1 New Year's Day. With the quietest eraser you can find remove 'Don't Get Hangover' from your 'Resolutions Kept' list.
2 Mariner 9 begins mapping Mars in 1972. Starts whining "Water?! Nobody said anything looking for water!" after the Mars rover Odyssey finds some in 2004.
3 In 1875 composer George Bizet dies; last words are "It's Bizet, not bidet, you morons!"
• Brooklyn Bridge construction begins (1870); is sold 27 times before being completed in 1883
• Today's Birthday Roundup: J.R.R. Tolkien (1892); Zasu Pitts (1896).
• 1952: Dragnet with Jack Webb premieres in black and white and in one tone of voice.
• Mel Gibson is born (1956); vows revenge after humiliating slap on butt by Jewish doctor.
4 Caligula murdered in 41 A.D. Rolls over in grave in 1980 when Bob Guccione's movie version of his life debuts.
• 274 A.D.: St. Eutychian becomes pope. College of Cardinals convenes again in 275 A.D. to reconsider that whole letting-the-new-pope-pick-his-own-name idea.
5 In 1836 Davy Crockett arrives in Texas just in time for the siege of the Alamo; his coonskin cap's herioc effort to bring help proves futile.
• 1933: Former president Calvin Coolidge dies. They could tell.
• After a life of working for peanuts, George Washington Carver dies in 1943.
6 Epiphany.
• In a related event, on this day in 1993, Bill Wyman realizes he is too old to rock and roll and announces he will leave the Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger responds, "What, you mean we're still a group?"
7 Protesting that she knows nothin' about it the whole time, Butterfly [Thelma] McQueen is birthed in 1911.
• In 1970, neighboring farmers sue Woodstock host Max Yasgur for $35,000 in damages and bad vibes.
8 Today's Birthday Roundup: Soupy Sales (1926); Bill Graham (1931);
Charles Osgood (1933); Elvis Presley (1935, Thank you vurry mudge); Shirley Bassey, Bob Eubanks (1937); Little Anthony (1940); Graham Chapman (1941); Stephen Hawking (1942); Robbie Kreiger (1946); David Bowie (1947); Jason Giambi (1971).
9 Legendary New York Metropolitan Opera manager Rudolph Bing born (1902); coined expression, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings."
• Richard Milhouse Nixon born (1913); U.S. president 1969-1974.
• Jimmy Page born (1944); Led Zeppelin lead guitarist 1968-1980
• Otis Nixon (no relation) born (1959); Yankees 1983, Indians 1984-1987, Expos 1988-1990, Braves 1991-1993, Red Sox 1994, Rangers 1995, Blue Jays 1996-1997, Dodgers 1997, Twins 1998-1999.
10 1776 Common Sense by Thomas Paine, published. Rarely seen since, common sense is rumored to have been extinct since 1959.
11 1759: 1st American life insurance company incorporated in Philadelphia. Policyholders immediately charged higher deductible for leeches and treatment for gout.
• 1964: Four out of five doctors agree with Surgeon General's report that smoking may be hazardous.
12 Today's Birthday Roundup: Henny Youngman, Tex Ritter (1906); "The Amazing" Kreskin (1935).
13 The Girls Gone Wild of its day, the National Geographic Society is founded in 1888.
• Don't forget that today is Stephen Foster Memorial Day.
14 Andy Rooney born (1919). Ever notice how sometimes they put parentheses around a year but then sometimes they don't? Why is that?
• 1954: Marilyn Monroe weds Joe DiMaggio; Not together long enough to be nicknamed "DiMarggionroe."
15 Fraunces Tavern opens in New York City (1762); reservations recommended, closed Mondays.
• 1861: Steam elevator patented by Elisha Otis. Sweat-soaked passengers take some comfort knowing that piped-in music is still a century away.
• 1951: Charo born; utters first -- and most famous -- words, "Coochie, coochie."
16 National Nothing Day. Seriously. It's a real National Day. We looked it up.
• 1980: Paul McCartney jailed in Tokyo for 10 days on marijuana possession; not for long enough to prevent him writing and recording "Ebony and Ivory."
17 James Earl Jones born (1931); agent convinces him to hold out until voice changes for first words.
• 1949: Andy Kaufman born in New York City; challenges delivery room nurse to wrestling match, nobody sure if he's kidding or what.
18 1779: Thesaurs creator Peter Roget begins, commences, dawns, starts.
• A.A. Milne born (1882 ); the wonderful thing about birthdays is that birthdays are wonderful things! Oliver Hardy born (1892).
19 National Popcorn Day. Oddly, Caramel Popcorn Day is April 7 and National Popcorn Month is October.
• 1778: Captain James Cook stumbles over Sandwich (Hawaiian) Islands, continues to Tahiti in search of cole slaw.
• Janis Joplin born (1943); parents really wanted a Mercedes-Benz.
• 1980: Studio 54 owners Steve Rubell & Ian Schrager get 3 years in prison for tax evasion; manage to get off scot-free on charges of igniting disco inferno.
• 1996: Lisa Marie Presley files for divorce from Michael Jackson. Common sense returns briefly.
20 Hat Day. Followed on 21st by Hat Hair Day.
• Today's Birthday Roundup: George Burns (1896); DeForest Kelley, Federico Fellini (1920); Martin Landau (1928); Buzz Aldrin (1930); Slim Whitman (1942); David Lynch (1946); Malcolm McLaren (1947); Bill Maher (1956).
21 National Squirrel Appreciation Day. We know, it's nuts.
• 1924: Comedian Benny Hill born as delivery room staff runs around in fast motion to the tune of Yakety Sax.
22 1908: New York City regulation makes it illegal for a woman to smoke in public; it takes nearly a century before they make it illegal for anyone to smoke in public.
• 1978: Bee Gees' "Saturday Night Fever" album goes #1 for 24 weeks; Horsemen of the Apocalypse saddle up.
23 In 1663 King Louis XIV of France "affirms covenant" with Rÿnstaten which, apparently, stipulates that no one will remember who or what Rÿnstaten was.
• Humphrey Bogart born (1899); doctor's answer to dad concerning his whereabouts, "Here, looking at your kid!"
24 1656: 1st Jewish doctor in U.S., Jacob Lumbrozo, arrives in Maryland; greeting him at the docks are dozens of nice Jewish girls bearing homemade blintzes and kreplach.
25 1997: Psychic Jeanne Dixon dies of a heart attack; last words reportedly, "Oh, I just knew it!"
• 1863: General Joseph Hooker replaces General Ambrose Burnside as head of the Union Army; women of easy virtue replace wacky facial hair as soldiers' favorite hobby.
• 1985: We are the World is recorded; Horsemen of the Apocalypse leave stable at a brisk trot.
• 1989: Yankees owner George Steinbrenner meets with Pope John Paul II; pontiff turns down offer to manage team.
26 1784: Ben Franklin notes his disappointment over choice of bald eagle as America's symbol; he'd been pushing for Chicken Cordon Bleu.
27 Skitch Henderson, white musician with second coolest name after Hoagy Carmichael, is born in 1918.
28 National Kazoo Day. Toot le monde.
• 1613: Galileo unknowingly views as-yet undiscovered planet Neptune, although this might just be a flimsy excuse for getting caught with his telescope pointed at window of saucy wench across the street.
29 Victor Mature born in 1913; goes from drinking mother's milk to chewing scenery in record time.
• 1951: Liz Taylor divorces Conrad Hilton Jr.; If they'd stayed together, Paris Hilton might never have happened.
30 1941: Dick Cheney emerges from nine months in undisclosed location.
• Women Peerage Day established in England (1958); Brits get okay to peer at women.
31 Birthday Today Roundup: Norman Mailer (1925); John Lydon (1956).
• 1990: 1st McDonald's opens in Moscow; is world's largest and has world's longest waiting line.
