Birds begin their flight south in search of warmer climes. You feel relief that these potentially
flu-infected winged angels of death are leaving. You pray they get lost or are sucked into
jet engines and never return.
1: 1910, Bonnie Parker; 1961, Roger Maris; 1962, Johnny Carson takes over “Tonight Show”; 1971, Walt Disney World opens. 2: 1890, Groucho Marx; 1895, Bud Abbott; 1945, Don McLean; 1949, Richard Hell; 1950, “Peanuts” debuts; 1951, Sting; 1959, The “Twilight Zone” debuts. 3: 1925, Gore Vidal; 1941, Chubby Checker; 1954, Al Sharpton, Stevie Ray Vaughan. 4: 1895, Buster Keaton; 1924, Charlton Heston; 1939, Jackie Collins; 1943, H. Rap Brown; 1946, Susan Sarandon. 5: 1902, Ray Kroc; 1943, Steve Miller; 1952, Clive Barker; 1954, Bob Geldof; 1958, Bernie Mac; 1969, 1st broadcast of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. 7: 1943, Oliver North; 1951, John Cougar Mellencamp; 1957, “American Bandstand” debuts. 8: 1943, Chevy Chase; 1948, Johnny Ramone; 1949, Sigourney Weaver. 9: 1940, John Lennon; 1941, Trent Lott; 1944, John Entwistle, Peter Tosh; 1948, Jackson Browne; 1975, Sean Lennon. 10: 1955, David Lee Roth; 1958, Tanya Tucker. 11: 1949, Daryl Hall; 1975, “Saturday Night Live” debuts. 12: 1935, Luciano Pavarotti, Joan Rivers. 13: 1941, Paul Simon; 1947, Sammy Hagar; 1959, Marie Osmond. 14: 1927, Roger Moore; 1939, Ralph Lauren; 1947, Chuck Yeager breaks sound barrier; 1958, Thomas Dolby. 15: 1937, Barry McGuire; 1942, Penny Marshall; 1959, Emeril Lagasse. 16: 1946, Suzanne Somers; 1947, Bob Weir; 1958, Tim Robbins. 17: 1938, Evel Knievel; 1942, Gary Puckett; 18: 1956, Martina Navratilova; 1960, Jean-Claude Van Damme. 19: 1937, Peter Max; 1944, Peter Tosh; 1945, Divine. 20: 1928, Joyce Brothers; 1931, Mickey Mantle; 1953, Tom Petty; 1977, Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash. 21: 1940, Manfred Mann; 1956, Carrie Fisher; 1957, “Jailhouse Rock” opens. 22: 1952, Annette Funicello; 1953, Jeff Goldblum; 1963, Brian Boitano. 23: 1956, Dwight Yoakam; 1959, Weird Al Yankovic, Sam Raimi; 2001, i-Pod 1st announced. 25: 1942, Helen Reddy; 1944, James Carville, Jr. 26: 1946, Pat Sajak; 1947, Hillary Rodham Clinton; 1963, Natalie Merchant. 27: 1932, Sylvia Plath; 1939, John Cleese; 1940, John Gotti; 1950, Fran Lebowitz; 1958, Simon Le Bon; 1966, Matt Drudge. 28: 1955, Bill Gates. 29: 1938, Ralph Bakshi; 1947, Richard Dreyfuss. 30: 1939, Grace Slick; 1945, Henry Winkler. 31: 1931, Dan Rather; 1936, Michael Landon; 1944, Kinky Friedman; 1950, Jane Pauley
1 John Philip Sousa becomes leader of Marine Corps Band (1880). From the Halls of Montezoom-pah-pah...
2 Yom Kippur; Day of Atonement special at Bally Total Fitness.
3 Reunification of Germany (1990); world smiles nervously and says, “Yeah, that’s, um, great, yeah. Really.”
4 Buster Keaton born (1895); doctor slaps bottom, shoves pie in face.
5 Portugal unseats monarchy (1910), declares itself back on the market.
6 Thomas Edison shows his 1st motion picture (1889), of his vacation at the Jersey Shore.
7 California recalls governor Gray Davis and replaces him with Arnold Schwarzenegger (2003). Total Recall puns overwhelm editorial pages.
8 Great Chicago Fire (1871); 1st extra-crispy deep-dish pizza served.
9 Columbus Day; Is it okay to like him again, yet?
Washington Monument opens (1888); Daughters of the American Revolution find it “awfully phallic.”
10 Cuba’s Independence Day. Order a round of Cuba Libres.
11 JC Penney opens Store #1252 in Milford, Delaware; now has stores in all 48 states (1929). Alaska and Hawaii don’t know how lucky they were.
12 Fall foliage at peak in Exeter, NH. Hurry up or you’ll...oh, darn, missed it.
13 Pirates’ Bill Mazeroski 1st player to end World Series with a home run (1960). Satan loses big on damned Yankees.
14 Winnie-the-Pooh published (1926); A.A. Milne shouts, “Show me the hunny!”
15 Mata Hari executed for spying for Germany (1917); her name was leaked to press by Scooter Lieber, special assistant to the Vice-Chancellor.
16 China detonates 1st nuclear bomb (1964), 2nd one an hour later.
17 Juan Peron becomes dictator of Argentina (1945), but even he didn’t deserve the numbers he got in Evita.
18 US takes possession of Alaska (1867); “Great,” say Rocky Mountain residents, “Just what the country needs, more snow.”
19 John DeLorean arrested for cocaine trafficking (1982); attempt to escape back to the future fails.
20 Mao’s Long March ends (1935); “Whew! Are my running dogs barking,” sighs Tse-tung.
21 French women get the vote (1945), French men shrug indifferently and continue smoking.
22 Jean-Paul Sartre turns down Nobel Prize for Literature (1964); too busy trying to decide between being and nothingness.
23 Universe created, according to Archbishop James Ussher (4004 BC, a Sunday, at 9am). And this is not a holiday?
24 Black Thursday crash of New York Stock Exchange (1929). Blue Friday follows.
25 Steely Dan reunites (1991), with all the buzz of a steam-powered dildo.
26 Gunfight at O.K. Corral (1881). Clantons and McLaurys not so O.K.
27 1st commercially-sponsored TV show, “Geographically Speaking” (1946). Vast wasteland open for business.
28 Statue of Liberty dedication (1886); tired, poor, huddled masses not invited.
29 Daylight Savings Time Ends; Fall back into your old habit of getting up at noon instead of 1pm.
30 Orson Welles broadcasts radio play War of the Worlds (1938), causing panic, especially at cast party all-you-can-eat buffet.
31 Halloween; Another costume party. Same old sheet.