TELEVISION
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NFL Full Contact (TruTV) — Illegal use of hams.
Superbowl XLIV (CBS) — Saints and sinkers.
The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards (CBS) — Grammy cracker.
Emma (PBS) — Austen taxes us.
Kell on Earth (Bravo) — Kell dommage!
The Deep End (ABC) — Of the puddle.
La La Land (SHO) — Troll La La.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz) — What's in his head.
Past Life (FOX) — Passed wind.
Undercover Boss (CBS) — Muddle management.
The 67th Golden Globe Awards (NBC) — Backslap molasses.
Life Unexpected (CW) — Predictable.
The Buried Life (MTV) — Not deep enough.
Paranormal Cops (A&E) — Why not a pair o' normal cops?
Fantasia for Real (VH1) — I prefer the toon.
Human Target (FOX) — He sells cheap housewares.
The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS) — They didn't know Jack.
One Big Happy Family (TLC) — Roly-polygamy.
The Jacksons: A Dynasty (A&E) — Of the inbred variety.
Yes, Virginia (CBS) — There is another shitty animated Christmas special.
Men of a Certain Age (TNT) — And acting ability.
The Sing-Off (NBC) — Key.
Steven Seagal Lawman (A&E) — The Sheriff of Rotten Ham.
Alice (Syfy) — Twaddle dum.
Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura (TruTV) — 'The Body' of evidence.
12 Men of Christmas (Lifetime) — Twelve dudes a-slumming.
The National Tree (Hallmark) — Spruce goose.
A Dog Named Christmas (CBS) — A dog named A Dog Named Christmas.
Find My Family (ABC) — Look in rehab.
Chef Academy (BRV) — Cookie cutter.
The Prisoner (AMC) — A clinker.
Lopez Tonight (TBS) — Caca Lopez.
The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX) — Small Wanda.
V (ABC) — D.
The League (FX) — Of extraordinary munge.
Poliwood (SHO) — Polidon't.
Fanboy and Chum Chum (NICK) — Less than chumming.
Monty Python: Almost the Truth (the Lawyer's Cut) (IFC) — Of Python Men.
The Jeff Dunham Show (COM) — Dummy or not dummy?
White Collar (USA) — Con dog.
Lock n' Load (SHO) — Gun wreck.
Discovering Ardi (Discovery) — The Ardi boys.
Leave it to Lamas (E!) — Either High or Dalai.
The Late Show (CBS) — David cop-a-feel.
Brick City (Sundance Channel) — Urban panners.
Sherri (Lifetime) — The bad Shepherd.
Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Lemon squeeze.
Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio) — Star Lite, Star Fright.
SGU Stargate Universe (SyFy) — SGU this.
Hank (CBS) — Arrant.
The Cleveland Show (FOX) — Blobby Brown.
The Middle (ABC) — Of nowhere.
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) — Spin-awful.
Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) — Incidentally no purpose.
Three Rivers (CBS) — The Ohio, the Allegheny and the Moron-go-heal-her.
The Dr. Oz Show (Syndicated) — Takes a Wiz.
Trauma (NBC) — To the cerebellum.
The National Parks (PBS) — Gorge Burns.
The Good Wife (CBS) — The Bad Show.
FlashForward (ABC) — FlushDownward.
Cougar Town (ABC) — Cox teaser.
Mercy (NBC) — Please, make it stop!
The Forgotten (ABC) — Should be recalled.
Eastwick (ABC) — Evil connival.
Modern Family (ABC) — Happy as a clan.
Brothers (FOX) — Bloods and crimps.
The Jay Leno Show (NBC) — Jay-Zzzzz.
Bored to Death (HBO) — Or a catatonic stupor, at least.
Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime) — A smearjerker.
Community (NBC) — Service.
Archer (FX) — High-strung.
The Beautiful Life (CW) — Pretty ugly.
Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke (VH1) — And achieving it.
The Vampire Diaries (CW) — The Joy Suck Club.
Glee (FOX) — Club. Repeatedly.
Surviving Disaster (Spike) — Including this?
The 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS) — Vacuum tube.
The Dog Year (HBO) — Feels like seven.
Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage (FOX) — Eight crimes.
Glenn Martin DDS (Nick at Night) — Dental flaws.
Househusbands of Hollywood (FOX Reality) — Mr. Smarm.
My Antonio (VH1) — Sedouche bag.
Lords of the Revolution (VH1) — '60s minutes.
There Goes the Neighborhood (CBS) — Gyp off the old block.
Shark Tank (ABC) — Investment capital punishment.
Police Women of Broward County (TLC) — Blue belles.
How'd You Get So Rich (TVLand) — Symbols of effluence.
Bollywood Hero (IFC) — Kattan mouse.
Defying Gravity (ABC) — The height of idiocy.
More to Love (FOX) — Fatty assets.
Being Human (BBC America) — Acting simian.
The Storm (NBC) — Drooper.
The Wanted (NBC) — Tracker jack.
Dating in the Dark (ABC) — For the very dim.
The T.O. Show (VH1) — Terr'ble Owens.
Most Popular (WE) — In crack dens.
Miami Social (BRV) — Disease.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime) — No, really, drop dead.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy) — Beast Buy.
10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family) — Not counting the last 20 minutes.
Hung (HBO) — Like a gnat.
NYC Prep (BRV) — H.
The Philanthropist (NBC) — Give me a break.
Merlin (NBC) — Casts a smell.
Wedding Day (TNT) — You'll want to tie the knot…around your neck.
Raising Sextuplets (WE) — With six you get ugh roll.
HawthoRNe (TNT) — A lethal doze.
Hammertime (A&E) — U can't touch this.
16 & Pregnant (MTV) — Ma ma black sheep.
Nurse Jackie (SHO) — A bitter pill.
The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien (NBC) — Tardy har har.
I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! (NBC) — Jump shit.
The Listener (NBC) — Mos deaf.
Royal Pains (USA) — The unwell-to-do.
Jesse James is a Dead Man (SPIKE) — From the neck up.
The Goode Family (ABC) — Easy PC.
Mental (FOX) — Brain scam.
Hitched or Ditched (CW) — Bitched.
Obsessed (A&E) — The disorderly orderly.
Glee (FOX) — Whiz.
4th and Long (SPIKE) — Pigs' kin.
Charm School Gives Back With Ricki Lake (VH1) — It returns your contempt.
The Fashion Show (BRV) — Rack and ruin.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey (BRV) — Burb brains.
Wallander (PBS) — Scandi ass.
Life After People: The Series (HIST) — Cockroaches should like it.
The Phone (MTV) — Call wading.
The Cougar (TV Land) — Grrross.
Grey Gardens (HBO) — Punchy bags.
Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX) — Pee-yewpils.
Parks and Recreation (NBC) — BiPoehler.
Southland (NBC) — Prickly heat.
Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (COM) — Sordid sorcery.
The Unusuals (ABC) — Same old same mold.
Surviving Suburbia (ABC) — Split. Level.
Harper's Island (CBS) — A slaycation.
Cupid (ABC) — Comedy of Eros.
Osbournes Reloaded (FOX) — With blankety-blanks.
The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (HBO) — More like No. 2.

Little Dorrit (PBS) — Slim Dickens.
In the Motherhood (ABC) — Maternity. Leave.
Better Off Ted (ABC) — Drop Ted.
Tough Love (VH1) — Positively gristly.
Party Down (Starz) — In the subbasement.
Taking the Stage (MTV) — Overhaul of Fame.
Kings (NBC) — Ran some.
The Chopping Block (NBC) — A cleaver bastard.
Battles BC (HIST) — BC bodies.
Castle (ABC) — To the manure born.
Ashes to Ashes (BBC America) — To asses.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (NBC) — The wee-wee hours.
Mistresses (BBC America) — Slut machines.
Taking Chance (HBO) — Not worth the risk.
Oliver Twist (PBS) — Of lemon.
Eastbound & Down (HBO) — Pitch and putz.
Important Things With Demetri Martin (COM) — Public quirks project.
T.I.'s Road to Redemption: 45 Days to Go (MTV) — Jumps the gun charges.
Dollhouse (FOX) — Whedon wacker.
The Trials of Ted Haggard (HBO) — Popper don't preach.
The Diplomat (ION) — Attaché case.
The Last Templar (NBC) — Slimin' Templar.
Lie to Me (FOX) — OK. The show's brilliant!
Wuthering Heights (PBS) — Withering hypes.
We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration (HBO) — Yes, we canned.
Howie Do It (NBC) — Howie Doody.
13 -- Fear Is Real (CW) — The dweeby-jeebies.
Game Show in My Head (CBS) — Where nothing else is on.
DietTribe (LIFE) — The Paunchee.
United States of Tara (SHO) — IDotic.
Homeland Security USA (ABC) — Like a TSA cavity search.
The City (MTV) — Never wakes.
Bromance (MTV) — You'll need Bromo.
A Double Shot at Love (MTV) — For herpes and chlamydia.
Momma's Boys (NBC) — Date, nut-bred.
Secret Millionaire (FOX) — Grant illusion.
Front of the Class (CBS) — Travelling Tourette's class.
Leverage (TNT) — Debt beats.
Shatner's Raw Nerve (Bio) — Sciatica! Sciatica!
Spectacle: Elvis Costello With… (Sundance) — Watching the defectives.
Estate of Panic (Sci Fi) — The laugh-till-you-piss kind.
House of Saddam (HBO) — Saddam's Family Values.
Ricky Gervais: Out of England –– The Stand-up Special (HBO) — Slime Ricky.
First Class All the Way (Bravo) — Not worth a 44¢ stamp.
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) — Blubber butts.
Summer Heights High (HBO) — Oz school confidential.
God on Trial (PBS) — Jehovah, your witness.
Legend of the Seeker (WPIX) — PapQuest.
Stylista (CW) — Shmata whory.
Living With the Wolfman (Animal Planet) — No howls barred.
Rita Rocks (LIFE) — Mom and Pop.
Chocolate News (COM) — Milks duds.
Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod (Discovery) — I thought it was them Eskimo.
Crash (Starz) — Offender bender.
Crusoe (NBC) — Shitwreck.
My Own Worst Enemy (NBC) — Your agent deserves some blame, too.
The Starter Wife (USA) — Messing around.
Testees (FX) — Go, Nads!
Eleventh Hour (CBS) — Dick doc.
Kath & Kim (NBC) — Shrill, baby, shrill.
Life on Mars (ABC) — Diddly squad.
Valentine (CW) — Slings and Eros.
The Last Enemy (PBS) — Foe shizzle.
Sanctuary (SCIFI) — Skankdom sanctorum.
Vice Presidential Debate (CNN) — The Wind and the Lyin'.
The IT Crowd (IFC) — Geek chorus.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network) — Repeat offenders.
The Ex List (CBS) — Bury The Ex.
The Life & Times of Tim (HBO) — Tiny Tim.
Little Britain USA (HBO) — English muffing.
The Mentalist (CBS) — The most mental.
Gary Unmarried (CBS) — Rickety split.
60th Annual Emmy Awards (ABC) — Box tops.
Worst Week (CBS) — Ever.
Coco Chanel (LIFE) — Hemming and whoring.
Fringe (FOX) — Cringe.
Privileged (CW) — Brat worst.
The Bonnie Hunt Show (NBC) — Scavenger Hunt.
Somebodies (BET) — Nobodies.
Do Not Disturb (FOX) — Turn down service.
The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle (Sundance) — Chatfight.
Republican National Convention (CNN) — McCain ain't able.
90210 (CW) — Zip.
True Blood (HBO) — Hemosexuals.
Democratic National Convention (MSNBC) — Barack climber.
Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Chopper by the dozen.
Depth Charge (Spike) — Sub par.
America's Toughest Jobs (NBC) — Aside from watching this.
Z Rock (IFC) — This is Spineless Tap.
Raising the Bar (TNT) — On which I'm raising my leg.
The Cho Show (VH1) — Korea suicide.
Tabatha's Salon Takeover (BRV) — Coup de twat.
The Wendy Williams Show (FOX) — A flat Tyra.
The XXIX Summer Olympics (NBC) — Chinese take out…the round-eyes.
Pam: Girl on the Loose (E!) — Boob job.
The Cleaner (A&E) — Man and Soberman.
Flashpoint (CBS) — Flimflammable.
Queen Bee (The N) — Stings up the joint.
Greatest American Dog (CBS) — Another Tori Spelling reality show?
Generation Kill (HBO) — Grunts and groans.
Burn Notice (USA) — Turd degree.
Click & Clack's As the Wrench Turns (PBS) — If you like having your nuts twisted.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Sweat 16.
A Gunfighter's Pledge (Hallmark) — Lemony-fresh.
United States Olympic Trials (NBC) — In the jury pool.
I Survived a Japanese Game Show (ABC) — Hairy-kiri.
Wipeout (ABC) — Slobstacle course.
The Baby Borrowers (NBC) — Kid nappies.
Factory (SpikeTV) — Powerless tools.
Say Yes to the Dress (TLC) — Say Ach! to the frock.
The Middleman (ABC Family) — Dr. Hooey.
Secret Diary of a Call Girl (SHO) — Dear john.
The Mole (ABC) — Beg, burrow and steal.
She's Got the Look (TVLand) — Of a starving cougar.
Fear Itself (NBC) — Blood. Simple.
Army Wives (LIFE) — Corporal punishment.
Sybil (CBS) — Unrest.
Swingtown (CBS) — Swap meat.
The Andromeda Strain (A&E) — Streptocaca.
Recount (HBO) — Chad low.
In Plain Sight (USA) — Sticks out like a sore bum.
Living Lohan (E!) — Dramama queen.
Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E!) — Like a multiple fracture.
Farmer Wants a Wife (CW) — Animal husbandry.
Cranford (PBS) — Tea bags.
A Room With A View (PBS) — Of a ventilation shaft.
Rock the Cradle (MTV) — Spawn stars.
I Can Make you Thin (TLC) — By inducing projectile vomiting.
Survivor: Micronesia (CBS) — Macronausea.
Bush's War (PBS) — Fool proof.
Tracey Ullman's State of the Union (SHOW) — A bad Ullman.
Rachael Ray (CBS) — She can grate Parmesan cheese with her voice.
Judge Joe Brown (CBS) – Motion sickness.
The Riches (FX) — An embarrassment of.
Miss Guided (ABC) — Miss Begotten.
Top Chef: Chicago (BRV) — Windy ziti.
Black Magic (ESPN) – Slum dunk.
The Return of Jezebel James (FOX) – Baby bump and grind.
John Adams (HBO) – A floundering father.
Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (COM) — Bile lingual.
Oprah's Big Give (ABC) — She spreads her largesse.
Women Behind Bars (WE) — Canned peaches.
The Real Housewives of New York City (BRV) — From nags to riches.
New Amsterdam (FOX) – Same dam thing.
High School Reunion (TVLAND) — As depressing as the real thing.
Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious (CW) — Scumdiddlyumptious.
The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom (TLC) — She brings unhealthy snacks to the game!
Unhitched (FOX) — And rolling backwards down the hill.
A Raisin in the Sun (ABC) — Diddy? I'm afraid so.
quarterlife (NBC) — halfdeath.