TELEVISION
The Mentalist (CBS) — The most mental.
Gary Unmarried (CBS) — Rickety split.
60th Annual Emmy Awards (ABC) — Box tops.
Worst Week (CBS) — Ever.
Coco Chanel (LIFE) — Hemming and whoring.
Fringe (FOX) — Cringe.
Privileged (CW) — Brat worst.
The Bonnie Hunt Show (NBC) — Scavenger Hunt.
Somebodies (BET) — Nobodies.
Do Not Disturb (FOX) — Turn down service.
The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle (Sundance) — Chatfight.
Republican National Convention (CNN) — McCain ain't able.
90210 (CW) — Zip.
True Blood (HBO) — Hemosexuals.
Democratic National Convention (MSNBC) — Barack climber.
Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Chopper by the dozen.
Depth Charge (Spike) — Sub par.
America's Toughest Jobs (NBC) — Aside from watching this?
Z Rock (IFC) — This is Spineless Tap.
Raising the Bar (TNT) — On which I'm raising my leg.
The Cho Show (VH1) — Korea suicide.
Tabatha's Salon Takeover (BRV) — Coup de twat.
The Wendy Williams Show (FOX) — A flat Tyra.
The XXIX Summer Olympics (NBC) — Chinese take out…the round-eyes.
Pam: Girl on the Loose (E!) — Boob job.
The Cleaner (A&E) — Man and Soberman.
Flashpoint (CBS) — Flimflammable.
Queen Bee (The N) — Stings up the joint.
Greatest American Dog (CBS) — Another Tori Spelling reality show?
Generation Kill (HBO) — Grunts and groans.
Burn Notice (USA) — Turd degree.
Click & Clack's As the Wrench Turns (PBS) — If you like having your nuts twisted.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Baby bum.
A Gunfighter's Pledge (Hallmark) — Lemony-fresh.
United States Olympic Trials (NBC) — In the jury pool.
I Survived a Japanese Game Show (ABC) — Hairy-kiri.
Wipeout (ABC) — Slobstacle course.
The Baby Borrowers (NBC) — Kid nappies.
Factory (SpikeTV) — Powerless tools.
Say Yes to the Dress (TLC) — Say Ach! to the frock.
The Middleman (ABC Family) — Dr. Hooey.
Secret Diary of a Call Girl (SHO) — Dear john.
The Mole (ABC) — Beg, burrow and steal.
She's Got the Look (TVLand) — Of a starving cougar.
Fear Itself (NBC) — Blood. Simple.
Army Wives (LIFE) — Corporal punishment.
Sybil (CBS) — Unrest.
Swingtown (CBS) — Swap meat.
The Andromeda Strain (A&E) — Streptocaca.
Recount (HBO) — Chad low.
In Plain Sight (USA) — Sticks out like a sore bum.
Living Lohan (E!) — Dramama queen.
Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E!) — Like a multiple fracture.
Farmer Wants a Wife (CW) — Animal husbandry.
Cranford (PBS) — Tea bags.
A Room With A View (PBS) — Of a ventilation shaft.
Rock the Cradle (MTV) — Spawn stars.
I Can Make you Thin (TLC) — By inducing projectile vomiting.
Survivor: Micronesia (CBS) — Macronausea.
Bush's War (PBS) — Fool proof.
Tracey Ullman's State of the Union (SHOW) — A bad Ullman.
Rachael Ray (CBS) — She can grate Parmesan cheese with her voice.
Judge Joe Brown (CBS) – Motion sickness.
The Riches (FX) — An embarrassment of.
Miss Guided (ABC) — Miss Begotten.
Top Chef: Chicago (BRV) — Windy ziti.
Black Magic (ESPN) – Slum dunk.
The Return of Jezebel James (FOX) – Baby bump and grind.
John Adams (HBO) – A floundering father.
Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (COM) — Bile lingual.
Oprah's Big Give (ABC) — She spreads her largesse.
Women Behind Bars (WE) — Canned peaches.
The Real Housewives of New York City (BRV) — From nags to riches.
New Amsterdam (FOX) – Same dam thing.
High School Reunion (TVLAND) — As depressing as the real thing.
Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious (CW) — Scumdiddlyumptious.
The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom (TLC) — She brings unhealthy snacks to the game!
Unhitched (FOX) — And rolling backwards down the hill.
A Raisin in the Sun (ABC) — Diddy? I'm afraid so.
quarterlife (NBC) — halfdeath.
The 80th Annual Academy Awards (ABC) — Ego-disaster.
Knight Rider (NBC) — Mustang silly.
My Dad is Better Than Your Dad (NBC) — At bone smuggling.
Amne$ia (NBC) — Forget it.
1 vs. 100 (NBC) — Odds it won't cause brain seizure.
The Millionaire Matchmaker (BRV) — Cupid pet tricks.
The Price is Right (CBS) — The sum also rises.
The Whitest Kids U'Know (IFC) — Who aren't funny.
Bernard and Doris (HBO) — Dozy Duke.
Lipstick Jungle (NBC) — Gloss blower.
UFO Hunters (HIST) — Razz well.
Welcome to the Captain (CBS) — Rant controlled.
Super Bowl XLII (FOX) — A Pat on his back.
Eli Stone (ABC) — À la McBeal.
The State of the Union 2008 (COM) — W. of Mass Destruction.
In Treatment (HBO) — Shrink rapt.
The Moment of Truth (FOX) — When you realize your life is so meaningless that you can squander 60 mins. of it on this.
Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants (CW) — Tiara Boob-de-ay!

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!) — Bottom feeders.
Psych (USA) — Out.
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC) — Nobodies business.
Comanche Moon (CBS) — Adds insult to injunry.
American Gladiators (NBC) — Circus minimus.
Cashmere Mafia (ABC) — Died in the wool.
Make Me a Supermodel (BRV) — Sure, got some baling wire, 2 gel implants, and a wombat brain?
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX) — Cybores.
Breaking Bad (AMC) — A complete meth.
Dance War (ABC) — Arch de Triomphe.
Celebrity Rehab (VH1) — Cured hams.
Charlie Rose (PBS) – And fell.
Big Idea With Donny Deutsch (CNBC) – Small-minded.
Clash of the Choirs (NBC) – Collision chorus.
Duel (ABC) – Mano-a-manure.
Little People (TLC) – Short on substance.
Survivor: China (CBS) – Try licking their toys.
This Old House Hour (PBS) – A mixer-upper.
I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again (CMT) – Smear yogurt in your hair and pass out in that puddle of beer.
Dirty Jobs (DISC) – High mucky-muck.
PM Style (QVC) – More like PMS style.
Gotti's Way (VH1) – Mob rules.
The Salt-n-Pepa Show (VH1) – Surprisingly bland.
Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane (E!) – Behind a pile-up.
A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (MTV) – Unzipped barflies.
Fall 2007
Big Shots (ABC) – Of cheap gin.
Carpoolers (ABC) – Takes its toll.
Cavemen (ABC) – Cro-magnonentities.
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) – Cash hot, show not.
Private Practice (ABC) – Grey'sless.
Pushing Daisies (ABC) – DOA.
Samantha Who? (ABC) – Whooey.
Women's Murder Club (ABC) – Murder most foul.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) – Bang the dumb slowly.
Cane (CBS) – Sugar schlock.
Kid Nation (CBS) – Terms of youth.
Moonlight (CBS) – Dick sucks.
Viva Laughlin (CBS) – The singing defective.
Aliens in America (CW) – Allah in the Family.
CW Now (CW) – More like WC Now.
Gossip Girl (CW) – Preposterous.
Life is Wild (CW) – Bungle in the jungle.
Online Nation (CW) – Log off.
Reaper (CW) – Grim.
Back to You (FOX) – Anchors, away!
K-Ville (FOX) – Katrina and the waves of nausea.
Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) – Dream cleaver.
Nashville (FOX) – Tennessee schmaltz.
The Next Great American Band (FOX) – Pop go the weasels.
Bionic Woman (NBC) – Brain by Radio Shack.
Chuck (NBC) – Good advice.
Journeyman (NBC) – Trips.
Life (NBC) – Support.
59th Primetime Emmy Awards (FOX) – Dirty little Seacrest.
2007 MTV Video Music Awards (MTV) – Spears chuckler.
Power of Ten (CBS) – Dumographics.
Tell Me You Love Me (HBO) – OK, and you're ass doesn't look big in the sex scenes.
Anchorwoman (FOX) – I, Witless News.
Star Jones (COURT) – Gastric. Bypass.
High School Music 2 (DIS) – Cram chorus.
The Company (TNT) – Wank-a-mole.
Saving Grace (TNT) – Start with a square meal.
The Closer (TNT) – Lacks conviction.
Flight of the Conchords (HBO) – SSTupid.
The Hills (MTV) – Are alive with the sound of mucus.
The Bronx is Burning (ESPN) – It's jock itch.
Damages (FX) – To my cerebral cortex.
Mad Men (AMC) – Sons of pitches.
Set for Life (ABC) – In concrete.
This American Life (SHO) – Glass, half full of himself.
The Singing Bee (NBC) – Buzz kill.
Don't Forget the Lyrics! (FOX) – ai yai yaiTunes.
American Dad (FOX) – If Family Guy is too subtle for you.
Greek (ABC) – Fratulence.
Shaq's Big Challenge (ABC) – Chubby checkers.
Criss Angel: Mindfreak (A&E) – Sleight of ham.
John From Cincinnati (HBO) – Boob tubular.
Age of Love (NBC) – Consenting dolts.
Hidden Palms (CW) – They're in his pants.
National Bingo Night (ABC) – Riffraffle.
Big Love – (HBO) I won't pan it, but it's awful bigamy.
The Tudors – (SHO) A royal mess.
Sunset Tan – (E!) Bronze bomber.
Shear Genius (BRV) – Cliptomania.
Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search (CMT) – Shake your Mai Tai maker.
On the Lot (FOX) – Turkey shoot.
Pirate Master (CBS) – Raiders of the Lost Arrgh.
Real Wedding Crashers (NBC) – RSVPee.
The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman (ABC) – Rank yanker.
Antiques Roadshow (PBS) – Junkies.
Run's House (MTV) – Home sweet homie.
Adventures in Hollyhood (MTV) – The Scumset Strip.
The Colbert Report (COM) – Neoconterfeit.
Daily Show With Jon Stewart (COM) – Such a big mocker.
Larry King Live (CNN) – Just barely.
Identity (NBC) – Penn and duller.
Close to Home (CBS) – The outhouse to be exact.
Raines (NBC) – All wet.
October Road (ABC) – Writer's cramps.
Andy Barker, P.I. (NBC) – Mal Barker.
Hogan Knows Best (VH1) – The inedible Hulk.
Dice Undisputed (VH1) – World's Biggest Asshole, no argument.
The Winner (FOX) – A weiner.
79th Academy Awards (ABC) – DeGeneric.
In Case of Emergency (ABC) – Click OFF.
The Wedding Bells (FOX) – Union jack.
Wicked Wicked Games (MNT) – Like Spin the Bottle of Paxil.
Black Donnellys (NBC) – When Irish guys are smelling.