CINEMA 2005

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World — Stopping at Saddam's trial.
Bloodrayne — Brayne drayne.
Hostel — Youth hostile.
Grandma's Boy — Sagadelic.
The Ringer — Ding Dong.
Match Point — Double fault.
The Matador — Oil of olé.
The New World — Johnny Damon, Yanks Clobber Indians.
Wolf Creek — Outback Grindhouse.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 — Kiddie litter.
The White Countess — As tasteful as The White Castle.
Rumor Has It — Rumor can keep it.
King Kong — Hollywood’s new 800-lb gorilla spends $200 million colorizing a classic.
The Producers — Shtick shift.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe — Where are The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover?
Memoirs of a Geisha — The World of Sushi Wong.
Fun wIth Dick and Jane — Just stay home and have fun with dick.
First Descent — Eats snow.
Aeon Flux — The sequel? Aeon Reflux.
Transamerica — Tranny 911.
The Family Stone — The family that stinks together, sinks together.
In the Mix — I don't want to see Usher in a movie theatre unless he's holding a flashlight and showing me to my seat.
Rent — Feels like 525,600 minutes.
Syriana — They can't be syrious.
Yours, Mine and Ours — And Satan's.
Just Friends — Sleeping with the anomie.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire — For Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble, goblet.
Walk the Line — Cash and karaoke.
Zathura — Xanax, Ativan, Nembutal, Valium, Quaalude.
Get Rich or Die Tryin' — 50 Cent worth of entertainment.
Bee Season — Twee. T-W-E-E. Twee.
Derailed — Off track bedding.
Jarhead — Pickled brains.
Chicken Little — Cheap cheap.
The Dying Gaul — The gall!
The Weather Man — You don’t need one to know which way the film blows.
The Legend of Zorro — Grade Z.
Saw II — I never even Saw I.
Prime — Younger man, older woman, ancient jokes.
North Country — Sex with a miner.
Shopgirl — The salesjerk.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang — Dead Dead.
Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story — 10% inspiration, 90% horse sweat.
Stay — Away.
Domino — Makes Dog The Bounty Hunter look like Cries and Whispers.
The Fog — Thick as pea brains.
Two for the Money — So McConaughey and Russo need the cash, but does Pacino have a screw loose?
Doom — Barbecued gibs.
The Gospel — According to Market Research.
Elizabethtown — You lost me at hello.
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit — I wish it were-funny.
Waiting – Poo poo platter.
In Her Shoes — She should join Odor-Eaters Anonymous.
Into the Blue — Aquadung.
Serenity — Ahh, the stillness of an empty movie theatre.
The Greatest Game Ever Played — Caddy slack.
Oliver Twist — Faginomics.
Flightplan — Set Jodie Foster on autoemote and bail.
A History of Violence — Here Viggo again.
Thumbsucker — Umm, that's not his thumb.
Roll Bounce — Disco. Duck.
Proof — Gwynny should return the Oscar.
Everything is Illuminated — Not by this dim bulb.
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride — Mr. Morbid cracks open a cold one.
Just Like Heaven — Can Wait.
Lord of War — Low-caliber small bore.
Cry Wolf — A howler.
Venom — Voodoodoo.
An Unfinished Life — Sentence.
The Aristocrats — A blue ball.
Transporter 2 — Dedex.
The Man — Hole.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose — Devil dog.
A Sound of Thunder — Or a butterfly passing wind?
The Constant Gardener — Two green thumbs down.
March of the Penguins — Waddle, don't toddle, to your local theater.
The Cave — In.
Undiscovered — Let's keep it that way.
Valiant — It does take balls to go wide with these pigeon droppings.

OSCAR: THE GROUCH 2005

The Aviator – Like a 12-hour non-stop to Vegas for the Celebrity Impersonators Convention.
Finding Neverland – A sexually frustrated Johnny Depp suffers Peter Pain.
Million Dollar Baby – Controversial melodrama that has brain-dead commentators terrified that someone might pull the plug on them.
Ray – The bland leading the bland.
Sideways – An amusing little film with a slightly nutty texture and an unsubtle hint of nebbish. The distinctive aftertaste of Kool-Aid.