TELEVISION
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX) – Are you watching this?
The Sarah Silverman Program (COM) – Potty girl.
Naked Trucker & T-Bones (COM) – Honk if you love overalls.
High School Musical (DIS) – Acts of atrocity.
Friday Night SmackDown! (CW) – Pin-heads.
The Real Housewives of Orange County (BRV) – Mrs. mock.
Gay, Straight or Taken? (LIFE) – Swish list.
Footballer$ Wives (BBCA) – Goal diggers.
My Super Sweet 16 – (MTV) The princess and the PS3.
Dirt (FX) – Dishoveled.
The Knights of Prosperity (ABC) – Gang green.
Rules of Engagement (CBS) – Manual stimulation.
Grease: You're the One That I Want (NBC) – To get hit by a '59 Chevy.
Psych (USA) – Oh?
Blue Collar TV (WB) – Goobermensch.
Charmed (WB) – Hex offenders.
My Boys (TBS) – Seven boobs, including hers.
Best Week Ever (VH1) – Banalysis.
The Soup (E!) – Cream of dirt.
Smallville (CW) – This Kent be happening.
One Tree Hill (CW) – A log on a bump.
Friday Night Lights (NBC) – 4th and 100.
Show Me the Money (ABC) – Just lift Shatner's rug.
Top Chef (BRV) – Cordon bhluughh.
3 Lbs. (CBS) – About the weight of a frozen ham.
Fashion House (MNT) – Botrocious.
Desire – (MNT) Turn off.
The Nine – (ABC) Nein.
Laguna Beach (MTV) – SoCallow.
Battlestar Galactica (SCI FI) – Sigh-fi.
Dexter (SHO) – Homicide-splitting.
The L-Word (SHO) – Loser.
Vanished (FOX) – Poof! piece.
Help Me Help You (ABC) – Paging Dr. Kevorkian.
Kidnapped (NBC) – Mom napped. Dad napped. Dog napped.
Class (CBS) – Head of the crass.
Jericho (CBS) – Fallout boy.
Ugly Betty (ABC) – Dog show.
Saturday Night Live (NBC) – Just turned 32, exactly 18 months older than its last amusing skit.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC) – The Waste Wing.
30 Rock (NBC) – Fey.
Heroes (NBC) – Stupor-powered.
Twenty Good Years (NBC) – Spend none of them on this.
Shark (CBS) – Really, really bites.
Smith (CBS) – Snuffy.
Men in Trees (ABC) – What the Malay call orangutans.
The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS) – Sitcomatose.
Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) – Yatter-yatter-yatter.
Weeds (SHO) – Pot shot.
Standoff (FOX) – Stale mates.
Justice (FOX) – A miscarriage.
'Til Death (FOX) – Can't wait.
George Lopez (ABC) – Kidney beaner.
The Mind of Mencia (COM) – Demencia praecox.
Celebrity Duets (FOX) – Two bad.
Countdown with Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) – The O'Reilly Fucker.
War at Home (FOX) – Bag Dad.
Rock Star: Supernova (CBS) – Burnout.
America Has Talent (NBC) – Evidence to the contrary.
Kyle XY (ABC Family) – Zzzzzz.
Hell's Kitchen (FOX) – One toque over the line.
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (BRV) – Wannabeeatch.
Last Comic Standing (NBC) – Stand-up and jeer.
The One: Making a Music Star (ABC) – #1 with a bullshit.
Entourage (HBO) – Posse whipped.
Lovespring International (LIFE) – Expiration dates.
Windfall (NBC) – Bobonanza.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (OXY) – Manic kin.
Tuesday Night Book Club (CBS) – They should've read the warning on the Zoloft label.
Lucky Louie (HBO) – He hasn't got HBO.
How to Get the Guy (ABC) – Femme futile.
Treasure Hunters (NBC) – Playing for creeps.
Nashville Star (CMT) – Bland Ole Opry.
Pepper Dennis (WB) – Bad News Bunny.
South Park (COM) – Envy Kenny.
Family Guy (FOX) – Haterfamilias.
Alias (ABC) – Pseudonymskull.
The Evidence (ABC) – Clueless.
Heist (NBC) – Heavy lifting.
Hustle (AMC) – Filmflam.
Blow Out (BRV) – Sham poo.
Beauty & the Geek (WB) – Dweeb dreams are made of this.
Modern Men (WB) – Because they're erect?
American Inventor (ABC) – Patently absurd.
The Loop (FOX) – Circle jerks.
The Unit (CBS) – A millimamet.
The Sopranos (HBO) – Badder bing.
Sons and Daughters (ABC) – Children of the corn.
Project Runway (BRV) – On the rags.
Love Monkey (CBS) – Primating.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Deaf, dumb and blind date.
Skating With Celebrities (FOX) – Thick head, thin ice.
Crumbs (ABC) – What's left of the Ho Hos.
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC) – Did they check his pulse?
Law & Order (NBC) – Arrested development.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC) – Get away.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) – Bogus operandi.
The Office (NBC) – Job blot.
Deal or No Deal (NBC) – With Howie Mandel you've got to ask?
Monk (USA) – Felonious.
Emily's Reasons Why Not (ABC) – ABC's: 2. Script. 1. Heather Graham. (Cancelled)
The Bachelor (CBS) – Harem scare'm.
Jake in Progress (ABC) – A jerk in progress.
Prison Break (FOX) – Detention deficit disorder.
Wife Swap (ABC) – Shrew confessions.
Las Vegas (NBC) – What happens in Vegas stays in your colon.
That 70's Show (FOX) – Polyesteryear.
The Shield (FX) – Good cop, bald cop.
Stacked (FOX) – Grade 36D.
Commander in Chief (ABC) – Geena Davis as the first female President of the United States. Bill Clinton's wet dream.
The Biggest Loser (NBC) – The fat goes right to your head.
Twins (WB) – Melanie Griffith's are not identical (her plastic surgeon had lazy eye.)
Supernanny (ABC) – Watching these families in action is a Vatican-approved method of birth control.
Still Standing (CBS) – Which is why it isn't much of a sitcom.
Freddie (ABC) – Prinze charmless.
House (FOX) – Broken.
Joey (NBC) – With Friends like this, who needs enemas?
Criminal Minds (CBS) – A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Everwood (WB) – Never would.
The Tyra Banks Show (WB) – So, the boobs are real, but a silicone gel cranial implant has not been ruled out.
America’s Next Top Model (BRV) – Fash test dummies.
My Name is Earl (NBC) – And I'll be your lovable loser tonight.
Supernatural (CW) – Things that go pfft! in the night.
The Showbiz Show (COM) – Spade digs dirt.
Numb3rs (CBS) – Dumb3rs.
Head Cases (FOX) – Compost mentis.
Ghost Whisperer (CBS) – Psst, the horse was too smart to take the part.
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) – Enthusiasm didn't leave that on my lawn.
Just Legal (WB) – All plots are at least 18 years old.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC) – Bitch tapped.
E-Ring (NBC) – Colonel Dennis Hopper, the original Joint Chief, protecting the Pentagon? Why not the DEA?
Three Wishes (NBC) – I'm not greedy, Amy, grant me just one. What, you're still here?
Bones (FOX) – Boner.
Threshold (CBS) – Exceeds mine, for pain.
Rome (HBO) – Toga! Toga! Toga!
So Graham Norton (BBCA) – Norton Queers a Who.
Cold Case (CBS) – More dead bodies from the Cadaver Broadcasting System.
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX) – Tapped out.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) – Bed, Bathos and Beyond.
Nip/Tuck (FX) – Botoxic waste.
Big Brother 6 (CBS) – Voyeur of the Damned.
According to Jim (ABC) – John was the less talented one.
Everybody Hates Chris (CW) – Soft Rock.
Invasion (ABC) – Of the premise snatchers.
Over There (FX) – Beyond credibility, a little to the left of self-righteousness.
Tommy Lee Goes to College –(VH1) Summa dum mötle.
Rescue Me (FX) – I'm an insufferably smug comic trapped in a burning ego!
West Wing (NBC) – Washington, BC.
Scrubs (NBC) – The bottom of the barrel.
Grey's Anatomy (ABC) – Note the lack of a funny bone and the severely-undersized brain.
Minding the Store (TBS) – Even the canned laughs are bad.
Six Feet Under (HBO) – Worms seem to like it.
Two and a Half Men (CBS) – There's Sheen, Cryer and the kid – who are the other two?
Crossing Jordan (NBC) – To get to the other coroner.
What I Like About You (CW) – Cute as a button and only 21 minutes long.
48 Hours Mystery (CBS) – Not enough time to discover why people watch this crap.
Hit Me Baby One More Time (NBC) – Sure, Tiffany, just sing I Think We're Alone Now one more time.
The OC (FOX) – As entertaining as OCD.
Deadwood (HBO) – You said it, pardner.
Medium (NBC) – Neither rare nor well-done.
The Amazing Race (CBS) – Shameless humans are pretty incredible.
Judging Amy (CBS) – Pursuant to which, the jury hangs itself.
American Idol (FOX) – Deaf Jam.
24 (FOX) – 1,440. You'll be counting the minutes.
CSI (CBS) – An insult to the brain.
CSI: Miami (CBS) – Postmortem boredom. Autopsy-worthy performance by David Caruso.
CSI: New York (CBS) – Stiff competition. Reptilian Gary Sinise can't blink, you can't keep your eyes open.
NCIS (CBS) – Not CSI, even if you're the dyslexic CBS takes you for.
Lost (ABC) – Get.
Desperate Housewives (ABC) – Beneath the Valley of the Doll's House.
The Apprentice (NBC) – Infomercial for a make-believe billionaire and his get-ditched-quick scheme.
Without A Trace (CBS) – Of logic.
Boston Legal (ABC) – Dom James Spader plays this like a sequel to the fetishistic Secretary. "Crawl over here, 'Ms.' Shatner, and let me place this legal brief between the cheeks of your flabby bottom."
