TELEVISION
The 80th Annual Academy Awards (ABC) — Ego-disaster.
Knight Rider (NBC) — Mustang silly.
My Dad is Better Than Your Dad (NBC) — At bone smuggling.
Amne$ia (NBC) — Forget it.
1 vs. 100 (NBC) — Odds it won't cause brain seizure.
The Millionaire Matchmaker (BRV) — Cupid pet tricks.
The Price is Right (CBS) — The sum also rises.
The Whitest Kids U'Know (IFC) — Who aren't funny.
Bernard and Doris (HBO) — Dozy Duke.
Lipstick Jungle (NBC) — Gloss blower.
UFO Hunters (HIST) — Razz well.
Welcome to the Captain (CBS) — Rant controlled.
Super Bowl XLII (FOX) — A Pat on his back.
Eli Stone (ABC) — À la McBeal.
The State of the Union 2008 (COM) — W. of Mass Destruction.
In Treatment (HBO) — Shrink rapt.
The Moment of Truth (FOX) — When you realize your life is so meaningless that you can squander 60 mins. of it on this.
Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants (CW) — Tiara Boob-de-ay!
Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!) — Bottom feeders.
Psych (USA) — Out.
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC) — Nobodies business.
Comanche Moon (CBS) — Adds insult to injunry.
American Gladiators (NBC) — Circus minimus.
Cashmere Mafia (ABC) — Died in the wool.
Make Me a Supermodel (BRV) — Sure, got some baling wire, 2 gel implants, and a wombat brain?
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX) — Cybores.
Breaking Bad (AMC) — A complete meth.
Dance War (ABC) — Arch de Triomphe.
Celebrity Rehab (VH1) — Cured hams.
Charlie Rose (PBS) – And fell.
Big Idea With Donny Deutsch (CNBC) – Small-minded.
Clash of the Choirs (NBC) – Collision chorus.
Duel (ABC) – Mano-a-manure.
Little People (TLC) – Short on substance.
Survivor: China (CBS) – Try licking their toys.
This Old House Hour (PBS) – A mixer-upper.
I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again (CMT) – Smear yogurt in your hair and pass out in that puddle of beer.
Dirty Jobs (DISC) – High mucky-muck.
PM Style (QVC) – More like PMS style.Fall 2007
Big Shots (ABC) – Of cheap gin.
Carpoolers (ABC) – Takes its toll.
Cavemen (ABC) – Cro-magnonentities.
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) – Cash hot, show not.
Private Practice (ABC) – Grey'sless.
Pushing Daisies (ABC) – DOA.
Samantha Who? (ABC) – Whooey.
Women's Murder Club (ABC) – Murder most foul.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) – Bang the dumb slowly.
Cane (CBS) – Sugar schlock.
Kid Nation (CBS) – Terms of youth.
Moonlight (CBS) – Dick sucks.
Viva Laughlin (CBS) – The singing defective.
Aliens in America (CW) – Allah in the Family.
CW Now (CW) – More like WC Now.
Gossip Girl (CW) – Preposterous.
Life is Wild (CW) – Bungle in the jungle.
Online Nation (CW) – Log off.
Reaper (CW) – Grim.
Back to You (FOX) – Anchors, away!
K-Ville (FOX) – Katrina and the waves of nausea.
Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) – Dream cleaver.
Nashville (FOX) – Tennessee schmaltz.
The Next Great American Band (FOX) – Pop go the weasels.
Bionic Woman (NBC) – Brain by Radio Shack.
Chuck (NBC) – Good advice.
Journeyman (NBC) – Trips.
Life (NBC) – Support.
59th Primetime Emmy Awards (FOX) – Dirty little Seacrest.
2007 MTV Video Music Awards (MTV) – Spears chuckler.
Power of Ten (CBS) – Dumographics.
Tell Me You Love Me (HBO) – OK, and you're ass doesn't look big in the sex scenes.
Anchorwoman (FOX) – I, Witless News.
Star Jones (COURT) – Gastric. Bypass.
High School Music 2 (DIS) – Cram chorus.
The Company (TNT) – Wank-a-mole.
Saving Grace (TNT) – Start with a square meal.
The Closer (TNT) – Lacks conviction.
Flight of the Conchords (HBO) – SSTupid.
The Hills (MTV) – Are alive with the sound of mucus.
The Bronx is Burning (ESPN) – It's jock itch.
Damages (FX) – To my cerebral cortex.
Mad Men (AMC) – Sons of pitches.
Set for Life (ABC) – In concrete.
This American Life (SHO) – Glass, half full of himself.
The Singing Bee (NBC) – Buzz kill.
Don't Forget the Lyrics! (FOX) – ai yai yaiTunes.
American Dad (FOX) – If Family Guy is too subtle for you.
Greek (ABC) – Fratulence.
Shaq's Big Challenge (ABC) – Chubby checkers.
Criss Angel: Mindfreak (A&E) – Sleight of ham.
John From Cincinnati (HBO) – Boob tubular.
Age of Love (NBC) – Consenting dolts.
Hidden Palms (CW) – They're in his pants.
National Bingo Night (ABC) – Riffraffle.
Big Love – (HBO) I won't pan it, but it's awful bigamy.
The Tudors – (SHO) A royal mess.
Sunset Tan – (E!) Bronze bomber.
Shear Genius (BRV) – Cliptomania.
Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search (CMT) – Shake your Mai Tai maker.
On the Lot (FOX) – Turkey shoot.
Pirate Master (CBS) – Raiders of the Lost Arrgh.
Real Wedding Crashers (NBC) – RSVPee.
The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman (ABC) – Rank yanker.
Antiques Roadshow (PBS) – Junkies.
Run's House (MTV) – Home sweet homie.
Adventures in Hollyhood (MTV) – The Scumset Strip.
The Colbert Report (COM) – Neoconterfeit.
Daily Show With Jon Stewart (COM) – Such a big mocker.
Larry King Live (CNN) – Just barely.
Identity (NBC) – Penn and duller.
Close to Home (CBS) – The outhouse to be exact.
Raines (NBC) – All wet.
October Road (ABC) – Writer's cramps.
Andy Barker, P.I. (NBC) – Mal Barker.
Hogan Knows Best (VH1) – The inedible Hulk.
Dice Undisputed (VH1) – World's Biggest Asshole, no contest.
The Winner (FOX) – A weiner.
79th Academy Awards (ABC) – DeGeneric.
In Case of Emergency (ABC) – Click OFF.
The Wedding Bells (FOX) – Union jack.
Wicked Wicked Games (MNT) – Like Spin the Bottle of Paxil.
Black Donnellys (NBC) – When Irish guys are smelling.
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX) – Are you watching this?
The Sarah Silverman Program (COM) – Potty girl.
Naked Trucker & T-Bones (COM) – Honk if you love overalls.
High School Musical (DIS) – Acts of atrocity.
Friday Night SmackDown! (CW) – Pin-heads.
The Real Housewives of Orange County (BRV) – Mrs. mock.
Gay, Straight or Taken? (LIFE) – Swish list.
Footballer$ Wives (BBCA) – Goal diggers.
My Super Sweet 16 – (MTV) The princess and the PS3.
Dirt (FX) – Dishoveled.
The Knights of Prosperity (ABC) – Gang green.
Rules of Engagement (CBS) – Manual stimulation.
Grease: You're the One That I Want (NBC) – To get hit by a '59 Chevy.
Blue Collar TV (WB) – Goobermensch.
Charmed (WB) – Hex offenders.
My Boys (TBS) – Seven boobs, including hers.
Best Week Ever (VH1) – Banalysis.
The Soup (E!) – Cream of dirt.
Smallville (CW) – This Kent be happening.
One Tree Hill (CW) – A log on a bump.
Friday Night Lights (NBC) – 4th and 100.
Show Me the Money (ABC) – Just lift Shatner's rug.
Top Chef (BRV) – Cordon bhluughh.
3 Lbs. (CBS) – About the weight of a frozen ham.
Fashion House (MNT) – Botrocious.
Desire – (MNT) Turn off.
The Nine – (ABC) Nein.
Laguna Beach (MTV) – SoCallow.
Battlestar Galactica (SCI FI) – Sigh-fi.
Dexter (SHO) – Homicide-splitting.
The L-Word (SHO) – Loser.
Vanished (FOX) – Poof! piece.
Help Me Help You (ABC) – Paging Dr. Kevorkian.
Kidnapped (NBC) – Mom napped. Dad napped. Dog napped.
Class (CBS) – Head of the crass.
Jericho (CBS) – Fallout boy.
Ugly Betty (ABC) – Dog show.
Saturday Night Live (NBC) – Just turned 32, exactly 18 months older than its last amusing skit.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC) – The Waste Wing.
30 Rock (NBC) – Fey.
Heroes (NBC) – Stupor-powered.
Twenty Good Years (NBC) – Spend none of them on this.
Shark (CBS) – Really, really bites.
Smith (CBS) – Snuffy.
Men in Trees (ABC) – What the Malay call orangutans.
The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS) – Sitcomatose.
Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) – Yatter-yatter-yatter.
Weeds (SHO) – Pot shot.
Standoff (FOX) – Stale mates.
Justice (FOX) – A miscarriage.
'Til Death (FOX) – Can't wait.
George Lopez (ABC) – Kidney beaner.
The Mind of Mencia (COM) – Demencia praecox.
Celebrity Duets (FOX) – Two bad.
Countdown with Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) – The O'Reilly Fucker.
War at Home (FOX) – Bag Dad.
Rock Star: Supernova (CBS) – Burnout.
America Has Talent (NBC) – Evidence to the contrary.
Kyle XY (ABC Family) – Zzzzzz.
Hell's Kitchen (FOX) – One toque over the line.
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (BRV) – Wannabeeatch.
Last Comic Standing (NBC) – Stand-up and jeer.
The One: Making a Music Star (ABC) – #1 with a bullshit.
Entourage (HBO) – Posse whipped.
Lovespring International (LIFE) – Expiration dates.
Windfall (NBC) – Bobonanza.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (OXY) – Manic kin.
Tuesday Night Book Club (CBS) – They should've read the warning on the Zoloft label.
Lucky Louie (HBO) – He hasn't got HBO.
How to Get the Guy (ABC) – Femme futile.
Treasure Hunters (NBC) – Playing for creeps.
Nashville Star (CMT) – Bland Ole Opry.
Pepper Dennis (WB) – Bad News Bunny.
South Park (COM) – Envy Kenny.
Family Guy (FOX) – Haterfamilias.
Alias (ABC) – Pseudonymskull.
The Evidence (ABC) – Clueless.
Heist (NBC) – Heavy lifting.
Hustle (AMC) – Filmflam.
Blow Out (BRV) – Sham poo.
Beauty & the Geek (WB) – Dweeb dreams are made of this.
Modern Men (WB) – Because they're erect?
American Inventor (ABC) – Patently absurd.
The Loop (FOX) – Circle jerks.
The Unit (CBS) – A millimamet.
The Sopranos (HBO) – Badder bing.
Sons and Daughters (ABC) – Children of the corn.
Project Runway (BRV) – On the rags.
Love Monkey (CBS) – Primating.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Deaf, dumb and blind date.
Skating With Celebrities (FOX) – Thick head, thin ice.
Crumbs (ABC) – What's left of the Ho Hos.
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC) – Did they check his pulse?
Law & Order (NBC) – Arrested development.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC) – Get away.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) – Bogus operandi.
The Office (NBC) – Job blot.
Deal or No Deal (NBC) – With Howie Mandel you've got to ask?
Monk (USA) – Felonious.
Emily's Reasons Why Not (ABC) – ABC's: 2. Script. 1. Heather Graham. (Cancelled)
The Bachelor (CBS) – Harem scare'm.
Jake in Progress (ABC) – A jerk in progress.
Prison Break (FOX) – Detention deficit disorder.
Wife Swap (ABC) – Shrew confessions.
Las Vegas (NBC) – What happens in Vegas stays in your colon.
That 70's Show (FOX) – Polyesteryear.
The Shield (FX) – Good cop, bald cop.
Stacked (FOX) – Grade 36D.
Commander in Chief (ABC) – Geena Davis as the first female President of the United States. Bill Clinton's wet dream.
The Biggest Loser (NBC) – The fat goes right to your head.
Twins (WB) – Melanie Griffith's are not identical (her plastic surgeon had lazy eye.)
Supernanny (ABC) – Watching these families in action is a Vatican-approved method of birth control.
Still Standing (CBS) – Which is why it isn't much of a sitcom.
Freddie (ABC) – Prinze charmless.
House (FOX) – Broken.
Joey (NBC) – With Friends like this, who needs enemas?
Criminal Minds (CBS) – A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Everwood (WB) – Never would.
The Tyra Banks Show (WB) – So, the boobs are real, but a silicone gel cranial implant has not been ruled out.
America’s Next Top Model (BRV) – Fash test dummies.
My Name is Earl (NBC) – And I'll be your lovable loser tonight.
Supernatural (CW) – Things that go pfft! in the night.
The Showbiz Show (COM) – Spade digs dirt.
Numb3rs (CBS) – Dumb3rs.
Head Cases (FOX) – Compost mentis.
Ghost Whisperer (CBS) – Psst, the horse was too smart to take the part.
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) – Enthusiasm didn't leave that on my lawn.
Just Legal (WB) – All plots are at least 18 years old.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC) – Bitch tapped.
E-Ring (NBC) – Colonel Dennis Hopper, the original Joint Chief, protecting the Pentagon? Why not the DEA?
Three Wishes (NBC) – I'm not greedy, Amy, grant me just one. What, you're still here?
Bones (FOX) – Boner.
Threshold (CBS) – Exceeds mine, for pain.
Rome (HBO) – Toga! Toga! Toga!
So Graham Norton (BBCA) – Norton Queers a Who.
Cold Case (CBS) – More dead bodies from the Cadaver Broadcasting System.
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX) – Tapped out.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) – Bed, Bathos and Beyond.
Nip/Tuck (FX) – Botoxic waste.
Big Brother 6 (CBS) – Voyeur of the Damned.
According to Jim (ABC) – John was the less talented one.
Everybody Hates Chris (CW) – Soft Rock.
Invasion (ABC) – Of the premise snatchers.
Over There (FX) – Beyond credibility, a little to the left of self-righteousness.
Tommy Lee Goes to College –(VH1) Summa dum mötle.
Rescue Me (FX) – I'm an insufferably smug comic trapped in a burning ego!
West Wing (NBC) – Washington, BC.
Scrubs (NBC) – The bottom of the barrel.
Grey's Anatomy (ABC) – Note the lack of a funny bone and the severely-undersized brain.
Minding the Store (TBS) – Even the canned laughs are bad.
Six Feet Under (HBO) – Worms seem to like it.
Two and a Half Men (CBS) – There's Sheen, Cryer and the kid – who are the other two?
Crossing Jordan (NBC) – To get to the other coroner.
What I Like About You (CW) – Cute as a button and only 21 minutes long.
48 Hours Mystery (CBS) – Not enough time to discover why people watch this crap.
Hit Me Baby One More Time (NBC) – Sure, Tiffany, just sing I Think We're Alone Now one more time.
The OC (FOX) – As entertaining as OCD.
Deadwood (HBO) – You said it, pardner.
Medium (NBC) – Neither rare nor well-done.
The Amazing Race (CBS) – Shameless humans are pretty incredible.
Judging Amy (CBS) – Pursuant to which, the jury hangs itself.
American Idol (FOX) – Deaf Jam.
24 (FOX) – 1,440. You'll be counting the minutes.
CSI (CBS) – An insult to the brain.
CSI: Miami (CBS) – Postmortem boredom. Autopsy-worthy performance by David Caruso.
CSI: New York (CBS) – Stiff competition. Reptilian Gary Sinise can't blink, you can't keep your eyes open.
NCIS (CBS) – Not CSI, even if you're the dyslexic CBS takes you for.
Lost (ABC) – Get.
Desperate Housewives (ABC) – Beneath the Valley of the Doll's House.
The Apprentice (NBC) – Infomercial for a make-believe billionaire and his get-ditched-quick scheme.
Without A Trace (CBS) – Of logic.
Boston Legal (ABC) – Dom James Spader plays this like a sequel to the fetishistic Secretary. "Crawl over here, 'Ms.' Shatner, and let me place this legal brief between the cheeks of your flabby bottom."
