FICTION

Sail by James Patterson — Critical mast.
Fearless Fourteen by Janet Evanovich — Fearing fifteen.
The Host by Stephanie Meyer — With the least.
Rogue by Danielle Steel — Steel yourself.
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski — Daft mute.
Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger — The Devil wears nada.
Devil May Care by Sebastian Faulks — But I do not.
Swine Not? by Jimmy Buffett — Pig-headed.
Sunday at Tiffany's by James Patterson — Screwing with her head.
The Whole Truth by David Baldacci — Clunk and dagger.
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben — Not gripping.
Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri — Bengali gee whillikers.
Where Are You Now? by Mary Higgins Clark — Asleep in a recliner with this book across my chest.
Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner — Princess yutz.
Quicksand by Iris Johansen — Sucks slowly.
Dead Heat by Joel C. Rosenberg — Nyuck and nyuck.
Bulls Island by Dorothea Benton Frank — Sodden comfort.
Christ the Lord: The Road to Cana by Anne Rice — Whine maker.
Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella — The name wrings a ball.
Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult — Aorta be a law!
A Prisoner of Birth by Jeffrey Archer — Kin Con.
Killer Heat by Linda Fairstein — Hazy, hot and stupid.
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb — Given the cold shoulder.
Lush Life by Richard Price — Liquidation Price.
Plum Lucky by Janet Evanovich — Pudding green.
Sizzle and Burn by Jayne Ann Krentz — Like a wet firecracker.
The Senator's Wife by Sue Miller — The Capitol dame.
The Spare Wife by Alex Witchel — A flat.
Duma Key by Stephen King — Beach coma.
The Reserve by Russell Banks — Stock.
The Appeal by John Grisham — Is extremely limited.
People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks — Haggadah be kidding.
The Shooters by W.E.B. Griffin — W.E.B crawler.
T is for Trespass by Sue Grafton – Keep out.
World Without End by Ken Follett – Amend.
The Darkest Evening of the Year by Dean Koontz – Leash likely to succeed.
For One More Day by Mitch Albom – Maternity wad.
The Choice by Nicholas Sparks – Chews.
The Chase by Clive Cussler – A boring tail.
Exit Ghost by Philip Roth – A zucker, man.
Stone Cold by David Baldacci – Old spies.
Rhett Butler's People by Donald McCaig – Rhettched.
Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell – Crypt notes.
Protect and Defend by Vince Flynn – Frag-waver.
Playing for Pizza by John Grisham – Pie-eyed.
A Lick of Frost by Laurell K. Hamilton – But not of sense.
The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold – Half cheeky.
You've Been Warned by James Patterson – Don't make me write another one of these!
Everlasting by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss – It just feels that way.
Brother Odd by Dean Koontz – Hey, Abbot!
Wife for Hire by Janet Evanovich – Check mate.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling – Exspelled.
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini – Kabul sessions.
The Good Guy by Dean Koontz – Koontz skin crap.
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey by Chuck Palahniuk – More like Upchuck.
The 6th Target by James Patterson – Bull, *sigh*.
Bad Luck and Trouble by Lee Child – Double down.
Pearl Harbor: A Novel of December 8th by Newt Gingrich – Hai of Newt.
Simple Genius by David Baldacci – Spyin'-less.
The Overlook by Michael Connelly – Anonymous Bosch.
Body Surfing by Anita Shreve – Boogie bored.
The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon – Oys in blue.
The Children of Hurin by J.R.R. Tolkein – Must be little pissers.
The Woods by Harlan Coben – Forest gump.
I Heard That Song Before by Mary Higgins Clark – Tune buggy.
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult – Gutting class.
Sleeping with Strangers by Eric Jerome Dickey – Just start reading this on a crowded train.
Step on A Crack by James Patterson – Backbreaking.
Plum Lovin' by Janet Evanovich – Plum silly.
The Castle in the Forest by Norman Mailer – A minor Führer.
Hide by Lisa Gardner – And don't seek.
Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris – Foot-in-mouth disease.
Natural Born Charmer by Susan Elizabeth Phillips – Pass/fail.
You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore – No, you!
H.R.H. by Danielle Steel – Her Royal Hokeyness.
Dear John by Nicholas Sparks – Beloved Crapper.
The Collectors by David Baldacci – Of dust.
Lisey's Story by Stephen King – Dead wringer.
Echo Park by Michael Connelly – Predicta...ble...ble...ble.
For One More Day by Mitch Albom – It's a wonderful lie.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy – Full of plotholes.
Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier – Heap big yawn.
The Mission Song by John le Carré – Dum ba yah.
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards – Forgettable.
Judge & Jury by James Patterson – Death sentences.
Angels Fall by Nora Roberts – As gripping as Fixodent.
At Risk by Patricia Cornwell – For blunt drama.
Two Little Girls in Blue by Mary Higgins Clark – Ransom jive by her.
Digging to America by Anne Tyler – With a teaspoon.
Terrorist by John Updike – An Improvised Explosive Dud.
Everyman by Philip Roth – Kvetch-22.
The Secret Supper by Javier Sierra – The Da Vinci mode.
The Last Templar by Raymond Khoury – Nighty, knight.
Memory in Death by JD Robb – In-death reporting.
S Is For Silence by Sue Grafton – And for Stop it, please, I'm begging you!
Cell: A Novel by Stephen King – A brains-free device.
The Cat Who Dropped a Bombshell by Lillian Jackson Braun – Stinking outside the box.
Mary, Mary by James Patterson – Quite unscary.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer – An account of the hoopla and ass-kissing engendered by his overrated debut novel Everything Is Illuminated.
At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks – His new 3-Hanky-Soaked-in-Chloroform romance.
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown – Brown's PIN.
The Broker by John Grisham – No deal.
A Time to Kill by John Grisham – Time.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling – Rowling's latest doorstop is only 652 pages thick and clearly inferior to her chunkier previous volume.

NON-FICTION

The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder by Vincent Bugliosi — POTUS Operandi.
When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris — Singe City.
Fleeced by Dick Morris — Shear idiocy.
My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor — Cerebral.
Me of Little Faith by Lewis Black — High rant.
What Happened by Scott McClellan — So did shit.
Audition by Barbara Walters — Next!
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler — Hooch coochie.
Escape by Caroline Jessop — I'm gone.
Armageddon in Retrospect by Kurt Vonnegut — Kilgore Trout variations.
The Revolution: A Manifesto by Ron Paul — More Gummo than Karl Marx.
Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped a Nation by Cokie Roberts — Notre dames.
Home: A Memoir of My Early Years by Julie Andrews — Poppins off.
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science & Sex by Mary Roach — Bunk mates.
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Meth Addiction by David Sheff — Speed reading.
sTori Telling by Tori Spelling — wHori smelling.
Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time by Valerie Bertinelli — Diet of worms.
The Age of American Unreason by Susan Jacoby — Or: The Bush Years.
Reconciliation: Islam, Democracy, and the West by Benazir Bhutto — Awwkward!
Send Yourself Roses by Kathleen Turner — Four Roses.
Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney — Bipolar express.
Love and Consequences by Margaret B. Jones — But no truth.
Iceman: My Fighting Life by Chuck Liddell — Martial arse.
The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner — Churl's atlas.
Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography by Andrew Morton — Top gunk.
Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning by Jonah Goldberg — Sieg Hil.
Real Change: From the World That Fails to the World That Works by Newt Gingrich — A penny for his thoughts.
90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death & Life by Don Piper — 208 minutes in Hell.
In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan — Trench mouth.
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Oliver Sacks – Looney tunes.
An Inconvenient Book: Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems by Genn Beck – Hazardous emissions.
Boom!: Voices of the Sixties Personal Reflections on the '60s and Today by Tom Brokaw – The laidest generation.
The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court by Jeffrey Toobin – Robe-a-dope.
Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life by Steve Martin – Mild and lazy.
Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish by Mark Levin – A yapping bitch and his dog.
Good Dog. Stay. by Anna Quinlen – Curb appeal.
I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert – Pundittohead.
Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy – Religious Colt.
The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx – Motley crude.
Slash by Slash – Slush.
Clapton: The Autobiography by Eric Clapton – Written slow hand.
My Grandfather's Son: A Memoir by Clarence Thomas – Scary decisis.
Lyrics by Sting – Oh, Po–lice!
Fair Game by Valerie Plame Wilson – On the outs.
The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown – The Princess and the Pea Brain.
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes by Thomas Cathcart – A real Schopenhowler.
Jesus of Nazareth by Pope Benedict XVI – Pope fiction.
Presidential Courage by Michael Beschloss – Inaugural balls.
God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens – Throws pious in your face.
The Assault on Reason by Al Gore – Path o' logical.
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb – Meet the flockers.
At the Center of the Storm: My Years at the CIA by George Tenet – Preaching to the coverted.
Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson – Fad Albert.
Where Have All the Leaders Gone? by Lee Iacocca – Chrysler crossfire.
How Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman – Whoa, I just asked and she took off her panties!
This Moment on Earth by John Kerry & Teresa Heinz Kerry – Playing ketchup on the environment.
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne – Psst off.
Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog by John Grogan – Like a little gift left on your rug.
Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid by Jimmy Carter – Hamas appeal.
The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11 by Dinesh D'Souza – Pin the blame on the donkey.
Pistol: The Life of Pete Maravich by Mark Kriegel – Misfire.
Culture Warrior by Bill O'Reilly – Onan the Barbarian.
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream by Barack Obama – Poll vaulting.
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins – Beyond belief.
I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence – by Amy Sedaris – Hostess ding-dong.
The Innocent Man by John Grisham – A guilty pain.
State of Denial by Bob Woodward – Stating the oblivious.
I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman by Nora Ephron – Crow's feat.
Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons by Tim Russert – Meet Depress.
Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter – Bitching for a fight.
The Right Words at the Right Time Volume 2 : Your Turn! by Marlo Thomas – Just two: Go away.
Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You To Know About by Kevin Trudeau – Because "they" don't hear the same voices in "their" heads.
Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent – Cock and bull.
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey – Soap Oprah.
The Ultimate Weight Solution by Phil McGraw – Beheading.
365: No Repeats by Rachael Ray – Except for the recipes with legumes.
100 People Who Are Screwing Up America: (and Al Franken Is #37) by Bernard Goldberg – #1-36: Bush, his Cabinet and 13 White House Staffers. #38-100: the first 63 imbeciles who voted for him.
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell – Blink? Your eyes will be welded shut.
The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the 21st Century by Thomas Friedman – Lacks depth.
The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren – Poor piss-driven.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom – The kitchen staff of Le Bernadin and Beyoncé.
My Life So Far by Jane Fonda – Borebarella.
Freakonomics by Steven Levitt – The sizzling hot side of the sexy science of e...co...nom...iczzzzzzz.