VENI, V-DAY, VICI
The Valentines Directorate (VD) has listed its top ten male lovers for the year dating from February 14, 2009. "It was a neck-and-necking competition this annum," commented VD chief Romeo L'Amour, "without a hicky's-breadth of separation between the top smoochers and the also-pecks."
Unsurprisingly, the top vote getter was Tiger Woods, a "veritable martyr to passion", per L'Amour, "a man whose first name screams animal sex drive and whose surname suggests he's got the extremely stiff clubs in his bag to back it up." How many bouquets and chocolate bonbons will the dirty duffer be sending this year, given the multiple maidens on his crowded scorecard (and each with a hole-in-one)?
Runner-up was former Presidential aspirant John Edwards for his multiparty romance that began with an election year bid to screw a nation of Democrats even as he was poling mistress Rielle Hunter. The title Bastard Out of Carolina could refer equally to him or his illegitimate heir. Second runner-up was the disgraced Carolinian to the South, Mark Sanford, the Lovernator who went AWOL to tango horizontally with his Argentine inamorata. Both of the politicos' spurned spouses produced best-selling books to prove that Hell hath no royalties like a woman scorned.
The rest of the lauded Lotharios are: 4) McSteamy Mark Sloan for romancing the stoned in his 3D(ouchebags) sex tape, 5) New York Governor David Paterson for his ardent denials of the blind love that dare not print its name, 6) gay blade Charley Sheen who finally learned the benefit of marriage: you don't need to pay a chick to abuse her, 7) Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi whose dalliances with teenagers prove that when the moon hits your eye like a bigga reproduction of the Statue of Liberty, that's amore, 8) The Twilight vampire guy for getting all those little suckers to flock to movie theaters, 9) ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips who suffered a gland slam after blaming sex addiction for his double play for a production assistant, and 10) Michael Moore, who dedicated an entire film to his deep passion for an economic system, and the sound of his own voice in Capitalism: A Love Story.
02/13/10
SANTA'S LAP DANCE
The Yuletide Trust has issued its annual Top 12 Wishes of Christmas List:
12) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: silent nuke, holy nuke; 11) Michael Richards: NAACP Image Award; 10) Mel Gibson: bupkes; 9) Tiger Woods: hole-in-one or more; 8) Nadya Suleman: octo-gone; 7) Falcon Heene: golden parachute; 6) Rihanna: Brown belt; 5) Mark Sanford: tango and cash; 4) Michaele Salahi: 15 more minutes; 3) Sarah Palin: big birther clubs; 2) Bernie Madoff: bars of soap; 1) Silvio Berlusconi: his two front teeth. Enjoy your own holiday cheer with the INXart Holiday Package.
12/24/09
NOBEL GAS
Nominators Unashamed of Premature Evaluation
The Norwegian Nobel Committee (Nonoco) was apparently inspired by the preemptive strike doctrine of former President George W. Bush in impetuously awarding it's prestigious Peace Prize to Barack Obama. And, perhaps, by the idea of providing a gold-plated de nada to Obama's heart-felt perdon for Bush's disastrous postemptive damage to America's global relations.
Now, the renowned Now What Institute of Nominators (Nowin) in Moose Tick, MN has been inspired by Nonoco's foresight and fearlessness to inaugurate its own Premature Achievement Awards. The first annual Preemies will honor the anticipated accomplishments of an illustrious roster of honorees dedicated to jumping the gun, letting slip the spoiler, and reading the last page first. Nowin Chairperson and futurist Erwin "Eloi" Tiffler insisted the Preemies were the perfect prize for our impatient times, noting, "everything in our society is about instant gratification –– we're just hitting the fast forward button and zipping to the H.G. Wellesian next of when, y'know? And, in the process, blowing the Vegas bookies' minds."
So let us steam open the Price-Waterhouse envelopes, and pre-reveal the 2010 Preemie winners before they're nominations have even been officially posted.
Literature –– Sarah Palin will bag and dress the prestigious J. Danforth Quayle Citation for Outstanding Political Memoirization for her brilliant 2011 sequel (written in three weeks!) Going Rogue II: Rogue v. Wade.
Chemistry –– The Brangelina Loving Cup for Media Magnetism will be bestowed on irresistable screen couple Buzz Lightyear and Woody for their entire artificial body of work that climaxes in Toy Story IV: Strap-ons.
Medicine –– The Platinum Hypo should inject new life into the career of David Hasselhoff whose selfless donation of stem cells from his liver will lead to a treatment for acute sufferers of Alcoholic Self-shaming Syndrome (ASS).
Physics –– The Jerry Falwell Matter From Heaven Trophy will be granted to the Kansas State School Board which will reenter the creationism debate by mandating Fundamental Neophysics be taught in middle schools to explain cataclysmic events like earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes in terms of the cumulative evil energy generated by gay sex.
Economics –– The Madoff Medal in Applied Pyramid Theory will be shared equally by former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and current Secretary Timothy Geithner for rescuing the critical U.S. Corporate Bonus System –– the award includes a handsome Golden Parachute and an undisclosed number of Goldman Sachs shares.
Peace –– The 2010 solid-plastic Dove Bar will be won by Bono –– Chaz Bono. The transgendered offspring of Cher, formerly known as Chastity, will achieve a nuclear disarmament treaty with Iran by convincing key government officials there to undergo sex change operations and then go fuck themselves.
10/20/09
CORPSE CÉLÈBRE
Heaven gained two sparkling new stars when Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson were both booked for a date at the Palace by that great talent agent in the sky. One can only imagine recently-deceased Vegas impressionist Danny Gans moonwalking to meet Michael at the Pearly Gates while warbling Billie Jean. And the good-natured joshing between him and dead Fred Travalena as they trade breathy Jackoisms to the nervous cherubs while David Carradine hangs around and quips to Michael, "I'm still in the closet, too."
With fetching Farrah's poster hanging above his bed, St. Peter won't need Gabriel's trumpet nor Ed McMahon's booming "Heeere's Petey!" to get his little seraph to arise and stand at attention (even when Bea Arthur growls at him to take out the garbage.) And when Charley's Angel teams up with Marilyn Chambers behind the green door with the heavenly hosts it will take a barrel full of Billy Mays' OxiClean to wipe up the mess.
06/29/09
THE PEST IS YET TO COME
Springtime in Washington, DC means a wide variety of annoying infestations as many insects awaken from their winter slumbers in small-town USA to once again crawl up and down the steps of the nation's Capitol, and slither, hum, and hop through the lush grass of the White House's South Lawn. Here is a brief guide to some of the most virulent nuisances that will vex the Commander-in-Chief this year.
SWEET HOME À LA OBAMA
WASHINGTON, DC –– Sunday’s We Are One (Annoying Bunch) Concert along the National Mall in Washington DC kicked off a three-day national celebration that will culminate in the installation of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. An enthusiastic roster of showbiz stars who represented the wide range of the American experience stretching from the BET demographic to the VH1 demographic celebrated both the realization of Dr. King's dream of an America that transcends racial limitations and the expiration of Dr. Demento's nightmare which has been the last eight years of the Bush Presidency.
Some have noted (write to us for a list) that beneath the understandable pride and intense hoopla of the Obamboree lurks a worrisome undercurrent of euphoria, not unlike Alan Greenspan's "irrational exuberance" –– the meth-fueled ecstasy that led to the economy's crash-and-burn. Despite their idol's sober assessments designed to ratchet down expectations, some Obamaniacs in the crowd seemed disappointed that he had not moon-walked backwards the length of the reflecting pool to the Lincoln Memorial and then reanimated Abe's 20-ft.-tall statue to join him in break dancing to Stevie Wonder's Higher Ground.
Some of the fist-bumping and arm-waving that accompany Obama's public love fests suggest the desperate flailing of a drowning person –– the faith that he can rescue us all is touching, but one wouldn't bet what was left of one's 401(k) on it. The U.S. government can print a lot of money and shoot t-notes like t-shirts from air cannons into the economic crowd, but can it employ all of those laid off from jobs producing things that others don't really need, so that they will have enough cash in their pockets to buy the things that they don't really need?
His constituents may turn hope into a four-letter word with their great expectations, but they're sure to transform agenda politics for the next four years. Women want equal pay, fewer Hillary jokes, and more dreaminess from O. Environmentalists expect him to transform the White House into the Green House before the Potomac crests at the Capitol Dome. Human rights activists demand Gitmo be shut down, but only after a World Court war crimes trial sends Rumsfeld and Cheney there for a long, hot summer. Gay Rights proponents want to see same-sex marriage legalized in every state while the don't ask, don't tell doctrine be shot down in the military, and applied instead to divorce court proceedings.
College sports fans think Obama can pressure the NCAA into a playoff system and a ban on ego-enhancing supplements –– his hometown Chicago Cubs fans insist that he grant them World Series rings by presidential decree. All of his young supporters expect free ringtones, unlimited texting and a ban on purity rings –– the African American ones demand especially blingy Congressional Medals of Honor for Tupac and Biggie. Joe the Plumber wants another Ronald Reagan. Joe the Unemployed, another Franklin D. Roosevelt. Joe the Republican, another Jimmy Carter. Joe Sixpack, another case. Lotsa luck.
01/20/09
