Critic's Corner: Television

Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) –– Baggage Handler.
House of Lies (SHO) –– Cheadle twee and Cheadle dumb.
The Firm (NBC) –– Rule of flaw.
Alcatraz (FOX) –– Punk Rock.
Work It (ABC) –– Nib and tuck.
Jane By Design (ABC Family) –– Jane err.

Method to the Madness of Jerry Lewis (Encore) –– Laaa-dy! gaga.
Who’s Still Standing? (NBC) –– Bums away!
T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle (VH1) –– Release the crackin'.
Impractical Jokers (TruTV) –– Debit cards.
Weed Wars (DISC) –– Sess pool.
Would You Rather? with Graham Norton (BBC America) –– I’d rather not.

The Layover (Travel Channel) –– Bourdain on the ridiculous.
The Exes (TV Land) –– Chuck mates.
All-American Muslim (TLC) –– Islame.
You Deserve It (ABC) –– Naw, you’re not that bad.
I Hate My Teenage Daughter (FOX) –– But not as much as this show.
Monster In-Laws (A&E) –– Meddle class.
I Do Over (WE) –– I’d do over, too.
The Thick of It (BBC America) –– It’s all in their heads.
Hell on Wheels (AMC) –– Hardy RR.

Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC) –– Rock stolid.
Allen Gregory (FOX) –– What a prig!
Good Vibes (MTV) –– Surf and turd.
Once Upon a Time (ABC) –– In the worst.
Fashion Hunters (BRV) –– Loaded for bare.
Mad Fashion (BRV) –– Yes, he’s having a fit!
Grimm (NBC) –– Indeed.
American Hoggers (A&E) –– Hog's quash.

The Rosie Show (OWN) –– Rosie the Driveler.
Boss (Starz) –– Humbug!
American Horror Story (ABC) –– A horrorshow.
Last Man Standing (ABC) –– In a pile of poop.
Enlightened (HBO) –– A Dern shame.
Homeland (SHO) –– Terror hoot.
Top Secret Recipe (CMT) –– The cunning little fixins.

Terra Nova (FOX) –– Terrable.
Man Up! (ABC) –– Yours!
Ken Burns’ Prohibition (PBS) –– Against non-drowsy documentaries.
How to Be a Gentleman (CBS) –– Don’t point out that this blows.
Hart of Dixie (CW) –– Hart of bomb.
Suburgatory (ABC) –– Suburban on the rocks.
Pan Am (ABC) –– Fly spec.

The Chew (ABC) –– Nibble ring.
Long Island Medium (TLC) –– LIEek!
Dirty Soap (E!) –– Scum total.
The Nerdist (BBC America) –– On a wimp.
A Gifted Man (CBS) –– Did not write this.
Sweet Genius (Food) –– Sugar lump.
Prison Diaries (TLC) –– Raw bars.

Whitney (NBC) –– Whitless.
Prime Suspect (NBC) –– Perp piss.
Person of Interest (CBS) –– To nobody.
Charlie’s Angels (ABC) –– Charlie whores.
The X-Factor (FOX) –– Cowell plop.
Revenge (ABC) –– Do not seek.
Unforgettable (CBS) –– Scrotal recall.
New Girl (FOX) –– Old premise.
The Playboy Club (NBC) –– Bunny flop.

Anderson (WB) –– Stooper.
2 Broke Girls (CBS) –– 1 broken series.
The Secret Circle (CW) –– Of hell.
Free Agents (NBC) –– No one would sign them.
Up All Night (NBC) –– With nightmares of this.
H8R (CW) –– H8 it.
Rise Up (ESPN) –– Like a bad taco.
Ringer (CW) –– Twin geeks.
Bad Dog! (Animal Planet) –– Did you make this?!

The Hour (BBC America) –– News corpse.
Dinosaur Revolution (DISC) –– Lizard Frères.
Most Eligible Dallas (BRV) –– Texas longwhores.
Strike Back (Cinemax) –– Strike out.
Russian Dolls (Lifetime) –– Brighton Beeatch.
Against the Wall (Lifetime) –– To be shot.
Same Name (NBC) –– Lame game.
Awkward (MTV) –– Y’think?
Web Therapy (SHO) –– For spiders only.
Whisker Wars (IFC) –– Shaving gits.
Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime) –– Candid Barr.

The O’Neals (OWN) –– Loathe Story.
Alphas (SyFy) –– Dogs.
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz) –– Touch wood.
One Man Army (DISC) –– Exposed privates.
Rocco’s Dinner Party (BRV) –– DiSpiriting.
The Electric Barbarellas (MTV) –– Slut machines.

Wilfred (FX) –– A shaggy dog.
Love in the Wild (NBC) –– Ants in the pants.
Necessary Roughness (USA) –– Like bark toilet paper.
Expedition Impossible (ABC) –– Or unnecessary, at least.
Suits (USA) –– Not me.
Life on a Wire (Discovery) –– Extremely thin.

Falling Skies (TNT) –– Alienation of infections.
Combat Hospital (ABC) –– You'll deserve combat pay.
Happily Divorced (TV Land) –– Bearded lady.
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (COM) –– Benjamin Moron.
Outcasts (BBC America) –– Cast out.
The Protector (LIFE) –– Indefensible.
Teen Wolf (MTV) –– Clawed da pussy

The World According to Paris (Oxygen) –– Paris cites.
Franklin & Bash (TNT) –– Ordure in the court.
Platinum Hit (BRV) –– Tin pan valley.
Single Ladies (VH1) –– Put a ring through it.
Too Big to Fail (HBO) –– Obviously not.
The Looney Tunes Show (Cartoon Network) –– Bugs me.
South Riding (PBS) –– Off the rails.
Cinema Verite (HBO) –– Loud and not proud.

The Voice (NBC) –– Cheep trills.
Happy Endings (ABC) –– Jerk offs.
Game of Thrones (HBO) –– Throne off course.
The Paul Reiser Show (NBC) –– Oily Reiser.
Upstairs, Downstairs (PBS) –– Retch butler.
Gigolos (SHO) –– Chicken man-whore.
Workaholics (COM) –– Skeeve jobs.
Relapse (A&E) –– High fibber.

The Borgias (SHO) –– Bores ya’.
His Way (HBO) –– Weintraubled.
Pregnant in Heels (BRV) –– Teether totter.
Breaking In (FOX) –– Two.
The Killing (AMC) –– Of time.
Coal (Spike) –– Turkey.
The Kennedys (ReelzChannel) –– Hyenas’ sport.

Mildred Pierce (HBO) –– Gay Pierce.
Camelot (Starz) –– Knight crawler.
Body of Proof (ABC) –– Corpse of study.
The Pee-wee Herman Show on Broadway (HBO) –– Puerile agony.
America’s Next Great Restaurant (NBC) –– Yanking their chains.
Breakout Kings (A&E) –– Its appeal escapes me.
Secret Millionaire (ABC) –– Loaded like a diaper.

Criminal Minds: Supect Behavior (CBS) –– What you’d suspect.
Taking on Tyson (Animal Planet) –– Don't get him started, he'll chew your ear off.
Shedding for the Wedding (CW) –– Ditching for the hitching.
Thurgood (HBO) –– Marshall law.
The Injustice Files (Investigation Discovery) –– It justice stupid.
Mad Love (CBS) –– Affair to middling.

Mr. Sunshine (ABC) –– Burnout.
83rd Annual Academy Awards (ABC) –– Franco Hathaway of making a fool of himself.
Any Human Heart (PBS) –– Bum ticker.
The Sunset Limited (HBO) –– Visibility.
Traffic Light (FOX) –– Stop!
The Chicago Code (FOX) –– Zip Code.
Kennedys’ Home Movies (TLC) –– Dead Kennedys.
Portlandia (COM) –– Oregon grinder.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (Starz) –– Pecs bad boy.
Onion News Network (COM) –– Pooper scoops.
Working Class (CMT) –– Stiffs.
Fairly Legal (USA) –– And lame.
Skins (MTV) –– P.U.berty.
Your Own Show: TV’s Next Star (OWN) –– DisOWN.

Harry’s Law (NBC) –– Jury doody.
Lights Out (FX) –– KOpectate.
Onion Sportsdome (COM) –– ESPeeiN'.
Off the Map (ABC) –– Jungle fevers.
Bob’s Burgers (FOX) –– The Slider House Rules.
Downton Abbey (PBS) –– A comedy of Manors.
The Cape (NBC) –– Of good dope.

Shameless (SHO) –– Yes, the producers are.
Episodes (SHO) –– Of dizziness.
Live to Dance (CBS) –– Bad trips.
Perfect Couples (NBC) –– Prickly pairs.
Million Dollar Money Drop (FOX) –– Looticrous.
Wishful Drinking (HBO) –– Slosh puppy.
Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys (Sundance) –– Who like junk.

Strange Days With Bob Saget (A&E) –– Full louse.
Storage Wars (A&E) –– Pack it in.
Fran Lebowitz in Public Speaking (HBO) –– Sneer sighted.
Glory Daze (TBS) –– School of crock.
Sherlock (PBS) –– Alimentary, my Dear Watson.
Lennon Naked (PBS) –– John, we hardly nude ye.
Sarah Palin’s Alaska (TLC) –– Wasilla puddy.

TOP

Moguls & Movie Stars: A History of Hollywood (TCM) –– Hollywood and swine.
The Walking Dead (AMC) –– The plod sickens.
Hollywood Treasure (Syfy) –– Trash collection.
First Life With David Attenborough (DIS) –– ¡Amoeba, Amoeba!
The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes! (Disney XD) –– Marvel louse.
Tower Prep (Cartoon Network) –– School for the daft.
Luther (BBC America) –– The biggest Luther.

Harry Loves Lisa (TVLand) –– Lip schlock.
School Pride (NBC) –– Classless.
No Ordinary Family (ABC) –– Super drooper.
Law & Order: Los Angeles (NBC) –– West coast offense.
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC) –– Culminating in this fuckup.
Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (COM) –– Wee-wee's playhouse.
Teach: Tony Danza (A&E) –– Danza in the dark.
Mike & Molly (CBS) –– Hot tubs.

The Promise: The Making of Darkness On The Edge of Town (HBO) –– You go, Boss!
The Whole Truth (ABC) –– The hole truth.
Better With You (ABC) –– Worse with me.
Detroit 1-8-7 (ABC) –– Detroit, Mishegoss.
Raising Hope (FOX) –– Despair ribs.
The Defenders (CBS) –– Indefensible.
Chase (NBC) –– Away.
Running Wilde (FOX) –– Not Oscar, exactly.
$#*! My Dad Says –– $#*! the networks sell us.
Outsourced (NBC) –– Job Sikhers.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO) — Atlantic seedy.
Outlaw (NBC) — Please do.
Hellcats (CW) — Cheer nonsense.
Nikita (CW) — Laugh femme.
Terriers FX) — Yappy.
Undercovers (NBC) –– Disguise the limit.
My Generation (ABC) –– Aughts to know better.
Blue Bloods (CBS) –– Canned heat.
Lone Star (FOX) –– I’d give it half that.
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) –– Book ‘em, dumbo.
The Event (NBC) –– Fleastyle.

62nd Primetime Emmy Awards (NBC) — Fallon on hard times.
If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise (HBO) — Spike leak.
The Spin Crowd (E!) — S'Pin heads.
Big Lake (COM) — Small puddle.
The Big C (SHO) — As in Crap.
18 to Life (CW) — This feels like that sentence.
Rubicon (AMC) — Cross it…off your list.
Plain Jane (CW) — Jane D'oh!
Masterchef (FOX) — Ramsey cluck.
Growing Up Twisted (A&E) — Dweeb Snider.
Breakthrough With Tony Robbins (NBC) — Self-helpless.

Covert Affairs (USA) — Muddling Agency.
The Glades (A&E) — Swamp gas.
Haven (Syfy) — Shelter skelter.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — Isles of Crapi.
Strange Sex (TLC) — Funny boned.
The Pillars of the Earth (Starz) — Unsupportable.
The Client List (Lifetime) — BJ hooker.
Fact or Faked: The Paranormal Files (Syfy) — Fuct.
Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (Bravo) — Magnum dopus.
The Bridge (CBS) — A suspension of disbelief.
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) — By deceit of their pants.
Boston Med (ABC) — Works like Thorazine.

Louie (FX) — def.: of or pertaining to the loo.
Rookie Blue (ABC) — Because he's in this.
Memphis Beat (TNT) — It.
Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — Due to menopause.
Huge (ABC Family) — Disappointment.
The Real L Word (SHO) — Lez pall.
The Gates (ABC) — A dead room community.
Scoundrels (ABC) — Rascals flat.

Losing It With Jillian (NBC) — The South bitch diet.
The Hard Times of RJ Berger (MTV) — Boner's arc.
Are We There Yet? (TBS) — Yes, basic cable in June.
Dad Camp (VH1) — Where are the boas, corsets and pumps?
The Good Guys (FOX) — Corn cops.

You Don't Know Jack (HBO) — Croaker Jack.
Romantically Challenged (ABC) — Comedically, too.
Sunset Daze (WE) — Senior winces.
Happy Town (ABC) — Village of the dumbed.
Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking (DISC) — Paralysis analysis.
The Special Relationship (HBO) — The twee amigos.

Treme (HBO) — Creole miss.
Fugitive Chronicles (A&E) — Let 'em go.
Miami Medical (CBS) — Gator aid.
Fly Girls (CW) — Crackpot stews.
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (ABC) — Revolting.
Ugly Americans (COM) — Another Kardashians spin-off?
Sons of Tucson (FOX) — Pop con.

The Marriage Ref (NBC) — Dry ump.
Kirstie Alley's Big Life (NBC) — Bloat show.
Minute to Win It (NBC) — Sloppy seconds.
Life (DISC) — Less.
Justified (FX) — Ragged right.
High Society (CW) — Low life.
The Pacific (HBO) — Twaddlecanal.
The Biggest Loser Families (NBC) — Tubby or not tubby.
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards (ABC) — The hurt looker.
Parenthood (NBC) — Hell-raisers.

For Love of Liberty (PBS) — Brothers in arms.
How to Make It in America (HBO) — Makes it all over your rug.
The Ricky Gervais Show (HBO) — I, toons.
NFL Full Contact (TruTV) — Illegal use of hams.
Superbowl XLIV (CBS) — Saints and sinkers.
Who Do You Think You Are? (NBC) — Someone who thinks this sucks.
Funny or Die (HBO) — Die.

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards (CBS) — Grammy cracker.
Emma (PBS) — Austen taxes.
Kell on Earth (Bravo) — Kell dommage!
The Deep End (ABC) — Of the puddle.
La La Land (SHO) — Troll La La.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz) — What's in his head.
Past Life (FOX) — Passed wind.
Undercover Boss (CBS) — Muddle management.

The 67th Golden Globe Awards (NBC) — Backslap molasses.
Life Unexpected (CW) — Predictable.
The Buried Life (MTV) — Not deep enough.
Paranormal Cops (A&E) — Why not a pair o' normal cops?
Fantasia for Real (VH1) — I prefer the toon.
Human Target (FOX) — He sells cheap housewares.

The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS) — They didn't know Jack.
One Big Happy Family (TLC) — Roly-polygamy.
The Jacksons: A Dynasty (A&E) — Of the inbred variety.
Yes, Virginia (CBS) — There is another shitty animated Christmas special.
Men of a Certain Age (TNT) — And acting ability.
The Sing-Off (NBC) — Key.

Steven Seagal Lawman (A&E) — The Sheriff of Rotten Ham.
Alice (Syfy) — Twaddle dum.
Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura (TruTV) — 'The Body' of evidence.
12 Men of Christmas (Lifetime) — Twelve dudes a-slumming.
The National Tree (Hallmark) — Spruce goose.
A Dog Named Christmas (CBS) — A dog named A Dog Named Christmas.
Find My Family (ABC) — Look in rehab.
Chef Academy (BRV) — Cookie cutter.
The Prisoner (AMC) — A clinker.

Lopez Tonight (TBS) — Caca Lopez.
The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX) — Small Wanda.
V (ABC) — D.
The League (FX) — Of extraordinary munge.
Poliwood (SHO) — Polidon't.
Fanboy and Chum Chum (NICK) — Less than chumming.

Monty Python: Almost the Truth (the Lawyer's Cut) (IFC) — Of Python Men.
The Jeff Dunham Show (COM) — Dummy or not dummy?
White Collar (USA) — Con dog.
Lock n' Load (SHO) — Gun wreck.
Discovering Ardi (Discovery) — The Ardi boys.
Leave it to Lamas (E!) — Either High or Dalai.

The Late Show (CBS) — David cop-a-feel.
Brick City (Sundance Channel) — Urban panners.
Sherri (Lifetime) — The bad Shepherd.
Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Lemon squeeze.
Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio) — Star Lite, Star Fright.
SGU Stargate Universe (SyFy) — SGU you.

Hank (CBS) — Arrant.
The Cleveland Show (FOX) — Blobby Brown.
The Middle (ABC) — Of nowhere.
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) — Spin-awful.
Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) — Incidentally no purpose.
Three Rivers (CBS) — The Ohio, the Allegheny and the Moron-go-heal-her.
The Dr. Oz Show (Syndicated) — Takes a Wiz.
Trauma (NBC) — To the cerebellum.
The National Parks (PBS) — Gorge Burns.

The Good Wife (CBS) — The Bad Show.
FlashForward (ABC) — FlushDownward.
Cougar Town (ABC) — Cox teaser.
Mercy (NBC) — Please, make it stop!
The Forgotten (ABC) — Should be recalled.
Eastwick (ABC) — Evil connival.
Modern Family (ABC) — Happy as a clan.
Brothers (FOX) — Bloods and crimps.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC) — Jay-Zzzzz.
Bored to Death (HBO) — Or to a catatonic stupor, at least.
Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime) — A smearjerker.
Community (NBC) — Service.
Archer (FX) — High-strung.
The Beautiful Life (CW) — Pretty ugly.
Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke (VH1) — And achieving it.
The Vampire Diaries (CW) — The Joy Suck Club.

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E. Basil St. Blaise