LuckThe End is Nigher: 2012 DOOMSDAY PLANNER
Visit the website 2012 Doomsday Planner for more on our hilarious makeover of the Mayan calendar and to get the latest predictions of doom. You can purchase a copy with our links to Amazon.com located to your right. Also available from Barnes & Noble.com in the Standard Edition or Deluxe Full-Color Edition.
Deadlines: BUSH AND BULL
As we enter into the final nine months of the 2012 Campaign and prepare to face a decision that we will have to live with for at least four more years, this is your chance to reflect on the consequences of the fateful votes that gave us the glory days of the Bush Administration. Here is all the majesty, misunderestimation and mayhem in 41 lavishly-illustrated pages. May they be a lesson unto you. Flashback, if you will, to The Bush Century.
Deadlines: ISSUE IS OR ISSUE AIN'T
As all forms of printed matter struggle for their inky existence, certain fashion-oriented lifestyle magazines have flourished. According to Women's Wear Daily, insipid InStyle boasted the most ad pages of any fashion title over the past six months with 1,156 pages, a 4.7 percent increase over last year. Hoping to duplicate that success, publishers are launching new niche mags designed to snag celebrity-conscious readers. See all four in Deadlines.
Bad Adss: FREEZE ELECTIONS
Before the cold, hard reality of the 2012 Presidential race sinks in, there's plenty of time for pollsters, straw votes and caucuses, and all the hoopla and hoodoo that surround them. We have some frozen-in-time treats that the fickle Republican voters might like to suck on as they slog through the long, not-so-hot Primary Season. You scream, I scream, we all scream for the latest Flavor of the Week in a way-cool new spot in Bad Adss.
Gertrude's Follies: NOTHING SUCKS LIKE A HOOVER
J. Edgar, Clint Eastwood's latest Oscar bait, is a tepid version of the tyrranical FBI Director's life starring a latex-laden Leonardo DiCaprio. It regrettably skirts around Hoover's purported tranvestitism, and fails to probe deeply enough into his long-term relationship with Clyde Tolson. To get the dirty lowdown, spy the sordid case studies from our favorite double agents of belles-lettres, Gert & Alice, in installments #29 and #30 of Gertrude's Follies.
Headliners: MFin' DRIVERS!
Former Goldman Sachs CEO and New Jersey Senator Jon Corzine has stepped down as chief executive of Mother Fucker Global (MFGLQ.) As the Governor of the Garden State he is best remembered for slamming into a guardrail at 90 miles per hour, and for standing by as the state's economy metaphorically did the same. Now the world is rubbernecking at the scene of the mangled wreckage of MF Global… More Headliners
Headliners: CAIN SUGARS
Republican frontrunner Herman Cain's campaign has been manhandled by charges of sexual harassment that date back to his days as president of the National Restaurant Association. Though an average voter might be more shocked by the fact that he is the Republican frontrunner, or that the NRA that he led, was not the National Rifle Association, Cain has been left groping for answers to the accusations. More Headliners
What Not: SNAP JUDGMENTS
Nothing is more chilling on All Hallow's Eve than turning the lights down low, curling up on one's couch, ignoring the incessant buzzing, squealing and rapping at the front door (and the occasional splat of egg against shutter), and firing up the DVR for a fest of previously-recorded horror classics. Hopefully you were able to capture the entire torture porn series The Deadliest Debate, starring scream stars Perry, Romney, Cain, Bachmann, et al. Thrill anew to The Aiddems Family.
Deadlines: BUMMER STICKERS 2012
Rick Perry's might appear on the backside of a Dodge Ram with a gun rack, and Mitt Romney's might adorn the steely rump of a Suburban. Herman Cain's might sit on the dinked bumper of a Kia Soul pizza delivery car, and Michelle Bachmann's might appear proudly above her husband Marcus' loose tail pipe. Look for Rick Santorum's on a Humvee with revoked license plates, and Barack Obama's on a Toyota hybrid next to the Free Tibet bumper sticker. Wherever you might slap them on, please to enjoy a selection of Bummer Stickers 2012.
Kozmic Pictures: HOCUS POTUS
In honor of our two most terrifying National Holidays –– Halloween and Election Day –– comes the release of the second volume of putrefactive presidential classics in a Collector's Edition DVD set. Extend your quavering finger towards the gnarled lever in the coffin-shaped voting booth and elect to view these cadaverous candidates. Cast your vile vote to reanimate these corrosive Commanders-in-Chief. Kozmic Pictures Proudly Presents