TWIN CITIES, MN –– McCain campaign operatives are privately gloating over the media maelstrom whipped up by their candidate's selection of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate. "The free publicity is virtually Lohanesque," smirked strategist Charlie Black, "and the elitists in the press don't get it, as usual. Every aspect of this nomination process was carried out with the tactical precision one would expect from an American war hero like John McCain who was shot down over Vietnam. There was one, and only one crucial goal –– the energizing of our base…and the appealing to Hillary Democrats. And the adding of some sex appeal."

Some critics have suggested it would take multiple defibrillators and a boatload of crystal meth to energize the ultra-conservative Republican base that the McCainaanites covet –– those who have thus far exhibited stubborn wariness towards the maverick 72-year-old whippersnapper, but the Arizonan's team feels certain that Ms. Palin, the Thrilla from Wasilla, will warm their fluttering hearts. Some critics have wondered how the revelations that Ms. Palin's unwed 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, that she was involved with the Alaskan Independence Party which advocated secession from the Lower 48, that she is being investigated for abuse of power over the firing of a public safety commissioner who refused to execute a family vendetta, and that her husband was once arrested for drunk driving might appeal to so-called values voters, unless what those voters value is TMZ.

Now a secret memo produced by McCain's AmVets squad that was ramrodded by Washington lawyer Arthur Culvahouse to thoroughly investigate the backed Alaskan's history and credentials has been leaked to the media, and it seems to support their contention that they were fully aware of potential pitfalls, but still envisioned a campaign trail Gold Rush. The memo lists some of Ms. Palin's strategic strengths as:

1) Con Christians will love that she supports her daughter having the baby and will force redneck b-friend to wed. Need pix of Bristol barefoot in front of stove. (Can she be induced and give birth in Bethlehem, PA stable the Sunday before Election Day?)
2) Smokin' hot! Appearance along with Mrs. McC and Laura B. at Convention will so outshine DNC's Denver duds, Michelle, Hillary and Biden's old lady. Style tips: drop "egghead" glasses and try low-cut camo camis.
3) Ignored medical tests for Down's Syndrome in her own child –- blind faith huge plus on Iraq War and global warming.
4) As Wasilla Mayor tried to ban books at library and advocated creationism –– makes McC look genius.
5) Husband's DUI –– worked for W, should've been her. (Note: check if she ever pulled a Laura B. and ran down ex.)
6) Kills moose, skins w/own hands, washes down w/Mrs. McC's beer! NRA will go off full-cocked!
7) Supported her own mother-in-law's rival in a mayoral election because she was soft on abortion –– sweet! –– but can we say she considered turning in her parents for letting her smoke weed?
8) Stood up to Big Oil –– nobody's perfect.

The memo includes some talking points to empoly with adversarial journalists that will "have the bloggers blowing their tubes", including: a) Alaska borders Russia and there's never been an invasion on her watch. b) She has more ovaries than Obama and Biden combined. c) You like salmon? Crab? Herring? Then don't piss Alaska off. d) We support our vets, not vetting. e) She's a MILF now, but after the grandkid, we're talking GILF.

09/03/08