September 4, 2010

Deadlines: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A TEABAGGER?

We know you're probably smarter than a fifth grader and you're likely less obtuse than the denizens of The Jersey Shore. If you've watched your fair share of game shows and reality programs you've had the opportunity to measure your intellect against a wide range of the world's lower life forms. Now we've devised a potentially more humiliating exercise for you –– a quiz that will allow you to match wits, half or whole, with those beknighted bipeds who reject evolution –– just as evolution has so obviously rejected them. Trash the dictionary, skip Wikipedia, and tie your brain behind your neck, and see if you still can't outthink a Tea Party Patriot in the new Deadlines.

Headliners: OLYMPIA SNOW

Vast expanses of whiteness. And politeness. Glacial tedium. Rocky Mounties. Liberteh, egaliteh, mediocriteh. The 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver have come to epitomize everything the world treasures about Canada. The hapless hosts have good-naturedly played global hoser from the charmingly gimcrack opening ceremony with its stalled hydraulics to the dogged deference towards their obnoxious neighbors to the south in declining the shiniest medals.
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Kozmic Pictures: HOCUS POTUS

In honor of our two most terrifying National Holidays –– Halloween and Election Day –– comes the release of the second volume of putrefactive presidential classics in a Collector's Edition DVD set. Extend your quavering finger towards the gnarled lever in the coffin-shaped voting booth and elect to view these cadaverous candidates –– a ravenous bloodsucker who refused to be impeached, his mindless minion who would forgive a heinous crime, a disfigured madman with lust in his heart and a rictus grin on his evil face, and the shocking mesmeric horror we all face today. So cast your vile vote to reanimate these corrosive Commanders-in-Chief in Kozmic Pictures Proudly Presents.

What Not: VENI, V-DAY, VICI

The Valentines Directorate (VD) has listed its top ten male lovers for the year dating from February 14, 2009. "It was a neck-and-necking competition this annum," commented VD chief Romeo L'Amour, "without a hicky's-breadth of separation between the top smoochers and the also-pecks."

Unsurprisingly, the top vote getter was Tiger Woods, a "veritable martyr to passion", per L'Amour, "a man whose first name screams animal sex drive and whose surname suggests he's got the extremely stiff clubs in his bag to back it up." More What Not.

STRIP MALL
U.S.A.: HERO TOLERANCE

Read the first chapter in the brand new strip featuring the super exploits of America's premier heroes. They are our nation's fantastic forefathers and political powerhouses –– our Watchmen, X-Men, and Doom Patrol who, faster than a speeding ballot, leap tall bills in a single bond. In this introductory installment thrill to the hidden history of these potent POTUSes and their stalwart sidekicks who serve and protect the U.S.A.

Gertrude's Follies: COPY CATS AND DOGS

Read the latest chapter in the saga of Gertrude Stein, Alice B. Toklas, Pabs Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Bucket the Poodle, and all the dizzy denizens of the Parisian demimonde in Gertrude's Follies #40. In this chapter Gert asks Alice to have her manuscript Xeroxed while Bucket squats to conquer.

Igor Trips: TROOP MOVEMENTS

March on over to the third installment of the animated strip based on the singular visions of renowned cartoonist and illustrator, Igor Kopelnitsky. In this war-torn episode, we learn the fortune of soldiers gone missing in action. Pack an extra pair of socks in your backpack and cinch up your helmet to protect the old gray matter when you embark on sortie number three of Igor Trips.

Feggorama: GET CARTER

Remove the tongue depressor and have a healthy laugh at this therapeutic collection of gag cartoons. Visit the genuinely wild kingdom of Felipe Galindo, Mexico's master of the mirthful menagerie, as he folds whimsy into hilarity with just a hint of satire for a delightful confection of rip-snorting yuk-bombs that are as elegant as this introduction is tortured. Ecce Feggorama.

Petty Arcade: SECRETARY OF MISSTATE

Madame Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is facing a Scrabble-board's-worth of jumbled consonants and too few vowels as she embarks on her missions around the globe. Her predecessor, Condolleezza (talk about too many consonants) Rice, bequeathed her the Rebush playbook so that she might avoid the awkward stares that often greeted the Bushites as they ventured abroad. Wrap your lips around the first Hillarebus in the Petty Arcade.
CINEMA

New This Week
Machete — Mex pain.
The American — Idle.
Going the Distance — From bad to worse.
Mesrine: L'ennemi Public No 1 — French dip.
Last Train Home — Fu Man Choo Choo.
The Winning Season — The trouble with dribbles.
White Wedding — Mixed reception.
My Dog Tulip — Ruff trade.
The Big Uneasy — Shearer idiocy.
Our Beloved Month of August — Hazy, hot and stupid.
A Woman, a Gun and a Noodle Shop — Chow funk.
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TELEVISION
62nd Primetime Emmy Awards (NBC) — Fallon on hard times.
If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise (HBO) — Spike leak.
The Spin Crowd (E!) — S'Pin heads.
Big Lake (COM) — Small puddle.
The Big C (SHO) — As in Crap.
18 to Life (CW) — This feels like that sentence.
Rubicon (AMC) — Cross it…off your list.
Plain Jane (CW) — Jane D'oh.
Masterchef (FOX) — Ramsey cluck.
Growing Up Twisted (A&E) — Dweeb Snider.
Breakthrough With Tony Robbins (NBC) — Self-helpless.
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THEATRE
Enron — Skilling time.
Promises, Promises — Lemon pledge.
Fences – Don't picket.
Sondheim on Sondheim — The D'oh of Steve.
The Addams Family — Grisly Addams.
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MUSIC
Recovery / Eminem — Fecal Mathers.
Can't be Tamed / Miley Cyrus — Or paper trained.
Scream / Ozzy Osbourne — Ozzyfied.
Mojo / Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers — Petty poison.
Thank Me Later / Drake — For telling you to avoid this now.
Laws of Illusion / Sarah McLachlan — Mirage license.
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LITERATURE
Fiction
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith — Lincoln slog.
Worst Case by James Patterson — Agreed.
The Postmistress by Sarah Blake — Blubber stamp.
Big Girl by Danielle Steel — Stuffed tomato.
Angelology by Danielle Trussoni — Seraphimbecilic.
House Rules by Jodi Picoult — Asperger's with cheese.
Non-Fiction
A Journey by Tony Blair — Blair of the White Worm.
The Bridge by David Remnick — To nowhere.
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler — Chelsea fellately.
Courage and Consequence by Karl Rove — And other words he can't define.
No Apology: The Case for American Greatness by Mitt Romney — Sorry.
Change Your Brain, Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen — Change your BVDs.
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