CINEMA

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The Internship –– Google asses.
The Purge –– Emetic.
Much Ado About Nothing –– Nothing doo dooing.
Wish You Were Here –– To share the pain.
Violet & Daisy –– Teeny boppers.
Syrup –– Sticky.
Finding Joy –– Joy cluck lub.
Rapture-Palooza –– End of daze.
Dirty Wars –– And drawers.
You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet! –– If you’ve seen this.
The Prey –– Hell ‘n’ hunt.
Tiger Eyes –– Kitten caboodle.
As Cool As I Am –– The ice have it.
The Rambler –– A fouler roamer.
London The Modern Babylon –– London crawling.

After Earth –– Like father, don't like son.
Now You See Me –– Depressed-o change-o!
The Kings of Summer –– Sweat pans.
The East –– East meets waste.
The History of Future Folk –– ET brutal?
Shadow Dancer –– Froth IRA.
The Wall –– Wall done.
Triumph of the Wall –– Brick bats.
American Mary –– Mary J. Bilge.
Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan –– Chop slop.
From the Head –– Flushed with pride.
Hannah Arendt –– The evil of banality.
The Hangover Part III –– Wolfpack it in.
Fast & Furious 6 –– Skidder-ma-rinky-dink.
Epic – Fail.
Before Midnight –– Late-night slack.
We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks –– Leak soup.
Fill the Void –– With caulk.
Alyce Kills –– Brain cells.
A Green Story –– It’s fungus.
Penguins 3D –– Beak deal.
Nancy, Please –– Turn it off!
3 Geezers –– Toothless.
Plimpton! Starring George Plimpton as Himself –– George tack-ay.
Star Trek Into Darkness –– Khan game.
Frances Ha –– Laughable.
Erased –– From my memory.
The English Teacher –– Death sentences.
Black Rock –– Blah crock.
Pieta –– Tear.
Populaire –– Not with sentient life forms.
33 Postcards –– Wish you weren't here.
Augustine –– Ach du lieber!
State 194 –– State of hysteria.
Elemental –– Excremental.
The Great Gatsby –– Effed Scott Fitzgerald.
Peeples –– Wee, the Peeples.
Aftershock –– Tremortized.
Sightseers –– Tour de farce.
Assault On Wall Street –– Bull shit.
Stories We Tell –– Polleyannaish.
The Painting –– Sketchy.
No One Lives –– Like this.
Java Heat –– Disabled Java script.
Venus and Serena –– Ace relations.
And Now a Word From Our Sponsor –– Pitch fuck.
White Frog –– Croak zero.
Go Goa Gone –– Goa way.
The Source Family –– Canker Source.
Iron Man 3 –– Ferrous dueller.
The Ice Man –– Bummeth.
What Maisie Knew –– A Maisie divorce.
Kiss of the Damned –– Vampire weakened.
You Will Be My Son –– Foul heir.
Greetings From Tim Buckley –– High pitch.
Generation Um… –– Generation Dum…
Something in the Air –– You can smell it.
Free the Mind –– A no-brainier.
The Happy House –– Bad & Breakfast.
Caroline and Jackie –– Sis who?
Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf’s –– You can’t keep a Goodman down.
Post Tenebras Lux –– Lotsa’ Lux.
Pain & Gain –– Hammy roids.
The Big Wedding –– Union buster.
Mud –– In your eye.
Kon Tiki –– Rift raft.
The Reluctant Fundamentalist –– Radical I slam.
At Any Price –– I wouldn’t see it.
The Numbers Station –– Down for the count.
Love Is All You Need –– How about a decent script?
Midnight’s Children –– Rushdie hour.
Arthur Newman –– Love at Firth sight.
An Oversimplification of Her Beauty –– An underestimation of our intelligence.
Tai Chi Hero –– Tai chi feely.
Paradise: Lost –– So’s the director.
Sun Don’t Shine –– Where this is stuck.
Graceland –– Abduct tape.
Mortem –– Bordem.
One Night Stand –– Causal sex.
King’s Faith –– Lord of the manna.
Oblivion –– Rush limbo.
The Lords of Salem –– Salem’s slop.
In the House –– Maison, dicks in.
Home Run –– Baseless.
Errors of the Human Body –– And mind.
Pawn –– Torture Pawn.
Herman’s House -– Hokey pokey.
Ain’t In It for My Health: A Film About Levon Helm –– The Band of bothers.
Love Sick Love –– Germs of endearment.
Unmade in China –– Chinese chuckers.
42 –– Blackball.
Scary Movie V –– Horror duh har har.
To the Wonder –– Windy Malick.
Disconnect –– Plug and pray.
The Angels’ Share –– A loft.
Antiviral –– Bring Purell.
It’s A Disaster –– A hazardous waste.
Paris-Manhattan –– Woody ailin'.
Into the White –– Unlike the Kardashians.
Revolution –– Spins its wheels.
The Revolutionary –– Boned China.
This Ain’t California –– Cali ripper.
American Meat –– Pack it in.
The Company You Keep –– Flee radicals.
Evil Dead –– Gore exercises.
Trance –– Incedental.
Jurassic Park: An IMAX 3D Experience –– Tyranno-sore-ass Rex.
Upstream Color –– Yellow.
The Brass Teapot –– Whistle blower.
Simon Killer –– Simple Simon.
The Story of Luke –– Lacks autistic merit.
Thale –– Rummage Thale.
Tattoo Nation –– Inker dinker doo.
Lucky Bastard –– You’ll never see this.
Tomorrow You’re Gone –– Heel today, gone tomorrow.
Down the Shore –– Jersey cow.
Lotus Eaters –– Pleasure crews.
Andre Gregory: Before and After Dinner –– Gregory peckish.
Stevie Nicks: In Your Dreams –– Stevie nix.
Stitches –– What it kept me in.
The Host –– Meyers lemon.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation –– Joe sics pack.
Temptation –– To guffaw.
The Place Beyond the Pines –– Pines-sized.
Room 237 –– Third degree redrum.
Blancanieves –– Snow What?
Wrong –– Right.
Mental –– Breakdown.
Family Weekend –– Gag daughter.
Renoir –– Two of a père.
Violeta Went to Heaven –– Hell no.
Detour –– Slo.
Triumph of the Wall –– Mortar bored.
The Croods –– Caves.
Admission –– Not worth the price of.
Olympus Has Fallen –– And can’t get up.
InAPPropriate Comedy –– UnAPPealing.
The Sapphires –– Aboriginal sin.
Love and Honor –– GI bull.
Starbuck –– Sperm wail.
My Brother the Devil –– Hell boy.
Finding Joy –– My comical romance.
Hunky Dory –– Funky snory.
Gimme the Loot –– And a break.
Come Out and Play –– In drag!
A Resurrection –– Razed from the dead.
Dorfman in Love –– Shot putz.
Eden –– Crush.
The Happy Poet –– Bard vibes.
Le Pont du Nord –– Le Pont of no return.
TOP

OSCAR HAMMERSWINE 2013

Best Picture Nominees:

Amour –– Or less.
Argo –– Naught.
Beasts of the Southern Wild –– New Orleans jazz.
Django Unchained –– Unchained malady.
Les Misérables –– Lame is.
Life of Pi –– Lemon Pi.
Lincoln –– Logorrhea.
Silver Linings Playbook –– Manic Cooper.
Zero Dark Thirty –– Bin Laden-di-da.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone –– Slight. Off-hand.
The Call –– Put on hold.
Spring Breakers –– New bile.
Upside Down –– Topsy turkey.
Welcome to the Punch –– Drunk.
From Up on Poppy Hill –– Poppycock.
K-11 –– K-rap.
Reality –– Bites.
My Amityville Horror –– My Own Private Horrorshow.
Reincarnated –– Snoop lyin’.
Mindless Behavior Lose Your Mind –– Your choice.
Vanishing Waves –– Curl postponed.
Old Goats –– Just goats to show you.
The Kitchen –– Table.

Oz the Great and Powerful –– Baum to fail.
Dead Man Down –– Bury gaudy.
The ABCs of Death –– That’s all, she rote.
Emperor –– Hiroheeheeto.
Electrick Children –– A turnoff.
The Monk –– Oh, brother!
The We and the I –– The wee in the eye.
Beyond the Hills –– Not so inclined.
The Silence –– –––––!
Somebody Up There Likes Me -– Somebody up there is lying.
Don’t Stop Believin’: Everyman’s Journey –– Just stop singin'.
Greedy Lying Bastards –– Or The Producers.
The Girl –– Can’t help it.
Jack the Giant Slayer –– Beans dork.
21 and Over –– Buzzedcocks.
The Last Exorcism Part II –– The devil take it up the hindmost.
Phantom –– Menace.
Stoker –– Uncle creepy.
War Witch –– Chick, a boom.
Ginger & Rosa –– Teen bedding.
The Sweeney –– Tard.
The End of Love –– A jeerjerker.
A Place at the Table –– The hunger games.
Leviathan –– Mopy dick.
Molly’s Theory of Relativity –– Einstein she ain’t.
Hava Nagila: The Movie –– A hora film.
White T –– Not tidy.
Snitch –– Stoolie noted.
Dark Skies –– U Eff Hole.
Bless Me, Ultima –– Nothing to sneeze at.
Inescapable –– I didn't get off.
11 Flowers –– Petal to the meddle.
Rubberneck –– Because it’s a car wreck.
Red Flag –– Heads-up. Their asses.
Stand Off –– Eye to ay yay yay!
Future Weather –– A topical depression.
A Good Day To Die Hard –– Die hardy har har.
Beautiful Creatures –– Broad casters.
Safe Haven –– Shelter skelter.
Escape From Planet Earth 3D –– Space lam.
No –– Way.
Like Someone in Love –– With triviality.
Saving Lincoln –– Start with the one in your pocket.
The Power of Few –– Pheww!
The Package –– Is empty.
The Bitter Buddha –– Buddha nut. Squash.
The Berlin File –– Zip File.
The Jeffrey Dahmer Files –– I remember Dahmer.
Identity Thief –– ID, ID, ho.
Side Effects –– Mostly nausea.
Caesar Must Die –– Ehh, too.
The Sorcerer and the White Snake –– You’d think he could take a hair band.
A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III –– A glance half empty.
Lore –– Criminal Lore.
The Playroom –– Kid wreck.
Ferlinghetti: A Rebirth of Wonder –– Beatroot.
Top Gun: An IMAX 3D Experience –– Jet lag.
Warm Bodies –– Blow off corpse.
Bullet to the Head –– In one ear, out the other.
Stand Up Guys –– No, sit down.
The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia –– Georgia dreck.
The Gatekeepers –– Shin Bet noir.
Sound City –– Tracks star.
Girls Against Boys –– Battle of the bilge.
As Luck Would Have It –– The projector worked!
The Last Gladiators –– Hockey pukes.
Mumia: Long Distance Revolutionary –– Mumia dearest.
Koch –– DeadEd.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters –– Witchcrapt.
Movie 43 –– Boor wars.
Parker –– Pussy.
John Dies at the End –– Of embarrassment.
Noobz –– For boobz.
Happy People: A Year in the Taiga –– Taiga beat.
Yossi –– Chaimosexuals.
Supporting Characters –– Support hosed.
Resolution –– 0 dpi.
Knife Fight –– Slitheads.
The Taste of Money –– Cabbagey.
The Last Stand –– Snooze Stand.
Broken City –– Urban dick, eh?
Mama –– Crass idiot.
LUV –– A duck.
Hors Satan –– Hors of a different color.
Himizu –– Manga management.
Guilty of Romance –– In the turd degree.
Here and There –– Random louse.

Gangster Squad –– Gangnumb style.
A Haunted House –– Shit-level.
Storage 24 –– Cache poor.
Struck By Lightning –– Nuts and bolts.
$ellebrity –– Pooperazzi.
The Baytown Outlaws –– Killer delete.
Horrid Henry: The Movie –– A Horrid day’s night.
In Another Country –– Korea de coeur.
I Am Not a Hipster –– Nor an actor.
The Helpers –– Aides awareness.
Let My People Go –– No, keep them home.
Officer Down –– This would depress anyone.
Uprising –– It’s lunch.
My Best Enemy –– Made me watch this.

Texas Chainsaw 3D –– Leatherfarce.
A Dark Truth –– Not dark enough -- I could see it.
56 Up –– Middle age spreads.
Vs –– From bad to Vs.
A Bottle in the Gaza Sea –– Gaza’s drip.
Crawlspace –– Crawling to the wreckage.
My Brooklyn –– Borough hell.

Cinema
Cinema 2012
Cinema 2011
CInema 2010
Cinema 2009
Cinema 2008
Cinema 2007
Cinema 2006
Cinema 2005
Television
Theatre
Music
Literature

E. Basil St. Blaise