THEATRE

Testament of Mary –– Sweet Mother of God!
The Assembled Parties –– Gabby haze.

Macbeth –– Cumming to naught.
Orphans –– Hostage la vista.
Jekyll & Hyde –– On the schiz.
Talley's Folly –– Talley whacker.
The Big Knife –– Dull.
The Nance –– Swish cheese.
Motown: The Musical –– Ain't nothing like the real thing.
Matilda –– Rag Dahl.
Kinky Boots –– Shodden freude.
Lucky Guy –– He's not alive to see this.

Hands on a Hardbody –– Pickup shticks.
Breakfast at Tiffany's –– Hardly goes lightly.
Ann –– A game of Texas hokum.
Cinderella –– Slipper sucks.
Barry Manilow on Broadway –– He writes the songs that make the whole world stink.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof –– Pussyfoots.
Picnic –– Bastard.
Glengarry Glen Ross –– Sales slip.
Golden Boy –– Bouts of depression.
The Killing of Sister George –– Dyke Turner.

The Anarchist –– Mametic.
Dead Accounts –– Accounts deceivable.
A Christmas Story –– Jingle bell rot.
The Piano Lesson –– Black keys.
Giant –– Texas toast.
Scandalous –– Aimless, simple Mcpherson.
The Performers –– Eros con pollo.
The Mystery of Edwin Drood –– Drood and crude.
Ivanov –– I've enough.
Annie –– Haul.
Elf –– U-C-K.
The Heiress –– Inherit the windy.
An Enemy of the People –– An enema of the people.
Grace –– Holy unoriginal.
Cyrano de Bergerac –– Nose doze.
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? –– Albee damned.
Chaplin –– Stupor tramp.
Bring It On –– Cheer idiocy.
Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth –– Champ in on the bit.
Old Jews Telling Jokes –– Schmuckers jam.
One Man, Two Guvnors –– Go for bloke.
Zarkana –– Dreck Zarkana.
Potted Potter –– Harry lame.
Harvey –– Densest hopper.
Leap of Faith –– Faith-debased.
Nice Work if You Can Get It ––You can't get it if you try.
End of the Rainbow –– Sweet Judy blue pills.
Jesus Christ Superstar –– Lord & Failer.
Evita –– Tango and kitsch.
Peter and the Starcatcher –– Panful.
Don't Dress for Dinner –– Farce gump.
The Columnist –– All sop.
Ghost the Musical –– Wraith relations.
The Lyons –– Done.
A Streetcar Named Desire –– Less than Stella.
Clybourne Park –– Blackbuster.
The Best Man –– Was not available.
Newsies –– Ink-stained retches.
Once –– Is too much.
Death of a Salesman –– Miller lite.
Carrie –– On and on and on.
Shatner’s World: We Just Live In It ..., –– All Kirk and no play.
Wit –– Chemo sobby.
The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess –– It ain't necessarily so good.
On a Clear Day You Can See Forever –– 21 on Broadway between 45th and 46th.
Lysistrata Jones –– Jocks strapped.
Stick Fly –– With pin.
Bonnie & Clyde –– For crime out loud.
An Evening with Patti Lupone and Mandy Patinkin –– Cooked hams.
Seminar –– Low class.
Private Lives –– Repartedium.
Hugh Jackman Back on Broadway –– Huge ack!, man.
Venus in Furs –– Mink devil.
Godspell –– JC puny.
Other Desert Cities –– Arid, extra dry.
Relatively Speaking –– Three-doh'd sloth.
Chinglish –– Rice relations.
Mountaintop –– King tut-tut.
Man and Boy –– Terence rat, again.
War Horse –– Whinny the poo.
Follies –– Déjà revue.
Hair –– Dies.
Anything Goes –– Cold Porter.
Master Class –– Callas. Disregard.
Baby It's You! –– Shreik the Musical.
The House of Blue Leaves –– Eats Shits & Leaves.
Born Yesterday — Borin' today.
Jerusalem — Junky monkey.
Wonderland — Wonderwhy.
The Normal Heart –– AIDS de camp.
High — Bye!
The Motherfucker With the Hat –– Handicapped.
Catch Me if You Can –– Before I close.
Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo –– Bungle Tiger.
Ghetto Klown –– Ghettoutahere!
The Other Place – Not heaven.
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying – Really trying.
Priscilla Queen of the Desert – Oz kissers.
Acadia – Brainy yak.
That Championship Season –– Winning, in the Charlie Sheen sense.
Driving Miss Daisy – Black seat driver.
Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark – Turnoff: the dork.
The Importance of Being Earnest – Scared stupid.
Donny & Marie: A Broadway Christmas – A little bit country, a little bit vomit in your mouth.
Elling –– Illing.
A Free Man of Color –– Guare and tear.
The Merchant of Venice –– A pound of flash.
Elf – Noel coward.
The Pee-wee Herman Show – Pee-wheeze.
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown — Hysterical data.
The Scottsboro Boys — The minstrel cycle.
Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles — A really hard day's night.
Lombardi — Vince fawn.
La Bête — Not a sure Bête.
Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson — Old Hickory shtick.
A Life in the Theatre — Staid troupers.
Brief Encounter — De-Brief.
Mrs. Warren's Profession — George Bernard's whore.
The Pitmen Painters — Art miner.
Enron — Skilling time.
Promises, Promises — Lemon pledge.
Fences – Don't picket.
Sondheim on Sondheim — The D'oh of Steve.
The Addams Family — Grisly Addams.
Million Dollar Quartet — Four play.
Come Fly Away — Crank Sinatra.
All About Me — Skitsophrenic.
Next Fall — Season of the swish.
When the Rain Stops Falling — All wet.
A Behanding in Spokane — Clap trap.
The Miracle Worker — Deaf, dumb and bland.
Time Stands Still — Like in a morgue.
A View From the Bridge — Of Scarlett Johansson's abutment.
Present Laughter — Past tense.
A Little Night Music — Swede and lowdown.
Race — Coarse.
Fela! — Failure!
In the Next Room or the vibrator play — Is it meant to be taken clitorally?
Finian's Rainbow — From bad to erse.
Brighton Beach Memoirs — The kishka death (Closed in 1 week.)
After Miss Julie — No, miss Julie before.
Bye Bye Birdie — Ciao, hound.
Oleanna — Holy Hannah!
Let Me Down Easy — OK, um, it's not your worst solo show.
The Royal Family — Barrymore or less.
Broke-ology — Beyond repair.
An Evening Without Monty Python — Or laughs.
Hamlet — Jude lost.
Wishful Drinking — Carrie on baggage.
A Steady Rain — Delugional.
Burn the Floor — The sets and the costumes.
Next to Normal — Mood swing music.
Mary Stuart — Queen of snots.
9 to 5 — Drudge report.
Waiting for Godot — Kicks the Beckett.
The Norman Conquests — Three dog nights.
Joe Turner Has Come and Gone — Black out.
Rock of Ages — Gyps some.
reasons to be pretty — Shake your beauty.
Ireana's Vow — Sworn out.
Hair — Retro racket.
Exit the King — Acid reign.
Impressionism — Pointiless.
West Side Story — Jets lag.
Blithe Spirit — Blight spirit.
33 Variations — On one note.
Guys and Dolls — Runyon on empty.
Ruined — Like my evening.
You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush — Ferrell dog.
Hedda Gabler — Ibsen flows.
The American Plan — Catskills set.
Becky Shaw — Shaw shot.
The Cherry Orchard — Full of pits.
Pal Joey — Pale joy.
Shrek — A foul ogre.
Liza's at the Palace… — And the queen's amused.
Prayer for My Enemy — He should see this twice.
Home — Run.
Irving Berlin's White Christmas — Der Bingle jells.

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E. Basil St. Blaise

 

TONY SLOPRANO 2012

Best Musical: Once –– Is too much.
Best Drama: Clybourne Park — Blackbuster.

TONY BENIGHT 2011

Best Musical: The Book of Mormon – Mormon baits.
Best Drama: War Horse — Filly stank.

TONY LOCO 2010

Best Musical: Memphis— Grislys.
Best Drama: Red — Bull.

TONY DINGY 2009

Best Musical: Billy Elliot — Tinny dancer.
Best Drama: Gods of Carnage — Fret couples.

TONY BLARE 2008

Best Musical: In the Heights – Lemon merengue.
Best Drama: August: Osage County – Okie dookie.

TONY DEAF 2007

Best Musical: Spring Awakening – Fall Asleeping.
Best Drama: The Coast of Utopia – Like a sentence to Siberia.

TONY BALONEY 2006

Best Musical: Jersey Boys – For Valli girls.
Best Drama: The History Boys – Fizz Ed.

Dividing the Estate — Kick the clan.
The Radio City Christmas Spectacular — Snow good.
American Buffalo — Nickel and damned.
Speed the Plow — The intersection of Hollywood and swine.
All My Sons — Including Moe and Curly.
To Be or Not To Be — To see or not to see? Nazi.
A Man for All Seasons — No laughing martyr.
The Seagull — Chekhov your list.
Equus — Harry peter.
A Tale of Two Cities — Singing in the Reign of Terror.

The Tempest — Tempest fudge it.
Buffalo Gal — Wading in the wings.
[title of show] — Blankety blank.
Kicking a Dead Horse — Nag, nag, nag.
Damn Yankees — Soul pitch.
The Bacchae — Thick as Thebes.
Cirque Dreams Jungle Fantasy — Cirque de So Gay.
Saved — Irredeemable.
Top Girls — Churchill downs.
Glory Days — Make that day. (Closed after 1 perf.)
Boeing Boeing — Stewpid.
Thurgood — The bad and the ugly.
Cry-Baby — Bawl boy.
A Catered Affair — All-you-can-stomach.
Macbeth — Bard stiff.
South Pacific — Bali low.
Gypsy — Rose leech.
Adding Machine — Does not compute.
Jackie Mason: The Ultimate Jew — The Katz meow.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof — Limp Brick.

Passing Strange — And it stings down there, too.
Sunday in the Park with George — Que Seurat, Seurat.
Crimes of the Heart — Ms.demeanors.
Jerry Springer: The Opera — Scuzzy fan tutte.
Come Back, Little Sheba — This dog returns.
November — Poli Sigh.
Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps — Whodumbedit?
The Seafarer — Not worth its salt.
The Little Mermaid — Flounders.

The Homecoming – Pinter tale on the wonky.
The Farnsworth Invention – TV guyed.
The Fantasticks – Fantastinks.
Is He Dead? – A Twain wreck.
Young Frankenstein – Monster mush.
Rock 'N' Roll – Czech bouncers.
A Bronx Tale – A wopper.
Pygmalion – 'Ideous.
The Ritz – Full of schvitz.
Grease – Slick and tired.

Xanadu – Discoblecch.
Legally Blonde – And deaf and dumb.
Old Acquaintance – Be forgot.
The Pirate Queen – Booty and the beach.
110 in the Shade – Sere sucker.
Inherit the Wind – It's a trial even for the monkeys.
A Moon for the Misbegotten – Smashed hit.
Deuce – Double fault.
Frost Nixon – Dick David.
The Year of Magical Thinking – Good grief.

Blackbird – Preaching to the perverted.
Lovemusik – Kurt vile.
Curtains – My favorite part of the show.
Our Leading Lady – Lays a Lincoln log.
Talk Radio – Schlock jock.
Prelude to a Kiss – Flawplay.
The Apple Tree – Rotten to the chorus.
Journey's End – Trench tickler.
Follies – Self-explanatory.
High Fidelity – Bye, Fidelity. (closed)

Company – Marital blitz.
The Vertical Hour – You'll be horizontal by hour two.
Mary Poppins – Supercalifragilisticespeciallyatrocious.
The Little Dog Laughed – So bring your peke, she might get it.
Les Misérables – More miserable.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! – Seuss and desist.
Grey Gardens – Crank case.
The Times They Are A-Changin' – Bomb Dylan.
Butley – Mine was sore.
A Chorus Line – One! Out of ten.

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – Grating students.
Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me – Short end of the shtick.
Mother Courage – Brecht down.
Faith Healer – Out of touch.
The Lieutenant of Inishmore – Rot IRA.
Tarzan – Lord of the Jingle.
The Wedding Singer – I Loathe The 80s.
Lestat – Le static.
Sandra Bernhard: Everything Bad & Beautiful – Half right.
Three Penny Opera – Worth every cent.

Three Days of Rain – All wet.
Awake and Sing! – Try managing the first part.
Barefoot in the Park – Reboot.
The Drowsy Chaperone – A sleeper. Literally.
RIng of Fire – A waste of Cash.
The Pajama Game – Labor's love lost.
The Phantom of the Opera – The longest-running show in Broadway history. Every night.
Sweeney Todd – Barber chop quartet.
Doubt – Priests alter boys.
Chicago – Illin' noise.

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee – Insufferrible.
The Color Purple – Referring to the prose, I guess.
Radio City Christmas Show – Blah humbug.
The Woman in White – Andrew Lloyd Weeper.
The Odd Couple – To qualify as a revival they would have to provide smelling salts at the curtain.
A Naked Girl on the Appian Way – Incest repellent.
In My Life – A musician with Tourette's falls for a reporter with a compulsive disorder. Some (fuck, shit) enchanted evening...
Chita Rivera: The Dancer's Life – The ageless Broadway legend sings and dances her way through a dazzling tour of America's theatrical history after her nightly bath in the blood of sacrificial virgins.
The Blond in the Thunderbird – An exquisite coup de theatre from the author of The Sexy Years: Discover the Hormone Connection – The Secret of Fabulous Sex, Great Health, and Vitality, for Women and Men.
Naked Boys Singing! – Peepee. Heehee.

Lennon – O, no! (closed)
All Shook Up – And puking on my Blue Suede Shoes.
Sweet Charity – Here's my $101.25 to the Ex-Sitcom Bimbo With A Bum Leg Fund.
Jackie Mason: Freshly Squeezed – When life gives you a lemon...
The Light in the Piazza – Mike swallows a firefly.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – Pronounce the ch as in cliché.
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – Little-read Riding Hood.
Wicked – Suffers from Crone's Disease.
Spamalot – And now for something completely familiar.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – Scamalot.
The Producers – Pay $480 for a VIP ticket to see two nobodies play Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick on Broadway.
Hairspray – Roots for crossdressers.

Mamma Mia! – ABBAminable.
La Cage aux Folles – Redefines drag for a whole new generation of closeted homophobes.
Avenue Q – Tickle Me Asshole.
Rent – 1 RM, 2 ACTS w/LITE RCK, W/W CARPING.
Bombay Dreams – Sodom and Pakora.
Fiddler on the Roof – Harvey Fierstein's Fegelah on the Roof sings If I were a straight man...
Beauty and the Beast – The most life-affirming theatrical experience since Finding Nemo on Ice (he still stinks, by the way.)
The Boy from Oz – Further evidence to support David Gest in divorce court.
Dracula – Gives sucking a bad name.