TONY SLOPRANO 2012
Best Musical: Once –– Is too much.
Best Drama: Clybourne Park — Blackbuster.
TONY BENIGHT 2011
Best Musical: The Book of Mormon – Mormon baits.
Best Drama: War Horse — Filly stank.
TONY LOCO 2010
Best Musical: Memphis— Grislys.
Best Drama: Red — Bull.
TONY DINGY 2009Best Musical: Billy Elliot — Tinny dancer.
Best Drama: Gods of Carnage — Fret couples.
TONY BLARE 2008
Best Musical: In the Heights – Lemon merengue.
Best Drama: August: Osage County – Okie dookie.
TONY DEAF 2007
Best Musical: Spring Awakening – Fall Asleeping.
Best Drama: The Coast of Utopia – Like a sentence to Siberia.
TONY BALONEY 2006
Best Musical: Jersey Boys – For Valli girls.
Best Drama: The History Boys – Fizz Ed.
Dividing the Estate — Kick the clan.
The Radio City Christmas Spectacular — Snow good.
American Buffalo — Nickel and damned.
Speed the Plow — The intersection of Hollywood and swine.
All My Sons — Including Moe and Curly.
To Be or Not To Be — To see or not to see? Nazi.
A Man for All Seasons — No laughing martyr.
The Seagull — Chekhov your list.
Equus — Harry peter.
A Tale of Two Cities — Singing in the Reign of Terror.
The Tempest — Tempest fudge it.
Buffalo Gal — Wading in the wings.
[title of show] — Blankety blank.
Kicking a Dead Horse — Nag, nag, nag.
Damn Yankees — Soul pitch.
The Bacchae — Thick as Thebes.
Cirque Dreams Jungle Fantasy — Cirque de So Gay.
Saved — Irredeemable.
Top Girls — Churchill downs.
Glory Days — Make that day. (Closed after 1 perf.)
Boeing Boeing — Stewpid.
Thurgood — The bad and the ugly.
Cry-Baby — Bawl boy.
A Catered Affair — All-you-can-stomach.
Macbeth — Bard stiff.
South Pacific — Bali low.
Gypsy — Rose leech.
Adding Machine — Does not compute.
Jackie Mason: The Ultimate Jew — The Katz meow.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof — Limp Brick.
Passing Strange — And it stings down there, too.
Sunday in the Park with George — Que Seurat, Seurat.
Crimes of the Heart — Ms.demeanors.
Jerry Springer: The Opera — Scuzzy fan tutte.
Come Back, Little Sheba — This dog returns.
November — Poli Sigh.
Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps — Whodumbedit?
The Seafarer — Not worth its salt.
The Little Mermaid — Flounders.
The Homecoming – Pinter tale on the wonky.
The Farnsworth Invention – TV guyed.
The Fantasticks – Fantastinks.
Is He Dead? – A Twain wreck.
Young Frankenstein – Monster mush.
Rock 'N' Roll – Czech bouncers.
A Bronx Tale – A wopper.
Pygmalion – 'Ideous.
The Ritz – Full of schvitz.
Grease – Slick and tired.
Xanadu – Discoblecch.
Legally Blonde – And deaf and dumb.
Old Acquaintance – Be forgot.
The Pirate Queen – Booty and the beach.
110 in the Shade – Sere sucker.
Inherit the Wind – It's a trial even for the monkeys.
A Moon for the Misbegotten – Smashed hit.
Deuce – Double fault.
Frost Nixon – Dick David.
The Year of Magical Thinking – Good grief.
Blackbird – Preaching to the perverted.
Lovemusik – Kurt vile.
Curtains – My favorite part of the show.
Our Leading Lady – Lays a Lincoln log.
Talk Radio – Schlock jock.
Prelude to a Kiss – Flawplay.
The Apple Tree – Rotten to the chorus.
Journey's End – Trench tickler.
Follies – Self-explanatory.
High Fidelity – Bye, Fidelity. (closed)
Company – Marital blitz.
The Vertical Hour – You'll be horizontal by hour two.
Mary Poppins – Supercalifragilisticespeciallyatrocious.
The Little Dog Laughed – So bring your peke, she might get it.
Les Misérables – More miserable.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! – Seuss and desist.
Grey Gardens – Crank case.
The Times They Are A-Changin' – Bomb Dylan.
Butley – Mine was sore.
A Chorus Line – One! Out of ten.
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – Grating students.
Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me – Short end of the shtick.
Mother Courage – Brecht down.
Faith Healer – Out of touch.
The Lieutenant of Inishmore – Rot IRA.
Tarzan – Lord of the Jingle.
The Wedding Singer – I Loathe The 80s.
Lestat – Le static.
Sandra Bernhard: Everything Bad & Beautiful – Half right.
Three Penny Opera – Worth every cent.
Three Days of Rain – All wet.
Awake and Sing! – Try managing the first part.
Barefoot in the Park – Reboot.
The Drowsy Chaperone – A sleeper. Literally.
RIng of Fire – A waste of Cash.
The Pajama Game – Labor's love lost.
The Phantom of the Opera – The longest-running show in Broadway history. Every night.
Sweeney Todd – Barber chop quartet.
Doubt – Priests alter boys.
Chicago – Illin' noise.
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee – Insufferrible.
The Color Purple – Referring to the prose, I guess.
Radio City Christmas Show – Blah humbug.
The Woman in White – Andrew Lloyd Weeper.
The Odd Couple – To qualify as a revival they would have to provide smelling salts at the curtain.
A Naked Girl on the Appian Way – Incest repellent.
In My Life – A musician with Tourette's falls for a reporter with a compulsive disorder. Some (fuck, shit) enchanted evening...
Chita Rivera: The Dancer's Life – The ageless Broadway legend sings and dances her way through a dazzling tour of America's theatrical history after her nightly bath in the blood of sacrificial virgins.
The Blond in the Thunderbird – An exquisite coup de theatre from the author of The Sexy Years: Discover the Hormone Connection – The Secret of Fabulous Sex, Great Health, and Vitality, for Women and Men.
Naked Boys Singing! – Peepee. Heehee.
Lennon – O, no! (closed)
All Shook Up – And puking on my Blue Suede Shoes.
Sweet Charity – Here's my $101.25 to the Ex-Sitcom Bimbo With A Bum Leg Fund.
Jackie Mason: Freshly Squeezed – When life gives you a lemon...
The Light in the Piazza – Mike swallows a firefly.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – Pronounce the ch as in cliché.
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – Little-read Riding Hood.
Wicked – Suffers from Crone's Disease.
Spamalot – And now for something completely familiar.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – Scamalot.
The Producers – Pay $480 for a VIP ticket to see two nobodies play Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick on Broadway.
Hairspray – Roots for crossdressers.
Mamma Mia! – ABBAminable.
La Cage aux Folles – Redefines drag for a whole new generation of closeted homophobes.
Avenue Q – Tickle Me Asshole.
Rent – 1 RM, 2 ACTS w/LITE RCK, W/W CARPING.
Bombay Dreams – Sodom and Pakora.
Fiddler on the Roof – Harvey Fierstein's Fegelah on the Roof sings If I were a straight man...
Beauty and the Beast – The most life-affirming theatrical experience since Finding Nemo on Ice (he still stinks, by the way.)
The Boy from Oz – Further evidence to support David Gest in divorce court.
Dracula – Gives sucking a bad name.