Plan 2025 From Outer Space
As each day in America feels more and more like the sci-fi classic The Invasion of the Body Snatchers –– a place where podcasts regularly feature what seem like actual pod people –– we thought it would be appropriate for a Halloween season review of spacy horror films.
Who better than our Zardoz of zingers, E. Basil St. Blaise, to review far-out flicks with a frightening edge? Amazon Prime summarizes the plot of the afore-referenced 1974 Sean Connery fantasy as 'An exterminator of Brutals lands in the Vortex and mates with an Eternal in the year 2293.' St. Blaise dubbed it, 'Nard doze.' And The Invasion of the B.S.? He summed up the 1975 version, 'Pod slaves America.'
Appropriately, we tracked down our cinematic space cadet in a trailer park near Cape Canaveral, migrating South in his mobile HQ along with his faithful Affenpinscher, Josef. He told us he plans to spend 'Creepy Christmas', as he refers to our new favorite national holiday, in eyeshot of the launch pads in hopes of some SpaceX fireworks to punctuate the season.
He leaned back with a Spaceballs cocktail and let us into his orbit:
"What's in a Spaceballs? May the Schnapps be with you. Of course, it's inspired by Mel Brooks' uninspired 1987 parody of Star Wars ((1979) –– Luke warm.) which I felt transported me to 'Unfunnity and beyond.' I hear tell that they're concocting a sequel, a Number 2 in the most alimentary sense. Let me pre-review it as a 'Balls buster.'
U Eff Oh
Being so near the Cape brings back boyish memories of 50s and 60s films inspired by the real-life space race many of which I first experienced on a 19-inch black and white television. I remember Sputnik and Laika the Space Dog fondly (hence the lil' space suit Josef's wearing –– the one he's trying so desperately to bail out of), but in the days of the Red Scare, we were encouraged to cry 'Alan Shepard' as we cowered under our school desks during A-bomb drills. Not that the Soviet Socialist production Battle Beyond the Sun ((1959) –– Scum spots.) would have spooked true-blue John Glenn, but it's wild vagina-dentata-like creatures could easily have kicked The Cape Canaveral Monsters' ((1960) –– Loses its launch.) asses.
That dud was directed by the star-crossed Phil Tucker, whose very love of cinema was doomed, but who did make the genuinely hallucinatory 3-D trash masterpiece, 1953's Robot Monster. I was thinking of the title character in his gorilla suit and antennaed diving helmet when I dubbed it a 'Ro-Man orgy.'
Referencing the editors' preamble, perhaps I'd prefer the moniker 'Wizard of Ooze' to Zardoz (both derived from the same root) as I peek behind the celluloid curtain at these aborted missions. Or that cockpit shower curtain in Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space ((1957) –– Wood mite.) Sure, that so-called 'worst film ever made' was awful, but how much worse than these other super-novas (in the week-old lox sense)?
Invaders From Mars (1953) –– Mars blahs.
Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (1956) –– Disc –– oh, duck!
The Monolith Monsters (1957) –– Slab rats.
20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) –– Venus flight trap.
The Strange World of Planet X (1958) –– Blew origin.
Queen of Outer Space (1958) –– Royal's ham.
Early filmdom had provided more thoughtful examples of speculative fiction like Fritz Lang's silent epic Metropolis ((1927) –– Seer’s robot.) It's stated theme was “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.' –– in my heart I found it head-scratching though handsome. He even took a stab at a lunar or loonier landing with Woman in the Moon ((1929) –– No crater love.) where the astronautical fraulein traipsed about the dusty surface dressed like a Weimar Republic Annie Hall ((1977) –– Hall: pass.)
H.G Wells provided the basis for the ambitious if stolid Things to Come( (1936) –– One weak later.), but by 1940 the inspiration devolved to the funny pages for Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe (Crabbe dip.) Pulp magazines like Astounding Fiction would be the wellspring for most of the subsequent sci-fi onslaughts as Hollywood aimed for a younger audience. Some, like Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell ((1938) –– Pass-fail.), morphed into Howard Hawkes' The Thing from Another World ((1951) –– Plant parenthood.) Many more were lost in teleportation, like The Purple Monster Strikes ((1945) –– Refuses to work.)
Alien Fissure
Despite the chest-buster and all the bloodshed I thought Alien (1979) was more a gut-buster, especially when Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley went back to face the deadly xenomorph in order to retrieve her kitty(!). My notice was a twist on the memorable tagline: ‘In space no one can hear you scream… with laughter.’ It might’ve been terror if I could have foreseen all those sequels:
Aliens (1986) –– Ripley: believe it, or nuts!
This was early, somewhat-less-pretentious James Cameron and likely his best film, establishing his early cred as a skilled retreader. He averred 'I'll pee pack' like Arnold Schwarzenegger with the cyborg sequel (cyquel?) Terminator 2: Judgment Day ((1992) –– T for 2.) His later misadventures in overextending IP like Avatar: The Way of Water ((2022) –– Soggy bottom.) have tarnished that rep, except, inexplicably, at the boxoffice.
This kick-ass installment was followed by two kick-self missions which burned up on reentry.
Alien 3 (1992) –– Three alarm flyer.
Alien Resurrection (1997) –– Riseble.
Then original director Ridley Scott returned to the fold for some seriously unnecessary world-building. He completely lost me when Michael Fassbender's anal android David has his head ripped off by himself as another indistinguishable android. And then reappeared as a reconstituted David and his duplicate, Walter, in the second regurgitation. I assumed Scott accidentally collated pages of an early draft of Blade Runner ((1980) –– Mixed-up doubles.) into these scripts. Replicant help himself?
Prometheus (2012) –– Godsmacked.
Alien: Covenant (2017) –– Scott's turd builder.
The expansion of this Cinematic Universe was like creating a cosmology for The Three Stooges in Orbit ((1962) –– From pad to worse.) It imploded leaving us staring into this Black Hole:
Alien: Romulus (2024) –– And ream us.
The central premise of Alien –– a long trip with a really bad baby on-board –– seems lifted from the schlock lock-down in It! The Terror from Beyond Space ((1958) –– Forget It!) One appreciates the literary allusion to Joseph Conrad's celebrated novel Nostromo ((1904) –– Heave-ho silver.) in naming the Alien spacecraft, but the dopey nature of the crew has far more of the spirit of co-scenarist Dan O'Bannon's ditsy spoof Dark Star ((1975) –– Ship to snore.) an early John Carpenter botch job.
Predictably there were cash grabs along the way that crashed in the effort to meld two hyper-violent franchises into one boxoffice-gobbling behemoth. Urp!
Alien vs. Predator (2004) –– Xeno evil.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) –– Let it RIP.
And this past streaming season found Fox back in the hentai house with Alien: Earth (FX) –– Pain a visit.
On that note, I wish you all happy vapor trails as you blast off tricking or treating. May you collect all the Milky Way chocolates and Starburst candies you can possibly gobble. But keep 'em away from your own lil Josefs. Now I've got to see if that Ro-Man gorilla suit still fits me. Truth be told, it's the same one I wore to the King Kong Escapes ((1967) –– Ape men out.) 5oth anniversary bash some of us Toho enthusiasts whipped up a couple of years back. I do add a fish bowl mostly painted silver over the old noggin for Ro-Man. After several Space Balls. Cheers!"
Previous St. Blaise Halloween Roundups:
Swamp Think
Screecher Comforts
U.S. House of Horrors
The Haunted Manchin
Red Meet
Monster Rally 2020
The Phantom Minus
Slash and Burn
Hardy Horror
scroll down for these 3:
Trump or Treat
Field of Screams
Screamed Corn
Listen to E. Basil St. Blaise on his Critic's Corner Podcast.
10/27/25
