The U.S. Department of the Interior has directed the National Park Service to initiate a program designed to attract more young people to our country’s most cherished National Places.
Dubbed Mo’ Monuments, the first phase of the plan calls for upgrading the street cred of the venerable Dead White Men in the Black Hills of South Dakota with a hip-hop refurbishment.
100 Cent aka The Notorious GW
The Father of the Country looked more like a fugly Mother,
Named a bridge n’ tunnel for him, n’ nearly ev’ry other brother.
G-Wa told his old man he done chopped the cherry tree,
Pop popped him one ‘n said, “You shoulda’ blamed Hillary.”
With his powdered wig n’ bling he coulda’ been a Liberace,
But he had a beard named Martha n’ real cojones in his crotchy.
Rode a boat to Delaware, whupped the butt of all them Hessians,
Brought d’ boyz to Mount Vernon for some Minute Man sessions.
Punk’d the Redcoats at Yorktown, the bitches sez, “You’re freer!”
Got elected President without the help of Judge Scalia.
Did eight years in DC, tagged his name all round the hood.
Never smiled for the cameras cuz his teeth wuz made of wood.
Def Jef n’ Lil’ Sal
Dis whigger Whig dissed the Pigs, sayin’ slavery was wacko,
But his own slaves was totin’, steada’ tokin’ his tobacco.
Slammed some ill Declaration, in the War of Independence,
Had a mandinga called Sal, makin’ sure he got in her pants.
Hid his ho and his blow from the Continental Congrizzle,
So he wizzled the White Hizzle, kept it rizzle for shizzle.
At Monticello this smart fellow felt like Southern-fried chicken,
So Tom purchased Louisiana – yo, that dark meat was kickin’.
Lewis and Clark cased da land, from Mississippi to Pacific,
Sally had a mocha baby – this Poundin’ Father was prolific.
Wuz it cuz as Ambassador he went to phony France to chill,
He’s Dead President number three, but a two dollar bill?
On San Juan Hill a Rough Rider, don’t mean no jimmy hat,
Juan had unprotected funkin’ when T’s goin’ rat-tat-tat.
McKinley grooved on Mistah Bully so’s he made him his Veep.
Rooz got to be the Top Dog when McK’s capped by a creep.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama, splittin’ the isthmus.
Buggin’ dudes makin’ hats, musta’ thought it wuz Christmas.
Set up the U.S. Forest Service, kept the parks free of litter.
Wanted a nice, neat place where he could ice some furry critter.
Left DC on safari, whacked gnus and a big kitty,
Had anger management issues, changed his name to plain Tiddy.
Ran again to be POTUS, but he didn’t have the juice,
Got tagged by a shooter who took him for a Bull Moose.
From a log crib in Kentucky, he grew up a six-four honky,
Wuz a Blood Republican, but hung just like a donkey,
Wore a funky stovepipe hat, slightly bigger than his woody,
Debated Douglass, flashed his link, did his erective duty.
Righteous Abe freed the peeps who was pimped on the plantation,
Mary Todd, his loc old lady, coulda’ ruled Prozac Nation.
Fought the crackers n’ the Klan, became the Great Emancipator,
Ditched the wife, slept with dudes, was a Greater Masturbator.
Wuz comped two seats in a box, that’s some presidential perk.
Wilkes Booth offed him in Act II, killa did a Linkin Murk.
LL’s life was cut way short, like a Tupac or a Biggie,
Presidentz just like Gangstas, bein’ shot and gettin’ jiggy.