FRANCIS HA
Week of 07/26/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Millions join pope at beach
–– Recites Solomon's Thong of Thongs.
Detroit to build $444 million arena
–– To throw Christians to Lions.
Taliban Seize Police Force in an Afghan Hamlet
–– They were in middle of ‘To be or not to be’ soliloquy.
Anthony Weiner NY Mayoral Poll Flaccid Following New Sexting Scandal
–– Headline writer should face stiff penalties.
Here Are All 31 NFL Players Who Have Been Arrested Since The Super Bowl
–– Not counting team mascots.
How Much Does It Cost To Own A McDonald’s Franchise?
–– All of your self-respect.
Scientists give mice false memories
–– Of cheese substitute.
McCain hopes $1 coin leads to bigger tips for strippers
–– Just pop 'em in the slot.
Halliburton to Plead Guilty to Destroying Evidence After Spill
–– Investigators issued subpoena for Cheney’s dribble cup.
Shocking place crew stashed meat
–– According to Airplane’s Captain Oveur.
Promoter: Celine Dion’s ‘bigger’ than MJ
–– In heels.
Ladies and Gentlemen…The Crookie
–– And the Crap, a croissant crossed with a wrap.
Hugh Jackman Finds Wolverine Character ‘Eternally Fascinating’
–– In a minority opinion.
Croc bites trainer’s head at show
–– Mistook him for Captain Hook.
Flock of Seagulls find stolen van
–– It’s the one they shat all over.
Pedophilia accusations at Bulger trial
–- Aww, and we were just starting to like him.
X-Ray finds migrants packed into truck
–– And in need of dental work.
Why do volcanoes scream
–– Really great sex.
Athletes who lied about doping
–– Alphabetically, in three volumes.
Haiku clue in Japan serial killings
–– Case begins to sound
like really bad episode
of Criminal Minds
William: Royal Baby Has Kate’s Lips
–– Thin and grinning vacantly.
Spitzer: ‘I failed. Big time’
–– ‘I never got her hourly rate below $1,000.’
Bullock shoots movie harnessed, immobile
–– So body matches Botoxed face.
5 Diseases Coffee Can Prevent
–– According to Dr. Juan Valdez.
2 men face rat, reptile breeding cruelty charges
–– They neglected foreplay.
Misconceptions about college sex
–– It isn’t as hot as you fantasize it is.
Storm chaser captures flash flood
–– Releases it on its own recognizance.
Crickets are energy bar’s key ingredient
–– Jumpin’ Jiminy!
What’s causing crime in Cleveland?
–– Criminals?
Taco Bell to drop kid’s meals
–– So the little buggers can eat off the floor.
World awaits tiny prince
–– But he won’t leave Paisley Park.
Geraldo Rivera Tweets Semi-Nude Photo
–– Revealing second, manicured ‘stache.
Lauryn Hill Pens Letter From Prison To Fans
–– Wishes she was 'Fugeetive’.
The Interesting Thing Buzz Aldrin Did on the Moon
–– He left his own lunar ‘deposits’.
Will Disney’s Foray Into Obscure Marvel Heroes Succeed?
–– The Familiar Four, X-Mensch, Drabdevil.
UK Wants to limit access to online porn
–– To Parliament.
App tells you if you’re too drunk
–– Before you drop your phone in toilet.
Tuna capsizes boat, drags man into sea
–– Sorry, Charley.
Dogs See In Color, Not Black & White; What This Means For Pet Owners
–– Pimped out dog houses.
The Apple, Samsung Conflict Will Get Even More Absurd Before It Gets Better
–– When Apple sues over use of the word Jobs to describe what Samsung workers do.
You Won’t Believe Who the Largest Homeowner in America Is
–– Paul Bunyan!
10 signs your co-worker is a spy
–– 4. Cyanide in the water cooler.
Photos: ‘Grumpy Old Men’ Home on Sale
–– Statler and Waldorf refuse to move out.
Some of Thomas’ pointed questions
–– Sprung from her pointed head.
U.S. dumps bombs at Great Barrier Reef
–– Targets al Qaeda kelp.
Dog in poignant picture dies
–– Of embarrassment.
Man convicted of sex abuse on plane
–– No, not in the cockpit.
Fake William and Kate at hospital
–– Outnumbered by fake reporters.
DUMMY UP
Week of 07/19/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Detroit may have to sell Howdy Doody
–– As firewood.
Comic-con welcomes Hello Kitty
–– Bunch of pussies greets one of their own.
Obese Boy Scouts banned from outing
–– Gay bunk mates.
Kerry tries to jump-start peace talks
–– Attaches jumper cables to Bibi’s BBs.
Royal baby watch
–– It’s solid gold with a picture of Gromit on its face.
Why are some babies overdue?
–– Their Royal baby watches stop.
Biden hints at possibility of a presidential run in 2016
–– And of a moon walk in 2020.
Snooki On Weight Loss: ‘I’m the Size of a Fifth Grader’
–– ‘And readin’ on the third-grade level!’
Panda cam captures more than birth
–– Sex tape surfaces on bearassed.com.
Taliban to Malala: Why you got shot
–– We would not sully our precious blades with female blood.
Queen OKs same-sex marriage
–– Prince Philip: 'Now you tell me.'
Skechers pays big for butt-toning claims
–– And for massaging customers’ bottoms.
Man wakes up, speaks only Swedish
–– In a STORÅ bed at IKEA.
This man woke up with no memory
–– Y’know, whatsisname.
‘Lone Ranger’ shows Depp in a rut
–– For one-half of its 149 minute running time.
Bachmann wants to ‘spank’ Obama
–– If he puts on leopard-skin loincloth she bought for him.
‘Pet Flipping’ Is Now a Thing
–– Dachshunds least likely to land on their feet.
Deaf NY Starbucks patrons sue, say they’re mocked
–– Lawyers ask how Starbucks employees could mock anybody.
Obama sings Bush’s praises
–– To the tune of The Bitch is Back.
Sinful Synergy: How the Cronut Seduced America
–– The left Cronut.
Rihanna blasts not guilty verdict for George Zimmerman: ‘Child gunned down for no reason!’
–– “Eeason…eason, ay ay ay.’
Did charging cell phone kill woman?
–– Why couldn’t she get out of its way?
Is flashing your car’s headlights protected by the First Amendment?
–– Flashing them on your penis?
How Taxidermy Keeps Extinct Animals Around
–– But you do have to dust them.
Iconic Fast-Food Items Worth Eating
–– Wendy’s burger.
How to Protect Your Cat from High-Rise Syndrome
–– Throw him out the second -floor window.
Famed Katmai brown bears ready for season 2
–– Hope to better record against Alaskan Park Rangers.
Iran’s president-elect criticizes outgoing leader
–– ‘You call that zealotry?!!’
After runaway train: ‘It’s like 9/11’
–– If empty planes had flown themselves into the World Trade Center.
Carly Rae’s first pitch worst ever?
–– After Ed Wood’s for Glen or Glenda.
Milk Price War Pits California Dairy Farmers Against Cheesemakers
–– Both sides ‘have a cow.’
Gazelle Killed Its Partnership With Walmart Last Year, And Now It’s Growing Like Crazy
–– But can’t run as fast.
The 3 Most Commonly Diagnosed Mental Disorders
–– 2. Making online lists.
The Best Kale Recipes You’ve Ever Tried
–– To forget.
Microsoft Cuts Surface Tablet Prices Amid Weak Demand
–– Experts suggest they ‘just scratch the Surface.’
U.S. star sprinter tests positive
–– For naturally-occurring adrenaline.
Danica Patrick wrecks boyfriend’s car
–– Blames it on Asian driver.
Rowling book sales soar 507,000%
–– She’s Rowling in the dough.
Congress could get more toxic
–– If Boehner pisses in watercooler.
‘Vampire’ Graves Uncovered in Poland
–– With stakes driven through kneecaps.
Intern confirmed bogus pilot names
–– And his own: Sum dum fuk.
Irked victim shames teen burglar
–– By publicly defriending him on Facebook.
Baby laughs at power drill
–– Boring into his skull.
Penn State OKs settlement for victims
–– Each will get counseling session, season tickets, and bust of Joe Paterno.
POL DANCERS
Week of 07/12/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Eliot Spitzer: The comeback kid
–– Cum again?
Great Moments in Derek Jeter deification
–– The Sermon on the Mound.
The 10 most misquoted songs
–– 7. Tequila.
Big admission in theater shooting case
–– $20, no passes!
Rare footage of FDR in wheelchair
–– Popping wheelies!
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Designed a Vacuum Cleaner From his CIA Prison
–– Dubbed it Dust Great Satan.
3 Shocking Truths You Never Knew About Calories
–– 2. They hate being called fat.
The JFK Conspiracy Theory You Want to Believe In Is Almost Here
–– The one where Oliver Stone did it.
Iris scans are the new school IDs
–– Digital exams the new hall passes.
Pope lays down law on child abuse
–– Never on a Sunday.
How did a 7-foot snake get THERE?
–– She asked nicely.
Tour de France rider hit by urine
–– Oui, oui.
How Kate’s Delivery Will Differ From U.S. Experience
–– Babies-in-waiting.
Experts Rank the 15 Quietest Dog Breeds
–– 13. Doperman Pinscher.
Google goes down briefly
–– Customer left ‘unsatisfied’.
Palin considers Senate run
–– Twice around Capitol.
Satanists square off on abortion
–– Damien vs. Rosemary’s baby.
Spitzer Quickly Hits Establishment Headwind
–– Doesn’t mind being blown.
Russia fires Bolshoi Theatre boss after acid attack
–– Company to still perform new ballet Scarface.
Golden Corral Under Investigation After ‘Dumpster Ribs’ Video Surfaces
–– Rumors of a ‘Meatloaf Sex Tape’ swirl.
Obamacare Law a ‘Serious Pig,’ GOP’s Corker Says
–– Corker or Porker?
The Job Benefit Americans Covet Most is…
–– Frottage.
Spitzer: You need rhinoceros skin
–– Lambskin breaks too easily.
George Clooney and Stacy Keibler Split!
–– As single cell organisms do.
Marion Barry feels for Spitzer, Weiner
–– Can’t reach Spitzer, touches Weiner.
Perry won’t run for gov. again
–– Says, “I’ve done all the damage I could possibly do,”
Right whale slams into surfer
–– Wrong one swallows him.
Puppy gets stuck in car engine.
–– Which now refuses to purr.
Soccer referee dismembered
–– Unable to take penalty kick.
Eliot Spitzer Re-Entering Politics Following TV Career
–– From behind.
Castro supports asylum for Edward Snowden
–– Psychiatrist supports asylum for Castro.
Mystery of the Forest Swastikas
–– And the Nazi elves.
Miley Cyrus Says She Was Famed Rapper In Past Life
–– Vanilla Shaved Ice.
Urban Meyer: Florida Staff ‘Worked very Hard to Mentor’ Hernandez
–– ‘But he never got the hang of destroying evidence.’
9 Worst Jobs for Your Joints
–– 5. Impregnating Octomom.
Feds: NY man tried to extort $250K from Paula Deen
–– To be paid in lard.
Kerry on yacht as Egypt crisis unfolded
–– Admits he should have been on his Pharaonic barge.
‘Big Bang’ actress dates ‘Superman’
–– Superman: "I've had bigger bangs."
This is What to Make with Extra Burger Meat
–– A bust of Wendy.
Tiny Chinese enclave remakes gambling world, Vegas
–– With their teensy-weensy dice.
Pope Francis Shakes Up Church Establishment
–– With his rendition of Boyz II Men’s I’ll Make Love to You.
The World’s Most Feces-Polluted Beaches, Mapped
–– Bottom Bay, Barbados; Papua, New Guinea; Maloo Bay, Hawaii; Son Dung, Vietnam.
THE HIGH LIFE
Week of 07/05/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
$1.1 million in vodka stolen
–– Lindsay Lohan tweets alibi.
50 Cent Denies Kicking Ex-Girlfriend
–– And habit.
Immigrant doctors working in fast food
–– Gastroenterologists preferred.
Ruben Studdard: ‘Biggest Loser’ Contestant for Fall 2013
–– Qualified “without consideration to his body weight.”
Arrested Vatican prelate lived lush life in hometown
–– Luxury condo had hot and cold running altar boys.
Kanye West Is “Not Changing Diapers” for Baby North
–– But Kim still changing his.
Pepsi in the Doghouse: Still Has Chemical Linked to Cancer
–– Because it’s the most delicious ingredient.
Kelly and Giffords lobby in Alaska for gun control
–– And try to sell ice to eskimos.
Before arrest, Hernandez no stranger to violence
–– They dated in high school.
Scotty McCreery Performs at Sweet 16 for Duck Dynasty Star’s Daughter
–– Includes selections from Karlheinz Stockhausen’s Licht: Die sieben Tage der Woche.
The ‘Proof of Heaven’ Author Has Now Been Thoroughly Debunked by Science
–– Experts confirm ‘St. Peter’s driver’s license’ a forgery.
Vatican: John Paul II close to sainthood
–– Pope Benedict XVI near early bird special.
Pippa Told To Stop Hogging The Royal Spotlight
–– And take the pillow out from under her blouse.
Rodman: I should get Nobel Prize
–– For negotiating with Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice.
Wacky royal baby souvenirs
–– Placental scrunchies, Umbilical cards, Kate's Kegels exercise tape.
Group: Video shows monk’s beheading
–– He had asked for bowl cut.
Common end-of-life medical terms
–– The Big Waiting Room, Pre-dead, 0º of separation, Shroud-worthy.
Paul Ryan puckers up –– with a fish!
–– Fish puckers, too…on tail end.
Michael Jackson kids celebrate dad
–– Toasting him with propofol-laced Jesus Juice at pre-teen sleepover.
How to pretend you’re Canadian
–– Go into hock, eh?
Wal-mart’s ‘Idol’-style competition
–– The winning employee receives month of health insurance.
Dog nearly causes Tour de France crash
–– Loses control of miniature unicycle.
Columnist warns banning Redskins name will be just the beginning
–– Browns, Packers next.
Woman told to lift bra at traffic stop
–– So officer could check high beams.
Starbucks customers name baby
–– Grande Willie Winkie.
Orlando Bloom Finishes Legolas Scenes for ‘Hobbit’
–– Resumes two-legged career.
11 Things Not to Do With Email
–– 6. Lick envelope.
Jennifer Lopez Performs for Repressive Leader of Turkmenistan
–– Amnesty International issues apology…to him.
The Most Unhealthy Frozen Dinner You Can Buy
–– Hungry-Man Beer Battered Ted Williams.
‘Star Wars’ translated into Navajo
–– JarJar Binks speaks in funny Apache accent.
Park Police lose hundreds of guns
–– Armed thefts of Honey Nut Clusters skyrocket.
Chilean Mummies Reveal Ancient Nicotine Habit
–– Another nail in coffin.
Champion Dog Allegedly Neutered, Kidnapped
–– Didn’t notice he’d been kidnapped.
Ex-wife sentenced for cutting off penis
–– A severely reduced sentence.
Jennifer Aniston the Stunning New Face of Cancer Campaign
–– J-Lo its incredible new ass.
COUPLES RETWEET
Week of 06/28/13
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Baldwin Explodes After Wife Accused of Tweeting at Gandolfini Funeral
–– #Al_ick.
Are Kate and William Just Two More One Percenters?
– Or one more two-percenter?
The 8 Least Expensive States to Live in the U.S.
–– 2. Plasma.
Obama rules out Mandela 'photo op'
–– Instead insists he autograph Invictus poster.
Villaraigosa leaves solid legacy
–– But forgets to flush.
Bert and Ernie come out in support of gay marriage on The New Yorker cover
–– Teletubbies cancel subscription.
Sears latest of 8 companies to drop Paula Deen
–– Like a Buttery Buttermilk Mashed Potato.
Attorney: Gum links Hernandez to killing
–– Wad?!
Is Kennedy ‘the first gay justice’?
–– Is Scalia 'the first Neanderthal justice'?
Would you feed your dog rodent meat?
–– Only ground hog.
5 New Ways to Use an Ice Cube Tray
–– 3. Freeze hubby's sperm for that 'special ocassion'.
Bear mauls Alaska man who gave it barbecue meat
–– Bear meat.
10 Signs Death Is Near
–– 7. You catch whiff of Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: ‘I’ve Learned to Embrace Flats’!
–– Still prefers big boobs like her own.
OIC Secretary General felicitates Pakistani Prime Minister
–– Then swallows hard.
Ex-mobster: Bulger broke my heart
–– Was aiming for my knees.
Plane carrying George W. Bush diverted after smell of smoke
–– He was just thinkin’ really, really hard.
Feds seize 14 7-Eleven stores in ID theft case
–– Confiscate 7-Select™ Burritos as WMD.
How Superman is like Jesus
–– With more fanatical disciples.