File and Rank
Week of 12/19/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Outrage and legal threats: Trump justice department slammed after limited Epstein files release
–– Utterly redactulous.
Economists warn of flaws in US inflation report
–– In latest slang for ‘obvious bullshit.’
Unreleased Epstein Photos Show People 'Engaged in Sexual Acts' and Victims in 'Compromising Positions,' Congressman Says
–– America bravely awaits, hand down pants.
White House Chief of Staff Says Trump 'Was Wrong' About Bill Clinton Visiting Epstein's Private Island: 'There Is No Evidence'
–– Wrong or lying? You flip coin.
Trump's Chief of Staff Says He's in 'the Epstein File': They Were 'Young, Single Playboys Together'
–– In latest slang for ‘middle-aged predators.’
Scott Jennings Slams Democrats for Trying To ‘Create a Narrative That Trump Had Something to Do With Epstein’
–– Demands Congress investigate arcane powers to bend time, space.
Newt Gingrich's 'Gaslighting' Spin On Trump Speech Has Critics Saying 'OMFG'
–– Newt’s 82, was watching Churchill speech from 1940.
November jobless rate hits 4-year high, underscores concerns about economy
–– We checked first if Labor Dept. would sue over use of 'concerns.'
Kevin Hassett, one of Trump's top picks to lead the Fed, says there's "plenty of room" to cut rates
–– Particularly respiratory, heart.
Trump has ‘an alcoholic’s personality, chief of staff says in wide-ranging Vanity Fair interview. She calls it a ‘hit piece’
–– Nation has ‘abused wife and kids’ personality.’
JD Vance Fires Back — Says He Hopes Trump Admin Has Learned ‘Lesson’ After Susie Wiles Called Him a ‘Conspiracy Theorist’ in Vanity Fair
–– 'Total asshat' was on first semester exam.
Susie Wiles offered unflattering assessments of her colleagues to Vanity Fair. In return, they showered her with praise
–– Imagine dirt she has along with those loose lips.
Trump declares fentanyl a weapon of mass destruction
–– We declare him same.
Dan Bongino plans to step down as FBI deputy director in January
–– Probably more stumble like drunk on stairs.
Coast Guard enacts policy calling swastikas, nooses ‘potentially divisive’
–– Except for neo-Nazis they hope enlist.
Senators freeze Coast Guard admiral’s promotion over swastika, noose policy
–– Getting hang of it?
The S.E.C. Was Tough on Crypto. It Pulled Back After Trump Returned to Office
–– This week in 'Coinkydinks.'
Kennedy Center board votes to rename ‘Trump-Kennedy Center’
–– And there's Zapruder film of this crime?
Donald Trump Says He 'Just Heard About' Melania's New First Lady Initiative: 'I Don't Know What It Is She's Doing'
–– ‘She only told me 82 times.’
Tom Homan Begs Democratic Politicians to ‘Please Stop’ Demonizing ICE Agents: ‘I Don’t Wanna Bury Anybody Else’
–– But you do wanna bully, brutalize brown folks.
Statue of Black teen who fought segregation replaces Robert E. Lee at U.S. Capitol
–– In racist outrage!
4 arrested for alleged terror plot by far-left group in California, feds say
–– We're gonna wait until after iffy prosecution to confirm.
Melania Trump's longtime makeup artist says she was canceled for working with first family
–– After spraining arm applying bronzer with trowel.
Murdoch Paper Warns RFK Jr.’s ‘Lunatic’ Crusade Will Lead to More ‘Dead Kids’
–– You'd think that would give NY Post editors chubby.
Trump-touted drug for autism is now in demand, but doctors see a dilemma
–– Besides it doesn't work?
Trump Predicts Don Jr. Would ‘Rather Be In The Jungle’ Than Mourning When President ‘Kicks The Bucket’
–– Eric on jungle gym.
Trump’s library plan: An ‘iconic building’ in Miami and a ‘fake news wing’
–– Every other inch will be real fake news.
Zohran Mamdani confirms he and his wife would be moving from their one-bedroom apartment to Gracie Mansion. Here's a look at their new home
–– And their dacha?
Elise Stefanik ends her short-lived bid for New York governor and won’t seek reelection to House
–– Hit Stefanik button.
Bret Stephens on the Fight for the Future of the Right
–– Future is now and fascist.
Lindsey Graham Blames Obama and Biden for Australia Mass Shooting: They ‘Have a Lot to Do With This’
–– Makes koala bear seem mentally astute.
‘Hero’ who wrestled gun from Bondi shooter named as Ahmed al Ahmed
–– But you can call him al.
Bondi Beach gunmen appear inspired by Islamic State, authorities say
–– Down under hell.
Palestinian Authority condemns Sydney attack, expresses solidarity with Australia
–– That’s gotta feel good.
Australia to tighten gun laws after Bondi Beach Hanukkah massacre
–– Inspired by swift action of US Congress after typical mass shooting.
Why Trump’s ‘peace deals’ keep unraveling
–– He made them.
Europe Agrees on Loan to Ukraine Without Using Russian Funds
–– Afraid of making Putin really mad?
Ukraine and Portugal agree on co-production of Ukrainian sea drones
–– In The Odd Couple.
Deadly Attack on U.S. Troops Poses Growing Challenge for Syria’s Leader
–– In dumbass kiss.
Assad family live in Russian luxury as Bashar ‘brushes up on ophthalmology’
–– Ain't that a poke in the eye?
Hong Kong court convicts pro-democracy newspaper founder Jimmy Lai
–– Lai's down: the law.
‘Godfather of AI’ says Bill Gates and Elon Musk are right about the future of work—but he predicts mass unemployment is on its way
–– ‘But?’ Isn’t that what they, and everyone else, predicted?
You can make up to $200K working in Trump’s new ‘Tech Force’—and you don’t need a degree or work experience
–– Just ability to digitally pleasure boss.
Inside the Fractious WBD-Paramount Deal Talks: Ellisons Offered Zaslav Pay Package Worth ‘Several Hundred Million Dollars,’ Which Zaslav Said Was ‘Inappropriate’ to Discuss
–– Should've known to slip under table.
Amy Schumer and Husband Chris Fischer Divorcing After Over 7 Years of Marriage: 'It's a Cohesive Split'
–– More ‘conscious uncoupling’ or jumbo shrimp?
Nicki Minaj Says It’s ‘Impossible’ For Gavin Newsom to Become President in 2028: ‘He Thinks He’s Tom Cruise’
–– How many fishies in her think tank?
“Landman”: Billy Bob Thornton Describes “The View” as a 'Bunch of Pissed Off Millionaires Bitching About' President Donald Trump
–– Actually his character, but y'know, we did get you to read this crap.
Jelly Roll Receives Full Pardon in Tennessee for Past Crimes
–– Jelly out of jam?
Mia Farrow Shares Personal Memory With Late Ex-Husband Frank Sinatra
–– Via medium, presumably.
Paul Rudd Says Ice Cube’s Approval of New ‘Anaconda’ Is Like “Being Blessed by the Pope”
–– Of Trash.
’Game of Thrones’ star Maisie Williams bares all while skinny dipping in Italy
–– Can you see her aryaole?
Why I Keep Returning to Middle-Earth
–– Chronic Nerdism.
'I Want My Money Back': Some Marvel Fans Leave Midnight Avatar: Fire And Ash Screenings Disappointed There's No Avengers: Doomsday Trailer, Though Others Say They've Seen It
–– Angry they weren’t overcharged for ad?
James Cameron isn't sure about more 'Avatar' movies – 'I feel done'
–– Audience: ‘Uncle!’
Stephen Colbert Gives the Middle Finger After Hugging CBS Evening's John Dickerson on His Final Day as Anchor
–– While John dickers on.
Trump’s No-Flip Coin Toss at Army-Navy Game Stuns Internet: ‘Looked Like a Space Alien Wholly Unfamiliar With the Concept’
–– Made vow to self as child to never handle anything less than $20 bill.
John Cena takes his final bow, after last ever WWE fight
–– Cena the crime.
Tom Brady's Lookalike Son Jack, 18, Is Taller Than Him in Rare Photos
–– But not real life!’
Sony to Acquire Control of Peanuts in $457 Million Deal
–– Should have heads examined.
James L. Brooks Recalls Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine Being 'as Rocky as It Gets' Making “Terms of Endearment ”
–– So they didn’t share any?
Box Office: ‘Zootopia 2’ Returns to No. 1 as ‘Ella McCay’ Suffers One of Worst Debuts Ever for Disney With $2 Million
–– Yeah, but it was only at… 2500 theaters?!
Millie Bobby Brown Drops Out of Same “Stranger Things” Event as David Harbour, 3 Days After Revealing She Injured Herself
–– Patting own back.
–– Whole world's Upside Down.
Pierce Brosnan shuts down James Bond question: 'I couldn't give a f---'
–– Neither shaken nor stirred?
Ex-Members of '90s Heavy Metal Band, Formed 32 Years Ago, Announces Reunion Show
–– If you remember Mushroomhead how many shrooms did you do?
Here’s What Jim Harbaugh Said About Firing of Sherrone Moore — Who Took Over for Him as Head Football Coach at University of Michigan
–– Need we say Moore?
Phil Mickelson speaks out on divisive political issue: ‘At the expense of America’
–– How many shanked balls has this idiot taken off head?
21 American Burger Chains Ranked, Worst To Best
–– Tomorrow pizza, next day bagels, next week more burgers.
This Italian City Is the Birthplace of Pizza—and It Is Packed with Fascinating History
–– Napoli ever after.
Ticket prices raise the question: Will this be the ‘prawn sandwich’ World Cup?
–– Can somebody shut tix up?
Birthrates Are Falling, but Don’t Blame Dogs in Strollers
–– Then what apocalyptic behavior can we ascribe to it?
Why New York City keeps building luxury high-rises
–– Plight of homeless billionaires.
They Get Wheeled on Flights and Miraculously Walk Off. Praise ‘Jetway Jesus.’
–– We ascribe cure to salty nuts.
Dollar General agrees to pay $15m to settle price-gouging claims
–– Would often charge $1.01!
Roomba's bankruptcy may wreck a lot more than one robot vacuum maker
–– Industry-wide dust-up?
Man, 86, Fined Over $300 for Littering Because He Spit Out a Leaf That Blew into His Mouth: 'Unnecessary'
–– How about hair ball that followed?
Rain arriving in Providence on Friday may further hamper investigation
–– Police don’t sound too slick.
Person of interest in Brown University shooting detained at hotel; is in their mid-20s, police say
–– Is in their not-guilties.
Person of interest in Brown University shooting was detained at Hampton Inn in Coventry, R.I.
–– In worst ad for chain since this.
Keystone Kash Suffers New Fiasco in Ivy League Shooter Hunt
–– He always gets his man wrong.
Kash Patel Is Somehow Even Worse at His Job Than We Already Thought
–– Has been studying Pink Panther films for guidance.
Brown U. and MIT professor shootings are linked; suspect found dead, officials say
–– Patel never even had to use decoder ring.
Trump on Brown University shooting that left 2 dead and 9 injured: "Things can happen."
–– Um, pathetic.
Critics ‘Horrified’ By Trump’s 3 Words About Brown University Shooting
–– Like two word descriptor for his very existence: "Shit happens."
Mystery grows after Florida doctor’s body found in Dollar Tree freezer a day after she entered store
–– Lacked cold cash?
The Meaning of Luigi Mangione’s New Suits
–– Not his lawsuits, mind you, but who he’s wearing!
He set out to teach an octopus piano. The results surprised even him.
–– And he’s cuttlefish!
9 smartest killers in the animal kingdom, who rely on intelligence, not just muscle and power, to kill their prey
–– 9. Sly Fox. 8. Beaver Cleaver, 7. Pithbull, 6. Mens a' War, 5. Sharpopotamus, 4. Bright Whale, 3. Water Shrewd, 2. Brainy Yak, 1. Smart Asp.
A Biologist Reveals What Elephants Do When A Herd Member Dies
–– Start talking shit about them.
A New Creature With 24 Eyes Can See in Every Direction At Once
–– But faces extinction due to lack of eye drops.
This Worm Quietly Lived In A Lab For Decades, But They Had No Idea Just How Old It Truly Was
–– Same age as one in RFK Jr.’s head.
Rising Temperatures Could Trigger a Reptile Sexpocalypse
–– Luckily lizards can regrow ding dongs.
Blamed for the nation’s historic measles outbreak, West Texas Mennonites have hardened their views on vaccines
–– Will kick ass if you even whisper 'immunization.'
The NYC Subway Is Drowning. Here’s How to Save It.
–– And rats?
Peter Greene, a character actor known for role as the iconic villain in ‘Pulp Fiction,’ has died
–– Under greene, greene grass of home.
Anthony Geary, Luke Spencer on ‘General Hospital,’ Dies at 78
–– Luke's pretty bad.
Gil Gerard, ‘Buck Rogers in the 25th Century’ star, dies at 82
–– Buck’s trend.
Norman Podhoretz, Influential Editor and Neoconservative Force, Dies at 95
–– Neoconcluded.
May Britt, Swedish actor and former wife of Sammy Davis Jr, dies aged 91
–– In Britt box.
Craig Tennis, Talent Coordinator for Johnny Carson's 'Tonight Show,' Dies at 85
–– Aced out.
Ten Years Before Rob and Michele Reiner Were Killed in Their Home, Rob Made a Movie About the Family’s Tensions, Including With Son Nick
–– Reviews are in.
Trump Blames Tragic Death of Rob Reiner and Wife on ‘TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME’
–– Own derangement complete.
"Very bad for our country": Trump doubles down on Rob Reiner attacks
–– They, you certainly are.
Rob Reiner Remembered by Owner of Katz’s Deli, Setting for Iconic ‘When Harry Met Sally’ Scene
–– Rye humor.
James Woods Tears Up Over ‘Infuriating’ Remarks About ‘Patriot’ Rob Reiner: ‘Because You Disagree With People, Doesn’t Mean You Have to Hate People’
–– Touch Woods.
Maria Shriver Says Rob Reiner and Wife Michele Were 'in the Best Place of Their Lives' in Emotional Tribute to Longtime Friends
–– Um, uh, er…
Jimmy Kimmel Names The 1 Way Rob Reiner Would Want Americans To Respond To 'Vile' Trump
–– Misery.
