Noel Way Out
Week of 12/26/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump tells 10-year-old child he made sure ‘a bad Santa’ is not ‘infiltrating’ the US
–– Krampus, ‘How the hell am I supposed to compete?'
Federal government’s charity drive doing far worse under Trump
–– Scrooge, ‘You win!’
Trump Rebuts Child Who Said She Doesn’t Want Coal for Christmas: ‘Coal Is Clean and Beautiful – Please Remember That’
–– Might be some underaged rebutting in Epstein files.
Donald Trump, on Christmas Eve Calls with Children, Brags About Winning Pennsylvania ‘3 Times’
–– 'Twas the nut before Christmas.
Annual Christmas Eve jazz concert canceled after Trump’s name installed on Kennedy Center
–– Blessed silent night.
Trump just declared December 26th a national holiday. What’s open and closed?
–– Closed? Besides his mind?
House Republicans Declare Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ‘Definitely a Republican’
–– Maybe if he had shiny brown nose.
CBS Cut Down Trump’s Kennedy Center Remarks to Two Minutes, Didn’t Use New Name
–– Dropped emcee hammer.
Kennedy Center Honors hosted by Trump tanks in ratings with 35% fewer viewers than last year: report
–– 25% of viewers Kiss fans, rest kiss-ass fans.
Trump Sends Cryptic Message to Democrats: ‘Enjoy What May Be Your Last Merry Christmas!’
–– Occasionally one needs to stop, take breath, remember this is holiday message from President of the United States.
Donald Trump Rages Over ‘Pathetic Trainwreck’ Stephen Colbert, Says CBS Should Cancel His Show Now: ‘Put Him to Sleep’
–– See above.
Republican lawmaker shredded for posting AI images of himself beating up Santa on Christmas morning
–– Is he elfin' crazy?
Senator Offers Holiday Wishes While Sitting Next to Taxidermied Alligator: ‘You Can Find God’s Love Everywhere’
–– Kennedy so proud he stuffed dead critter before taxidermist.
DOJ Email Warns That Trump Flew on Epstein’s Private Jet More Times Than They Realized, Including with Potential Witnesses
–– Were BFFs –– Best Fiends Forever.
Trump Accused of Rape in New Batch of Epstein Files as DOJ Says They Contain ‘Unfounded and False’ Claims Against President
–– ‘Though entirely believable.’
Jeffrey Epstein Wrote in Apparent Suicide Note to Larry Nassar That Donald Trump 'Shares Our Love of Young, Nubile Girls'
–– DOJ claims it's fake –– more proof, please.
Deputy Attorney General says redactions still being made to Epstein documents "to protect victims"
–– ‘And there’s no bigger victim than the greatest president in the history of any country, our Jesus who they want to crucify, the most…’ Blanche’s voice trailed off in sobs.
Deputy Attorney General says it’s ‘laughable’ DOJ would take down photos from Epstein files because of Trump
–– In ‘monster’s flunky’ sense.
Top DOJ official denies there's any effort to redact mentions of President Trump from Epstein files
–– In effect confirming frenzied effort.
–– How about 'assisted' suicide?
Marjorie Taylor Greene Tears Into Trump After Latest Epstein Files Release: ‘Only Evil People Would Hide This’
–– Only murderers in the building.
DOJ says it has found over a million additional documents potentially related to Epstein
–– Checked under 50,000 gallon redaction fluid vat.
Trump says New York Times a ‘serious threat’ to national security after Epstein piece
–– Adding, unexpectedly, ‘L'État, c'est moi!’
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor appears to have asked Ghislaine Maxwell for ‘new inappropriate friends,’ Epstein files show
–– Was feeling rap… er, rakish.
–– Antichrist spare?
Even if the Supreme Court rules Trump’s global tariffs are illegal, refunds are unlikely because that would be ‘very complicated,’ Hassett says
–– Sometimes abrogating Constitution, extorting billions can be.
Ted Cruz weighs another presidential run, setting up clash with Vance
–– Breaks stupid scale.
Mitt Romney says the U.S. is on a cliff—and taxing the rich is now necessary ‘given the magnitude of our national debt’
–– Cliff notes version.
Patel Purchases New Fleet of Luxury Armored BMWs to Be 'Less Conspicuous' During Outings
–– He always sticks out like sore scum.
Trump says Venezuela stole U.S. oil, land and assets. Here’s the history.
–– Chief Sitting Bull, ‘Talk about it!’
Critics Sink Trump's Bonkers Battleship Plans: 'Got The Design From G.I. Joe'
–– Just in time to respond to Pearl Harbor.
Joe Rogan Mocks Trump’s ‘Crazy’ Biden Plaque in White House: ‘You Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Do This’
–– Due to plaque in arteries to brain.
Trump told a Fox News host that the massive White House ballroom is ‘a monument to myself’
–– Would need to be 10x bigger to approximate his emptiness.
In major loss for Trump, Supreme Court blocks National Guard deployment to Chicago
–– Finally. Now where's damned tariff decision?
Trump Judge Gives ICE an Ultimatum Over ‘Demonstrably False’ Claims
–– After Trump ultimatum that all ICE claims be false.
Stephen These gangs were banned from wearing their patches. Did it make a difference?
–– Only in providing Mad Dog Miller talking points.
Offers to Send Face-Tattooed Killer to CBS Producer’s Home: ‘They Will Spend One Day Overnight in Your Apartment’
–– Only thing scarier is if he did.
JD Vance Says He Hates Affirmative Action a ‘Million Times More’ Than Racist Insults Directed at His Family
–– Because he says same things about wife, kids as Nick Fuentes.
Nick Fuentes says he'll campaign against Vivek Ramaswamy in Ohio in slur-laced rant
–– Mighty bigot him.
MAGA Activist Laura Loomer Says Democrats 'Were Right' About Some Conservatives Being Neo-Nazis: 'It's Kind of Undeniable'
–– And non-neos always were.
Elon Musk's DOGE tally: The federal workforce is down while government spending is up
–– Achieving near impossible!
Ukraine’s president Zelensky appears to wish death to Putin in Christmas message
–– Was it singing Away in a Casket? It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cremation? Have Yourself a Murdered Little Christmas?
U.S. strikes ISIS in Nigeria after Trump warnings on Christian killings
–– Encourages genocide of all others.
Goldman Sachs CEO says he’d hire someone ‘smart enough’ over the smartest person in the world because ultimately experience trumps brains
–– And he knows he's not too bright.
Chase, rival US banks cut 100s of branches, leaving customers stranded
–– But we can still get clock radio if we open account, right?
’60 Minutes’ correspondent says CBS’s Bari Weiss abruptly pulled segment on Trump deportations
–– CECOT and destroy.
Bari Weiss Reportedly Explains to CBS News Staff in Private Call Why She Killed 60 Minutes Segment: ‘Did Not Advance the Ball’
–– One she fumbled?
Jesse Watters Wonders Aloud if Drinking Alcohol Is the Secret to Keeping a Job at Fox News
–– Sorta slurs question.
Larry Ellison’s $40 billion pledge to his son’s Paramount deal shows a shift in billionaire giving: Philanthropic capitalism is taking over
–– Or philanthropic piracy?
The Incident That Caused Chevy Chase's Lifetime Ban From 'Saturday Night Live'
–– Chased away.
Bowen Yang Tears Up During Farewell ‘SNL’ Skit: “I Just Feel So Lucky That I Ever Got to Work Here”
–– At least someone enjoyed tenure.
Simu Liu Knows Hollywood Won’t Cast Him as Bourne or Bond, So He’s Working on Plan B
–– Bore?
James Cameron Criticizes Amy Poehler’s Golden Globes Joke About His Marriage to Kathryn Bigelow Being Torture: ‘An Ignorant Dig’ That ‘Went Too Far’
–– 'And if she was my wife, I would've gagged her.'
Steven Spielberg Vowed Not to Work with Ben Affleck After an Alleged Pool Incident, Claims Director Mike Binder
–– Affleck, 'Hey, he should've put bathroom in pool house closer.'
Prime Video provides first taste of Nicolas Cage as John Madden in 'Madden' biopic
–– We taste ham.
Why Justine Bateman's “Family Ties” character stopped 'taking it' from TV brother Michael J. Fox
–– It wasn’t Game of Thrones.
Jon Hamm’s Friends Fear He’s Headed for a Midlife Crisis: ‘Spends A Lot of Time Out of the House’
–– Living Hamm to mouth?
Thandiwe Newton Says ‘Anaconda’ With Jack Black And Paul Rudd Pokes Fun At The Original ‘But With A Big Heart’
–– And eensy-weensy brain.
If you want to understand America, watch ‘Marty Supreme’
–– Certainly won’t make you understand Hollywood.
‘We bonded over losing very good friends in our mid-20s’: the candid, shoegazey dream-pop of Snuggle
–– And buttlazy.
I perform at a piano bar. The most requested song might surprise you.
–– Or sicken.
Sami Sheen, 21, Admits She's 'So Bad at Being an Adult' and Still Struggles with Paying Bills, Cooking and Doing Laundry
–– You should see her roll spliff.
Bing Crosby Choked Back Tears as He Performed 'White Christmas' for WWII Soldiers. Days Later, Many of Those Troops Were Killed
–– Following week Crosby’s kids choked back tears after he whupped them.
Dave Chappelle Says He Doesn’t “Feel Guilty at All” for Performing in Saudi Arabia: “Transgender Jokes Went Over Very Well”
–– Shoulda tried amputation material.
Alanis Morissette Has the Most Badass Response to Everyone Who Was 'Triggered' by Her Misuse of 'Ironic' in Her '90s Hit
–– “So I think because who is a linguist and then misuses a word, you know, what kind of person does that is where I go.” Badass or badmouth?
Where does Taylor Swift go from here?
–– Anywhere we don’t have to see or hear for years.
Avatar Star Oona Chaplin Reveals What Connects the Blockbuster Franchise to Grandfather Charlie Chaplin (Exclusive)
–– Pretty much this headline.
Josh Allen and Hailee Steinfeld Gifted His Offensive Lineman a 'Quarter of a Cow' for the Holidays
–– Hind quarter of Texas Longhorns lineman?
What a Christmas fruitcake or stollen shares with banh tet
–– Which Star Wars character was that?
The seepage of AI into Christian practice is disturbing
–– Like most backed-up toilets.
As A.I. Companies Borrow Billions, Debt Investors Grow Wary
–– When they stir from fentanyl binge.
It’s almost surreal how disappointing this surrealism show is
–– Dalí noted.
I Killed Color on My Phone. The Result Shocked Me.
–– Pantone had you arrested?
What It’s Like When Your Wife Goes on Testosterone
–– Ideal if you need beard.
Inside the Wolf’s Lair, the hidden forest headquarters where Hitler directed the war
–– To your left, the den, straight ahead, the dining howl…
Why Sears’s Last Great Hope Was a Promise That Never Materialized
–– They weren't seers.
Toss Your Butter Immediately If You Notice These Signs
–– 2. Hair on your toast.
Bankruptcies hit US spirit makers as Americans drink and spend less
–– Dispirited?
How Long Boxed Wine Really Stays Fresh — We Tasted 2 Boxes Week After Week
–– Are writing this from Bowery gutter.
As millions of Gen Zers face unemployment, CEOs of Amazon, Walmart, and McDonald’s say opportunity is still there—if you have the right mindset
–– Theirs being denial.
‘South Park’ creators clash with performers at their Colorado restaurant
–– À la Cartman.
The Oldest Restaurant in the World Just Turned 300 Years Old
–– And we're still waiting for check!
Why Wendy's founder Dave Thomas apologized to daughter for naming restaurant after her
–– The food sucks?
Florida man sues steakhouse after suffering ‘severe bodily injury’ when toilet he was using ‘shattered’ beneath him, suit says
–– Like 'blooming onion.'
Cause of Death Revealed for 'Thrill-Seeker' Who Fell from Spain’s Tallest Bridge After Telling Friend He 'Felt Sick’?
–– And cause of death?
Rob Reiner’s Son Nick Reiner Pretended to Be ‘Crazy’ to Get Access to Medication Years Before Arrest
–– Took method acting too far.
Albert Brooks Reacts to Rob Reiner’s Murder: “I’m Still in That Not Believing It Stage”
–– Cuts both ways.
Martin Scorsese Remembers Rob Reiner: ‘He Had a Beautiful Sense of Uninhibited Freedom’
–– As opposed to inhibited kind.
O.J. Simpson Houseguest Kato Kaelin Spotted At Rob Reiner Murder Scene: ‘Most Horrific Thing’
–– After vultures come maggots.
Brown places its vice president of public safety on leave as feds open investigation into safety after mass shooting
–– Brown out.
Brown University Custodian Warned Security of Suspect 'Casing' School for Weeks Before Shooting
–– Swept under carpet?
Female Serial Killer Rebecca Auborn Admits to Overdosing 4 Men She Met for Sex in Ohio in Court
–– Is their big singles scene in Ohio courts?
“I was once charged by a musk ox – and they can shift. Fortunately, I could shift faster than the photographer I was with..."
–– “He had to pay full tab.”
The Polar Bears of the Arctic are Evolving in Real Time
–– We could've sworn they existed on tape.
How we got dinosaurs spectacularly wrong for more than a century
–– We never asked them about their feelings.
Inside the bone-crushing mating rituals of dinosaurs
–– T. rex, 'Hey baby, you can crush my bone anytime.'
New Egyptian museum brings fresh pressure for return of Nefertiti’s bust
–– Unsatisfied with just head?
The Battle for the Rosetta Stone is hotting up - as experts fear Keir Starmer may cave in to Egypt
–– Can you translate?
Trump administration suspends 5 wind projects off the East Coast, cites national security concerns
–– Blown away.
Hundreds of residents signed up for FEMA buyouts after Helene. Not one has been approved.
–– Have been to Helene, back.
Amos Poe, New York Underground Filmmaker, Dies at 76
–– Under ground.
Beloved ex-‘Seinfield’ actor dead at 60: ‘As kind as he was brilliantly hilarious’
–– And totally forgettable.
