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BY NO MEANS NO
Week of 03/15/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Issues First Veto After Congress Rejects Border Emergency
–– Triggering Rational Emergency.

Brexit: MPs reject Theresa May's deal by 149 votes
–– May be ‘Not!’

Meet the 12 GOP senators who voted to terminate Trump’s national emergency
–– Share one spine.

Trump says 'there should be no Mueller report' in furious rant, as president escalates campaign to undermine Russia investigation
–– Threatens embargo on toner cartridges in DC.

Trump opens sage grouse habitat to oil and gas drilling
–– Unwise grouse wins.

Bernie Sanders stays on the stump after receiving stitches for head wound
–– Hopefully won't fall off again.

Donald Trump Twice Kisses Nancy Pelosi on the Cheek at the Capitol: 'He Views Her as Strong'
–– Would be ass if he really admired.

Actress nearly turned down 'Waterboy' role
–– Should've been sidelined.

Mike Krzyzewski: Nike's Top People Oversaw Making of Zion Williamson's New Shoes
–– Tongues hanging out.

The SEC is accusing Volkswagen and its former CEO of 'massive fraud'
–– Regulators Bug out.

Polish Church says 382 minors abused by clergy from 1990-2018
–– And 1356 miners.

Woman panhandling for her 'baby' had $500 purse and new iPhone X, according to police
–– Baby only had HTC ChaCha.

Beto O'Rourke To CBS's Gayle King: 'I've Got Experience' For 2020 Presidency
–– Binge-watched Veep.

In Beto O’Rourke’s Announcement, His Wife’s Silence Stands Out
–– Yeah, why didn’t she explain her platform.

Trump on Beto O'Rourke: 'Lot of hand movement...Is he crazy or just the way he acts?'
–– Causes a flap.

Rosario Dawson Confirms She’s Dating Presidential Contender Cory Booker: ‘So Far, So Wonderful’
–– Spare us Cory details.

R. Kelly sex tapes: from duffel bag to national circulation
–– You don’t want to see what else was in bag.

Right-wing Australian senator blames ‘immigration’ for New Zealand mosque attacks
–– Evil ‘aliens’ overwhelmed sick fuck’s brain.

The mass shooting in New Zealand was designed to spread on social media
–– World desperately needs anti-viral cure.

Facebook, YouTube and Twitter struggle to deal with New Zealand shooting video
–– Was awful lot of hits.

Why You Want to Eat This Baby Up: It’s Science
–– Cannibalology.

Graham blocks vote for public release of Mueller report
–– Ooh, that bad little boy gets extra spanky tonight in oval office.

HBO, John Varvatos Collaborate on 'Game of Thrones' Menswear Capsule
–– Will consumers swallow?

Aamir Khan Sets up ‘Forrest Gump’ Remake in India
–– ‘My mama always said life was like a box of nankhatai.’

Michael Bennett on Patriots Trade: Bill Belichick Is the 'Yoda of Football'
–– In terms of squat, ugly, unintelligible gurus.

Dick’s Sporting Goods removes guns and ammo from 125 stores
–– Move not at all Dickish.

Noah Syndergaard on the Odell Beckham Jr. trade: 'I don't know what the Giants are doing'
–– Kinda like Mets that way.

‘Billions,’ ‘Succession’ and the Making of Wealth Porn
–– We need more poverty smut.

Tesla’s Model Y is coming, but has this Model 3 owner's yearning been fulfilled?
–– Or has his 3rd model’s this week?

Tesla Model Y: Elon Musk's second electric SUV is here
–– Y?

Frank Cali, Reputed Gambino Family Mafia Boss, Shot Dead In Staten Island
–– Fatal dose of Staten’s.

10 things to know about the $4.7 trillion Trump budget
–– 10) There’s $45 bil contingency for additional pain, suffering to poor.
9) Designated ‘greatest budget ever submitted to Congress’ by Executive Order.
8) 1 in 4.7 trillion odds of passing.
7) $6 bil for hair care non-negotiable.
6) Military allocation determined by taking all weapons requests and multiplying by 6, total number of service branches (including Space Force, Trumptorian Guard.)
5) Cyber-security section includes handy dollars-to-rubles conversion table.
4) $1.5 bil to ‘Keep America Great’ fund isn’t what you think.
3) No collusion.
2) Jared did math.
1) Numbers don’t add up.

How Trump wants to whack Medicare and Medicaid spending
–– Whack-by-mole.

Trump’s budget request slashes retirement benefits for 2 million federal workers
–– Offset by Trump Tower commemorative plates reading ‘Thank You For Your Service.’

Boeing Works to Manage a Crisis With Unknown Costs
–– Needs crash course.

Wall Street Journal: Software fix to Boeing 737 Max 8 planes delayed in part by government shutdown
–– Process hit wall.

Boeing Promised Pilots a 737 Software Fix Last Year, but They’re Still Waiting
–– Instrument panels just show spinning beachball.

For Larger Customers, Eating Out Is Still a Daunting Experience
–– Because when they sit around restaurant, they really sit around.

Gov. Newsom will halt executions in California
–– You win some, you Newsom.

NIH and experts call for global moratorium on editing human embryos
–– Stet of siege.

Tebow undeterred by move to Minors
–– Or under turd?

Paul Manafort sentenced to total of 7.5 years in prison
–– Should be out in time to run Don Jr.’s presidential campaign.

New York Charges Manafort With 16 Crimes. If He’s Convicted, Trump Can’t Pardon Him.
–– Unless he belches loudly at sentencing.

Trump says he 'feels badly' for Manafort after sentencing, new charges
–– Reaches for genitals awkwardly, misses.

Britney Spears music coming to Broadway
–– Elmo impersonator singing Oops!… I Did it Again?

Kate Middleton wears Melania Trump's infamous Gucci p***y-bow blouse
–– Looks like a twat.

Woman allegedly killed daughter to keep her from having sex
–– Necrophiliac pedophiles ‘intrigued.’

Trump — After Reportedly Denying Saying 'Tim Apple' — Tweets That He Said It 'to Save Time & Words'
–– Apple turnover.

Trump’s conservative judges begin takeover of federal appeals courts
–– Expect bench-clearing brawl.

Olivia Newton-John Recalls Her 'Magic' 'Grease' Screen Test With John Travolta
–– And co-star’s disappearing hairline.

American Airlines kicked bachelorette party off flight to Mexico because the bride's mother 'looked drunk'
–– Hard to study eyes when braless, shirt over head.

Michael Cohen's attorney sends letter clarifying pardon testimony
–– In latest slang for ’muddying.’

Democratic senator says Biden 'all but certain' he'll run in 2020
–– Even if he can barely walk.

Which European city is the most affordable to visit?
–– Which wasn’t SSR.

Tucker Carlson refuses to apologize to "mob" for Bubba the Love Sponge comments
–– Should’ve sucked it up.

Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman among dozens charged in college bribery scheme
–– Desperate Housewives Foul House.

William H Macy Called Daughter’s College Application Process ‘Stressful’ Months Before Admissions Fraud Scandal
–– You betcha’.

David Mamet Defends Felicity Huffman For “Unfortunate” Role In Elite College Bribery Scandal
–– American buffaloed?

"I Am Sorry," Says Son of Accused College Cheater Jane Buckingham
–– Original quote: ”I em surry.’

Lori Loughlin's Influencer Daughter Could Be "Radioactive" for Brands After Scandal
–– Olivia Jade: “What evs, but, like, who wants to be on radio anyways?”

WTF, Olivia Jade Was on the USC Board of Trustees Chairman’s YACHT When the Cheating Scandal Broke
–– Totally Jaded.

Lori Loughlin and Her Husband Are 'Finding Out Who Their Real Friends Are' Amid Scandal: Source
–– May need to but new ones.

Really Smart Guy' Mark Riddell Who Aced Exams for Teens in College Admissions Scandal Speaks Out
–– ‘It’s like I got a proctorscopy.’

More than 12,000 cases of Pillsbury flour recalled over salmonella concerns
–– Doughboy rushed to hospital.

Nancy Pelosi: 'I'm not for impeachment,' slams Trump as 'not worth it'
–– But aren’t we?

How to Make Sex More Dangerous
–– Show us, show us!

Winklevoss twins on their bitcoin bet: 'Money is the oldest social network'
–– Expect twin kill loss.

‘It would ultimately come down to the use of force': What would happen if Trump refused to leave office after 2020 loss?
–– Pentagon has contingency plan involving trail of Quarter Pounders, cattle prod, large cage.

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft has assembled a legal dream team to handle his misdemeanor sex solicitation case; can they save him?
–– Or rub the wrong way?

Marco Rubio Says Venezuelan Explosion Occurred At 'German Dam,' Who Is A Journalist And Not A Dam
–– Confirms Israel Levee.

‘You hate America?': Bar faces backlash after bartender is filmed refusing to serve man in 'MAGA' visor
–– Figured he was already pissed.

Woman slashed stranger's SUV tires because she allegedly 'disagreed' with his MAGA hat inside
–– To cap it all off.

Woman gets attacked by bull in New Jersey, screams that it's going to 'kill her'
–– Tried to avoid taurus attraction.

Jennifer Lopez Engaged to Alex Rodriguez
–– We’ll take the high road, you take the Lo-Rod.

Jose Canseco’s Ex-Wife Jessica Breaks Her Silence on Alex Rodriguez Cheating Claim
–– Broid rage?

Inside Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Summit: Crystal Ear Seeds, Psychedelic Therapy, Perfume Orgasms
–– Just squirt on yourself.

What US airlines that fly the 737 MAX 8 are doing to keep passengers safe
–– Complementary chutes, life insurance policies.

White House Press Secretary ‘Not Aware’ of Trump Order to Block AT&T-Time Warner Merger
–– Huckabee Sanders too busy preparing for bi-annual briefings.

Anderson Cooper calls out Sarah Huckabee Sanders for leaving ‘the world of the factual behind’
–– In service to literal ass.

Carolee Schneemann, Visionary Feminist Performance Artist, Dies at 79
–– Carolee we roll along.

Houston Voted to Raise Firefighters’ Pay. Now the Mayor Says 400 Could Be Laid Off.
–– Fire hosed.

Twitter Rips Devin Nunes After He Whines About 'Socialist' Plastic 'Straw Police'
–– Straw dog.

Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Capitalism as an ‘Irredeemable’ System
–– Republicans: ‘Just keep talkin’, baby.’

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez believes we should be excited about automated jobs
–– Maybe Alexa should do hers.

Melania Trump 'mistook former female Australia FM for partner'
–– Mistook wallaby for Tiffany.

Adam Schiff: Erik Prince Lied When He Said He Told Congress About Trump Tower Meeting
–– Prince harming.

SXSW: Democratic Presidential Contender John Delaney Questions Party’s Direction
–– Party questions his existence.

Malaysia frees Indonesian woman accused of Kim Jong Nam's poisoning
–– A little background: she poisoned him.

John Oliver trashes Trump for signing bibles after Alabama tornadoes
–– During whirlwind tour.

John Oliver Robocalls FCC to Urge Crackdown on Robocalls
–– Spoof positive.

Buttigieg asked if Pence would be better than Trump
–– And if he prefers measles to mumps.

A doctor in California used a video-link robot to tell a patient he was going to die. The man's family is upset
–– Talk about badside manner.

Jane Fonda Calls For Hollywood to "Invest as Much in Saving Films as Making Them"
–– ‘Imagine they’re your 81-year-old face at a premier.’

Michael Jackson’s Molestation Trial: 10 Bizarre Details You Didn’t Know or Totally Forgot
–– 3) Everyone in America already figured he was pedophile.

Paris Jackson defends father Michael Jackson: “chillax my dudes”
–– What papa told kiddies.

’SNL’s’ Pete Davidson on Michael Jackson and R. Kelly: ‘You Just Have to Admit They’re Bad People’
–– Spake America’s moral authority.

Real Estate Mogul Taunts Ex-Wife With 42-Foot-Tall Photo of New One
–– Real estate mogul’s are insensitive?!!

Fox News' Jeanine Pirro questions Ilhan Omar's hijab
–– Head covering too smart to answer.

Jeanine Pirro: Ilhan Omar’s Hijab May Be ‘Antithetical’ To The Constitution
–– Violates 2nd Amendment’s prohibition against establishment of fashions that make Caucasians nervous.

Box Office: 'Captain Marvel' Flies to Historic $153M in U.S., $455M Globally
–– Empowering Disney shareholders who are almost definitely all female.

Why It’s Actually Great That ‘Captain Marvel’ Is Just Fine
–– We just don’t have enough crap movies.

How 'Captain Marvel' Avoided Female Superhero Cliches
–– By employing generic superhero clichés.

Maduro and Guaido hold rival rallies amid huge blackout in Venezuela
–– Remains to be seen.

High schooler 'regrets' accepting dare to jump into shark tank at California aquarium
–– Shark regrets he didn’t stay for lunch.

A jaguar attacked a woman taking a picture at a zoo in Arizona
–– Smiled for camera before pouncing.

Woman attacked by jaguar says Arizona zoo should consider 'moving fence'
–– To give cat a little challenge.

Report: 'Pharma Bro' found using contraband cell in prison
–– Kept in rectum with selfie stick, laptop, meth lab.

Elizabeth Warren: 'I am not a' Democratic Socialist
–– DNA test suggests she might be 0.09 to 1.5%.

R. Kelly leaves jail after posting bail, saying, 'We're going to straighten all this stuff out'
–– Doesn’t court believe he can fly?

Boat’s collision with 'marine creature' leaves 87 injured
–– Gamera ‘shaken up.’

Ilhan Omar suggests Obama was a 'pretty face who got away with murder'
–– She’s one who won’t.

Trump: Founder of alleged prostitution spa 'sold Chinese businessmen access to president’
–– And ‘happy wet handshake.’

Why Jordan Peele Didn’t Smoke as Much Weed While Writing ‘Us’ as He Did for ‘Get Out’
–– But why you might need to viewing it.

In South Africa’s Fabled Wine Country, White and Black Battle Over Land
–– Not white and red?

'SMILF' Canceled at Showtime Amid Probe Into Creator Frankie Shaw's Alleged Misconduct
–– Shaw ‘nuff.


MANAFORT DESTINY
Week of 03/08/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Paul Manafort sentenced to 47 months in prison
–– Lucky he wasn't dealing weed.

Was Paul Manafort’s Sentence Too Light?
–– Was crime too white?

Trump Reacts To Paul Manafort Sentence: 'I Feel Very Badly For' Him
–– ‘Not Putin, or Lil' Kim bad, but, still…'

Pro-Trump Manafort Juror Paula Duncan Warns Against Pardon: He 'Needs To Pay The Price'
–– ‘Especially when it’s such a bargain.’

Judge Says Manafort Led An 'Otherwise Blameless Life.' His Resume Says Otherwise.
–– For professional scumbag.

Mueller Hammers Manafort's Lack of Remorse as Sentencing Nears
— Hummed Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien throughout trial.

Trump's New Attorney General Won't Recuse Himself in Mueller Probe
— Should totally be Barred.

Trump would be ‘disappointed' if North Korea rebuilding missile launch facility
— Might text Slightly Frowning Face.

Satellite images show activity at North Korean missile site, reports say
— Believed to be Kim, generals partying.

Miami Herald: Trump watched Super Bowl with ex-owner of spa linked to Kraft arrest
–– Gave him big hand.

State by state, more gun ownership equals more mass shootings, study shows
–– File under D for D’oh.

Ex-wife of $273 million lottery winner does not want him back: 'I have morals'
–– 'But exactly how much is that after taxes again?'

Stormy Daniels’ Lawsuit Against Trump Over Nondisclosure Agreement Tossed by Judge
–– Her lips were never sealed.

What to Know About Alex Trebek’s Incurable, Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer
–– Is in headline.

'Jeopardy!' winner Ken Jennings recounts his 'perfect moment' with Alex Trebek
–– What is TMI.

Jussie Smollett indicted on 16 felony counts, faces up to 64 years in prison
–– States hate crime.

A 4th-grader's teacher made him wash off his ashes after Mass on Ash Wednesday
–– And replace with ink pentagram!

’Captain Marvel' Sandbagged on Rotten Tomatoes Within a Few Hours of Opening
–– Skrull through comments.

With Streaks of Gray Hair, Xi Jinping of China Breaks With Tradition
–– Shoe polish stocks plunge.

LaCroix maker's CEO blames poor results on 'injustice'
–– Quarterly results watered down.

The president just called the CEO of Apple ‘Tim Apple’
–– Reflecting core stupidity.

Goldman Sachs relaxes dress code for all employees
–– Making it more comfortable to garotte competitors.

Lynne Patton, a Trump housing official, says she has presidential OK for reality TV
–– Entitled Patttonly Offensive.

Jason Priestley posts heart-wrenching tribute to Beverly Hills, 90210 costar Luke Perry
–– Bloody poor adjective discussing stroke victim.

Former mob boss Carmine 'The Snake' Persico dies at 85
–– Bites it.

‘Airwolf’ Star Jan-Michael Vincent Dies at 73
–– Bailed.

Dan Jenkins, Sports Writing Great and Author, Dies at 89
–– To be buried in sand trap.

Red Sox pitcher Steven Wright suspended 80 games for failed PED test
–– Promises to study harder.

Lucille Ball Was Using Poppers to 'Ease Pains in Her Chest and Heart': Forensic Pathologist
— And occasional speedBall.

What does Ivanka Trump do?
— Besides really grate on nerves?

Ann Coulter Mocks Ivanka Trump as ‘Very High Powered’: Says Democrats Must ‘Want Documents on Belts and Handbags’
— Accessories to crime?

There's now only one Blockbuster left on the planet
— And it only stocks Gerard Butler movies.

Flip-flop fines introduced in Italy's Cinque Terre
— To affect thongs of tourists.

‘Never a threat to humans': Australian town mourns beloved crocodile shot in the head
— Suicide feared.

A dean is stepping down over her university's decision to drop Chick-fil-A
— Makes clean breast of it.

Dead gardener may have taken revenge from beyond the grave
— Plot thickens.

Seafood fraud is dangerous—and running rampant, report finds
— Catfish observed wearing fake whiskers.

John Kelly Unloads: Working for Trump Was Awful, and His Wall Is Stupid
— Surprise!

Children's Place and Gap are buying most of what's left of bankrupt Gymboree
–– Investors not doing cartweels.

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announces 2020 presidential campaign
–– Orders 500,000 double-wide buttons.

Trump refuses to hand over ‘Kushner clearance’ documents to Congress: ‘It’s a disgrace’
— Why they want docs.

Pompeo: Trump is confronting Obama's foreign policy failures in Venezuela, other hot spots
— By creating way bigger ones of own.

First lady Melania Trump hits the road to promote her 'Be Best' campaign
— Well, bully for her.

Nearly 200 people in Texas immigration detention facilities have contracted mumps
— Doctors insist virus entered country illegally.

Wrestling star King Kong Bundy dies at 61
— Originally called self Ted.

Grandma goes viral after posing in iceberg and drifting away: ‘I thought it was safe’
— ‘At least that's what the granddaughter I just wrote into my will told me.’

Democrats Plan Anti-Semitism Measure After Omar’s Remarks
— If plan means 'clumsily cobble together in panic.'

House Votes to Condemn All Hate as Anti-Semitism Debate Overshadows Congress
–– Related bill commends kittens, puppies.

Pope Francis announces opening of Secret Archives of ‘Hitler’s Pope’
— Stored in Vatican vault next to Nazi gold.

Who’s getting requests from House Dems in new probe
— Male Republicans over 35.

Bernie Sanders on 'The Breakfast Club' is a 'no' on slavery reparations
— Like totally rebel Judd Nelson.

JPMorgan Ends Financing of Private Prisons After Criticism
— In case government ever decides to prosecute law-breaking bankers.

Rudy Giuliani ‘left open the possibility’ of pardoning Michael Cohen after FBI raid
— Like a drunk’s unzippered fly.

Cohen sues Trump Organization, wants it to pay legal bills
–– Showing some of chutzpah Trump first saw in him.

Preethi Reddy: Body of missing Australian dentist found inside suitcase as suspect dies in car crash
— Authorities extracted filling.

French jihadist Jean-Michel Clain killed in Syria: wife
— Jihad luck.

Venezuela's Guaido vows to paralyze public sector to squeeze Maduro
— Though hard to squeeze when paralyzed.

Ted Baker CEO Ray Kelvin quits after allegations of 'forced hugging'
–– Hip huggers no longer in fashion.

Diana Rigg to Receive Variety Icon Award at Canneseries
–– In Rigged vote.

Nunes: ‘I want everything that Mueller did made public’
–– Especially if it includes everything Nunes did.

Jay Inslee Is Running for President
–– In sleep.

S.C. Mayor Says ‘Yellow Sticky Substance’ on Her Car Was Sprayed by Vandals, Police Say It’s Just Pollen
–– Questioning homey bees.

Paul Manafort wants sentence ‘significantly below’ guidelines in Virginia
–– And unicorn pony.

Egypt’s top cleric calls polygamy 'injustice,' draws debate
–– 'Not married' to opinion.

Beto O’Rourke Attends Metallica Show Instead of Making Presidential Bid
–– Lars Ulrich for Secretary of Health because his playing is so sick, dude!

Elizabeth Warren vows to break up Amazon, Facebook and Google if elected president
–– Bezos, Zuckerberg, Pichai already chuckling.

Elizabeth Warren Says Pence Is Not a Decent Man, Blasts 'Most Corrupt Administration in Living Memory'
–– Even undead can't remember worse one.

Oregon man trapped with his dog 5 days in snowbound car ate taco sauce packets
–– While imagining how arroz con perro tastes.

Johnny Depp sues ex-wife Amber Heard for $50M, claiming defamation, affair with Elon Musk
–– So-called 'high-speed tunnel project.'

Mitzi Hoag, Actress on 'The Facts of Life' and 'Here Come the Brides,' Dies at 86
–– Must be slow death day.

Nathaniel Taylor, Actor on 'Sanford and Son,' Dies at 80
–– Was no Mitzi Hoag.

The Life of a Comment Moderator for a Right-Wing Website
–– Or Welcome to Hell.

Can Israel Survive Without Netanyahu? Israelis Imagine the Future
–– Might have to close country.

Drug Companies and Doctors Battle Over the Future of Fecal Transplants
–– Real shitstorm.

Tom Brady's Funny Reaction to His Trading Card Selling for $400k: 'I’m Cleaning Out My Basement!'
–– Ask moron buyer to lick floor.

Giants CEO Larry Baer seen pulling wife to the ground in video
–– And reputation to toilet.

Amazon Alarms Dow Jones Antiques as Elon Musk Shuts Superficial Tesla ‘Stores’
–– You tell us.

How the hallway 'pizza intern' became the viral star during Michael Cohen's testimony
–– Sneezed on pie.

Matt Gaetz Apologizes To Michael Cohen For Personal Threat: 'I Made A Mistake'
–– Then threatens to break legs if he tells anyone about it.

‘Tomboy’ fights dress code banning girls from wearing pants at graduation: 'It's kind of insane'
–– Skirt's the issue.

Sully, George H.W. Bush's Former Service Dog, Has Found a New Calling
–– And new carpets to sully.

'Simpsons' producer pulls episode featuring Michael Jackson
–– Cartoon kids couldn’t relive trauma.

The Asking Price for Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch Was Just Dramatically Reduced
–– ‘No children’ clause remains.

Mountain lion strangled by Colorado man was orphaned cougar cub
–– Animal Rights activists will soon have runner charged with murder.

Student had to bring his baby daughter to class so his professor watched her so he could pay attention
–– Class not in headline writing.

DEA, New York law enforcement raid alleged NY drug mill, recover enough fentanyl to kill 2 nearly million people
–– Or help 2.25 million sleep soundly.

Falwell Jr. calls Ocasio-Cortez 'stupid' and 'a liar' — and invites her to speak at Liberty University
–– Because faculty’s full of stupid liars.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in ‘Bananaland’: Fox News Contributor Slams Green New Deal in Unicorns-and-Cannibalism Tirade
–– Pundits slipping on appeal.

Amy Klobuchar Jokes About Enjoying Salad With 'a Pinch of Dandruff' During Gridiron Dinner
–– Combing for laughs.

Fractured after vote against LGBT clergy, weddings, United Methodists face possible split
–– On schism trail.

Trump calls Russia investigation ‘bull****’ and hugs American flag in off-script CPAC speech
–– Old Glory’s #metoo moment.

CPAC used to be about conservative ideas -- now it's just a circus
–– About clowns’ ideas.

Black man becomes head of neo-Nazi group he intends to destroy
–– Dap to replace Sieg Heil.

Critics Demand That John Wayne Airport Be Renamed After Actors’ White Supremacy’ Comment
–– True git.

How the Trump-Kim Summit Failed: Big Threats, Big Egos, Bad Bets
–– Small brains.

Donald Trump: Otto Warmbier Parents “Misinterpreted” Remark Exonerating Kim Jon Un In Son’s Death
–– ‘Stupidly listened to my words.’

John Bolton says North Korea owes full explanation over Otto Warmbier's death
–– 'If they'd just thoroughly annotate denial.'

Warner: Trump has 'consistently been willing to override the advice' of intel community
–– Like Monster Truck crushing subcompact.

‘Astronaut’ dummy Ripley rides aboard SpaceX's Crew Dragon bound for space station
–– Believe it or not.


FIXER DOWNER
Week of 03/01/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Fmr prosecutor: Michael Cohen opened a 'Pandora's box' of Trump 'crimes'
–– Box Trump bragged about grabbing.

Opium-addicted parrots plague poppy farmers
–– Polly wanna a crackhead?

Michael Cohen’s Testimony Portrays President Trump as a Serial Grifter
–– Direct from horse’s ass’ mouth.

Michael Cohen: Trump sent letters to his schools threatening them not to release his test scores
–– Effin’ ridiculous.

Fordham confirms that Trump team threatened the school if his grades became public
–– Epic fail.

I was one of the 500 people Michael Cohen threatened
–– Had to take number.

Tlaib: Lawmakers 'gasped' when Meadows brought up black Trump employee
–– Massa contradictions.

Lynne Patton, Trump official at Cohen hearing, claimed he only ‘turned’ when Mueller threatened wife
–– Patton of deception.

Why did Trump need to employ a professional liar?
–– Because idiot savant is world’s most gifted amateur.

Rep. Matt Gaetz Threatens Donald Trump’s Former Fixer Michael Cohen On Eve Of Testimony
–– Congressman from Tamper, FL.

Matt Gaetz under investigation by the Florida Bar for Tweet at Michael Cohen
–– Gaetz crasher.

Alec Baldwin, fellow stars react to Michael Cohen hearing: He deserves a 'Medal of Honor
–– How about ‘Distinguished Service Double Cross’?

Trump’s Talks With Kim Jong-un Collapse Over North Korean Sanctions
–– Folded like Pyongyang suitcase.

'Sometimes you have to walk': Why Trump bailed on North Korea
–– ‘As long as you don’t have to talk and chew gum at the same time.’

Trump-Kim summit: US president emerges the 'biggest loser'
–– And not in pounds-lost sense.

Trump-Kim summit: North Korea says it will not change stance
–– Stubby legs spread, belly low, shoulders slouched.

North Korea contradicts Trump's account of negotiations. State Dept. official says NK is 'parsing words'
–– Doesn’t parse smell test.

Trump absolves Kim Jong Un of responsibility for Otto Warmbier’s death
–– Goes over like warm beer.

Trump and Kim are sharing a meal
–– With side of crow courtesy of Cohen.

White House Bars Some Reporters From Trump-Kim Dinner In Vietnam
–– Springs roles.

90K bottles of Russian vodka believed to be for Kim Jong Un seized by Dutch customs
–– Goof proof.

Sam Nunberg: Trump throws people out like ‘garbage’
–– ‘Even ones unlike me.’

Singer Jerry Lee Lewis suffers minor stroke
–– Doctors: ‘Whole lotta shakin’ going on.’

Brandon Nimmo Proudly Sent His Wife a Photo of the Chicken That Made Him Sick
–– Was pretty fowl.

Walmart faces backlash for marketing video featuring gay men on a blind date
–– Had to be blindfolded to end up there.

‘’Dog Park Debbie' calls the police on man whose puppy mounted her dog: 'That's inappropriate'
–– Ho-hump.

Mountain lion killed by Colorado trail runner was a kitten, necropsy report says
–– Victim kitty-cornered.

Starbucks fans fight over limited edition 'cat paw cups' in China
–– Scratching, clawing.

Semi-identical twins are rare, and doctors say they've identified the second case ever
–– Semi-identical to first case.

Gap and Old Navy are splitting up
–– Mind the Gap.

HBO’s Richard Plepler, tastemaker behind TV hits like ‘Game of Thrones, quits
–– Knew it was time when AT&T sent invite to Red Wedding.

Trump Ordered Officials to Give Jared Kushner a Security Clearance
–– And gold-leafed Bathroom Pass.

Virginia first lady handed out cotton to African-American children on slave cottage tour, mother says
–– To which parents did not cotton.

Aston Martin shares have plunged 40% since October
–– Q’s ejector seat now standard equipment.

Mets’ Frazier out indefinitely with oblique injury
–– Team lucky he made it through week of Spring Training.

Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu to be indicted on corruption charges, pending hearing
–– Bibi kink.

Man who went viral for buying $540 of Girl Scout cookies arrested in DEA drug bust
–– We knew he had federal-level munchies.

Saved from Pakistani mob, downed Indian pilot becomes face of Kashmir crisis
–– Crisis apparently has memorable mustache.

Lost Caravaggio painting found in attic could fetch $171 million at auction
–– Scholars stunned Renaissance master worked on black velvet.

Rembrandt in the Blood: An Obsessive Aristocrat, Rediscovered Paintings and an Art-World Feud
–– Forging ahead?

Weight Watchers is getting crushed by keto
–– Throwing weight around.

A cramped Pennsylvania apartment hid broken glass, overturned furniture and five dead family members
–– Listing: up and coming neighborhood, close to transportation.

Lil Dicky Comedy Ordered to Series at FX
–– Encourages Wee Willy.

Republicans force climate-related hearing to adjourn after only 2 Democrats show up
–– Then leave to rebury heads in sand.

Daniel Barenboim Seemed Untouchable. Now He’s Accused of Bullying.
–– Questions of how he conducted self.

800-Year-Old Crusader Mummy’s Head Is Stolen From Dublin Church
–– Pickled in Irish Whiskey.

Jake Tapper Shreds Don Jr.'s Brazen Lie That Mueller Found ‘No Actual Crimes’
–– ‘I mean he never even found where dad buried the bodies.’

Donald Trump Boasts (Without Explaining How) That Daughter Ivanka Trump 'Created Millions of Jobs'
–– In Third World sweatshops?

So Long to St. Mark’s Comics
–– Hits a nerd.

Emma Thompson On Exiting Skydance’s ‘Luck’ Because Of John Lasseter: “I Can Only Do What Feels Right”
–– Which was Lasseter’s defense.

Taliban: ‘No foreigners will be allowed’ when in charge
–– Can see why they get along with Trump negotiators.

Jeraldine Saunders Dies: Author & Creator Of ‘The Love Boat’ Was 96
–– Went down with ship.

Talk Talk Frontman Mark Hollis Dies at 64
–– In chatter box.

Flagstaff, Arizona had the snowiest day in its history
–– Nearly reaches half-mast.

86 tons of Boston Market frozen meals recalled because they may be contaminated with glass or plastic
–– As long as pork ribs are boneless.

Target tries to capitalize on Victoria's Secret's struggles
–– And get into their panties.

Rosenstein on Bill Barr: 'We can count on him to do the right thing
–– Don’t make us Barrf.

Microsoft CEO defends US military contract that some employees say crosses a line
–– Teeny, mushy line.

Dog catches 83-yard frisbee throw
–– Smeared with peanut butter.

French Court Dismisses Rape Allegations Against Luc Besson
–– Still charged with crimes against cinema.

Lt. Gov. Fairfax compares allegation to lynching
–– He choked women, too?

5G is coming: what can we expect?
–– Instantaneous moronic opinions.

Federal judge rules male-only draft is unconstitutional
–– Co-ed military cemeteries mandatory.

How Lindsey Graham Went From Trump Skeptic to Trump Sidekick
–– To Trump Suckdick.

AOC: ‘Is It Still Okay to Have Children’ in the Age of Climate Change
–– Don’t do us any favors.

ILLUMINATI? Merkel makes 'diamond Illuminati sign' TWICE at summit with Theresa May
–– Or does ‘Here’s the church, here’s the steeple’ for childish colleague?

REVEALED: Kim Jong-un’s BRUTAL purges see officials fed to DOGS - ‘COUNTLESS’ executions
–– Then DOGS fed to OFFICIALS.

Melissa McCarthy reportedly used CBD cream for Oscars red carpet foot pain, but can it really help?
–– Viewers should’ve rubbed on eyeballs.

Zoe Kravitz wears $24K sheer gold bra at Oscars afterparty
–– Should’ve saved for Golden Globes.

Olivia Colman Hints That She Wanted Glenn Close to Win Her Oscar
–– Close, but no Oscar.

‘Pose’ Star Billy Porter Dons a Christian Siriano Tuxedo Gown at the Oscars
–– Fret-à-Porter.

Rami Malek Fell Off the Stage After Oscar Win, Treated by Paramedics
–– Charged with Malekpractice.

Trump Calls Spike Lee's Oscar Acceptance Speech a "Racist Hit on Your President"
–– Did the Far Right thing.

Trevor Noah had the biggest Oscars joke you didn't get
— Like most of his gags.

Oscars Attendees at Four Seasons Gifted $13,500 Boozy Axe-Throwing Experience
–– On receiving end, hopefully.

Boots Riley Finishes Incendiary Venezuela-Centered Spirit Award Speech Backstage
–– Maduro Max II.

Snake on a Plane: Australian python makes 9,000-mile flight in woman's shoe
–– Better than compression socks.

Harry Reid wishes for George W. Bush again 'every day'
–– Also misses Entourage, E.coli, hemorrhoids.

Peter Frampton Reveals Degenerative Disease Diagnosis Ahead of Farewell Tour
–– Won’t need talk box on Show Me the Way.

Trump touts 4th of July event, says it will be 'one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C.'
–– In the pen, dunce day.

The acting defense secretary fired a weapon at the border. Here's why that's unusual
–– Wasn’t aiming at Mexican.

He spent 39 years in prison for a double murder he didn't commit. Now, he's getting $21 million
–– Finally makes killing.

‘You didn't vote for me': Senator Dianne Feinstein responds to young green activists
–– Statement of fact to underaged props met with horror, dismay.

What We’ve Learned Since Our Son Revealed He Was Depressed
–– It’s us.

No regrets for woman who stuck by Islamic State through defeats
–– Die hard. Please.

Girl banned from wearing MAGA hat claims school is violating her First Amendment rights
–– And denying itsy little brain protection.

'It's very sad': Trump reacts to Patriots owner Robert Kraft's soliciting prostitution charges
–– Rubbed him the wrong way.

Patriots Owner, Finance Titans Caught in Prostitution Sting
–– By tiny pricks.

Robert Kraft 'categorically' denies soliciting sex at spa after police said he was filmed twice in the act
–– Says it wan’t in column A or Column B of menu.

Alaska senator says she's likely to back Trump disapproval
–– Backed Alaska.

Sen. Warren: US needs to address 'ugly history of racism'
–– ‘Especially against my peoples.’

’Mueller’s Found A Coven' In So-Called Witch Hunt, Ex-DOJ Official Says
–– Hexcellent!

Waiting for the Trump-Kim Nobel Peace Prize
–– T-Shirt being printed at Cafe Press even now.

A Multimillion-Dollar Payday, at the Carwash
–– Rags to riches.

Pope Francis Ends Landmark Meeting by Calling for ‘All-Out Battle’ to Fight Sexual Abuse
–– The Cruiseaids.

Toxic moonshine kills 133 people and leaves hundreds hospitalized in India
–– Still as death.

Adam Levine's Nipples During Super Bowl Spark Complaints to FCC About Gender Equality
–– From 50 or so utter tits.

Alabama newspaper editor who urged Klan to 'ride again' replaced by African-American woman
–– Affirmative action 2019.

Stanley Donen, Director of Iconic Movie Musicals, Dies at 94
–– Sinkin’ in the rain.

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