Twilight Zoned
Week of 11/28/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Shorter Days, Signs of Fatigue: Trump Faces Realities of Aging in Office
–– Senesce majority leader.
It’s time to end the filibuster
–– From man full of bluster.
Donald Trump Rages Against New York Times Over ‘Hit Piece’ That Said ‘I Am Perhaps Losing My Energy,’ Calls Female Reporter ‘Ugly Both Inside and Out’
–– Like being called ugly by late-stage Dorian Gray.
Federal judge dismisses indictments against Letitia James and James Comey, saying Lindsey Halligan appointment was unlawful
–– ‘Though pretty comical.’
Judge dismisses cases against James Comey and Letitia James.
–– Could he please throw large book at Lindsey Halligan’s head?
White House blew past legal concerns in deadly strikes on drug boats
–– Blew Trump on way.
Republican Lawmaker, Whose Daughter Has Down Syndrome, Condemns Trump's Use of the R-Word
–– OK with all his other language that condemned sick, needy?
Trump uses turkey pardons to hit Biden, 'big fat slob' JB Pritzker
–– His version of giving the bird.
Confused Trump, 79, Mistakenly Amplifies Calls to Impeach Himself
–– Or rare moment of clarity?
Second-Term Tab For Trump’s Golf Hobby Tops $70 Million, On Track To Exceed $300 Million
–– And that's with Eric caddying for lumps of sugar.
Trump wants a bigger White House ballroom. His architect disagrees.
–– He needs bigger balls.
Georgia prosecutor ends 2020 election interference case against Trump, allies
–– Kicked in Fani.
Dear JAG: What Do I Do if I Get Unlawful Orders to Blow Up Civilian Boats
–– JAG off.
Intelligence on U.S. Military’s Boat Strikes Is Limited
— Starting with Hegseth.
Trump says US land action against alleged drug trafficking networks in Venezuela will start ‘very soon’
–– Nuts Cararacas.
Trump says Venezuela airspace should be considered 'closed in its entirety'
–– Instructs Hegseth to float baloons to mark parameters.
Sen. Kelly says Pete Hegseth 'unqualified' after being bashed over display of medals
–– Heavy medal banned.
FBI seeks interviews with Democrats who urged US troops to defy illegal orders
–– Wants Kathy Gifford to conduct them.
Patel Under Scrutiny for Use of SWAT Teams to Protect His Girlfriend
–– More TWAT Team.
Keystone Kash Vows to Track Down National Guard Shooter Already in Hospital
–– Holds gun to nurse's head, demands room number.
'You’re a Stupid Person!’ Trump Lashes Out at Reporter For Asking About Vetting of Suspected Afghan Shooter
–– Nearly vets himself.
U.S. halts all asylum decisions, pauses visas for Afghan nationals
–– Typically logical decision from White House Asylum.
DOJ acknowledges Kristi Noem made decision to continue deportation flights to El Salvador despite judge’s order
–– What used to be known as 'broke the law.'
Secret Tulsi Gabbard team entered CIA warehouse on ‘a mission’ to retrieve JFK, MLK assassination files
–– Lee Harvey asswad.
What Happened to Jack Ruby? What to Know About the Nightclub Owner's Life After He Murdered Lee Harvey Oswald on Live TV
–– Ask Tulsi.
Lara Trump Admits to Bill Maher That the President Should Denounce ‘Little Pr*ck’ Nick Fuentes ‘More Forcefully’
–– But realizes little pr*cks need to stick together.
The raunchy sex-act RFK Jr. texted about with Olivia Nuzzi, according to her ex Ryan Lizza
–– He felch for it?
Trump administration's effort to end 1960s school desegregation cases faces a hurdle
–– Not every judge a racist troglodyte.
MTG Snaps at MAGA as They Turn Against Her Over Her Resignation
–– Make A-hole Greene Angry.
The case of a felon who paid lobbyists nearly $1 million to seek a Trump pardon
–– One for Law & Order: Special Vermin Unit.
Sen. Jim Justice, wife to pay $5 million in back taxes to settle IRS suit
–– Apt that obese tax-cheat coal-mining heir sits on Nutrition, Small Business and Entrepreneurship, and Energy and Natural Resources Committees.
Karoline Leavitt, 28, Moans That Job Puts Pressure on Marriage to Husband, 60
–– Only time he makes her moan.
The mayor-elect says he didn’t meet with the president “to make a point or make a stand,” but to “deliver for New Yorkers.”
–– Shows DoorDash bag to prove it.
GOP lawmakers have deep misgivings about Trump’s emerging Ukraine peace deal
–– They read copies translated from Cyrillic?
Putin says US plan could be ‘basis’ of a Ukraine deal but threatens to take land by force if Kyiv doesn’t withdraw
–– That sounds just like peace.
Trump Comically Explains His Much-Derided Peace Plan Was Only ‘Concept’ Of a Plan
–– So a ‘basis’ of a ‘concept’?
Ukraine peace plan shrinks after Geneva talks, but still no deal
–– Almost Putin-sized?
Zelensky Responds to Trump’s Tantrum About Gratitude
–– Admits he's better comic than Vlod ever was.
Russia says leak of Witkoff call recording is unacceptable, amounts to hybrid warfare
–– Hey, Putin, f**k you.
The New Putin Calendar Is Here: ‘A Man for Every Season’
–– Especially Hunting Season.
Trump’s Own Ambassador Admits Putin Has Upper Hand in Peace Talks
–– It’s upper Trump’s ass.
Sudan’s top general rejects US-led ceasefire proposal, calling it ‘the worst yet’
–– ‘Not counting Ukraine’s.’
Brazil's Bolsonaro detained over flight risk, damaged ankle monitor
–– Great Asscape.
The Most Impactful Political Handbag Since Mrs. Thatcher’s
–– Did she hit you with it?
Pope visits Istanbul's Blue Mosque for meeting with Turkish religious leaders
–– Mosque immediately perks up.
Rebel Wilson Speaks Out on ‘The Deb’ Controversy: “I Was a Whistleblower”
–– Sued as whistleblower blower.
“The Wizard of Oz”’s Original Tin Man ‘Could Hardly Breathe,’ Left Movie After Terrifying Aluminum Makeup Ordeal
–– Reacted porely.
Why Does ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Still Cast Such a Wicked Spell? Because It’s the Movie That First Flipped the Patriarchy on Its Head
–– This written by Scarecrow?
‘Walking Tall' sheriff Buford Pusser was hailed as a crime-busting hero. What if he was the killer all along?
–– Then Tennesseans, Hollywood producers dumb as we thought they were.
Antonio Banderas Reveals Role as Mentor in Anthony Bourdain Biopic: ‘I Was Cleaning Fish Every Single Day!’
–– Paid scale?
Lupita Nyong’o Says Oscar Win for ’12 Years a Slave’ Led to Acting Offers to Play More Slaves; One Offer Included the Pitch: ‘This Time You’re on a Slave Ship!’
–– Sorta chain reaction.
Quentin Tarantino Recalls Laughing Through The Passion of the Christ, ‘Getting Kind of Turned On by the Beating’
–– Regrets there wasn’t more foot play.
Quentin Tarantino says 'The Hunger Games' 'ripped off' this controversial cult classic
–– And master of 'homages' should know?
'Emergency!' star Kevin Tighe makes surprise return in 'One Battle After Another'
–– Wasn't he in 'Obscurity!'?
Andrew Troy Wins Best Director at L.A. SkinsFest for ‘Midnight in the Orange Grove’
–– Which is surprisingly not porn competition.
Bill Maher Admits He Stopped Taking ‘Cheap Shots’ at Trump After President ‘Yelled’ at Him
–– Response should’ve been better, nastier writers.
Moaning Myrtle Actor Shirley Henderson Was 37 When She Auditioned for 14-Year-Old ‘Harry Potter’ Character and Thought: ‘This Is Ridiculous’
–– Now what's she whining about?
Richard Dreyfuss’ Son Claims Jack Nicholson Let a Stalker Give Him a Blowjob
–– One blew over the cuckoo’s nest?
Kris Jenner Reveals Her Mom MJ, 91, 'Refused' to Move In with Her When She Asked and the Reason Why
–– Mom had met her?
Eddie Murphy Says 'Ghostbusters', 'Rush Hour' and 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' are His Three 'Wish I Would Have Done' Movies
–– Amongst our 'thrilled he didn't.'
Paul Anka, 84, shares plans for retirement after decades-long career: 'My day is coming'
–– Time to drop Anka?
Susan Powter Recalls Squirting Her Breast Milk at a Man in a Restaurant After He Criticized Her for Breastfeeding in Public
–– Into tea!
John Lennon's Producer Reveals Reason Yoko Ono Would Yell at Them After Studio Sessions 'Like Two School Children'
–– Couldn’t stop screaming after recording.
Why do we have such big feelings about Elmo?
–– You’re emotionally stunted?
NFL Host Charissa Thompson Announces Death Of Beloved Dog
–– Did Chomps finally bite big one?
Football coach who went missing before undefeated team’s playoff game is wanted on criminal charges
–– Pedo is pig’s kin.
Under a cloud, the Olympic flame begins its journey to the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics
–– Of smoke?
Scientists find evidence that an asteroid contains tryptophan
–– Turkeys are extraterrestrial?!
Try a ‘fart walk’ to ease the pressure after that big Thanksgiving meal
–– Or let go at table if uncle won’t shut up.
I Canceled Thanksgiving After My Husband And In-Laws Voted For Trump. I Didn’t Expect What Happened Next.
–– They had ICE raid kitchen.
How to afford a great Christmas if money’s tight this year
–– Cheap booze.
The dirty secret of America’s holiday shopping season
–– Santa's reindeer haven't got work visas.
‘Big Short’ investor Michael Burry warns Nvidia is the Cisco equivalent in today’s AI boom: ‘Sometimes the new company is the same company on a pivot’
–– That’s what we always… what?
How A.I. and Social Media Contribute to ‘Brain Rot’
–– You’d know if not for rot.
What Does My Puffer Jacket Say About Me?
–– How do we put this nicely…?
Campbell’s fires executive over leaked tape mocking ‘poor’ customers and ‘3D printed chicken’
–– From nut to soups.
The Sad Story Of McDonald's Forgotten McSoup
–– McFly in it.
The 8 Worst Steakhouse Chains In America, According To Reviews
–– Chew on this.
Are Taco Bell's Nacho Fries Gluten-Free?
–– And flavor-resistant?
The Underrated Southern Chain Serving Breakfast That'll Remind You Of Grandma's
–– If she’d been arrested by Child Protective Services.
Semaglutide fails to slow progression of Alzheimer’s in highly anticipated trials, Novo Nordisk says
–– Evidence ‘slim.’
In these U.S. groups, deaths now exceed births. What’s happening?
–– More people dying than being born?
Waymo Was Thriving in San Francisco. Then One of Its Driverless Cars Killed a Cat
–– Waymo then we could ask.
Tesla struggles to course correct from sales skid
–– Keeps running over targets like Robotaxi.
‘Slender Man’ stabber Morgan Geyser told cops to ‘just Google’ her when she was busted for escaping group home
–– Was she blowing off steam?
His car broke down on Thanksgiving 1980 and he entered an empty house. Then the occupants came home
–– The end.
Did a Brooklyn Couple Kill a Neighbor’s Trees for a Better View in Maine?
–– Sounds about right.
Las Vegas casino lacked security before ex-Nevada senator’s son shot, killed, lawsuit claims
–– For die rollers.
World Trade Center worker who left shortly before 9/11 beaten to death by two teens and a 12-year-old boy, cops say
–– Tell us again how fact A relates to miserable fact B.
Businessman ‘who tried to drown daughter-in-law lover’ walks free
–– Gulp!
Did Hitler have a secret Jewish Grandfather? Our DNA research has solved the mystery
–– Long head for what should be one-word article.
Mysterious deepwater sharks are being killed to make cosmetics. New laws could save them from extinction
–– But yo mama will still be so ugly…
Mega-shark remains found on beach in Australia. Experts say it was absolutely massive
–– As long as he's still discovered.
Can big genitals be a hindrance?
–– Ask Texas Schlonghorn, French Bulldong, One-Eyed Trouser Snake, Johnson's Sea Cucumber…
This creature has one of the mightiest, most lethal weapons in the animal kingdom – and he uses it to impress the girls
–– …or this fiddler crab.
Genetic breakthrough paves the way for the return of the dodo bird
–– We already have too many of those.
New finds in Turkey's southeast add to picture of Neolithic age
–– And it ain’t pretty.
Trump Vowed Fewer Regulations and Lots More Oil. He’s Delivered on One.
–– Not to mention scarred lungs, cancer.
US-Russian crew blasts off for International Space Station
–– Couldn’t they take Trump, Putin?
Viola Fletcher, oldest survivor of the Tulsa Race Massacre, dies at 111
–– Viola bows out.
John Eimen, former child star from 'Leave It to Beaver' and 'Petticoat Junction', dies at 76
–– If you're senior with minimal cognitive decline you might remember him.
Jimmy Cliff, Legendary Reggae Musician and Star of ‘The Harder They Come,’ Dies at 81
–– Yeah, we know, the harder they fall.
Udo Kier, German Actor Who Appeared in ‘My Own Private Idaho,’ ‘Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein,’ Dies at 81
–– Kier’s to you.
Fuzzy Zoeller, two-time major champion haunted by racist joke about Tiger Woods, dies at 74
–– Fuzzy, wuzzy?
