JC Puny
Week of 04/17/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump faces backlash over post depicting him like Jesus
–– Blasphmemes.
Trump Says Blockade to Remain After Iran Declares Strait Open
–– Like in his colon.
JD Vance defends Trump amid spat with Pope Leo: ‘Stick to matters of morality’
–– ‘We’ll handle the sin.’
Influential evangelical Rev Franklin Graham dismisses controversy over Trump’s AI Jesus post as ‘a lot to do about nothing’
–– Which describes Graham's entire career.
Sean Hannity’s Attempted Takedown Of The Pope Backfires In Hellish Way
–– Shits in the woulds.
No, President Trump: ‘The Catholics’ do not love this.
–– Wiccans kinda getting off on it.
GOP Rep. Troy Nehls Calls Trump ‘Almost A Second Coming’ of Jesus
–– Tough as Nehls.
’Just drifting to who he naturally is:’ Experts warn Trump’s recent spate of vulgar and unhinged rants expose the real Donald
–– When did he ever drift from?
Trump Says U.S. Will ‘Blockade’ Strait of Hormuz After Peace Talks Fail
–– Um, uh, wasn’t whole point opening it?
U.S. Threat to Blockade Hormuz Sets Up Risky New Showdown
–– Strait laced.
White House Shrugs Off Shaky Economy as War Exceeds Trump’s Timeline
–– Leaves shrug burns.
White House Declines to Offer Congress an Estimate of Iran War Cost
–– Draws blank? Check.
Pete Hegseth Quotes ‘Pulp Fiction’ Fake Bible Verse at Pentagon Prayer Service
–– Here's how he explained war's timeline.
Iran’s new supreme leader has severe and disfiguring wounds, sources say
–– Khamaimi?
'It's Not Working': Diplomats Fear Trump's Iran Envoys Are Making Things Worse
–– Addition of third stooge didn't help?
Trump wants a bigger military. Congress should attach one condition.
–– One?!!!
Trump gets McDonalds DoorDashed to White House and then takes Iran war questions with delivery person
–– Who could deliver more cogent responses.
Trump Turns on DoorDash Grandma and Savages ‘Tacky’ Stunt
–– Attacky stunt?
–– MIA culpa?
Noem’s replacement draws outrage over ‘racist’ remark that the U.S. should have the ‘right kind of immigrants’
–– Markpain Mullin.
White House OMB Director Russell Vought: DHS ‘disintegrating’
–– Good.
Acting ICE Director Todd Lyons to step down from agency
–– Lyons of least resistance.
ICE Arrests 85-Year-Old French Widow Who Married Her G.I. Sweetheart
–– Did spare her Hannibal Lecter muzzle.
Trump Claims Epstein’s ‘Victims or Whatever’ Have ‘Refused To Go Under Oath’
–– Trump’s family motto should be ‘Whatever.’
Rep. Lauren Boebert Just Told Every Congressional Staffer to Come to Her Office If They’re Being Mistreated
–– And she’ll show them actual meaning of word.
Stephen Miller's Wife Said "Liberal Men Aren't Attractive" And The Responses Are Actually Making Me Gasp
–– Not the way white nationalist sexual matador would!
RFK Jr. Panics When Confronted on His Comments About Black Children
–– Re-parent trap.
RFK Jr. once chopped off a dead raccoon’s penis to ‘study later’ while on a family road trip
–– Lost interest once he got to see Stephen Miller up close.
America’s income tax is progressive
–– According to Bezos’ WaPo.
Greene says Trump told her if her ‘son were to get killed,’ it would be her fault
–– Sociopaths say the darnedest things.
Justice Department removes lead prosecutor from probe of Trump critic John Brennan
–– Probe boner.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas blasts progressivism as threat to America
–– We don’t know –– is it inspiring that even moron can sit on Court for decades?
Fox’s Doocy Presses WH on Reports of 10 Dead or Missing US Scientists With Access to Classified Material
–– Can UAP your head around it?
Ohio governor's race between Ramaswamy and Acton turns ugly
–– Turned when Vivek entered it.
Cruz calls Carlson ‘deranged, leftist psycho’ following comments on Muslims
–– 55-year-old still doesn’t know left from right?
Zelenskyy vents frustration over U.S. disinterest in evidence of Russia helping Iran
–– Putin behind us?
In New War With Israel, Hezbollah Defies Notion That It Was Crippled
–– Weren’t ‘obliterated’ like Iran nukes?
Antisemitic violence worldwide in 2025 killed highest number of Jews in 30 years, study finds
–– From the craven to the sick.
Hungarian election tests Trump’s global reach as Orban fights for survival
–– Who wouldn’t love face like this?
Hungary’s Viktor Orban, ally of Trump and Putin, concedes election defeat
–– Orban decay.
Even for Europe’s populist firebrands, Trump is going too far
–– With all Duce respect.
Heritage president toasted editor of controversial right-wing magazine
–– Seig heil fives.
On Africa trip, Pope Leo will face debate over polygamy as Catholicism booms
–– Jesus can marry more than one nun?
White House Correspondents’ Dilemma: Toasting the First Amendment as Trump Tramples Over It | Analysis
–– He makes Number One Amendment.
David Letterman on CBS Replacing ‘Late Show’ With ‘Comics Unleashed’: “They Don’t Want to Spend Any Money”
–– Inflicting Byron Allen? Seems more malicious than that.
NPR receives $113 million from two donors after federal funding cut
–– Insomniacs rejoice!
Drew Barrymore is barry-done with wearing bras: 'I'm over it'
–– Bust line barry-morphs?
Vincent D’Onofrio Wasn’t Allowed to Speak to the Director of Men in Black While Making the Movie, Was Told His Performance Was 'Horrible'
–– MIB life crisis.
Ian McKellen, 86, isn't worried about legacy – 'Death? Forget it'
–– Easier when you’re ancient.
‘Euphoria’ fans call season 3 premiere 'disgusting' & 'gross' for explicit adult themes
–– Youagainstia.
I was one of Lena Dunham’s haters. I want to say I’m sorry
–– We want to say, we underdid it.
Pedro Almodóvar Questions Jacob Elordi's Range, Wonders if He's 'Just a Sex Symbol' or a 'Respected Actor’
–– Not by him apparently.
A ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ sequel answers questions the original forgot to ask
–– Not ‘why would anyone want to watch this?’
Nicole Kidman Is Studying to Become a Death Doula
–– Is her career in that bad of shape?
Sharon Stone Levels Up a Bold White Suit With an Unexpected Pair of Shoes
–– Bozo’s!
Sony Pictures Boss Tom Rothman Urges Theater Owners to Stop Having 30 Minutes of Trailers and Commercials Before Movies Start: ‘Get Off the Ad Crack’
–– Try 'spot meth.'
Marvel, DC and 'Planet of the Apes' Actor Kirk Acevedo Had to Sell His Home Because 'Middle Class' Actors Are Getting 'Squeezed Out' of Hollywood’
–– You mean day playing in some movies doesn’t set you up for life?
‘No Harrison Ford': Disneyland's New Han Solo Debuts at Galaxy's Edge and Gets Roasted by Fans for 'Worst Wig Ever' and More
–– Made from Chewie's pubes.
Lee Cronin on His ‘Unique’ R-Rated Unraveling of ‘The Mummy’ and Why Jason Blum Suggested He Put His Name in the Title: ‘I Was Flattered, But Unsure’
–– Should’ve been Poor Man’s John Carpenter’s The Mummy.
Steve Guttenberg broke into elderly couple's home to save them from Palisades fire
–– Pretended he was rescuing career.
Rick Moranis returns to the big screen for the first time in 30 years in ‘Spacebars 2’ footage at CinemaCon
–– We coulda waited.
'American Pie' Star Shannon Elizabeth Joins OnlyFans After Hollywood 'Controlled the Outcome of My Career': 'This Is About Changing That'
–– She reclaims rights to sagging boobs.
Dwayne Johnson Gets Emotional While Debuting New 'Moana' Live-Action Footage at CinemaCon
–– Thought we heard some moanaing.
Ruby Rose Accuses Katy Perry of Sexual Assault; Perry’s Rep Slams Claims as ‘Categorically False and Dangerous Lies’
–– Rose burn.
How Slayyyter Made Her Own Coachella Debut Performance Outfit
–– After fifth of JD?
Justin Trudeau at Coachella is a Rorschach test
–– For idiots.
The Best Movie Karaoke Scenes, Ranked
–– Like ranking best Pauly Shore film roles.
Someone Has to Be Happy. Why Not Lauren Sánchez Bezos
–– Because she seems like shallow, smirking bitch?
Ice Spice Addresses Altercation at McDonald’s: ‘This Wouldn’t Happen at Wendy’s’
–– Big smack?
Rolled Up in a Cellar for Decades, This Artemisia Gentileschi Painting Is Now Up for Auction. Why Is Mary Magdalene's Face Missing From the Portrait?
–– And will schmuck who pays $120-180,000 for it at auction let their kid fill one in?
Older Women Are in Demand by Younger Men
–– To do laundry like mom.
The surprising ways cannabis may effect the aging brain
–– That we can't quite remember.
Mississippi is running out of liquor, and it’s the state’s fault
–– Or is it Uncle Jasper's?
I’ve Tried Hundreds of Whiskeys — This $20 Pick Is Always in My Rotation
–– Which is handy when room’s spinning.
What happens to your body when you work out before you eat
–– Who cares, let’s eat!
Andrew Zimmern Has Been Chowing Down On The Same Katz's Deli Sandwich For Decades
–– They are big, but when’s he gonna finish it?
The Mystifying Syndrome That Makes People Spontaneously Drunk
–– WCN: Watching Cable News.
15 Foods And Drinks That Paul McCartney Loves
–– 15. Savoy Truffle, 14. Twix and Shout, 13. Hey Jujyfruit, 12. Silly Love Scones, 11. Ob-La-Dill, Ob-La-Dal, 10. Panini Lane, 9. Stew of Us, 8. Clam Together, 7. BBQ Wings, 6. Strawberry Floats Forever, 5. Baby I'm a Maize, 4. Date Kipper, 3. Ram and Coke, 2. Liver Let Die, 1. Roasty Raccoon.
Yale Report Finds Colleges Deserve Blame for Higher Education’s Problems
–– Dumb students off hook?
There are two ‘Shining’ hotels. One is haunted and the other has something else going on
–– Spooky twin sisters in hall, elevators full of blood.
Mass Stampede at Haitian Tourist Site Leaves Dozens Dead
–– Due to, mon dieu, rain!
Singer d4vd arrested on suspicion of killing a 14-year-old girl found dead in his Tesla
–– Only seven months for Hercule Poirot to unmask Romantic Homicide singer?
These Chimps Began the Bloodiest ‘War’ on Record. No One Knows Why.
–– Ran out of feces?
‘I will never forget Pablo’ – David Attenborough revisits the most famous moment of his TV career in ‘A Gorilla Story’
–– Pablo: ‘David who?’
“They’re either ejected in vomit or walk their way back out when the animal is dead.” Can anything survive being eaten alive?
–– And chewed up?
10 toilet dwelling animals:”I felt as though my penis had been severed…”
–– 10. Sadpiper, 9. Numbertwocan, 8. Chocolate Lav, 7. Turdkey, 6. Pee Hen, 5. Wild Ass, 4. Dung Beetle, 3. Plumber's Snake, 2. Kakortoo, 1. Common Loo.
Spiders the size of your palm are popping up across the U.S. You shouldn’t be afraid
–– Sounds perfect for squashing.
“I glanced in the mirror and saw a huge, deadly creature crawling out of my shirt. I've never disrobed so quickly in my life.”
–– “Made the spider vomit, rendering him harmless."
How to protect yourself from ticks––and what to do if you’re bitten
–– Bite back.
Turtles May Have Been Tasty Snacks for Neanderthals 125,000 Years Ago. But Their Shells Were Probably the Real Prize
–– Especially when filled with ricotta.
Massive 15kg echidnas once roamed south-east Australia. Evidence of the bizarre animals was found 120 years ago in a cave
–– Were them diet?
Crow vs raven: what's the difference between these two very similar-looking black birds?
–– What they quoth?
First ‘cloud jaguar’ spotted in 10 years sparks hope in Honduras
–– Of mauled tourists.
A tiny mollusc helped bring down the Spanish Armada. Here's how
–– Bad paella made them ill?
Scientists Still Don't Know How or When the Grand Canyon Formed. New Research May Hint at Its Ancient Origins
–– Can’t find incorporation papers.
Seven things on Mars that would instantly kill you (number five is truly terrifying)
–– 7. John Carter on bath salts, 6. These guys, 5. Him, 4. Illegal Aliens, 3. Martian, Martian, Martin, 2. Jewish lasers, 1. Marvin’ ray gun.
Five seconds of free fall: Astronauts describe historic moon mission — and nail-biting return to Earth
–– Gee, what’s next for mankind? Space shuttles? Space Stations? Drones?
NASA astronaut finds God after returning to Earth: Reid Wiseman breaks down after seeing a cross
–– Or did he reveal vampiric tendencies?
NASA Plans to Start a Fire on the Moon in First-of-Its-Kind Experiment
–– Next flight code-named Arsonist I.
Joy Harmon, actress in famous ‘Cool Hand Luke’ car wash scene, dies
–– Rubbed out.
