Headbangers 02/17
Headbangers 01/17
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 04/21/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Marine Le Pen Leads Far-Right Fight to Make France ‘More French’
–– Y'know, like Marquis de Sade.

What are Marine Le Pen’s odds of victory?
–– Oui bit better.

Elizabeth Warren says Trump won presidential election partly due to racism
–– File under D for “Duh.”

Nurse Replaces Surgeon General After Obama Appointee Resigns
–– Trump's ongoing quest for least qualified.

Madison Bumgarner Injured Rib, Shoulder in Dirt Bike Accident, May Miss 8 Weeks
–– Sounds like dirtbag accident.

At a ‘Unity’ Stop in Nebraska, Democrats Find Anything But
–– Berning bridges.

Trump Vows to Unveil Tax-Cut Plan Next Week, Surprising Staff
–– Will write in clubhouse after front nine.

Venezuela just did General Motors a favor by seizing its car assembly plant
–– Like favor they did citizens with massive food shortages.

HGTV Star and Single Mom Nicole Curtis 'Would Give Anything to Have a Husband That Loved & Supported Me'
–– Got $2 bil?

Trump wings it without chief of protocol
–– As in shoots diplomacy in leg.

Angry Muslim-American flashes guns, warns Christians to be ‘terrified’
–– Anything to get headline in New York Post.

MARK CUBAN: Trump's first 100 days are like 'political chemotherapy'
–– But he’s the tumor.

Richard Simmons Was 'Laughing and Joking' After Hospitalization and 'Looks Really Great,' Says Cop on Scene
–– Sweatin’ with the oxies.

Berkeley Cancels Ann Coulter Speech Over Safety Fears
–– For audience's brain cells.

The White House ups the odds of a government shutdown by demanding Democrats fund Trump's border wall
–– And pay for Melania's boob job 'touch-up'.

White House Orders Agencies to Prepare for Potential Government Shutdown
–– American people will have to be informed if it’s even happening.

Trump voters don't believe he has played more golf than Obama in first 3 months
–– Also don't believe Obama wasn't caddying for Biden.

‘I Am Tougher Than a Bullet': Utah Girl Allegedly Shot and Left for Dead by 2 Teen Boys Speaks Out
–– High-caliber character.

Trump welcomes Egyptian-American aid worker he helped bring home to White House
–– Deported her immediately after photo-op.

Here’s everything Ivanka Trump has done in her new White House job so far
–– In block letters on of her smallest designer handkerchief.

Inside the isolated cabin where Elizabeth Thomas and Tad Cummins were found
–– The absolute last place you want to be.

Bill O'Reilly Accuser Caroline Heldman Claims His 'Sexist Humiliation and Bullying' Was 'Typical' for Him
–– Held woman.

Elephant Sedative May be Behind Heroin OD’s
–– Marked improvement in remembering last moments.

Op-Ed: 'The handwriting is on the wall' for Trump's presidency
–– And all words spelled rong.

Cowboys CB Anthony Brown Gets Tattoo of Potato Chip on Shoulder
–– Chip off old block.

Bebe is closing all its stores, the latest casualty in retail
–– Bebe wipes.

Bill Nye says science will make a comeback
–– Renamed sorcery, but still…

Trump recognizes player who isn't there
–– But is in head.

Trump slams first 100 days construct -- after repeatedly embracing it
–– Until he realized he couldn't count that high.

Trump denies Exxon permission to drill for oil in Russia
–– But Russia can still drill in him.

Hailee Steinfeld On How She Stays Fit And If She Listens To Her Own Songs
–– Just so someone does.

O’Reilly on harassment in 2004: Some women use it 'as a club' against men
–– Spoken like true caveman.

Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock walk into the White House ...
–– And plasticware's missing.

Musician Ted Nugent responds to CNN’s ‘white trash Mount Rushmore’ commentary
–– With them renamed Rashmore.

AG Sessions says he's 'amazed' a judge 'on an island in the Pacific' can block Trump's immigration order
–– 'Poi, oh poi.'

This $30,000 robot will make you a salad
–– For that, I’d want nuts tossed.

Snoop Dogg: Patron saint of 4/20
–– St. Burnhard.

Mockery, anger in South Korea over USS Carl Vinson 'bluffing'
–– Trump continues to unite world in contempt.

Russian bombers spotted off Alaskan coast twice in 24 hours
–– By Sarah Palin and ice trucker.

Rob Gronkowski Interrupts Sean Spicer's Press Briefing During White House Visit
–– Goes for bomb.

Pirates’ Josh Harrison Gets Hits by Pitch in 4 Consecutive Plate Appearances
–– Harrison: “Arrrrgh!”

Jason Chaffetz, Powerful House Republican, Won’t Run in 2018
–– We horridly knew thee.

Aaron Hernandez Hanged Himself in Prison, Officials Say
–– Tight end.

Trump Administration Grudgingly Confirms Iran’s Compliance With Nuclear Deal
–– Clucks, shrugs shoulders, rolls eyes.

Sheldon Adelson Gave $5 Million for Trump’s Inauguration
–– Which explains 80s-style classiness.

What people talk about before they die
–– How hard comedy is.

Julia Roberts Named World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine
–– It’s a small world after all.

She 'Fell on Her Own Sword': How Huma Abedin Left the Clinton Campaign Trail After October Surprise Involving Her Disgraced Husband
–– Weiner asked her to fall on his.

Republican senator airs her 'concerns' that Trump spends all his time at Mar-a-Lago
–– She's teed off.

Polar bear 'dies of a broken heart' after best friend shipped off by SeaWorld
–– That's cold.

Okla. Woman Gets Life for Dressing as a Witch to Terrorize Her 7-Year-Old Granddaughter
–– Ding-dong.

Quick-thinking McDonald's worker leads police to Facebook killer
–– Asked killer if he wanted to fry with that.

Miami state senator curses at black lawmaker — and refers to fellow Republicans as ‘niggas’
–– Posse whipped.

Jay Pharoah has 'no beef' after 'SNL' firing
–– Can’t even afford ‘chicken.’

Chris Christie Is Playing a Dangerous Game with Trump
–– Autoerotic asphyxiation.

President Trump has reportedly been making late-night calls to Chris Christie
–– For KFC runs.

Scientists discover massive sulfur-eating hell-clams in the Philippines
–– Attached to Duterte’s groin.

New Bill O'Reilly Accuser Says He Called Her "Hot Chocolate" and Leered
–– Asked if she wanted to “melt his marshmallows.”

Fox News "Preparing" to Axe O'Reilly, Murdoch's Wall Str
–– Will have to sanitize blade after.

Part of Bill O'Reilly's problem at Fox: Few people there actually like him
–– Steve Doucey claims he enjoyed noogies.

As Trump warned North Korea, his 'armada' was headed toward Australia
–– He hoped Francis Drake wouldn’t sink it.

It’s real: You can now buy a Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks
–– And pick teeth with horn.

China OKs trademarks for Ivanka Trump's company on day she met with Xi
–– Including one for brass balls.

Egypt unearths 8 mummies in 3,500-year-old tombs
–– Six were sharing.

There’s a new world's oldest woman
–– By process of elimination.

Barack Obama snaps photo of Michelle Obama on yacht
–– Wanted shot of happiest woman in world.

Dad’s Touching Reaction to Daughter’s Wet Pants Makes Him a Hero
–– But he's sorry he spilled beer.

A Trainer Gets Brutally Honest About Why You Aren't Seeing Results
–– You lazy sack of french fries, you.

Melania Trump Nudges President Trump To Place His Hand Over His Chest
–– Should’ve been mouth.

Spicer pressed about White House decision to keep visitor logs secret: 'We're following the law'
–– ‘A North Korean one, but, y’know, legal.’

Trump: I won’t say whether we sabotaged North Korea missile test
–– ‘Generals don’t tell me anything.’

Trump claims immunity as President in lawsuit
–– And immortality.

Sen. Cotton booed over Trump's taxes
–– Crowd didn’t cotton to defense.

Trump congratulates Erdogan for referendum win
–– Turkey and addressing.

An Atlanta Theater Faces Criticism for Gay Versions of Bible Stories
–– Let my people cum.

Bashar al-Assad's wife should lose her UK citizenship, say lawmakers
–– Nah, give husband another six years of genocide.

As advisers cross globe to hotspots, Trump stays put
–– Terror threat awaits visa.

Huckabee: I'd rather have Obama as president than have Comcast service
–– Rather have eyes plucked out than either.

Spicer: 'Usually fast asleep' when 'SNL' comes on
–– And too dumb to operate DVR.

Alex Jones ‘playing a character,’ says lawyer
–– Mr. Hyde.

‘Girls’ finale labors to find an ending
–– Just be glad it’s over.

On North Korean border, Pence tells CNN US will drop 'failed policy'
–– Replace with ‘disastrous policy.’

Meet the 'most underestimated person on Trump's team'
–– Which is really, really, really saying something.

Emma Morano, world's oldest person, dies at age 117
–– Parasailing.

Vice President Pence to visit DMZ
–– Can’t somebody snatch him from North?

Nepal, China begin first-ever joint military exercises
–– Weaponized yaks join infantry.

Senator Elizabeth Warren says House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ignores her when she says hello
–– Trump greets her with 'How!'

Tyrese Gibson Apologizes for Controversial Comments About ‘Promiscuous Women’
–– Slut shamming.

Bruce Langhorne, Guitarist Who Inspired ‘Mr. Tambourine Man,’ Dies at 78
–– Dylan’s worst best-known song, but still…

North Korea surprises with display of new missiles
–– Bombes Suprise.

North Korea's military parade: What we didn't see
–– Underdog float.

North Korean Missile Launch Fails, and a Show of Strength Fizzles
–– Kimpotence.

McMaster: North Korea 'coming to a head'
–– ‘In the toilet sense.’

Trump administration not planning to respond to failed North Korean missile launch
–– Suppressed chuckles allowed.

Clifton James, Sheriff in James Bond Films, Dies at 96
–– Lived and let die.

Protesters around country call for Trump to release tax returns
–– Audit in the court.

Trump Ally Roger Stone Claims Huma Abedin Collected Damaging Material on the Clintons
–– Was called going to work.

Megyn Kelly Email Reveals Complaints About Bill O'Reilly Before Leaving Fox News
–– Late entry in No Spine Zone.

Panic at NY's Penn Station: 16 injured in stampede over false reports of gunfire
–– Long Island ducks.

Man accused of assaulting woman at election rally says Trump inspired him
–– Ask not who your country can do for you, ask who you can do for your country.

Week of 04/14/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

With major EPA cuts looming, Scott Pruitt wants a 10-person, 24/7 security detail
–– Afraid Toxic Avenger might strike.

Uber lost $2.8 billion last year
–– In seat cushions.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt tells ‘Fox & Friends’ U.S. should exit Paris climate deal
–– And begin calling global warming Freedom Fry.

Carrie Fisher Won’t Appear in ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’
–– She won't take producer's calls.

Delta will pay you up to $10,000 to give up your seat
–– And let you drag flight attendant down aisle.

Jay Pharoah On Getting Fired From ‘SNL’: “They Put People Into Boxes”
–– “Mine was shaped like pyramid.”

Jay Pharoah Disses ‘Saturday Night Live’ After Firing: ‘I’m Not a Yes N—-‘
–– No, you’re a No N——.

Here’s How Much the 'Mother of All Bombs' Costs
–– John Carter had $263mil budget.

‘If I said it, I don't remember': George W. Bush responds to report he said Trump's inauguration was 'some weird s---'
–– Which is some weird s---.

Debate over changing the U.S. Constitution starts in the Texas House
–– Best little whorehouse.

The White House has sent out a survey proposing to eliminate the White House
–– Neutron bombs leave building standing, right?

1,100 strangers showed up at his home for sex. He blames Grindr
–– Meet Grindr.

Aaron Hernandez found not guilty of double murder
–– A defensive end.

Trump White House to keep visitor logs private
–– By embarrassed visitors' request.

Cops fired after videos surface of them punching and kicking motorist
–– AG Sessions sends medals.

Burglary suspect who mailed manifesto to Trump captured
–– And charged with using big words.

Kendrick Lamar's new album sets fire to Internet
–– Internet should set fire to album.

Eli Manning Allegedly Involved in Scheme to Sell Fake Game-worn Memorabilia
–– Big Fraudly Giant.

Rob Manfred Wants Indians to ‘Transition Away From’ Chief Wahoo Logo
–– Should shove up wahoo.

Heidi and Spencer are for real going to be parents
–– Who for real the fuck?

Why I won’t date hot women anymore
–– Menopause just not sexy, bro.

Intelligence Reports Show Susan Rice Didn't Break Law When She Requested Names Of Trump Associates
–– Idiot reports show 90% of Trump voters think she did.

Almost everyone in President Trump's orbit seems to think Stephen Bannon is a goner
–– Oh wait, that’s boner.

New Trump Immigration Order Has Led to the Arrest of Hundreds of Undocumented Immigrants for Minor Crimes
–– Put them to work building wall!

Putin Says Trust With U.S. Deteriorated After Trump Took Office
–– “I was right away checking my warranty.’

Kim Jong Un opens complex of N. Korean high-rise apartments
–– Starting at 5 clots of dirt a month.

Man Dragged Off United Flight Takes Steps Towards Lawsuit
–– Hope execs buckled seat belts.

Vogue Arabia’s Editor-in-Chief Exits After Only Two print Issues
–– Under veiled threats.

Uganda Tries to Commit Critic of President to Mental Institution
–– WH Chief Counsel wants to see if law applies here.

Congressman tells angry constituents the idea that they pay his salary is ‘bullcrap’
–– Has direct deposit from corporate sponsors.

After Campaign Exit, Manafort Borrowed From Businesses With Trump Ties
–– With first born as collateral.

18 Syrian Fighters Allied With U.S. Are Killed in Coalition Airstrike
–– 'Thanks' scrawled on bomb.

John Daly Hits Golf Ball Off Beer Can, Proceeds to Chug Beer
–– For those keeping tabs.

Dolph Lundgren Joins Jason Momoa in 'Aquaman'
–– To add depth.

Carter Page: Washington Post report a joke
–– ‘And yes, I’m the butt.’

Paid CNN pundit calls Trump ‘the Martin Luther King of health care’
–– Has dream patients "will not be judged by the color of their skin rash but by the content of their wallet."

Jeffrey Lord: Why I compared Trump, MLK
–– ‘Brain tumor the size of a grapefruit.’

Trump threatens to stop insurance payments so Democrats negotiate on Obamacare
–– Dead poor people 'fantastic' bargaining chip.

Trump, shocked by Assad, discussed chemical weapons history at Mar-a-Lago
–– Almost couldn't finish Victory Taco Bowl.

Trump’s stunning u-turns on NATO, China, Russia and Syria
–– Causes wimplash in media.

Trump says NATO no longer 'obsolete'
–– This morning.

‘Cross dressers in the building': A Capitol staffer warns when LGBT students visit
–– Congressmen hide beards.

Inside the Battle for Trump’s Ear: Can Bannon Beat Kushner?
–– Kushner claims drum, Bannon Eustachian tube.

Where Trump's White House shake-up should begin
–– Egg beater to Trump's coiffe.

Trump Undercuts Top Adviser Stephen K. Bannon, Whose Job May Be in Danger
–– Bannon: "My middle name is In Danger…spelled, um, with a K."

United Airlines CEO Faults Ejected Passenger for Being 'Disruptive and Belligerent'
–– Will charge for damages face did to arm rest.

“Chaotic” Trump administration could start war with North Korea, warns former MI6 boss
–– And not even know it.

Trump taps lawyer involved with Trump U case for federal job
–– Talk about settling.

Kelly Brook tells host Jason Manford to look at her 'trimmed bush' on The Nightly Show
–– And the tits circling it.

Spicer apologizes for Hitler comparison: 'It was a mistake to do that'
–– ‘That’ being opening mouth.

Chelsea Handler refuses Sean Spicer's apology: 'He can’t possibly be that stupid naturally'
–– Suggests he’s juicing.

White House: Russia, Syrian regime trying to 'confuse' the world over chemical attacks
–– ‘And, boy, are we confused.’

The Latest Test for the White House? Pulling Off Its Easter Egg Roll
–– Spicer has been deep frying rabbit wrapped in dough.

Tillerson arrives in Moscow without game plan from G7
–– Hasn't game plan to get from plane to Kremlin.

United Doubles Down, Continues to Defend Removal of "Belligerent" Passenger
–– Considers name change to Trump Air.

Hollywood Business Manager: I Stole From Alanis Morissette and Other Clients and I'm Sorry
–– They found out.

Hasan Minhaj to Host White House Correspondents' Dinner
–– Couldn’t they find Mexican for job nobody wanted?

Scott Walker Moves To Kill A Century-Old Nature Magazine, And Readers Are Furious
–– Walker: "Hey, I'm disappointed too –– my family's gonna have to start buying toilet paper."

Democratic Senator Calls Syria Strike an Itch to Scratch for President
–– Chemical weapons do cause intense itchiness.

Trump adviser Anthony Scaramucci: Jared Kushner is 'like Alexander Hamilton'
–– Then we need someone like Aaron Burr.

Trump-taxes: President scraps tax plan, timetable threatened
–– Plan for not releasing own taxes secure.

Hospital grants dying man his final wish — a cigarette and a glass of wine while watching the sunset
–– 10,000 krone added to final bill.

US strike wiped out fifth of Assad air force, Mattis says
–– And entire kite collection.

Alabama governor resigns under threat of impeachment over affair with an aide
–– Alabama getaway.

Australian rapper skips dinner bill by swimming off, court told
–– What a dip.

China’s deadly secret: More executions than all other countries put together
–– And MSG.

Bill Cosby's 'Little Bill' books targeted for censorship, library group says
–– After hearing all the tight spots author's 'Little Bill' had gotten into.

Man Stabbed in California Movie Theater Over Seat-Kicking Argument
–– The fate of the furious.

Trump on pace to surpass 8 years of Obama's travel spending in 1 year
–– Could surpass it hundrefold if he'd leave planet.

Trump’s Modeling Agency Shuts Down
–– 'Models' return to Slovenian brothel.

Murder suspect jumps to his death inside courthouse
–– In cost-cutting measure.

US, Mexico, Canada join to launch 2026 World Cup bid
–– Naffter pact.

United Airlines under fire after man is dragged off overbooked flight
–– Skies friendly, runway a bitch.

Passenger dragged off overbooked United flight
–– They did offer him seat on left wing.

Marvel Artist Ardian Syaf Hid Anti-Christian And Jewish Messages In This Week’s X-Men Comic
–– He's ex-man.

Officially fired by Marvel, Indonesian artist Ardian Syaf says, ‘When Jews are offended, there is no mercy’
–– 'Yeah, they will, like, metaphorically slay you if you draw Jehovah.'

The world's most valuable liquor company is now Chinese
–– Your drunk, you couldnt pronounce it anyway.

The World’s Most Valuable Liquor Brand Makes a Drink You’ve Probably Never Heard Of
–– And can only pronounce after six shots of it.

Ford unveils a new hybrid police car for high-speed chases
–– For pursuit of green suspects.

Nikki Haley says 'regime change' in Syria. Rex Tillerson doesn't. What gives?
–– He's Texan, prefers 'necktie party.'

Stephen Baldwin: I haven’t spoken to Alec since the election
–– Of George HW Bush.

Patrick Stewart shared how fostering a pit bull has changed his life, and get ready to cry
–– When it sinks teeth in your leg.

The American flags on the moon are disintegrating
–– Your daily metaphor.

Poland marks anniversary of president's death in plane crash
–– Crash party.

Bill Maher: Republican Motto Has Become ‘What Would a D-ck Do?’
–– D-ck nixin'.

New York State Just Passed a $163 Billion Budget and a Free College Tuition Plan
— Which will hopefully produce economists who can figure out how to pay for it.

Bill Clinton tweets about visiting Bushes in Houston
–– Also visited former parent and first lady.

In Georgia, a Democrat's 'Make Trump Furious' campaign rattles Republicans
–– All's it takes is Twitter feed.

Bat reportedly found in packaged Fresh Express salad mix
–– With guano-flavored seasoning mix.

Trump, Xi showdown fails to materialize at Mar-a-Lago
–– Xi who must be obeyed.

China president's plane stops in Alaska after Trump visit
–– Wanted to bring back Palin for trophy case.

Pope raises own mortality in rallying youth to lead church
–– ‘Join or I kill myself!’

‘The Assignment' Director on Transphobia Accusations and the Script Change Michelle Rodriguez Rejected
–– Having part cut.

A Strike in Syria Restores Our Credibility in the World
–– Thinks a 10-year-old boy.

How China Came to Dominate the Solar Power Industry
–– Republican Congress.

Camera pans to cheese puffs at Spicer briefing
–– Or is it Trump’s head?

Trump grandchildren perform for President Xi
–– Assemble iPhone to make him feel at home.

Tomi Lahren sues Glenn Beck and The Blaze for wrongful termination
–– Canny move.

Scarlett Johansson slams Ivanka Trump
–– In one of those Black Widow headloocks.

KFC promises to ditch antibiotic-laden chicken
–– Cook sick birds only.

Reince Priebus tries to broker peace between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner
–– Wash, spin, Reince.

Mark Hamill Quips 'Rogue One' Vader Scenes Looks Like Steve Bannon's Home Movies
–– If Vader ditched helmet.

Bannon’s Views Can Be Traced to a Book That Warns, ‘Winter Is Coming’
–– But he never finished George RR Martin.

‘A conniving bloated punk who despises mankind’: Sean Penn trashes former movie biz partner Steve Bannon
–– Poison Penn letter.

Week of 04/07/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Kushner hasn't yet detailed foreign contacts for security clearance
–– Not Russian.

Olivia Munn and Aaron Rodgers split
–– Didn't go long.

Gorsuch is confirmed, restoring conservative tilt to high court
–– Tilt as in pinball.

Inside the White House, paranoia and unrest among top staff
–– Those two's jobs are safe.

White House mulling replacements for Reince Priebus, preparing for Steve Bannon exit: report
–– Thumbing through mug shots.

Assad denounces US strike against Syria as ‘foolish’ and ‘reckless’
–– As opposed to his: 'cowardly', 'Satanic'.

Here’s how much it costs to replace the 59 Tomahawk missiles Trump fired on Syria
$70 mil, but what price can you put on killing Syrian children to avenge Syrian children?

Brian Williams tries to get poetic about strike on Syria
–– But rhymes with diphtheria.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley Blasts Russia in Emotional Speech After Syrian Chemical Attack
–– Bull Haley and the comments.

Pamela Anderson Opens Up About Her Relationship with Julian Assange: 'Everyone Deserves Love'
–– 'And I make his wicky leak.'

After Ecuador Election Results, What Happens to Julian Assange?
–– Might seek refuge in Pam Anderson's boobs.

Japanese scientists want to be first to drill into the Earth's mantle
–– Must be mantle cases.

600,000 albuterol inhalers recalled
–– Don't hold breath.

Preet Bharara Links Firing to Trump Team’s ‘Helter-Skelter Incompetence’
–– Inspired by Charlie Manson.

Russia Bans a Not-So-Manly Image of Putin
–– From billions of minds worldwide.

‘Flip Or Flop’ Hosts Feuding With ‘Vintage Flip’ Hosts?
–– Who flippin’ cares?

Man dies attempting Voodoo Doughnuts eating challenge
–– Buried in hole.

A maid dangling from a high-rise window begged for help. Her boss filmed her instead
–– Said she didn't do windows.

China is Now More Popular than Trump among Americans, Polls Indicate
–– In takeaway.

Trump and Xi Jinping have a surprising amount in common
–– Authoritarian leanings, lack of command of English, desire to jail journalists.

How Trump is squandering his power with China and Egypt
–– In latest slang for spilling seed.

Is Ann Coulter Dating Jimmie ‘Dyn-o-mite’ Walker? Norman Lear Says Yes
–– Dino might.

South Carolina Toddler Has the Best Response When Cashier Asks Why She Wants a Black Doll: 'It Was a Proud Moment,' Says Mom
–– ‘Barbie can’t clean her own house.’

Bethenny Frankel: 'I Don’t Need a Man For Anything - Even Sex'
–– Men: ‘Phew!’

Texas governor proposes jailing officials in sanctuary cities
–– "'N' stringin' up them thar ill-egals."

Steve Bannon reportedly threatened to quit in response to removal from Trump's National Security Council
–– Can’t he just hold breath until he’s reinstated?

Steve Bannon Calls Jared Kushner a ‘Cuck’ and ‘Globalist’ Behind His Back
–– 'Cuck' sucker.

In Battle for Trump’s Heart and Mind, It’s Bannon vs. Kushner
–– They deserve one nut apiece.

Indian police trying to identify girl found in forest living with monkeys
–– Calls self Mi Jain.

Senators lament killing the filibuster but do it anyway
–– Feel same about self-respect.

O’Reilly’s top advertiser -- a gold company -- is staying
–– Will extend golden showers.

Twitter sues government to stop unmasking of anti-Trump account
–– Tweet thins.

Trump on Syria's Assad: 'Something should happen'
–– ‘Ask the President!’

Disney seeks patent for a 'humanoid robot' that can play a character
–– Isn't Chris Evans already trademarked?

Don Rickles, legendary insult comic, dead at 90
–– “The black guy in the front row just said, ‘He was still alive?’”

Jimmy Kimmel Chokes Up In Emotional Goodbye To Don Rickles
–– The hockey puck!

Penn Jillette: Don Rickles was the kindest man on earth
–– Penn Jillette needs new friends.

House intel chairman stepping aside from House Russia investigation
–– Promises to burn copy of Russia House.

Nunes is out of the Russia probe, and the Susan Rice spin collapses
–– Like white on Rice.

Woman falls off California's highest bridge while taking selfie
–– High? Deaf?

Dolan Acknowledges Confronting Knicks Fan Outside the Garden
–– No MSG added.

Films Like ‘The Boss Baby’ Can Be Painful for Adoptees and Foster Kids
–– And Charles Dickens will just blow there little minds.

Schwarzenegger accuses Trump of 'robbing (children) blind'
–– And killing their guide dogs.

Secret Service agent on VP's detail caught after meeting with prostitute at Maryland hotel
–– At least he didn't eat alone with her.

Undocumented husband of Indiana Trump supporter deported to Mexico
–– Maybe that was her plan.

Senator Jeff Merkley Spoke All Night Against Gorsuch Nomination (but It Wasn’t a Filibuster)
–– Save your breath.

Trump Adviser Carter Page Reportedly Passed Documents To Russian Spy
–– Carted page for days.

Trump Asked ‘Lots of Questions’ on Air Force One, General Says
–– ‘I repeated bathroom was in rear 10 to 15 times.’

A Public Restroom Fit for Brooke Astor Gets an Upgrade
–– It’s for dead people?

Jordan Klepper of ‘The Daily Show’ Is Getting His Own Show
–– Because somebody misses smarm meister Craig Killborn?

Muslim Babies Likely to Outnumber Others by 2035, Report Says
–– Thanks, God!

Trump Calls Toxic Attack in Syria ‘an Affront to Humanity’
–– ‘That’s what humanity told me, not always sure what it's thinking.’

Trump defends Bill O'Reilly: 'I don't think Bill did anything wrong'
–– ‘Babes could’ve been hotter, but…’

Trump: 'I now have responsibility' when it comes to Syria
–– Bannon just told me.

Rory McIlroy Says He’d ‘Think Twice’ Before Golfing Again With Donald Trump
–– Doesn't want to be identified with Tee Party.

Trump approval rating drops
–– Good news: won’t hurt as much when hits bottom.

GOP rep.: I'm ashamed of our government
–– Red-faced state.

In reversal, Bannon removed from National Security Council role
–– Can get into war without him.

Stanley McChrystal: Save PBS. It Makes Us Safer.
–– From scary monsters under bed.

Is hatred for the President disrupting the nation?
–– Or uniting sane part of it?

Ivanka Trump On Being Dad’s Assistant To The President: “I Hope To Make A Positive Impact”
–– ‘And keep Dad off the interns.’

Ivanka Trump Secretly Met With Planned Parenthood. But It Hasn't Changed Anything
–– How about no more little Kushners?

JPMorgan CEO Dimon says in annual letter that there's 'something wrong' with the US
–– ‘And we’re proud to have contributed.’

Donald Trump Still Doesn’t Understand the Unemployment Rate
–– Won't until he's fired.

The Latest: Ferguson re-elects Knowles as mayor
–– Beyoncé talks formation of government.

Shia LaBeouf's 'Man Down' Likely to End U.K. Run With Just 3 Tickets Sold
–– Now 3 men down.

Netflix Officially Kills Star Ratings, Replacing It With Thumbs
–– Critics find opposable.

Nationwide marches planned to demand Trump tax returns
–– Single file.

Krispy Kreme owner buys Panera for $7.5 billion
–– Carb loading.

Nivea pulls 'white is purity' ad after outcry
–– Need to clean out their ears.

National Organization for Women Calls for Bill O'Reilly to be Fired
–– NOW!

Why Sir Ian McKellen Turned Down The Chance To Play Dumbledore In Harry Potter
–– Hogwarts and all.

Bernie Sanders Says Trump Voters Not ‘Deplorables,’ Hillary Clinton to Blame for Election Loss
–– Has 2020 vision.

Cocaine Smuggler Pretends to Be Delta Airlines Pilot: Authorities
–– After doing some air lines.

McCain slams Trump’s Syria policy as a ‘disgraceful chapter in American history’
–– Trump: 'I'll narrate audiobook.'

O’Reilly Sexual Harassment Furor Intensifies for Fox News
–– Wasn’t Ailes sexual harassment Führer?

Tesla is worth more than Ford -- and GM is in sight
–– Investors Musk be joking.

Rex Tillerson's incredibly odd and confusing statement on North Korea
–– Rex havoc.

May isn't the first female leader to bare her head in Saudi Arabia
–– And hold onto it.

Ivanka Trump: 'I don't know what it means to be complicit'
–– Aiding and abetting ignorance.

Kendall Jenner's Pepsi ad sparks backlash
–– Viewers dyspepsic.

Why Madonna is drinking in the Pepsi controversy
–– She's Coke addict.

Roman Polanski’s Request to Have Sexual Abuse Case Resolved Is Denied
–– Forget it, Roman, it’s Chinatown.

Doris Day's Mayonnaise-Free Potato Salad Recipe
–– Been sitting in sun since 1965.

Dubai’s sky turns black after another skyscraper bursts into flames
–– Emiratis slathering buildings in sunblock.

College student dies after choking at pancake-eating contest
–– Mourners hang crepe.

Is Trump Russia’s Useful Idiot, or Has He Been Irreparably Compromised?
–– With idiots like that who needs enemies?

‘Our Dishonest President’: L.A. Times editorial eviscerates Trump
–– Finds sawdust inside.

Trump campaign advisor Carter Page targeted by Russian spies
–– Mentally soft target.

How Republicans are working to revive the health care bill
–– Voodoo.

Trump is donating his paycheck to the National Park Service
–– With string attached.

Melania Trump gets glamorous new official portrait
–– Most swiped on slavconnection.com.

Trump Shifts Course on Egypt, Praising Its Authoritarian Leader
–– Thugs and kisses.

Nunes on critics: 'I don't really listen to what anyone says'
–– You really didn’t have to tell us.

Hollywood’s Revenge of the Old White Male
–– Yeah, has to take town back from female and minority execs.

Hatch: 'Nuclear option' looks necessary to approve Gorsuch
–– Tactical nuke aimed at DNC HQ.

Jared Kushner travels to Iraq
–– If only there was travel ban on smug lumps.

At 95, Doris Day Gets As Much Tabloid Ink As the Kardashians
–– Written with quill, but still…

Jessica Chastain Reveals How Tom Cruise Saved 'Zero Dark Thirty'
–– Waterboarded reluctant investor.

Bill O'Reilly Renews Fox News Contract Despite Recent Controversy
–– Guarantees two harassments, six sexts, and option for indecent exposure.

Stranger than fiction: How forbidden book was smuggled out of N. Korea
–– Up the Pyongyang.

The sin that's not welcome in Sin City
–– Squealing.

Amid White House Tumult, Pence Offers Trump a Steady Hand
–– In lap.

Russia condemns US over 'absurd' response to Mosul civilian deaths
–– “Should celebrate like we do in Syria!”

Tina Fey to white women who voted for Trump: 'You can't look away'
–– That’s how car crashes are.

NY Times Reports 21st Century Fox & Bill O’Reilly Paid Combined $13M To Settle Harassment Claims; Host Says He’s “Target”
–– In a bull’s eye.

Seeking Kurdish support, Turkey’s Erdogan calls himself ‘guardian of peace’
–– Sends ransom note.

Week of 03/31/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spicer has no information about how Nunes got into the White House
–– Rodent-like appearance suggests burrowing.

North Carolina repeals 'bathroom bill'
–– Flushed with pride.

UConn's 111-game win streak ends with OT loss to Mississippi State
–– You suck! Loooo-sers!!! Ony 111? Sad!!!!

Uniqlo threatens to leave U.S. over Trump threats
–– Offering stylish new threats.

Vice President Pence’s “never dine alone with a woman” rule isn’t honorable. It’s probably illegal.
–– No, but his sexual magnetism oughta be.

White House Accepts ‘Political Reality’ of Assad’s Grip on Power in Syria
–– 'Putin Reality" only kind they accept.

Survey finds nearly a third of voters give Trump an 'F' for his job performance so far
–– Spicer: 'For Fantastic.'

George W. Bush Thought Trump's Inauguration Was 'Some Weird Shit,' Apparently
–– Is this sonuvabitch gonna force us to like him?

George Takei to Produce Japanese Internment Graphic Novel
–– Should be campy.

If Spiders Ate Humans, They Could Eat Us All In One Year
–– According to 'web.'

Trump walks out before signing executive orders
–– If only we could.

Coastal Carolina Cheerleaders Reportedly Suspended Amid Prostitution Allegations
–– From the ceiling.

Christie heads opioid abuse panel for Trump
–– Fact he hasn’t had bowel movement in three years chief qualification.

Trump Said He Was In Meetings But Was Actually Golfing — Again
–– Read critics' caddy comments.

Twitter Loses It Over Report Rex Tillerson Doesn’t Allow Eye Contact
–– It’s for your own good.

China’s Military Says Taiwan Is 'Doomed' and Trump's Weapons Will Be Useless
–– How fortune cookie crumbles.

‘Cards Against Humanity' Creator Threatens to Expose Congress Web History
–– Not in the cards.

Women Want Trump Impeached, Men Don't, Poll Finds
–– They prefer drawing, quartering.

India state greenlights life sentences for cow slaughter
–– Steer clear.

Thirsty cobra in India calmly accepts drink from villager
–– From his neck.

‘El Chapo' prison conditions worst in U.S., prevent proper defense: lawyers
–– No hookers, no blow, no back rubs by guards!

Drexel Professor: 'I Tried Not to Vomit' When Passenger Gave Up Seat to Soldier
–– Is 'gave up seat' dirty slang we don't know?

Rep. Mark Sanford: Trump threatened to go after me to win my vote on health care
–– 'So I bought chastity belt.'

Jennifer Lopez Sued for Failing to Promote Hoverboards on Social Media
–– And loaded guns for preteens.

Could O.J. Simpson Go From Inmate to Reality TV Star?
–– Why not President?

Venezuela’s high court dissolves National Assembly
–– That's how Caracas crumbles.

9 Comic Book Heroes Who Could Come Out on the Big Screen
–– Martian Manhunter, The Fabulous Four, Muffy the Vampire Slayer, Queerdevil, Butchy Barnes, The Flasher, Black Panter, Bi-Girl, Buttman.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner Still Benefiting From Business Empire, Filings Show
–– Americans asked to establish blind trust.

3-Year-Old Sits Down to Have Dinner With Police Officer Who Was Eating Alone
–– Cop tases parents.

Investor burned by Bernie Madoff jumps to death from Manhattan hotel
–– Unlike checks, doesn’t bounce.

Should you give your kids access to your credit card?
–– Depends how many pet hamsters you want.

74 percent of Republicans think Trump Tower was wiretapped. There is zero evidence of this.
–– 26 percent think there are bugs in Trump’s hair.

Deputy Chief of Staff Katie Walsh, top aide to President Trump leaves administration
–– Thank God, place was lousy with estrogen.

Putin slams US election meddling claims as 'lies'
–– Out of both sides of mouth.

Young Russians are fed up, and the Kremlin has taken notice
–– So Putin he is institute compassionate reform and promise transparentness and…Nyet, am just kiddng to you!

Lone Trump U. student wants Trump in court
–– Quick, give her Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Trump voter: I saw buses of illegal voters
–– ‘Lil’ green fellers with antennas, ray guns.’

Paul Ryan: I don't want to work with Democrats on health care
–– 'They have cooties we can't afford to cover.'

Trump’s New FCC Chief Could Let Big Media Get Even Bigger
–– Lazy-faire approach.

Bridgegate scandal: Ex-Christie allies sentenced to prison time
–– Should be suspended sentences.

Chris Christie on Nunes' White House grounds visit: 'Wouldn't have been the way I would’ve done things'
–– "Would've found dupes to take rap.'

Mom asks parents to beware of 'human traffickers' after chilling incident at IKEA goes viral
–– Selling Hystërokkel line.

Was The National Enquirer The ‘Source’ For Devin Nunes’s Claim That Trump Was Surveilled?
–– No, was Weekly World News’ Bat Boy.

Holocaust survivor to ICE director, California sheriff: ‘History is not on your side’
–– ICE: 'Wait til cristalnoche.'

Exxon to Trump: Don't ditch Paris climate change deal
–– Exx-effin'-on!

Trump: US troops 'fighting like never before' in Iraq
–– Because they’re not.

President Trump’s Treasury Secretary Made a Plug for 'Lego Batman.' And Probably Broke Ethics Rules
–– Thick as a tiny plastic brick.

Rachel Dolezal Says She Was 'a Little Too Black' for Her African-American Ex-Husband
–– Sounds like white lie.

Are Donald And Melania Trump Facing Marriage Troubles?
–– Naw, it's the AHCA of marriages.

34 gangsters busted in plot to steal automaker Enzo Ferrari's corpse
–– In souped-up hearse.

Spicer: If Trump uses Russian salad dressing 'somehow that’s a Russian connection'
–– Not unless it was on Putin's cucumber.

Lionel Messi shockingly suspended four games by FIFA for rant against referee
–– They said it’d get Messi.

Trump declines Nationals’ invitation to throw out first pitch on Opening Day
–– Afraid he’d throw out first back.

After health care failure, Plan B suddenly more appealing for Republicans
–– Do they need Plan B after abortion?

Trump rails against Hillary Clinton in a late-night tweetstorm amid Russia investigation
–– It’s all her fault for not winning.

Company: Oil in pipeline under Missouri River reservoir
–– What could possibly go wrong?

AP Exclusive: 'Bathroom bill' to cost North Carolina $3.76B
–– Right down the toilet.

Fake Florida doctor who ‘enhanced’ buttocks with cement, caulking gets 10 years for manslaughter
–– And summons from building inspector.

Nunes on Meeting Source on White House Grounds: 'There Was No Sneaking Around'
–– ‘I was wearing my cloak of invisibility!’

Female Smurf Erased From Billboard in Religious Israeli City
–– They heard she blue somebody.

People Are Outraged That Cuba Gooding Jr. Lifted Up Sarah Paulson’s Dress
–– Show me the moony.

200-lb gold coin that's worth more than $1 million is stolen
–– In world’s deepest pocket.

To read Trump's mind, lawmakers read 'The Art of the Deal'
–– Could just watch Despicable Me.

Richard Haste, NYPD Officer in Ramarley Graham Shooting, Resigns
–– Post Haste.

Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten Likes Trump ‘Because He Terrifies Politicians’
–– ‘And cuz heroin does permo damage, mate.’

Who Killed the Iceman? Clues Emerge in a Very Cold Case
–– Take your pick.

U.K. government wants access to WhatsApp messages
–– What sap?

Seahawks’ Trevone Boykin Arrested After Car He Was In Crashed Into Dallas Bar
–– Following pump fake.

Ivanka Trump to Attend Woman’s Economic Summit in Berlin
–– Triumph of the Swill.

NYC Mayor: "Fearless Girl" Statue Can Stay Through 2018
–– With 20% rent increase.

As more Americans fail drug tests, employers turn to refugees
–– To get some for selves.

The Weekly Standard’s Arsenal to Fight Falsehoods: ‘Facts, Logic and Reason’
–– Bullshit with straighter face.

Saturday Night Live's Michael Che Stands by Calling Boston "the Most Racist City"
–– White bean paste.

Most young people don’t use Tinder for sex or love — here’s why they really use it
–– Finger exercise.

Here’s where Prince George will be going to school in the fall because he’s growing up so fast
–– Xavier Institute for Higher Learning.

Kagame hails Rwanda-Israel bond at Washington forum
–– Nice to hear Netanyahu has other friend besides U.S.

Escalator in Hong Kong mall suddenly reverses direction
–– What’s up with that?

CNN Hires “Silly, Craven” Conservatives, Podcaster Jon Lovett Says…On CNN
–– Silly Craven given own show.

Everyone is laughing at Fox News for its 'alert' about Trump working from the White House
–– Followed by one about equally rare sighting of Sasquatch.

EPA chief: Trump to undo Obama plan to curb global warming
–– Wants oceanfront view for Vegas Hotel.

Why Are US-Iran Ties Worsening? Tehran Imposes Sanctions On American Companies In Tit-For-Tat
–– Trump’s the tit.

Alex Jones apologizes for promoting ‘Pizzagate’ conspiracy
–– Tells listeners it ‘wasn’t bat shit crazy enough.’

Shaffer: Trump Wiretapping Case Exponentially 'Worse Than Watergate'
–– Comment exponentially ‘dumber than Pizzagate.’

U.S. military says it may be responsible for airstrike that allegedly killed 200 Iraqi civilians
–– Stress alleged deaths hurt less.

Why Republicans dutifully defend Trump's most ridiculous lies
–– Only marginally more ridiculous than own.

Obama is going to a secluded island to write a book
–– Trump jealous: he wants to got there and burn one.

Republican lawmaker quits conservative House group over healthcare conflict
–– Act of unconscience.

Oops… PAC Runs TV Ads Thanking Some Republicans For Repealing Obamacare
–– But they did in alternate reality.

President Trump Tweets Plug for Fox News Host Hours Before She Calls for Paul Ryan’s Resignation
–– Friend with benefits.

‘I’m not going to deny that': Congressman responds to report that Trump said he was 'destroying the Republican Party'
–– ‘But we don’t need his help!’

Trump Recognizes Decorated Vets on 'Medal of Honor Day'
–– But only ones decorated in gold.

‘Is he ready to apologize?': Fox News anchor confronts Trump chief of staff over Obama wiretap claims
–– Not enough time in next 46 months.

Kim Kardashian West wants another baby
–– She’s still hungry.

Study shows no long-term cognitive benefit to breastfeeding
–– Produces usual number of boobs.

Kushner to lead 'American Innovation' office at White House
–– Finding new ways to reimagine truth.

Harrison Ford called himself a 'schmuck' after plane mishap
–– Shvantz solo.

Pig-masked man among burglars to hit Bellagio jewelry store in Las Vegas
–– Or was that tourist at buffet?

Napolitano told friends he was on Trump's Supreme Court shortlist
–– On short bus.

Rep. Mark Sanford: 'Testosterone can get you in trouble'
–– 'But can't keep you from be reelected by morons in South Carolina.'

Mindy Kaling disses Sen. Cory Booker and gets a dinner date
–– Bookered a table.

Week of 03/24/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump tastes failure as U.S. House healthcare bill collapses
Tastes like Trump Tower Taco Bowl.

Trump Wants "Make-or-Break" For Obamacare Repeal
–– You deserve a "Break" today.

Trump’s art of no deal: Find someone to blame
–– What are flunkies for?

Price dismisses prediction that Obamacare repeal will fail as ‘palace intrigue’
–– 'Like in Westeros.'

Gergen: May be worst 100 days of any presidency
–– It’s only 64, feels like 10,000.

Hillary Clinton on GOP health bill breakdown: ‘The fight isn’t over yet’
'I'm still struggling to suppress laughter.'

Republicans Land a Punch on Health Care, to Their Own Face
–– DIY nose job.

Trump-voting wife surprised as US gets ready to deport her Mexican husband
–– Pleasantly?

Rural Areas Brace for a Shortage of Doctors Due to Visa Policy
–– At least cows will be safe from terrorists.

I Loved My Grandmother. But She Was a Nazi.
–– Mine had mustache, too.

Mnuchin: Trump has 'perfect genes,' has given up KFC
–– He should return after staining them.

Mnuchin talks tech: 'I don't understand these valuations'
–– ‘But as Treasury Secretary, I don’t really need to –– trashing them's enough.’

Outcry rises when Trump’s treasury chief, Steve Mnuchin, scoffs at AI impact on jobs
–– He could be replaced by TI pocket calculator from 80s.

Melania’s camp denies US Weekly’s ‘separate bed’ report
–– Failed to mention electrified fence around hers.

Nunes: 'There Was No Wiretapping of Trump Tower'
–– Just tired rapping.

‘This is a bizarre situation:' John McCain says Congress no longer has 'credibility' to conduct Trump-Russia probe alone
–– Or feed self.

Russia's New 'Satan' Nuclear Weapons System Could Wipe Out Texas or France, But Testing is Behind Schedule
–– Please test bomb Texas first.

Putin critic Denis Voronenkov shot dead in Ukraine
–– Insurance ruled it 'Act of Vlad.'

Scary Mommy Founder Jill Smokler: 'My Husband Is Gay'
To him she was really scary Mommy.

Republican Senator Hails Goldman Sachs As A Champion Of ‘The Little Guy’
–– Lent him money for penile implant.

A year ago, North Carolina passed America's first bathroom bill. It's still feeling the pain.
–– Relieved to hear it.

North Korea Spokesman Criticizes Trump for Being Too Much Like Obama
–– All Americans look alike.

Anne Frank Center demands apology from Tim Allen for '30s Germany' remark
–– Allen: 'Geez, they're like the Gestapo!'

Trump’s Rex Tillerson did not want to be Secretary of State: 'my wife told me I'm supposed to do this'
–– ‘She said ya gotta take out the garbage.’

Gorsuch frustrates Democrats at confirmation hearing
–– Just wait until he’s on bench.

North Dakota governor approves concealed guns without a permit
–– Keeps his in rectal holster.

Shia LaBeouf's Anti-Trump Project Moves to Liverpool
–– Where it can do some real good.

Kate Winslet, Once Called "Blubber," Reveals How She Fought Back Against Childhood Bullies
–– “Blubber” never answered.

Rick Perry challenges election of Texas A&M’s first gay student body president, says it was ‘stolen’ in ‘name of diversity’
–– Total waste of Energy.

Girl meets Pope. Girl steals his hat.
–– Beanie baby.

Fire destroys church owned by white supremacist in North Dakota
–– Maybe there is a God.

Mark Burnett, Roma Downey Prepping Miracle Drama 'Messiah' for Netflix
–– Maybe not.

Trump defends wild claims: 'I'm president, and you're not'
–– You mean it’s not nightmare?

Donald Trump Jr. Criticizes London Mayor After Deadly Attack
–– Asshole doesn’t fall far from tree.

Son, 18, accused of beating, stabbing mother on her birthday
–– After he cut cake.

Handcrafting Papal Bells With Italy's Oldest Family Business
–– Handling Papal balls slightly older.

Baby Born with 4 Legs and 2 Spines Thrives After Risky Surgery Removes Two Extra Limbs
–– Perhaps he could donate spine to Mitch McConnell.

TRUMP THREATENS HOUSE REPUBLICANS: If you vote against the healthcare bill, 'many of you will lose your seats in 2018'
–– ‘Same as if you don't impeach me.’

Comey: Lying to a reporter is not against the law
–– Or Sean Spicer would be in Gitmo.

Tomb of Jesus reopens after original burial place uncovered for the first time in centuries
–– God balks at more perpetual care fees.

Chuck Barris, TV game show creator and host, dies at 87
–– Gonged but not forgotten.

WSJ editorial: Most Americans may conclude Trump 'fake president'
–– If they they asked 'May I?'

Officials: Smugglers use tricycle, fox urine to move drugs across the country
–– Hounds, horses way confused.

Donald Trump: America's Marie Antoinette
–– With weaker grasp of English.

Trump’s first pick for labor secretary is out as fast food CEO
–– Andy, we Hardee knew ye.

Roger Stone: Don't trust intelligence community on Russia claims
–– ‘Trust Putin!’

Sean Spicer's credibility called into question
–– Latest slang for sanity.

Dylann Roof friend sentenced to 27 months in prison
–– Court rules hours spent in his company time served.

‘He’s Not a Professional Liar’: CNN Panel Goes Off the Rails Over Trump’s Wiretap Claims
–– 'Just an incredibly gifted amateur.'

Trump credits his Twitter wrath for Kaepernick's unemployment
–– Trump should take a knee…to groin.

‘I Don’t Know Yet’: OMB Director Mulvaney on Whether Budget Can Be Balanced in Trump’s First Term
–– ‘Wait until I stop laughing.’

Mulvaney: 'Only way to get truly universal care is to throw people in jail'
–– Where they’d get much better care than plan provides.

Secretary Of State Tillerson Will Visit Russia In April, But Will Miss A NATO Meeting
–– Putin his best foot forward.

Sean Spicer says Trump campaign chairman actually played 'limited role' in campaign
–– 'You know Trump doesn't listen to anybody.'

Fox News Host Thinks Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow Should Be 'Killed' for Anti-Trump Actions
–– And 'just, y'know, because…'

Fox News Pulls Napolitano Over Wiretap Claims
–– Will return to collecting tolls under bridge.

Time, People Drop Out of White House Correspondents’ Event
–– Pennysaver, Shoprite circular book top tables.

Woody Harrelson Reveals He Gave Up Pot After ‘Partying Too F—ing Hard’
–– 'I haven't smoked since a joint since…whoa, what's this thing on fire in my mouth?'

Tomi Lahren's show pulled for a week after abortion comments
–– Career hanging by wire.

Republican Behind Benghazi Probe Suggests Jailing Journalists Who Publish Secrets
–– Gowdy doody.

Teen Admits He Jumped Into Crocodile-Infested River To Impress Girl
–– Should've just bought her Crocs.

Donald Trump Exposed As A Hopeless Conspiracy Theorist By Basically Everyone Who Matters
–– Did anyone ask Oliver Stone?

David Rockefeller, Philanthropist and Head of Chase Manhattan, Dies at 101
–– Ousters Rockefeller.

Tom Brady’s Missing Super Bowl 51 Jersey Located by FBI, NFL Security
–– Wrapped around Trump's tax returns.

Paul Ryan says he has wanted to reform Medicaid since he was 'drinking at a keg'
–– And mocking old poor people.

Paris Orly Airport: Father of gunman says son 'not a terrorist'
–– But he played one on TV.

Jimmy Breslin, larger-than-life New York newspaperman, dies
–– Bury the lead.

Trump's former campaign chairman had $10 million contract to 'greatly benefit' Putin government
–– But don't go Russian to any conclusions.

Trump on Putin: One tough cookie
–– Laced with polonium.

Tom Price: Trump's health care promises will be true down the line
–– ‘2080, 2090, thereabouts.’

Pope to visit Egypt to meet imam, persecuted Copts
–– Expected to Copt plea.

Tillerson finally speaks: 'The threat of North Korea is imminent'
–– ‘Ah saw that on Fox.’

Secret Service Reveals White House Intruder Wandered for 17 Minutes Before Arrest
–– Wouldn’t take hint when agents said ‘Getting warmer.’

I Posed for 'Maxim' and I’m Running for Congress. It Shouldn’t Be That Shocking.
–– Not after Trump.

Non-Depressing Documentaries on Netflix
–– And other empty categories.

Donald Trump Jr. Is His Own Kind of Trump
–– Just oilier.

Chuck Berry, Rock ’n’ Roll Pioneer, Dies at 90
–– Berryed.

Referee Stuns Players by Throwing Down Vicious Windmill Dunk
–– In Netherlands.

Texas bill would fine men $100 each time they masturbate
–– So-called ‘sex-shooter’ law.

What is Neil Gorsuch's religion? It's complicated
–– He's Unitarian Satanist.

Selena Gomez: 'I just really can't wait for people to forget about me'
–– Wait no more.

Donald Trump: A Fox News president
–– 'I miss the days when that meant bulletins from Miss Universe dressing room.'

Week of 03/17/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Ryan Clings to Core of GOP Health Bill as Opposition Mounts
–– Like lifesaver, which is only pill covered for poor.

What to eat to beat a hangover
–– St. Patty melt.

Trump's 'Irish proverb' claimed by Nigerian poet
–– Proverbial fuck-up.

Paul Ryan weighs in on the Trumpcare vs. Ryancare debate
–– Idontcare.

Hillary Says She’s ‘Ready To Come Out Of The Woods’ In Ironic St. Patrick’s Day Speech
–– In latest slang for kick Ambien.

Meet the New Monopoly Tokens: A Rubber Ducky, a T-rex and a Penguin
–– Also HUD Secretary Carson's new staff.

Trump budget chief defends aid cuts for children, elderly
–– Can't suppress evil cackle.

Ryan Braun gripes about spring training: 'We don't get paid by the hour'
–– Brains or Braun?

Fired US attorney Preet Bharara said to have been investigating HHS secretary Tom Price
–– Paid the Price.

Secret Service laptop containing Trump Tower evacuation and floor plans stolen
–– From top-secret Keystone Kops division.

Angela Merkel Asked President Trump to Shake Hands. He Appeared to Ignore Her
–– He's also Germanphobe.

Donald Trump Says He And Angela Merkel ‘Have Something In Common’ On Wiretapping
–– It's only way either wants to hear other's voice every again.

Trump stands by wiretapping claim during Merkel visit
–– Which is embarrased to be seen with him.

Trump on wiretapping: Talk to Fox News
–– 'They're in charge.'

House intel chairman: No evidence of wiretapping claim
–– 'Oh wait, Judge Napolitano is coming on Fox and Friends…'

Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Goes Missing To Highlight Vanishing Bee ColoniesHoney Nut Cheerios Bee Goes Missing To Highlight Vanishing Bee Colonies
–– Buzz-worthy?

These are the 138 stores JCPenney is shutting down
–– Penney dreadful.

Former Trump campaign chief Paul Manafort wanted for questioning in Ukraine corruption case
–– Crimea doesn't pay?

Russian Spy Ship Spotted 20 Miles Off the Coast of Georgia Near U.S. Navy Base
–– Threaten to make it Soviet Republic again.

‘Power Rangers’ TV Actor Admits Killing Roommate; Faces 6 Years Behind Bars
–– Like any prison could hold him.

Macomb County transgendered teen's mom transitions to a man
–– So new daughter can have old clothes.

Ryan Murphy has a new FX show, and it’s almost time to rename FX “The Ryan Murphy Channel”
–– Or how about FUX?

Brute turns himself in for savage beating of man who offered to pay for meal
–– Et too, brute?

Starbucks bomber: Indonesian Isis commander in Syria accidentally blows himself up
–– Triple shot espresso combusted.

Heather Mack, Convicted of 'Suitcase Murder' of Mom, Turns 2-Year-Old Daughter Over to a Guardian from Bali Prison
–– Citing 'my baggage.'

When Trump said 'CIA was hacked', he may have revealed classified information, says Adam Schiff
–– On bright side, it wasn't overt lie.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez step out for date night in Miami
Hitting new J-Lo.

A porn actress, a bogus doc and a butt implant gone bad — it’s a Miami crime story
–– And Chapter One of Melania's forthcoming autobiography.

Ancient pharaoh statue dug up from Cairo mud is not Ramses II but a different king
–– Amengunk I.

Fox News Poll: 34% of Voters Favor GOP Health Care Plan
–– Those with current scripts for medical marijuana.

Trump and Ryan: Health Bill May Test Marriage of Convenience
–– After pap smear.

Tillerson: Use of pre-emptive force an option with N. Korea
–– Kim: 'Is what I've been saying!'

White House apologizes to British government over spying claims
–– But not to U.S.

What America would look like under the Trump budget
–– You saw Mad Max: Fury Road?

Burger sells for $10,000 in Dubai
–– At Sheik Shack.

Trump Budget Is ‘Heavy Lift,’ Even for G.O.P. Congress
–– Which is full of dumbbells.

Why Steve King Keeps Winning
–– Have you been to Iowa?

An Army general says an ally used a $3 million Patriot missile to shoot down a $200 drone
–– ‘Ha ha, imagine any sane country wasting that kind of money on unnecessary weapons?’

Donald Trump Walks Back Obama Claim On Tucker Carlson’s Show: “Wiretap Covers A Lot Of Different Things”
–– "Wires. Taps."

President Trump pivots on wiretapping accusation, brushes aside tax leak
–– Sits on it, rotates.

Okla. Senator, and Trump Supporter, Caught in Motel Room with Teenage Boy: Authorities
–– Measuring his hands.

McDonald’s tweets, deletes message to Trump: 'You're disgusting'
–– Like Giga Big Mac.

Vladimir Putin Character Cut From Luc Besson's Russian Thriller
–– Removed all topless scenes.

James Woods Sued for $3 Million by Woman Falsely Identified as Nazi Trump Supporter
–– Due to redundancy?

Forgotten weed stash donated to Goodwill
–– Lucky girl got grass skirt.

Sen. Paul proposes insurance through the NRA
–– Plenty of free shots.

Trump administration open to making some Medicaid recipients work, pay premiums
–– Only sickest ones.

Florida Poised to Strengthen ‘Stand Your Ground’ Defense
–– Just not enough unjustified shootings.

DOJ: 2 Russian spies indicted in Yahoo hack
–– And offered co-presidency of company.

Ed Whitlock, Oldest Marathoner to Break Four Hours, Dies at 86
–– Broke six feet.

Disney Says It Won’t Edit ‘Beauty and the Beast’ for Malaysian Censors
–– In their cut LeFou may lay Gaston.

‘This Is Us’ star Sterling K. Brown: ‘Jack died the way that he lived’
–– As fictional TV character.

Conservative news site sole media outlet on Tillerson Asia trip
–– Tease for the Tillerson.

Man in critical condition after chicken joint assault
–– Hit with deep-fried leg.

White House: Kellyanne Conway was joking when she talked about microwave surveillance
–– But did try taking selfie with blender.

White House: Microwave is 'not a sound way of surveilling someone'
–– So they’re budgeting $100 mil to buy them for CIA.

White House says it doesn't matter if Trump told Bharara he would stay on
–– Everyone knows word’s worth shit.

An investigation of air quotes, mostly used to discredit the other side’s words, not your own, as per Sean Spicer
–– “An investigation”.

Rep. Quigley on White House defense of Trump’s wiretapping allegations: ‘I don’t even know where the satire begins’
–– When does it end?

ICE agents make arrests at courthouses, sparking backlash from prosecutors and attorneys
–– Now that's cold.

The White House thought CBO estimates would show GOP health-care bill would cause millions more to lose insurance
–– Which is WH goal.

‘Failing career’: President goes after Snoop Dogg for shooting Trump clown in music video
–– Dogg pound.

Trump to announce do-over on fuel economy rules for automakers
–– Go suck on a tailpipe.

Ivanka Trump brand will shut down jewelry line
–– Choker.

Senator rips top Marine over nude photo scandal
–– Dressed him down.

Outrage after Brazil football team signs goalkeeper convicted of killing girlfriend
–– In sudden death.

Mark Cuban calls Trump ‘the Zoolander president,’ won’t rule out running
–– Because America needs its Hansel.

Parliament backs Brexit bill as Scotland bids to break away
–– Scotchit.

Christian mom cancels $6,000 Disneyland trip over 'Beauty and the Beast' gay character
–– Talk about queer behavior.

Donald Trump Jr tells Dallas Republicans' fundraiser he has zero contact with his father
–– Even when in same room, like always.

Malaysia says Kim Jong Nam's body has been embalmed
––Will be returned to Kim Jong Un for trophy case.

New York attorney general: Tillerson used 'Wayne Tracker' email at Exxon to discuss climate
–– Was originally ‘Wayne Danger’.

Conway denies suggesting wider surveillance of Trump
–– After suggesting wider surveillance of Trump.

Oranges target of Turkish anger in Netherlands row
–– Squeeze play.

For Solace and Solidarity in the Trump Age, Liberals Turn the TV Back On
–– And relight bong.

24 Million Will Lose Insurance, Analysis of G.O.P. Bill Says
–– Secretary Price: 'But think of the Social Security savings when mortality rate skyrockets.'

OMB director: The CBO is 'terrible at counting coverage'
–– ‘They said 15 million would have Obamacare, but it’s only 10, so they’re calculation of how many were uninsured was low by a third. Only 24 million –– dream on!’

Donald Trump Blames Press For Pushback On GOP Healthcare Plan
–– ‘Idiots that voted for me couldn’t figure it out on their own.’

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Spinoff ‘Young Sheldon’ Officially Ordered at CBS
–– For those who don't get nerd sex jokes.

Top students more likely to smoke pot, drink alcohol, study says
–– Accounts for high scores.

Spicer: Trump didn't mean wiretapping when he tweeted about wiretapping
–– We mean fucking liar when writing about fucking liar.

Why the CIA uses board games to train its agents
–– Instructed to never say die.

Trump sets expectations on GOP health plan: 'It's going to take a little while to get there'
–– There being history’s scrap heap.

MTV Movie Awards won't just honor movies anymore
-– TV to be lavished with faintest of praise.

Putting 'America First,' Trump said to plan lighter foreign travel than predecessors
–– Maybe disinvitations have something to do with that.

Kellyanne Conway on Surveillance Comments: "I'm Not Inspector Gadget"
–– Absolutely nothing under her hat.

Steve King Says Civilization Can’t Be Restored With ‘Somebody Else’s Babies’
–– 'But chain gangs can be.'

Steve King: Blacks and Hispanics 'will be fighting each other' before overtaking whites in population
–– King's I Halve a Dream speech.

Iraqi general says 30 percent of west Mosul recaptured from Islamic State
–– Can't get to second base.

Hunters deployed to kill radioactive wild boars as residents return to homes in Fukushima nuclear disaster zone
–– Easy to track because they glow in dark.

Trump looking to Sarah Huckabee Sanders in tough moments
–– Like if he can't finish dessert.

Man pictured ‘humping’ Fearless Girl statue unveiled on Wall Street for International Women’s Day
–– Inspires macaroni sculpture Feckless Bro.

Lawsuit alleges that NFL teams gave painkillers recklessly
–– Made players sore.

Kremlin spokesman: 'Russia is being demonized'
–– ‘And she like it!’

McCain calls on Trump to clarify wiretapping claim
–– Like asking goldfish to explain Theory of Relativity.

During his political rise, Stephen K. Bannon was a man with no fixed address
–– Or moral code.

Steve Bannon's Vacated Florida Home Allegedly Had a Bathroom Destroyed by Acid
–– Which might explain missing neighborhood children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Shoots Down U.S. Senate Run
–– With grenade launcher left over from Predator.

What Happens When You Fight a ‘Deep State’ That Doesn’t Exist
–– Yer looking at it.

Trump aide Boris Epshteyn arrested in 2014 for sucker punching man in bar parking lot: Smoking Gun
–– Ep shteyns are hardest to remove.

Trump administration teams up with Big Pharma to block drug pricing transparency
–– Even own antipsychotics?

Assad: US military forces in Syria are 'invaders'
–– Lisping tough.

Dan Rather: 'We are a deeply divided country'
–– News flash.

Trump’s Twitter frenzy on wiretapping came after an aide placed an explosive Breitbart story in his reading pile
–– Atop Bazooka Joe comics, Gent magazine, TV Guide.

Fox News Host to Mexican-Born Journalist Jorge Ramos: ‘You’re Whiter Than I Am’
–– Pillsbury Doughboy isn’t whiter than Tucker Carlson.

Kentucky Man Who Scalped His Ex-Girlfriend Tells Sentencing Judge ‘I Don’t Need a Lecture’
–– ‘Barber school, maybe.’

US Attorney Bharara fired in standoff with Trump
–– Wasn’t Preety.

Week of 03/10/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Schiff: I haven't seen any evidence Obama admin wiretapped Trump
–– But didn't examine President's EEG.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick: I need to 'grow up'
–– Uber obvious.

Pastor Arrested for Chopping Up Teen Kept Counseling Kids for 23 Years
–– Cutting class.

South African becomes first person to cross the Atlantic on a paddleboard
–– Caught wave in Antigua which carried him back to Morocco.

Humanity might have received a signal from aliens that it isn’t checking, says Harvard professor
–– Or could be another robocall.

Twitter has a field day with Sean Spicer’s upside-down flag pin
–– Stands on head to fix problem.

Farmer, 83, weeps as jury clears him of GBH after he was taken to court for shooting suspected thief on his property
–– Geriatric Bodily Harm.

Mediterranean cruise mystery: Did Apple consultant use suitcase to throw wife's body overboard?
–– Investigators interrogate Siri.

Hindus condemn CNN presenter who ate human brain during documentary on sect
–– Without dipping sauce.

Donald Trump-Russia dossier: Sex act claims are 'absolutely true', claims Democrat congresswoman
–– In a Trumpian sense.

FBI Investigating `Odd` Computer Link Between Russian Bank, Trump Organization: Sources
–– `Odd` because both used PIN LOCKHERUP16.

Sean Hannity pushes conspiracy theory that CIA hacked Democrats, framed Russia
–– To defeat Clinton, impeach Trump, discredit Pence, Ryan, McConnell, the Cabinet and install Kiefer Sutherland as President.

Seattle synagogue vandalized with Holocaust denial graffiti
–– Believe it or Nazi.

Trump transition knew of Flynn's pro-Turkey lobbying before White House appointment
–– 'Sure, that's what we called promoting our candidate.'

Ukraine lawyer seeks probe of alleged hacked texts of Manafort's daughter
–– How about his sexts to Putin?

Trump administration dismisses 46 US attorneys
–– Rescuing their reputations.

Vitaly Mutko, Russia’s Deputy Premier, Is Barred From FIFA Leadership
–– Putin's butt boy not corrupt enough.

Little-noticed House Republican bill would let employers demand workers’ genetic test results
–– Workers suggest daily stool samples on boss' desk.

Pan, Moon of Saturn, Looks Like a Cosmic Ravioli (or Maybe a Walnut)
–– Or Neil Armstrong's left nut.

From blockbusters to art-house muse, is Kristen Stewart the best actress of her generation?
–– Then God help her generation.

Congress Warns Donald Trump: Stop Deleting Your Tweets
–– Because future generations will not believe shit you wrote.

Mom Busted in Alleged Attack on Woman, 71, With Victim's Own Cane for Saying Her Child Needs Manners
–– Providing child valuable lesson on how to treat rude people.

Gatorpalooza: Hundreds of Alligators Photographed Congregating at Watering Hole
–– Tipping the scales.

Spicer repeats 'I'm not aware' 10 times at briefing
–– His only truthful statements.

Judge who asked woman why she couldn't keep knees together resigns
–– Why couldn't he keep lips together?

Pope signals he's open to married Catholic men becoming priests
–– Gives chastity belt.

NASA finds lunar spacecraft that vanished 8 years ago
–– In moon's cheeks.

Passenger causes plane to divert after he's charged $12 for a blanket
–– Linus Van Pelt removed by authorities.

No. 1 Amazon bestseller: 266 blank pages on why to vote Democrat
–– Book Trump voter could read.

Under the sea! Daring Tiffany Trump goes snorkeling with SHARKS during her Belize vacation, before posing for a sweet snap in the sea with longtime beau Ross Mechanic
–– Reminded her of family dinners with dad.

Casey Anthony insists OJ Simpson is INNOCENT as 'America's most hated mother' compares her own case to his saying they both suffered from 'distorted facts'
–– Finally has character witness he deserves.

South Korean Stores Feel China’s Wrath as U.S. Missile System Is Deployed
–– Seoul crushing.

South Korea Removes President Park Geun-hye
–– Park and wreck.

Indonesia’s Sentencing of ‘Son of God’ Adds to Alarm Over Crackdown
–– Doubt religious convictions.

Miami lawyer's pants burst into flame during closing arguments of arson trial
–– Briefs aired.

Has Syria’s Dictator Assad Suffered a Stroke?
–– Of good luck that Trump was elected?

U.S. Consumer Comfort Just Reached Its Highest Level in a Decade
–– Trump comfort at all-time low.

Rhino shot dead at Paris zoo by poachers who cut horn off with chainsaw
–– Wasn't a keeper.

Risperdal: Johnson & Johnson lawsuits spike from men who 'grew breasts' using antipsychotic drug
–– Didn’t boobs make them nuttier?

EPA chief: Carbon dioxide not 'primary contributor' to climate change
–– Could be methane emanating from his gaping maw.

There is a retail bubble -- and it's bursting
–– Bubble, bath and beyond.

Staples to close 70 more stores
–– That was sleazy.

Fox News still hounded by sexual harassment allegations
–– Fox and its hounds.

Neanderthals may have self-medicated long before pills, study shows
–– Knocking back Homotinis.

Disney CEO Bob Iger Defends Participation on Donald Trump Panel
–– Cites long history with Goofy and Dopey.

Mayor of Paterson, N.J., Is Indicted in Corruption Inquiry
–– Honoring cherished tradition.

Christie on indicted Paterson mayor: 'I don't get involved in that stuff'
–– “Kickbacks too small.’

In China, Trump Wins a Trove of New Trademarks
–– Including 'Bye American.'

97-year-old twins leave world as they entered it: together
–– Crawling back into mother's corpse.

Jenna Dewan Tatum Reveals Channing Convinced Her to Get a Lob: ‘He’s Wanted Me to Go Short for a Long Time’
–– In latest slang for lobotomy.

George W. Bush Says Prince Harry Really Is Prince Charming
–– Breaks news to Laura, pair renting love nest in trendy Soho.

U.S. general says Russia deployed land-based cruise missile
–– Trump: ‘Look, it might’ve violated a treaty, but it was a terrific missile –– not too big, but very manly.’

Monica Crowley breaks silence on plagiarism claims
–– ‘This too shall pass, and you can quote me on that.’

Trump Tweets Support for International Women's Day, Says He Has "Tremendous Respect" for Women
–– 'Why I always offer three-finger salute down there.'

Obama irked and exasperated in response to Trump's wiretapping claims, sources say
–– Bewitched, bothered, bewildered.

For Trump and Netanyahu, a Budding Symbiotic Relationship
–– Remora attached to remoron.

Lord Heseltine is sacked after Brexit rebellion and admits 'I'll be dismissed as a funny old fart but I won't change'
–– Whiffed.

Donald Trump is probably in love with me, says Arnold Schwarzenegger
–– Practices Conanism.

Tim Kaine's son arrested after allegedly disrupting pro-Trump rally
–– Kaine mutiny.

Kim Jong Nam's son appears for first time since his father's murder
–– Cries ‘Uncle’?

Who is Kim Han-Sol, son of slain Kim Jong-nam and heir to North Korean regime?
–– Um, yes?

Nike has a new product for Muslim women: The 'Pro Hijab'
–– An epic veil.

Nunes on wiretapping: Trump's new to politics
–– And Nunes apparently new to defending pathological liar.

Wikileaks claims to reveal how CIA hacks TVs and phones all over the world
–– Instead of paying for Netflix.

Panama ex-dictator Noriega is critical after brain surgeries
–– And he used to be so complimentary.

Clinton reflects: 'Life hands all of us setbacks'
–– And sometimes we share them with tens of millions of people.

Republican healthcare plan has a big tax break for insurance execs' pay
–– As long as their bank accounts are healthy.

GOP tries to discredit agency reviewing its health care bill
–– Refers to as Congressonal Bunco Office.

HHS doctor publicly comes out against GOP's health care bill
–– Thump care.

AARP comes out against House GOP health care bill
–– Blame it on American Association of Retarded Persons.

The GOP's Obamacare replacement bill: Dead on arrival?
–– Won’t even need death panel.

Trump to conservative leaders: If this plan fails, I'll blame Democrats
–– 'Why wait: it's Democrats' fault. Sad.'

Steve Jobs thought the Genius Bar should be called ‘Geek Bar’ at first
–– Or 'Nerd Center'.

Planned Parenthood rejects Trump proposal to stop abortion services
–– Panned Parenthood.

Mark Levin on Trump wiretapping claims: 'We're talking about police state tactics'
–– ‘Because hysterical inappropriate hyperbole is all we understand.'

Chaffetz: Low-income Americans will have to choose health care over iPhones
–– They eat iPhones?

Kelly: DHS is considering separating undocumented children from their parents at the border
–– Before or after they affix electronic tags?

White House plagiarizes ExxonMobil in an attempt to herald the oil giant
–– Can you plagiarize equal partner?

ESPN Expects to Lay Off More Talent in Cost-Cutting Move
–– If they can find any.

David Letterman Says Donald Trump ‘Can Lie About Anything’
–– Yes, but can he tell truth about anything?

Ben Carson: Slaves Were Immigrants Who Came Here And Worked Really Hard ‘For Less’
–– But had fabulous pension plans.

Sean Spicer hasn't held an on-camera formal press briefing in over a week
–– Um, 'Thanks'?

Robert Osborne, Turner Classic Movies host and film expert, has died
–– Osborne yesterday.

GM to cut another 1,100 jobs
–– Will tell Trump they’re all illegals.

Putin spokesman: American 'hysteria' hurting relations
–– Oooo, hope it isn’t hurting feelings, too.

Republicans will finally let public see their Obamacare plan
–– If it promises not to laugh.

Why FX's 'Feud' Used the C-Word in Its Premiere
–– Actor muffed line.

Trump Advisor Roger Stone Launches Vulgar Twitter Tirade, Admits Back Channel To Assange During Clinton Leaks
–– Julian’s ass, angel.

Jeff Sessions is a victim of the new McCarthyism
–– Yeah, remember when they forced Cabinet Member who lied to Congress to recuse self in investigation in which he’s implicated?

Steve Bannon in 2013: Joseph McCarthy was right in crusade against Communist infiltration
–– Says man who claimed, 'I'm a Leninist.'

Chuck Schumer says Trump's wiretapping tweets show 'the president is in trouble'
–– In latest slang for insane.

Where fake news goes to die
–– Trump's head.

A massive Mexico-US raw sewage spill is under investigation
–– Trump demands wall in Pacific.

Russia’s take on Trump: Glee gives way to frustration
–– Buyer’s remorsky.

76 women set sail for Antarctica
–– In latest deportations.

White House Spokeswoman Walks Back Trump Wiretapping Claims
–– As you would idiot child playing on freeway.

Trump Aides Address His Wiretap Claims: ‘That’s Above My Pay Grade’
–– Unless he's paid in hens’ teeth and ground unicorn horn.

Kelly on Trump's wiretap accusation: 'He's got his reasons'
–– Brain tumor?

Comey Asks Justice Dept. to Reject Trump’s Wiretapping Claim
–– Sessions: 'What next? Tell 'im the truth 'bout voter fraud? Inauguration crowds? His hair?'

Ex-CIA director on wiretap claim: Trump apparently ‘forgot that he was president’
–– In first true moment of national unity.

Former Trump Adviser Carter Page Flip-Flops on Russia Meetings
–– Page turner.

Jenna Jameson’s Shocking Alt-Right Transformation
–– Porn star swallows load.

Russian Lawmaker Wants ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Banned for ‘Gay Moment’
–– Of booty and the beast.

DHS assessment: Individuals radicalized once in US
–– In jihood.

Trump, Offering No Evidence, Says Obama Tapped His Phones
–– ‘We don’t need no stinkin’ evidence.’

Clapper: 'No such wiretap activity mounted' on Trump
–– Deserves round of applause.

Week of 03/03/17

Sessions met with Russian envoy twice last year, encounters he later did not disclose
–– Routine Sessions.

Bush pokes fun at Cheney
–– He knows Dick.

Jeff Sessions controversy: Russia denies its US ambassador is a spy
–– Cast a wide nyet.

Nancy Pelosi: Jeff Sessions Lied Under Oath And Must Resign
–– Recalling a simpler, lawful time.

Grassley denies calls for Sessions to testify on Russian ambassador meetings
–– 'Lying under oath? No big whoop, bro.'

In Russia probe, Congress casts wide net – including first family
–– So do booby hatch attendants.

Dreamer Arrested After Speaking To Media Will Be Deported Without Hearing, Attorney Says
–– ICE insists she was treated humanely: ‘No manacles, thumb screws or hood.’

France's Le Pen loses ground in poll after state employee comments
And in tenuous grip on reality.

Before Meeting With Muslim Constituents, GOP Lawmaker Asks If They Beat Their Wives
–– If they eat children an optional question.

Rene Preval, who led Haiti amid catastrophe, dies at 74
Which, sadly, could've been any stretch of 200-year history.

A Look At The Mysterious Hairy Blob That Washed Up In The Philippines
–– After Duterte has body wax.

El Salvador zoo in hot water over false hippo death account
–– Authorities find suicide note.

Lisa Kudrow Apparently Wasn’t ‘F**kable’ Enough For One ‘Friends’ Guest Star
–– Friends without benefits.

Emma Watson’s Boobs Prove Why We Still Need Feminism
–– They publish compelling treatise.

Alabama Theater Cancels ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Screenings Due to Gay Character
–– Owner unconcerned with implied bestiality.

Arkansas plans to execute 8 men over 10 days
–– Local March Madness event.

Will Trump use 'rustic' presidential getaway Camp David?
–– After deforestation, erection of gilded security wall.

Rust Belt voters made Trump president. Now they want jobs
–– Trump promises 'lots and lots of Rustoleum.'

Mike Pence on personal email use: 'No comparison' to Clinton
–– ‘C’mon, I have testicles.’

Ready to engage: Patrick Stewart applying for US citizenship so he can 'fight' Trump
–– Maybe he can transport us out of here.

Colin Kaepernick Reportedly Will Stand for National Anthem Next Season
–– Weak at the knees.

G.O.P. Accused of Playing ‘Hide-and-Seek’ With Obamacare Replacement Bill
–– Game of 'find the rectal thermometer.’

Senate approves Trump's nominee for Interior
–– Zinke deficiency.

New Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke rides horse to first day at work
–– Fuck them both.

Pentagon looks at authorizing some raids without White House approval
–– Easier for Trump to pass buck.

Jennifer Lopez's Sexy Washing Machine Moves Will Change How You Look at Laundry Forever
–– You’ll wanna front load.

Ben Carson Is Confirmed as HUD Secretary
–– Ba-rump-bump…

Senate confirms Perry for Energy secretary
–– Ching!

Subway Fires Back at ‘Absolutely False’ Allegations That Their Chicken Is Fake
–– ‘Like Jared, we accept only the tenderest young chicken.’

Kellyanne Conway 'inadvertently' plugged Ivanka products: White House
–– Brain completely unaware what mouth was doing.

White House: Conway acted 'without nefarious motive' in Ivanka Trump plug
–– Criminal stupidity?

Trump’s team nixed ethics course for White House staff
–– After testing at kindergarten level.

Mike Pence can't stop talking about Trump's 'broad shoulders'
–– Supporting empty head.

Trump Says 'Immigration Reform' Possible
–– Theoretically, so is licking own forehead.

Exclusive: Trump administration has found only $20 million in existing funds for wall - document
–– Consider asking Christo to put up barrier.

Melania Trump’s $9,590 Sequined Skirt Suit Called ‘Inappropriate’ for Congress
–– Not sexual congress.

Jon Huntsman Is in Running to Be Russia Ambassador
–– Must first drink vodka Kool-aid.

Scientists may have found earliest evidence of life on Earth
–– In Steven Bannon’s shorts.

Marissa Mayer loses cash bonus over security breaches
–– Pays up the Yahoo.

California plane crash survivor found in bedroom of home
–– Sleeping it off.

PwC accountants at center of 'envelopegate' won't be back to the Oscars
–– But they were sole source of entertainment.

How Trump pulled together his most presidential moment
–– He read speech he didn’t write from teleprompter. Woohoo.

7-in-10 speech-watchers say Trump boosted optimism
–– Which explains gullibility that got him elected.

‘Today, He Acted Like a Politician’: Voters’ Reactions to Trump’s Speech
–– Years on TV provided minimal acting chops.

Democratic women wear white to Trump's address
–– In preparation for sacrifice to Moloch by Trump.

What really happened in that photo of Kellyanne Conway squatting on the Oval Office couch
–– Staff forgot pee pad for carpet.

Donald Trump Gave Himself an ‘A+’ for Effort for His First Month as President
–– That really is best he can do.

Penguin Random House lands book deal with Obamas
–– His working title: Free At Last, hers: Amen!

White House condemns 'racially motivated' attack on Indians
–– And if it happens again, will issue bland condemnation in less than week!

Trump: 'Nobody knew health care could be so complicated'
–– Or President so simple.

Trump: 'Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated'
–– Nobody here in dementia unit.

Bernie Sanders burst into laughter at Trump's claim that 'nobody knew healthcare would be this complicated'
–– And GOP plan mandates that's best medicine.

Trump: I will ask Congress for a $1 trillion infrastructure bill
–– They'll receive tons of best medicine.

Trump on generals in Yemen raid: They 'lost' Navy SEAL
–– Which takes brass balls.

Gun fired during French president's speech
–– During bullet point.

Hershey’s bitter news: Cutting more than 2,000 jobs
–– With parting Kisses.

Van Jones on Trump: 'He became President of the United States in that moment, period'
–– No, sadly, it was still when 62 million idiots went to polls.

Samsung Boss Charged With Bribery, Other Corruption Offenses
–– Apple will not sue claiming he copied them.

North Korea executed 5 security officials, South Korea says
–– Made them hold arms out like wings, make sounds like crashing planes.

Pro-Trump town riled up after immigration officials arrest popular restaurant manager
–– Geniuses connect dot.

Stuffed toys leak millions of voice recordings from kids and parents
–– Julian Assange begins world’s creepiest teddy bear collection.

Why Trump's Tuesday speech isn't a State of the Union address
–– He’s not really a president.

Deputy al Qaeda leader killed In Syria
–– No wonder they’re failing with this many deputies.

Trump: Obama's people possibly behind leaks
–– He thinks he hears them in walls.

SpaceX to fly two space tourists around the moon in 2018
–– Whether inside craft or not.

George W. Bush returns to the political scene
–– We’d still like to have beer with him –– a twelve-pack.

George W. Bush: Power is addictive
–– 'S'why m'administration was junkie.'

George W. Bush discovers his 'inner Rembrandt' in homage to veterans
–– Lives next door to ‘inner outsider artist’.

In December, Sean Spicer said WH wouldn't ban media because that's the difference between a 'democracy' and a 'dictatorship'
–– So he did get through third grade.

Transgender boy wins girls' wrestling championship in Texas
–– Offers chest bump.

Judge Joseph Wapner of 'The People's Court' dead at 97
–– Remanded to lowest circuit.

’Warren Beatty Wants Academy President to ‘Publicly Clarify’ Oscar Snafu
–– Visual clarification already crystal clear.

Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Oscars Snafu: "Clyde Threw Bonnie Under the Bus!
–– Was she Dunaway with?

Trump: Oscars Best Picture Flub Occurred Because Show ‘Focused So Hard’ on Him
–– And was trying to emulate his ‘fine-tuned machine.'

You had one job: Meet the firm behind the Oscars' biggest blunder
–– Production company for 2006 winner Crash?

Oscars’ Second Snafu: In Memoriam Segment Showed Still-Alive Producer
–– Grim Reaper: 'Still, call me.'

Fallen SEAL's dad slams Trump
–– Flippers him off.

Trump to call for substantial increase in military spending, cuts to several federal agencies
–– To cover new gold lamé uniforms.

Is Donald Trump's legislative agenda a blank page?
–– Like mind?

How to effectively fact-check Donald Trump
–– Assume it’s all bullshit.

Ben Stein: Media doing to Trump what it did to Nixon
–– Reported on him.

In new era, Jewish Republican group is loyal to Trump above all else
–– Tip of the kapo.

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