Monetary Lapse of Judgment
Week of 04/25/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
On Major Economic Decisions, Trump Blinks, and Then Blinks Again
–– From repeatedly stabbing self in own eyes.
Why MAGA World is so protective of Hegseth
–– How you can get with idiot child.
Trump says he has ‘no intention of firing’ Fed Chair Powell, days after saying his ‘termination cannot come fast enough’
–– Flabby neck muscles protect president from whiplash.
Richard Branson says Trump’s tariffs messed up a promising economy: ‘Everything was going so bloody well up to about three months ago’
–– Virgin, bloody Mary!
Trump’s tariff pause only delays inevitable disaster
–– This isn't already?
The Trade Adviser Who Hates Trade
–– aka Trader Joke.
–– Bessent and the brightest.
US and global economies to slow sharply due to tariffs, International Monetary Fund warns
–– Naturally-occurring ones?
Trump Team Tips Off Wall Street Execs About Coming Trade Deal
–– Insider house rules.
Elon Musk was supposed to work in government as a special employee for 130 days. He just pledged to spend ‘a day or two’ per week for the remainder of Trump’s 4-year term
–– Redefining side hustle.
Trump administration says it sent 4 alleged migrant gang members to El Salvador despite court order
–– Adding, ‘Screw you.’
Vance, Vatican officials engage in ‘exchange of opinions’ over migrants
–– You don’t often hear Pope say ‘eff-a a-you.’
Pope meets Vance, then releases Easter message decrying ‘logic of fear’
–– Or ‘whatever that-a was.’
Francis, the First Latin American Pope, Dies at 88
–– After shaking hands with devil.
J.D. Vance Met with Pope Francis Just Before the Pope's Death. But First, the Vatican Brushed Him Off. Why?
–– Look what happened!
Pope Francis changed the plans for his own funeral last year. Here’s what to expect
–– Girls! Girls! Girls!
How Pope Francis became an unlikely fashion icon
–– So unlikely it never happened.
The new leader of the Catholic Church will inherit a financial mess that Pope Francis spent much of his reign trying to fix
–– Didn't Jesus save?
Marjorie Taylor Greene Says 'Hand of God' Defeated Evil After Pope Francis' Death
–– Devil still playing defense for this loon.
The Internet Is Applauding Jasmine Crockett For Confirming That Marjorie Taylor Greene Is "Still Winning" The Title Of "Dumbest Person In Congress"
–– Covets ‘for life.’
’Conclave’ Streaming Numbers Jump After Pope Francis’ Death
–– Streamers' Papa chubby.
Who will be next pope after Francis? Key contenders ahead of conclave.
–– Intersex Filipinos line up.
Pope Pius XII's 'Alternative' Embalming Led to a Grotesque Sight — and Smell — for Horrified Mourners in 1958
–– About right for Hitler’s favorite pontiff.
Meet the top donors to Trump’s $239 million inauguration fund
–– In case your rich scumbag dance card isn’t full.
Trump Drops or Pauses Cases Against 17 Corporations That Funded His Inauguration
–– This week in 'coinkydinks.'
Elon Musk Didn't Donate Any Money to Trump's Inauguration, Filing Shows
–– Figured campaign spend covered it.
YouTube, Amazon and Meta sign up to sponsor White House Easter Egg Roll
–– Bezos, Zuckerberg offer to have their eggs boiled, dyed, rolled.
In an Easter post, Trump said the businessmen who've criticized his tariffs are bad at both business and politics
–– Nailed too cross.
Pam Bondi Unleashes On Alleged 'Anti-Christian Bias' — And A Christian Leader Has Thoughts
–– Like ‘she’s white nationalist fanatic’?
Justice Department says it will resume practice of obtaining reporters' records in leak inquiries
–– And beatings on beats.
Judge orders Trump administration to tell fired workers they were not let go for poor performance
–– This week in ‘cold comfort.’
Hegseth Said to Have Shared Attack Details in Second Signal Chat
–– Signals he’s unfit for office.
White House stands behind Hegseth over new Signal chat allegations
–– In single-file line of incompetence, duplicity.
Hegseth spent ‘several thousand dollars’ turning Pentagon room into a make-up studio for his TV spots, report says
–– Includes 24-hour manned pomade station.
Paranoid Hegseth Is Screaming at Generals About Polygraph Tests
–– General Hysteria.
Pete Hegseth Introduces ‘No More Walking on Eggshells’ Policy to Department of Defense
–– aka ‘Sgt. Schultz’ plan.
Army Suspends Base’s First Female Commander After Trump Photo Rumors
–– She refused to display, kiss, rub herslf on.
Kristi Noem’s handbag - including her DHS access badge and $3,000 in cash - stolen from restaurant
–– This wouldn’t happen in homeland, Russia.
Kristi Noem’s Handbag Was Snatched From Beneath Her Chair, D.H.S. Says
–– Right under her brain.
Harvard Sues Trump Administration, Says $2.2 Billion Freeze Is Punishment for ‘Protecting Its Constitutional Rights’
–– Trump administration, 'What's that?'
More Than 180 Academic Leaders Condemn Trump ‘Overreach’
–– That’s all? There are approx. 5,900 colleges in US.
The federal ‘5 things’ emails have fallen apart, as Elon Musk readies exit
–– Replaced by ‘5 Things I Hate About You’ emails to Musk.
Musk Goons Purged Living U.S. Citizens from Social Security
–– Would've preferred to do live like in horror film.
Tesla’s 71% Drop in Profit May Pressure Elon Musk to Return to Day Job
— Eekvehicles.
Elon Musk Offered Ashley St. Clair $15 Million, Plus $100K a Month in Support, to Keep Quiet About Their Son
–– On Father's Day! Aww.
Matt Gaetz visited El Salvador’s mega-prison and saw people drained of hope. He then pitched it to Stephen Miller
— Biggest human hope drain he knows.
Trump backs 'baby bonus' idea to help reverse decline in birth rates
–– $5K wouldn’t cover 9 months –– of deporting an immigrant and replacing in workforce.
Trump-appointed head of National Science Foundation resigns: ‘I have done all I can’
–– C'mon, don't knock yourself –– you could've discredited pursuit of objective reality further.
Trump Joins a Bitter Fight on Long Island Over a School Mascot
–– Chief Seething Bull.
Trump was so upset by ‘small hands’ reference in 1984 GQ cover story he told staff to buy up all copies, writer says
–– Wanted to slap back, but couldn’t.
Sarah Sanders begs her old boss Trump to reconsider after president rejects Arkansas’ request for disaster relief funds
–– This week in ‘got what you paid for.’
Ex-US Rep. George Santos sentenced to over 7 years in prison for fraud and identity theft
–– Could've been pardoned, joined DOJ as anti-fraud czar if only he hadn't dressed up as woman.
Nancy Mace Yells ‘F*** You’ at Constituent in Skincare Aisle
–– Was looking for mace-based ex-foliant for face.
Trump pardons Nevada politician who paid for cosmetic surgery with funds to honor a slain officer
–– Funds clearly misspent.
MyPillow CEO's Lawyer Embarrassed In Court After Judge Grills Him Over Using AI In Legal Filing
–– Pillow sham.
Lancaster mayor's remedy for homelessness: 'Free fentanyl' and 'a purge'
–– In governor’s mansion?
Trump writes ‘Vladimir, STOP!’ after Russia launches deadliest strikes on Kyiv since last summer
–– ‘Pretty pretty please, with a vodka-dipped cherry and a couple billion on top.’
Trump calls his promise to end the Russia-Ukraine war on Day One 'an exaggeration'
–– In latest slang for 'delusional lie.'
Putin declares 30-hour Russian ceasefire in Ukraine for Easter
–– Will slaughter bunnies to stay in practice.
Son of CIA deputy director was killed while fighting for Russia, report says
–– Many CIA operatives to follow.
Boeing jet returns to US from China, a victim of Trump’s tariff war
–– Beijing filled with knockoff electronics just to rub in.
Israel is getting sucked deeper into a Gaza quagmire
–– No mean feat in desert.
Trump slams Zelensky for refusing to recognize Russian control of Crimea
–– As US, Trump agreed to in 2018.
JD Vance sparks outrage in Italy after cringe ‘jerk’ joke to Italian PM
–– Meloni baloney.
Bolsonaro’s doctors say the health of Brazil former president has stabilized
–– We’re sorry to report.
Comics like Tim Dillon helped Trump reach young men. Democrats want in on the joke
–– Why can't they attract more sweaty, dumb incels?
Bill Gates Bought His Daughter A $16 Million Horse Farm As A Graduation Gift — But Ex-Wife Melinda Says The Kids Were Raised Very 'Middle Class'
–– Class of billionaires, but still…
Top Producer of ‘60 Minutes’ Quits, Saying He Lost Independence
–– CBS' darkest hour.
Chris Cuomo Trashes Former CNN Star and Claims Friendship Was Never Real
–– Lemon harangue.
Megyn Kelly Delivers 11-Minute Rant About George Clooney After He Blasts Her for Not Being a Journalist: ‘Are Hollywood Roles Getting a Little Hard to Come by as You Age?’
–– Is spitting angry words out after face work getting little hard as you age?
–– Because her mental illness includes intense self-loathing.
’Clean Slate’ Canceled After One Season at Amazon
–– Wiped clean.
Brett Goldstein likens the revival of ‘Ted Lasso’ to the resurrection of a thought-dead cat
–– Which though-dead cat –– Vance? Rubio? Miller?
‘Tremors’ Creators Say They’ve Reclaimed Rights to Script and Plan to Expand Franchise
–– Clawed back from giant worms?
‘SNL’ Star Bowen Yang Calls Aimee Lou Wood’s Backlash to ‘White Lotus’ Spoof ‘Completely Valid’: ‘Parody Can Go Too Far Sometimes’
–– ‘And our jokes never far enough.’
George Lucas Reveals Why Yoda Talks Backwards at 'Empire Strikes Back' Anniversary Screening
–– A f**k we don’t give.
Peacock Narrows Loss to $215M, Subscribers Jump to 41M
— How proud they must feel.
Larry David Spoofs Bill Maher’s White House Visit With ‘My Dinner With Adolf’ Essay: ‘Private Hitler Was a Completely Different Animal’
–– Will be read at Maher-a-lago.
Bill Maher Responds to Larry David’s NY Times Story Ridiculing His Trump Dinner: ‘Insulting to 6 Million Dead Jews’
–– His Trump paean offended far more living ones.
Andor’ Star Genevieve O’Reilly Talks Mon Mothma’s Boozy Jig and the Chaos Inside Her Head
–– Hoping there’s reader who’s shrink that can help?
David Harbour Was Convinced His ‘Stranger Things’ Character Would Die in Season One
–– When whole show should’ve gone upside down.
Demi Moore Says Aging Is a “Tremendous Gift” and Not the Same as “Being Old”: “You Could Not Pay Me to Be 21”
–– Well, um, we wouldn’t even try.
Pete Davidson Exposes the 'Most Common Remark' He and Machine Gun Kelly Get When People First Meet Them
–– Claims it’s 'Oh, you're actually pretty cool’, but who would ever say that?
Meet the Man Behind Hadid’s Signature Flipped Bob
–– But first, is Bob alright?
Nicola Coughlan Says She ‘Wouldn’t Touch’ New ‘Harry Potter’ Series ‘With a 10 Foot Pole’ After J.K. Rowling Celebrates U.K. Ruling on Trans Women
–– Very tall slavs cry foul.
–– Will exploit any living relative to elicit sympathy.
Irish Band Kneecap Displays Anti-Israel Messages During Coachella Weekend 2 Set ‘Blindsiding’ Festival Organizers
–– Took Kneecap to groin.
Staff Had "Never Seen Queen Elizabeth as Angry" as When Royal Visitor "From Hell" Brought a Dangerous Surprise Guest
–– Satan Jr.
Tiger Woods and Vanessa Trump Make More Sense Together Than You Think
–– Has he for minute not seemed like a-hole?
A Stunning New Pool in Central Park Helps Heal Old Wounds
–– Is it fountain of youth?
It was the hedonistic party capital of Europe. Now Gen-Z wants a different kind of fun
–– Gen-Z IMed us to say.
'Florida oozes from my pores': CNN anchor shows us his favorite place to visit
–– Knew we smelled something.
I took a vacation with the Taliban — and fell in love with a terrorist as we watched ‘Gossip Girl’
–– Not Girl Interrupted? Eyes Without a Face? Female Trouble?
Gunmen disguised as soldiers kill 12 spectators at cockfight
–– We were all sympathetic until 'cockfight.'
Idaho murder trial judge to allow ‘bushy eyebrows’ testimony, but jury can’t hear about suspect’s autism unless he testifies
–– Will leave Koberger brow-beaten?
Valerie the dachshund found after 529 days in Australian wilderness
–– Sounds like a stretch.
Curious animal isolated for 40,000 years found living in Rocky Mountains
–– Was reading encyclopedia whole time.
“A male's penis may be all that a female has to go on when assessing the quality of her suitor."
–– We know you're quoting animal behaviorist, we're not sure if she's speaking from personal experience.
From a 'shrewdness of apes' to a 'bloat of hippopotamuses' here are the weirdest collective nouns
–– A ‘a laugh riot of hyenas’, a ‘circle-jerk of scorpions', a 'shitload of dung beetles.'
From whale wee to porcupine sprays: 8 fascinating – and weird – facts about animal pee
–– 8. Pissants are not always ants. 7. You'll want to duck when hawks whiz. 6. Peepee dodo was not a rude phrase employed by Polynesian children in the 1700s. 5. Bladderpuss was a settlers' nickname for an incontinent female platypus. 4. Camels actually urinate frequently, but into their own hump 3. The scent of school custodial disinfectant was originally derived from a micturating horse with a UTI. 2. A bear won an ursine pissing contest by overshooting the Pee Dee river. 1. Chimps wear diapers in captivity mostly to gratify kinky lab assistants.
Huge outcry as Australia shoots 700 adorable koalas from helicopters
–– How did they target only adorable ones?
Scientists Opened Up a 3,000-Year-Old Crocodile. The Contents Left Them Awestruck.
–– 3,100-year-old alarm clock.
Most fatal lightning strikes kill people doing this routine activity
–– Installing lightning rods.
E.P.A. Set to Cancel Grants Aimed at Protecting Children From Toxic Chemicals
–– Suggests replacing fluoride in drinking water with strychnine.
China's wind, solar capacity exceeds thermal power for first time, energy regulator says
–– Dig, baby, dig.
Starbucks and other major companies ditch key initiatives: 'There's a real danger'
–– Was always just latte foam.
Swiss National Bank rules out following climate goals with investments
–– As always, gold standard for venality.
Lar Park Lincoln, Actress in ‘Knots Landing’ and ‘Friday the 13th Part VII,’ Dies at 63
–– Lincoln parked.
Lulu Roman, Star of TV's 'Hee Haw' Over a Nearly Quarter-Century Run, Dies at 78
––
Hay cedes.
