Ass**le Mania
Week of 06/06/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump and Musk Alliance Crumbles Amid Public Threats and Insults
–– Like fender on robotaxi.
RFK Jr. is coming for school pizza
–– Is it pepperoni has him aroused?
Elon Musk Claims Donald Trump ‘Is in the Epstein Files’: ‘That Is the Real Reason They Haven’t Been Made Public’
–– Trump’s public record 1000x worse.
Late Night Erupts With Schadenfreude Over Donald Trump’s Feud With Elon Musk: “World War Douche”
–– Where everyone’s Nazi.
If Elon Musk and President Trump Divorce, Who Gets Silicon Valley?
–– Actual father –– Satan.
Elon Musk Was Using So Much Ketamine While Campaigning for Donald Trump It Was Affecting His Bladder, NY Times Reports
–– Why he had to relieve self all over Trump.
Musk blasts Trump’s agenda bill as a ‘disgusting abomination,’ catching White House officials off guard
–– White House counters dubbing it 'BIG, BEAUTIFUL abomination.'
Trump wants to get rid of his red Tesla after feud with Musk
–– Can’t he take self-driven ride off cliff?
Mike Johnson calls Musk ‘terribly wrong’ for slamming megabill
–– Which is, coincedentally, terribly wrong.
Senate Republican on ‘big, beautiful bill’: ‘As long as everybody takes their meds, we’ll get it done’
–– Entire caucus on Special K.
Rep. Scott Perry Flamed For Publicly Trashing A Bill He Voted For
–– Cagey Perry.
Stephanopoulos Slams Trump and Family’s ‘Brazen Corruption’
–– And bronzin' corruption due to face makeup.
Stephen Miller describes Trump-heavy family life days after wife leaves administration to work with Musk
–– Like being in Manson family.
Who is Katie Miller? Stephen Miller’s wife leaves White House to work full-time for Elon Musk
–– Happiest woman in America?
The unaccountable fist of an unaccountable president
–– Up an unconscious electorate.
Donald Trump's Phone Lock Screen Is Once Again Going Viral Because It's Exactly What Everyone Expected It To Be
–– Smiling Rosie O'Donnell holding rainbow flag?
Supreme Court Rules for Straight Woman in Job Discrimination Suit
–– In dire straights?
Supreme Court Blocks Mexico’s Suit Against U.S. Gunmakers
–– Because guns don't kill people –– bullets, cartels do.
Supreme Court backs Catholic Charities in tax exemption case
–– Thomas, Alito argue they shouldn't pay taxes as part of faith-based group.
RFK Jr.’s Disastrous MAHA Report Seems to Have Been Written Using AI
–– Asshole Intern?
Speaker Mike Johnson says some Medicaid recipients will 'choose' whether to lose health care under House spending bill
–– Will government provide free cyanide tablets?
Elon Musk caps off DOGE exit by leaving Trump and Johnson unpleasant parting gift
–– Cleaning staff says they’ll never get out of rug.
Can Trump fix the national debt? Republican senators, many investors and even Elon Musk have doubts
–– Sure, as in make permanent.
Musk’s DOGE Takeover Of Peace Institute Left Building With Rats And Roaches
–– When is metaphor not a metaphor?
Rep. Madeleine Dean's Banana Burn Against Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick Goes Viral
–– Doesn't look like first time he’s suffered banana burns.
Trump’s approval among Latino voters is crashing, new poll shows
–– Crumbling like chip dipped in seven-month-old guac.
Trump administration, for 1st time, returns wrongly deported migrant to US
–– TACO con corneja.
Kilmar Abrego Garcia has been returned to the United States to face criminal charges
–– TACO con corneja y mierde grande.
Bondi accused of ‘serious professional misconduct’ in Florida Bar complaint
–– Stretching definition of professional.
Loomer, GOP senator push back on Trump NASA decision
–– Fruit of the Loomer.
Dan Bongino cries to Fox News about how much he hates his new FBI job: ‘I gave up everything!’
–– Sacrificial lame.
Hegseth could be ‘on the hook’ for hundreds of millions on Qatari jet, says Raskin
–– Already has dead fish eyes.
Confused Biden Got ‘Lost in Closet’ According to Secret Service Leak
–– According to Josh Hawley deep in Trump’s closet.
Cohen, Jackson urge Trump to reconsider pardons denied by Biden
–– Odds of reconsidering former lawyer's set at record 10,000,000,000,000 to 1.
Gavin Newsom Reacts to CNN Report That Trump Is Canceling Funding for the State: ‘Californians Pay the Bills for the Federal Government’
–– Knowing Trump's main concern to be fiscal stability.
‘He’s a bulldog’: the man behind the success of Ukraine’s Operation Spiderweb
–– Like McGruff ?
Haley on Trump call with Putin: ‘A backhanded slap to all of our allies’
–– Palm side used for pleasuring Vladdy.
Where does Poland's new president stand on Ukraine?
–– Towards West?
Trump Baffles German Chancellor on Live TV After Describing D-Day, Which Liberated Europe from Nazis, as 'Not a Great Day'
–– He reasons, 'it didn't even rate a C-.'
China calls Trump’s trade deal accusations ‘groundless’
–– And yet ‘full of dirt.’
Jamie Dimon says China isn’t America’s biggest threat. It’s ‘the enemy within’
–– Now, who could that possibly be…?
President Trump is on billboards all over Syria’s capital city
–– Has that Assad vibe they can’t resist.
Mystery Balloon Near Kim Jong Un’s Capsized Warship Puzzle Experts
–– Mollusks celebrating?
Warner Bros. Discovery Lost $11.5 Billion in 2024. So How Did CEO David Zaslav Exceed His Bonus Targets?
–– And why doesn’t he work for Trump?
What Makes Art ‘Left Wing’?
–– Most artists sensate beings?
Jimmy Fallon says he wasn't prepared for people not liking him: 'It's the absolute worst'
–– Confirming suspicion his emotional development ended at age 8.
Todd Chrisley admits he got special treatment in prison over Black inmates: 'We know why I wasn't denied that'
–– Trump considers locking up again.
Marc Maron to End Groundbreaking ‘WTF’ Podcast After 16 Years
–– OMG, how will we be able to keep track of his cat’s colon?
Jon Hamm on Consuming So Many Fake Cigarettes and Onion Water ‘Vodkas’ for ‘Mad Men’: ‘Oh, The Breath Was Lovely!’
–– Hamm on wry.
Benicio del Toro Swarmed by 5 TSA Agents Because of the content of a Script in His Carry-on
–– Could tell it was bomb.
’There Is No Feud’: Walton Goggins and Aimee Lou Wood Tell All on Their ‘White Lotus’ Connection, a Cut Love Scene and Yes, Why He Unfollowed Her on Instagram
–– Felt like she was Rick-roled.
Judge Rules Blake Lively’s Emotional Distress Claims Against Justin Baldoni Are Officially Dead
–– Died of embarrassment.
Harvey Weinstein Says He Has ‘Regrets’ and ‘Acted Immorally’ Ahead of New York Retrial Verdict: ‘But Never Illegal, Never Criminal’
–– What a relief.
Tom Felton to Reprise Draco Malfoy Role in ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’ on Broadway
–– Dog-sitting duties on hold.
Michael Cera Says Jackie Chan Had No Clue Who He Was When They Met: “He Thought I Was a Competition Winner”
–– Wimp of the Year?
Dakota Johnson Says ‘Madame Web’ Flop ‘Wasn’t My Fault’: Decisions Are Made in Hollywood by ‘People Who Don’t Have a Creative Bone in Their Body’
–– ‘Unless they’re getting railed by writer.’
‘Ginny & Georgia’ Star Antonia Gentry Is Turning Her Delusions Into Reality
–– Her generation’s only full-time job.
Dua Lipa Frees the Nipple in a See-Through "Snake Dress"
–– We did extensive research, must dispute claim.
Jennifer Lopez Looks Unrecognizable With a Jet-Black Pixie Haircut
–– Have you been tested for prosopagnosia?
Kylie & Kendall Jenner wear face masks as they show off their figures at Pilates class in LA
–– Can we get these two full-body burqas?
Tom Cruise Awarded Guinness World Record After Doing 16 Burning Parachute Jumps During ‘Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning’ Filming
–– Insists that's 'better than any Oscar.'
‘John Wick’ Boss Chad Stahelski Gets Candid About Franchise: “My Process Is F***ed”
–– Wicky leak?
Is Kylie Jenner’s surgery revelation a setback for beauty standards?
–– Among boobs.
Beyoncé flawlessly recovers after her pants fall down onstage during Cowboy Carter concert
–– Had to be pretty determined to get past those hips.
Megyn Kelly Says Meghan Markle’s ‘Deeply Problematic’ Viral Pregnancy Post Disrespects the ‘Holy’ Act of Childbirth | Video
–– Megyn absolutely no sense.
Meghan Markle's Tote Bag Is Perfect for Farmers’ Markets and Beach Trips — We Found Similar Styles from $9
–– Without guilt by association.
Why Women Are Leaving This Broadway Show in Tears
–– $434 ticket price for non-musical?
Movie Theater Owners Want to Vote for Oscars and Push to Join the Academy: ‘We Watch Everything… It’s a No Brainer’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– As long as brainless Todd at concession stand has say.
UFC legend B.J. Penn arrested for 3rd time in 6 days amid claims of family being replaced with imposters
–– Hard to Penn down.
How Underpaid Are W.N.B.A. Players? It’s Embarrassing.
–– How unwatched are games? Same.
Disney Lays Off Several Hundred Employees in Cost-Cutting Measure
–– Feeds dozens more to Monstro.
I Love This Scandinavian Yard Game (And I Don’t Even Have a Yard)
–– Or anything going on in my life.
America’s skies may soon open up to supersonic travel. But there’s still a big problem
–– Recovering human remains after crashes.
Chips Ahoy and Oreo maker Mondelez sues grocery chain Aldi over similar packaging
–– In latest slang for 'nearly identical.'
Dutch Girl Donuts and the Schvitz owner buys iconic German restaurant
–– To rename Sweaty Hole.
This Is the No. 1 City in the U.S. for BBQ, According to Yelp
–– Austin? We have a problem.
Restaurants remove ‘king of fish’ from menus as prices soar
–– Turbot-charged?
This Guy Did The Unthinkable To Spain's Most Iconic Dish, And You Can Guess What Happened Next
–– Paella con cojones.
With Old Milk and No Soap, Trump Golf Club Gets a 32 on Inspection
–– Ball cleaner is guy named Jose who uses mouth wash.
What Even Is a Sneaker?
–– That furtive bastard.
Scientists Finally Found the Psychedelic Source of LSD
–– In ear of faerie living in unicorn's colon.
Does Masturbation Raise or Lower Testosterone? Doctors Explain.
–– If lowers, we’d be speaking two octaves higher.
Nudists march in Mexico City to celebrate body positivity
–– Dio de los Flacidez.
Former Member of Murderous Manson Crew Is Recommended for Parole
–– Wants to spend more time with Family.
3 years in, Sandy Hook families still wait to collect what Alex Jones owes them
–– Jonesing for payments.
Woman sues Atlanta officer for allegedly leaving her topless in squad car
–– Glad it wasn't convertible.
Woman wrongly held for years on US death row dies in Irish house fire
–– Nickname was ‘Lucky.’
How the Council of Nicaea changed Christianity forever
–– Took it Nicene easy?
A Tomb Once Said to Hold ‘Jesus’s Midwife’ Might Instead Hold Ancient Royalty
–– Cull the midwife.
‘After 12 years of loyalty,’ bonded dogs left at shelter. ‘They don’t understand’
–– Did offer them gold rubber chew toy.
“My grandfather became an orangutan”: The people who believe family members turn into great apes
–– Can't get our arms around that.
Peculiar scar seen on head of 16ft great white shark – scientists know exactly what caused it
–– Hammerhead?
First evidence of ‘living towers’ made of worms discovered in nature
–– Await with baited breadth.
Colossal squid filmed alive in deep ocean for the first time ever
–– After all those post-mortem vids.
It hasn’t had sex in 80 million years and extracts DNA from what it eats – meet this indestructible ‘Frankenstein’ creature
–– We want to meet creator.
There’s a strange animal in the Great Lakes that just found a new use for sperm
–– Not hair gel?
A New Type of Propulsion Could Revolutionize Space Travel
–– One would expect.
Japanese company ispace’s ‘Resilience’ moon lander faces communication blackout just before touchdown attempt
–– ispaced out.
Private lunar lander from Japan falls silent while attempting a moon touchdown
–– Tried to sneak up on.
Asteroids around Venus pose possible 'invisible threat' to Earth: Should you be worried?
–– We can't see it.
2,000-gallon diesel spill stains part of Baltimore waterfront
–– Johns-Hopkins drums up business for toxicologists.
How Nantucket Is Preparing for Rising Seas
–– Offering residents shell-encrusted snorkels.
Tesla Superchargers to be removed from New Jersey Turnpike
–– This week in current events.
GOP backing for wind and solar is cratering, new poll shows
–– Getting all the hot air they can handle from Washington.
George Wendt's Cause of Death Revealed 2 Weeks After the 'Cheers' Star Died at 76
–– Authorities finished interview with liver.
