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Hearing Impaired
Week of 11/15/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Republicans Who Demanded Public Impeachment Hearings Are Still Not Happy
–– They meant moderated by Hannity on Fox.

Jury finds Stone guilty of lying to Congress
–– GOP: ‘Hang jury!’

Trump impeachment inquiry moves ahead after start of televised hearings
–– Was scheduled to last one day?

Devin Nunes Kicked Off Friday’s Impeachment Hearing With a Totally Normal Call Between Trump and Zelensky
–– Normal, therefore, not perfect.

Schiff paints a picture of presidential abuse of power as Nunes slams Democrats' 'Watergate fantasies'
–– His involve ‘plumber’ G. Gordon Liddy breaking in and unclogging his ‘pipe.’

Trump Tried to Intimidate Marie Yovanovitch as She Testified About His Intimidation
–– Next best-seller to be titled Lean On.

Ex-Ukraine ambassador says Trump comments "sounded like a threat"
–– He can make ‘Hi’ sound ominous.

Witness overheard US ambassador tell Trump that Ukraine would investigate Biden
–– Yeah, but witness wasn’t confessing own crime, so, like…hearsay.

Rough Transcript of Trump’s First Phone Call With Ukrainian Leader Released
–– Always rough reading Trump’s words.

Exclusive: After private White House meeting, Giuliani associate Lev Parnas said he was on a 'secret mission' for Trump, sources say
–– Had secret decoder ring and everything.

Jeff Sessions urges Democrats to 'consider the Constitution'
–– ‘The one ah’m holding, with this here lighter in m’other hand. Y’all make another move and I swear ah’m gonna…’

What Trump did "makes what Nixon did look almost small," Pelosi says
–– Well, he was extremely small, but still giant compared to Trump.

Mike Pompeo 'on shifting sand' as impeachment probe reveals his Ukraine role
–– In which he’s buried head.

Gordon Sondland Is the Most Intriguing Sucker in the Middle of This Whole Mess
–– Among host of leeches.

Attorney General Barr says he does not recall Trump request to defend Ukraine call
–– Long-range memory forecast: Hazy.

Roger Stone Is Found Guilty in Trial That Revived Trump-Russia Saga
–– All the President’s Mental Cases.

Unlike Bill Clinton, Trump is unable to compartmentalize impeachment
–– Not enough space in brain.

‘He does nothing without a quid pro quo’
–– Won't tip bathroom attendant without hand job.

GOP Group Sells Trump Wrapping Paper And The Jokes Just Write Themselves
–– Dumb puns tied up with a bow.

U.S. Troops Will Die If They Remain in Syria, Bashar Al-Assad Warns
–– Assad State of affairs.

Six Spots Around the World Where You Can Try Your Hand at Falconry
–– Without getting it bitten?

Man Loses Memory in Motorcycle Accident and Discovers His Life Was a Lie Told to Him by Twin
–– Not that old story.

Sesame Street Is 50 Years Old! Here, 10 Muppets Who Tackled Tough Topics Through the Years
–– Sesame Justice Warriors.

After 50 years, it's past time to bring human LGBTQ+ characters to America's Sesame Street
–– Think show can get gayer?

Tourist who tried to smuggle lizards in Pringles packets is jailed 
–– Though authorities admit they tasted better than chips.

Joe Torre weighs in on Astros' sign-stealing scandal: 'Not good for our game'
–– Tries to recall cheating scandal that was.

Navy UFO mystery deepens amid disclosure that 'unknown individuals' told officers to erase evidence
–– Vaguely recall two men in black suits wearing dark glasses.

Poland threatens to stop importing gas from Russia
–– Will increase intake of kielbasa to produce own supply.

Katie Hill Accuses McConnell of Prioritizing the ‘NRA’s Money’ Over ‘Our Kids’ after Calif. Shooting
–– What did other disgraced former Representatives have to say?

Wynonna Judd's Daughter, 23, Released from Prison 6 Years Early After Being Granted Parole
–– Juddment Day.

Bella Thorne Says Smoking Marijuana and Having a Polyamorous Relationship Will Change Your Life
–– So get all fucked up.

John Travolta’s Critically Reviled ‘The Fanatic’ Gets Oscar Campaign, Because Why Not
–– Tom Steyer of race.

Spacewalkers begin "open heart surgery" to repair costly cosmic ray detector
–– Before Ming the Merciless attacks.

LASIK eye surgery should 'absolutely' be banned, says former FDA adviser who voted to approve procedure
–– What opened eyes?

More People Than Ever Are Trying to Lose Weight, to No Avail
–– Big fat waste of time.

Tons of acorns? It must be a mast year
–– Mast hysteria.

3 Indiana judges suspended after a night of drinking turned into a White Castle brawl
–– Burger King might banish from realm.

Fox Regular Claims George Soros ‘Controls a Very Large Part’ of the State Department
–– He inherited from Rothschilds.

George Soros’ Foundation Calls On Fox News To Ban Commentator Joe diGenova For “McCarthyite” Claim
–– Why not have State Dept. thugs silence him?

Erdogan says he handed back 'tough guy' letter to Trump as two leaders at odds over Kurds
–– With corrections, and note ‘See me.’

Erdoğan showed GOP senators 'surreal' propaganda video during WH meeting
–– Based upon Un Chien Andalou.

Russia established an air base in the Syrian city where withdrawing US troops were pelted with potatoes
–– Preparing for food fight.

Trump's insistence on 'keeping' Middle Eastern oil may be illegal. But he keeps invoking it anyway.
–– Because he's sure it is.

No more surrender for Brexit Party's Farage in British election
–– Will Farage ahead.

Donald Tusk urges Brits to ‘not give up on reversing Brexit’ ahead of general election
–– Deal with Tusk at hand.

Donald Trump will visit UK ahead of election and meet the Queen AGAIN
–– And serve as Johnson body double.

Why did The Queen choose to wear five poppies on Remembrance Sunday?
–– Kept forgetting she already pinned one on.

Camilla treats Prince Charles to health retreat for 71st birthday 
–– Will stay away from him for week.

Republican Matt Bevin concedes defeat in Kentucky governor's race
–– And admits utter miserableness as human.

Meet Narwhal, the rescue puppy with a tail growing out of his forehead
–– You don’t want to smell breath.

Lisa Vanderpump Says She Was in a ‘Very Dark Place’ After the Death of Her Brother
–– Lighting in her restaurants isn’t great.

McLaren unveils $1.7 million supercar with no roof and a windshield made of air
–– For additional mil they’ll remove tires, engine.

Illiterate people are twice as likely to develop dementia, study says
–– Thank God they can’t read this.

Feral Hogs Steal $22,000 Worth of Cocaine From Drug-Trafficking Ring
–– Escape on Harleys.

William Taylor laughs at GOP question if Giuliani channel was 'as outlandish as it could be'
–– No, Rudy didn’t wear clown makeup, remove trousers, communicate exclusively in Esperanto.

Rudy Giuliani Jokes That He Has 'Insurance' If Trump Throws Him Under The Bus
–– 'Yeah, I recorded certain conversations on my iPhone. It's here in my pocket. Wha… it's not there. Wait. wait, in my bag. Aw, shit, did I leave it in the cab? Or was it on the shuttle? I was just butt-dialing and where the heck…'

Rudy Giuliani might start a podcast about impeachment
–– Unfortunately title WTF taken.

Mina Chang: Senior Trump official 'faked Time magazine cover and inflated claims in CV'
–– Which is how she got job.

Chad Wolf is the new acting Homeland Security secretary
–– Immigrants to have Wolf at door.

Rapper Kodak Black sentenced to more than 3 years on weapons charges
–– Has Kodak moment.

Doctors removed a tumor the size of a soccer ball from a man's neck
–– Attending nurse: ‘Scoooore!’

Brooklyn Bishop Is Accused of Sexual Abuse While a Young Priest
–– Young priest did what?

Two people just got the plague in China — yes, the Black Death plague
–– Oh, we assumed Septicemic or Pneumonic.

R. Kelly was a no-show at a federal court hearing because of a toenail infection
–– Kelly blew, booked.

Graham: I won't watch this hearing. It's 'un-American'
–– So is abetting traitor.

Video shows police detain man for eating sandwich on train platform
–– Not a Subway?!

The Curiosity rover detects oxygen behaving strangely on Mars
–– Sends to room.

Hillary Clinton 'under enormous pressure' to run in 2020
–– Frontal lobe putting squeeze on parietal lobe.

Virginia Leith, Star of 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die,' Dies at 94
–– Brain looking for new host.

Mark Sanford suspends 2020 presidential campaign
–– If a tree falls on the Appalchian Trail and no one is around to hear it…

Swadlincote man, 85, converts mobility scooter into 'tank'
–– Diagnosed with Turret's Syndrome.

Is the Apple Card Sexist? The Credit Card Is Under Fire for Giving Women Lower Spending Limits
–– iCare?

Honey Boy: Shia LaBeouf annotates the pivotal phone scene from his autobiographical new film
–– Isn’t that sweet?

Why Shia LaBeouf Is Only Happy While Acting: ‘When I’m Not on a Set, Life Gets Hard’
–– Cops are happy, too.

Gilets jaunes movement sprang from nowhere to stun France. One year on, it's in desperate search of a direction
–– Seen in café sloshed on Cognac, chain-smoking Gauloises, animatedly debating existence.

Military Times Editor Writes Scathing Takedown of Roland Emmerich’s ‘Midway’
–– Bombs away.

Sean Spicer Says 'DWTS' Judges "Made the Right Decision" In Eliminating Him
–– Like when you finally decide to take diahrretic.

Monty Python Icon John Cleese Has Brutal Assessment Of Trump’s Fox News Fans
–– Ministry of Silly Dorks.

Stephen King Stands Up for ‘Doctor Sleep’ Amid Box Office Flop, Possible $30 Million Loss
–– Wouldn’t take it lying down.

Trump Met With 'Lock Him Up' Chants, 'Impeach' Signs At NYC Veterans Day Parade
–– To protesters: Thank you for your service.

Days after being fined for misusing veterans' funds, Trump urges people to celebrate Veterans' Day by donating to his campaign
–– And mocking 'war heroes' that were captured.

Nearly half of Americans say the whistleblower should be forced to come forward publicly, poll finds
–– And perform Andy Griffith Show theme.

Republican Rep. Will Hurd breaks with Trump, insists whistleblower remain anonymous
–– So we’ve Hurd.

Fox News Contributor Causes Scene When She Names Alleged Whistleblower on Air
–– Blows out ass.

Trump ignores Pentagon advice and intervenes in military war crimes cases
–– And he already had war criminal vote sewed up.

The Simpsons boss confirms the show will recast characters following Russi Taylor's death
–– Not going to record voice track via seance?

Elizabeth Warren: I Was Told To 'Smile More' To Win Over Male Voters
–– Who never saw her toothy, insincere grin.

Exclusive: This billionaire says Elizabeth Warren is a 'superficial, nasty hater'
–– ‘Who should smile more.’

Bill Gates tops Jeff Bezos as richest person in the world
–– And his only job is giving away money.

‘A little out of touch’: the quest to find Joe Biden's millennial supporters
–– Well, they screamed when he did touch.

Biden Blasts Inaction on Guns, Saying He’s ‘Tired’ of Prayers
–– He’ll need ‘em.

North Korean news agency calls Biden a 'rabid dog' after campaign ad implies Kim Jong Un's a 'tyrant'
–– And ‘too old to cook.’

Trump adviser Stephen Miller injected white nationalist agenda into Breitbart, investigation reveals
–– Miller Heil Life.

Dolly, Ink: Dolly Parton says she has tattoos to 'decorate' her scars
–– Parton our complete lack of interest.

Condoleezza Rice says Trump asking Ukraine to investigate Biden is 'out of bounds'
–– Yes, Condi, but this isn’t an effin’ NBA game.

Ex-Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick 'taking and making calls' about potential 2020 run
–– With shrink.

Rafa Nadal angered by 'bullsh**' marriage question after ATP Finals defeat by Alexander Zverev
–– Suffered double fault?

After years of waiting, Tesla will finally reveal its electric pickup
–– On Musk vintage Fender guitar.

Neil Young says his US citizenship application is being held up because he uses marijuana
–– Smoked green card.

‘Strictly’s' Motsi Mabuse makes 'affair' faux-pas to Neil Jones and viewers can't deal with the awkwardness
–– Of headline.

This Dog Learned To 'Speak' And Says Exactly What You'd Expect A Dog To Say
–– 'Shut yer yap!'

Shop plagued by thefts stacks shelves with empty jars and boxes to thwart shoplifters
–– And delight dieters.

Helen Mirren left 'embarrassed' during tea with Queen when she couldn't remember how to ask Prince Philip to 'pass the milk'
–– Gesturing to breast and making squeezing gesture didn’t work.

Charlie’s Angels' Elizabeth Banks didn't want the movie to be "campy"
–– Or “noncrappy”.

Resignation of Morales, last of 'pink tide,' polarizes Latin America
–– Many want detergent that won’t make colors run.

Only children of wealthy families will get to sit on Santa's knee at Harrods grotto this year
–– They can afford lawyers if he gets naughty.

Iran discovers new oil field with over 50 billion barrels
–– Particularly convenient because it’s already in barrels.

A Russian Napoleon expert was caught with arms in a bag and admitted to murdering his lover and former student
–– In water loo?

Amy Klobuchar Says Pete Buttigieg Wouldn't Qualify For Debates If He Were A Woman
–– Who didn’t lead her in polls?

Ukraine Aid Was Released After Federal Lawyers Said Trump Freeze Was Illegal: Report
–– Cold case solved.

Trump Jr booed off stage by supporters of his father amid apparent split in US far right
–– Between cra and zy.

Nikki Haley claims top aides tried to recruit her to ‘save the country’ by undermining Trump
–– Betrayed: her emotions.

Disney heiress tells fellow boomers who are offended by the phrase 'OK boomer': Sit down and let the kids drive
–– TikTok, where phrase is popular, is subsidiary of PRC, and they’re not.

Sandra the orangutan, freed from a zoo after being granted 'personhood,' settles into her new home
–– Having it completely redone in early rain forest.

Robyn Crawford deserves to speak her truth about Whitney Houston
–– Thank you, LZ Granderson and CNN, she was desperately awaiting your approval.

Elizabeth Warren Had A Hard Time Naming Prominent Black People—On Two Occasions
–– Obama should count for two.

Flight diverted after man grabs passenger 'by the crotch,' criminal complaint says
–– Up to white-knuckle.

A rock in Omaha became an overnight attraction thanks to the cars that can't seem to avoid it
–– Student drivers take crash course.