Payback's a Botch
Week of 10/17/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Former Trump adviser John Bolton indicted for allegedly mishandling classified info
–– Check under mustache if docs are missing.
Naked bike riders protest Trump administration in Portland
–– Cracks up.
As Hostages and Prisoners Return Home, Trump Declares ‘New Dawn’ in Mideast
–– The scum also rises.
Hamas asserts control in Gaza and targets alleged collaborators as ceasefire takes hold
–– Just like Jared drew it up.
Trump Fumes at Time Magazine’s ‘Super Bad’ New Cover Celebrating His Gaza Peace Deal ‘Triumph’: ‘They Disappeared My Hair!’
–– Who disappeared what was under it?
Christiane Amanpour Apologizes for Saying Israeli Hostages Were ‘Treated Better’ Than Gazans in War: ‘Insensitive and Wrong’
–– Admits Amanpour judgment.
John Legend advises Trump to drop the ‘dictator s‑‑‑’ if he wants Nobel Peace Prize
–– Referring to Stephen Miller, right?
Donald Trump Gushes About Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt's Lips Again as He Vows to 'Never' Replace Her
–– Those lips, those lies!
"Your Mom Did": Karoline Leavitt Had An Incredibly Sophomoric Response To A Very Simple Question About Trump
–– Was question, 'Who vomited listening to this monster?'
Trump Considers Overhaul of Refugee System That Would Favor White People
–– Talk about your unintended consequences!
Racist and Homophobic Texts From Young Republican Officials Prompt Backlash
–– Not for those working in White House.
’It’s revolting’: More Young Republican chat members out of jobs as condemnation intensifies
–– Like accusing Ku Klux Kiddies of racial insensitivity.
Sirens interrupt Trump bragging about how DC has no crime
–– They’re why ship of state’s heading into rocks?
Mystery visitors plunged Ghislaine Maxwell’s Texas prison camp into lockdown as inmates complain of preferential treatment, report says
–– Wish they had pimped for two worst humans on earth.
Prison consultant on Ghislaine Maxwell’s secret meeting in prison: ‘They are treating Maxwell like she’s a guest at a hotel’
–– Like DC's failed Trump International?
‘Condescending, Patronizing, Misogynistic’: Democrat Waiting to Be Sworn In to House Hits Back Hard at Speaker Johnson
–– Takes knee to Johnson.
Trump Targets Democratic Districts By Halting Billions During Shutdown
–– Since when is entire federal budget his personal account?
Trump Signs Memo Expanding His Authority to Spend Federal Money
–– On himself.
Trump Says $16 Billion Hudson River Tunnel Project Is ‘Terminated’
–– In latest failed Slitherin spell.
Trump Forgets He Was President During Capitol Riot, Blames ‘THE BIDEN FBI’ for Jan. 6 in Dead-of-Night Post
–– Of night and brain.
State Department says it has revoked visas from people who allegedly ‘celebrated’ Charlie Kirk’s murder
–– When you have mindless thought police.
At raucous rally, Mamdani argues he’s leading a movement beyond the NYC mayor’s race
–– Pledges to poison Democrats’ brand nationally.
Supreme Court rejects Alex Jones’s bid to set aside $1.4 billion verdict
–– What wisdom looks like in today's SCOTUS.
Noted conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck says bureau agents came to his house for his “expertise” on left-wing activists.
–– In ‘very special’ episode of FBI that CBS can never air.
Mitch McConnell, 83, Falls to Ground in Senate Building as Woman Asks His Feelings About ICE
–– Empathetically pretending to be detainee manhandled by agents.
Foreign Aid Is Mostly Gone. It Could Be Replaced With Something Better.
–– Exactly how likely with current administration?
Jamie Dimon issues private credit warning: ‘When you see one cockroach, there are probably more’
–– Opening mouth wide.
GoFundMe CEO says the economy is so bad that more of his customers are crowdfunding just to pay for their groceries
–– GoFeedMe.
“You did not answer the question”: ABC host cuts Vance’s mic after heated Homan exchange
–– Would've even accepted this falsehood.
Donald Trump Refuses To Take ABC Correspondent’s Question Because Of George Stephanopoulos’ Contentious JD Vance Interview
–– Bitch sapped.
Obama: ‘Inherently corrupting’ for a president to use military ‘against their own people’
–– And sorta, y'know, 'INSANE!'
US announces it will allow Qatar to build an Air Force facility in Idaho
–– Entirely from potato skins.
Vance blames ‘misreporting’ for uproar after Hegseth Qatari air force facility announcement
–– In latest slang for 'reporting.'
Fox News among broadcasters refusing to sign Pentagon press pledge
–– And you can't get more right-wing, partisan, and unprofessional than…
Newsmax Joins Major Media Outlets In Refusing to Sign Onto Pete Hegseth’s Press Restrictions
–– … that.
Hundreds of people cover the Pentagon. These are the 15 who signed its new press policy.
–– Almost half of those made mark other than X.
Some Texas National Guard troops sent home after unflattering photos surface
–– Not as embarrassing as pics of Hegseth’s fat head.
Tucker Carlson Says Congress Members Are Having Orgies Like Never Before
–– In his smoking hot fan fiction.
Trump says he will meet with Putin in Budapest to discuss war in Ukraine
–– Orban will service both under table.
Trump drops f-bomb in Zelensky meeting about Maduro
–– Only lethal weapon Ukraine will get from him.
Concern over lethal strikes on alleged Venezuelan drug boats grows in Congress
–– Almost reaches level of ‘gives a s**t.’
Trump Administration Authorizes Covert C.I.A. Action in Venezuela
–– Publicly!
China’s rare earth controls can ‘forbid any country on Earth from participating in the modern economy,’ former White House advisor warns
–– Metal banned?
Trump bet China would face ‘tremendous difficulties’ without U.S. consumers—Beijing just focused on the rest of the world instead
–– Trump claims he never knew ‘rest of the world’ nor if it actually existed.
Trump’s Two Minds on China Sow a Chaotic Few Days
–– Like blighted rice paddy.
Global markets tumble as Beijing imposes new ban on U.S. shipping and Bessent vows China ‘will be hurt the most’ if it doesn’t surrender
–– ‘But let’s torture US consumer for awhile first.’
‘Hot mic’ catches Indonesian president asking Trump for a meeting with son Eric
–– Exclaiming, 'I must see if he is really as stupid as they say.'
Peter Thiel says he warned Elon Musk to ditch donating to The Giving Pledge because Bill Gates will give his wealth away ‘to left-wing nonprofits’
–– Antichrist told him.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos says ‘millions of people’ will be living in space by 2045—and robots will commute on our behalf to the moon
–– Is Amazon overnighting LSD these days?
Mark Cuban warns that OpenAI’s new plan to allow adults-only erotica in ChatGPT could ‘backfire. Hard’
–– Or flaccid.
Marc Maron Ends ‘WTF’ Podcast With Barack Obama Giving Him Advice: ‘Be a Little Brain-Dead for a While’ and ‘Don’t Rush’ Into What’s Next’
–– Brain-deader?
Andrea Bocelli stumbles in impromptu Oval Office performance for Trump: 'Time to say goodbye'
–– A. Appropriate B. For both of you.
“SNL” 'Weekend Update' co-anchor Michael Che announces he's 'very sick' just before new episode
–– Or just 'slighty sickening?'
Whitney Cummings Says Riyadh Comedy Festival Backlash ‘Is Just Racism,’ Claims Stand-Up Comics Who’ve Worked With Live Nation Have ‘Taken Saudi Money’
–– By anti-scumites.
Chloé Zhao on Why Hollywood Is ‘Not Very Good at Preserving the Language of Ambiguity’ and How Neurodivergence Is Her ‘Superpower’ in Filmmaking
–– Kinda wish it was story-telling ability.
Cameron Diaz's Latest On-Set Look Is the Fall Outfit Blueprint I Plan to Wear for Errands, Brunch, and More
–– Pickle Ball, Open-heart Surgery, Self-immolation.
Jennifer Aniston Explains Why She Was Against Adoption: “I Want My Own DNA in a Little Person”
–– Quoting Jeffrey Epstein.
Cheryl Hines Assures View Hosts That Husband RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm Only ‘Ate Just a Little Bit of His Brain and Died’
–– That had to smart.
Michael J. Fox addresses notorious 'Back to the Future' goof that fans still hound him about
–– Not a second of it made any sense.
‘Leave It to Beaver' Broke a Major Television Rule by Showing This Household Item for the First Time, 68 Years Ago
–– Beaver's douche.
Micky Dolenz Unearths His Original ‘Monkees’ Contract — and Fans Can’t Believe the Pay
–– Assumed he worked for peanuts.
Pasolini’s 120 Days of Sodom is still the most shocking film of all time
–– Gomorrah I think about it.
Jeremy Renner Narrates AI-Animated Feature ‘Stardust Future’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Or does he?
Daniel Day-Lewis Says Method Acting Criticism Is From ‘People Who Have Little or No Understanding of What It Actually Involves’: ‘It’s Almost as if’ We’re in a ‘Cult’
–– Or just pretending to be?
Last Surviving 'I Love Lucy' Cast Member Remembers Lucille Ball as 'Very Demanding'
–– Referred to on set as old Ball and Chain.
Alec Baldwin crashes car into tree in New York: Report
–– After cursing it out.
Zoe Saldaña Urges James Cameron to Make ‘Avatar’ Doc to ‘Give Us a Chance to Explain’ Why Motion Capture Is the ‘Most Empowering Form of Acting’
–– And why Laurence Olivier always wished he could voice cartoon character.
Kat Dennings Says an Embarrassing Commercial She Did as a Kid Led to First Date: 'Bedwetting Does Bring People Together'
–– Damp right!
Nicole Kidman Admits She Had to Ask Stanley Kubrick About the Meaning Behind 'Eyes Wide Shut'
–– He told her to keep mouth wide shut.
“No One Asked for This Reboot”: 'Tron' May Mark End of Jared Leto's Franchise-Leading Days
–– Tron's planted.
Prince Andrew Drops Royal Titles and Honors Amid Ongoing Jeffrey Epstein Scandal
–– Along with drawers.
Mark Sanchez’s Ex, and the Mother of His Son, Breaks Her Silence on His Arrest: ‘None of This Is Surprising to Me’
–– 'I always said he'd be doing windsprints in and alley after midnight, get into a fight with a truck driver collecting cooking oil over how he parked, and get stabbed multiple times.'
Female art mogul ordered protege to 'wear leather' and sleep with older men to bring in commissions
–– And did it work?
Scientists create ‘Superwood’ that’s 10 times stronger than steel
–– Particularly in morning.
My Unusual Penis Was Never Corrected at Birth. Now It Poses a Maddening Problem in Bed.
–– It won’t stop spewing nonsense.
Do You Actually Need to Wear Underwear to Bed? Doctors Weigh In
–– Are your sheets white?
It’s Not Normal to Raise Children Like This
–– Pointing to all of them.
As Kim Kardashian sells merkins, is the tide turning on hair down there?
–– For ‘Merkins or whole world?
Pope ‘appalled’ after man urinates on his altar
–– Offers to turn into beer.
Carbs Were Once Blamed for Everything. Now Science Is Telling a Different Story.
–– Science that needs several large pizzas, dozen donuts to get through another news cycle.
What is Dubai Chocolate and why is it everywhere?
–– After one bite customers toss on ground?
This Florida Fast Food Chain Inspired By White Castle Peaked In The '60s — Why Did It Fail?
–– Actually tasted like White Castle?
A Long-Haul Trucker Kept 25 Briskets Rejected by a Customer—and Became a Pitmaster
–– And convicted poisoner.
Smucker sues Trader Joe’s, saying its new PB&J sandwiches are too similar to Uncrustables
–– Also cause uncontrollable retching?
7 Items You Should Toss From Your Refrigerator ASAP, According to Food Scientists
–– 4. Your ex’s limbs.
Brands can’t choose their customers. So what happens when extremists wear their clothes?
–– Dressed to kill?
Disney World guest dies in 'apparent suicide' at Contemporary Resort
–– Unhappiest place on Earth.
The feds say two brothers stole $25 million in crypto in 12 seconds. The defense says they merely outsmarted bots.
–– Don’t all thieves try to outsmart somebody or thing?
Woman breaks silence after viral post labels her Olive Garden waitress using breadsticks for revenge on diners
–– Wielding them like katana swords.
South Florida matriarch sentenced to life in prison for hired killing of her ex-son-in-law
–– And awarded Florida Woman of the Year.
Philadelphia medical examiner reaffirms its finding that Ellen Greenberg’s death was a suicide
–– 20 stab wounds including back of own neck? Obvs.
What are the most dangerous snakes in Australia? Discover the country's top 4 deadliest serpents
–– 4. Snake on the Barbie, 3. Asp Not a Big Knife, 3. Aussieconda, 1. G'day Mamba.
Scientists Explore the Mysterious Lives and Longevity Superpowers of Naked Mole Rats
–– And massive ding dongs.
Dinosaur fossil rewrites the story of how sauropods got long necks
–– Driving past traffic accidents?
Lead has been poisoning humans for over 2 million years
–– Which might help explain Trump.
To Honor the King of Lox, Lots of Lox
–– For schmear mortals.
Drew Struzan, Renowned Poster Artist for ‘Star Wars,’ ‘Blade Runner’ and ‘Back To The Future,’ Dies at 78
–– Drew to a close.
D’Angelo, Acclaimed and Reclusive R&B Innovator, Dies at
–– And 'forgotten.'
Ace Frehley, hard-rocking Kiss guitarist, dies at 74
–– Kiss off.
Susan Stamberg, pioneering broadcaster at NPR, dies at 87
–– End-all things considered.
Diane Keaton Dies: Oscar-Winning ‘Annie Hall’ & ‘The Godfather’ Actress Was 79
–– Hall passes.
How Diane Keaton Invented Her Singular Style: Audacious, Gutsy and Independent
–– On back of original style: Ditsy, Twee and La-di-dah.
Keanu Reeves Remembers Diane Keaton as a ‘Generous Artist’ and a ‘Very Special’ Person: ‘She Was Very Nice to Me’
–– Can they carve that on headstone?
