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Week of 07/12/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Acosta to Resign as Labor Secretary Over Jeffrey Epstein Plea Deal
–– After laboring under illusion he'd stay.

House votes to restrain Trump on war with Iran
–– Sadly without ball gag.

Jeffrey Epstein paid $350K to 'influence' possible co-conspirators: prosecutors
–– Influencer virus.

New Epstein victim goes public as Trump labor secretary defends plea deal
–– 'Pretty pleas?'

Billionaire Jeffrey Epstein arrested and accused of sex trafficking minors, sources say
–– Accoster in Florida jailed, Acosta in Washington free.

Nude Photos of Girls Seized From Jeffrey Epstein Mansion
–– NY Post is really on it…oh, the NY Times?

Biographer Tweets Embarrassing Trump Quote About Jeffrey Epstein And Younger Women
–– Thought he liked predators who weren’t captured.

How Exactly Is Alleged Sex Trafficker Jeffrey Epstein Connected to President Trump?
–– Spiritually, at minimum.

Twitter loses it as Trump declares himself 'so great-looking,' attacks Elizabeth Warren as 'skinny version of Pocahontas'
–– Recalls how Epstein turned him on to ‘young, nubile Disney version.’

Chinese real estate billionaire Wang Zhenhua arrested for alleged child molestation
–– In latest Epstein knockoff.

Citizenship question dropped from census, but advocates fear ‘damage has been done’
–– Have they lost their census?

Roberts Thwarted Trump, but the Census Ruling Has a Second Purpose
–– Thwarts and all.

The US government is fining Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations, and Wall Street thinks that’s great news
–– Zuck it up.

Meg Ryan's Fiancé, John Mellencamp, Showed Her Famous Fake Orgasm Scene to Her Daughter
–– Told her, ‘You’ll have what she’s having.’

Pelosi implores Democrats to unify, warning of dangers ahead
–– 'AOC gives me migraines!'

Tensions Between Pelosi and Progressive Democrats of ‘the Squad’ Burst Into Flame
–– Their ‘Suicide Squad.’

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris reignite 1970s controversy
–– Burn, babies, burn.

Kamala Harris Proposes $100 Billion Plan to Close Racial Homeownership Gap
–– What’s black and white and red-lined all over?

AOC weeps while hearing mother’s story of toddler who died after being detained by ICE
–– In this week’s telenovela Las Pasiones de Alexandria.

'No shower, no shower!' migrants shout as Pence visits Texas detention centers
–– He smelled that bad.

Former ICE official trades heated words with lawmakers at hearing
–– Meltdown.

Has Now Had More Cabinet Turnover Than Reagan, Obama and the Two Bushes
–– And most bakeries.

Miley Cyrus Reveals Her Pet Pig Bubba Sue Has Died: 'Thank You for So Many Laughs and Good Times'
–– 'And making my behavior look good.'

Avocado prices are skyrocketing, but it's not because of tariffs
–– Guac on the wild side.

Dolly Parton gets her own Hallmark Christmas movie, 'Christmas at Dollywood'
–– Double feature.

Jessica Simpson Celebrates Birthday in Leopard Swimsuit and Colorful Sunglasses: '39 Is All Mine'
–– ‘39 triple-D! Woo-hoo!’

Here’s What's Happened to All Those Bob Ross Paintings
–– Being enjoyed by songbirds in their cages.

14 Dog Posts From This Week That Prove Dogs Are The Closest Thing We Have To Perfection
–– Especially ones that can tweet.

There are now more people over age 65 than under five—what that means
–– Diaper sales won't suffer.

US government is running out of money faster than expected, Mnuchin warns
–– 'So print more, suckers!'

Police say a crowd took the law into their own hands, beat to death a man who stole a car with kids inside
–– Talk about Philly fanatiic.

Check Out Sebastian Gorka’s Priceless Reaction To Winning A ‘Dips**t’ Award
–– Sebastian gab it large.

Commish denies intentional juicing of baseballs
–– ‘Look, you can squeeze as hard as you like, but you'll only get a couple drops.’

Couple who appeared on 'Tiny House Nation' claims their builder disappeared with their house
–– In his toolbox.

The Burr vs. Hamilton duel happened 215 years ago today
–– Couldn't beat bum rap.

U.S. wants 'El Chapo' in prison for life, after he hears from murder plot victim
–– A new Chapo of his life.

A Man Intruded Buckingham Palace While Queen Elizabeth Was Sleeping & the Details Sound So Scary
–– Almost kissed, transformed into frog.

Tatum O'Neal slams 'tacky' Meghan Markle Wimbledon drama: 'I wanted her to be the next Princess Diana'
–– Gee, nice way to say ‘go hit an abutment.’

Lil’ Kim calls out 'messy' Andy Cohen for not putting 'respect on my name,' cancels visit
–– ‘I mean for a gay dude, he is not kempt!’

Yabba Dabba Reboot! The Flintstones Is Getting a Revival — and Elizabeth Banks Is Involved
–– Yabba Dabba doo.

Bishop to spray holy water over city from helicopter in mass exorcism of 'demons' this weekend
–– Even Hell demons can’t stand Colombia’s summer heat and are ‘thrilled.’

Family Involved in Disneyland Brawl Denied it Happened, According to Police
–– Blame ‘that bitch Minnie.’

German SPD lists von der Leyen failures in damning paper to EU peers
–– der Leyen kink.

Michelle Carter, Woman Who Told Boyfriend To Kill Himself, Files Supreme Court Appeal
–– They'll tell her to drop dead.

Trump achieves his highest approval of 44% since taking office in 2017
–– Hope calls Michelle Carter for advice.

Amal Clooney Criticizes World Leaders for 'Collective Shrug' Over Killing of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi
–– At least they all put their shoulders into it.

Massachusetts teen sentenced to life in prison in classmate's beheading
–– Won’t go to head of class.

How did a 5-foot gator end up in one of Chicago's most popular parks? Cops are puzzled
–– When sign at gate clearly states pets can't have more than 4.

Barbra Streisand references alleged Prince Charles affair onstage: 'I could have been the first Jewish princess'
–– Already Princess of Wails.

Lisa Vanderpump Posts Farewell Tribute to RHOBH After 9 Years: 'The Pump Has Left the Building'
–– Busted Pump.

Vanderpump Rules' Jax Taylor Can't Wait to Become a Dad: 'I Want to Be in the PTA'
–– 'Y'know, like your Palm Pilot.'

Mets try to lure fans with 80 percent off tickets after Pete Alonso's Home Run Derby win
–– Promise 20% effort on field.

Mariah Carey Reveals She's 'Only Been with 5 People in My Life': 'I'm Kind of a Prude'
–– And she means in conversation.

Stranger Things Actor Noah Schnapp Says Will Byers' Sexuality Is ‘Up for Interpretation'
–– Oh, Schnapp!

Son begs father not to call police on black man he believed was trespassing: 'Daddy, I don't like this'
–– Media loves it.

#BoycottHomeDepot trending after co-founder says he would donate to President Trump's reelection campaign
–– Platform will need planks.

At age 20, 'SpongeBob SquarePants' is still soaking up the love
–– Toddlers' main squeeze.

Loud fart helps police sniff out suspect hiding from arrest
–– Police dogs still recovering.

Strip club to host golf tournament at Trump resort in South Florida
–– Resort hosting usual number of boobs.

Rip Torn, actor best known for 'Men in Black' and 'The Larry Sanders Show,' dies at 88
–– RIP Torn.

Australian gender reveal party goes wrong as car bursts into flames
–– ‘Well, mate, the fire started out blue ’n’ turned black. It’s a boy, but maybe Dennis ain’t the dad.’

A high school principal is reassigned after writing that he couldn't say the Holocaust was 'a factual, historical event'
–– At Hermann GoeringTech.

21 Woman-Led Sports Movies to Celebrate the U.S. World Cup Victory
–– Bring it On Again is #2. Go, team!

Renee Zellweger Embodies Judy Garland in New ‘Judy’ Trailer
–– Or Do Not Under Any Circumstances Watch ‘Judy’ Trailer.

‘Ghostbusters 2020’ Rounds Out Cast With Two Newcomers
–– White guys over 50, right?

Evan Rachel Wood Calls Out ‘Stranger Things 3’ for Hopper’s Toxic Behavior: ‘Never Date a Guy Like This’
–– Even if they resurrect character and I get hired to play love interest?

Eric Swalwell expected to end presidential bid after failing to gain traction
–– Will try to remove tire marks from back.

Recreational marijuana legalization tied to decline in teens using pot, study says
–– But parents ‘totally baked.’

Katharine McPhee Jokes About David Foster’s Instagram Husband Skills During Italian Honeymoon
–– 69-year-old’s other husband skills not funny.

Spider-Man rights could revert to Sony if 'Far From Home' 'fails to make $1 billion'
–– So desperate he's contesting Tony Stark's will for bigger cut in court.

Grieving father says Disney declined request to put Spider-Man on his 4-year-old son's tombstone
–– Spidey's lawyers demanded huge fee.

Is There a Stan Lee Cameo in ‘Spider-Man: Far From Home’?
–– See that motionless old guy in background near London Bridge?

Al Roker's 3rd Hour of Today Co-hosts Reveal What Makes Him the Best at His Job: 'He's so Calm'
–– Could be 3rd Bloody Mary.

President Trump Invited a Cartoonist Known for 'Anti-Semitic' Images to a White House Social Media Summit
–– In typically cartoonish move.

Dog owners told to feed pet before post arrives and lock them in room for ten minutes after postman has left, under Royal Mail guidance
–– To even odds for out-of-shape postman before siccing Rex in him.

Philippines: UN decision to probe drug war 'straight from the mouth of the Queen in Alice in Wonderland'
–– Why not 'off with Duterte's head?'

Rainbow flag again set on fire at New York gay bar
–– By asshole off spectrum.

New York Times Hits Back At Trump Claim Of 'Phony' Story On Migrant Detention
–– ‘No, you’re a phony president. Nyah, nyah!’

Martin Charnin, Tony-Winning Creator of 'Annie,' Dies at 84
–– The sun will bum out tomorrow.

Women’s World Cup 2019: how USA became four-times champions – video
–– Won four times?

Rose Lavelle Dribbled Her Way Into World Cup Immortality
–– Trump: ‘See? Female trouble.’

World Cup champ Rose Lavelle dressed up like Mia Hamm when she was a kid
–– Teammate Megan Rapinoe dressed up like ham.

Fox News broadcast interrupted by US fans chanting 'f*** Trump' amid Women's World Cup celebrations
–– ‘Interrupted’ or ‘aptly underscored’?

Trump Rips Fox News: "They Forgot the People Who Got Them There"
–– ‘You have to continue to pander, incite and lie to them like me.

Bill Gates: Apple was on a path to die under Steve Jobs
–– Or, y’know, vice versa.

Phillies' Jake Arrieta Rips Mets' Todd Frazier: 'I'll Put a Dent in His Skull'
–– Phil with rage.

Mets’ Frazier says Arrieta went 'overboard' on skull remark
–– ‘Dense’ skull.

Kapler: Arrieta to continue pitching, Phils will monitor
–– Has bone spur, in head.

Florida man admits to lighting firecrackers under a child's bed. He said it was a prank gone wrong
–– Child, who’d left tooth under pillow, ‘disillusioned.’

Tom Steyer tells staffers he plans to announce 2020 presidential bid
–– April Fool’s Day in July!

A Detroit festival charged white people $20 and black people $10, then they got hit with backlash
–– POCket difference.

Another person was caught on camera licking ice cream in a store, police say
–– If that’s a crime, we are guilty!

Twitter rages at 'disgusting' Walmart customer who gargled with Listerine and spit it back into container
–– They shoulda caught a whiff of her breath first.

Climbers seek new routes to keep the thrill of Everest alive
–– Why not just lock self in freezer, throw off bridge?

Cables from UK's ambassador to the US blast Trump as 'inept,' 'incompetent'
–– British being typically polite.

Trump says he will no longer deal with UK ambassador who labeled him 'inept'
–– Will sext Nigel Farage, pretend he’s ambassador.

Jaden Smith Really, Really Wants to Change the World
–– Would be better if it never heard from him again.

Netflix Adopts Smoking Policy Following Damning Report, ‘Stranger Things’ a Top Offender
–– Promises anti-Mind Flayer PSAs.

Happy birthday, Alelia Murphy! The oldest woman in the United States turns 114
–– African-American ‘gal’ on Biden’s VP shortlist.

A 70-year-old marathoner hounded by cheating allegations is found dead in a river
–– Run into the ground.

Forget the Pork. Add Some Flower Power to Your Quesadillas.
–– Vete a la mierda.

Someone Used a Chain Saw to Make a Melania Trump Statue. Few Were Impressed.
–– Slovenlyna.

We Thought We Lived on Solid Ground. California’s Earthquakes Changed That.
–– Because no one ever mentioned possibility of SoCal quake.

Earthquake Rattles a State Wary of the ‘Big One’
–– Particularly #MeToo.

What Bipolar II Feels Like
–– Like Bipolar x 2?

Here’s why we call the open-mouth smooch a 'French kiss'
–– Americans took stab at foreign tongue.

Federal appeals court rules against 'bikini baristas'
–– Takeout cup size.

João Gilberto, a pioneer of Bossa Nova, has died at 88
–– Lying down to Rio.

Mad Magazine, Irreverent Baby Boomer Humor Bible, Is All but Dead
–– Doesn’t feel like a Neuman.

Kevin Spacey Questioned by Scotland Yard Over Sexual Assault Allegations
–– By Inspector Jack D. Tallywhacker.

Week of 07/05/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump May Have Just Revealed The Real Reason For The Census Citizenship Question
–– Wants to know where to get best taco bowls?

Biggest earthquake in years rattles Southern California

Trump urged to ignore Supreme Court, print census question: 'Because we should,' GOP lawmaker says
–– In act of census violence.

President Trump Said Revolutionary War Troops 'Took Over the Airports' in His Fourth of July Speech
–– Aimed muskets at BOAC jets.

Conway Rips Trump for Confusing Name of Presidential Jet with Putin's Plane
–– Piloted by Minute Men.

Defying critics, Trump salutes military in pomp-filled July 4 celebration
–– Displays pomp adore.

Trump asks Americans to 'stay true to our cause' at Salute to America Fourth of July celebration in Washington
–– That’s hard royal ‘our.’

Trump officials 'fear embarrassingly tiny crowd' for his Fourth of July speech
–– Did security make male attendees drop trou?

’This says something': Thousands gather in Washington for Donald Trump's 4th of July celebration
–– Says there are thousands of suckers.

Is President Donald Trump losing his fight to save coal? Third major company since May files for bankruptcy
–– On biggest BBQ weekend of the year!

Ancient DNA may reveal origin of the Philistines
–– All descendants of Phyllis Stein.

Erdogan says Xinjiang camps shouldn't spoil Turkey-China relationship
–– Has ‘em up the Xinpiang.

Brexit Party MEPs branded 'extremists' for Ode to Joy stunt: 'We would never turn our back on the British anthem'
–– Fool Britannia?

Venezuela: UN report accuses Maduro of ‘gross violations’ against dissenters
–– ‘Gross’ is adjective that applies to most of his actions.

Quentin Tarantino reveals 'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood' could be his last film
–– Don’t tease us, QT-pie!

World’s Largest Seaweed Bloom Discovered from Space, Stretches 5,000 Miles
–– What’s it all about, algae?

Son of Hamas founder brands movement ‘racist terror organisation’ that lives luxury lifestyle while Palestinian people suffer
–– Hamas home point.

Biden says having a female vice president would be 'great'
–– ‘Y’know, I might've have nailed Gerry Ferraro if she’d won.’

Joe Biden says that he wasn't prepared for Kamala Harris' criticism on segregation and busing
–– Glad she didn't go after him liking All in the Family.

Joe Biden Insists 'I Don't Have to Atone' for Calling Busing 'Asinine'
–– But might on Yom Kippur if polls support it.

Biden shrugs off heckler calling him by Trump nickname 'Sleepy Joe'
–– Rolls over, dozes off.

Biden knocks AOC wing of Democratic Party, warns voters are not 'way left'
–– Way lost.

Biden’s 'gay waiter' comment on LGBTQ rights falls flat in Seattle
–– Like Pink Lady spilled in lap.

Texas man fatally shoots his sister before turning gun on himself in suspected murder-suicide
–– Or really unfortunate gun-cleaning accident.

NASA will look for life in space with a nuclear-powered drone
–– First needs to discover intelligent form in DC.

Europe Has Turned Its Back on Its ISIS Suspects
–– Showing them view they deserve.

They escaped ISIS. Then they got sucked into Baghdad's sex trafficking underworld
–– Ed. note: Maybe other verb for ‘sucked’?

Kushner slams Palestinians for acting 'hysterical and stupid' after snubbing his Bahrain conference
–– Screams ‘that’s my job!’

Steve Bullock raises $2 million for 2020 bid in second quarter, campaign says
–– By spelling name Sandra on solicitation letters.

Are Paint Fumes a Health Concern? Here's What the Latest Science Says
–– Not when you’re really high.

King Tut statue sells for almost $6M despite outcry
–– Yells ‘Tut, tut!’ when you squeeze it.

Kevin Spacey Accuser Abruptly Drops Assault and Battery Lawsuit
–– Let's go of 'it.'

Teenager Accused of Rape Deserves Leniency Because He’s From a ‘Good Family,’ Judge Says
–– ‘Good’ grief.

Bernard Tomic fined $56,100 for lack of effort in limp Wimbledon defeat
–– Ginnin’ Tomic.

Elizabeth Warren has snapped 35,000 'selfies' with voters: 'You can't buy advertising like this'
–– Um, actually you can.

Megan Rapinoe's message to her critics: 'I think I am extremely American'
–– Constitution doesn’t say anything about being good sport.

’Walking Dead' fans stunned after comic book series ends without warning
–– No time to catch some Z’s.

Trump Defends Border Patrol as Criticism of Detention Conditions Grows
–– ‘Zey vere chust following orders.’

Hispanic pastors tour border facility, say they are 'shocked by misinformation'
–– ‘Filth, misery’ to be expected.

N. Korea says US 'hell-bent' on sanctions despite Trump-Kim meet
–– Would be with Satan in charge.

War crimes court-martial ends with Navy SEAL walking free
–– More waddling out, clapping fins.

Trump congratulates navy Seal who committed war crime with dead body: ‘Glad I could help!’
–– Handed him knife to shove in neck? Held camera for pic with corpse?

Kamala Harris Rips Into Trump: 'We Have A Predator Living In The White House'
–– Raptor head around it.

Reptile invasion: Florida agency encourages killing iguanas
–– Afraid hunters won’t be able to distinguish from seniors.

Dubai ruler sues wife Princess Haya in UK's High Court
–– Haya learning.

‘Wolf of Wall Street’ Producer Riza Aziz Arrested on Money Laundering Charges
–– Claims he was just doing research for film.

“She Has No Legal Recourse": Why Taylor Swift Won't Sue Scooter Braun to Get Her Masters
–– S’whiffed.

Several people stabbed at Virginia plasma center
–– Bad news, uh, good news?

Human bones found in a bag hanging on the door of a New Jersey cafe
–– Do not order soup of day.

Maryland boy victim of flesh-eating bacteria after a swim off the coast of Maryland
–– Where again?

Woman filmed licking ice cream tub could face 20 years
–– Her nickname for boyfriend.

Nicolas Sarkozy, at 5 feet 5 inches, mocked for magazine showing him taller than supermodel wife Carla Bruni
–– Magazine was Une Fellation.

Disney cuts 'Toy Story 2' casting couch scene
–– Left in Potato giving Head.

Louis Tomlinson Says He Didn’t Approve ‘Euphoria’ Sex Scene With Harry Styles
–– Not one erection.

A$AP Rocky Arrested Under Suspicion of Assault
–– What A $AP.

Highway patrol pulled over a hearse in the HOV lane. The driver pointed to the back and asked, 'He doesn't count?'
–– Officer threatened to ticket corpse for not buckling up.

Arte Johnson, Master of Manic Characters on 'Laugh-In,' Dies at 90
–– Verry eh.

Lee Iacocca, Visionary Automaker Who Led Both Ford and Chrysler, Is Dead at 94
–– Auto-delete.

Milton Quon, Disney Animator on 'Fantasia' and 'Dumbo,' Dies at 105
–– Cine Quon none.

John Hickenlooper's senior aides urged him to drop 2020 bid and run for Senate
–– Ones who realized he was in race.

’Straight Pride Parade' organizers say they received suspicious envelopes in the mail. They were full of glitter
–– Sarindippity.

Miley Cyrus Drops NSFW Video for ‘Mother’s Daughter’
–– Not Safe For Whomever.

Pence cancels New Hampshire event to return to White House
–– President needed left nut scratched.

Trader Joe's, Green Giant and Signature Farms packaged vegetables recalled due to Listeria risk
–– But isn’t that fear of listicles?

Nike featuring Betsy Ross flag canceled after backlash
–– Because Colin Kaepernick wanted Colonial flag on sole.

Is the Betsy Ross flag a symbol for hate groups? Depends on who you ask
–– Moron or non.

Trump and R.N.C. Raised $105 Million in 2nd Quarter, Outdoing Obama
–– He’s still running?

Please Stop Telling Me America Is Great
–– OK, but you have to hear your video sucks.

10 Medical Myths We Should Stop Believing. Doctors, Too.
–– Until next set of studies.

NRA Shuts Down Live Programming Arm NRATV
–– Thought live arms, RAT were their things.

Women Are Sharing The Devastating Reason They're Deciding Not To Have Children
–– Children.

Cardi B wanted to trademark 'Okurrr.' The patent office said 'uh uh'
–– Didn’t even okurr to them.

Outrage as Venezuelan navy captain dies under 'torture' after arrest over alleged coup plot
–– Does ‘torture’ ‘hurt’?

Bette Midler Responds to Trump Calling Her ‘Washed-Up Psycho’ at World Pride
–– ‘I’m totally active psycho!’

Fox host Tucker Carlson defends North Korean regime: ‘Leading a country means killing people’
–– Hosting on Fox means killing brain cells.

Ex-Fox News reporter says network's prime-time lineup was 'more than I could stand'
–– That's why idiot hosts get to sit.

Stowaway falls into a south London garden from Kenya Airways plane
–– Pushing up daisies.

Exclusive: Democrats investigating whistleblower claims Pompeo's security picked up Chinese food and his dog
–– And were they same thing.

Complaining didn't work, so a man threw a birthday party for a pothole. Within days, the city fixed it.
–– Following week he held wake.

It’s so hot that mussels are cooking in their shells and highways are buckling
–– Pop-up seafood shacks sweep highway.

David Lynch Calls ‘Bullshit’ on One Crazy ‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ Fan Theory
–– We call ‘bullshit’ on entire series.

We Won’t Always Have the Paris: Losing the Last Theater of Its Kind in America
–– Balcony is closed.

Iran exceeds uranium caps set by nuclear deal, foreign minister says
–– Now sporting nuclear fedoras.

Bleak Indie Summer Continues: ‘Maiden’ Outpaces Openers as ‘Late Night’ Collapses
–– Only so many Seven Sisters’ grads.

What if All Your Slack Chats Were Leaked?
–– What if all your shat slacks leaked?

Vladimir Putin Says Elton John Is "Mistaken," Russia Is "Very Neutral" Toward LGBT Community
–– “And only sometime we throw into reverse to scatter homosexuals.”

Ivanka Trump Tests Her Diplomatic Chops and Riles a Legion of Critics
–– Lame chops.

In New Talks, U.S. May Settle for a Nuclear Freeze by North Korea
–– Or No More Nukes ice pop.

Trump’s North Korean gambit is already a political win
–– Kim doing handstands or triumphantly standing on lackeys’ hands.

Contractor says suspect in killing of Utah college student asked him to build a secret room
–– Wreck room.

Joey Chestnut ate a hot dog while he threw his first pitch because he's Joey Chestnut
–– After first taking chunk out of baseball.

Mets apologize for putting two living players in memorial montage at 1969 reunion
–– And several seemingly dead ones on field.

Death on the trail: More Americans visit national parks, but fewer rangers on patrol
–– Predators’ satisfaction ratings at all-time high.

Hedge-Fund Heir Found Guilty of Murdering Father After Allowance Was Cut
–– Heir trigger response.

Sensitive Trump Goes After Jimmy Carter for Telling the Truth
–– He’s Morrissey of insult presidents.

Putin says liberalism 'eating itself,' migrant influx wrong
–– Liberalism responds: ‘Eat me.’

George R.R. Martin Says the ‘Internet Is Toxic’ in Aftermath of ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 8 Outrage
–– ‘And spreads like Wildfire.’

Trump says he appreciates Saudi purchase of U.S. military equipment
–– Threw in bonus Mar a Lago Club memberships.

Trump dismisses need for climate change action: ‘We have the cleanest water we’ve ever had, we have the cleanest air’
–– ‘We’ll soon be having so much clean water, you’ll be saying no more clean water.’

School recalls yearbooks after teacher quotes Hitler as his 'favorite person in history'
–– It is Whitesville Central School.

Tom Holland A Bit Heartbroken Gwyneth Paltrow Didn’t Remember Acting in ‘Spider-Man’
–– Because it wasn’t really acting.

Sebastian Stan Jokes That Avengers Costar Gwyneth Paltrow Still Doesn't Know Him
–– No Stan laurels?

Chris Pratt Instagrams a Photo of His Butt After Getting Super Sunburnt on His Hawaiian Honeymoon
–– Gluteals of the Galaxy.

Dave Bautista Rejects Starring in ‘Fast and Furious’ Movies: ‘I’d Rather Do Good Films’
–– Disregardians of the Galaxy.

Mark Wahlberg tipped to replace Avengers' Chris Evans in new film
–– Not Avengers’ film, mind you.

Bernie Sanders calls Trump 'a racist and a bigot' day after Democratic debate
–– And claims ‘sun rises in East and sets in West.’

Twitter is canceling the Dalai Lama because he said a female successor should be 'attractive'
–– Demands Dalai Glama.

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham bruised amid scuffle between reporters, North Korean guards
–– Reputation already in traction.

Crocodiles and alligators once chose vegetables over meat, researchers who studied prehistoric teeth say
–– Now prefer vegans.

An oil spill that began 15 years ago is up to a thousand times worse than the rig owner's estimate, study finds
–– Spill: the beans.

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot calls Eric Trump spitting incident ‘repugnant'
–– And aim ‘lousy.’

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