Fossil Fool
Week of 04/10/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. Inflation Surged in March as Iran War Pushed Up Prices
–– Gulf figure!
Why US-Iran Ceasefire Hasn’t Led to Hormuz Reopening
–– Strait-up eff u from Tehran.
Facing Many Crises, Pakistan Tries to End a Big One — in Iran
–– While we don't give fig about failing state's nuclear stockpile.
Trump says Vance may not attend peace talks in Pakistan over safety concerns
–– Can’t you get him bulletproof diadey?
Strait of Hormuz has immediately become the first major flash point of Trump's ‘fragile' ceasefire
–– More brittle than his ego.
Trump warns a 'whole civilization will die tonight' if a deal with Iran isn't reached
–– Ours.
Trump to Iran: "Open the Fuckin' Strait" or face bombing Tuesday
–– Remember that bombing? Was pretty apocryphaliptic!
White House Unexpectedly Cuts Press Access to Trump
–– Right before he cut access with reality.
Top Armed Forces Democrat: Trump has ‘become as fanatical as the regime leaders in Tehran’
–– Even bigger shi’ahead.
House Republican breaks with Trump, says he doesn’t support destruction of a 'whole civilization'
-– This week in ‘portraits in courage.’
Donald Trump Slams ‘Nut Jobs’ Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Candace Owens, Alex Jones for Opposing Iran War: ‘They’re Stupid People’
–– Of course, they supported, voted for you.
The New York Times Fires Back at Trump Over ‘Derisive’ Response to War Crimes Question
–– In latest slang for ‘dumbasinine.’
Hegseth Likens Easter Rescue of U.S. Airman to Resurrection of Jesus Christ
–– And Trump’s 'f**kin’' post? Herod’s massacre of innocents edict?
Alex Jones Freaks Out About Trump’s Mental Decline: ‘Can’t Deny This Is Happening’
–– From man who can deny mass shootings.
Ghost Murmur tool that ‘found US airman’ defies the laws of physics
–– Why military stores at Area 52.
Iran threatens ‘complete and utter annihilation’ of OpenAI's $30B Stargate AI data center in Abu Dhabi — regime posts video with satellite imagery of ChatGPT-maker's premier 1GW data center
–– Or Act of Mercy.
Chris Cuomo Calls Pam Bondi the First Public Official Fired for ‘Not Being Corrupt Enough’
–– After several months in Reeducation Camp in Trump Tower she'll deserve second shot.
Acting AG says ‘Nobody has any idea why’ Pam Bondi was fired except for Trump
–– Make that ‘including.’
Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche Says He'll Tell Donald Trump 'I Love You, Sir' if He's Fired
–– After he’d removed him from mouth.
Bondi won’t testify before House about Epstein files, DOJ says
–– Cite 'just 'cause.'
Melania Trump denounces 'lies' connecting her with disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein in White House event
–– What did she say about all actual evidence?
Melania and Donald Trump's matchmaker is willing to testify under OATH about how they met
–– Who wouldn’t believe Trump's Special Envoy for Global Partnership?
Melania Trump’s Unexpected Easter Look
–– Scared bunny?
Meryl Streep Calls Out Melania Trump Fashion and the 'Destabilizing' of Women in Power: 'They Have to Bare Arms on TV While Men Are Covered in a Suit’
–– Pete Hegseth’s making sure they don’t bear arms.
Joe Rogan claims Trump started the war in Iran to distract Americans from the Epstein files
–– Then ‘Mission Accomplished.’
Fetterman breaks with Democrats, says Trump's military strikes on Iran have 'made the world safer'
–– Quoting voice screaming in head.
White House Sends Warning to Staff After Mysteriously Well-Timed Bets
–– Tells them to dial down 'luck.'
Trump Files Emergency Appeal To Keep Building His Ballroom, Claims It’s a Matter of National Security
–– Like his Depends.
Trump Needs Smarter Sycophants
–– This week in oxymorons. And MAGAmorons.
Megyn Kelly Says There’s ‘No Way’ Trump Didn’t Know About Kristi Noem’s Husband’s Alleged ******
–– Big boobs just know.
Kristi Noem’s 'Paramour' Corey Lewandowski Reportedly Under Investigation Amid Her Family Scandal
–– You mean paramoron.
Kristi Noem hugely overpaid for a $145 million warehouse in one of her final acts at DHS, report says
–– Was desperate for place to store her cosmetics.
RFK Jr. Desperately Tries to Rebrand After Sordid Revelations
–– Family hopes it starts with name.
Trump’s Education Chief Linda McMahon Repeatedly Calls AI ‘A1’ in School Speech
–– Was thinking of sauce for steak lunch.
Hannity Awkwardly Tells DeSantis, ‘I Didn’t Know That It Was Legal to Marry a First Cousin’ in Florida
–– Yes, but they can only perform anal.
No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
–– He just forgot to mention he was also invisible.
‘They’ve lost the jury pool’: Jeanine Pirro’s office is struggling to win trials this year
–– After repeatedly peeing in it.
Supreme Court clears way for Trump DOJ to wipe out Steve Bannon's conviction
–– Can some government body wipe out Bannon?
Project 2025 architect quits South Carolina Senate race and endorses Lindsey Graham challenger
–– Will return to career as Kevin James impersonator.
Four women describe sexual misconduct by Rep. Eric Swalwell, including a former staffer who says he raped her
–– Was well, swole.
‘Squeeze My Balls’: Wild Texts Allegedly Show Embattled GOP Lawmaker Made Sexual Demands of Campaign Director
–– Gonzalez is a testicular cancer.
‘I know what it requires’: Harris on why she’s thinking about running for president in 2028
–– What you haven’t got.
Crowd chants ‘Run again!’ to Kamala, who said she’s ‘thinking about it’
–– Consider source.
Seoul spy agency says it's fair to view teen daughter of North Korean leader Kim as his heir
–– Heir apparently crazy.
–– OpenAF.
Legendary ‘60 Minutes’ Correspondent Steve Kroft Says He ‘Hated’ Working on The Show: ‘It’s Just 24 Hours a Day’
–– Squeals and Kroft.
CBS Sets ‘Late Show’ Replacement: Byron Allen’s ‘Comics Unleashed’
–– Was that or hour loop of this.
Anti-Trump Comedian Seals Deal To Pay for Colbert’s Airtime on CBS, Will Air Comedy Shows in Place of Canceled ‘Late Show’
–– Allen is 'Anti-Trump?' 'Comedian?!'
Broken Parts: The Downsizing of J.J. Abrams’ Bad Robot
–– Junky Junk.
Ian McKellen ‘Fell in Love With’ Johnny Depp on ‘Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol’ Set: ‘He’s in Spankingly Good Form’
–– ‘You should see my rosy red cheeks!
Podcast: Harrison Ford on the “Serious Shit” of 'Shrinking,' How Depression Led Him to Acting and Why He's “Terribly Concerned” About the Future of Moviegoing
–– You're 83, chill out.
“The original triple threat’: two exhibitions celebrate Marilyn Monroe as creative pioneer
–– Counting body parts separately?
See the Original 1987 'Masters of the Universe' Cast Side-by-Side with the Stars of the 2026 Remake
–– This week in ‘dumb and dumber.’
Billionaire, 83, Settles Divorce With Model, 33, After Wild Sex and Drugs Claims
–– Geffen as good as he gets.
‘The Housemaid’ Author Freida McFadden Reveals Her True Identity: ‘I’m Tired of This Being a Secret’
–– So brave of her to admit.
Silence took Martin Scorsese nearly 30 years to make – and it shows
–– It’s taken us 10 years and counting to watch.
Martin Scorsese Says He 'Forgot It Was Me' When He Saw His Cameo in Jonah Hill's New Movie
–– He is getting up there.
Olivia Munn says a male costar once stopped filming because her character saved his in a scene: 'We're not doing this'
–– Munn overboard.
Birthday girl Paulina Porizkova's supermodel beach body at 61 shines in tiny string bikini
–– It's all that lube.
James McAvoy Once Faked a Northern British Accent to Land an Audition: 'It Didn't Go Well'
–– People keeping it relatable.
Natasha Lyonne escorted off Delta flight hours after 'Euphoria' Season 3 premiere
–– Experiencing ewwphoria.
Lorenzo Lamas recalls falling ‘in love all over again’ with ‘Grease’ costar Olivia Newton-John
–– Post-mortem?
–– The accidental Tourettes?
Fleetwood Mac cofounder Mick Fleetwood weds for the 5th time at 78
–– Don't start thinking about tomorrow.
1974 Hit Ranked the Greatest ‘American Rock Song’ Ever Still Defines Classic Rock
–– Free Bird’s why classic rock’s gone way of skiffle.
The Rolling Stones Prepping New Album
–– Of grandchildren’s photos.
Lady Gaga 'Heartbroken' as She Abruptly Cancels Concert After Doctor 'Strongly Advised' Her Not to Perform
–– Everybody’s a critic!
Wireless Music Festival Canceled After Kanye West Blocked From U.K. Over Headline Backlash
–– Offered to play Hora.
Rapper Offset Shot Near Florida Casino
–– What setoff?
Why the Rehabilitation of Kanye West Says So Much About America
–– Which rehab are we talking about?
Inside the 'Michael' Overhaul: $15 Million Reshoots, Removing Child Abuse Allegations and What's in Store for Sequels
–– Moonwalked back pedophilia.
Schools are closing for the NFL draft. What does this teach students?
–– Primary goal’s filling stands.
Shohei Ohtani struck out by Nationals reliever whose mother received help from Dodgers star for cancer treatment
–– This week in ‘connect the dots?!’
Gary Woodland is trying to win the Masters while fighting anxiety so severe he thinks someone is ‘trying to kill me’
–– Woodland creatures have guns!
The anti-data center movement is growing — and becoming more unhinged
–– Hey, WaPo, we have ideal location for one.
What Really Happened With Last Year’s Drone Panic in New Jersey?
–– Usual Situation.
A Wedding Weekend, No Spouse Required
–– Happiest guy not in room.
My Husband Can’t Get a Job. Should I Divorce Him
–– Why not publicly humiliate him a bit first?
To Topple the Patriarchy, These Women Have Sex With Vegetables
–– Cuke as a button?
Do men or women have worse farts? Science has the answer.
–– Who wins by nose?
This detox may erase 10 years of social media brain damage, researchers say
–– But who can afford lobotomy?
Will ‘sky couches’ make economy less miserable?
–– We're holding out for first class 'celestial sectionals.'
Can You Eat Brown Avocado? Here’s What To Know
–– We don’t care if you ‘can.’
This Hunan restaurant flew under my radar. Now I can’t stop going back.
–– To meet pilot.
Why Bartenders Roll Their Eyes When Customers Order 'A Beer’
–– We're not ophthalmologists, but Nystagmus?
DeSantis says West Palm Beach spot has ‘perfected the art of pizza’
–– The only culinary recommendation of his we'd heed, is for crow.
Why Costco's Food Court Stopped Selling Hebrew National Hot Dogs
–– Something's not kosher.
This Coffee-Inspired Cocktail Pairs Best With McDonald's Egg McMuffins
–– For you hardcore day drinkers.
25-year-old bagel chain closes all locations, files Chapter 7
–– Was in hole.
Matthew Perry’s Death: ‘Ketamine Queen’ Sentenced to 15 Years in Prison
–– Talk about Your Highness.
Accused Gilgo Beach serial killer admits to strangling 8 women
–– Eight misbehavin’.
Hero rat who sniffed out over 100 land mines is honored with giant statue
–– Blown up many times.
The secrets pf the sex lives of octopuses, revealed
–– Big into eight-ways.
Oldest octopus fossil found to not be an octopus
–– So why still 'oldest octopus fossil?'
Crabs Are Moving Into the Chernobyl of the Sea. Why Do They Love 1.6 Million Tons of Explosives?
–– Is that near Davey Jones’ Hurt Locker?
What Is a Shark? A New Genetic Analysis Throws an 'Unexpected Wrench' Into Our Understanding of the Ocean Predators
–– We'll ask next time we encounter one in surf.
7 animals that can kill a rhino: They may be fearsome, heavily armoured, and weigh more than 2 tonnes but they aren’t invincible
–– 7. Panther Tank, 6. Lamb Grenade, 5. Common Sniper, 4. Raccoon Launcher, 3. Badaboon, 2. Spider-man, 1. Newtron Bomb.
"It looks like an extra-terrestrial being that fell to Earth and behaves like a subterranean vampire." 10 weirdest, wackiest plants on the planet...
–– 10. Goofiolus, 9. Histrangea!, 8. Daffydil, 7. Cilly Lily, 6. Begoonia, 5. Dis Aster, 4. D'ohlia, 3. Snappedragon, 2. Phlox of Seagulls, 1. Zannya.
Why humans don’t have tails
–– Why monkeys don't have bank accounts.
–– Another bone-headed story.
Shroud of Turin, claimed to be Jesus' burial cloth, contaminated with carrot and red coral DNA
–– Confirmed by ancient unpaid dry-cleaning bill.
Time Is an Illusion-Meaning the Past, Present, and Future Exist Simultaneously, Physicist Claims
–– He was, is, will be full of crap.
Artemis II Astronauts Head Home After Historic Journey Around the Moon
–– Complete unprecedented uey.
–– Don't Artemis it!
Jim Whittaker, the first American to summit Mount Everest, dies at 97
–– Peaked early.
