A Tax of the Clones
Week of 11/07/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
A Skeptical Supreme Court Puts Trump’s Economic Agenda in Question
–– After buying 90% of his other crap.
Trump Outs Top White House Aide as Being on ‘Fat Drugs’
–– Looks like he’s on ugly pills, too.
‘Really?!’ Anderson Cooper Stunned After Being Told Trump Will ‘Have To Give All the Money Back’ if SCOTUS Strikes Down Tariffs
–– You mean you can't keep unconstitutionally extorted funds?
Trump’s former trade architect says the president can’t backtrack on tariffs because he’s ‘too committed’ now: ‘That would be a pretty horrific decision’
–– Crypt Keeper would know. Cue laugh.
Trump Lawyer Gets Cut Off by Sotomayor on Coney Barrett’s Behalf: ‘Could You Just Answer The Justice?’
–– We object! Lawyer is obviously a prevaricating lickspittle incapable of justifying a borderline insane legal argument. Have you no shame?
Elections on Tuesday Offer Democrats a Chance to Get Off the Mat
–– Put there by pinheads.
Republicans Point Fingers After Their Losses, but Not at Trump
–– Up own asses.
Fox News Host Drops Stunning Take on Election Bloodbath: ‘By Winning Democrats Are Actually Losing’
–– In Trumpian sense.
Make No Mistake: Trump Is an Albatross
–– More like dead right whale around Republicans’ neck, but we get idea.
For Mamdani, Winning Is One Thing. Governing Will Be Quite Another.
–– Which is utterly unique to him.
Sherrill dismisses the Democratic bedwetters
–– But that’s half her party.
Marjorie Taylor Greene calls it 'an embarrassment' the Republican-led House isn't in session during the shutdown
–– Imagine what it would take to embarrass her.
Ramaswamy: 2 issues cost Republicans votes on Tuesday
–– 1. Donald, 2.Trump.
Pro-Trump billionaire just offered an olive branch to Mamdani
–– Was actually poison ivy, but still…
'Dukes of Hazzard's' John Schneider Blasts NYC After Election: ‘You Made Your Lie… Now Bed in It’
–– Which was in no way stab at wordplay.
Vance calls court order to fully fund SNAP ‘absurd ruling’
–– In latest antonym for 'humane.'
Trump administration starts funding full SNAP benefits for November
–– Again doing impossible.
As food aid expired, Trump cheered his marble bathroom and held a ‘Gatsby’ party
–– Bragged he'd heard of Robert Redford movie.
Report: Donors to Trump’s White House ballroom have $279B in federal contracts
–– This week in coinkydinks.
JPMorgan Boss Explains Why Bank Isn’t Donating To Trump Ballroom: ‘We Have An Issue, OK?’
–– 'And we prefer cash bribes.'
60 Minutes Removes Trump’s Threat to ‘Walk Away’ from Interview During Corruption Questioning
–– Which is entirely different than nefariously editing political interview for time.
‘Paid Me a Lotta Money!’ Trump Takes Victory Lap Over ’60 Minutes’ — In Part of Interview That Didn’t Air Live On ’60 Minutes’
–– Lap around Oval Office estimated to take 35 minutes.
CBS’s Norah O’Donnell faces MAGA fury for referring to president as ‘Mr Trump’ during ‘60 Minutes’ interview
–– Lucky she didn’t accurately call him ‘Dickhead.’
Trump’s Vision of a Mar-a-Lago on the Potomac Upends an American Idea
–– And has ghosts of Founding Fathers upchucking echhtoplasm.
Half of Americans say Trump admin not committed to protecting rights, freedoms: Poll
–– Only half?!!!
Trump’s housing chief calls Jerome Powell a ‘maniac’ who is ‘deranged,’ arguing high mortgage rates are ‘really hurting people’
–– Pulte out of his ass.
Deadlines Loom for White House to Explain Food Stamp Funding Plans
–– Or anything other part of first 10 months in office.
Head of NASA Threatens to Ground Every Single Commercial Flight Before Thanksgiving
–– ‘Even the turkeys if they get airborne.’
Trump Says He Doesn’t Know Crypto Billionaire He Pardoned
–– Did recognize color of money.
Feds Try to Nail Senior, 66, for ‘Looking At’ Stephen Miller’s Wife
–– Should be rewarded handsomely for that dirty work.
Trump approves pardon for former NYPD officer convicted in Chinese government scheme
–– Really scrounging for scumbags.
DHS ‘erroneously’ told watchdog group it had no Noem text messages
–– In latest slang for 'feloniously.'
Border Patrol commander admitted he lied about tear gas incident, judge says
–– Saw through smoke screen.
Kash Patel’s country singer girlfriend files lawsuit against Senate candidate who suggested she was an Israeli spy
–– Who’s sleeping with what appears to be mole.
DC sandwich thrower found not guilty of assault
–– With a diddley weapon.
Nick Fuentes’s Rise Puts MAGA Movement in a ‘Time of Choosing’
–– Between bad, worse.
‘Entering Dangerous Territory’: WSJ Drags Nick Fuentes, Tucker Carlson, and Heritage Foundation in Scathing Op-Ed
–– GOP up to neck in white nationalist quagmire.
Ex-Trump Adviser Stephen Moore Leaves Heritage Foundation Amidst Nick Fuentes-Tucker Carlson Controversy
–– Current economic advisor Stephen Hassett sleeps with Fuentes picture under pillow.
JD Vance Awkwardly Watches Trump Mock Him for ‘Butting In to Conversations’ in a Room Full of GOP Senators
–– His number two cents.
Trump, long fixated on ‘fat drugs,’ announces deal to lower their price
–– If only he could use on head.
Trump punches new $35 billion hole in national debt with deal for Medicare to cover your Ozempic
–– Looking to shrink economy.
Pharmaceutical Rep Collapses in Oval Office During Trump Weight Loss Drug Press Conference
–– President provides sucker.
Gavin Newsom Declares ‘Dozy Don Is Back’ After Oval Office Shuteye
–– In this week's snooze cycle.
Dr. Oz Reveals Move Trump Finally Made After Freezing Mid-Emergency
–– Adjusted truss.
Surgeon general nominee shows why the office should be scrubbed
–– Before surgery?
Trump may override Dana White for UFC White House fight card — ‘Jon Jones has to fight’
–– Only name he can pronounce without stumbling.
Supreme Court allows Trump to end passport gender marker policy
–– Even to Transylvania, Transnistria, Transkei?
Karoline Leavitt, 28, Called Out for ‘Photoshopping’ Husband, 60
–– Applies Gaussian Blur.
Kash Fumes at MAGA for Not Defending His $60M FBI Jet Date
–– Won't make plane and simple.
MSNBC Hits Keystone Kash With a Supercut of Him Trashing His Predecessor’s Jet Use
–– Joins eight-mile lie club.
MacKenzie Scott has donated more than $19 billion—but it’s barely made a dent in her net worth because of the power of Amazon shares
–– And she never has to smell Jeff Bezos again.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Tells ‘The View’ Hosts She Didn’t Want to Fight On-Air: ‘Takes Women of Maturity’ to Fix Things
–– Who in hell was she looking at?
Everyone Is Making The Same Joke After Tomi Lahren Told Dems Not To Come To "Great Red Cities"
–– Beijing is pretty far.
George Clooney Says Kamala Harris Running for President Without a Primary Was a ‘Mistake’
–– Is that justification for your idiot ‘dump Biden’ move?
Nancy Pelosi announces she will not seek reelection to Congress after nearly 40 years in Washington
–– And only 85 years young!
Pelosi: Trump is ‘worst thing on the face of the Earth’
–– So we’re not talking whole solar system?
Trump’s Pelosi Diss Leaves MSNBC Analyst Struggling To Find Words: ‘God, We Need Like an Hour For This’
–– We're starting to get idea they don't like each other.
Ken Paxton — Whose Wife Sued For Divorce ‘On Biblical Grounds’ — Sues Texas School For Refusing To Display Ten Commandments
–– His kinks not even covered by Almighty.
Israel rocked by scandal as top military lawyer resigns, goes missing, is found and thrown into jail
–– For war crimes –– exposing them, that is.
Mexico’s President Sheinbaum takes legal action after groping incident
–– Hands down judgment.
Outspoken Mexican Mayor Who Declared War on Cartels Is Killed
–– Narced out.
Trump’s Economy Is Looking More and More Like Saudi Arabia’s
–– With less respect for journalists.
Tariffs on pasta from Italy could soon soar to more than 100%
–– Spaghetti squashed.
Daniel Day-Lewis Says Brian Cox Dragged Him Into Method Actor Debate, Denies Claim That He Taught Jeremy Strong: ‘I Don’t Feel Responsible in Any Way’ for How Strong Acts on Set
–– No Strong feelings?
‘Stranger Things’ Star Millie Bobby Brown Filed Harassment and Bullying Claims Against David Harbour
–– Harboured resentments.
Jennifer Lawrence 'Never Felt' David O. Russell 'Was Degrading or Yelling at Me' on Set: 'If He Didn't Like Something' He'd Say 'That Was Terrible. Looked Like S—. Do It Better'
–– 'You dumb blonde bimbo!'
Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone Developing ‘Miss Piggy’ Movie With ‘Oh, Mary’ Tony-Winner Cole Escola
–– Aimed at all those Aronofsky/Lanthimos/drag-loving families.
Alex Rodriguez's Ex-Wife Cynthia Says She 'Felt Sorry for Him' Due to His 'Stunted' Childhood
–– Parents were little people?
Jeremy Renner accused of sending ‘unsolicited pornographic images’ to filmmaking partner before threatening to call ICE on her
–– Was this when he got plowed in different way?
Charlie Sheen’s Ex Claims ‘We Did Everything’
–– And yet, somehow, accomplished exactly nothing.
AMC Theatres Posts $298.2 Million Quarterly Loss Despite Summer Hits Like ‘Superman,’ ‘Jurassic World Rebirth’
–– Or 10,000 MegaBags of Popcorn.
Brooks Nader on All the Cosmetic Procedures She's Had: 'People Say I Look Like Michael Jackson'
–– Today.
Lynda Carter's 'Wonder Woman' Turns 50 as Costume, Cuffs, and 'Lasso of Truth' Sell for Whopping Sum at Auction
–– Did cuffs match lasso?
All the ‘Predator’ Movies, Ranked
–– From rank to rankest.
The Shocking True Story of “Death by Lightning”: What to Know About President James Garfield's Assassination
–– About which 14 living Americans care.
Paramount Sued By Exec Who Claims He Was Fired for Being White and Over 50
–– And ‘just as incompetent as any woman or minority.’
Mark Sanchez exits Fox Sports after stabbing incident
–– Puts fork in career.
Tom Brady Says He Cloned His Dog. Cue the Critics.
–– Because world desperately needed another pit bull.
Giants kicker Graham Gano says he's faced death threats from sports bettors for years
–– Sounds like guano.
Trump Pardons Darryl Strawberry
–– Out of Strawberry jam.
Everyone Hates ‘Friend,’ the A.I. Necklace. But the A.I. Isn’t the Problem.
–– Claims the A.I.
The Term '67' Is 'Impossible to Define.' It Just Became Dictionary.com's Word of the Year for 2025
–– Decision is 'impossible to explain.'
For Gen Z-ers, Work Is Now More Depressing Than Unemployment
–– We’re on fence if reading about them working or not is more depressing.
We’re in an ‘education depression.’ This solution is a no-brainer.
–– So students today might understand it.
‘A Big Positive’: How One Company Plans to Profit From Medicaid Cuts
–– Amorally.
How to avoid seasonal depression, according to the expert who discovered it
–– In latest slang for ‘invented.’
Why Do Men Have Nipples?
–– They’re tweaker sex?
To Ease Sciatica, Keep Moving
–– Walk cross-country.
New study links melatonin and heart failure, but experts say don’t panic yet
–– Sleep on it.
World's oldest McDonald's Quarter Pounder turns 30 and is still 'eerily intact'
–– And just got it’s GED!
I Tried Shake Shack’s New Big Shack vs. McDonald’s Big Mac—This Burger Won
–– 25-year-old Big Mac!
Coca-Cola Is Trying Another AI Holiday Ad. Executives Say This Time Is Different
–– Will only allow AI to review it.
We Tasted 7 Canned Pumpkins — and Our No. 1 Pick Isn’t the One You Think
–– First tell us more about mind-reading skills.
Black boxes recovered in UPS plane crash in Louisville as death toll rises to 12
–– Neatly packed.
One of UPS Jet’s Engines Detached From Plane in Louisville, Official Says
–– Drop-off you never want to make.
FAA orders 10% cut in flights at several airports as shutdown drags on
–– Nobodies getting off.
Travelers face cancellations and frustration as the FAA orders flight cuts due to the shutdown
–– Flight decked.
Arrests in Louvre Heist Show Power of DNA Databases in Solving Crimes
–– Eat it, Poirot.
Blondie's Chris Stein reacts after 5 arrested in deaths of his daughter and Robert De Niro's grandson
–– One way or another, they're gonna find ya. They're gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya.
‘Butt Lady' sentenced to prison in death of “CSI: Miami” and “ER” actress after botched injection
–– Rear's ugly head.
5 extraordinarily weird animal noses: from tentacles to tubular snouts, here are nature’s most ingenious nasal designs
–– 5. Gill honker., 4. Crested hooter., 3. Navel nostril., 2. Pudendal schnoz., 1. Pootie snoot.
Wild Elephants Broke a Man’s Legs in a Sudden Attack. Then, They Returned Later the Same Night and Killed Him
–– Ditched baseball bats, used elephant guns.
“Largest Great Hammerhead Ever Filmed in the Bahamas”
–– Sez who?
How squirrels actually find all their buried nuts
–– Fishing around in their briefs.
This Cave Has Been Sealed for Over 5 Million Years-And It’s Crawling with ‘Aliens’ Scientists Say
–– Aliens claim it's crawling with 'scientists.'
Maria Riva, Dietrich Daughter Who Demystified the Legend, Dies at 10
–– Riva runs dry.
Diane Ladd, Oscar-Nominated Actress and Mother to Laura Dern, Dies at 89
–– Jack the Ladd.
James Watson, co-discoverer of DNA double helix, dies at 97
–– Dead oN Arrival.
Dick Cheney, Powerful Vice President and Washington Insider, Dies at 84
–– Yanked Cheney.
Dick Cheney Cleared the Way for Donald Trump
–– Remember good ol’ days when we thought he was devil?
