Arch Enema
Week of 05/08/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
In France, Trump’s Triumphal Arch Draws Eye Rolls, and Echoes of Napoleon
–– Napoleon boner part.
Court releases purported suicide note from Jeffrey Epstein
–– Ink almost dry.
–– Like wrapping turd in ermine.
Trump administration sows confusion as it tries to reopen Strait of Hormuz
–– Spreading seeds like Onan.
Trump says US to help ships stranded in Strait of Hormuz as tanker fired on
–– Like hoping for rescue by
hantavirus.
Trump pauses effort to escort ships in Strait of Hormuz, citing deal progress
–– aka Market Regress.
Iran has hit far more U.S. military assets than reported, satellite images show
–– Claim Pharisees.
Trump’s Gyrations on the War Leave Even Rubio Out of Sync
–– Shitty, shitty shake.
Trump’s Intro Music Before Speech To Seniors Is A Little Too On The Nose
–– Live and Let Die should be motto of the Villages.
‘Goodnight brother, let’s go to bed’: Trump opens rally speech in Florida with bizarre impression of Ilhan Omar
–– Channeled feelings for Ivanka to get into character.
Donald Trump equates CBS correspondent Norah O’Donnell to 'any woman off the street' after 60 Minutes interview
–– We equate him to any man in asylum for criminally insane.
–– Then she must totally get him.
Conservative Journalist Forces Trump To Finally Reveal His Second Favorite Fast Food
–– Which would you like to see him choke on?
–– Hard-liners miss taste of blood.
The Atlantic Follows Up Bombshell Kash Patel Exposé With New Exclusive on His Fave Boozy Swag
–– Is bourbon bottle engraved with Ka$h or Knob Geek?
Jack Smith Calls the Justice Dept. ‘Corrupted’ by Trump and His Allies
–– In latest slang for ‘humped and dumped.'
John Roberts decries heated criticism of the Supreme Court
–– Citizens united in calling out rape of Constitution.
Virginia Supreme Court strikes down redistricting referendum approved by voters in special election
–– 4 White Nationalists, 2 Blacks and a Jew walk into a courthouse…
Republicans get massive win in fight for House with Virginia court ruling
––
After supposed democratic process itself kicked their ass.
Tennessee passes new congressional map likely to flip final Dem seat as protests erupt inside Capitol
–– Invoke Black-out policy.
Trump official boasts that Americans’ credit card spending is ‘through the roof.’ That’s far from a good thing
–– Economy on Hassett trip.
Trade court rules Trump’s replacement tariffs illegal
–– Hassett explains that’s actually good thing because Trump will never return dime.
Biden makes first endorsement since leaving White House
–– For Metamucil.
Jesse Watters Blames Biden for Spirit Airlines Collapse: ‘Let Thousands of Workers Lose Their Job’
–– Along with Charles Lindbergh.
Karoline Leavitt announces birth of baby girl
–– Aww, be sure to tell us when she says first lie.
Susan Collins Says She Has Long Had a Benign Tremor
— No great shakes as Senator.
California Residents Upset Over Renaming of Street After Charlie Kirk: ‘That’s So Hateful.’
–– Instant dead end.
Kyle Rittenhouse Hospitalized After Venomous Spider Bite
–– Simpering twit can now scale walls.
How Pfizer's CEO says he uses AI to make decisions
–– On screwing over patients.
Timothée Chalamet called out for 'manspreading' next to Tina Fey
–– Isn’t it more boyspreading?
Actor Carey Mulligan on Resisting Plastic Surgery: ‘Your Face Is Your Instrument’
–– ‘Mine’s a kazoo.’
Glenn Close’s Rarely Seen Daughter and Grandson Support Her Latest Career Milestone
–– Distant for Close relatives?
Sally Field remembers Robin Williams trying to make her laugh on 'Mrs. Doubtfire': 'It wasn't funny'
–– No, it wasn’t.
Comedian Peter Kay rushed off stage mid-show as audience evacuated
–– On stage.
Stephen Colbert reacts to CBS' replacement for 'The Late Show’
–– Byron Allen? Like star quarterback losing job to coat rack.
Meryl Streep Praises Stanley Tucci For Having an 'Elegance to His Heterosexuality': 'It Is Sometimes Harder for Straight Men'
–– To act gay?
Olivia Wilde addresses ‘Lord of the Rings’ Gollum comparisons after viral interview
–– Precious few excuses.
Spike Lee Defends 'Michael' From Critics Who Think Child Sexual Abuse Allegation Should Have Been Included: 'Doesn't Work in the Timeline of the Film'
–– Suggests way forward for Jeffrey Epstein biopic.
Stan Lee Was Angry About One Thing When He Made His First-Ever Marvel Cameo in 'The Trial of the Incredible Hulk,' 37 Years Ago
–– She-Hulk refused to give him massage.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler recalls heartbreaking final words she told James Gandolfini at his funeral
–– And his reply?
Michael Jackson's Chimp Bubbles Today: See What He Looks Like Now
–– After lipo, lip lift, fur implants.
New 'Planet of the Apes' Movie in the Works With 'Fantastic Four: First Steps' Director
–– Guess Bubbles wasn't available.
Ziggy Marley Says He’s Just Now 'Understanding the Impact’ of ‘Arthur’ Theme Song
–– But still can’t figure kind of animal Arthur is.
Hayden Panettiere comes out as bisexual: 'That's something about me I was never able to share with the world'
–– ‘But trying to sell my crappy memoir has made it possible.’
How a Hollywood Tough Guy Found Liberation in Fishnet
–– Um, uh, Luke Evans has been out for decades.
Clavicular Charged With Shooting at Alligator While Livestreaming
–– Attempted Clavicular homicide?
I finally watched the first James Bond movie and the rampant sexism didn’t surprise me –– how good it is did
–– Dr. No shit, Sherlock.
‘We got a drive-by egging in Baltimore’: Super Furry Animals on making The Man Don’t Give a Fuck
–– That Man is us.
Rock legend Sting explains why his six kids will not inherit his fortune
–– So they wouldn't kill him for it.
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” Singer Bonnie Tyler Hospitalized in Portugal After Emergency Surgery
–– Was it in cardiac unit or wasn’t it?
Celebrities boycotting the Met Gala amid Jeff and Lauren Bezos takeover
–– Like she was Madame X-lax.
Body as masterpiece: nipples, skeletons and tattoos dominate at record-breaking Met Gala
–– Check out these tits in Brit-slang-for-idiot-sense.
Inside the Met Gala, an Olympic champion learns just how famous she’s become
–– Inside the Met Gala.
King Charles and Queen Camilla Reportedly Asked Kate Middleton to Change the Spelling of Her Name
–– And adopt speech pattern more simpering then Diana's.
Warren Buffett explains sports betting in simple terms: "It's a tax on stupidity"
–– In attacks on stupidity.
Mystery sitter in Holbein portrait could be Anne Boleyn, AI analysis finds
–– Finally found use for it!
Worried Your House Is Haunted? The Spooky Sensation Might Arise From a Surprisingly Simple Source
–– Your complete gullibility.
Most People Do This Before Starting the Washer—but Shouldn’t
–– Free base fabric softener.
The Actual Reason McDonald's Diet Coke Tastes the Best
–– They all taste like AC coolant.
What ‘86’ Really Means in Restaurants — and Why It’s Suddenly in the News
–– Out of it, like Trump.
Scientists Want To Ban Boiling Lobsters Alive—Here’s What That Means For Your Favorite Seafood Spots
–– Crustacean assisted suicides.
Red Lobster’s Last Gasp
–– See above.
The One Ingredient You Should Never Add to Guacamole
–– Porcupine.
The Chinese Trick for Silky, Soft Scrambled Eggs Every Time
–– Silk worms in mixing bowl.
I Tried Burger King’s New Mandalorian Menu & There’s One Must-Try Dish
–– Grossgoo.
Why is everyone talking about watermelon buttholes?
–– You’re hanging with pervert greengrocers.
I Asked 4 Chefs How To Make the Best Meatloaf––Here’s What They Said
–– I replied, ‘I don’t think it will fit up there.’
Australia Has a Surprisingly Successful Truffle Industry. This New Study Could Explain Why
–– If we even for one second decided to read it.
New York Is Tasting A Bit More Like L.A.
–– Because, per Goop Kitchen’s Gwyneth Paltrow, in consciously uncoupled surmise, “I think New Yorkers have a voracious appetite to participate in their own wellness.”
Scientists Just Discovered a Surprising New Talent in Bees
–– Gettin’ busy.
Meet The Fossa — The Apex Predator That Baffled Scientists For Decades
–– Where’s the Mussa?
Was Bigfoot just spotted in Ohio? Reported sightings stoke a long-running hunt for answers
–– Or was ex-Cav Tacko Fall just stomping around?
111-Year-Old Man, Believed to Be the Oldest in the U.S., Says These 3 Things Are the Secret to Living a Long Life
–– 3. Not. 2. Dropping. 1. Dead.
The 33-Day ‘Atlantic Odyssey’ That Turned Into a Hantavirus Nightmare
–– Vo
How Do You Lift a 30,000-Pound Mast From a Warship Built a Record-Breaking 261 Years Ago? With a Really, Really Big Crane
–– That was our first, only guess.
They Found Black Goo Inside a Ship. Then They Realized It Was Alive-and Unlike Anything They’d Ever Seen.
–– Then they remembered Venom was aboard.
Man caught on video throwing rock at Hawaiian monk seal
–– Pray this doesn't become habit.
Why birds are the only surviving dinosaurs
–– Others self-extincted to get away from them.
"Its nickname is the ‘undertaker bird’, thanks to its hunched posture and huge black wings that resemble an ominous cloak." 8 ugliest animals on the planet...
–– 8. Homely Pigeon, 7. Alligoiter, 6. Pig Flamingo, 5. Fugs Bunny, 4. Guinea Foul, 3. Grosshopper, 2. Blobwhite, 1. Stephen Miller.
German museum to return rare Irritator dinosaur skull to Brazil
–– After finding it too annoying.
A Man and His Dog Accidentally Discovered a 3,400-Year-Old Ax Head While Out for a Walk in One of England’s Ancient Forests
–– Wallace stepped on, amputating left foot while Grommet stared at with barely-concealed contempt.
Hiker stumbles on 6th century gold sword scabbard under fallen tree
–– Impales own twig and berries.
In a world without people, how fast would NYC fall apart? Here’s the timeline.
–– This week in ‘questions no one ever asks.’
When a mountain collapsed in Mexico, light fell upon an underground lake. What happened next was remarkable
–– Because first part happens every day.
NASA’s Lithium-Fed Nuclear Thruster Flares to Life in First of Its Kind Test
–– But is impossible to expose of safely.
‘The greatest ambassador for life on Earth’: Tributes paid to David Attenborough on his 100th birthday
–– Recycled from 99th.
Actor Park Dong-Bin Found Dead at Age 56 Inside Restaurant He Was Preparing to Open: Reports
–– We suggest you avoid chef’s special.
Georg Baselitz, the German painter who turned postwar art upside down, dies at 88
–– To be buried head first.
CNN founder Ted Turner, a pioneer of cable TV news, dies at 87
–– Turner over in his grave.
