Shell Shock
Week of 05/01/26
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Justice Department indicts former FBI Director James Comey for a second time
–– Approx. 10x dumber than first.
First came the shooting. Then, the conspiracy theories.
–– Which also preceded, ran concurrent to.
The slippery slope of indicting James Comey for ‘86 47’
–– Or 'stupid-f**kin’ shit-s**w of’?
House Republican on Comey indictment ‘There’s something called dangerous speak’
–– And ‘idiot blather.’
Trump Gets Defensive in ’60 Minutes’ Interview After Norah O’Donnell Reads From Suspect’s Manifesto, Calls Her a “Disgrace”
–– Was it ‘pedophile’, ‘rapist’ or ‘traitor’ that rang bell?
Gingrich: ‘Disgusting and inhumane’ for O’Donnell to read WHCA shooting suspect’s manifesto
–– No way to treat dog.
Trump, 79, Explains Fall While Fleeing WHCD Shooting Scene
–– Lied down.
Eyewitness Tells CNN WHCD Shooter Was Not Tackled by Agents as Described by Trump Admin — He Just Fell
–– They weren’t paying him to get shot, fer cryin’ out loud.
’I don’t expect forgiveness’: Authorities review writings of California teacher suspected of shooting
–– Not after earning F for effort.
Suspected gunman at White House Correspondents’ Dinner may have been targeting Trump officials, attorney general says
–– Or really upset about his mini-bar tab.
America’s best and worst were on display at the White House correspondents’ dinner
–– Trump, Vance, cabinet worst. What was best?
Suspect in White House Correspondents’ Dinner shooting expected to appear in court
–– We condemn political violence, but look of fear on Trumpite faces kinda priceless.
Iran war has cost the U.S. $25 billion so far, Pentagon official says
–– But who’s counting… accurately.
Hegseth says $400M in Ukraine support released after McConnell’s angry op-ed
–– Foreign policy by fit, not fiat.
–– Easy to be tough when you're push-button warrior.
Iran’s New Leader Pledges to Guard Nuclear and Missile Tech
–– Tehran Trump a new one.
U.S. aircraft carrier to leave Mideast, reducing military might amid Iran war
–– Sailors ran out of board games, DVDs.
Federal Reserve holds interest rates steady as divisions emerge, Powell announces he'll stay on as governor
–– We hope it’s just to piss off Trump.
Supreme Court limits key provision of the landmark Voting Rights Act
–– Jim crows.
How the intensely private Melania Trump faced a ‘traumatic experience’ on the public stage
–– Be Bust.
Melania Trump Urges ABC to ‘Take a Stand’ Against ‘Coward’ Jimmy Kimmel: ‘His Hateful and Violent Rhetoric Is Intended to Divide Our Country’
–– ‘And det is not me in pic-a-tures with Jeff-e-rey Epstein.’
Jeffrey Epstein’s Possible Suicide Note Hidden from Public View
–– We’re starting to get the feeling they’re not being entirely… um, uh, straightforward with us.
Jimmy Kimmel Stunned by Trump’s Own Joke About His Death: “You Should Be Fired for That”
–– For criminally lifting hopes?
How Washington’s biggest annual dinner transformed into chaos — and a crime scene
–– They invited Trump.
Pressure Builds to Oust Wiles After Trump Dinner Shooting
–– She is undergoing cancer treatment so timing’s perfect for Trump.
‘It’s Insane’: Fox News Host Brian Kilmeade Rips Suggestion Trump Assassination Attempt Was ‘Staged’ So His ‘Approval Ratings Can Go Up’
–– Kilmeade was then escorted off set by two men in white coats.
After third assassination attempt, debate grows over whether Trump attack warrants another investigation
–– Even Fox News is like, ‘Next.’
White House Correspondents’ Association Chief Says Hilton Donated Around 2,600 Unserved Dinners From Saturday’s Event
–– So maybe it was DC homeless who staged shooting!
Man who kept eating salad during WHCA dinner shooting says he ‘wasn’t scared’
–– Except that his meal might be donated to needy.
Jon Stewart Suggests RFK Jr. ‘Abandoning’ Cheryl Hines During WHCD Evacuation Is a Kennedy Family Tradition
–– Like she hadn’t been vaxxed for cooties.
Fact Check: Photo shows Pete Hegseth smiling after shooting at White House correspondents' dinner
–– If ‘smiling’ is synonym for 'laughing stupidly'.
Fact Check: Inspecting claim photo shows Stephen Miller using pregnant wife as 'human shield' at White House correspondents' dinner
–– First check if she’s human.
Kash Patel’s girlfriend lashes out at ‘sick’ report suggesting she was holding another person’s hand after shots rang out at correspondent’ dinner
–– Wilkins, ‘Yeah, bitches, does a man’s ‘hand’ have only one, big thumb?’
Bongino says he planted fake details to catch ‘snakes’ in FBI
–– And fake snakes in ladies’ room to catch glimpses of panties.
Don Jr. Blames Dad as He Postpones Wedding to Latest Fiancée
–– Will need penis pump to perform droit de seigneur.
“If They’re Willing to Die, Imagine Them in Power”: Elon Musk’s Explosive Warning After White House Shooting
–– Prefer your boys who love to kill?
Trump pulls Casey Means' nomination as surgeon general, naming Nicole Saphier as replacement
–– Means nothing.
Is the U.S. in a Politically Violent Age? What the Data and History Say
–– We ask, is it violent enough?
Sergey Brin Moves to the Right, With a ‘MAGA Girlfriend’ by His Side
–– With that name we were sure guy worth $250m was communist.
Public rejects Trump’s ballroom by wide margin
––
DeSantis floats Florida map that could give GOP up to four more House seats
–– Each with Trump’s face on cushion.
DeSantis and Florida Republicans push to flip four US House seats in what Democrats call a ‘dummymander’
–– C’mon guys, ‘jerkymander.’
The secret lives of cartel wives: The women behind Latin America’s narco-empires
–– Female empowerment journalism at most inspiring.
The U.S. Started the War. The Rest of the World Is Feeling the Effects.
–– Who notices $4.30 at pump?
UAE to leave OPEC amid Hormuz oil crisis, a blow to Saudi Arabia
–– OPEC misery single bright spot of war.
Hung Cao said the military should be filled with ‘alpha males and alpha females.’ Now he’s Trump’s acting Navy secretary
–– And Omaga moron.
David Ellison Held Dinner Party “Honoring” Trump Where President Gave Hour-Long Remarks
–– Ass-kissers deserved another hour or two.
Kennedy Center Works to Make the Case That Repairs Are Urgent
–– Board clearly broken.
The Latest Place Trump’s Face Will Appear: Some U.S. Passports
–– Providing toilet paper in iffy far-flung johns.
Trump’s idea to ‘just buy’ bankrupt Spirit Airlines draws GOP backlash
–– Won’t take a flyer?
Amazon Discusses ‘Apprentice’ Reboot—With Don Jr. as a Potential Host
–– You’re fried.
Kris Jenner hits spa after reports she’s ‘mad as hell’ about $100K facelift
–– This week in ‘highly relatable’.
Box Office Stunner: ‘Michael’ Rocketing to Other-Worldly $95M-$100M U.S. Debut, $200M Globally
–– Foul-quadrant hit.
‘Michael’ Director, Producer Reportedly Paid Millions More After Reshoots Cut Abuse Allegations
–– With generous contributions from Jared Fogle Fund.
Antoine Fuqua Calls Cutting Scenes from “Michael ”'Exact Same Situation' as Making Will Smith's “Emancipation” Before Oscars Slap
–– His main character pedophile, too?
Matthew Lillard Says Nostalgia Is ‘One of the Reasons’ Hollywood Is ‘Hiring Me Again’: ‘I Don’t Think Anyone Really Likes Me. They Just Miss the Old Times’
–– C’mon, you pleaded with Tarantino to diss you to get sympathy hires.
Meryl Streep Rejected 'Devil Wears Prada' at First So She Could Double Her Salary: 'They Needed Me. I Was Ready to Retire'
–– Her best performance since at least Sophie’s Choice.
Lisa Kudrow Says the ‘Friends’ Writers Were ‘Mostly Men’ Who Stayed ‘Up Late Discussing Their Sexual Fantasies’ About Her Female Co-Stars
–– Upset they weren’t about her?
Are Movies Really Getting Darker? Let’s Shine Some Light on the Issue.
–– We would say dimmer.
Stephen Colbert Gets Ready to Hang It Up
–– CBS ready to hang him up.
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Pay Tribute to Robin Williams as “the Person That Made the Most Meaningful Impact on Our Professional Lives”
–– Why they’re both known as such laugh riots.
A Humble ‘Jeopardy!’ Champ Ends His Run
–– We had a winner –– din ding ding Ding!
‘You are the machine that kills hate’: Woody Guthrie’s protest anthems strike a chord with a new generation
–– Would need guitar orchestra these days.
King Charles reaffirms U.K.-U.S. 'special relationship' in a rare address to Congress
–– Camilla brayed in agreement.
King Charles and Queen Camilla Attend Massive Garden Party on First Day of U.S. State Visit
–– With them in pots.
Charles, Camilla and the Trumps put on a well-styled display of unity
–– Like waxworks in hell.
King Charles Was Almost 'Married Off' to This President's Daughter During His 1st US Visit in 1970
–– Tiffany Trump kept asking to feel Camilla’s pulse.
Former Royal Butler Reveals Why President Trump "Might Have Been a Bit Disappointed" About Queen Camilla’s State Banquet Jewels
–– Proximity to face they hung beneath.
King teases Trump at state dinner: ‘You’d be speaking French if it wasn’t for us’
–– Instead of Gibberish?
Miró helped shape modern art. The U.S. helped shape Miró.
–– Who shaped that headline?
’Sparks Flew’ When Two Crushes Reunited After Three Decades
–– Chunks flew when we had to read about in NY Times.
Do You Have to Make Pour-Over Coffee for Your Spouse?
–– What, his head?
Longevity Science Is Overhyped. But This Research Really Could Change Humanity.
–– Dig our hype.
Oakland’s Airport Can Use ‘San Francisco’ in Its Name Under Settlement
–– But can’t ever say ‘Frisco’ again.
In the Foothills of Mount Fuji, the Fight Is On Against Unruly Tourists
–– Tokyo sending in sumos.
The viral Ninja Slushi just hit a record-low price in time to make frozen drinks
–– Virus gives you dojorrhea.
Is Red Lobster’s revamped ‘Endless Shrimp’ deal worth it? Our food critic tried it.
–– Promises to get back to us after release from hospital.
‘Dances With Wolves’ actor Nathan Chasing Horse sentenced to life in prison for sexual assault
–– How’s the horse?
Scientists Dropped Gophers Into the Ruins of Mount St. Helens—Then Something Amazing Happened
–– PETA had them arrested?
So, you got bit by a tick. Here’s exactly what to do next.
–– Remove effected limb.
–– Reads 'Rub my tummy.'
Supreme Court to Hear Arguments in Landmark Roundup Weedkiller Case
–– Roundup: the usual suspects?
Utah paves way for ‘Shark Tank’ star’s massive energy, data center development
–– Only build if O’Leary moves next door.
More than 60 percent of U.S. is covered by drought as impacts worsen
–– Rest just culturally arid.
Gerry Conway, Marvel Comics Writer Who Created Punisher, Ms. Marvel and More, Dies at 73
–– Dim Conway.
David Allan Coe, Controversial Country Star Who Sang ‘The Ride’ and ‘You Never Even Called Me by My Name,’ Dies at 86
–– Stop and Coe.
