Gun Muzzled
Week of 09/12/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump vows to punish critics after slaying of Charlie Kirk
–– Let the shit-heeling begin.
U.K. dismisses ambassador to U.S. over links to Jeffrey Epstein
–– As might happen in functioning democracy.
People In The US Are Sharing How They Feel About Trump Saying, "I Have The Right To Do Anything I Want To Do. I'm The President Of The United States"
–– Hear that retching?
–– Trump at permanent half-staff for survivors of sexual assault.
Conservative activist Charlie Kirk assassinated at Utah university
–– 1st Amendment meet 2nd Amendment.
FBI Director Patel says Charlie Kirk shooting suspect is in custody
–– FBI always gets its…
Subject in custody for Charlie Kirk shooting was released, FBI says
–– …man, eventually.
‘It’s unacceptable’: Inside growing concerns about Patel’s FBI leadership
–– Fewer Patel pushers?
Kirk’s Killing Tests Utah Governor’s Plea for Americans to ‘Disagree Better’
–– Went off half-Coxed.
MSNBC Fires Matthew Dowd After Charlie Kirk Assassination Comments
–– Hate on hating hate speech.
Matthew Dowd Speaks Out After MSNBC Fired Him for Charlie Kirk Comments: Network ‘Reacted’ to the ‘Right Wing Media Mob’
–– In latest slang for ‘caved.’
Stephen King Repeatedly Apologizes for “Horrible” Charlie Kirk Tweet
–– Is master of horror.
Dave Portnoy said Donald Trump played a ‘huge part’ in Charlie Kirk’s death and MAGA is raging
–– Murder of proxy.
TMZ Issues Mea Culpa After Laughter Is Heard on Air During Coverage of Charlie Kirk’s Killing
–– Paragon of decency didn't want to appear insensitive.
Trump says he will award Kirk the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
–– Award he’s already rendered Booby Prize.
Charlie Kirk’s wife Erika speaks out after Tyler Robinson is ID'd as shooting suspect: ‘You have no idea what you just unleashed'
–– Who the hell is ‘you?’
Why Charlie Kirk Had No Counterpart on the Left
–– Regard for law?
Judge cuts off opening statement of man defending himself in court over Trump assassination attempt
–– Is Trump-loving Aileen Cannon only judge in South Florida?!
House Democrats release lewd birthday message Trump allegedly sent to Jeffrey Epstein
–– Legible not alleged.
Trump says ‘not my signature' about alleged Epstein book letter
–– He muffed it.
Mary Trump: “Definitely” president’s signature on alleged Epstein letter
–– Where pussy would sign.
Trump's signature, a symbol of presidential power, is under new scrutiny thanks to the Epstein case
–– Insists Biden, Democrats used autopen on it in 2003.
“I can tell you my father does not sketch out cartoon drawings,” he told Newsmax.
–– He clearly produces cartoons, Eric.
Trump calls Epstein letter a ‘dead issue’ after ‘birthday book’ is released
–– Deader than your credibility?
Photo of novelty check suggests Epstein ‘sold’ Trump a woman for $22,500
–– Another case of libtards making big deal out of slavery.
Ghislaine Maxwell Lawyer Makes Stunning Quid Pro Quo Confession
–– In latest slang for ‘predictable.’
‘Do they really think the American people are that stupid?’ Panel slams Trump on Epstein files
–– Or ‘do they realize just how unbelievably stupid they are?’
‘What the Hell?’ House Speaker Confuses White House With Claim Trump Was an FBI Snitch
–– Deputized to ‘interrogate’ young girls until they sang.
DOJ Asks Judge to Keep Name of Two Epstein Associates Secret
–– Assistant manhandlers.
Double whammy for Americans: Inflation continues to rise as jobs outlook grows weaker
–– Courtesy of President Evil-Eye Fleegle.
Swatch sells watch lampooning Trump's 39% tariffs on Switzerland
–– Displays levyty.
Appeals Court Upholds Carroll’s $83 Million Judgment Against Trump
–– Reportedly over the immune.
Zuckerberg caught on hot mic telling Trump 'I wasn't sure' how much to promise to spend on AI in the US
–– Had variety of numbers up ass.
Trump Says He Will Send National Guard to Memphis
–– Plan to occupy Graceland.
Donald Trump Threatens ‘WAR’ on Chicago in Wild AI Post
–– He loves the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like Melania’s perfume.
Trump offered to let S. Korean detainees stay, train U.S. workers, Seoul says
–– Then shoot selves.
Judge blocks Trump effort to fire Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook
–– Had his Cook goosed?
Senate Panel Backs Miran Fed Pick as GOP Moves for Fast Approval
–– Fux in the henhouse.
BLS revises jobs numbers down by 911,000 in annual revision
–– Trump threatens to fire all state employment office statisticians.
Wholesale inflation cooled in August as businesses absorb tariff costs — for now
–– Unbelievably good news. Totally unbelievable.
Trump Administration Halts I.R.S. Crackdown on Major Tax Shelters
–– There was a crooked man who talked a crooked mile.
Eric Trump booted from cryptocurrency board after company talks with stock regulators
–– And calculator confiscated.
Farmer says ‘we’re in a very dire situation’ ahead of harvest—with zero soybean orders from China, historically the largest buyer
–– Tofu luck.
Americans react to Trump's redesign of the Rose Garden: Rose Garden or Country Club?
–– Or outdoor seating at suburban Chili’s?
Donald Trump Rebrands the White House Rose Garden Patio, and Its Controversial New Name Has a Very Mar-a-Lago Twist
–– As does bribe jar at entrance.
Newsom Christens Trump’s Rose Garden With Brutal New Nickname
–– Predator Patio. Not TACO Terrace? Pirate Porch? Dick Deck?
Vance Reveals Trump, 79, Has Dangerous Sleeping Patterns
–– He wakes up.
Bill O’Reilly Says Trump Has ‘Stalled’ on 3 Major Issues, and It Shows: ‘He’s Paying a Price … He’s Tired’
–– Sitting dead would know.
Kennedy, Rejecting Data, Fuels Distrust of His Own Agencies
–– Worm in head acts as natural fact vaccine.
RFK Jr. makes controversial comments on school shootings: 'We had gun clubs at school'
–– And he spent lots of time at shooting galleries.
Ex-CDC Vaccine Chief Scorches 'Bigoted Bully' Rand Paul For Saying ‘Lifestyle’ Disqualified Him From Job
–– Showing little restraint.
GOP senator rails on Trump’s DHS over slow pace of hurricane relief and vows to stall nominees
–– Noem mas?
9/11 remembered at Pentagon and Ground Zero
–– Barely anywhere else in amnesiac nation.
Never Married Fox News Star, 62, Scolds Young People for Not Prioritizing Marriage
–– Doesn't brag how she mercifully spared potential husband, child.
Iran-Contra Figures Marry in ‘Secret’ Wedding 40 Years After Scandal
–– Paper shredder most popular gift for North & Hall.
In new book, Kamala Harris says it was reckless to let Biden make reelection decision on his own
–– Even though he was right about her.
Trump stands by as Putin and Netanyahu cross new lines
–– And behind. And below.
Poland rebuffs Trump, saying Russian drone incident wasn’t a mistake
–– He can't resist giving Putin benefit of the dolt.
'Here we go': Trump reacts after Russian drones shot down over Poland
–– Trump’s lamest Jackie Gleason impersonation.
The Political Signals Russia Sends With Each Huge Barrage on Ukraine
–– 'Putin Was Right About Everything' caps, tees.
Boat Suspected of Smuggling Drugs Is Said to Have Turned Before U.S. Attacked It
–– Shooting enemies in back Trump's preferred method.
Even a GOP Senator Thinks JD Vance’s War Crimes Comment Is Disgusting
–– Vance thinks Geneva Convention is welcome center in upsate New York.
At Least 12 Are Killed in Nepal in Protests Over Social Media Ban
–– Trying to free the Nepal.
Majority in Brazil’s Supreme Court votes to convict Bolsonaro for attempted coup
–– In a galaxy far, far away.
Carlo Acutis, nicknamed ‘God’s influencer’ becomes the first ‘millennial’ saint
–– Indulgences paid in bitcoin?
Larry Ellison surpasses Elon Musk as world’s richest person
–– Lags slightly as biggest a-hole.
Oracle’s sudden AI stardom is giving 1999 energy
–– You remember, the good ol’ days.
West Point alumni group cancels award ceremony for Tom Hanks
–– Banned of brothers.
How Did Jillian Michaels End Up Here
–– So we have to even think about fitness fascist.
Nate Bargatze Is Not Ditching His Signature Style for Emmys Host Debut: ‘I Want to Feel Different’
–– Funny?
Kate McKinnon reveals she was diagnosed with geographic tongue
–– Why impressions are all over the place?
“Breaking Bad” star Raymond Cruz arrested after allegedly hosing woman, agent blasts 'outrageous' accusation
–– In sexual sense? Canadian sense? An actual hose?
Charlie Sheen Claims Mira Sorvino Offered to Sleep With Him If He Turned Himself In After Violating Probation
–– Was she mainlining coke, too?
Julia Roberts Reveals the 7 People She Would Invite to a Night Out, Starting with Her Husband and Jesus
–– For threesome? Or fivesome with Father, Son, Holy Ghost?
America Ferrera Reflects on the 'Ugly Betty' Costume She Hated to Wear the Most: 'Look at How Sad I Am'
–– Aw, making believe soo hard.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mini-Me Son Joseph Baena, Excluded From His Half-Brother Patrick's Wedding Guest List
–– Hope it’s not because he’s 2’8”.
Jerry Seinfeld says Free Palestine movement is lower than the KKK: 'The Klan is actually a little better'
–– Damning with taint praise.
Naked Dressing Hits New Peak as Margot Robbie Bares Her Butt and Dakota Johnson Strips Down
–– After close research we can confirm.
Naomi Watts Frees the Nipple in a Lace Halter Top With a Ruffle Renaissance Collar
–– Like hardened inmate.
Apple Martin Has Officially Codified the Nepo-Girl Uniform
–– Frees tweaked nepos.
Royal Butler Shares Queen Elizabeth's Hilarious Response When Prince Philip Complained She Had "So Many" Corgis
–– 'Eat s**t, gnat nuts.'
Trump’s Attendance At U.S. Open Men’s Final On Sunday Takes Center Court As Organizers Demand Broadcasters Not Air Boos & Protests
–– Love nil.
President Trump's Reaction To Carlos Alcaraz Winning U.S. Open Goes Viral
–– Tried to redub him Alligator Alcaraz.
Phillies fan reveals why he gave home run baseball to viral woman who demanded it from his son: ‘So adamant and loud’
–– Like phanatic?
Defiant Phillies fan flips off crowd after taking ball from young boy, father
–– Isn’t that ‘typical’ Phillies fan?
Erin Andrews Claps Back at Critics of Fox NFL Broadcast: ‘You Try to Do This’
–– True, she is better than drunken, pot-bellied grandpa.
Aaron Rodgers’ takedown of Jets is one of the sweetest victories of his Hall of Fame career
–– Shot in arm he's not against.
Trump marvels at Aaron Judge's forearms, says Yankees game was like 'old times'
–– ‘In slave market.’
MAGA Soccer Star Explains Why He Told Donald Trump: 'Let's Not F**k It Up'
–– Personal grooming?
Apparently We've All Been Eating Croissants Wrong This Whole Time
–– Well, you pick up with toes.
Should you drink whole or low-fat milk? The answer might surprise you.
–– Might make you spit out 2%.
McDonald's fans disgusted by what customer thinks is 'parasite' found in Filet-O-Fish
–– Chain insists it drowned in tartar sauce.
This Addition Makes McDonald's Filet-O-Fish Taste Like A British Pub Staple
–– Add Scotch egg, throw away bun, fish, cheese, sauce.
This State Is Filled With The Most Fast Food Chains In The U.S.
–– Hint.
Why vegan burgers are losing the US culture war over meat: ‘Not our moment’
–– Only because it exists on timeline of humans with taste buds.
Ben & Jerry to Unilever: This is not the Ben & Jerry’s that we founded
–– Old hippies can't believe $154bil conglomerate doesn't share lefty vibe.
Friend of Michael Brown who helped spark ‘hands up, don’t shoot’ chant dies after being shot in Ferguson
–– BLMish on city’s reputation.
Police arrested a 13-year-old in Washington state who had ‘everything ready to go’ for a mass shooting
–– 23 firearms and suspiciously large backpack.
Oklahoma man tried to hire hitman to kill homebuyers who sued him over bat infestation discovered after home sale: cops
–– Bats turned out to be vampire tenants who ripped out his, hit man's throats.
Police shoot dead fugitive father and find his three children missing for years in wilderness
–– Firing on corpse does sound like excessive force.
There's a mysterious animal in the tropical forests of Panama that waves at predators – in a very scary way
–– Glove attached to ding-dong.
Creature not seen in nearly 200 years discovered in Ohio: 'You don't see very many of them'
–– That follows.
Insect populations drop even without direct human interference, a new study finds
–– Real butter fingers.
This Deep-Sea Fish Has Teeth on Its Forehead—and It Uses Them for Sex
–– Known for one-night stands.
28 dinosaur eggs unearthed in China. Here's why scientists just fired a laser at them
–– They’ve seen too many Jurassic Park movies.
The Best-Preserved Viking Ship in the World Just Survived Its Treacherous Final Journey
–– Certainly took them long enough.
A Scientist Says Aliens May Have Started Life on Earth
–– Another says some scientists watch too many sci-fi movies.
Scientists Say the Fourth Dimension Could Be Hiding Right in Front of You
–– Right under that doobie.
Weird Balls Are Popping Up Along Shorelines. They Might the Saving the Ocean.
–– But weird guys should still put swimming trunks back on.
Scientists Believe They’ve Found a Groundbreaking New Energy Source-And It’s Virtually Unlimited
–– Taco Bell rest rooms.
Can filtering seawater provide for a thirsty world?
–– Not even in cartoons.
’China Is the Engine’ Driving Nations Away From Fossil Fuels, Report Says
–– Does world really want ride on tail of that dragon?
US energy chief tells BBC nuclear fusion will soon power the world
–– Eh? Aiie!
Davey Johnson, 1986 Mets manager and 4-time All-Star, passes at 82
— Lived long enough to not see team win another World Series. 39 years (and counting.)
