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Week of 03/09/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

White House puts an asterisk on Trump, Kim Jong Un meeting
–– Ass to risk.

Candidate breastfeeds in campaign ad
–– Appeals to boobs.

‘Nobel Prize for Trump!’: Newsroom readers cheer Kim Jong Un news
–– Yeah, there's institution he hasn't yet cheapened.

Jared Kushner is quietly tackling Washington's swamp
–– By submerging self in it, arms outstretched.

Scaramucci apologizes to Maddow for 'lighthearted' suppository joke
–– Told to ‘stick it.’

'Pharma bro' Martin Shkreli sentenced to 7 years in prison — says, 'This is my fault'
–– Buys the pharma.

Miss Universe in Moscow: How Trump's beauty contest spawned a business deal with Russians and a bond with Putin
–– And a run on penicillin.

Trump Eliminated Miss Universe Finalists Who Were ‘Too Ethnic’ or ‘Snubbed His Advances,’ Pageant Staff Claim
–– Or 'Didn't Resemble Ivanka.'

Charlize Theron actually urinated herself when she met David Oyelowo
–– O yellow woe.

“A Shakespearean Tragedy”: Lloyd Blankfein Runs Over Gary Cohn’s Dreams, Backs Up, and Runs Over Them Again
–– The Merchant of Menace.

Lara Trump Says Media Is 'Out to Get the President and Our Entire Family at Every Turn'
–– That's a relief.

Ivanka Trump Complained Jared Kushner Was Being Embarrassed By John Kelly: Report
–– Being in presence of most adult males embarrasses Jared.

State Department warns spring breakers of Mexico threat
–– Montezuma’s revenge?

Amazon lays off hundreds of employees
–– Bezos hard at work on second 100 bil.

Watching 'A Wrinkle in Time' is a political act
–– Like getting arrested, beaten over head.

Michael Cohen says he used his own home equity line for Stormy Daniels payment
–– Took out loan on whore house.

‘Booth babes' are vanishing from auto shows
–– 'Backseat bimbos' on rise.

A sheriff's deputy had his ex-wife arrested because he didn't like what she wrote about him on Facebook
–– On Ms.-the-meaner charges.

Val Chmerkovskiy On Why He'll Never Change His Name
–– Easier to forget than his face.

Putin praises Trump, says US political system eating itself
–– He can go eat himself.

CNN calls out Ted Cruz for mocking Dem rival's use of nickname: 'Your name is Rafael'
–– A sure Beto.

Jeff Sessions Called 'Bully' Over DOJ Decision To Sue California Over Sanctuary Policies
–– A widdle widdle bully.

Church surprises pizza delivery woman struggling to make ends meet with shocking tip
–– Pastor whispers: ’Jesus loves you.’

‘Hit him': Texas judge used electric shocks to punish sex offender
–– Re-volting.

Report: Mueller Has Evidence Seychelles Meeting Was to Set Up Russian Back-Channel
–– Sadly sold Seychelles down by the seashore.

Heated floors and pillow-top mattresses... in prison
–– Shivs with cushioned handles, flowers after gang bangs.

Derrius Guice Said Team Asked If He Liked Men at NFL Combine
–– And how he felt about farm equipment.

Trump upset with Sanders over Stormy Daniels response
–– Because it exceeded WH limits on accuracy.

Former Trump Attorney Stuns 'Fox & Friends,' Says Stormy Daniels NDA Is Likely Invalid
–– NDA jam.

Trump Administration Sues California Over Immigration Laws

Jeff Sessions Scolds California in Immigration Speech: ‘We Have a Problem’
–– That's the royal 'we'.

Alleged Thief of Frances McDormand's Oscar Pleads Not Guilty
–– Cites stauette of limitations.

John Williams Ready to Quit Scoring 'Star Wars' Films
–– Was last reason to attend.

A Blockbuster 'New Yorker' Story Sheds Light on Christopher Steele, and, Yes, the 'Pee Tape'
–– More yellow journalism.

Pepe The Frog’s creator sues Infowars for copyright infringement
–– Is hopping mad.

Advertisers flee InfoWars founder Alex Jones' YouTube channel
–– Pepe offers to do PSA on “turning the freaking frogs gay.”

Tim Allen 'Interested' in 'Home Improvement' Revival, But 'I Still Miss Last Man Standing'
–– ‘He was a fox.’

Tim Allen on Trump: ‘Let him land the plane, at least’
–– On your house.

Flynn forced to sell his house to pay his legal bills
–– Flypps property.

Kushner to visit Mexico after Trump tirades, testy phone call
–– A little early for Spring Break?

Mel B Claims Ex-Husband Stephen Belafonte Exposed 3 Daughters to 'ISIS Beheading' Videos
–– Demonstrating punishment for not cleaning room.

Fmr. GOP Rep: "The President's most authentic moments are when he is lying"
–– To thine own self be untrue.

‘All criminal roads led to Trump Tower’: Christopher Steele noticed Trump-Russia corruption long before dossier
–– Why not just convert into high-rise prison?

Democrats: 'Unsanitary' Politicians Sleeping in Their Offices Abuse Taxpayer Funds, Including Paul Ryan
–– Showering at water fountains, defecating in rotunda bigger problems.

Philippines’ Duterte says 'not in a million years' does ICC have right to try him
–– In ten minutes they do.

Larry Nassar's first male accuser comes forward: 'I hope he rots in hell'
–– "And may Mengele be his examining pysician.'

George W. Bush Reportedly Sounds Off On Trump: 'Sorta Makes Me Look Pretty Good'
–– Sorta like lung cancer makes melanoma look good.

Russia Investigation Romance: Key witness George Papadopoulos marries Italian lawyer
–– Who obviously can’t understand English.

President Trump’s Exaggerated and Misleading Claims on Trade
–– Or 'President Trump’s Claims on Trade.'

Turn Prisons Into Colleges
–– Opposite already in effect.

’Man of mystery' cooperates with Mueller in Russia probe
–– Yeah, baby!! Yeah!!

Peyton Manning Sells Stake in Papa John's Locations, Remains Spokesperson
–– Rejects piece of the pie.

France to set age of sexual consent at 15 after rape outcry
–– Roman Polanski: ‘Merde!’

Stormy Daniels sues Trump over alleged affair and 'hush' agreement
–– Should’ve known she couldn’t keep mouth shut.

10 Hairstyles That Never Age
–– And wrinkled faces beneath them.

Space travel altered Kelly's chromosomes
–– Wrangling Trump did same for other Kelly.

Florida teacher hosted white supremacist podcast
–– Alt Things Considered.

How an affair with her bodyguard brought down Nashville's mayor
–– Mayor culpa.

Trump complicit with Scaramucci attacks on Kelly
–– Providing sock full of quarters.

Coke is launching an alcoholic drink in Japan
–– Sake to me!

Big Aluminum says the aluminum tariff won't work
–– Not siding with White House.

McDonald’s is putting fresh beef in the Quarter Pounder
–– Instead of usual wormy rat meat.

Flippy, the robot hamburger chef, goes to work
–– Rolly, Cheesy, Catsuppy, the Pickler apply for positions.

Sergei Skripal: UK counter-terror police helping investigation into suspected poisoning of former Russian spy
–– S'crippled.

Boris Johnson threatens fresh Russia sanctions if Kremlin is responsible for Sergei Skripal 'poisoning'
–– Ordered by 'Putin.'

Europe Once Saw Xi Jinping as a Hedge Against Trump. Not Anymore.
–– Hedge hog.

Office of Special Counsel: Conway violated Hatch Act
–– With booby hatch acts.

New report suggests Trump personally coordinated $130,000 payment to adult film star
–– Slipped it to her.

Ben Carson, Retired Brain Surgeon, Has Lobotomized HUD
–– Lights on, nobody home.

Paul Ryan Rediscovers Own Spine for Long Enough to Criticize Donald Trump’s Stupid Tariffs
–– While trying to pat self on back.

Chris Christie Slams 'Some Of The Really Awful People Inside The White House'
–– Wishes he was one of them.

What Do Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner Do All Day? John Kelly Sick of Their ‘Freelancing,’ Report Claims

Man dies at party after allegedly being shot in chest by friend while wearing bulletproof vest
–– In unfortunate edition of Stupid Party Tricks.

Tiangong-1: China's Out-of-Control Space Station Will Crash Into Earth in Just Weeks, Likely to Hit Northern U.S. States
–– Get out your baseball mitts.

Report: Presidential seal replicas ordered for use at Trump golf courses may violate federal law
–– Ethicists teed off.

CNN’s Erin Burnett To Sam Nunberg: I Smell Alcohol On Your Breath
–– Not Trump Vodka.

Carter Page Hits Back at Sam Nunberg Collusion Claim: Some People Have Been Intoxicated 'A Year and a Half Now'
–– Added: ‘Urp!’

Sam Nunberg Says Trump is an 'Idiot' and 'Carter Page Was Colluding With the Russians' As He Goes Off the Rails on Live TV
–– Not in those two statements.

Sam Nunberg Meltdown: Former Trump Aide Calls Sarah Huckabee Sanders an 'Unattractive Fat Slob'
–– Show some class and call her 'lying sack of shit.'

Sam Nunberg Apologizes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders for ‘Fat Slob’ Remark
–– Took guts.

Sam Nunberg Warns Trump: ‘I Could Make His Life Terrible If I Wanted To’
––– He beat you to it.

Nunberg caps off strange week with appearance before Mueller grand jury
–– No evidence he knew where he was.

Lego’s sales drop for the first time in 13 years
–– Chips off the old block.

Trump says there isn't chaos in the White House, 'only great energy'
–– ‘Like from an earthquake that swallows cities.’

Former Trump aide refusing Mueller subpoena: 'Screw that'
–– To America: ‘And you.’

Former Trump aide Sam Nunberg on Mueller probe: 'I think they may' have something on Trump
–– They being Special Counsel team or little green men.

Oscars: Why Jodie Foster Was on Crutches
–– Metaphor for career.

Oscars: Adam West, Glen Campbell Left Out of In Memoriam Tribute
–– Not far enough.

Oscars Snubs: 'Lady Bird,' 'Mudbound,' 'The Post' Shut Out
–– Nominee grits.

What Is an Inclusion Rider? Frances McDormand's Oscars Speech Explained
–– Why known a rider?

TV Ratings: Oscars on Pace for New Low in Early Numbers
–– Ebbing and not just Missouri.

Report: Trump Calls Gary Cohn a ‘Globalist’ in Oval Office Trade Meeting
–– Apparently referring to bald head.

Alec Baldwin mocks Trump with Hope Hicks dig: 'She's like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot.'
–– Sounds like he's coming into his own.

Jailed Russian 'sex coaches' offer to trade election info for US asylum
–– Stream of consciousness?

Thugs, Leeches, Shouting and Shoving at Trump Hotel in Panama
–– Or Happy Hour.

Trump Name Removed From Panama Hotel As Majority Owner Plays Anti-Fascist Song to Celebrate
–– Panama hates.

Manchin: 'I really believe' Trump would sign my background checks bill
–– Also believes himself Democrat.

Army mishandled bomb-sniffing dogs' adoptions, Pentagon watchdog says
–– Watchdog sniffing butts.

Trump tries self-deprecating humor at Gridiron dinner
–– Admits he's pig's kin.

Trump’s Yanked Support for Hudson Tunnel Angers Those Who Saw a Done Deal
–– Demonstrates tunnel vision.

Man shot himself outside White House, Secret Service says
–– Not with iPhone.

A presidential milestone: Trump has spent 100 days in office at one of his golf clubs
–– 100 nights in bed with one of his golf clubs.

The great unraveling: Trump's allies are really worried about him
–– Was laced with hatred.

Trump on China's Xi consolidating power: 'Maybe we'll give that a shot some day'
–– 'If we can jail journalists and send opponents to work camps.'

Week of 03/02/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Hope Hicks to Leave Post as White House Communications Director
–– Prix nix chix Hix.

Why China banned the letter ‘N’
–– Chia pet.

Trump reportedly berated Hicks for admitting to ‘white lies’
–– ‘That’s the time for black lies!’

Trump’s 'Art of the Deal' Ghostwriter Says Hope Hicks Has ‘Bad Taste in Men,’ ‘Ended Up in Hell’
–– Then resigned from it.

“She Is Like a Security Blanket”: Hope Hicks, the Linus of the West Wing, Delivers a Devastating Blow to Trump
–– Like security blanket after Russian hookers got through with it.

China’s Censors Ban Winnie the Pooh and the Letter ‘N’ After Xi’s Power Grab
–– Will Roo the day.

Billy Graham laid to rest in casket handcrafted by Louisiana inmates
–– Has secret compartments for smokes, shiv.

Tucker Carlson Shreds Trump Over Gun Control: If ‘Obama Had Said That,’ We’d Be ‘Talking Impeachment’
–– ‘Right before lynching,’

Ben Carson Is Desperately Trying to Return $31,000 in Custom Dining Room Furniture
–– Even claymation Bob won’t refund him.

Woman Warns Pet Owners Against Popular Snack Food After Dog Suffocates
–– Choke-Bones.

Roy Moore issues grievance-laden plea for money: 'My resources have been depleted'
–– ‘Ah can’t even afford mah Teen Vogue subscription no more.’

Social media handed "one-hour rule" for terrorist takedowns in Europe
–– Must wait after eating.

Nucor CEO Ferriola Likes Trump Tariff Plans
–– Taps steel plate in head to signal support.

Ex-Trump adviser sold $31m in shares days before president announced steel tariffs
–– Icahn job.

Apple is under fire for moving iCloud data to China

Amandla Stenberg Reveals She Passed on Black Panther to Make Way for Darker Skinned Actors
–– Agent tries to explain color of money.

Eric Holder says he fell asleep during 'Black Panther'
–– ‘Like during Fast and Furious –– the gun-running scandal.’

Houston woman, whose skeletal remains were found in wall, slipped through attic floor
–– No cracks, please.

Foot discovered on Canadian island is 13th to wash ashore since 2007
–– Should pace themselves.

Melania Trump entered US with 'Einstein' visa designated for people with 'extraordinary ability'
–– And her parents through Theory of Relativity?

Ivanka and Melania Trump's Women's History Month tweets are not going over well
–– Wish they were history.

Donald Trump Attacks Alec Baldwin's 'Dying Mediocre Career,' But Calls Him 'Alex,' Misspells 'Dying'
–– Alec and alas.

Sen. Orrin Hatch calls Obamacare supporters 'stupidest, dumbass people'
–– From dumbest stupidass in Senate.

Defiant John Kelly continues to misrepresent his handling of Rob Porter scandal
–– Black eye for Lady Justice.

Scaramucci says he's on list of banned White House staffers
–– Mooch ado about nothing.

Storm whips Northeast with rain, floods; 900,000 customers lose power
–– Life of Riley.

Only 13 people used that Delta NRA discount
–– Big shots?

'Pretty much everyone on the plane threw up'
–– Passengers on plane during nor’easter or Air Force One to Mar-a-Lago?

French embassy attacked in Burkina Faso's capital
–– Ouagadougou!

White House plans to sell 210 anti-tank missiles to Ukraine
–– And 210 kill switches to Putin.

McDonald’s Szechuan sauce is impossible to get -- and its causing an uproar on the internet
–– Entire supply used to lure, poison roaches.

Schumer votes against Trump judicial nominee because he's white
–– Alt-white.

Former German death camp guard submits new clemency bid
–– Wants charges exterminated.

’Gun-grabber-in-chief’: Conservatives turn on Trump as threat to confiscate guns prompts Second Amendment-related outrage
–– Only in case of pussy holster.

Manchin: People in WV did not trust Obama on guns, they trust Trump
–– Which is why they’re still in WV.

Trump selling hat with slogan beloved by white supremacists
–– Brimming with hate.

Travis Kalanick joins medical tech startup's board of directors
–– Tuber.

Trump Calls Jeff Sessions 'Mr. Magoo' And Twitter Can't Get Over It
–– Criticism ‘short-sighted’.

Patriots Owner Robert Kraft 'Thrilled' Girlfriend Welcomed Baby 'Last Fall' but Denies Paternity
–– Pat response.

Mike Huckabee Says ‘Hate Wins,’ Publishes Resignation Letter to CMA Foundation
–– Hate was fan favorite in this contest.

When Jeff Sessions finally called Trump's bluff
–– Blind man’s bluff.

John Kelly jokes about job: God punished me
–– Just wait a few years until it’s Satan’s turn.

Putin debuts animation of Russia striking Florida with nuclear missiles
–– Crapped in Underpants: the First Epic Movie.

Satan 2: Putin Tells U.S. 'You Will Listen To Russia Now' as he Deploys Hypersonic Nuclear ICBM
–– Doing best Kim Jong-un impression.

US shrugs at Vladimir Putin's boast of nuclear-powered cruise missile with unlimited range
–– Americans shiver.

Red Sox Asking City of Boston to Change Name of Yawkey Way to Show Inclusion
–– To Yuckey.

Man Arrested for Trespassing at Sean Hannity's N.Y. Home
–– Gardener deported to Guatemala.

Barbra Streisand Had Her Beloved Dog Samantha Cloned: Meet Miss Scarlett and Miss Violet
–– Arf and arf.

Walmart and Dick’s Raise Minimum Age for Gun Buyers to 21
–– Which dicks?

Trump Stuns Lawmakers With Seeming Embrace of Gun Control
–– Just stroking his barrel.

John Cena Says WrestleMania Match Against Undertaker Can’t Happen
–– Rumors laid to rest.

A self-described sex expert says she will spill information on Trump and Russia to get out of a Thai jail
–– About spilled seed.

Mueller team asks about Trump's Russian business dealings as he weighed a run for president
–– Ruble rousers.

U.S. intel: Russia compromised seven states prior to 2016 election
–– Ballot Russe.

Sen. Kennedy: 'Idiot control,' not gun control, needed after Parkland
–– Beginning in his office.

Jared Kushner's Family Business Was Loaned Hundreds Of Millions of Dollars After White House Meetings With Top Executives
–– In world’s most expensive coincidence.

Kushner security clearance is downgraded
–– To receive briefings from Washington Examiner ed page.

SEC dropped inquiry a month after firm aided Kushner company
–– Wait a SEC…!

Trump has privately asked John Kelly to help him move Ivanka and Jared Kushner out of the White House
–– They refuse to acknowledge belongings have been placed at curb.

US cyber chief says Trump hasn't told him to confront Russian cyber threat
–– Did order they be unfriended on Facebook.

Jeffrey Tambor's Ex-Assistant and Accuser Breaks Silence: "He Has Done This to Himself"
–– Not you?

Jax Taylor's Life Flashes Before His Eyes When He Nearly Drowns on ‘Vanderpump Rules’ -- Watch!
–– In tub of bronzer.

More body parts found in Japan after decapitation case
–– Authorities can’t make head nor tail of them.

Russian Olympian Who Wore 'I Don't Do Doping' Shirt Fails Doping Test
–– Vows to study harder in 2022.

50 Cent admits he 'has never owned, and does not now own' any bitcoin
–– Not even a half-dollar-worth?

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai: ‘We need smart networks, not dumb pipes’
–– What 's he smoking in his?

Fiance wouldn’t crack her back, so she grabbed her gun – and aimed at the dog, Florida police say
–– In spineless attack.

Italian Men Mysteriously Missing in Mexico 'Sold for $53' to Criminal Gang, Their Relatives Say
–– Plus all the pasta they could eat.

Farrah Abraham And Her 9-Year-Old Share Nudes Together!
–– Thought her implant was older than that.

Omarosa Manigault Newman Says She Was Shunned At 'Plantation' White House Because She Was Black
–– Memoir to be entitled Wacko Unchained.

Florida Student Arrested for Bringing an AR-15 Rifle To High School Following Parkland Shooting
–– For mow-and-tell.

Ivanka Trump Calls Question About Father’s Sexual Misconduct ‘Inappropriate’
–– Left groping for answer.

Trump’s Tax Cuts in Hand, Companies Spend More on Themselves Than on Wages
–– Shocking no one but Gary Cohn.

Georgia Republicans Vow to Kill Airline Tax-Cut Bill After Delta Ends N.R.A. Discount
–– Shoot it down.

Billy Graham will be only the 4th person to lie in honor at the Capitol
–– Lying in dishonor hourly observance there.

Stephen Miller Ends His Worst Day Yet by Falling Asleep During School Safety Meeting
–– Rarely naps outside of coffin.

Donald Trump: I Would Courageously Rush into a School Shooting Unarmed
–– ‘I love Russian.’

President Trump Boasts He Would've Run Into Florida School to Charge Shooter — Even Without a Gun
–– NRA: ‘You should never even charge dinner without a gun.’

’Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash is running for Congress in California
–– Quote marks unnecessary.

Bud Luckey, Oscar-Nominated Animator Who Designed Woody for 'Toy Story,' Dies at 83
–– Luckey runs out.

Trump just retweeted a fringe radio host who has attacked the Florida school shooting survivors
–– Shooting from the unhip.

Gus Kenworthy slams Ivanka Trump at Closing Ceremony, notes Russia's 'biggest win' since '16 election
–– Though there was more juicing in ’16.

Covering Trump Is Like Facing 'Fertilizer Spreader In A Wind Storm' Says Reporter Dan Rather
–– Thought it was straight shitstorm.

Trump campaign emails photo of Parkland survivor, asks for donations
–– ‘If you want more shooting victims like this.’

More than a dozen businesses ran away from the NRA. How it went down
–– Most shot in back.

Exclusive: Trump privately pushing personal pilot to run FAA
–– Expects another unqualified appointee to wing it.

Ivanka Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders experience awkward moment in South Korea
–– Two dopey queens.

Sweden outlasts South Korea's 'Garlic Girls' for women's curling gold
–– Who were breathing down their necks.

Florida Shooting Survivor Suggests Calling AR-15 Rifles 'Marco Rubios'
–– Especially ones that misfire.

Trump On Fox Savages 'Leaker' Schiff Who Has 'Probably' Done Something 'Illegal''
–– Same old Schiff.

European Ex-Officials Deny Being Paid by Manafort to Lobby for Ukraine
–– Shock o’ the day.

How Skadden, the Giant Law Firm, Got Entangled in the Mueller Investigation
–– Through sheer greed like every other player.

Russians Won’t Get to March Behind Their Flag at the Olympic Closing Ceremony
–– Ooo, harsh punishment for cheaters.

’Crisis Actor’ Isn’t a New Smear. The Idea Goes Back to the Civil War Era.
–– Gained new currency with Nicolas Cage.

Parkland shooting reveals Trump's deepest flaws
–– Still waiting for event that reveals virtues.

Plastic straw makers brace for bans
–– Told to suck it up.

China to drop presidential term limits, clearing way for Xi Jinping to stay on
–– Xi who must be obeyed.

Ivanka Trump stands and claps for North and South Korean Olympic Athletes
–– ‘So cute, they all look alike.’

Trump: I try like hell to hide that bald spot
–– How about one on inside?

Trump announces new North Korea sanctions
–– Wasn’t appearance at Olympics punishment enough?

WH official: Peña Nieto calls off visit to White House after confrontational call with Trump
–– Wall-to-wall carping.

What does Dana Loesch know about 'grieving black mothers in Chicago’?
–– That she wishes there were more of them.

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