Buy Now (Because It's Never Too Late!)
Purchase your copy of the hilarious 2012 Doomsday Planner, the datebook that spoofs end-time predictions and the Mayans' mystical calendar.
Available at Amazon.com –– click on the links to the right –– or at Barnes & Noble.com:
Deluxe Full-Color Edition
Top 10 Mayan New Year's Resolutions for 2013
Now that they gotta face the future, read the inevitable pledges in the Ant Farmers Almanac.
Maya Old Acquaintance Be Forgot
Best wishes for a post-apocalyptically wonderful 2013. Good luck rolling that new long-count calendar up the proverbial hill.
Still Have Your Appetite for Destruction?
In case the near-miss Apocalyse last week didn't quench your taste for dire predictions, here's a helpful guide to some upcoming catastrophes.
Um, Uh, Er…
In the event that you've noticed that the world failed to end on December 21st, we offer our sincerest apologies and suggest these helpful steps in response to our previously posted To-Do Checklist:
√ List flashlight batteries, extra-thick lead-lined hurricane shutters and 50-year supply of canned goods for sale on eBay.
√ Remove name from International Space Station ‘waiting list’.
√ Start new bucket list.
√ Find surefire remedy for Cristal hangover.
√ Create alibi for whereabouts at the time your boss’s tires got slashed.
√ Avoid any and all gatherings where sibling and sibling’s spouse may be present.
√ Report stolen identity to credit card companies.
√ Think over whether to inform the Post Office that you’re still around.
√ Restore cable service; maybe upgrade.
√ Turn lights back on.
And Happy Holidays, after all.
The 12 Days of Apocalysmas®!
Your Mayan Doomsday Advent Calendar Countdown
Whether you're looking for a reason to put off Christmas shopping or if running down the clock to doomsday is just your idea of a good time, boy, are you in luck! The Mayan Calendar's forecast for December 21, 2012 -- "Partly cloudy, chance of apocalypse" -- offers something for everyone and it's literally etched in stone.
As we face down this final dozen, let's tick off the days together until, whatever happens next, with this handy Mayan Doomsday Advent Calendar.
On the Twelfth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Compose your famous last words.
On the Eleventh Day of Apocalysmas®...
Make a list. Check it twice.
√ Replace flashlight batteries.
√ Install extra-thick lead-lined hurricane shutters.
√ Lay in 50-year supply of canned goods.
√ Try to bribe way onto International Space Station.
√ Burn bucket list.
√ Consume case of Cristal.
√ Slash boss’s tires.
√ Sleep with spouse’s sibling.
√ Max out credit cards.
√ Instruct Post Office to hold mail.
√ Cancel cable.
√ Turn off lights.
On the Tenth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Have a final brew and a slice. Savor them.
On the Ninth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Heed the moral of the story.
On the Eighth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Read about this mysterious cult.
Not all Mayans bought into the infallibility of the Long Count calendar. In the 6th century AD, a cult developed around the belief that doomsday would arrive on December 21 of some year ending in “12” just not necessarily 2012. Called “Dodos” (short for “Dodecaphobia,” fear of the number 12), they argued endlessly over which century’s Year 12 would be the Big One, with 1212 a clear favorite.
Already a pretty skittish bunch, as 12/21/1212 approached, Dodos saw everything from a hangnail to a hurricane as evidence of impending doom. On the evening of December 20th, 1212, about half of the group dropped dead of fright; the other half dying of embarrassment on December 22nd. Their credibility and members gone, the Dodos were quickly forgotten.
Ironically, the Dodos’ paranoia could have been useful when the Mayans encountered their first Europeans, a group of shipwrecked Spaniards, who washed up on the Yucatan shore. . . in 1511.
On the Seventh Day of Apocalysmas®...
Pore over this antique document that would have Dan Brown salivating.
On the Sixth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Learn the lyrics to the seasonal classic.
On the 12th day of Apocalysmas my true love gave to me:
Twelve Zombies Stalking,
Eleven Mayans Moping,
Nine Icebergs Melting,
and a Nostra-a-damus Prophecy.
On the Fifth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Give that special someone a home-made gift.
On the Fourth Day of Apocalysmas®...
Here's a primer on mesoamerican cuisine from the merry Mayan month of May.
On the Third Day of Apocalysmas®...
On the Second Day of Apocalysmas®...
Even though they’d shared a good laugh with visiting extraterrestrials over what those stupid Greeks called the constellations, the Mayans did their share of whimsical star naming.
In about 150 BCE, the renowned shaman/astronomer el Bondigas celebrated his ascension to high priest with a three day weekend-long, tequila and hallucinogen-fueled “spiritual journey.” This event resulted in a wicked hangover, some awesome tattoos, at least two children and a “vision” of Quetzalcoatl, during which the Mayan god revealed the hidden shapes and true names of certain (but suspiciously not all) visible star systems. Despite some doubters, these designations were officially adopted and routinely used for the remainder of Mayan history.
On the First Day of Apocalysmas®...
The SyFy Channel, home of MegaShark, Frankenfish, Dinocroc and Supergator, comes ashore just long enough to deliver The 12 Disasters of Christmas (check your local listings), a not so special effects-ode to this most joyous of seasons destined (in our household, anyway) to become a Christmastime viewing classic, right up there with the Star Wars Holiday Special.
And, speaking of animals with superpowers, on this the First Day of Apocalysmas®*, we present the Mayan Totem Animal Quiz, because you wouldn't want to face down the end of time with the wrong Mayan totem animal as your spirit guide, now would you? [hint: No, you would not.]
*Okay, YOU come up with a better name. We'll wait. Anyone? Bueller? Yeah, we thought so.
What's Your Mayan Totem Animal?
1. Someone is between you and your goal; do you...
a) Pounce on them, rip their throat out and proceed. b) Hump their leg until you get what you want. c) Stare at them blankly while they run you over with their car.
2. In your spare time you like to...
a) Conquer neighboring tribes.
b) Scamper up and down ancient ruins. c) Make feathered headdresses.
3. You enter a room where you don’t know anyone; what do you do first?
a) Find the weakest in the crowd and eat them. b) Establish your dominance through a series of flailing motions and shrieking cries.
c) Strut your plumage until someone notices, then, if nobody does, leave in a huff.
4. If you could choose where to live, where would it be?
a) On high ground, with good sight lines. b) Somewhere with lots of cover; tall grass, say. c) Anyplace cozy, preferably pink.
5. Which description fits you best?
a) Cold-blooded. b) Easygoing. c) Warm ‘n’ fuzzy.
6. If this quiz shows you’re not the Mayan totem animal you wanted to be, you will:
a) Eat something huge, then spend the next week digesting it. b) Sting somebody. Anybody. c) Hug everyone and make new friends.
Scoring: Each “a” answer is worth 3 points; each “b” is worth 2 points; each “c” is 1 point. If you answered “yes” or “no” to any of the questions, you’re:
a) Taking the wrong quiz; b) Not paying attention; c) Really need new glasses.
Your Score: 18 Jaguar; 17 Scorpion; 16 Hawk; 15 Snake;
14 Monkey; 13 Bat; 12 Owl; 11 Dog; 10 Turtle;
9 Lizard; 8 Rabbit; 7 Deer; 6 Peacock; 0-5 Hello Kitty
And Your Totem Animal Is
18 The Jaguar — You are quick, sleek and deadly, but also ridiculously overpriced and expensive to repair.
17 The Scorpion — The threat of your deadly sting keeps your enemies away. And everyone else. You don’t get invited out much.
16 The Hawk — You are a soaring hunter with sharp eyesight, then again, you hunt small rodents.
15 The Snake — You are graceful in a slithery sort of way; you’d make a great matching belt, shoes and handbag.
14 The Monkey — You are curious, energetic and clever. You also throw your own feces when provoked and sometimes for no reason at all.
13 The Bat — Your radar is truly amazing, but it doesn’t begin to make up for the overall creepiness.
12 The Owl — You are wise enough to come out only at night; the right choice, given your looks.
11 The Dog — Who’s a good totem animal? Who’s a good totem animal? You are! Yes, you are!
10 The Turtle — When you do come out of your shell, it’s rarely worth the wait. What, do you have premium cable in there?
9 The Lizard — Miraculous as it may be that it always grows back, your party trick, “Pull my tail off!” is getting a little tiresome.
8 The Rabbit — You handily evade stuttering hunters with your hilarious wisecracks, but the cross-dressing is beginning to raise eyebrows.
7 The Deer — While you look majestic and noble, your repeated attempts to stare down approaching car headlights indicates that you’re a bit of a slow learner.
6 The Peacock — Beautiful, yes, but nobody likes a showoff.
0-5 Hello Kitty — You don’t have a Mayan totem animal. Check with the Aztecs, maybe they’ve got something for you.
Do svidaniya, Dahlink!
With just two weeks left until D-Day, it's not surprising that the Russians are coming, the Russians are coming undone as reported in the New York Times.
Holiday on Ice
With just over three weeks to go until the End, we suggest you take in an appropriate holiday entertainment. Forget Rise of the Guardians at the multiplex or Elf on Broadway or the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, and remember that you'll never make it until your local First Night. Instead, enjoy this frosty pageant and don't forget to order your copy of the 2012 Doomsday Planner before it's too late.
The End Is NYCC
We offer photographic proof that the end is nigh with these two shots from Now What Media's Booth #2449 at the New York Comic Con on Saturday, October 13. What more evidence do you need of the impending Apocalypse then the trans-dimensional invasion of a lovely, but clearly dangerous, Mayan priestess/video game goddess, and a horribly disfigured, but obviously well-read zombie?
The Comic Conclusion
Think our precious moppets have a tough time of it being educated? Read this excerpt from September in the 2012 Doomsday Planner to see how Mayan youth got schooled:
Education for the average Mayan boy consisted of a couple of hours of instruction on the bow and arrow, and being thrown into a piranha-infested lake to learn how to swim. The Mayan male of means, however, was expected to expand his mind and financial prospects under expert tutelage. Females, regardless of class, were largely expected to stay at home and learn the rudiments of sewing, cooking and “smoking the pink pipe” from their mothers.
Primary schooling began at age three with toy ziggurats built from L’Go dried-dung blocks and games of play human sacrifice. In secondary school a youngster might begin his apprenticeship as an avocado merchant, a coffee farmer or a barista.
Ready to Vacate?
Here's a timely tour suggestion from the 2012 Doomsday Planner –– a relaxing get-away for this final steamy summer. Enjoy!
Mother of Mercy, Is This the End?
• It's nearly the last time that you will need to remember to buy a gift for all of the Mothers on your list: your Mom, wife, daughter, sister-in-law, neighbor, nanny, therapist, and, that biggest Mother of all, your boss. Aside from the especially appropriate gift of our 2012 Doomsday Planner –– it's guaranteed to last longer than roses, even with that miracle plant-meth that they ship with the wilting flowers –– we also suggest you heed this advice from the book:
Nothing touches Mom’s heart on her special day like a gift you made with your own two hands. She brought you into this world, and, chances are, she’ll be there when you go out in a few short months. Show her how much you care by taking a little extra time to make something personal.
Pictured is a pyramid hat made from ice cream sticks to help her channel cosmic energy.
• Our primary source for the unique scholarly insights in the 2012 Doomsday Planner, Dr. Jesús Maria y José El Bondigas, assures us that there is no truth to a recent report on Gizmodo. It states that so-called "experts" who have "studied" recently uncovered jungle etchings –– they probably saw lo-res pics on their iPhones –– have concluded that rather than predicting the apocalypse with the end of their calendar, the Mayans actually sought to mark the beginning of an unimaginably lengthy new period of history that would commence on December 22, 2012. Some guy named William Saturno claims, "The Maya calendar is going to keep going and keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future, a huge number that we can't even wrap our heads around."
Dr. El Bondigas responds, "I no care if you count in cotillions or vermillions of years, but you no gonna be around for Navidad this year, mister. I'll wrap your head around that!" Measured, yet strong words from the ex-luchador, based upon his own discovery of the massive "Dozen Count" calendar in jungles far from this alleged find in Guatemala. The good doctor's explanation for these purported scribblings? "Is obviously forgery. Somebody, he want to make El Bondigas look bad. I have suspicions, sounds like my brother-in-law El Babosa. He big pratical joker, that bastardo."
• For further refutation, check out the Ant Farmer's Almanac for 7 Things You Didn't Know About: The New York City Emergency Services Preparedness Manual's Secret Chapter on Dealing with an Alien Invasion. Better safe than sorry.