Buy Now (Because It's Never Too Late!)
Purchase your copy of the hilarious 2012 Doomsday Planner, the datebook that spoofs end-time predictions and the Mayans' mystical calendar.
Available at Amazon.com –– click on the links to the right –– or at Barnes & Noble.com:
Deluxe Full-Color Edition
The Sun Sessions Part IV: The Last Sucker
A final set of chilling prediction for this year into next from the seers of the Sun newspaper, fact-checked by our Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
(Toronto-based clairvoyant consultant to Hollywood A-Listers)
Hosni Mubarak dies. Most Likely.
Terrorists attack the NASA facilities in Houston. My Reply Is No.
Several paintings by famous artists are found on a mountain in Switzerland. My Sources Say No.
A movie star is kidnapped off a yacht near Catalina Island. Yes.
A large dinosaur fossil is discovered under a Manhattan skyscraper. Signs Point To Yes.
A violent hurricane topples a causeway or bridge near the Florida Keys. Yes, Definitely.
Latoya Jackson faces danger. You May Rely On It.
The U.S. introduces a new currency. My Reply Is No.
Terrorists target America, Great Britain, and Johannesburg, South Africa. My Sources Say No.
An explosion cripples New York's Lincoln Tunnel and a subway is hijacked. Without a Doubt.
Someone falls off the CN Tower in Toronto. As I See it, Yes.
Gene Hackman, Ed Asner and Jerry Lewis face health concerns. Outlook Not So Good.
Riots strike Wall Street. My Reply Is No.
British royal family shattered by sex scandal. Outlook Good.
Bomb blast in Chicago. Better Not Tell You Now.
Earthquake in Iran. Yes.
Devastating hurricane threatens Florida, the Carolinas, the Caribbean, Mexico and Eastern Canada. Signs Point To Yes.
Popular uprisings across South America. My Reply Is No.
Bangkok, Thailand is destroyed by a fire. My Reply Is No.
A runway collapses at a major fashion show, killing several and injuring hundreds. Yes.
Large influx [sic] of UFO sightings in North America. Outlook Good.
Plane crashes into the White House. Outlook Not So Good.
An international soccer team is kidnapped and held for ransom. It Is Certain.
Earthquakes rumble under the Caribbean and the Catskills. You Can Rely On It.
Two movie stars die in a hot tub accident. Ask Again Later.
Parts of San Francisco are flattened by an earthquake. My Sources Say No.
With hungry end-timers representing a burgeoning market, major food manufacturers should begin making products to stock the shelves of survivalist superstores. While you'd already be wise to invest heavily in Hormel, producer of Spam and ConAgra, Slim Jim's proud parent company, we expect other food titans will soon join that lucrative list by offering sweet new treats like these.
The Sun Sessions Part III: The Scum Also Rises
Still more prognostications for what's left of 2011 from the Sun newspaper's Sybils, verified by our Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
Sebastiano Perralto Ramos
Jennifer Aniston opens an animal sanctuary in Northern California. As I See It, Yes.
A real-estate magnate builds huge, underground bunkers in storm-ravaged Joplin, Missouri; New Orleans; Birmingham, Alabama. Yes.
Ninety-year-old twins kayak from Massachusetts to Portugal. Outlook Good.
Obama announces all schools will take part in a "Pennies for the Deficit" fundraising campaign. Better Not Tell You Now.
Chuck Norris saves a Missouri town from an asteroid. Don't Count On It.
Greenland declares war on Denmark, but the conflict is ignored by the world. Yes.
California auctions off the naming rights to the state to raise revenue. Better Not Tell You Now.
Sightings of Michael Jackson are reported in Dubai. Cannot Predict Now.
Secrets of the Egyptian pyramids are found in Muammar Qaddafi's safe. You May Rely on It.
After a high-profile arrest, financial industry leaders predict a stock market boom in early 2012. Most Likely.
Jeb Bush enters the 2012 presidential race. As I See It, Yes.
Foot fungus is found to cure acne. Without a Doubt.
George W. Bush and wife Laura become Scientologists. You Can Rely On It.
Prince Harry elopes in Las Vegas with Pippa Middleton. My Sources Say No.
A man who went missing on Mount Everest in 1972 is found encased in ice -- but alive -- near the summit. My Sources Say No.
A new species of mutant pink alligators are found in Costa Rica. It Is Certain.
Cops raid Kirstie Alley's home and find 27 dogs, 60 cats, 15 parrots, eight lemurs and a kangaroo. Signs Point To Yes.
Iran releases hikers accused of spying after a top-secret meeting between Iranian president Ahmadinejad and Sarah Palin. Without a Doubt.
Japan admits kidnapping Amelia Earhart, claiming she died in Tokyo in 1988 at the age of 90. Outlook Good.
Rocket-powered umbrellas allow visitors to Orlando's Disney World to fly like Mary Poppins. It Is Decidedly So.
Casey Anthony reveals she's pregnant with octuplets. Outlook Good.
NASA discovers a new star that blinks to the beat of the disco song YMCA. My Reply Is No.
A tainted batch of flea medication turns dogs' fur pea green. My Sources Say No.
An angel appears over Fatima, Portugal, and reveals a prophetic "fourth secret" to a pair of young girls. This secret involves the future of the U.S. economy and the Saudi royal family. Without a Doubt.
Numb and Number
Today is the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year of the new millenium. A day that has numerologists drooling over their abaci, even as "reputable" news sources ponder the apocalyptic implications, while others plumb its political ramifications.
Hollywood marks the day with the release of the appropriately entitled spookfest 11-11-11, that conveniently comes with its own expiration date, along with the far more terrifying Adam Sandler vehicle Jack and Jill in which he plays both male and female identical twins.
Our concern is for the year ahead –– the mystical occurence of 12/12/12 and that date's presagement (an actual word) of the decisive 12/21/12. You just take the middle 12 and transpose the 1 and the 2 to make it into a 21, and you've pretty much done your presaging.
Herewith we include one of the dozens of Fortnightly Glyphs from the 2012 Doomsday Planner. This one is for 11/11/12, and perhaps the minor deity symbolized here might be able to help you sleep as you ponder the dwindling days ahead. In the meantime, ease your mind and buy our book. We're counting on you.
Doomsday to the Macs
This is the original cover art that we hoped to use for the 2012 Doomsday Planner –– our genius publisher at Now What Books put the kibosh on it because he said it was too "tasteful" for a gut-busting parody like ours.
We're still not sure if we shouldn't have honored the fabled Mayan demigod and founder of Avocado, S'teev J'bz. He was best known for discovering the iPod which revolutionized the planting of peas, and the iPad which was used by grateful Mayan maidens on those monthly occasions when the "Amazon overflowed."
His iCal version of the long count calendar actually extended the length of the count indefinitely, which would have rendered speculation about doomsday falling on December 21, 2012 moot. Luckily for us, not all of his fellow tribesmen were taught to think different, and most embraced the W'indoz system of computation.
The Sun Sessions Part II: Bat Boy Rises
More startling predictions for the remaining months of 2011 from the ever-reliable Sun newspaper, fact-checked by our equally-infallible Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
(psychic advisor to Princess Di)
Michelle Bachman will go blonde. As I See It, Yes.
A lost work by Shakespeare about the Emperor Nero will be discovered. Very Doubtful.
A major brand of lipstick is recalled when it permanently dyes lips black. Very Doubtful.
A pill that tones muscle without exercise will be developed. Signs Point To Yes.
Breeders create a dog with rudimentary vocal chords that can speak in simple sentences. You May Rely On It.
Alligators are discovered to have interbred with giant rats in the NYC sewer system. It Is Decidedly So.
Jack Nicholson becomes a Baptist preacher. Outlook Good.
Insects -- especially grasshoppers and grubs -- become a staple of the American diet. Very Doubtful.
Doctors define a cure for cancer from eggshells. Yes, Definitely.
Reproduction through cloning becomes a legal option for gay couples. Without a Doubt.
The man who will become the next pope appears as a contestant on American Idol. My Reply Is No.
A 12-year-old boy who claims to be the reincarnation of John Lennon becomes a musical sensation. As I See It, Yes.
A unicorn is discovered in a Scottish forest. My Reply Is No.
Do-it-yourself surgical facelifts are approved by the FDA. Signs Point To Yes.
A third of the world's population goes temporarily deaf after a mysterious sonic boom. Outlook Good.
Riots occur in cities worldwide after disease destroys 90% of the world's coffee bean crop. It Is Certain.
Gas prices rise to $10 a gallon, causing bike sales to soar. Don't Count On It.
Texas secedes from the union. Very Doubtful.
A movement grows in the U.S. to replace George Washington with Ronald Reagan on the $1 bill. My Sources Say No.
Flying cars. My Sources Say No.
Donald Trump offers to buy downtown Manhattan. As I See It, Yes.
Bangkok city planners unveil a floating subdivision that will house over a thousand families. You May Rely On it.
A malfunctioning cell phone ring tone will trigger seizures in 75% of anyone within earshot. Signs Point To Yes.
An anti-gun-control presidential candidate hands out free handguns at a campaign rally. It Is Decidedly So.
A new autopsy report shows that Elvis was murdered. Very Doubtful.
Day of the Really Most Sincerely Dead
Today is El Día de los Muertos in Mexico, the traditional Mesoamerican holiday which memorializes the departed while celebrating the cycle of life. In honor of this unique fiesta we offer this depiction of one of the ancient Mayans' terrifying Day of the Dead masks, and this excerpt from the 2012 Doomsday Planner concerning its origins:
The Mayans weren’t so much interested in honoring the dead as making sure there were plenty of them.
Still, as indifferent as they were to the deaths of their enemies, their subjects and, well, pretty much everyone else, Mayan nobility spent years and fortunes erecting grandiose post-mortem monuments to their own fabulousness. Intent on “taking it with them,” they planned to entomb not only themselves, but as many of their valuables as they could cram in there…
Read much more in the 2012 Doomsday Planner and prepare yourself for the coming Año de los Muertos!
Sign of the Coming Apocalypse #27
Fire up the margaritas 'cause it's gonna be a Doomsday you can dance to with the metal Mariachi band aptly named Metalachi.
The Wonking Dead
Our survey found that just 11% of respondents believed that the world would end due to zombie invasion (while 3% feared it would be by gas leak.) Apparently media mavens have determined that the number is much higher as they continue to flood the market with books, movies and TV shows overrun by the undead.
On TV, The Walking Dead have become the latest mad men breaking not so bad for AMC. And recent bestselling books World War Z, and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies are destined to shuffle off to the multiplex in the fetid, yet profitable wake of Day, Night, Dawn, Shaun, Land, Return, House, Dance, Diary, and Survival of the Dead.
Wikipedia's List of zombie films includes a whopping 66 films produced in 2010 with dozens more on tap for this year and next. In comparison, the entire decade of the 50s produced only 6 such epics (not counting the Eisenhower Administration.) If brain-guzzling ghouls be humankind's fate then count down to chow down with our 2012 Doomsday Planner that features comics parodies like Zombie previewed here.
The Sun Sessions Part I
For its September issue, The Sun (print home of Bat Boy) had four renowned psychics peer into the not-too-distant future and forecast the noteworthy events of this last quarter of 2011. An impressive feat, if they pull it off, especially on such short notice.
We were curious enough about the outcome to dust off our renowned Magic 8-Ball to see how it fared against The Sun’s brightest seers.
Below is the first of The Sun psychics’ predictions and the Magic 8-Ball’s response, which we presented to it in the form of questions. Between now and New Years’ 2012, we’ll check in regularly to update any of them that have come true (presuming they don’t involve catastrophic events in our zip code). Then, on the first weekend after January 1, 2012, we’ll score the psychics against the Magic 8-Ball and both against reality.
Note: Any of these predictions that appears as an article in –– and only in –– The Sun does not count as having come true. We'll note this if and whenever it happens and, if it becomes a pattern, will conclude the whole thing was just The Sun's way of tricking these psychics into providing them with three months’-worth of free story ideas.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
(Key advisor to several Eastern European governments)
• The U.S. will discover a large-headed child in Afghanistan, the product of a Taliban bid to create genetically superior super soldiers. My Sources Say No.
• Colin Powell will become CEO of GM. It Is Certain.
• British PM David Cameron will leave politics and become a Christian missionary in the Middle East. Signs Point To Yes.
• Game 4 of the World Series is interrupted by an F4 tornado. Very Doubtful.
• Arizona town mandates camel-riding to conserve gas. Cannot Predict Now.
• Man-eating ants in Peru wipes out entire village, then vanishes into the jungle without a trace. Signs Point To Yes.
• World's largest yellow diamond be discovered in an elementary school sandbox in Arkansas. Very Doubtful.
• Man strangles himself to death when testing bionic gloves meant to restore hand function in quadriplegics. My Sources Say No.
• Doris Day fans appeal for public prayers of love and comfort in her last days. As I See It, Yes.
• Michelle Obama becomes top champ in unisex arm wrestling competition. As I See It, Yes.
• Half of Manhattan sinks following an earthquake, but rises back the next day. Signs Point To Yes.
• A 14-year-old girl becomes an internet sensation when she runs for president with Hello Kitty as her running mate. Yes.
• First brain transplant takes place in Switzerland. My Sources Say No.
• Archaeologists discover that ancient Sumerians invented the hamburger. You May Rely On It.
• Rick Perry challenges President Obama to a duel to decide the next presidency; Tea Party approves. It Is Certain.
• A married couple has themselves surgically sewn together. Yes.
• It is proved conclusively that Hitler was a woman. My Reply Is No.
• A brand of cookie is banned when it is discovered to contain nicotine and be highly addictive. Yes, Definitely.
• 27 tornados will hit one state in a single month. Outlook Not So Good.
• NASA announces plans to send three people to Mars within seven years. My Sources Say No.
• A white whale -- like Moby Dick -- beaches itself on the California coast. Outlook Good.
• It will be rumored that an alien spacecraft is orbiting Earth. It Is Certain.
• An Iraqi man who is rumored to perform miracles is thought by some to be the returned Christ. As I See It, Yes.
• Alarm spreads as sea levels noticeably rise due to global warming. It Is Certain.
• President Obama's re-election campaign hits a major obstacle when the U.S. economy suddenly collapses due to pressure from the oil industry and Wall Street traders. Very Doubtful.
To Be Continued…
An advertisement in the October 16th New York Times Travel section trumpeted "Chiapas, The New Era Will Begin…Mayan Prophecies 2012." It then went on enthusiastically, if ungrammatically, to add, "Witness our Mayan cities mysticism, where time and universe will align for a new start." The copy concluded with the mystically punctuated, "Countdown: December 21st. 2011."
This ad is part of a concerted effort by the Mexican government to bolster tourism. During an announcement of the Maya World Program, launched June 21 with a countdown to Dec. 21, 2012, President Felipe Calderón said, “As Mexicans, we want to share with the world the unparalleled grandeur of the Mayan civilization." So do we. Pictured here is a detail of Mayan revelers on vacay in A'Ka'Pul'Ko, partying like it's 999.
Camping It Up
Sere sage and soothsayer Harold Camping is at it again, reconfirming his recent reprediction of the Rapture. Having missed its original due date of May 21, the ultimate reckoning has been rescheduled for October 21, weather permitting.
That leaves you limited time to order our 2012 Doomsday Planner in which we reveal Harold Camping's Top Ten Excuses For Why The World Didn't End on May 21, 2011 ("#6: Really curious how they'll pull off Ashton Kutcher's replacing Charlie Sheen") along with the truth behind other prognosticators' wild warnings.
Here's a sample ad from the book.
Cue up the Blondie hit and start sweatin'.
Weekly World News States Obvious
Our exhaustive research pretty much convinced us that the ancient Mayans were visited by extraterrestrials –– note the suspicious glyph that we unearthed pictured here –– but we must admit it's a great relief to have a reputable journal like Weekly World News confirm our suspicions in their recent hard-hitting investigative report Mayans Had Contact With Aliens.
So maybe we're not so crazy after all, you so-called "experts" on Mesoamerican history at those hoity-toity, over-priced universities.
Thanks, Bat Boy!
Just Published, Just In Time!
Now What Media LLC announces the publication of 2012 Doomsday Planner and 2012 Doomsday Planner Full-Color Edition by L.K. Peterson and Martin Kozlowski.
This hilarious makeover of the Mayan calendar sends up end-of-the-world predictions and apocalyptic jitters, while serving as a fully-functional datebook planner.
Lavishly illustrated and chock-full of dubious historical notes, this book reinterprets ancient glyphs and gaffes in light of our modern world to illustrate just how prescient the Mayans might have been. Along the way it lampoons doomsayers from Nostradamus to Harold Camping and offers tips galore on how to survive until December 21, 2012...and beyond?
It's the final word on the end of everything and the last datebook you'll ever need.
Yours, Mayan and Our Calendar
The Mayan Long Count calendar measures time using interconnected and overlapping systems of solar and lunar cycles, numerically defined periods of days, months and millennia, then synchronizes them with the alignment of the stars and the harmonizing of spiritual, mythological, zodiacal forces along with the occasional three-day weekend.
Got it? Neither do we. That’s why we went back through the Mayans' calendar and reinterpreted and revised it glyph by glyph, from beginning to end.