Grand Theft Asshole
Week of 10/24/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Said to Demand Justice Dept. Pay Him $230 Million for Past Cases
–– In small unmarked bills, see?
Why the demolition of the East Wing is so shocking
–– It's by T Wrex.
Trump Is Wasting No Time in Tearing Down the East Wing
–– Isn’t metaphor a little on the nose?
Leavitt Blames White House Bulldozers on Former President in Baffling Defense
–– Bullshitters far more destructive.
White House expands East Wing demolition as critics decry Trump overreach
–– From man who can't even reach own balls to scratch.
Latest inflation data shows prices rose by fastest pace since January
–– And remember those are Trump numbers.
Family Health Insurance Coverage Nears $27,000 a Year
–– And what's price of WH Ballroom currently at?
Trump says he’s canceling trade negotiations with Canada over anti-tariff ad
–– Triggered by reminder to cult there was glimmer of sanity before final descent.
‘No Kings’ protests pass in festival atmosphere as an estimated 7 million across US rally against Trump’s ‘authoritarianism’
–– Festival like 'Trumpabiglooza.'
Donald Trump Posts Bizarre AI Video of Himself in a ‘King Trump’ Fighter Jet Bombing NYC Protestors With Streams of Fecal Matter
–– Satire and metaphor passed away quietly in each others arms.
Trump’s response to ‘No Kings’ marches only proved the protesters’ point
–– Was point 'he needs institutionalization?'
Jon Stewart Slams Fox News for Complaining About Too Many ‘Old White People’ at No Kings Protests: ‘Make Up Your Mind’
–– Think they forgot to add 'who aren't yet senile.'
No Kings’ Protester Arrested for Tripping MAGA ‘Faceplant Guy’ in Colorado
–– Should be ‘brain-transplant guy.’
Letitia James pleads not guilty in mortgage case Trump pushed
–– Liens into it?
DC Reporter Publishes Trump Attorney’s Texts About Letitia James: ‘By the Way, Everything I Ever Sent You Is Off Record’
–– And off rocker.
As national debt accelerates to $38 trillion, watchdog warns it’s ‘no way for a great nation like America to run its finances’
–– From now on let’s make that ‘formerly-great.’
President Pardons Binance Founder With Ties to First Family’s Crypto Venture
–– Found it too difficult arranging payoffs while in prison.
Elon Musk feuds with US transportation chief in social media posts: ‘2 digit IQ’
–– From man with 1 digit up America's ass.
lon Musk defends $1 trillion pay package: ‘I just don’t feel comfortable building a robot army here and then being ousted’
–– He is like Bond villain, but way less self-aware.
Trump’s Granddaughter Accidentally Reveals How Long He’s Had Hand Issues
–– Has been inappropriately touching women since teens.
Journalist Michael Wolff Files Legal Complaint Against Melania Trump After First Lady Threatens $1 Billion Libel Suit Over Epstein Comments
–– Wolff at the whore.
Stephen Miller Slams Robert De Niro as a 'Sad, Broken Old Man' After the Actor Called Him a 'Nazi': 'He Hasn't Made Anything Worth Watching in at Least 30 Years'
–– Miller hasn’t made anything worth sieg heiling in same span.
'The church is asleep right now': Ted Cruz calls on Christians to confront right-wing antisemitism
–– Imagine Cruz as your moral conscience.
Coast Guard Buys Two Private Jets for Noem, Costing $172 Million
–– Assumes she'll misplace one.
Some new ICE recruits have shown up to training without full vetting
–– Will end up vetting selves.
Rubio promised to betray U.S. informants to get Trump’s El Salvador prison deal
–– Or just for fun.
A Mystery in Trinidad as Bodies Wash Ashore After U.S. Strikes
–– To bag-o?
Eight years for a would-be assassin defies common sense
–– Depending on target?
Marc Benioff apologizes after saying Trump should send National Guard troops to San Francisco
–– Salesfarce.
George Santos, freed by Trump, says he wants to reform American prisons
–– American prisons are f**ked.
Eric Adams Will Endorse Andrew Cuomo for Mayor
–– But didn't he already have scumbag vote?
Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner covers up controversial tattoo: What to know
–– Tat's all, folks.
Amid shaky truce, Israel says it struck Gaza after Hamas attacks
–– Truce lies.
Trump keeps getting played by Putin. Will Budapest be different?
–– Nem.
Putin says U.S. sanctions are ‘serious’ but won’t make Russia stop war
–– Putin perspective.
Why Russians are shunning coffee – and what they are replacing it with
–– More vodka?
US is sending an aircraft carrier to Latin America in major escalation of military firepower
–– And bid to keep Hegseth on wagon.
The Secretive Office Approving Trump’s Boat Strikes
–– Let’s guess: headed by John Barron?
U.S. Anglican Church archbishop accused of sexual misconduct, abuse of power
–– And staff.
Jeff Bezos makes bold statement about the future of human civilization: 'I don't see how anybody can be discouraged who is alive right now'
–– ‘From here, on the foredeck of Koru regarding a Caribbean sunset.’
Disney suffers alarming loss after massive consumer boycott
–– Scrooge McDuck has barely enough gold coins to dive into.
Jeremy Strong Says Jesse Eisenberg’s Version of Mark Zuckerberg “Has Nothing to Do With What I’m Going to Do” in ‘Social Network’ Sequel
–– Yeah, we couldn’t mock Eisenberg for his ‘preparation’ for role.
Johnny Depp to Star in ‘Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol’ at Paramount Pictures, Ti West to Direct
–– Paramount: ‘Scrooge you, #MeToo.’
Mike Farrell Reveals the 1 'M*A*S*H' Storyline He Fought for the Writers to Change: ‘B.J. Wouldn’t Do That’
–– Give bj?
Norman Reedus Previews the End of ‘Daryl Dixon’: “We’re Wrapping Up in a Perfect Way”
–– "Just 10 years too late."
‘I couldn’t get out of bed for a week’: Barry Sonnenfeld recalls the disastrous first cut of ‘Get Shorty’ on its 30th anniversary
–– It needed to get shortyer.
Walter Matthau shocked son with reason he refused to be frozen after death
–– Like most people.
Teri Hatcher Reveals She Lost Her Virginity in Her Parents’ Waterbed Without Protection: 'Lucky I Got Out Alive'
–– Was it with orca?
Sean Connery Hated Wearing Toupees On Screen and Shared Why He Never Would in Real Life
–– Rug burns?
‘Psycho’ star’s son Osgood Perkins says he wouldn’t watch ‘Monster” The Ed Gein Story’ ‘with a 10-foot pole’
–– Seeking 6-foot Pole instead.
Sean Bean Says His Famous Lord of the Rings Speech Had Extra 'Gravitas' Because He Was Reading His Lines Off a Card
–– Card apparently didn’t have definition of that word.
’When I told him I’d secretly seen his films, his eyes filled with tears’: Isabella Rossellini remembers her father Roberto
–– ‘As I stood on his small toe.’
Francis Ford Coppola Forced to Sell His Custom $1 Million Watch After ‘Megalopolis’ Debacle
–– Is he ticked off?
A newly svelte Jelly Roll talks about how his marriage survived his infidelity
–– How did girlfriend?
Nude artist Dina Broadhurst shares her most SHOCKING photo yet while holidaying in San Francisco
–– Now we have to check out all non-toilet pics to compare?
Is Olivia Rodrigo’s Custom Miu Miu Mini Dress Hiding an Easter Egg?
–– Or is that third breast?
Emily Blunt's Bejeweled Red Hot Dress Is Basically a Ruby Slipper
–– Is that why feet were wrapped in chili peppers?
Review: Arvo Pärt Gets the 90th Birthday Concert He Deserves
–– Poor bastard.
Beauty queen suffers humiliating onstage blunder at Miss Grand International pageant: 'I beg your pardon'
–– Entered Miss Grand International pageant?
David Attenborough Becomes Oldest Daytime Emmy Winner at 99
–– Couldn't stay up for night time one.
Gen Z Wants More Animation and Less Sex Onscreen, According to Teens & Screens Survey
–– Gen Zzzz.
NBA coach and player among those arrested in massive mafia-linked sports rigging and gambling probe
–– Will see day in court?
'Surprised they got caught': NBA insiders paint a portrait of rampant casual gambling
–– In acrylics.
How does a bison know it’s time to retire? Inside the zany world of live college mascots.
–– When he's been buffaloed.
New Louvre heist video shows the moment jewel thieves escaped, as French police say DNA traces found in helmet and gloves
–– To reveal ze Jeanetic profile.
Inspector Clouseau? The mystery man in an AP photo after the Louvre jewel heist creates a buzz
–– Among internet's pink panters.
See Renoir's Rare Drawings on Display in the First Exhibition of Its Kind Since 1921
–– Attention, chubby chasers.
How a Handyman’s Wife Helped an Hermès Heir Discover He’d Lost $15 Billion
–– Lifted pillow on couch?
Why kids keep saying ‘6-7’: ‘It’s really beautiful because it’s dumb’
–– Can’t say same of entire generation.
The Dying Utter Eerily Similar Final Words. A Mysterious Shift in Consciousness May Explain Why.
–– ‘Covfefe…’
A 6-year research project found a surprisingly simple route to happiness
–– Big research grants to study nonsense.
Here's what might signal a man's 'endowment'— and it's not hands or feet
–– His bank account.
He Spent $250K on Nickels. ‘Most People Would Call Me Insane.’
–– Only if it were dimes.
Drought Mutes Northeast Leaf-Peeping Season
–– So tough luck, you arboreal pervs.
Why are you seeing cowboys everywhere?
–– Drunk on rotgut?
Is It Bad to Buy Into a Gentrified Neighborhood?
–– Shithole sounds like it would suit you fine.
Rare, Fast, and (Almost) Forgotten: Limited-Run BMWs That Flew Under the Radar
–– Who could forget flying car?
Ordering A Menu Item You Can't Pronounce? Here's The Proper Etiquette To Follow
–– Point.
This glow-in-the-dark Halloween punch is both a trick and a treat
–– And an emetic!
Delish Fans Have Spoken: This Is The Best Pizza In America
–– In 20th best-pizza-in-America poll this week.
When Does A Grilled Cheese Sandwich Become A Melt? Reddit Has Very Strong Opinions
–– When it turns 13?
The drink that Americans won’t give up without a fight
–– Punch?
The Best 1-Ingredient Upgrade for Tuna Salad Sandwiches, According to a Food Expert
–– Angel dust.
What Happens to Your Blood Pressure When You Eat Sourdough Bread Regularly?
–– Same as if you eat marble rye unusually.
A member of the US Witness Protection Program since age 7 explains how the experience changed her life for the worse
–– And is then rubbed out.
Woman Who Tried to Let Her Twin Take Blame for Fatal Buggy Crash Gets 4 Years in Prison
–– Amishion of guilt?
Couple ‘locked vulnerable woman in garage for five years’ and ‘forced her to eat porridge with dish soap’
–– Just weren’t trying to save time with clean-up?
Man accused of ‘inappropriately touching himself’ next to area school bus
–– Claimed he was acting out Pat the Bunny.
Four Members of Calif. Softball Team Found Dead of Apparent Drug Overdoses
–– Four speed balls and you’re out.
Girl who fell from Disney cruise ship was allegedly encouraged by mom to take photo in open porthole: report
–– After day of whining about food, parents, boredom.
During His Japan Trip, Luigi Mangione Texted Joke About Paying for a Prostitute with 'Pornstar Pokémon' Cards
–– You don’t need to convince us he’s unfunny schmuck.
Investigator Makes 'Disturbing' Discovery at D4vd's Home
–– He only owns 3 DVDs.
‘He showed no mercy’: Gunman in Los Angeles disarmed, beaten by victim
–– Experienced shooting pains.
Bear Breaks Into California Zoo to Mingle With Other Bears
–– Charged with inappropriate hugging.
Rare 'ghost moose' footage shows massive animal wandering through Swedish wilderness
–– Wearing silliest California King bed sheet.
'Java Man,’ the first Homo erectus discovered, is finally going home
–– And he’s still hard.
Why do horses have eyes on the side of their head?
–– And why are they staring at us?!
A 2,000-Year-Old Sarcophagus Was Just Unsealed—and the Mummy Inside is Mind-Blowing
–– So high he's like totally unwrapped.
Ancient Roman mass grave shows its army’s ethnic diversity
–– Isn’t that who typically gets conscripted, killed, forgotten?
Fossilized Skin on Dinosaur ‘Mummies’ Isn’t Skin at All
–– Alrighty then.
Scientists Say We May Have Been Wrong About the Origin of Life
–– But you’re bunch of idiots.
What scientists saw underwater in Florida left them “shocked” –– and devastated
–– Florida man naked!
Science Has Brought Us One Step Closer To 'Butt Breathing'
–– Blow it out your ass!
Michel Devoret, 2025 Nobel Prize in Physics laureate, has fun in the quantum tunnel
–– And loves tormenting Schrodinger's cat.
Soo Catwoman, ‘the Female Face of Punk,’ Is Dead at 70
–– Soo long.
