PINHEADS
Week of 08/28/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump rips Clinton aide Abedin and 'perv' husband Weiner
–– And Trump knows dick.
What we learned from SummerSlam 2015
–– And forgot after chokehold.
Clarence Thomas, a Supreme Court Justice of Few Words, Some Not His Own
–– Plagiarizes Judge Mathis.
Kylie Jenner, Tyga Cited for Water Wasting
–– And air abuse.
Could teen have run with severed spine after being shot by police?
–– It he had it on leash.
Donald Trump: Tax the rich more
–– GOP elephant hangs self with own trunk.
Snake selfie lands man in hospital
–– Mistook rattler for selfie stick.
Expert: We're 'locked-in' to 3 feet sea level rise
–– At a 30-year fixed rate.
Impossibly tiny horse chases owner, demands to be petted
–– Instead is stepped on, squashed.
The hidden intangible Darrelle Revis brings to Jets
–– And his known unknowns.
State police confirm boat found in Sandy Hook Channel is missing fishing vessel
–– Pines for it daily.
Marley McKenna Spindler, South Carolina teen who vanished from restaurant, found safe
–– But didn’t know combination.
Glenn Beck Calls WDBJ TV News Shooting God’s ‘Final Warning’ Before the Apocalypse
–– But wishes he'd thought of ratings grabber.
Russia Box Office: ‘Fantastic Four’ Debuts On Top
–– Is revoltin' development, nyet?
Loose nut costs Air Force $62.4 million in accident
–– Authorities restrain and return to psych ward.
Walmart to stop selling AR-15s and similar guns
–– Replace with line of bargain bazookas.
Robert Pattinson to Read Zadie Smith’s Words for Claire Denis
–– Who can’t read English?
Paula Deen Joining ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Season 21
–– Performing Butter Barrel Polka.
Trump apes Asian negotiators
–– Or was it apes?
Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Schumer Writing Screenplay Together
–– Well, one writing, other transcribing.
McD’s rejects BK's McWhopper pitch
–– Mayor McCheese nixes King’s come-on.
Boy trips, punches hole in $1.5 million painting
–– Creates $2.5 million Dada masterpiece.
Who would vote for Joe Biden?
–– To get accurate count need to know how many family members are voting age.
CEO, 6 others from 'world's largest male escort site' arrested
–– World’s largest male escort back on street.
Dr. who pioneered Life Flight dies
–– Dr. Who?!
Graham on Trump: 'I'll beat his brains out' in S.C.
–– With my man purse.
Asia’s richest man lost $13 billion
–– Pass the Kleenex.
Adult coloring books topping bestseller lists
–– In related news, Trump’s lead at 28%.
Lion kills guide where Cecil lived
–– Note found, ‘Dat’s for C, mofo.’
Bush: 'Anchor babies' = Asians
–– ‘Y’know, yellow devils.’
7 Things We Learned From Quentin Tarantino’s New Interview
–– 3. Lars von Trier not biggest a-hole in film world.
Jon Stewart Gets Body Slammed by John Cena on 'WWE Monday Night Raw'
–– Becomes GIF loop screen saver on FOX News PCs.
Is One Direction taking a break?
–– In humanitarian gesture?
I’m 23 and dressed as royal baby Prince George for a week
–– We won’t tell anybody.
J.K. Rowling blames Tom Felton for turning Draco Malfoy into a heartthrob
–– And for a series of sexts she couldn't stop herself from sending him.
Obama has played more than 1,100 hours of golf as president — here's what that looks like
–– A very tan Ike.
The Meaning of Donald Trump
–– Entropy.
Peyton Manning's crazy admission: 'I can't feel anything in my fingertips'
–– ‘Except cash money.’
Vincenzo Nibali: Cyclist kicked out of Tour of Spain after hitching lift
–– From Lance Armstrong.
Floyd Mayweather Jr. Drops $4.8 Million on Car of Which Only 2 Were Made
–– Opted for polyester seat covers to save money.
Paul Haggis on Journalists Not Asking Tom Cruise About Scientology: "Shame on You"
–– For ‘journalists’ asking him anything.
As War Sows Chaos on Ground, It Can Lead to Cleaner Air, Study Says
–– EPA petitions for war powers act.
Carson calls for drone strikes on border 'caves'
–– Targeting prehistoric ‘illegals.’
Trump to appear on Rolling Stone?
–– Carried by Keith Richards.
Banksy’s Dismaland: Website Problems, Queues Plague "U.K.'s Most Disappointing New Visitor Attraction"
–– As advertised.
Ohio Bill Would Ban Abortion if Down Syndrome Is Reason
–– Don’t want to lose future legislators.
Koreas talking nice now?
–– Kim’s meds kicked in.
Trump: 'I know how Billy Graham felt'
–– Delusional.
Trump on fans: 'What a group!'
–– Like Klan rally with better teeth.
Why would Judge Berman go over Goodell’s head?
–– A lot of things go over commissioner’s head.
Charles Barkley leaning toward Kasich
–– Kasich leaning away.
WHITE HOUSE OR BUST
Week of 08/21/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Times Square’s Topless Women Should Be Regulated, Mayor Says
–– Wants to lift and separate.
ISIS No. 2 believed killed
–– Described as ‘real shit.’
Here Is the Unfortunate Tale of Nicki Minaj’s Madame Tussauds Wax Figure
–– Visitors waxing off.
Peyton Manning felt Patriots bugged locker room
–– Feared they would release his farting version of Sweet Caroline.
Deez Nuts for President? Why Not, Says Iowa Farm Boy
–– The current field or 15-year-old?
Josh Duggar after Ashley Madison hack: 'I have been the biggest hypocrite ever'
–– 19 mea culpas and counting.
John Green Promotes 24-Year-Old "Virtual Assistant" to Production Partner
–– PDA making six figures.
Jared Fogle NY Post Cover With Prison Rape Joke Incites Media Backlash
–– Editors told to bend over for soap bar and wash mouths out.
Police: Invoking Trump, 2 men beat up homeless man because he is an 'illegal immigrant'
–– Also built wall around Mexican Embassy.
Where’s Tawana Brawley now?
–– Anyone check the dumpster?
Mom upset over school's ban of Confederate flag
–– And prohibition of white sheet uniforms.
‘Fifty Shades of Grey' Sequel Zeroing In on Director
–– Almost has him tied down.
Underwater tunnel a cocaine route
–– In latest slang for coke suppositories.
Sinkhole that killed man reopens
–– Under new management.
Report: Hamas says Israelis used dolphin as spy
–– ‘Just look at the beak on him.’
Is this the missing Nazi train?
–– Thought they always ran on time.
Maker of female libido pill snapped up
–– In latest slang for squirting.
Venezuela’s currency is worth less than napkin
–– Of sanitary variety.
Buffalo Bill's 'Silence of the Lambs' House For Sale
–– With eat-in dying room.
B Is for Broke: Why 'Sesame Street' Is Moving to HBO
–– I is for Irrelevant.
Marco Rubio hit a kid in the face with a football
–– Emulating hero Dick Cheney.
Jared Fogle expected to plead guilty to child porn charges, sources say
–– Accused of paying for grinders.
Palestinian Hunger Striker Flummoxes Israel
–– Flummox on bagel with schmear.
Japanese dare U.S. in robot fight
–– Mechagodzilla vs. Robocop.
Mutant lice are probably coming
–– I can feel them jerking off on my scalp!
Dangerous salt levels in kids' fast food
–– Balanced out by deadly sugar levels.
5 Little known Manson facts
–– 1. Marilyn was Charlie's birth name.
Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte will be made with real pumpkin
–– And synthetic spice.
Tracy Morgan to Return to 'SNL' Following Devastating Car Accident
–– From car wreck to train wreck.
Red Pandas Are Adorable and in Trouble
–– Knocked up by Communist Party boys.
Jon Stewart to Host WWE SummerSlam 2015: Latest Details, Comments and Reaction
–– Will pretend it's Republican debate.
North Korea blasts propaganda audio into South as U.S. military exercises start
–– Kim Jong-un exercise tape.
Woman: I’m married to Jesus
–– Was shotgun wedding.
Pistorius to be freed this week
–– Sprung.
Nearly half of Americans live in areas prone to earthquakes, study says
–– Ooh, I’m shaking in my boots!
ISIS rapist says God approves
–– And likes to watch.
KFC Swaps Colonel Again: Comedian Norm Macdonald Takes Darrell Hammond's Spot
–– Hammond to play Bernie Sanders.
Piers Morgan to Patrick Stewart: You Stole My Life!
–– But returned it when you realized it was worthless.
‘I am Batman,' Trump tells boy on helicopter ride
–– More like batshit.
Captain Jack Sparrow And Han Solo Were Total Bros At The D23 Expo
–– Like Han and Ham Solo.
Fitzpatrick’s familiarity with offense has Jets confident
–– He will mock it.
Ben Carson Stands by Characterization of President Obama as 'Anti-Semitic'
––'Racist', 'Homicidal' and 'Cannibalistic'.
Donald Trump Says He’d Abolish U.S. ‘Birthright Citizenship’
–– Throw 'anchor babies' overboard.
Tom Brady & Ben Affleck: Let's Break Down This Ultimate Bromance
–– Each pretends he's looking in mirror.
Kinberly Novaes Won MMA Title While 12 Weeks Pregnant: Latest Comments, Reaction
–– Republicans' preferred method of birth control.
John Rhys-Davies says Christianity being wiped out
–– By orcs.
Royals: Prince George is No. 1 target
–– Kansas City squad trying to recruit him.
North Korea threatens to attack U.S.
–– And Mars.
Man: Snake is my service animal
–– ‘I have ED.’
Mutilated rhino gets new face
–– Plastic surgeons use Chris Christie as model.
Clinton: GOP 2016 field 'just like Trump without the pizzaz and the hair'
–– And the supposed billions.
THE BRADY BULL
Week of 08/14/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Tom Brady's lawyers throw flag at NFL in court regarding DeflateGate case
–– For fluffing the passer.
Glenn Beck dumbfounded on Trump
–– And pretty much everything else.
DA: Fake MD treated 100 patients
–– For psychosomatic illnesses.
'Modern Family' star Ariel Winter explains breast reduction
–– ‘So, you start with a pair of oversized mammaries, and…’
Dishwasher lost 100 lbs. eating on job
–– Detergent worked as emetic.
’Sesame Street’ to Air First on HBO for Next 5 Seasons
–– Big Bird first character rumored to be killed.
Jenna Bush Hager gives birth to baby girl named Poppy
–– Namesake 91-year-old Grandpa George now known as Poopy.
Taliban Try to Soften Image but Rule With an Iron Fist
–– Will offer free fries with burqas.
DNA test reveals President Warren Harding's affair and love child
–– Nickname was Hard Ding Dong.
44 Rangers hit by lightning
–– Entire practice squad while on ice.
Is the British pub dying? 29 close each week
–– Or just dead drunk?
PM: Japan can't keep apologizing
–– Backs sore from all the bowing.
Toxic fumes hang over blast site
–– Of first Republican debate in Cleveland.
Will Smith Developing Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Reboot: Report
–– Retitled ‘Beat Prince of Bel-Air.’
Tiger Woods asks what we all want to know: 'What the f--k is wrong with you?'
–– For taking the click-bait.
Whole Foods stock cheaper than 6 bottles of asparagus water
–– And smells same when excreted.
This is the oldest living cat
–– Playing bongos in retirement home.
Desperate whale stuns boaters
–– With Free Willy impression.
Airline begins weighing passengers for 'safety'
–– And 'amusement' of ticket agents.
Roger Ailes to Donald Trump: 'We resolve this now...or go to war'
–– A Bore War.
N. Korea's vice premier ‘executed'
–– So to speak.
Spicy foods may help you live longer
–– In the toilet.
Clinton to turn over private server
–– Will hold onto butler, personal maid and footman.
Ryan Seacrest to Host Live Late Night Show at Rio Olympics
–– As grueling sixth event added to pentathlon.
Uggie the Dog, Star of 'The Artist,' Dies at 13
–– Buried with favorite bone.
Bic pens apology for sexist 'Think like a man' Women's Day ad
–– In yellow ink.
What Trump's comb-over can tell you
–– If you ask gently and don’t spook it.
Kerry: 'Very likely' China, Russia read my emails
–– “And were bored shitless.’
Perry stops paying staffers
–– No more Roy Rogers commemorative medallions for now.
Megyn Kelly on Donald Trump Feud: I "Will Not Apologize for Doing Good Journalism”
–– “If I ever do it.”
Columbia House files for bankruptcy
–– Broke record.
Chicken fries to 'make your mouth cry’
–– And taste buds vomit.
6 tiger poachers killed in shootout
–– NRA praises arming of big cats.
Scientists grow monkey arms in lab
–– To fling their feces.
TV Anchor Rants Against Kardashians, Walks Off Set: "I'm Sick of This Family”
–– Wins honorary Peabody Award.
Donald Trump: 'I keep whining and whining until I win’
–– While we’re wincing and wincing.
Japan restarts first nuclear reactor since Fukushima disaster
–– Hoping for 'next Mothra.'
In praise of vinyl records
–– And porkpie hats, plaid shirts and chai-stained beards.
Tennis star fights 'kissing disease’
–– Score: Love all.
Mark Sheeler, Who Battled a Killer Tree in 'From Hell It Came,' Dies at 92
–– Fans rooted for him.
Hillary Clinton dismisses Trump campaign: 'It's entertainment'
–– ‘And I’m loving it!’
Trump’s plan for Islamic State: 'Put a ring around it’
–– With bricks left over from Mexican border wall.
Donald Trump's supporters on Reddit explain why they support Trump — and it's fascinating
–– They know how to type!
Olivia Newton-John's Daughter Chloe Lattanzi Is Completely Unrecognizable: New Transformation Pics!
–– Still!
Was William Shakespeare a stoner?
–– Horse! Horse! My kingdom for some horse!
Donald Trump on Megyn Kelly: 'She should really be apologizing to me'
–– ‘Lady plumbing is not classy.’
Astronauts grow own food
–– In spacesuits.
Target ending sex-based signs
–– Harder for customers to find lubes, vibrators and ass plugs.
Man gets a choice: Marry her or go to jail
–– Must decide if he'd prefer to pitch or catch.
Top Trump campaign aide out
–– Returns to Big Top.
Judge Wants Dr. Luke to Stand Trial Over Breakbeat on Jessie J Hit Song
–– Luke: ‘I shouldn’t have left General Hospital.’
Rupert Murdoch Defends Megyn Kelly in Donald Trump Feud
–– Her nut in shining armor.
RAG RAT
Week of 08/07/15
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump says Fox’s Megyn Kelly had ‘blood coming out of her wherever’
–– 'I mean, hooha we kidding?'
Schumer searches soul on Iran
–– And memos from AIPAC.
North Korea sets clocks back 30 minutes creating its own time zone
–– Currrently: 12:57am, August 7, 1951.
Stephen Colbert to Jon Stewart: "You Were Infuriatingly Good at Your Job"
–– "Just not as good as me."
'Granny Ripper' may have eaten victims
–– But can't even remember what she had for breakfast.
Megyn Kelly drops an anvil on Donald Trump: You've called women you don't like, 'fat pigs,' 'dogs,' and ‘slobs'
–– Calls ones he does something worse: 'Mrs. Trump'.
Cab driver fined for refusing black family, picking up white women instead
–– No fare shake.
Bye-Bye, Brazilian: Women's Personal Grooming Gets Wild and Woolly Again
–– Pedophiles mourn.
Quick! Name the Hotel Where Angelina Jolie Jumped Into the Pool in Her Golden Globes Dress
–– So we can slap you without remorse.
Cecil the Lion’s Brother Comes to Terms With Loss to Become King
–– Denies allegations of aiding Walter Palmer’s guides.
Donald Trump Taking a 'Very Serious Look' at Megyn Kelly Questions After GOP Debate
–– Will have assistant repeat them to him phonetically.
Meet the ’Sloth Lady'
–– Up there, hanging from tree in backyard.
Coast Guard seizes $181 million in cocaine on sub
–– Shaped like giant nose.
Obama defends comparison between Iran hardliners and GOP
–– And apologizes to Iran hardliners.
Lamp post destroyed by urine falls in street, just misses driver
–– Godzilla continues on way.
Kristen Dunst Blames Depression On Pressures Of Hollywood
–– Kirsten Dunst pretty happy about it.
Mother who attacked woman in a parking lot after she told her to shush her crying nephew is jailed for four months in California
–– May go shhtir-crazy.
Donald Sterling Files for Divorce from Estranged Wife Shelly
–– Hopes to clip 'er.
I never met Cecil, but I won't forget the lesson of the lion I did meet in Africa
–– Don’t feed one with your writing hand.
Trump: Mexico will pay for wall because I say so
–– And to keep me out.
Lenny Kravitz Splits Pants Open, Accidentally Exposes Himself in Sweden
–– He was exposed as soon as he started to play.
HBO Now Is Not Profitable Yet
–– HBO Yet is as of now.
Lizard Man struts his stuff in S. Carolina
–– Lindsay Graham unwinds before Republican's 'children's table' debate.
Pope: Embrace the divorced
–– Unless you’re not.
Watch 7-foot grouper knock fisherman off paddleboard
–– Thought only rock stars had such big groupers.
Beware the giant hogweed
–– Smoked at biker rallies.
The Ingredient You Didn't Know You Should Be Adding To Your Steak
–– Your pork.
Giant ocean 'blob' discovered
–– Near Gov. Christie’s summer rental.
Will & Jada Not Splitting
–– And we so hoped they’d leave.
Canada may be in recession, PM says in leaders' debate
–– 'But you can call it summer vacation, eh.'
‘Game of Thrones': Max von Sydow Cast as Three-Eyed Raven
–– Will swap glasses for monocle.
Climate change? They don't buy it: Why does this town have so many climate change deniers?
–– Lead in the water?
U.S.: ISIS as strong as it was before airstrikes but growth halted
–– Seaman on dinghy declares “Mission Accomplished.”
Carly: We Need a Nominee 'Who Is Going to Throw Every Punch’
–– 'No matter how low.'
Pez Candy Animated Movie in the Works
–– New Coke movie trilogy just announced.
Hillary Clinton Campaign Jolted as Joe Biden, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz Consider Runs
–– Which cup of Joe more bitter?
Gwyneth Paltrow: It Wasn't My Idea to Call My Divorce Announcement a "Conscious Uncoupling”
–– I wanted “sentient severance.”
Donald Trump plows ahead in a new poll — but the best news belongs to John Kasich
–– Name spelled correctly for first time.
Attempted Murder Suspect Pulls His Eye Out of Its Socket While In Jail
–– Hard to see why.
Brian Wilson -- Yo, Ronda Rousey ... Want a Piece of Me?
–– Help me Ronda, help, help me, Ronda.
China Demands U.S. Return Executive Tied to Top Leaders
–– With a bow.
Islanders search for MH370 parts
–– In Nassau Coliseum.
Hitchhiker robot beheaded in Philly
–– ISIS claims responsibility.
Protests: 'Breasts are not weapons’
–– Never saw Austin Powers.
Woody Allen says he’s too “lazy” and “middle class” to make good movies
–– OK, but why are they so bad?
How some states limit compensation in wrongful convictions
–– Send hand-woven "Sorry" samplers instead.
Italy seizes $205K from Snoop
–– In weed.
Charles Koch calls for unity against 'corporate welfare'
–– Then laughs heartily at own rich joke.
241 chicken wings in 10 minutes
–– But Joey Chestnut still lost to 8-ft. gator.
Man pets cougar, gets arrested
–– In latest slang for public masturbation.
Rand Paul: Shutdown is not the goal
–– How about shut up?