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Abetting Zoo
Week of 10/04/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mitch McConnell as Bastard Hound refuses to respond to whistleblower2nd Official Is Weighing Whether to Blow the Whistle on Trump’s Ukraine Dealings
–– Just duet.

Mike Pence Tries To Get Away From Trump
–– Who's real vice President.

Mitch McConnell raises money vowing to stop impeachment
–– Then throws fundraiser for Bubonic Plague.

Trump now says both China and Ukraine should investigate Bidens
–– Already has Hercule Poirot on retainer.

Trump calls Democrats' investigations into him 'BULLSHIT'
–– And they're tying fake noose?

House Democrats subpoena White House for Ukraine documents, escalating impeachment probe
–– Into subpenis.

Trump Denies Quid Pro Quo for Ukraine, but Envoys Had Their Doubts
–– ‘Latin is for losers!’

Kurt Volker: Diplomat never 'fully on the Trump train' set to appear as first witness in Ukraine probe
–– When he noticed Lady Liberty tied to tracks.

Texts From Top Diplomat Described ‘Crazy’ Plan to Keep Aid From Ukraine
–– Weren’t fully on Trump crazy train?

Trump Wants to ‘Interview’ Whistle-Blower
–– In latest slang for ‘work over.’

The Impeachment Story Is Simple. Republicans Are Trying To Confuse You.
–– Because they assume you’re simple.

Democrats have a long list of possible witnesses in Trump impeachment inquiry
–– Long as arm of law.

Ukraine’s new chief prosecutor to ‘audit’ Biden case
–– Will sit in on lectures from Giuliani.

Joe Biden answers Donald Trump during campaign event in Nevada: 'I'm not going anywhere'
–– ‘I just stand here in middle of stage quietly until handlers come and take me to the next place.’

Pompeo Admits He Listened In On Trump's Ukraine Call
–– And stands with ear to door when president goes potty.

'Mysterious' packet of Ukraine disinformation arrives on Capitol Hill amid Trump impeachment inquiry
–– State Department forgot to white out Scooby Doo credits.

Rick Perry says he'll cooperate with Congress on Ukraine questions
–– ‘Though ah don’t know too much about Africa.’

Trump Was Repeatedly Warned That Ukraine Conspiracy Theory Was ‘Completely Debunked’
–– Thought it meant it wasn’t put to bed.

Student journalist scores big scoop in Trump-Ukraine story
–– Need big scoop for that poop.

Ex-Ukraine Prosecutor To Giuliani: I Will Not Investigate Bidens For 'An American Official'
–– Unless they bribe nice.

Rudy Giuliani Says He Won't Testify Before House Without Trump's OK
–– Still awaiting OK for bathroom visit.

Giuliani Reportedly Contacted Imprisoned Manafort To Bolster Ukraine Conspiracy Theory
–– And get sense of what his future would be like.

The Guy Who Wrote the Book on Impeachment Says Trump Clears the Bar for Removal from Office
–– Poll vaults.

Lagarde: Impeachment proceedings could disrupt global economy
–– Would be like Mastercard ad: Priceless.

Sean Hannity: Trump Had 'Sworn Duty To Investigate Crimes' On Ukraine Call
–– So he nabbed self?

Republicans Call For A Kavanaugh-Like Strategy In Whistleblower Fight
–– Was there sex tape of Kavanaugh assault?

Trump praises 'honorable' Portman for corroborating Ukraine aid story
–– Thinks he can get away with omerta.

Putin jokes that Russia will meddle in 2020 US elections
–– During set at Moscow’s Laugh Gulag.

Greta Thunberg Mocks Putin in Twitter Bio: 'A Kind But Poorly Informed Teenager'
–– Ssss! Feel the global warming.

Every State Should Monitor Methane to Meet Climate Goals
–– Place sensors by Chipotles, Taco Bells.

'We Got to Start Eating Babies': Ocasio-Cortez Town Hall Hears Bizarre Climate Change Proposal
–– Think of methane afterwards.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to Trump calling her a 'wack job,' by saying it is better than being someone who 'betrays our country'
–– Right, but…

My Community Is Warming Three Times Faster Than the Rest of the Worlåd
–– Aren’t you special!

National Poetry Day: Poems About Climate Change
–– Which will make you want to drown self.

Hear from the reporter who had tense exchange with Trump
–– Which one?!!

Ancient DNA puts Black Death's origin in Russian region
–– Trump trying to prove it started in Ukraine.

Eerie Quiet Settles on Hong Kong as Face Mask Ban Takes Effect
–– You’d hardly recognize place.

Hong Kong Cops Shot Him in the Chest. Now They've Charged This Protester With Rioting.
–– Did get unruly writhing around in public space.

How Trump's 'Maximum Pressure' Iran Policy is Leading the U.S. Into War
–– Should ease up on nuts.

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei Is One Despot Trump Might Not Win Over
–– Doesn't it usually work other way?

New York Mets fire manager Mickey Callaway
–– Call away.

New poll shows conservatives are considering leaving California
–– Every poll shows liberals thrilled.

Furious woman says council worker was 'swinging' her dead cat in plastic bag
–– And there wasn’t enough room.

This bat tunes into raucous frog serenades to locate dinner
–– And then they croak.

Elderly Tennessee Man Protected from Venomous Snake by New Shelter Cat
–– Pops had better not sleep too hard or tabby might dig in.

This Ancient Shark Looked Like an Eel and Swallowed Its Prey Whole
–– Starting with prey hole.

Hepatitis A Outbreaks Flare Up Across U.S.
–– In places not hep b.

Ever wonder what dinosaur meat tasted like? Try eating this bird
–– No and no.

Tiffany Haddish calls out rapper Chingy for denying they hooked up: 'I was definitely in your bed'
–– Can you blame him?

Aaron Carter Hits Back at Drug Accusations By Taking Pee Test
–– In pants on red carpet.

‘Game of Thrones' star Maisie Williams says it 'felt horrible' to have her chest strapped down to play Arya Stark
–– Ouchie booboobs?

Demi Moore Is 'Overwhelmed' That Her Memoir Inside Out Topped New York Times Best Sellers List
–– So are legitimate authors.

Elizabeth Hurley, 54, Gets Her Exercise from ‘Using My Chainsaw’ Instead of Hitting the Gym
–– Toenails do get tough with age.

I Was A Professional Submissive In A Dungeon. Here’s What It’s Really Like.
–– Signed, Melania.

FBI director claims encryption plan would make Facebook a 'dream come true' for child pornographers
–– Fairy tale ending in 'happily ever after.’

Sports Illustrated announces layoffs amid company restructuring
–– New owners not sports.

Botham Jean's brother hugs the former police officer who killed him
–– She shot both brothers?

The problem with always asking black people to forgive
–– Gross generalizations?

Black men make up only 2% of teachers in the US. A group named 'Call Me MISTER' wants to change that
–– Except on TV.

‘The Masked Singer' Panda was revealed to be...
–– Not the least bit embarrassed, incredibly.

Robert De Niro Accused in Sex Bias Suit of Treating Company's Ex-VP as "Office Wife"
–– Not like one of "the Goodfellas?"

‘Mean Girls Day' is here and it's so fetch
–– Fetch a barf bag.

Dads-to-be should stop drinking 6 months before conception for baby's heart health, study says
–– How will they ever get mother into bed?

Trump Suggested Shooting Migrants in Legs to Slow Them Down: NYT
–– Took about right wing.

Trump calls report about wall with alligator-infested moat a ‘total lie’
–– ‘I wanted piranhas!’

Pizza-Making Robotic System Ready For Prime Time, Seattle Firm Says
–– Made with 100% Extra Virgin WD-40.

In Japan and China, robots could soon deliver food to your doorstep
–– Tip them in spare bolts.

The Italian Air Force plans to fly researchers on one of Virgin Galactic’s flights to space
–– To get better look at Spaghetti Nebula.

Universal Character Actor Fired After Making ‘OK’ Hate Symbol Over Shoulder of 6-Year-Old
–– Was playing Despicable Me’s Gru.

Andrew Yang raises $10 million in third quarter
–– Talk about disposable income.

Bernie Sanders Has Surgery for Artery Blockage, Cancels Campaign Events
–– Felt heart Bernie.

Sanders will participate in Democratic debate Oct. 15, says campaign representative
–– We’ll see if heart’s in it.

The Bronx Zoo says a woman who climbed inside its lion exhibit could have been killed
–– Big cat had pity on simple-minded.

Stacey Dash arrested for domestic battery
–– Dash of assault.

Drone finds fugitive living in cave after 17 years on the run
–– Came with NordicTrack.

NFL suspends Vontaze Burfict for the rest of the season
–– There goes Burfict season.

Half of Americans think Trump has been bad for Hispanics, Muslims, African Americans, and women
–– Other half not paying attention.

Fed Expected to Give large Banks a Break on Postcrisis Rules
–– Fed lies.

John Kelly reportedly used to mute the line during calls with world leaders to urge Trump not to discuss sensitive topics
–– Instead of reporting impeachable violations?

Rep. Chris Collins to resign amid plans to plead guilty in insider trading case
–– Needs time to contact caterer, band for big event.

NASA is close to finding life on Mars but the world isn't ready for the discovery, the agency's chief scientist says
–– Should be searching out intelligent life on this planet.

Caster Semenya: 'I cannot be a hero yet because I am not done'
–– ‘Give me some more time in panini press.’

Robert Mugabe buried in a steel coffin encased in concrete as family claims people are 'after his body'
–– Always had irrational fear of horny necrophiliacs.

Bill Clinton and Jeb Bush recall ‘kinder, gentler’ time in U.S. politics
–– And ‘way hotter.’

Hunter shot, killed after friend mistook him for deer in Georgia woods, authorities say
–– Everyone told him wool cap with antlers not funny.

Florida family mourns the loss of hero pit bull, who died protecting their children from a venomous snake
–– Poor snake.

Cairo on lock-down as Egyptian government tries to head off anti-Sisi protests
–– No, they didn’t target homophobes.

String of San Francisco restaurants closing their doors
–– Took out.

Jason Momoa Just Gave a Passionate Speech Against Climate Change
–– Climate change: ‘Uh, thanks Jason, but we’re OK.’

Pope Could Soon Say ‘I Do’ to Married Priests–and Open a Schism
–– Wait, he can wed multiple non-Catholic priests with spouses?

Protesters take to streets in Mexico to demand safe and legal abortions
–– At least take to back alleys.

Man Who Berated Woman Over T-Shirt With Puerto Rican Flag Is Convicted of Hate Crimes
–– Teed off.

Underage customer punches East Village store clerk who refused to sell vape
–– Smoke too soon.

Imran Khan at the UNGA: “There is no such thing as radical Islam”
–– So bin Laden was garden variety?

Ousted Bolton disagrees sharply with Trump's North Korea strategy
–– Strategy?

Lewandowski betters Gerd Muller with record-breaking Bundesliga goalscoring streak
–– So when would he have time to head Trump impeachment war room?

Donald Trump May Have Intervened With Colin Kaepernick's Signing And Fans Are Furious
–– A real knee slapper.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson plans to suspend Parliament again
–– Another suspension of disbelief.

Nigel Farage investigated by police over to 'take knife to the pen pushers' after Brexit
–– Cripple threat.

“I’ve been a model of restraint": UK PM Johnson
–– Like Quasimodo on wheel.

Banksy's 'Devolved Parliament' sells at auction for $12.2 million
–– More Banksy for your buck?

‘Batwoman’ Star Ruby Rose Undergoes Emergency Surgery After Stunt Injury Left Her Facing Paralysis
–– According to Dr. P.R. Hack.

‘Joker’ Has Quiet Los Angeles Premiere Amidst Possible Threats
–– We made up.

Beyoncé Fans Tell Bey to Run After Aaron Carter Reaches Out Amid Downward Spiral
–– Think she can catch reaches out?

Dwayne Johnson & Vin Diesel Have Apparently Ended Their 'Fast & Furious' Feud (Finally)
–– Might appear together on Balders?

‘Fast and the Furious’ Director Rob Cohen Faces Another Sexual Assault Allegation
–– They’re coming …uh …fast and furious.

Jamal Khasoggi’s Murder Haunts Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince
–– Aww!

Saudi King’s Bodyguard Is Killed in ‘Personal Dispute’
–– Could tell they were friends: no dismemberment.

Biden’s Most Formidable Opponent Is Not Another Democrat
–– It’s G. Reaper.

Beto O’Rourke: Buttigieg Opposes Gun Confiscation Because He’s ‘Afraid to Do the Right Thing’
–– DeBetoble.

Amy Klobuchar Reveals She Once Killed A Duck While Playing Golf
–– Cooked it, ate with comb.

Rashida Tlaib's New Campaign T-Shirts Bear Searing Message: 'Impeach The MF'
–– Sneering, really.

Family sues Best Buy after deliveryman allegedly bludgeons, burns customer
–– Bust buy.

He says he became addicted to porn at age 12. This is what he wants parents to know
–– Don’t knock.

Thieves steal 50,000 apples from an Indiana orchard
–– Hope to keep doctor away for next 138 years.

Montana is blanketed in feet of snow and it's not even October yet
–– Seniors in South Florida semi-tumid.

Robert Hunter, Grateful Dead Lyricist, Dies at 78
–– Described as ‘mildly appreciative.’

Jose Jose, Iconic Mexican Crooner, Dies at 71
–– Family confirms middle name Jose.

Jimmy Nelson, Star of the Golden Age of Ventriloquism, Dies at 90
–– Funeral attendees ignore voice emanating from casket.