Texas Sane Chore Massacre
Week of 08/08/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Bringing ‘a gun to a knife fight’ in Texas: Greg Abbott just gave Democrats the gut check they needed
–– Brought lily liver to gut check.
Billy Long out as IRS commissioner after just 2 months
–– Long and short of it.
Padilla on redistricting effort: ‘If Republicans were confident on their policy agenda, they’d be eager to defend it’
–– Like all pols have courage of convictions.
GOP Texas map has Austin residents sharing district with rural Texans 300 miles away
–– Makes for strange Red fellows.
To defeat the Texas gerrymander, Democrats need to go nuclear
–– Sure, bomb Abbott, we’re on board.
Trump adviser defends labor official’s firing, deflects on how data was ‘rigged’
–– By Objective Reality.
Trump Mocked for Firing Stats Boss While Insisting He’s 6’3”
–– And ‘Don Jr.’ is 6.3”.
Trump trade adviser: President has ‘real concerns’ about jobs data after BLS firing
–– Countering his BuLlShit.
Trump will nominate White House economic adviser to vacant Fed board seat
–– Where he’ll evacuate on it.
Top Trump officials discussed Epstein at White House meeting Wednesday night
–– Not a dry seat in house.
‘I was Epstein’s butler for 18 years. There’s no way he killed himself’
–– We totally trust judgment of man so loyal to sociopath.
Lawrence O'Donnell Blasts White House Press Corps For Not Asking Trump About Epstein Enough
–– Of course, how else will we learn…
Trump Just Lost It At Yet Another Reporter Over A "Bullsh*t" Question About Epstein
–– …the truth?
Trump Admin Broke Rules to Move Ghislaine to Club Fed Camp
–– You're not going to tell us secret payoff unlawful, too!
Trump’s Demand to Trading Partners: Pledge Money or Get Higher Tariffs
–– Always the bribe’s made.
Japan Says Trump to Correct ‘Extremely Regrettable’ Error in Tariff Order
–– It’s not spelled Jappan?
Apple CEO Tim Cook’s $100 billion commitment to U.S. manufacturing came with a gift for Trump: a glass ‘Made in USA’ plaque mounted on 24-karat gold
–– Took Apple polishing to a-hole ‘nother level.
Former ‘Superman’ actor Dean Cain says he’s joining ICE ‘ASAP’ to ‘save America’
–– To send Mister Mxyzptlk back to ‘fifth dimension.’
Thousands Of People Are Thinking The Same Thing After The Trump Administration Said That Teenagers Are Now Eligible To Be ICE Agents
–– 'Better than 59-year-old out-of-work actors.'
Kristi Noem Slams ‘South Park’ as ‘Petty’ After Show Mocks Her for Plastic Surgery and Makeup: ‘It’s Always the Liberals’ Who ‘Make Fun of Women for How They Look’
–– Got that right, sister.
Trump Orders Military to Target Foreign Drug Cartels
–– Unless drug lords would consider generous contibutions to Trump Charities, Inc.
An American Team Went to Fight Haiti’s Gangs. Its Mission Ended Badly.
–– Went Port-au-Prince potty.
‘He has trouble completing a thought’: bizarre public appearances again cast doubt on Trump’s mental acuity
–– Problem is thoughts he does complete.
Trump calls in press for ‘major announcement’ in Oval Office - but just spent 5 minutes bragging about his ‘wins’
–– Remember how Biden was constantly doing that?
Harvard president reportedly says he is not considering $500m deal with Trump
–– So rumor rumor about rumor unconfirmed?
Comer: Clintons should think ‘long and hard’ about defying subpoena
–– Something Comer’s never done.
White House Whiffs With Trump’s ‘Winning’ Golf Score Brag
–– Caddie slack.
Laura Loomer testified that Bill Maher’s joke about her sleeping with Trump torpedoed her chance at White House job
–– Real joke’s Trump could service her.
Inside Laura Loomer’s rise: ‘Obsessive’ research, Oval Office visits
–– Has memorized every Trump scent.
Candace Owens claims Trump warned her off specious Brigitte Macron trans claim: ‘I’ve seen her up close’
–– And he’s had share of girly-boy hookers.
EPA administrator defends administration’s move to revoke 2009 finding pollution endangers human health
–– Between hits on Trump’s tail pipe.
Civil Cases Against Major Polluters Plummet Under Trump
–– This week in ‘Well, I’ll Be… .’
Kennedy Cancels Nearly $500 Million in mRNA Vaccine Contracts
–– One for each brain cell worm ate.
It Sure Looks Like Republicans Edited This Birthday Photo of JD Vance
–– Doesn’t he know America loves fat slob?
JD Vance’s team ordered the water levels in Ohio to be raised so he would have ‘ideal kayaking conditions’, report claims
–– Or did tubby just displace millions of gallons?
Doge staffer ‘Big Balls’ beaten in brutal attempted carjacking
–– Busting ‘Balls.’
Trump threatens to take federal control of DC after ex-DOGE employee attacked
–– So army can rough up out-of-work Federal workers.
Pete Hegseth looking to bring back Army’s aggressive ‘Shark Attack’ practice as he slams ‘woke’ training: report
–– Pumping millions into new Office of Cool Names.
–– Should've used plain-old Mr. Sandman.
Trump Tells Purple Heart Recipients: ‘It Wasn’t That Easy for Me Either’
–– Dodging all those incoming draft notices.
New York governor hits back at Ted Cruz after trolling her for wearing headscarf at NYPD officer’s funeral
–– Could he wear hijab as gag?
Miss United States Says GOP Rep Threatened To Release Nude Images Of Her After Breakup
–– Rep short for Reptile.
Israel plans to take over Gaza City to pressure Hamas. Worries rise for civilians and hostages
–– Why, is there some non-Haredi Netanyahu hasn’t yet alienated?
Germany, long opposed to E.U. pressure on Israel, suspends arms shipments
–– Stiffing Jews does provide certain frisson.
Russian Nuclear Submarine Base Was Damaged in Quake, Satellite Images Show
–– This week in ‘F**k ‘em.’
Trump doubles reward to $50 million for arrest of Venezuela's president to face US drug charges
–– The Equalizer buys plane ticket to Caracas.
Elon Musk awarded $30 billion in bid to keep him at Tesla for years
–– Today's price for maintaining losing streak.
OpenAI Aims to Stay Ahead of Rivals With New GPT-5 Technology
–– In race to drag civilization to depths of Hell.
New York Post to Launch Los Angeles Daily Newspaper, The California Post
–– Move justified by size of fishing industry, number of heads need wrapping.
Robert Thomson, CEO Of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, Waggishly Notes That Donald Trump Is Among Authors Hurt By “Blatant Theft” Of AI: “The Art Of The Deal Has Become The Art Of The Steal”
–– Garbage in, garbage out.
Pamela Anderson reacts to Sylvester Stallone denying he once offered her a Porsche and condo to date him
–– Insists car was used, apartment was rental.
George Clooney Says ‘I Don’t Give a S—‘ If People Think ‘I Only Play Myself,’ Defends Adam Sandler as Great Actor: ‘Don’t Talk to Him Like He’s Just a Goofy Comedian’
–– We don’t give a s––, you do, he is.
Noah Baumbach Had a ‘Quiet Crisis’ After ‘White Noise’ Didn’t Take Off
–– We had noisy one before exiting 15 minutes in.
Sharon Stone on why she didn’t cut ‘Basic Instinct’ crotch shot despite having ‘legal right’ to
–– Split decision.
Chappell Roan Says Her Second Album ‘Doesn’t Exist Yet’: ‘It’s Probably Going to Take at Least Five’ Years
–– Or time it took Beatles to release 9 (’63-’67.)
Willem Dafoe on Playing a Billionaire in ‘The Birthday Party’ and Not Being Afraid to Get Naked
–– You're trying to get us to read with his 70-year-old bare butt?
Greg Gutfeld Hugs Jimmy Fallon and Plugs His Game Show in Fox News Host’s First Late-Night Crossover
–– Gut felt sick.
Disney, Lucasfilm Settle Lawsuit From Gina Carano Over ‘Mandalorian’ Firing
–– Because they knew, unlike every other female warrior, she really could kick their ass.
James Cameron: ‘I’ve Justified’ Only Making ‘Avatar’ Movies for the Last 20 Years on the Basis They ‘Can Do Some Good,’ Not Just Make Money
–– Jim, we have some bad news for you…
Denise Richards’ daughter Sami Sheen claims she ‘almost got sex-trafficked’ while hanging out with friends
–– Insists she’s saving self for OnlyFans.
Mario Lopez 'Completely Lost It' At Cheerleader Suing Him During Explosive Court Appearance
–– This week in ‘Stirring World’s Tiniest Pots.’
’Evita’ Star James Olivas on Taking the Show to Broadway, That Infamous Balcony Scene and the “Manufactured Outrage” Directed at Rachel Zegler
–– She sloppily slapped together much of it herself.
Ice Cube’s ‘War of the Worlds’ Film Has a 0% Rating on ‘Rotten Tomatoes’ & Cube’s Son Is Weighing In
–– Argues for negative number scores.
Seth Rogen Admits He Was Tripping on Mushrooms During His Marc Maron Podcast Interview
–– What was he on when he co-conceived, wrote, directed witless The Studio?
Macaulay Culkin Confirms His ‘Home Alone’ Stunt Double Was a ‘Very Short 30-Year-Old Man’ in Rare Interview | Video
–– As was Joe Pesci’s.
Pete Davidson Says the ‘SNL50’ Audience Was ‘Terrible’: ‘It’s Just Famous People, and Famous People Only Like Themselves’
–– C'mon, Pete, do you like self?
Jay Blades, Host of BBC Series ‘The Repair Shop,’ Charged With Two Counts of Rape
–– In a fix.
Sean Combs Wants to Counsel Abusers. His Accusers Object
–– On how to beat rap.
Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver Fighting in ‘Marriage Story’ Is Being Used by the USDA to Scare Off Wolves and Save Cattle: ‘They Need to Know Humans Are Bad’
–– Also used to scare off acting students at Juilliard.
Michelle Gomez responds to backlash over “Harry Potter” casting: 'I understand why this is painful'
–– ‘But I needed the job.’
’MJ the Musical’ Star Jamaal Fields-Green on the ‘Huge Responsibility’ of Playing Michael Jackson on Stage: ‘I Have No Choice but to Continuously Perfect the Craft’
–– Of hitting on young boys?
Leonardo DiCaprio Is Making The Internet Question Everything After He Was Spotted Boarding Jeff Bezos' Mega Yacht
–– The Internet should just shoot self.
The secret behind JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy's timeless style
–– Death.
Knives Out: Celebrities Reveal Plastic Surgery Secrets — But One Procedure Still Taboo
–– The Brandi Granville.
Katt Williams Will Be an On-Course Correspondent for PGA Tour Playoffs Event (Exclusive)
–– What game needs: putt-ugly humor.
Sparks coach Lynne Roberts calls out fans after another sex toy is thrown onto the court: 'It's ridiculous'
–– Fans dicking around.
Who Will Be the Next Air Bud? Nationwide Search for a Star Golden Retriever Begins
–– So if your dog really dribbles…
Labubu Who? Disney Capitalizes on Bag Charm Craze With Their Own Japanese Plush Toys
–– Western culture experiencing infanting death syndrome.
What’s really depressing America’s young men
–– Have eyes, ears?
Men are struggling to find love. Here’s why.
–– Inflation hit sex work.
The One Quality Most ‘Super-Agers’ Share
–– Luck.
The Trouble With French Fries Is Not the Oil
–– What ‘munch, munch’ trouble?
What makes the Mediterranean diet so healthy
–– Though Greece is 32nd in world for life expectancy.
The end of high cholesterol stars here
–– Thank god, a shot rather than a salad!
Baby’s dramatic reaction to first hibachi restaurant experience goes viral
–– Crowd amazed he could dice that many shrimp with rattle.
A strange syndrome linked to cannabis use is on the rise
–– But can’t for life of us remember what it is.
I Got My Penis Injected with Filler to Add Girth, and My Wife Can’t Get Enough
–– At least I think that’s what she’s mumbling.
Italy gives final go-ahead for landmark Sicily bridge project
–– Godfather made offer they couldn't refuse.
American journalist found after going missing on hike in Norwegian national park
–– Nor way!
New Zealand woman arrested after toddler found in suitcase on bus
–– With no snacks!
Man Dies After Going to Turkey for a Hair Transplant at a Clinic Frequented by Celebrity Clients
–– Did go out with beautiful waddle.
Hoover man arrested after traveling to have sex with child in Limestone County
–– In bumper car!
Dad Went to See Days-Old Daughter in the Hospital So She Wouldn’t Feel 'Alone.' He Died in Crash on His Way Home (Exclusive)
–– And the moral of story?
Tennessee plans to execute inmate amid concerns his heart implant will shock him repeatedly
–– Well, not that often.
Tennessee quadruple murder case has 'sinister overtones,' former FBI official says
–– Four dead not sinister enough?
Newly released information and 911 calls reveal mother’s concerns about Manhattan gunman’s mental health issues
–– And government’s lack of concern about lunatics owning deadly weapons.
The Owl Bar was the place where everybody knew your name. Then, a familiar face walked in – and opened fire
–– No ‘Who? Who?’
Scientists say they’ve solved the mystery of starfish that turn to goo
–– Already tried hair gel.
Scientists say they have solved the mystery of what killed more than 5 billion sea stars
–– Synchronized swimming will never be same.
Texas Aquarium Defends Octopus After It Left 6-Year-Old Boy Covered in Bruises— and Claims Mom 'Leaned' Him Over Barrier
–– Sounds like reach.
Kyrie Irving Says It's 'Weird' Bill Gates Owns So Much Land and Water — 'He Owns the Majority of the Water in the U.S....I Think That's Weird'
–– So does Sanity.
Kelly Osbourne Shares Heartbreaking Update After Ozzy Osbourne's Death
–– He’s still dead.
Production Manager at Jacob’s Pillow Is Killed in ‘Tragic Accident,’ Center Says
–– Head laid to rest.
Ion Iliescu, who led Romania after the fall of communism, dies at 95
–– Ion fux.
Popular 1980s actor Loni Anderson of the hit TV series ‘WKRP in Cincinnati’ has died
–– KRPs out.
