WHAT NOT 2014-2016
WHAT NOT 2012-2013
WHAT NOT 2009-2011
WHAT NOT 2005 2

Heavy Mattel
A Doll's House of Horrors

EL SEGUNDO, CA –– The massive recall of potentially dangerous toys by Mattel, Inc. took a bizarre and tragic turn as one of the company's superstars took her own life in an apparent response to the scandal. Two weeks after recalling 1.5 million Chinese-made Fischer-Price toys because of lead-paint dangers, the toy titan announced it was breaking the hearts of another 18 million kiddies worldwide by recalling a wide range of toys due to the presence of powerful, though teeny-tiny, magnets that posed a potential swallowing hazard. Toys included Polly Pocket, Batman and the "scooper" accessory for Barbie and her loose-boweled pooch, Tanner.

Barbie, already suffering menopausal mood swings and allegedly distraught over her best friend Midge's recent drug bust, reportedly "snapped" upon hearing the news of the recall. She stole a rifle from G.I. Joe's locker while he was away on duty in Fallujah, and blew out the section of her molded head where a brain would have been. Officials at Mattel expressed "profound regret" and vowed to honor her memory by overhauling their safety procedures, and by issuing a commemorative Big Sleep Barbie Play Set. The "before" edition is pictured here.

Other Mattel characters, including Elmo and Dora the Explorer, are being offered grief counselling although the tragedy really hasn't sunk in yet, mostly due to the effects of lead poisoning.

Barbie's desperate act mirrors the response of shamed Cheung Shu-hung, a co-owner of the Lee Der Industrial in southern China that was blamed for using the banned lead paint. As Western companies increasingly deal with Asian suppliers they might learn from their example in the face of dishonor. Inspired by the recent self-inflicted death of Japan's disgraced Agriculture Minister, Matsuoka Toshikatu, Stanford School of Business is expected to offer an ethics course this fall entitled Seppuku and You which argues that career suicide is sometimes best for corporate culture, the greater good, and the bottom line.

Poo Poo Plotters
Federal Authorities Issue Foiler Alert

WASHINGTON, DC –– As details emerged concerning the plot of a Guyanese/Trinidadian/Skid Row terror cell to devastate John F. Kennedy Airport in Queens, New York by blowing up a gas pipeline, Federal authorities have decided to release information on several other recently-uncovered conspiracies. U.S. Attorney Roslyn Mauskopf characterized the potential devastation of the JFK scheme as "unthinkable", probably because no one but a crazy 63-year-old former baggage handler and homeless man like Russell Defreitas could have dreamed it up, but officials insist that Americans will involuntarily void their bowels when they're alerted to these other doozies.

Iraq to the Future –– Seeking to bolster the case for his Iraq debacle, George W. Bush continues to provide ex post facto justifications for a preemptive war. Documents recovered by US troops from the fourteenth number two insurgent leader killed this month, show that deceased al-Qaeda in Iraq Chief Adu Musab al-Zarqawi may have been receiving instructions directly from Osama bin-Laden as early as 2001 via a crude, but effective, time machine.

The purported device, which is said to look a bit like Alladin's lamp, allowed the terror chief to transport himself across time and space to deliver insidious instructions and share his 9/11 plans. It is assumed he could also have visited Saddam himself and received a small check to help fund the World Trade Center attack. The current whereabouts of this fantastic contraption are unknown, but it has been classified as a WMD and is being sought.

The al-Chiquita Network –– Admissions by Chiquita Brands International that they paid terrorists about $1.7 mil for protection in a volatile farming region of Colombia, has the DEA joining forces with the CIA and the Jane Goodall Institute to prevent attacks in the U.S. by narco-terrorist-primates. Although the food giant has already paid $25 million in fines, the nexus of anti-American sentiment, coca and bananas has agents fearing that drug-crazed leftist chimps could enter the U.S. hidden in Chiquita container vessels and wreak havoc in port cities. "Have you ever seen a chimp on crack?," asks Karen P. Tandy, DEA head (in the non-doper sense), "J. Fred Muggs it is not."

The Waziristani Candidate –– The uncanny similarity between the names Osama and Obama (one freakin' letter's difference!) prompted the FBI to probe allegations that the Democratic presidential candidate from Illinois may have at one time been a prisoner of terror mastermind bin Laden. Insiders insist that bin Laden has seen the film The Manchurian Candidate (the original –– even madmen have taste) and might have been inspired to secretly abduct his near-namesake during a Middle East junket, spirit him off to his lair in northwestern Pakistan and brainwash him.

Analysts reason that the process wouldn't have taken too long in the case of the left-leaning Obama, and they assume that his current campaign is the central element of a fiendish stratagem to put an al-Qaeda operative into the White House. It will also provide a persuasive explanation if Obama were to ultimately run on the bottom of a ticket with Hillary Clinton and if something unfortunate were to happen to her.

Summer of Sham
Nation Succumbs to Sequelitis

WASHINGTON, DC –– Even as Hollywood trots out third installments of several tentpole franchises this summer –– Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, The Bourne Supremacy, Rush Hour 3–– it's threepeat time and beyond in our nation's capital. Coming soon to a government complex near you:

The Wolfowitz Calamity –– He damaged U.S. credibility, squandering untold lives and dollars with the Iraq War. He crippled our reputation with his scandalous checks for sex shenanigans at the World Bank. Now, he utterly devastates America's prestige as he replaces US Ambassador to the UN Zalmay Khalilzad (after paying him for "certain favors") and finishes the work of former Ambassador John Bolton by removing the top ten floors of UN headquarters with and IED.

Wolf at the Door 3 –– After James Wolfensohn and Paul Wolfowitz, the Bush Administration searches for a successor with a vaguely lupine name to head the World Bank, offering the position to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Law and Order producer Dick Wolfe, and Marvel superhero, Wolverine.

McCain: 2008 –– 2000 –– sand-bagged by race-baiters in South Carolina. 2004 –– "Swift boated" when asked to run as Kerry's first mate. 2008 –– stumble-bummed as he hitches his star to the troop surge in Iraq. America's favorite POW is Wow! in his latest comedy caper.

Gonzo Tres –– In an effort to compete with the popular sado-cinema of the Saw series, Alberto Gonzalez will follow his terror-filled turns as a torture-teaching Presidential Counsel and as Torquemada General of the Justice Department with his horrifying new role as Commandant of the Gitmo Prison Camp. He will have a bigger rack than Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS and, oh yes, there will be blood.

Hillraiser III –– Hill raised Bill in 1992 and again in 1996 and now the HillBilly Trilogy comes to a head (without a blue dress), as the desperate former First Wife attempts to make her story history.

An Extremely Inconvenient Truth: Emission Impossible –– As Al Gore attempts to match the breadth of Michael Moore's success along with the girth of his waistline he plans to release this sequel to his own eco-shockumentary and follow it up with a third focusing on ozone layer depletion, to be called An Un-effin'-believably Inconvenient Truth: The Hole's on a Roll.

Live Free, Die Hard & Leave a Beautiful Corpse –– Following in the tread marks of Bruce Willis' tired terrorist-fighting cop John McClane, the Pentagon extends it's wildly unpopular Iraq War Pentalogy to see if the public can be persuaded to plunk down another $100 billion.

Ho No!
Corporations Shocked, Shocked Over Jock

NEW YORK, NY –– Ur-shock jock Don Imus' show was cancelled by CBS Radio and its televised simulcast axed by MSNBC after the two media monoliths' management teams tuned in the program for the first time. It was the concerted, selfless efforts of the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, citing Imus' demeaning reference to the Rutgers women's basketball team, that alerted the conglomerates to the offensive nature of the broadcast they had carried for over 10 years in the relatively obscure morning drive time slot.

Eight days after the utterance of the racist and sexist (and tonsorial) slur, "nappy-headed hos", CBS CEO Les Moonves expressed spontaneous "revulsion" at the jibe. He added that he had experienced "primal disgust" at the prospect of meeting with Rev. Sharpton, "horripilation" at the threat of major advertisers pulling ads from his network and "the dry heaves" at having to make a decision on Imus' fate. Having clearly suffered as much as the offended young women, Moonves moved beyond his original decision of a two-week suspension when he was made aware by the holy men that the host was not Dave Garroway, but Satan. Though he himself might have appeared on the broadcast, there was no way he could have known that the show's content consisted of probing interviews with leading politicians, badinage with celebrated authors, sport-related diversion, cultural rotomantade, and fag jokes.

The combination of salon and saloon, Rambeau and Sambo, Dice-K and Dice Clay, Algonquin Round Table and Mohegan Sun Craps Table also confused Steve Capus, News President of MSNBC (MS for MicroSoft, referring to its ratings). He felt the coarseness of Mr. Imus' "joke" was inconsistent with the journalistic standards typified by his near network's Doc-Blocks, which proudly feature "documentaries" like The Vampire Killings, Lock-up: Miami-Dade, The Hitman Tapes, and Predator Raw: the Unseen Tapes. Imus would likely still be on MSNBC if he had abused young people physically instead of verbally.

Having been awakened to the hate speech he had unwittingly peddled when the former Cocaine Cowboy tried talking ghetto to get a cheap laugh, Mr. Moonves can at least be proud of the image of young women of color his parent company projects elsewhere. He could sample Busta' Rhymes celebration of his bitch's dope back on Atlanta's V-103, the pneumatic hos of BET's Rap City videos, the enterprising career girlz of I Love New York on VH1 or the plus-size skank of Paramount's Eddie Murphy romp, Norbit. If he had a radio or a TV or a movie ticket, that is.

Judge Dread
White House Sought Out-of-Court Settlement of Scores

WASHINGTON, DC –– Like an electrified clamp on an enemy combatant's left testicle, the pressure on Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to resign has intensified in the wake of revelations concerning the firing of eight U.S. prosecutors. As is often the case in the Capitol, it is not the initial illegal act that has spurred the outrage, but rather the lies told in a clumsy attempt to conceal it. It's not the outing of a CIA agent, but the alibiing of an NBC anchor, not the break-in by plumbers, but the cover-up by bumblers, not the blow job, but the blown smoke. Seeing how unconcerned Congress is about breaking the law so long as one doesn't say one didn't, it's a wonder scandalistas don't simply cop to all allegations and check into rehab for a week to hold onto their jobs.

New e-mail evidence that hints at a conspiracy to inject politics into the wider world of judicial processes threatens to condemn AG Gonzalez to solitary confinement in the footnote Gitmo of the Bush presidency's sorry-ass history. An e-mail from Karl Rove to Gonzalez from January, 2005 following up on the suggestion that all 93 U.S Attorneys be let go (and have their gavels woodchipped and their robe dry-cleaning allowances slashed) adds a list of other possible candidates for replacement by "loyal Bushies." Although there is a gap of 20 or more e-mails in the subsequent correspondence, attributed to the work of top FBI technicians who figured out that e-mails can be removed from one's inbox and erased from servers so that they won't later be subpoenaed by Congressional subcommittees, the surviving messages detail a disturbing pattern.

Looking to affect the outcome of a race far bigger than any midterm election, the DOJ was looking to swap out soft-on-rock American Idol arbiters Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell with former Republican Congressman J.C. Watts and Fox News' snippy Shepard Smith. Paula Abdul was considered too incoherent to be a threat, although it was suggested that her dosages be upped. The Dancing With the Stars panel was discussed, but let stand because the old British loon "looks like Margaret Thatcher's husband" and the zany Italian "has a comforting Fascist air about him." As for another popular TV tribunal, Gonzalez wrote, "Get rid of all deviants on america'snext top model except for heidi kloom that big beuatiful blonde milf...mother and let marines back from Iraqjudge as a reward."

Other bruited ousters included the presumably left-leaning Amy Brenneman by the former Everyone Loves Raymond (and George W.-loving) co-star Patricia Heaton in the courtroom drama, Judging Amy. An e-mail written after Harriet Miers withdrew from consideration for the Supreme Court bench, outlines a plan to unseat Judge Judy, and have the less-qualified White House mouthpiece take her place in the daytime docket. Ann Coulter was proposed as Judge Marilyn Milian's stand-in on The People's Court which would change it's vaguely pinko name to The Conservative's Court and hear cases of liberals who lose relatives in terrorist attacks only to scam the government.

At one point Rove wrote, "god I hate Fast Times atRidgemont High, not jest Saen Penn, but that tall gooff. Can we get Universal to digtally remove Judge Rienhold and insert a young Dennis Milller?" A digital switch was also sought for liberal Paul Newman in The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, with Tom Selleck a likely right-wing replacement and plans were underway to have Charlton Heston sub for Christopher Lloyd as Judge Doom and reveal not just Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, but who ultimately tried, convicted and executed the furry little bastard.

Go Sell the Spartans
Army Recruiters Coax Cannon Fodder

WASHINGTON, DC –– Impressed with its boffo first week's gross of $70 mil and titillated by its condemnation by Tehran, the Pentagon has adopted the movie 300 as the basis for its 2007 Army Recruiting Campaign. A heavily-digitized adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book treatment of the 480 BC Battle of Thermopylae, which pitted 300 stalwart Spartans against a much larger Persian force, the film combines a stirring sense of bloodlust with an utter lack of historical accuracy. An enthusiastic General Petraeus, commander of Multinational Force Iraq, is said to have wet his pants at a preview.

"We want to instill that sense of blind patriotic fervor in the young men and women we're recruiting," offered Pete Geren, the new Acting Secretary of the Army. "Those Spartans understood the meaning of sacrifice in what some wusses would call a lost cause. We'll make their motto, our motto –– I tan i epi tas. That translates as With It or On It, referring to their shields, as in come back victorious or dead. Rather than come back wounded or disabled at the tax payer's expense, thank you very much." Mr. Geren replaces Francis J. Harvey who stepped down because too few soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan had gotten that message and selfishly overwhelmed the VA hospital system.

Eric Keshin of McCann Erickson Worldwide, which holds the $200+ mil a year US Army advertising contract, evinced enthusiasm for this "enhancement" of his agency's Army Strong campaign. "We've been looking for the right 'voice' for that manly slogan –– in my head it was always the Hulk or, at least, Hulk Hogan grunting "Army Strong, grrrr", y'know? But if we can get Gerry Butler as King Leonidas, with his loincloth and bitchin' six-pack, bellowing it and then cutting to WIth It or On It in blood red Futura Extra Bold with like a dripping/shimmery effect? Whoa, mama!"

The Army reached its recruitment goal of 80,000 early in 2006 by lowering the IQ requirements for enlistees (300 could denote the average SAT score), waiving various criminal offenses (knowing how to score skag can only be a plus in Afghanistan), and offering bigger bonuses (now recruits can have that handicapped van with custom detailing waiting when they get home.) Although Army brass intends to approach comix artists like Miller to adapt other hopeless military campaigns as heroic slaughter-fests against dusky devils, there is concern that the falling academic standards might make so-called graphic novels too challenging for the Fanboys in Company C. "We're looking to celebrate Custer's courage at Little Big Horn in Stand and Jim Bowie's deathbed defiance of Santa Anna in Mo and those British troops holding off the Zulu in South Africa in 139, but we might have to go straight to video," suggested Gen. E.C. Blurb, Commander of the Army's new ComicComm. "Of course we're covering the gaming front for PS3 and Wii with 3000, the story of the valiant Americans fallen in Iraq through 2006."

Joint Chiefs Head Gen. Peter Pace, who recently got into hot water for stating that homosexual acts are immoral when asked about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, applauded 300 for handling the "gays in the military" issue so delicately. "Even if the real Spartan soldiers played Disappear the Spear when they were training their young men, the movie sensibly draws a line between the straight, white heroes and the bent, dark enemy. The Persian King Xerxes looks like Grace Jones at the Stonewall –– like I'd know –– and that's what has Ahmadinejad and his Iranian cronies up in arms. Hollywood has always been our biggest promoter, pitching the glory of war to the young and impressionable –– if we can combine that with fear of the queer, then we're getting somewhere."

Nothing Sacred
Documentaries to Debunk World Religions

SILVER SPRING, MD –– Since launching Titanic, history's highest-grossing film, James Cameron has spent ten years photographing fish in 3D before latching onto the yarn of a 2,000-year-old tomb that purportedly contains the coffins of Jesus and his family (including JC Jr.) If the identities of those interred could be pseudo-scientifically established it would refute the Gospel accounts of Christ's resurrection and undermine the central dogma of the Christian faith. Cameron's documentary, The Burial Cave of Jesus, has understandably irked devout Christians, reputable archaeologists and discerning filmgoers who still cringe when they hear My Heart Will Go On. The publicity-generating controversy has convinced executives at Discovery Channel, which aired the film, to engage several famed showmen to discredit the origins of other world religions. A press release for the upcoming series, entitled Slap My Faith, includes blurbs for these exposés:

The Rama Plot –– Oliver Stone examines long-buried Vedic texts that outline a successful plot to assassinate Lord Sri Rama and replace him on the throne with an impostor. Conspiracy scholars cast suspicion on his archenemy Ravana, his wife Sita, brother Lakshmana and operatives from the CIA.

Sol Almighty –– Woody Allen traces the life of Sol, described in parchments discovered near the Dead Sea that date to the 3rd Century BCE as The One True Messiah promised to the Chosen People. His mother, however, insisted Sol get a real job. He died of a bleeding ulcer at age 33 after a career in divorce litigation.

Lord of the Wedding Rings –– Peter Jackson recreates the state of Utah in Wellington, New Zealand to reveal this shocking story of Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. In letters located in the Provo trailer of an unnamed Osmond, that are believed to be written in Smith's own hand, the sect's founder is said to reveal that mandating polygamy was "just a way to get back at those guys who always beat me at poker."

I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha –– Ang Lee pans and scans startling scrolls unearthed in Nepal's Himalayan foothills that suggest Siddhartha Gautama was actually an extremely pushy guy with ADHD who owned a bar called Nirvana. He would sit under the Bodhi tree in a "meditative state" only when thoroughly intoxicated.

Dude, Where's My Thetan? –– Michael Moore takes on Hollywood's power-broker Scientologists when he uncovers an early draft of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics, bearing its original title Dietetics, and explores, in endless interviews, the theory that it was really intended as a weight-loss program for middle-aged film stars.

The Allah Code –– A former second unit director on Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl has bravely agreed to pursue the heretical revelations contained in a 6th Century manuscript discovered in Medina, Saudi Arabia. It calls into question the Prophet Muhammad's ... Discovery Channel regrets that it will be unable to broadcast this documentary and extends our management's condolences to the family of a former second unit director on Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Run LOL Run
White House Hopefuls Scramble to Fill Coffers

WASHINGTON, DC –– With over twenty months remaining before Americans go to the polls and choose their next President, candidates have already scurried to the campaign starting line. Whether one compares the 2008 contest to a 600-day episode of The Amazing Race with more shameless contestants or to an 86-week-long NASCAR event on a 1,000,000-mile track with more dishonest pit crews, it is certain that the amount of money that will be spent on this marathon could have sent Neil Armstrong to Jupiter and back.

It's estimated that a minimum war chest of $100,000,000 is required to wage a viable Presidential campaign or, as in the case of a Mike "Sucka" Huckabee, to alert more than 100 Americans that you are attempting to do so. As more candidates eschew public funding, the onerous task of fund-raising begins earlier and earlier in the election cycle (for Hillary Clinton, at her 2nd Grade Bake Sale in Park Ridge, IL) and demands more imaginative means to dodge flimsy campaign finance laws.

Republican frontrunner John McCain, lusting after Religious Right collection plates, will enlist the prophetic Pat Robertson as his Chief Fundamentalist Raiser. He is also expected to have an aide "discover" the image of the Virgin Mary in a skin lesion on his forehead and charge admission to those faithful moved to touch it. Rudolf Giuliani has struck a deal with 7-Eleven Inc. to rename their convenience markets 9-Elevens until November '08, to both honor those lost on that fateful day and to commemorate the heroic leadership of "America's Mayor". Hizzoner will receive a portion of the proceeds from the new Rudy Raspberry Slurpeeanee.

Massachusetts' Mitt Romney will try to shake the liberal stigma of Boston as he shakes down disillusioned neocons with a Rummy's Kids Labor Day Telethon for MDA (the Military Dysfunction Association.) Far-right long shot Sam Brownback of Kansas will attempt to shed the vaguely pederastic implications of his last name by changing it to Greenback, and selling chances at VFW halls on how few votes he'll receive in the Vermont primary.

Barack Obama will seek to trade on his rock star status, taking up the mantle of a fallen James Brown on a national Obamarama concert tour. He will be joined by The Dixie Chicks, Bruce Hornsby, Sheryl Crow, and, to bolster his street cred, Johnny Mathis. An upbeat musical version of his life, Obama Mia!, is scheduled to open in most Super Tuesday states this November.

A well-endowed Hillary Clinton looks to raise the quid pro quotient by calling in every political favor she's ever earned (even if it means sending recalcitrant allies video-taped "reminders" that were shot in the Lincoln bedroom.) She's also enlisting her #1 debtor to secretly drum up hard cash with a string of XXX websites based on his scandalous past including,, and

John Edwards will attempt to capitalize on the confusion between his name and that of the psychic medium John Edward by soliciting massive cash donations –– not covered by campaign finance laws –– from the deceased relatives of lonely old widows who find his mole "cute". Formerly full-figured Bill Richardson of New Mexico is betting on diet-craze dollars with his new Santa Fe Diet book and the unseating of Kirstie Allie as spokesblimp for Jennie Craig. East Coast Senatorial "liberals" Biden and Dodd will attempt to crack the South by mounting a pay-per-view debate on a Jefferson Davis National Day of Remembrance in Georgia billed as the Filibusta in Augusta.

Surge and Destroy!
White House Reinvents War!

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Happy Noose Year!
Hussein Hanging Gets 2007 Off to Swinging Start

BAGHDAD, Iraq –– Like a premature Times Square Ball Drop, Saddam Hussein's plunge through the gallows trapdoor kicked off the New Year's Eve celebrations early this year. As his lifeless body (clad in a smart black single-breasted coat with matching neckerchief) danced at the end of the hangman's rope, jubilant revelers around the world broke into celebratory jigs. Naked bloodlust mixed with a wonderful new sense of global security to buoy partygoers from Sadr City to Crawford, Texas.

It was Shi'ia delight for Iraq's majority Muslims. Amidst the din of car bomb noisemakers, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki pointed to the hanging as evidence that his government could "execute its duties, as well as its enemies." Resisting the urge to have Saddam's skull delivered to him to be worn as a party hat, the Dawa Party Poobah stressed the need to reach out to the deceased leader's Sunni followers. "We will extend a lifeline to our countrymen adrift in the sands of insurrection, a strong rope with a life preserver attached," offered al Maliki, wearing a tee shirt that read "I Choked Linda Lovelace...and Saddam". "They can choose to place it safely around their waists or we shall secure it snugly around their necks. It is the choice between a warm Baath and a bloodbath."

In Tehran, the normally abstemious Mullahs broke out the bubbly for only the second time since the Islamic Revolution (the first was in 2003, when the US invaded Iraq.) President Ahmadinejad hoisted a glass of Sparkling Pink Champagne and proclaimed his Government's sincere wishes to make a toast of Saddam. "To literally toast his stinking dead carcass over coals, drag it to Qum via flatulent camel and feed the remains to infidel vultures," offered the lighthearted Roast Master.

Though EU sourpusses in Brussels slammed the necktie party as "barbaric", Russia's President Putin, a one-time ally of Saddam's, saluted the well-hung hate-monger with a special Polonium-21 Cocktail and a heart-felt Nazdarovya! Venezuela's Hugo Chavez sent condolences to the Hussein clan along with a request for a memento –– that cool beret he wore when he invaded Kuwait. Former Axis of Evil co-despot Kim Jiang-Il cursed "the US terrorists" who hunted him down, while claiming that Saddam had Fedexed him his WMD while residing in his spider hole. When told of the fate of that other Most Wanted Dictator, Cuba's debilitated Presidente Fidel Castro simply replied, "Que?"

In the US, President Bush invited Dick Clark to his Crawford ranch to host A New Year's Iraqin' Eve along with Guy Lombardo's surviving Royal Candians (aka The Royal Willing Allies.) To the strains of Auld Land Syne ("Should auld acquaintance be strung up...") a jubilant George Bush hailed the execution as a triumph for Democracy. "In the past, that tyrant would've killed a prisoner without a fair trial," he insisted, "now, if the Iraqi government wants to gas a village or slaughter rival tribesmen it's got to drag them into court first. Sure, frontier justice is a little pricey, but I'd shell out $400 billion tomorrow if I knew it'd stop some lunatic from making death threats against my Pa."

Clark, America's ailing eternal teenager, was expected to spin some appropriate platters –– Dang Me, Breathless, The Twist, selections from Swing Time –– and provide comic relief with the punch line to the President's favorite new gag. To the question, "What were Saddam's last words?" the aphasic DJ would respond "Ggahhgrahhurrghhaahh..."