BAD DAY FOR BLACK ROCK
Week of 02/26/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Steve Harvey Tells Oscars Host Chris Rock ‘Be Bigger And Blacker’
–– 'Use shoe lifts, stand next to any acting nominee.'
Chris Christie endorses Donald Trump
–– Hump Bump Pumps Trump.
Cruz Touts Texas Ties To Supporters In Houston
–– Ones used for 'necktie parties'.
Emma Watson Opens Up About Her 'Expensive' Subscription to a Website Aimed at Female Pleasure: 'It's Worth It'
–– Orgasium Leviosa.
Melissa Harris-Perry Blasts MSNBC Executives In Scathing Staff Memo
–– Execs: 'Who?'
Surfers get once-in-a-lifetime 60 foot swells off Hawaii
–– Once because fatal.
6-Week-Old Puppy Shot With 18 BB Gun Pellets Now Making 'Miraculous' Recovery
–– A bbeagle mix.
Ukrainian Man, 23, Arrested for Pretending to Be High School Student
–– In Russian remake of 21 Jump Street.
UN science report warns of fewer bees, other pollinators
–– Apiarists abuzz.
20 Percent Of Donald Trump’s Supporters Believe Freeing The Slaves Was A Bad Idea
–– Chain of fools.
Scalia's Death Prompts Dow to Settle Suits for $835 Million
–– Split decsion.
Report finds BBC allowed sexual offenders to operate with impunity
–– While thumbing through pages.
Lindsey Graham just went off on the GOP: "My party has gone batshit crazy"
–– Haters guano hate.
Lindsey Graham jokes about how to get away with murdering Ted Cruz
–– Suggests new slogan: DusTED.
G.O.P. Debate Turns Raucous as Rubio Lays Into Trump
–– Marco the Beast.
Marco Rubio mocks Donald Trump for 'wet' pants
–– Not a dry seat in house.
Model Cheryl Tiegs calls plus-size SI swimsuit cover 'unhealthy'
–– Made bulimic models lose lunch.
Ben Carson vows to look at the 'fruit salad' of potential Supreme Court picks
–– Excluding 'fruits.'
Sears CEO: Results criticism unfair
–– Adapting Bernie Sanders Defense.
Clarkson brings to tears 'Idol'
–– In translation from Latvian.
Victoria Beckham drops bombshell revelation: 'I can't do heels anymore'
–– ‘Sex with a pump ruined me.’
Mumbai sets no-selfie zones as deaths linked to selfies rise
–– Tourists shooting selves.
Rick Perry says brokered convention possible, won't rule out being nominee
–– Although entire party does.
Second-grader spills the beans on mom’s boyfriend’s pot farm
–– Wasn't potty trained.
ISIS is using a metal tool called 'the Biter' to clip the flesh of women who disobey its dress code
–– Device first used on Ru-Paul's Drag Race.
This poll showing Donald Trump romping in Florida is very, very bad news for Marco Rubio
–– It’s the thong he’s predicted to be in.
Boy finds 3,400-year-old figurine
–– Of Captain Canaan.
Melissa Click, Missouri professor filmed asking for 'muscle,' is fired
–– Click left.
Boko Haram, Al Shabaab team up?
–– In Terror Cinematic Universe sequel The Revengers.
Ex-Mexican president Fox: 'I'm not going to pay for that f***ing wall'
–– So it will include glory holes?
Hillary Clinton Plays ‘Two Lies and a Truth’ with Steve Harvey
–– Wins with twenty-two lies.
At 83, Yoko Ono says she didn't break up The Beatles
–– At 82, said she might've.
Kanye West Tears Into Taylor Swift During Screaming Nightclub Rant: 'She Not Cool No More'
–– Not like Mr. Kim Kardashian.
Woman Has One Leg That's Double the Size of the Other... But Her Boyfriend Doesn't Care
–– Gets kick out of it.
Mysterious burst of radio waves traced to galaxy billions of light-years away
–– Carrying Mark Levin Show.
Limbaugh blasts GOP establishment: You created Trump
–– Though 'abnormal brain' stolen by Fritz from lab was mine.
Democrats say Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has guided his Republicans into a political dead end with his unbending edict that President Barack Obama's successor should fill the Supreme Court vacancy and replace Justice Antonin Scalia
–– Led into dead end years ago.
There Is Only One Way to Stop Donald Trump Now
–– Stake through heart and silver bullet.
Bristol Palin Shares Cryptic Message After Ex Levi Johnston's Custody Battle Win
–– Or incoherent?
Israeli passenger goes berserk over ‘immodest’ in-flight movie
–– Was oy-rated.
Yes, Donald Trump Won Latinos Over Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz. Here’s Why.
–– It’s racist to assume they can’t be stupid as gringos.
The U.S. and China have united against Kim Jong-un at the U.N.
–– As bad cop/worse cop.
Donald Trump rejects Mitt Romney's ironic tax attack
–– Repudiates ‘mordant raillery.'
Johnson & Johnson told to pay $72 million in talcum powder cancer case
–– Dust off settlement.
Terry Crews: Porn addiction 'messed up my life'
–– Recounts hard times.
The $100,000 job: Garbage worker
–– Latest slang for online marketer.
Swedish teen rescued from ISIS speaks: 'It was really a hard life'
–– ‘Tougher than furniture assembley job for IKEA.’
Sheriff: No foul play in Scalia's death
–– Just poetic justice.
Trump: 'I love the poorly educated'
–– 'They write my tweets.'
Sea levels rose faster in 20th century than in previous 2,700 years, says study
–– Combined?
GOP knocks Obama's Gitmo plan
–– Waives internee client privileges.
The Scorched-Earth Campaign Manager Behind Ted Cruz
–– Carries torch for Cruz.
Kasich: Women 'Left Their Kitchens' For Me When I First Ran
–– 'If I was on TV there.'
Egypt: Officials claim mistaken identity after toddler sentenced to life
–– Remove metal bars from crib.
Bill Gates breaks with tech industry over FBI's iPhone hack request
–– Microsoft known for its hacks.
You’ll Never Believe How Queen Elizabeths' Corgis Are Fed
–– Rectally, like Mum.
Uncertainty as US Supreme Court reopens without Scalia
–– Mostly from Justice Thomas.
Lindsey Graham: 'A Kasich-Rubio ticket would be great'
–– For a show on amateur night.
The NYPD Wants Beyonce To Apologize For Her Super Bowl 50 Performance
–– After explaining to them why they're offended.
A mayor wants space where addicts can inject heroin safely
–– Popularity shoots up.
Massachusetts plans rattlesnake colony on uninhabited island
–– With Whitey Bulger as social director.
Cat Comforts Dying Cow During Last Hours of Its Life in Heart-Warming Video
–– Then whispers ‘NOT!' just before dying.
Iranian media outlets add to bounty for killing Britain's Rushdie
–– Does fatwa lot of good.
New Hampshire state Rep.: 'The Pope is the anti-Christ'
–– 'Trump is anti-Christie.'
Exclusive: Watch Bernie Sanders call Pope Francis a socialist
–– New Hampshire state Rep.: ‘See, I told ya’.’
With Bush's Exit, A Chapter In American Politics Closes
–– Of a Stephen King-like horror novel.
The White House Responded to Bill Maher's Petition: Don't Call Us, We'll Call You
–– Get real time.
The glamorous wife of ‘El Chapo’ explains why you should feel sorry for the drug lord
–– Nickname ‘Shorty’ refers to Joaquín Jr.
Rob Gronkowski Offers Couple $10,000 To "Bang In Front of Everybody", Turns Up On Cruise
–– Tom doesn’t try to remove him.
Donald Trump, 'Morning Joe' hosts hot mic chatter fuels favoritism charge
–– Mostly slurping, heavy breathing and moans.
GOP senators break with party over Supreme Court nomination fight
–– After referring to own job description.
Scalia Autopsy Decision Divides Pathologists
–– X-Files team consulted.
He’s 30, and takes a doll everywhere
–– Who prefers being referred to as a broad.
Wrestler to opponent: Marry me
–– Had her in wedlock.
Why are my hands always cold?
–– Check self for pulse.
Egyptian author gets two-year prison term for 'sexually explicit' writings
–– Titled Mummy Dearest.
‘Big Short’ Helmer Adam McKay Calls On Country to ‘Slow Things Down’ at USC Scripter Awards
–– If Americans get any slower they’ll need dribble cups.
Mamma Mia! The Party: Inside ABBA's hot new Stockholm restaurant
–– Top dishes: Dancing Bream, Waterlutefisk, Super Grouper.
How ‘The Witch’ Scored the Satanic Temple’s Endorsement
–– Hell of an ad campaign.
Bible, driver survive after car bursts into flames
–– Fire doused with holy water.
From hair to bare: Miami Marlins restore no-beard policy
–– Several ‘girlfriends' ejected from social event.
‘Porngate’ Scandal Rocks Pennsylvania State Government
–– Incriminating pix to appear in Pennhouse.
Pope Francis calls for one-year death penalty suspension
–– Unless Trump actually shoots someone on Fifth Avenue.
Samsung’s new dongle gives your car an LTE connection
–– Comes in leopard-skin thong.
London’s Boris Johnson backs Britain leaving 28-nation EU
–– Bodacious ta-ta.
Fallen US WWII hero's Army dog tag found on Pacific island
–– Around neck of naked, crazed former kamikaze pilot.
Trump: Maybe Obama would have attended Scalia's funeral 'if it were held in a Mosque'
–– Or if it had been Trump's.
3rd grader with autism nails every Michael Jackson move in talent show
–– Lucky King of Pop not there to catch him.
Man praising Lucifer shot by Fresno police
–– Should’ve known Beelzebub holds dominion in Central Valley.
Jeb Bush Suspends His Presidential Campaign
–– Already hanging by thread.
These donors lost the most money on Jeb Bush
–– General Jeb stupid.
Rubio: This has become a three person race
–– ‘Well, two, plus Trump.’
Kasich: Republican primary is a four-man race
–– See above.
Bolivia referendum for fourth presidential term may be close call
–– Leader wants Constitution to contain Morales Clause.
Ronda Rousey Apologizes For Sharing Pic That Was Altered Without Her Permission: I'm 'Proud of Every Inch of My Body'
–– ‘Even that ugly part where words come out of.'
Lawyer Who Planted Drugs in PTA President's Car Claims He's Innocent
–– Says he was boosting high school.
Was Bigfoot Spotted in Utah?
–– With pink polka dots.
Kentucky Noah's Ark park developer may alter religious worker rules
–– And allow 2 agnostics, 2 atheists, 2 Hindus, and 2 Buddhists.
Snowden: Would return to US with guarantee of fair trial
–– And press coverage to remind public he exists.
Mexican drug lord lawyers: prison guards won't let him sleepMexican drug lord lawyers: prison guards won't let him sleep
–– Fulfilling adage about wicked.
Obama Responds To Girl Who Cried Because He Won't Be President Forever
–– ‘Don’t worry, little Ann Coulter, you can still hate Hillary.’
Snake head found in can of green beans
–– A green giant.
In Nod to Law Enforcement in Apple Case, Obama Ends Attempt to Straddle Privacy Divide
–– After he slipped, landed on apples.
Why Is Mitch McConnell Picking A Fight Over Scalia's Replacement?
–– Because saying no is only skill.
Antonin Scalia funeral: Thousands of mourners pay respects
–– Or making sure he was really dead?
Ex-Black Panther freed after 43 years in solitary confinement
–– Ready for job as work-at-home freelancer.
Trump calls for Apple boycott
–– Tim Cook: ‘Thanks.'
COURT DEAD
Week of 02/19/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
McConnell wants to delay Supreme Court appointment until 2017
–– Politicking followed reverent 3 minutes of mourning.
Cliven Bundy to be extradited
–– To 1950s Jim Crow South.
Bob Dole names Rubio his second choice
–– "This Dewey fella looks promising."
Revealed: Dakota Johnson Had a Butt Double While Filming Fifty Shades of Grey
–– But that was Jamie Dornan's face.
Apparently, Ted Cruz Thinks Celiac Disease Is A Liberal Conspiracy
–– Gluten for punishment.
Bad news for Ted Cruz: his eligibility for president is going to court
–– Good news: Presided over by Red Queen.
Bar owner apologizes after Polynesian men turned away
–– Patrons tikied off.
Vonn Incensed After Losing Her Ski and World Cup Lead to Gut
–– Tough to stomach.
93-Mile-Long Ancient Wall in Jordan Puzzles Archaeologists
–– Theorize it might be work of Hashemite King, Don al-Trump.
Police cut man's legs off with ax
–– Former flight risk.
28-Year-Old Model Who Lost Her Leg From Using Tampons Walked at New York Fashion Week
–– Padded around.
Lions escape park, on the loose
–– Hungry linebackers considered particularly dangerous.
Oil driller cut 25,000 jobs, paid CEO $18 million
–– Parting message: Frack you.
Pope suggests contraceptives could be used to slow spread of Zika
–– Mosquito IUDs receive blessing.
Walesa was a paid informer for communist regime, papers show
–– Lech I care.
Breyer: US Supreme Court to be 'grayer place' without Scalia
–– Everything black and white when he was there.
Pope Francis Suggests Donald Trump Is ‘Not Christian’
–– Let's confirm human status first.
Pope loses his cool with person who almost knocked him down
–– Not Trump.
Trump finds unlikely defender in Jeb Bush on papal slam
–– Lays down some def rhymes.
A quick guide to the people and groups Donald Trump has insulted
–– In three volumes.
Roger Corman Revs Up 'Death Race 2050' With Malcolm McDowell Starring
–– A race both will win way before then.
Australia: 'Hairy panic' grass takes over rural town
–– Makes smokers think they're werewolves.
Ellie Goulding's plump lips could cost you $1,600
–– If she plants them on your lollipop.
U.S. stationing tanks and artillery in classified Norwegian caves
–– Don't know where to put all the shit they've commissioned.
Obama will pay respects to Scalia at court
–– Lords and ladies to bow decorously.
Val Kilmer Spotted Without Breathing Aid After Denying Reports of Health Issues
–– Career still on resuscitator.
Humans and Neanderthals had sex a lot earlier than scientists thought
–– Before banana daiquiris.
FBI finds trench of human feces at cultural site on Oregon refuge
–– Occupiers' 'manifesto'.
Meteorologist Busted For Growing Marijuana Plants: Cops
–– Grew suspicious of all her predicted highs.
Draft-Dodger Trump Said Sleeping Around Was My ‘Personal Vietnam’
–– Relives horror of My Lay massacre.
Baltimore drug kingpin Nathan Barksdale, inspiration for "The Wire," dies aged 54
–– At Gates of Hell: "Ding-dong, 'Avon' calling!"
Chinese teens get 6-13 years in prison for kidnapping and assault of fellow 'parachute kid'
–– Land in jail.
Adam Johnson trial: 'Creepy' Johnson 'not normal' texting a 15-year-old girl, court hears
–– Investigators surprised he was able to type with ‘it’.
Cops surround home only to find family watching ‘The Walking Dead’
–– And munching on brains.
How a bite of pizza led to an arrest in the Grim Sleeper serial killer case
–– Asked for slice with everyone on it.
Vietnamese Drug Smuggler Escapes Death Row By Impregnating Herself In Prison
–– Expects delivery of a little dope.
Pro Wrestler Axl Rotten died of reported drug overdose
–– Axl rose to occasion.
Sonogram Shows Twin Holding Dying Brother's Hand Inside Womb
–– While flipping bird at ultrasound paparazzo.
U.S. tries to force Apple to unlock San Bernardino shooter's iPhone
–– Then pressure them to explain Cloud.
Apple’s Tim Cook: We'll fight 'iPhone backdoor' demands from FBI
–– In latest slang for gay sexting.
Your Starbucks drink may have 25 spoons of sugar in it
–– Which might make you feel better about cost.
Glenn Beck: God took Scalia to give America Ted Cruz as president
–– Skeptics: Taking Beck would seal deal.
Ted Cruz discusses singing to his wife Heidi Cruz
–– As alternative to waterboarding.
Sandra Day O'Connor: Obama should name Scalia's replacement
–– So old girl hasn’t lost marbles.
How I gave my wife Zika
–– For Valentine's Day.
Dog warns family of deadly threat
–– Him.
Pope Francis’ Mass at the border
–– Prepare to invade.
’Full House’ Is Back. Why?
–– Deserves straight flush.
Ref Cesar Flores Shot Dead by Player After Red Card in Argentinian Football Game
–– Police suspect foul play.
El Chapo Says Prison Guards Are Turning Him Into A Zombie
–– ‘Or is it endless supply of cannabis?’
Manny Pacquiao: Boxer sorry for 'gay people are worse than animals' remark
–– Afraid he offended his ape date.
Teen impaled during basketball game
–– Spiked ball.
Inside Trump's German roots
–– The Aryan follicles.
Who dares try to fill Scalia's chair?
–– Before they fumigate.
Bomb on Rental Car Disarmed at Albuquerque Airport
–– Customer didn't pay for extra.
Bill Murray hurls fans’ smartphones off rooftop
–– If only they were attached.
Why Donald Trump's vicious attack on George W. Bush was so brutally effective — and brilliant
–– Effective? Maybe. Brilliant? A stretch. Music to our ears? Ahhh!
Trump: All smart people know the Iraq War was a huge mistake
–– Jeb: 'Hummina hummina hummina.'
China Box Office Breaks World Record With $548M in One Week
–– Monkey King, Captain Beijing newest Avengers; Jackie Chan replaces Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury.
Couple grateful to be alive after machete attack
–– Though a bit hacked off.
Oprah Winfrey Flaunts Slimmer Figure in Cute Snap with her 'Valentine of 30 Years' Stedman Graham
–– Will allow him to get to second base in another 30.
Oprah Made Me Eat It
–– Did pay with car.
Airline accidents way down in 2015
–– Upside of epic delays.
$1 billion drug bust in Australia
–– $50,000 pouches of heroin.
Leading Russian anti-doping official dies suddenly
–– As one does in Putin’s Russia.
Seattle Aquarium cancels octopus mating session over cannibalism fears
–– Refuses to give public what they want.
Ikea accused of dodging $1.1B in taxes
–– Scheme collapses like poorly-constructed Arkelstorp desk.
Sick child sings for Pope Francis
–– Pontiff prays for burst eardrum.
Peyton Manning incident cited in new lawsuit alleging culture of sexual harassment at University of Tennessee
–– Where any culture was rare.
Tens of Thousands of Sharks Spotted 'A Stone's Throw' From Florida Beaches
–– More like bull's throw.
Ryan Reynolds Reveals a Young Cancer Patient Was the First to See 'Deadpool'
–– Proving how cruel character really is.
Titanic II to set sail in 2018
–– Icebergs organize dead pool.
Kanye: I'm $53 million in debt
–– If you could monetize karma.
Kanye West asks Mark Zuckerberg for $1B
–– Zuckerberg changes security settings.
Kanye West Asks "White Publications" to Stop Commenting on "Black Music"
–– No, the last album really sucked.
Disney ship picks up suspected migrants
–– Relocates them to Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
Scalia Led Court’s Conservative Rebirth
–– Of microcephalic offspring.
Rubio: ‘More Scalias and less Sotomayors’
–– Can’t trust Hispanics.
Teen hands out 900 flowers to girls at school
–– Still no date.
Tanker 'nursed' F-16 past ISIS
–– Boobs massive.
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia found dead at West Texas ranch
–– Best decision of career.
Replacing Antonin Scalia Will Be No Simple Task
–– Legal scholars from 19th Century not easy to find.
Russian generals loved clear cola
–– With Red Hots.
’Walking Dead': 18 Burning Questions for the Rest of Season 6
–– 17. Include feet and hands in bonfire?
How to Make a Heart-Shaped Beet Crust Pizza for Valentine’s Day
–– For someone you hate.
4 Signs Queen Elizabeth Is Slowing Down (and One That Says She's Not)
–– 3. Hand waver permanently set at 'intermittent.'
Joe Scarborough-Donald Trump friendship increasing source of discomfort at NBC
–– Uncomfortable asking them to get a room.
Guide Dog In Training Loses His Cool When He Meets Pluto at Disneyland
–– And allows Mr. Magoo to be mauled.
Teen gets on bus with severed arm after Brooklyn robbery victim runs down assailant in SUV
–– Arm preferred hailing cab.
A Spanish Man Stopped Doing His Job — And It Took His Boss 6 Years to Notice
–– First time boss showed up at work in 8.
Bristol Palin Says Levi Johnston Is a ‘Great Dad’ as They Square Off Over Child Support
–– 'Thrilled' baby has Levi's genes.
Adam Johnson trial: Ex-England star 'checked the age of consent online after sexual activity with 15-year-old girl,' court hears
–– Did his dude diligence.
Rihanna on Her New See-through, Stiletto-Heeled Puma Collection: “I Tried To Push The Envelope A Little Bit”
–– “Breeding transparent big cats and all.”
Even GOPers can’t stand Ted Cruz: Mike Huckabee unloads on Texas senator, calling him a “low-life” and a “sleazy” politician
–– Reading from official bio.
Ratings: ABC’s ‘20/20′ Spikes With Interview of Columbine Shooter’s Mother
–– No. 1 with a bullet.
Charles Barkley crushes '100 percent wrong' Cam Newton: 'Unprofessional'
–– Looks to dash Cam.
WEAKEST LINC
Week of 02/12/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
13 things to do in the D.C. area on Presidents’ Day weekend
–– 11. Picture marble Trump seated in Lincoln Memorial.
Parts of Earth 'look kind of sick'
–– Where candidates campaigned.
Martin Shkreli offers Kanye West $10 million to be sole owner of new album –– Not to be out-delusioned, West demands $100 mil for line of leather sweats.
Police: Man remembers who he is after 30 years
–– Tarantino quits movies, returns to video store.
Visit a 'country' that doesn't exist
–– Trump's America.
Ted Cruz removes campaign ad featuring erotic film actress
––
Insists on real whore.
Santorum subs for Rubio at conservative Christian event
–– Josh Duggar unavailable.
World powers agree to 'cessation of hostilities' in Syria
–– Upon cessation of life.
Meryl Streep faces backlash over 'We're all Africans' comment
–– Made in flawless Afrikaans accent.
Female tiger dies in a mating attempt gone wrong
–– Of embarrassment.
’Star Wars' production company charged over Harrison Ford's broken leg
–– No charges for lame plot?
Chris Christie ends presidential bid 'without an ounce of regret'
–– Ate it all.
Cleveland bills Tamir Rice's family for ambulance ride after cop shot him
–– In bid to redefine ‘adding insult to injury.’
13th foot found here since 2007
–– Over 4 yards.
Grammys to feature Frey tribute
–– By fried musicians.
Burger King unveils hot dogs
–– Booked for indecent exposure.
40 years until Fukushima's clean
–– Maintenance team receives glowing reviews.
Oregon standoff: FBI surrounds occupiers at wildlife refuge
–– Using pig-herding dogs.
Carson staying in race, sees South Carolina victory
–– And dead people.
Eli Manning Finally Explains His Sad Super Bowl Face
–– Blames God.
Only men will debate the "tampon tax" in Utah
–– Seeking blood money.
Who’s The Daddy? Baby Is Confused By His Father's Twin
–– Mom claimed same problem.
Haiti’s Prime Minister Calls for Peace on 1st Day Without President
–– “Please shut up.”
Ex-Nazi SS guard, 94, to be tried on 170,000 counts of accessory
–– Not expected to survive reading of indictment.
Panel denies parole to Sirhan, assassin of Robert F. Kennedy
–– Confiscates his second Sirhan.
There are only two paths left for the GOP: Chaos or catastrophe
–– With Trump, both.
Republicans decline to hear president's budget
–– Their decline continues.
Drunk Chinese man kicks elevator doors in and falls down its shaft
–– Plot of new Jackie Chan movie.
Is Putin about to face a ‘colored revolution’?
–– Or a ‘revolution of color’?
Say "Hello" to the Spaceship That Will Bring Humans to Mars
–– If you know Martian.
This Air Force General fainted at a Pentagon press briefing
–– Couldn't believe cost of F35 fighter jet.
Trump team struggles with candidate who won’t adjust
–– Can’t turn volume below 11.
Rielle Hunter Shares New Photos of John Edwards' Love Child, Frances Quinn, Says 7-Year-Old is Aware of 'Her Reality'
–– Edwards still 'completely delusional.'
Russia, North Korea issue warnings against THAAD deployment
–– South Korea: ‘It’s just THAAD.’
Funny or Die Made a Trump Biopic, Starring Johnny Depp
–– Yugely funny, compared to Mortdecai.
Donald Trump on assassinating Kim Jong Un: "I've heard of worse things"
–– “Like that no-talent Johnny Depp’s character assassination of me!”
Donald Trump didn't even bother with the humblebrag — he went straight for the brag
–– Had humbledectomy as youth.
As Bernie Sanders Makes History, Jews Wonder What It Means
–– So what else is Nu?
Peyton Manning celebrates Super Bowl 50 win at Disneyland
–– Searching for products to endorse.
Pissed-off passenger urinates on fellow flier
–– In No. 1 Class.
North Korea 'executes' army chief of staff Ri Yong-gil
–– With lethal air quotes.
Sleeping intern goes viral
–– Epstein-Barr viral.
How Sumner Redstone's Lady Friends Scored Millions of Dollars
–– Look at him: they earned it.
Carly Fiorina Suspends Her Presidential Bid
–– Returns eye of newt, toe of frog for refund.
Kanye West's 'Bill Cosby Innocent' tweet sparks outrage
–– Cosby: “Thanks, now stop cursing and pull up your pants!”
Study: Horses recognize human emotions
–– If you look like Camilla Parker Bowles.
Sears announces it's closing at least 50 stores
–– Final nail in Normcore’s coffin.
Study: Smoke pot, forget words
–– So why publish study?
S. Korea to suspend joint-run industrial complex
–– Higher ups forget how to … whatchamacallit?
Flint mayor: $55M needed for pipes
–– Including one he’s been smoking.
‘Love drug' found in chocolate
–– Cockoa powder.
Ex-priest John Feit arrested in beauty queen's death in 1960
–– Police won’t give up without Feit.
Self-immolation near London palace
–– Worker fired.
Manatees take over tourist spot
–– Oops, those are Carnival cruise passengers.
What’s killing U.S. life expectancy?
–– Death?
Weinstein Co. in Talks to Acquire Mary Magdalene Biopic
–– Basis for musical Mary Me, Mary Me.
North Korea's Satellite Is Tumbling in Orbit
–– Doing ‘celebratory dance honoring Dear Leader.’
We're this close to a Zika vaccine
–– Length of skeeter’s pecker.
Here’s Why Chris Christie’s Zika Quarantines Would Be Pointless
–– Mosquitos could escape through chain link fence.
World’s biggest solar plant opens
–– Its petals to sun.
Promising student held in girl's death
–– Was promising violence.
Trump repeats crowd member's 'pussy' insult as New Hampshire votes
–– Was actually voice vote for him.
Man throws gator through drive-thru
–– Snap decision.
Artur Fischer, Inventor With More Patents Than Edison, Dies at 96
–– To be buried in coffin that digs own grave.
Missing dog found in sinkhole
–– Searching for bone he buried.
David Geffen: "I Am Not Supporting Anybody" for Democratic Nomination
–– Anybody relieved.
Obamas lament White House Wi-Fi
–– Trying to explain 7 years of buffering.
North Korea celebrates satellite launch with fireworks display
–– Additional explosions not usually necessary to mark launches.
Quicken’s 'Rocket Mortgage' Super Bowl ad sparks backlash
–– Modeled after North Korea’s Unha-3 ICBM.
Leopard mauls 3 at school
–– Spotted on grounds.
Did meteorite kill man?
–– Tailed by police.
Why all Chipotles will close for 4 hours
–– Try to clean toilets.
Author Nicholas Sparks Thinks ‘The Choice’ Will ‘Speak to an Authenticity That People Will Recognize’
–– But Authenticity won’t listen.
U.S. running out of space to store oil
–– Looks to rent space on Ted Cruz’s face.
Canine cuties face off in Puppy Bowl
–– Called for ruffing the kicker.
Debate: Rubio gets knocked around
–– That can happen in gentle breeze.
Charlie Sheen Offers Johnny Manziel Advice on Twitter
–– #minime.
Women temporarily banned from a Saudi Starbucks
–– Until they drink lattes through hijabs.
The hijab-wearing Barbie who's become an Instagram star
–– Formerly Barista Barbie.
Bush on Trump: 'The guy needs therapy'
–– ‘Aromatherapy –– here, sniff this.’
Is El Nino to Blame for Sea Lion's Land Adventure?
–– That’s what they told wives.
Sylvester Stallone Apologizes for Misspelling ‘NAACP’
–– And pronouncing it ‘Nackup'.
N.Y. curbs 'conversion therapy'
–– Won’t set things straight.
Pluto has 'floating hills'
–– NASA ‘unimpressed’ –– still not planet.
Who’s funding this pro-Ted Cruz super PAC?
–– Beelzebub?
The GOP establishment's bloodbath in New Hampshire
–– Provided for Cruz by virgin interns.
Cruz boosted by low expectations in New Hampshire
–– His key demo.
DER PHARMER
Week of 02/05/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
'Pharma bro' Martin Shkreli keeps mum at House hearing, calls Congress 'imbeciles'
–– Haters gonna love.
Even Siri gets sexually harassed
–– HAL hitting on her.
Martin Shkreli on drug price hike: '$1 billion here we come'
–– ‘Jail, you’re next!’
$153 million in Bill and Hillary Clinton speaking fees, documented
–– How much to get them to shut up?
1 dead in 'Bonnie and Clyde' shootout
–– I saw movie, was at least 2.
Man who walked on moon dies
–– Eclipsed.
Chinese buy Chicago Stock Exchange
–– Renamed Chow Fund.
White supremacists form super PAC
–– Will support Reich-wingers.
Bush camp puts Santorum in ad
–– Harold Stassen not available.
Alice Denham, Ex-Playboy Centerfold, Dies at 89
–– Folds.
Democrats Duel Over Which One Is the Real Progressive
–– Republicans over real Regressive.
Fiorina left out of ABC debate lineup
–– Squawking parrot to replace her on stage.
Air Force won't kill off Warthog
–– Despite relentless bombing raids in sub-Saharan Africa.
Playboy enters non-nude era: Sexy but 'safe for work'
–– If employed at Sterling Cooper.
Ben Jealous, former head of the NAACP, will endorse Bernie Sanders, source says
–– Hillary jealous.
Half of comic duo Bob and Ray dies
–– **SPOILER ALERT!** Ray passed in 1990.
CDC issues sex guidelines over Zika
–– And tiny mosquito condoms.
’Resting bitch face' is real, scientists say
–– Just watch Palin nap.
Toyota kills off Scion brand
–– A Scion of the times.
Robert Durst Pleads Guilty to Gun Charges, Setting Up Possible Murder Trial
–– And Jinx II, if he’s lucky.
Claiming ‘Fraud’ by Cruz, Trump Wants Iowa Count Nullified
–– And all primary elections converted to pass/fail.
US Education official apologizes for judgment, collapses
–– Falling down on job.
Kate Winslet clears up one confusing question about what happened at the end of 'Titanic'
–– Why was I asleep?
Christie Promises to Beat Hillary Clinton's 'Rear End' on Debate Stage
–– Reenacting scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Ammon Bundy: Oregon refuge 'belongs to the people'
–– Then remove dumb beasts.
Ted Cruz Is A 'Natural Born Citizen,' Board Of Election Finds
–– And ‘Killer.’
KFC customers hate the new Colonel, and the CEO says that's a good thing
–– They have bone to pick.
Kate Winslet Reveals How Leonardo DiCaprio Has Changed (and Not) Since Titanic: 'He's Gotten More Handsome!'
–– Aww, how about a **SPOILER ALERT!**?
ISIS releases images of a wheelchair-bound executioner "crucifying a spy" in Libya
–– Ramping up violence.
Lord Lucan, accused killer aristocrat, declared dead after 4 decades
–– Authorities stop Lucan.
Santorum ends presidential bid
–– Throws supporter behind Rubio.
Rand Paul drops out of race
–– Kentucky derby
Lost by skimpiest margin
Length of horse’s ass.
Vika virus forces company to change car name
–– To Malarea.
Storm buries parts of Midwest
–– Which aren't missed.
In Texas, Zika has spread via sex
–– As with mosquitos, just takes little prick.
New 'monster' arachnid found
–– On web.
Kings pull Year of the Monkey shirts after Boogie raises questions
–– Um, might want to pull nickname.
U.S. knocks out ISIS radio station
–– All hits all the time.
Peyton Manning Rebukes Doping Accusations During Super Bowl Media Day
–– Attempts to inject humor.
Rooney Mara in Discussions to Star as Mary Magdalene in See-Saw Biopic
–– Expect up and down performance.
Retired officer gets to keep K-9 partner
–– After knocking up.
Ashley Madison offers profile masks
–– And gay beards.
German 'queens' promote carp, hops, even sausage
–– Oh, especially sausage.
Love finally makes Cavs group photo
–– Of orgy.
Top U.S. general slams idea of carpet bombing ISIS
–– Waxing enemy sounds neater.
Mike Huckabee drops out of 2016 presidential race
–– Jesus wept…from laughter.
Teresa Giudice’s Cellmates Had So Much Sex in Her Prison Cell That It Was Nicknamed the ‘Boom Boom Room’
–– Cafeteria nicknamed 'In-N-Out Burger.'
7 Ways Iowa is Like America
–– 4. Residents have opposable thumbs.
New York Daily News blasts Trump: 'Dead Clown Walking'
–– Estate of Emmett Kelly threatens libel suit.
Cruz Credits Attack on Trump's 'NY Values' in Iowa Win
–– Along with stance on cornholing.
Why 'jerks' get ahead
–– Ted?
As MSNBC Makes Shifts, Rachel Maddow Presses On
–– Cabler goes from Neutral to Park.
CDC: Chipotle's E coli outbreak over
–– Chain still stockpiling toilet paper.
Microcephaly, Spotlighted by Zika Virus, Has Long Afflicted and Mystified
–– Condition pinpointed.
What Would It Take to Prove the Zika–Microcephaly Link
–– Big brains.
CDC director: What we're doing about the Zika virus
–– Scaring the hell out of you.
Is El Nino helping to spread Zika?
–– Already blamed for floods, drought, erosion, Trump.
Pope Francis to Make Acting Debut in ‘Beyond the Sun’
–– Not counting appearance as Star Wars’ Storm Trooper.
Iran’s President Needs More Than a Blessing from the Pope
–– Requests acting tips.
Glenn Beck Calls Donald Trump a "Narcissist to the Highest Level"
–– “A smidge above me.”
Heidi Cruz is her husband's not-so-secret weapon, but could she hurt his campaign?
–– Like loaded pistol in hands of child?
8 Things 'Grease: Live' Pulled Off Better Than Any Other Live TV Musical So Far
–– 7. Making Travolta movie look good.
Queen Elizabeth II Has Passed a Big Responsibility Down to Kate Middleton
–– Acting like she actually gives shit.
The Captain America Waffle Iron That Made Robert Downey Jr. Jealous
–– Left an impression.
Ancient Humans Ate Cantaloupe-Size Eggs from 500-Pound Birds
–– All-day breakfast common at prehistoric eateries.
Officials: Ohio man made several tries to find child for sex
–– If at first you don’t suck seed…
Hollywood Conservatives Are Coming Out of the Trump Closet
–– Which is, not surprisingly, yuge.
Ancient Egyptian boat discovered near pyramids
–– ‘To deliver grain’, theorizes noted archaeologist Dr. Ben Carson.
Sarah Palin interview derails when she's asked about her son's arrest
–– Insists she's "goin' off the rails on a crazy train.”
UK to modify human embryos
–– Attempt to remove sticks from arses.
Duck Dynasty' star: Same sex marriage is 'evil'
–– ‘Incest is best.’
The secret to burning fat faster
–– Cremation.
US Rep. Reid Ribble won't seek re-election; cites family
–– And excessively silly name.
Rubio: GOP establishment wanted me to "wait my turn"
–– But Reince Preibus wouldn’t even give me ticket.
Maduro’s critics want to know: Is he actually Colombian?
–– Supporters take hit.
Drake Calls Out the Size Of Kanye West's Pool in New Song 'Summer Sixteen'
–– Goes off deep end.
Twitter Twerps Are Cleavage-Shaming Susan Sarandon & It's Not Okay
–– Oh, you could not possibly shame those.
Kate Winslet on touching Susan Sarandon’s chest at the SAG Awards
–– Gives her big hand.
How slick is the new ‘Grease'?
–– Slipperier than Ted Cruz' scalp.
Inventor of jump shot dies
–– Is stuffed.
Bus ride a 'one-way ticket to death’
–– With free subway transfer.
What if you never had to worry about rent or food?
–– You’d be member of Congress.
$10 million mega-yacht sinks on trip to Bahamas
–– Converted to $10 million reef.
Donald Trump: 'Ted Cruz is a total liar'
–– High praise from Master.
Liz Cheney running for Congress
–– Congress running away.
Unemployed Elephants Grow Antsy, and Heavier
–– How many Republican debates can they sit through?
Italian police arrest 2 fugitive Mafia bosses in underground bunker
–– Borrowed from Dick Cheney.
Shark eats another shark at aquarium
–– In live sex show.
Putin’s ex-wife marries man 21 years her junior, report says
–– Putin toasts with Molotov Cocktail.