CUT AND RON
Week of 04/29/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
The Backlash to Will Ferrell’s Planned ‘Reagan’ Film
–– How dare they make fun of President who stayed in office despite Azheimer's!
Prince had no will, his sister says
–– Couldn’t resist purple frill.
Pizza box made out of pizza
–– Lard ass made out of lard.
Making a Murderer Prosecutor Ken Kratz: 'I Actually Put a Gun in My Mouth'
–– 'But couldn't figure how to pin murder on Steven Avery.'
Boy gets head stuck in sunroof
–– Feels the burn.
Up in smoke: Kenya to torch millions of dollars worth of ivory
–– Assigned to tusk force.
Racist statements lead lawmakers to reject John Wayne Day
–– Duke it out.
Police: Katt Williams Charged With Battery in Georgia
–– Katt nipped.
Turkey journalists jailed for publishing Mohammed cartoon
–– Who knew Erdogan had no sense of humor?
Rick Perry Touts Ted Cruz, Has LGBT Conversation on 'The View'
–– If anti-gay rhetoric is 'conversation.'
A forensic psychologist says a man who acknowledges killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic suffers from a delusional disorder that causes him to believe the FBI is persecuting him and that President Barack Obama is the Antichrist
–– Excuses, excuses.
Disgruntled ex-airport worker demolishes plane
–– Wing dings.
Philippine Front-runner Had $51 Million in Banks, Senator Says
–– He explains: ‘There are many rainy days in Manila.’
Isis: Jihadi kickboxer who planned to attack Israeli embassy in Rome is arrested
–– Plotted to kick up dust.
Former Auschwitz guard apologizes at trial, says it was 'nightmare'
–– ‘The hours! The benefits!’
GOP official predicts Clinton 'will go down like Monica Lewinsky' when she debates Trump
— Well, she has stoop to conquer.
Curt Schilling: ESPN Has ‘Biggest Racists in Sports Commentating’
–– ‘Even without me!’
Boehner: Cruz is 'Lucifer in the flesh'
–– Describing latest alcohol-induced hallucination.
Uber: Transportation company turns its hand to yacht rides with UberYACHT
–– All male customers must wear blue blazer, ascot, captain's cap.
Priceline CEO out over affair with employee
–– Shatner denies allegations.
Michael Phelps: 'I don't know if I'm an alcoholic,' says 18-time gold medalist
–– Head swimming.
NL Cy Young winner Arrieta calls PED whispers “flattering”
–– Will relay to his dealer.
Oklahoma’s legislature is about to ban abortion by making it a felony for doctors
–– In state that desperately needs it.
When she married Donald Trump, Melania Trump left a secret past behind in Slovenia
–– Prefers new, tighter bottom.
Trump says he’ll copy the attacks Bernie used against Hillary
–– 'But do them way better.'
Japan tells Chinese tourists to stop farting and burping in public
–– Chinese pass.
Paris attacks suspect Abdeslam is 'a moron' with the 'intelligence of an ashtray', says his lawyer
–– A devout ashtray.
Top L.A. Vegan Restaurant Owners Receiving Death Threats for Slaughtering Animals
–– From stupid cows.
Bernie Sanders to Cut Hundreds of Staff Members and Focus on California
–– Berns the field.
Donald Trump, Laying Out Foreign Policy, Promises Coherence
–– Says, 'I'm huge with Coherence –– Coherence love me.'
After Losses, Sanders Cuts Campaign and Cruz Retools
–– In latest slang for penis augmentation.
Nicki Minaj Dedicates "Anaconda" Performance to Donald
–– He's 'crushed.'
Ted Cruz to Name Carly Fiorina as His Running Mate
–– Will be inspiring to see her lose twice in one primary cycle.
Ted Cruz’s VP Pick: What’s in It for Carly Fiorina
–– Massive public humiliation.
Watch Carly Fiorina Sing a Lullaby to a Crowd of Cruz Supporters
–– But they’ve been asleep for months.
Trump Calls Himself the "Presumptive Nominee"; Clinton Responds to "Woman Card" Remark
–– Or “Presumptuous”?
Girl, 12, accidentally runs half marathon
–– Then mistakenly climbs Everest, erroneously swims English Channel.
Emilia Clarke Gives Advice to Her 18-Year-Old Self: 'You Are Not as Fat as You Think You Are'
–– !8-Year-Old Self: ‘I can’t hear you while munching this bag of chips.’
Onlookers marvel at size, stench of dead whale in California
–– Never wiped blowhole.
Judge sentences 'serial child molester' Hastert to 15 months
–– In Juvenile hall.
What you need to know about Indiana politics
–– Hoosier Daddy.
Ted Cruz, After Primary Losses, Pins Trump Rise on Media
–– They did plaster Cruz’ hateable face everywhere.
Venezuela orders 2-day work week
–– But bureaucrats not on job to implement.
Marissa Mayer's arch-nemesis is now her boss
–– Amuck and Mayer.
London’s Big Ben to fall silent for repairs
–– Gets awound.
‘Harry Potter' villain is MMA fighter
–– In Harry Potter and the Leg Lock of Featherweight.
’Harry Potter' Author J.K. Rowling Dines With Obama in London
–– Served butterbeer-battered owl.
Apple’s iPhone sales sink for the first time ever last quarter
–– Siri on suicide watch.
Apple Employee’s Dead Body Found at Cupertino Headquarters
–– See.
Brewing Trouble? Beer Drinking Linked to Psoriasis
–– Sounds flaky.
Twin Study Ties Psoriasis to Diabetes, Obesity
–– And Saturday nights alone.
Skip Bayless leaving ESPN
–– Skips.
Kelly Ripa gets a personal apology from ABC execs
–– Really sorry they ever hired diva.
Piers Morgan on Beyonce's 'Lemonade': "It Smacks of Shameless Exploitation"
–– “Like me using her to remind the few people who ever heard of me that I’m not actually dead.”
Henry Rollins Tore North Carolina's Governor a New One over State's Anti-LGBT Law
–– But he still has to use mens room.
Cesar Millan Is Engaged to Jahira Dar: 'My Pack Is Complete!'
–– Fiancée 'grateful' to be compared to dog.
Bizarre Ant Life Rafts Have Assigned Seating
–– And personal video screens locked into Ant-Man.
Saudi Arabia outlines sweeping economic reform plans
–– As it’s swept from history when oil runs out.
Paul Ryan's Biggest Test Yet: Saving Puerto Rico From Congress
–– Huge PR job.
Texas Secessionists' Embassy in Paris
–– Remember the á la Mode.
Man stomps on hawker's steamed buns, netizens demand justice
–– Can you blame buns for being angry?
John Kasich snaps at reporter: 'I'm not desperate — are you desperate?'
–– But does agree to date.
Trump rolls out a new nickname for Kasich
–– Kasich and tired?
Messenger: Laid off Catholic worker finds surprise at unemployment office
–– Crossed off list.
Tour the world's most luxurious submarine superyacht
–– But bring your air tanks to sun on deck.
US drops 'cyberbombs' on ISIS for the first time
–– Really hurtful message board comments.
Disney World Sued -- Mickey's Parade Ruined My Life
–– March Hare jumped me.
Tom Brady's four-game suspension reinstated by appeals court
–– Beating dead ball.
What happened when I tried to comply with North Carolina's new bathroom law
–– I refused to stand for it.
The Juicy New Read of L.A.'s Intellectuals
–– Acai Banana Kale Smoothie ingredients.
Stan Lee’s ‘Chakra’ set as Live Action Movie From Phantom, Graphic India
–– ‘Chakra’ con.
Ted Cruz and John Kasich to Coordinate Against Donald Trump
–– After they learn to coordinate selves.
What time is Game of Thrones on tonight?
–– An in-depth investigative report.
Game of Thrones: How Old Is Melisandre?
–– Was Larry King’s nanny.
NBA star gets technical while on bench
–– Tries to explain quantum physics to teammate.
Coast Guard rescues man running in a bubble in the ocean, again
–– Bursting with joy.
Colorado town's entire police department resigns
–– Lone donut shop closes.
Laundry packet poisonings increase in kids
–– On bright side parents don't need to 'wash mouths out.'
Rachel Roy Hints She’s the Jay-Z Mistress ‘Becky’ in Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’
–– Having 'good hair' day.
Captain Calls Finding Boat of Florida Teens "Stroke of Luck"
–– He was looking to score some grass.
Among this group of GOP primary voters, Trump is the Porsche of candidates
–– They are Pintos of electorate.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage Mocks Immigrants' Accents, Calls Indians "the Worst Ones"
–– Curries resentment.
John Kasich: I'm vetting vice presidential candidates
–– ‘Just for laughs.’
Ted Cruz Says Not Having 'Bathroom Bill' Is 'Opening the Door for Predators'
–– ‘Who really should have own john.’
Cruz Tells ABC 'PC Police' Using Women's Restrooms to Drive Political Agenda
–– He wants Pee See Police.
Ex-Pa. Senator Harris Wofford, 90, announces same-sex marriage in op-ed
–– At this point, more some-sex.
Donald Trump: 'If I lose, I don’t think you will ever see me again'
–– Dont say it if you don't mean it, naughty boy.
Dave Chappelle Remembers Prince With Stand-Up Set: ‘This is the Black 9/11’
–– An airliner hit Paisley Park?
Bernie Sanders Avoids Addressing Rosario Dawson’s Comments on Monica Lewinsky
–– Hopes it blows over.
Charles Koch Says He Could Possibly Support Hillary Clinton
–– In bid to turn last 18-year-old against her.
Emotional student comes out to Obama
–– As Trump supporter.
Shooting at Wisconsin high school prom leaves 3 injured
–– Theme was 'Aim High.'
Prince Death Possibly an "Accidental Overdose," Says Dr. Drew
–– Drew conclusion.
Florida keeper broke rules before tiger killed her, zoo says
–– Which cat explained before mauling her.
‘Pro-white,’ anti-KKK groups face off at Georgia landmark
–– Arguments were black and white.
Woman on 'Maury' looks like Ted Cruz
–– Maury asks her to put bag on head or get off him.
Donald Trump defends shifting tone: 'I've got to be different'
–– Threatens to molt live on TV.
Ted Cruz wins almost all of Maine's delegates at convention
–– Including three moose.
90 DECREE ANGLE
Week of 04/22/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
The Queen is not as rich as you think –– Considering family hasn't worked in 100s of years.
Queen Elizabeth II marks 90th birthday with public appearances, corgi cake
–– You know things are tight when you have to eat dog.
U.S. Suicide Rate Surges to a 30-Year High
–– Peaking this election cycle.
Man catches 400-pound fish with a wrench
–– Nuts when he bolts.
Ex-Boyfriend Faked His Death to Catch Marine Beauty in Murder Plot
–– Edgy plot of new Little Mermaid sequel.
Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks there's a 'very high' chance the universe is just a simulation
–– But deGrasse he's smoking very real.
Tiger found in Houston suburb
–– Visiting golf course.
There's a global banana crisis
–– In latest slang for STDs.
30-year-old high school basketballer?
–– Nicknamed 'Egghead.'
Why you can't sleep in a new place
–– You snore!
First lady to appear on 'NCIS'
–– All cross-dressers until now.
Fox News shakes up executive team
––Tells them Obama not Anti-Christ.
James Bond Director Guy Hamilton Dies at 93
–– Lived and let die.
Nun who drove into building is convicted of drunken driving
–– Was liquor store selling Blue Nun.
Budget woes force Kansas to delay road work, cut colleges
–– Still pursuing rollback of calendar to 1935.
Merkel lauds Turkey in dealing with Syria refugee crisis
–– Can't be accused of dropping Ankara.
Spirit Airlines scores dead last in customer satisfaction
–– That's the Spirit!
Johnny Manziel’s first step to save image: changing his name
–– Now Johnny Mental.
GOP's anti-Planned Parenthood panel descends into 'farce'
–– Termed an 'abortion.'
Hubble Captures Breathtaking Portrait Of Blue Bubble In Space
–– Pluto drooling.
2 NYPD Detectives Charged With Beating Postal Worker
–– Postage stomp.
McDonald's customer accused of putting soda in water cup charged with robbery
–– Suspected accomplice of Hamburglar.
Campaign chief to vulnerables: Stay away from GOP convention
–– Adds: 'Kasich, that means you.'
Republicans Are Eating Their Own Down in Mississippi
–– Have to admire their flexibility.
Prince Dies: Music Icon & ‘Purple Rain’ Oscar Winner Was 57
–– When doves cry and hawks tend to smirk.
'This is what it sounds like doves cry' -- celebrities pay tribute to Prince
–– Some are coocoo.
Prince Was Asked if There Was Anything He Couldn’t Do. Here’s His Answer
–– Make 58.
Dad Pulls Ultimate Power Move, Out-Dresses Son in Royal Portrait
–– In honor of Prince.
Wrestler, entertainer Chyna is dead at 45
–– Takes slow boat to Chyna.
Kelly Ripa had a total meltdown over Strahan’s betrayal
–– Didn't jack the Ripa.
Andrew Shaw Suspended for Using Homophobic Slur: Latest Details, Reaction
–– Blackhawk down.
ESPN fires Curt Schilling after his anti-transgender rant
–– Career flushed down unisex toilet.
Curt Schilling Criticizes ESPN, Says He's Not Transphobic and Calls Springsteen a Hypocrite
–– Aww, stick a bloody sock in it.
Trump: Jenner can pick bathroom
–– As long as she keeps talking shit in support of me.
U.S.-Mexico drug tunnel spanned 800 yards, held 2 tons of cocaine
–– All traffic express.
Paul Ryan: I'm no John Boehner
–– Says tearfully through boozy haze.
In Interview, Trump Says His Campaign Is ‘Evolving’
–– Not quite out of single-cell stage.
Tubman replacing Jackson on the $20, Hamilton spared
–– Jackson tried reminding Jack Lew he had well-reviewed Off-Broadway show.
Trump: Tubman on the $20 bill is 'pure political correctness'
–– Wonders why it can't be Dennis Rodman.
Ben Carson: Keep Jackson where he is, put Tubman on the $2 bill
–– As Thomas Jefferson's mistress.
Hollywood Studios Race to Release Uber Themed-Comedies
–– Shouldn’t green light.
Saudis snub Obama on Riyadh arrival amid growing tensions
–– Read him Riyadh act.
White House: Obama 'cleared the air' with Saudi Arabia
–– Room still smelled of camel dung and petrol.
Castro’s rare speech may be his last
–– Cubans praying for him…to shut up.
Castro, 84, says Cuba's leaders are too old, proposes limits
–– 'Like that guy, whatsisname, who served 50 years.'
Fidel Castro tells Cuba’s Communist Party he soon will die
–– At end of speech, always leave them laughing.
Sperm donor lied about criminal and mental health history, lawsuit alleges
–– What a jerkoff!
New order? China restaurant debuts robot waiters
–– Tip them in WD-40.
Google charged by EU in Android monopoly lawsuit
–– Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
‘Love It or List It' homeowners file suit
–– Lose it.
First criminal charges to be announced in Flint water crisis, source says
–– Officials should be lead away.
No Curry, no worries for Warriors
–– No runs.
Co-founders of Ben & Jerry's arrested at Capitol
–– Scooped up by authorities.
Donald Trump mixes up '9/11' with '7/11'
–– Had Slurpee brain freeze.
Why this South Dakota pawn shop is a tourist destination
–– It’s South Dakota.
Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to sign resolution calling porn a 'health hazard'
–– Fear hairy palms and pennis elbow.
Joss Whedon Was ‘Beaten Down’ by ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’
–– It’s in Blu-Ray extras.
Jared Fogle’s Sick Texts Revealed: ‘I’ll Pay You Big for a 14- or 15-Year Old’
–– Not talking about cheddar cheese?
Ted Cruz Gets Away With Blatant Nonsense On Abortion As Scientists Keep Quiet
–– Buys ad time on prenatal music system.
Is street drug flakka gone for good?
–– Gone like flakka seagulls.
Houston largely shut down amid rain, flooding
–– Gov. Abbott: ‘Climate change ain’t real, it’s made up by them “glub” “glub” “glub"…’
‘Game of Thrones’ Cast and Creators Tease Jon Snow’s Fate and Potential Return
–– Snow job.
Chelsea Handler Slams E! (Again): ‘I Wasn’t Impressed With Anybody’
–– ‘And they wouldn’t let me show my tits. Have you seen my tits? My tits are great. Here, look…’
Landslide win for 'Boaty McBoatface' in $300M research ship naming poll
–– Needs to research depths of internet lameness.
Why we can't stop body-shaming
–– 20/20 vision.
Philippines: No apology over presidential candidate's rape 'joke'
–– Not sorry for assaulty language.
Chris Rock blasts 'Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice'
–– Takes brave stance.
Monica Lewinsky After Clinton Sex Scandal: 'The Shame Sticks to You Like Tar'
–– ‘And nicotine from cigar.’
Billions Of Cicadas Will Soon Rise From The Earth, Have Sex And Die
–– In latest Fappening.
Gay North Carolina waitress receives bible verse instead of tip
–– Was 15% of quote.
George Clooney: Political Fundraisers “Ridiculous,” Dollar Amounts “Obscene”
–– "Wanna see my repugnant check for Hillary?"
Sanders crowd throws dollar bills at Clinton
–– Which she gladly accepts.
The Clinton's connection to the Panama Papers
–– This New York Post headline.
’Worst Idea Ever': Woman Jumps Into Tiger Pen to Retrieve Cap
–– Detroit cap.
NBC’s Chuck Todd Destroys Pat McCrory's Defense Of North Carolina Anti-LGBT Law
–– Dumps on it.
Hillary Clinton Says ‘I Really Could Care Less’ About Donald Trump Calling Her ‘Crooked Hillary’
–– Repeats gibe in Italian accent pushing nose to side.
Clinton calls Trump 'donkey of the decade'
–– Even Democrats' mascot calls him, 'An ass.'
Singer Axl Rose to join AC/DC "Rock or Bust" world tour
–– Representing 'Bust.'
Johnny Depp's wife Amber Heard spared conviction over dog smuggling
–– Tried to get print of Mortdecai into country.
Johnny Depp, Amber Heard issue somber apology for dog smuggling
–– A hangdog performance.
Can Amy Schumer defeat ISIS?
–– Or just inspire more suicide vests?
Arabic-speaking student kicked off Southwest flight
–– If only he'd discussed ISIS on cell in English!
Brazil’s lower house votes for Dilma Rousseff's impeachment
–– Seek government Riorganization.
Found Alive, Soldiers Are Told: You Owe Us for Burials
–– Pay as you go.
North Korean official on Trump comments: 'Totally absurd and illogical'
–– Trump already getting enemies to agree.
Charlize Theron’s Son Was Infatuated With Emily Blunt During Filming: ‘I Didn’t Even Exist’
–– Will later be infatuated with blunts.
Ted Cruz defends anti-LGBT North Carolina law
–– He’s Tom Joad of repression.
Irrefutable Proof That Ghosts Are Haunting the Hotel That Inspired 'The Shining'
–– Undeniable proof that headline writer doesn’t know meaning of ‘irrefutable’.
Missouri Woman Recalls Moment She Suspected Her Mom Tried to Kill Her
–– Hired Robert Durst as babysitter.
Poll: Americans Happy at Home, Upset With Federal Government
–– Why they stay there Election Day.
I was part of the first group of outsiders allowed to ride the entire North Korean subway system — here's what I saw
–– Commuters bumming off panhandlers.
Bernie Sanders says he met Pope Francis during visit to Vatican City
–– Francis still trying get ringing out of ear.
Tiger attacks, kills keeper at Florida zoo
–– Celebrating Jungle Book opening.
Here's What Moderate Alcohol Consumption Really Looks Like
–– The Hoff at 10 AM.
SLOW BERN
Week of 04/15/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Democrats Brawl in Heated Brooklyn Debate
–– Or repeat same things for umpteenth time a little louder.
Obama gets 1st look at 'Thrones'
–– In WH WC.
London Tube's 'Mind the gap' announcer Phil Sayer dies
–– Boards Underground.
Bernie Sanders Surrogate Danny DeVito Rips Into Hillary on Israel and Goldman Sachs
–– Nips at heels.
Cruz on NC Law: Men Should Not Go to Bathroom with Little Girls
–– Except in my fantasies.
Massachusetts governor shrugs off LGBT group's booing as ‘part of my job’
–– 'Not my first boo job.'
Judge overturns 1957 cold case murder conviction, Jack McCullough goes free
–– Lady Justice: 'Oopsy.'
Gawker CEO Nick Denton: ‘I Wish I Had Known How Litigious Hulk Hogan Was’
–– ‘Couldn’t guess, sitting across from him in court as he sued my ass.’
Who Was Kathleen 'Kick' Kennedy? The Untold Story of JFK's High-Spirited Little Sister
–– And damage she did his left nut.
A day at Augusta National, where they even direct you when and where to pee
–– Cup at 18.
My Ex and I Were Alcoholics, Now I'm a Proud Single Mom
–– Of cutest lil lush.
Wegmans Was Just Named the Best Grocery Chain in America
–– Photos of Weimaraners charm customers.
Muslim nations accuse Iran of supporting terrorism: summit communique
–– Add: “Welcome to club!”
Delta Says Atlanta-Doha Has Just Five Daily Passengers, So How Can Qatar Airways Operate There?
–– Expect sheikh up.
Morgan Freeman Bashed for Posting Photo from 'Jerusalem, Israel'
–– That’s what Yahweh still calls it.
El Nino Weakens, Here Comes La Nina, Meteorologists Say
–– Followed by Nene Leekes.
Pablo Sandoval's weight is such a problem that his former team was going to extremes to prevent him from overeating
–– Hid in lockers at mealtime.
Senator Marco Rubio is back at work. Latinos, duck!
–– Don’t worry, he only shows up on Wednesdays.
Kasich to female college student: 'Don't go to parties where there's a lot of alcohol'
–– ‘And I’m there.’
NBA becomes first major US sports league to allow ads on jerseys
–– And doesn't discourage sponsored tattoos.
Sarah Palin mocks Bill Nye over climate change: He's 'as much as scientist as I am'
–– She's 'as much as' comedian as Louie Nye.
Greenland ice melt off to record early start
–– Palin: “You go, Ice!”
Migrating humans may have killed off Neanderthals, by accident
–– While driving through Tennessee last week.
Czech Republic: Call us Czechia
–– Sounds tetchier.
Vladimir Putin Heaps Praise on Obama, but Dodges on Clinton vs. Trump
–– In latest slang for defecates.
Greek Path Shut Down, Migrants May Turn to Italy
–– No more backdoor entry.
‘Now You See Me 2’ Screening Evacuated at CinemaCon
–– It’s that bad.
Donald Trump gives Joe Paterno a shout-out in Pittsburgh
–– Gets thumps-up from Hell.
Ice Cube: "Donald Trump Is What Americans Aspire to Be"
–– And many already are, without the money.
Ted Cruz once argued to ban sex toys. His college roommate just revealed why that was hypocritical.
–– Could hear his 'Cruz Missile' humming all night.
Jennifer Lawrence Went Braless and the Internet Is Losing Its Mind
–– Not much of loss.
Trey Gowdy injects Benghazi into the 2016 campaign
–– Rectally.
Ted Cruz's daughter: My dad wore a pink boa, underwear, and it's on video
–– Hasn’t written off trans vote.
Cannibal galaxy spotted in new photo of Fornax Cluster
–– Explicit shot shows it eating neighboring star system.
Sunscreen may affect men's fertility
–– So let that weiner sizzle.
Girl held by Boko Haram: 'I'd have shot at rescuers'
–– 'Just trying to fit in.'
Match.com pulls ads after freckle furor
–– Erases spots.
Barry Diller on Match IPO: I'd use a dating app
–– For beards.
Top Pentagon official: 'Right now it sucks' to be ISIS
–– Previously a blast.
Why letting teens sleep in could save lives
–– Prevent school shootings in AM.
Lawmakers keep Flint money out of energy bill
–– Supporters thought it was lead-pipe cinch.
Dennis Hastert's attorneys question whether groin rub is sexual misconduct
–– Even if he pulled a fast one.
Girl asks Putin: Who'd you save from drowning, Erdogan or Poroshenko?
–– Vlad: 'Question should be, who I push overboard?'
The largest U.S. coal company just filed for bankruptcy
–– Coke zero.
Elizabethkingia outbreak spreads; source still a mystery
–– Of the name, that is.
German train dispatcher accused of playing game before deadly crash
–– Candy Crash.
David Gest, Music Producer and Liza Minnelli’s Ex-Husband, Found Dead
–– Gest checks out.
Samantha Bee discovers It's Harder to Acquire an NRA Mascot Costume Than it is to Buy a Gun
–– Especially bullet-proof one.
Gwyneth Paltrow Would Rather Smoke Crack Than Eat Cheese
–– Smoked gooda.
Thai drunk drivers may serve stint as morgue helpers
–– Only if dead drunk.
5 Things the Pope Said Today That Have Shocked the World
–– 3. Tenses must match.
Muslims Are Creating ‘Nations Within Nations’ Says Former Head of U.K. Equalities Commission
–– Harder to digest than bad shwarma.
Donald Trump Gave $0 to Charity in Past 5 Years
–– But provided America hours of entertainment for free.
Israeli mathematicians and archaeologists say they have found evidence to suggest that key biblical texts may have been composed earlier than what some scholars think
–– Experts in imaginary numbers.
Trump and Clinton retain large leads in New York poll, but Trump voted 'real New Yorker'
–– Because he's like cartoon that just isn't funny.
Medieval Metal Whip, Used During Black Death, Found in Abbey
–– Abbey has trouble walking straight.
Florida island bird mystery has new twist: Snake cannibalism
–– That’s a lot to swallow.
Jimmy Savile ‘Boasted He Had Vasectomy To Avoid Impregnating Victims’
–– If only they’d use bigger knife.
Steve Miller Trashes Rock Hall After Induction: 'This Whole Industry F---ng Sucks'
–– He doesn't want to sound pompatus or anything.
You’ll LOL When You Hear What the Property Brothers Found Inside the Walls of a Reno
–– Quickie divorce papers.
Duchess Kate Has Marilyn Monroe Moment in India
–– Prime Minister and brother have big smiles on faces.
John Kasich on Refusing Service to LGBT People: 'What the Hell Are We Doing in This Country?'
–– Ask your party.
Body Parts Found in Recycling Bin Identified as Missing Mom
–– And weren’t scheduled for pickup until Thursday.
Louis C.K. ‘Millions of Dollars’ in Debt Over ‘Horace & Pete’
–– Still owes viewers thousands of minutes wasted while watching.
Racially Charged Joke by Hillary Clinton and Bill de Blasio Leaves Some Cringing
–– Those with involuntary cringe disorder.
Navy destroyer to be named after former Michigan Sen. Carl Levin
–– USS Meshugginah.
Zika virus 'scarier than initially thought'
–– Scarier than apocalyptically reported?
Jimmy Buffett to play NC despite 'stupid law' - will reconsider future shows
–– ‘Hey, look, anyone can pee anywhere in Margaritaville.’
Saints coach blasts gun laws after death of former player
–– Ruled dead in endzone.
Obama Says Hillary Clinton Wouldn’t Intentionally Endanger U.S. With Emails
–– ‘The girl can’t help it.’
Ancient Grocery Lists May Shed Light on Bible’s Age
–– Prunes, Maalox and Readers' Digests on them.
Kasich Sees Path to Nomination Despite Low Delegate Count
–– Involving two hits and humongous neuralyzer at convention.
Erdogan poem: Turkey demands German action over 'obscene' satirist
–– But not over ‘obscene’ ally.
German comedian faces prosecution for 'goat f*****' poem about Turkey's President Recep Tayyip Erdogan
–– Erdogan: ‘Na-a-a-ay!’
How much sex should you be having?
–– Ask Turkish goats.
Merkel Grants Turkish Request to Prosecute German Satirist
–– German and Turkish genocidal senses of humor in sync.
Man wakes up after five-hour dentist visit to find all his teeth removed
–– Gummed up works.
Tourists Taking Pictures Of Seafront Set Upon By ‘Stupid’ Locals Who Thought They Were Paedophiles
–– Suspected of taking pix of underaged sprats and winkles.
Airbus Loses Order for 840-Seat ‘Flying Sardine Can’ Superjumbos
–– Couldn't manufacture key big enough to open it.
Bernie Sanders to Speak at the Vatican, Address Climate Change
–– Which will be all ears.
‘Game of Thrones': Kit Harington Remains in Season 6 Opening Credits
–– But who shot JR?
‘The Game' Author Neil Strauss: How I Went From Best-Selling Pickup Artist to Drug-Induced Orgies to (Gasp!) a Committed Family Man
–– All the while milking my sad life for a buck.
Amid Cheers, Some See an Airbrushed ‘Hamilton’
–– Especially around bikini line.
The horse-and-buggy fruit sellers
–– You don’t want buggy fruit.
72 new objects found near Earth
–– In moon pop-up store.
Spain’s answer to Tom Cruise?
–– No gracias!
‘X-Men’ actress welcomes baby
–– Who can telepathically change own diaper.
’London Has Fallen’ Opens on Top of Chinese Box Office
–– Where they think it’s a documentary.
Should reporter, 9, cover murder?
–– Only in Clue.
ESPN reporter shows off her handles
–– No match for Chris Christie’s.
Queen’s Brian May Calls Sacha Baron Cohen ‘an Arse’ Over Freddie Mercury Biopic Dispute
–– Which is his job title on LinkedIn.
Jerry Lewis Celebrates Birthday With Jim Carrey
–– Who shoves 90 candles in mouth and tries to yell "Hey, La-a-a-dy!"
NASA’s Kepler spacecraft enters emergency mode 75 million miles from Earth
–– 25 million miles until next service station.
Drugged beggar babies for rent in Indonesia
–– And buggered Duggar babies.
Two-foot super rat is the biggest pest controller has ever seen
–– Outside Russia’s presidential palace.
Boy found with octopus stuck in throat has been released from hospital
–– After complaining of tentacle in throat.
Hildersham church loo flushes out ancient skeletons
–– After use by dragon.
Nurses in Texas Are Allegedly Quitting, Finding Better Pay at McDonald's
–– And sicker people.
Anti-gay Law Could Cost Mississippi Billions
–– And they only gots thousands.
Gene Simmons Fires Back at Ice Cube Over His Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Acceptance Speech
–– Cube: ‘KISS, my ass.’
Woman found dead in Staples store bathroom
–– That wasn’t easy.
Cruz rails against Trump as Republican Jews ponder options
–– Kind of a Sophie's Choice.
Beck sees 'end of the GOP' if Cruz, Trump denied nomination
–– Aww, don’t get our hopes up, Glenn.
Marriage proposal goes horribly wrong
–– Couple together for 35 years.
Hug your sibling(s) -- here's why
–– They might have your wallet in their pocket.
Kerry makes surprise Afghanistan visit
–– Brings chocolate Bombe Surprise!
Rocket strikes in Kabul intended for John Kerry, Taliban say
–– Apparently not everyone surprised.
A Sunday morning without Donald Trump for the first time in 5 months
–– Thank you, Jesus!
JUDGEY GARLAND
Week of 04/08/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Obama can appoint Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court if the Senate does nothing
–– If!!?
'American Idol' Finale: 5 Little-Known Facts About the Show
–– 4.
Cowell's breasts real.
All Trump Needs to Do to Win Is Promise to Cut These Imaginary Government Agencies
–– And establish these: Federal Aerosol Administration, Immigration and Neutralization, Health and Hugeness Services.
Man who slowly murdered neighbour's dog with walnuts jailed for a year
–– Cops crack case.
Panama Papers: Simon Cowell and Jackie Chan among celebs named in Mossack Fonseca leak
–– That's Panama-level notoriety.
Merle Haggard's too-good-to-be-true story about Johnny Cash? It really happened
–– Before meeting him only wore puce.
Sanders on Clinton: "I regret less than she does"
–– "Because I've accomplished so little."
Wisconsin judge voids Walker-backed right-to-work law
–– Walker voids bowel.
GOP rep: 'Any New Yorker who even thinks of voting for Ted Cruz should have their head examined'
–– And check further down if they vote for Trump.
Judge Nap to Hillary: 'Laughing at the FBI Is Not a Good Thing to Do'
–– Suggests she sleep on it.
Sanders campaign says GE CEO 'should take a good look in the mirror'
–– He brings good things to light.
Keystone leak 90x worse than first reported
–– The good news: in South Dakota.
GOP presidential candidates battle to claim Ronald Reagan's mantle
–– And are fishing in exactly right gutter.
Burt Reynolds Has Sweet Reunion with His First Girlfriend During Hometown Homecoming
–– Simulates fully-clothed dry hump for old times sake.
UN aid official urges Syria govt to 'live up to promises'
–– As it always has in past.
Utah man accused of animal cruelty for allegedly dragging horse behind truck
–– Apologizes for putting cart before horse.
Cuckoldry is incredibly rare among humans
–– Ask any bastard.
A jetpack nears liftoff, but creator fears dream is grounded
–– If headline writer crashes and burns.
Rescue Pitbull Only Has Eyes for 7-Year-Old Boy
–– Now has eyes of 7-year-old boy.
Gingrich: 'Zero' chance of nominee is not Trump or Cruz
–– Those are 2 huge zeros.
Here’s The Flight Attendant Who Was Fired For Using Emergency Exit
–– Comments: ‘Aw, chute!’
Pilot refuses to fly without favourite female co-pilot, keep passengers waiting for 2 hours
–– The one who sits in his lap throughout flight.
This Once Dangerous California City Gives Young Men Money, All-Expense-Paid Trips in Exchange for Not Shooting Their Rivals
–– Trips to cities where they can kill local residents.
Florida Gov. Rick Scott gets an earful at Starbucks: ‘You’re an embarrassment to our state!’
–– The state of being.
Florida Men Kill What May or May Not Have Been a Dinosaur
–– And they may or may not have been cavemen.
McConnell allies plot to stop another Cruz
–– Sending cyborg assassin back in time.
Teen actors' necks slit in school production of 'Sweeney Todd'
–– Get Cs for 'commitment'.
The position of 'Chief Wombat Cuddler' is open
–– In latest slang for mittened hand job.
Why the onslaught of religious freedom laws?
–– Homophobia never gets old.
France makes paying for sex illegal
–– Now they want if for free?
2 escape from psychiatric hospital
–– Head straight to local Trump campaign office to volunteer.
Aerosmith Singer Steven Tyler Hints at ‘Farewell Tour’ Next Year
–– Fans hint at great relief.
Ron Darling Comments on Drug, Alcohol Use in Dugout with 1986 New York Mets
–– Why bags were frequently loaded.
Disney, SeaWorld employees arrested in sex sting
–– Donald sexted Huey, Louie and Dewey.
Schumer: I’m not plus-size
–– You’re minus-size.
Top Scientists Weigh In On Whether We All Live In A Hologram
–– Or if theorists just projecting.
Royals troll Noah Syndergaard by playing 'American Woman' during warmup
–– After which he trimmed lineup with his cutter.
Saudi Arabia passes Russia as world’s third biggest military spender
–– Lockheed Martin sends congratulatory bottle of non-alcoholic champagne.
After losing Wisconsin, Trump campaign calls Ted Cruz an establishment GOP 'Trojan horse'
–– Suggesting he's had any number of Greeks inside him.
The ‘Antonin Scalia School of Law’ Has Been Renamed Due to Perfect, Unintentional Acronym
–– Was a bit of an ASSoL.
The Secret I Will Always Keep From My Twin Daughters
–– Who will never learn to read.
Air France attendants are refusing to wear headscarves on flights to Iran
–– Imams ask if they want to wear heads.
As giant rats menace Pakistan, conspiracy theories swirl
–– As Bollywood begins production on Ratzilla.
Tennessee bill could make the Bible the official state book
–– Replacing Guns & Ammo.
Michael Jackson's Daughter Celebrated Her 18th Birthday By Making Out At Disneyland
–– Mickey grateful for action.
What Happens When You Die? Nothing Except "Black Emptiness," According to Reddit User
–– Something Reddit users regularly experience.
Kendra Wilkinson Admits She Cheated on Hugh Hefner, Surprises No One
–– Hef 'shocked', but from defibrillator.
Nick Jonas Finally Explains Why He Took Off His Purity Ring
–– Uncomfortable while fisting.
Rare syndrome causing intellectual disability identified
–– Trumpism diagnosed.
Clinton, Sanders to meet for Brooklyn debate
–– And Bronx cheer.
California’s Unions Demand $15-An-Hour Minimum Wage; It Will Destroy A Third Of The State
–– Hopefully, the rich douche third.
China warns 'powerful forces' behind Panama Papers
–– Yeah, greed and avarice.
T.I. and Tiny Reveal the Name of Their Newborn Baby Girl
–– Titti?
Physicists just discovered a new state of matter called ‘quantum spin liquid’
–– Also name of new Procter & Gamble detergent.
Pa. family's two dogs go missing separately, found dead together
–– So, a feel-good story?
Video Shows Maryland Judge Ordering Deputy to Stun Defendant
–– By telling him Gangnam Style has over 2.5 billion views.
Army OKs beard, turban for Sikh
–– And flamboyant General.
Kirkman Tries to Block "Walking Dead" Restaurant, Protect Trademark
–– Wokking Dead to serve stir-fry.
Daniel Radcliffe’s Farting Corpse Movie ‘Swiss Army Man’ Gets Trailer
–– Trails foul odor.
Could the remains of Queen Nefertiti be hidden behind King Tut’s tomb?
–– Next to Jimmy Hoffa's?
Pele sues Samsung for $30 million over TV 'lookalike' ad
–– Looks just like his flatscreen.
Greece returns migrants to Turkey
–– For refund.
Charlize Theron ‘struggled so much’ with Tom Hardy on Mad Max: Fury Road set
–– Yeah, was in the script.
Starbucks Barista Refuses to Call Out ‘Trump’ Name on Scott Baio's Coffee Cup
–– Cries ‘Hump!’ instead.
Justin Bieber Debuts Dreadlocked Look, Asks the Question We're All Wondering -- Why?
–– To retain World Champion Tool status.
Chihuahua on the loose on Bay Bridge
–– Celebrating Yippie movement.
Princeton to keep Wilson's name despite his racist views
–– In triumph for Deformative Action.
Doris Day Poses with Her Adorable Dog Squirrely in an Exclusive Photo on Her 92nd Birthday
–– Name also defines her current behavior.
Islamic State executes 15 of its own near Raqqa, Syria: monitor
–– NATO sends thank-you note.
Donald Trump Insists This Wasn’t ‘Worst Week in My Campaign’
–– ‘Really, they’re all huge disasters.’
The worst U.S. suicide rates are in seven Western states with high gun ownership levels; a new outreach effort is asking firearm sellers and owners to help reduce these deaths
–– By including Redneck Joke Book with each purchase.
A new drone video over Apple's campus gives a crazy perspective on just how large that dirt pile is
–– Which is what FBI calls Tim Cook.
They were freed from Boko Haram’s rape camps. But their nightmare isn’t over.
–– Journalists force them to relive it.
Hillary Clinton: ‘The Unborn Person Doesn’t Have Constitutional Rights’
–– Stating law.
Aren’t there other stories besides Donald Trump in the world?
–– And stories about whether there are other stories?
British doctor denies report that he doped 150 sports stars
–– Claims they were already that way.
Man shot in street during selfie?
–– If camera worked.
Deep-seated animosity paves way for Armenia, Azerbaijan violence
–– Rooted in Azerbaijani resentment of alphabetical ranking.
Plane rear-ends car on highway
–– Was going slow in passing lane.
Lasers could hide Earth from deadly aliens, 2 astronomers say
–– By shining them in eight eyes.
Thousands of jellyfish invade South Florida beach
–– On Spring Break.
2,500-year-old slab reveals lost language
–– Chip off old block.
Oil rig worker says she was secretly recorded, files $1 million lawsuit
–– Surreptitious cause of several gushers.
British police tricked terror suspect into handing over phone, source says
–– Phone smarter than him.
Donald Trump again leaves open door to third-party bid
–– Letting every bad idea in.
Jon Stewart rescues runaway bull
–– When he used to skewer it.
FOOL SPEED AHEAD
Week of 04/01/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
April Fool's Day 2016: Google 'Minion Mic Drop' Gmail Prank Backfires
–– But Yahoo still uses as excuse to axe 10,000.
SUV flees cops, takes out fighter jet
–– Shows good time.
Russian Media Scoff at Report of Vladimir Putin Dating Wendi Deng
–– After Murdoch, Vlad too soft.
Kendra Wilkinson: "I Want the Cameras to Follow Me Until I Die"
–– That can be arranged.
Panda cub poses for selfie with keeper
–– But makes him hold embarrassing stick.
Alleged affair ends with bullet lodged in man's groin
–– After which he'll be firing blanks.
'Awful' Woman Puts Her Very Long Ponytail Over Seat, Blocks Plane Passenger's TV
–– Ironically showing Hair.
Ohio home of serial killer for rent during Republican convention
–– Just stay out of freezer in Dahmer's old house.
Man fights to get money back after unfair charge for dog plane ticket
–– Mutt refused to pay.
Texas Cop Accidently Fires Shotgun at Man Holding Fork
–– After he set it on right side of dinner plate!
Raw: Massive Hole Opens in Florida Trailer Park
–– Authorities are looking into it.
University acknowledges chocolate milk study 'shortcomings'
–– And casts doubts on answer to 'how now brown cow?'
Even Saudi Arabia Is Preparing For The End Of Oil
–– Lubing camels for long trip.
Breaking doping bans, Kenyans race on regardless
–– Cross ocean for U.S. marathons on foot.
Prince Charles has been sharing his favorite hobby with Prince George
–– 'Flogging one's Windsor.'
This Guy Has Spent £35,000 Building A Robot That Looks Like Scarlett Johansson
–– For £35,000 the real Scarjo might've 'oiled his bot.'
Secret Tut chamber? Egypt calls experts to examine evidence
–– Won't call Apple.
Judge says he won't be rushed to free man in 1957 killing
–– Says he's personally still deciding on upgrade to VHS.
50 ISIS sympathizers working at Brussels airport, warns police union
–– The good news: flight times to be slashed.
Kansas Lawmakers Ignore Separation Of Powers, Look To Impeach Supreme Court Justices
–– Consult Judges in Old Testament for precedent.
Why Would a Loving, All-Powerful God Allow Suffering?
–– Boredom.
Mother charged after making children to walk to school
–– And not packing lunch boxes with caviar.
Patty Duke's Son, Sean Astin, Was a Good Sport About Uncovering His Father's Identity
–– Some Hobbit named Gamgee from the Shire.
Megyn Kelly has a theory about why Donald Trump hates her. And it makes lots of sense.
–– He watched her show.
Creationist Lawmaker Says Noah’s Ark Was Found, Rocks Prove God Created Earth
–– Ones in head.
Whale-watching boat smashes into wharf, narrowly missing crowd
–– Passengers hear blue wails.
Apple updates Siri's response to 'I was raped'
–– Unless it’s from customer complaining he overpaid.
Ex-wife of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi: I want a new life in Europe
–– And for people to stop asking 'Who's your Baghdadi?'
Mouse head found in green beans
–– At Disneyland during labor dispute.
Price of vanilla surges
–– One Direction on hiatus, fans desperate.
Dustin Hoffman slapped Meryl Streep while filming 'Kramer vs. Kramer'
–– And she still gave painfully mannered performance.
Rat Crawls Up Sleeping NYC Subway Rider
–– Looking for pizza slice.
George Lopez Claims Bill Cosby Gave Him Pointers on Hooking Up With Female Fans
–– Said, 'With that name, you should have Spanish Fly.'
After Georgia veto of anti-gay bill, evangelical Christians feel betrayed
–– Complain bitterly about 'perverts' to cousin spouses.
Carson defends Trump: He didn't have time to think about abortion question
–– In fact, I didn't have time to think about this response.
Republicans lied in Wisconsin: Here’s how you know the state’s voter ID law is a complete sham
–– Scott Walker signed it.
Man Frustrated With People Having Sex Outside His Home Has Started Filming Them
–– Hasn't heard of online porn.
Obama: 'Staggering' Cost of Opioid Abuse
–– ‘Staggering’ because they’re so zonked.
Linda McMahon on Trump: "He's a patriot”
–– “And professional wrestling matches aren’t fixed.”
Don Lemon Takes Down Donald Trump Spokeswoman: ‘You’re Being Very Disingenuous’
–– Oh, snap!
Chipotle 'Better Burger' trademark filing hints at new chain launch
–– 'Bitter Burrito' trademark filing hints parent company capitulating to reality.
Snoop Dogg: “I Don’t Vote”
–– Whoa, that is so shocking, we need another toke!
Donald Trump Campaign Manager Charged With Battery for Grabbing Reporter
–– Demonstrating power of his press.
Trump on Lewandowski: 'He Did a Good Job'
–– 'Bitch hit the floor, right?'
Alaska First-Graders Suspended for Allegedly Plotting to Poison Classmate
–– A Palin, so just one day.
William Shatner Sued for $170 Million in Paternity Case
–– Although kid's pointy ears suggest Spock might be dad.
New York City TLC elaborates on sexual harassment rules
–– In loving detail.
This is how big an asteroid would need to be to wipe out New York City
–– Well, here’s Chris Christie, now if you remove …
‘Making a Murderer' convict Steven Avery's new lawyer thinks she may have found the real murderer
–– On Hulu series.
Supreme Court sympathetic to property owner in wetlands dispute
–– Who is currently in up to chin.
What life is like after police ransack your house and take ‘every belonging’ — then the charges are dropped
–– Imagine you live on Chicago's South Side…
How to watch Wednesday’s MSNBC town halls
–– Supine with Nembutal drip.
Bill’s Alleged Mistress: Hillary Had 'Several Abortions,' Kept Chelsea to Advance Her Career
–– Legally adopted Monica Lewinsky before BJ, pushed Nathalie Wood overboard.
Mystery object slams into Jupiter
–– Scientists believe it may've been beach ball from Port Saint Lucie.
Luxury soaps recalled over bacteria
–– The Young and the Restless and General Hospital.
Climate Model Predicts West Antarctic Ice Sheet Could Melt Rapidly
–– Sporting ‘sea-rise-high’ stilettoes on runway.
FBI needs to offer Apple an olive branch
–– Or pear stem.
The Life-saving Rats of Mozambique
–– Love minty hard candy.
Disney’s ‘Dumbass’ Blasts Past ‘Deadpool,’ ‘Revenant,’ at Argentine Box Office
–– Which one?
My brother is an ISIS executioner
–– And I don’t know what to get him for his birthday.
Terminix fined $10 million
–– Roach clipped.
Utah passes 'fetal pain' abortion law
–– And establishes Panned Parenthood to offer reproductive non-services.
Anderson Cooper Shuts Down Trump: ‘That’s the Argument of a 5-Year-Old’
–– Piece of meatloaf.
Unions Win Fee Victory as Supreme Court Ties 4-4
–– California Teachers Association button left on Scalia’s grave.
How astronomers could find the 'real' planet Krypton
–– By appearing in next Superman movie.
First family hosts its last White House Easter Egg Roll
–– Was dying to get it over with.
Delta employee arrested with more than $282,000 in backpack
–– Claimed it was ‘golden parachute.’
Mexico captures El Chapo's alleged money launderer
–– El Cheero.
Oculus Rift Review: 'Time will move by without you realizing it'
–– Exactly what happens when reading meaningless opinions online.
‘I Will Never Call Her Again': Daughter of Missing Indiana Woman Discovered 42 Years Later Has No Plans for a Happy Reunion
–– Can’t remember name.
Unicorns Were Real, and a New Fossil Shows When They Lived
–– In Cannabizoic Era.
8 Things You Need to Know Before Shopping at Trader Joe’s
–– 6. You can’t barter skins for food.
Man’s Leg Blown Off While Shooting Lawn Mower Packed With Explosives
–– Did kill crab grass.
Polyamory Made My Marriage Better
–– So much fucking better.
ISIS’ No. 2 Killed in US Special Operations Raid
–– A really big shit.
FBI probing virus behind outage at MedStar Health facilities
–– Computers have Obamacare.
California reaches deal to be first state with $15/hour minimum wage
–– Waltons praying for Big One.
Mourners pay tribute to Rob Ford
–– With a snort.
ISIS marked Good Friday with a priest's crucifixion
–– Crossed that off list.
Chris Pratt spent his Easter Sunday setting up a massive cross
–– Not in Syria.
Wall Street Executive Arrested For Stealing $25 Million From Charitable Foundation
–– And given huge bonus.
Fidel Castro blasts Obama's trip: Cuba doesn't need 'empire' for anything
–– Empire blew across.
Georgia Governor Nathan Deal Vetoes Anti-Gay Religious Freedom Bill
–– No Deal.
Cubs player swarmed by bees in outfield
–– Expected pop flies.
Brussels Islamic militant recruiter groomed young men for violence
–– And looking good for 72 Dark-Eyed Virgins in Paradise.
Global Catholic Network founder Mother Angelica has died
–– Cancelled by the Lord.
Mother Angelica Dies on Easter Sunday
–– Ratings hath risen.
See why sad 'Papaw' is smiling now
–– Banged 'Mamaw'.
Bernie Sanders: 'I think we know who ISIS is'
–– Studied ancient Egypt in college.
The Milkshake That Almost Killed Castro
–– In Operation: Ice Cuba.
In Donald Trump’s Worldview, America Comes First, and Everybody Else Pays
–– No, Americans would really pay.
Leading climate scientist warns of superstorms and worse than expected sea level rises
–– Climate scientist: more depressing occupation than dentist.
Mexicans burn Donald Trump effigies in Easter ritual
–– New traditions are good.
Box Office: 5 Reasons 'Batman v Superman' Defied Dismal Reviews to Land Record Opening
–– 3. Critics didn't speak in word balloons.
Audiences Give Batman v Superman Same CinemaScore as Catwoman, Green Lantern
–– And who doesn’t trust 14-year-old fanboys?
‘Batman v Superman': The Problem With Turning the Man of Steel Into the Son of God
–– Mary Magdalene wasn't a reporter.
Pope slams Europe over migrants, denounces paedophile priests
–– Pans Batman v Superman.
North Carolina’s bathroom legislation makes state an outlier in nation
–– And state legislative body an outhouse.
Port-a-Potty protest held outside State Capitol
–– Can’t begin to contain the crap.
Defense Secretary Ash Carter used personal email account for nearly a year
–– Because he didn't watch Fox News and learn it was moral equivalent of genocide.
Republicans Want Guns In Schools But Not At Their National Convention
–– They’re not that crazy.
Thousands sign satirical petition to allow guns at Republican Convention
–– Should impress irony-free party.
The Radovan Karadzic verdict will change nothing
–– For butchers in Bosnia.
Snoop Dogg launches nature show, fulfilling fans' dreams
–– Sniff Dogg?
Dubai World Cup: The $10 million race
–– Soon-to-be-broke emirs all betting on it.
Tavi Gevinson is a 19 year-old Anna Wintour
–– Harsh!
Donald Trump reveals when he thinks America was great
–– Usually while on the crapper.
San Francisco mayor bans city workers from traveling to North Carolina
–– Afraid they might return with anti-LGBT cooties.
Rolling Stones make history with free concert in Cuba
–– Keith Richards most dilapidated wreck on road.
American Airlines co-pilot suspected of being drunk, airport spokesman says
–– When he lost Beer Pong to pilot.
Robert De Niro Pulls Controversial Anti-Vaccination Documentary From Tribeca Film Festival
–– Inoculating self from controversy.