KAINE AIN'T ABLE
Week of 07/29/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
What Kaine whispered to Clinton
–– 'Where's the buffet?'
Trump campaign mocks report of latest Clinton hack
–– Congratulates 'Serge and Vassily.'
Debbie Wasserman Schultz Says She 'Took One for the Team' by Resigning
–– The Washington Gnats.
Snowden And WikiLeaks Go To War Over The Ethics Of The DNC Email Hack
–– Get into leaking contest.
Former Fox News Booker Goes Public With Roger Ailes Harassment Claims: "He's a Predator"
–– 'Kind of like a really overweight Grizzly.'
Jane Sanders: Why Bernie Voters Shouldn't Get Over It
–– Hallucinogen comedown tough.
Green party candidate: People have 'real questions' about vaccines
–– Same ones who can't count primary votes.
Intruder watches couple sleep
–– Cat napped.
Trump on 'lock her up' chant: 'I'm starting to agree'
–– Undecided about waterboarding her.
Steve Guttenberg: What Bill Clinton saw in 'Police Academy'
–– ‘My stupid face.’
Rupert Murdoch Sells West Village Townhouse for $27.5 Million
–– Took $2 mil off price for fumigation costs.
Scientists probe ‘purple blob’ mystery on Pacific sea floor
–– Following Barney's dsappearance from cruise ship.
Woman who laced husband’s milkshake, then bludgeoned him wants lighter sentence
–– Wants fair shake.
Jared Leto Says He Still Has Some of the Joker Left in Him 'Somewhere'
–– Explaining adult diaper.
Mike Pence Says Name Calling Has No Place In Public Life
–– How about in presidential cosplay?
Pence Invokes Lincoln To Defend Trump's Russia Comments
–– Abe does 360 in grave.
Supporters began lining up at 2:30 p.m. in Waukesha ahead of Gov. Mike Pence’s appearance
–– Scheduled for 12 noon.
Norway to give Finland a mountain?
–– Of salmon.
The father of Muslim soldier killed in action just delivered a brutal repudiation of Donald Trump
–– Right in the Khizr.
Mosquitoes transmit Zika in FL
–– Smuggled in from South America.
With Degree Debunked, Melania Trump Website Is Taken Down
–– Resumé fake as tits.
Armed Man in a Dress Robs a Staten Island Bank
–– Authorities suspect notorious RuPaul Gang.
Scientists find cancer in million-year-old fossil
–– Next to tube of SPF1 sunblock.
Elon Musk's push for autopilot unnerves some Tesla employees
–– Fear no one's at wheel.
Not Hiding It! Jennifer Garner Shows More Evidence To Back Up Baby Rumors — And Reveals Her Bra!
–– Her boob Ben not visible.
India Achieved in Two Years What China Didn't in a Decade
–– Big Mac Vindaloo.
North Carolina GOP mistakenly attacks Kaine for 'shameful' Marine pin that honored his son
–– Because internet was broken and they couldn’t check to see that Honduran flag looked nothing like it.
'I will row through s**t for you, America'
–– Clinton on upcoming campaign.
Donald Trump’s Appeal to Russia Shocks Foreign Policy Experts
–– His appeal to anyone shocks sane.
Donald Trump Again Praises Putin’s Leadership, Saying It’s Better Than Obama’s
–– ‘Which is why I followed it.’
Viacom Wishes the Real Stephen Colbert Would Leave the Old Stephen Colbert Alone
–– Accuses him of doppelgängbang.
Bill O'Reilly Responds to Michelle Obama's Speech: Slaves Who Built White House Were "Well-Fed"
–– And "shockingly ungrateful."
Critic’s Notebook: Bill Clinton Delivers a Mash Note to Hillary at the Democratic Convention
–– Appropriate for a masher.
Donald Trump Defends RNC in Interview: "I Wasn't Looking for Star Power, I Was Looking for Policy"
–– “I didn't find any, but still…”
Trump says Russia should find Clinton's missing emails
–– And every reference on internet to his 'little hands' so he can expand first term enemy's list.
Lindsay Lohan Reportedly Seen Accusing Boyfriend of Abuse in Massive Fight After Weekend Drama
–– Hid vodka.
Dentist Shows Off Gruesome Injures After Shark Attack In The Bahamas
–– X-ray of fish shows dental damage.
UAW chief says Clinton told him she would renegotiate NAFTA
–– Bill provided wink.
Susan Sarandon Confirms She Had ‘the Worst Time’ During the Democratic National Convention
–– Felt 'Bernt out.'
Trump Says 'Disloyal' Hillary Clinton Threw DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz 'Under a Bus' in Email Scandal
–– Where she rolled into Corey Lewandowski.
Scientists think they've found the origin of all earthly life
–– At Garden of Eden display at Kentucky's Creation Museum.
Why The Moon Should Never Be Terraformed
–– It's Terrable idea.
What Happens When These People Witness A 'Pastor' Trying To 'Pray Away The Gay'?
–– Have uncontrollable urge to felch.
Donald Trump says he wants to raise the federal minimum wage to $10 an hour
–– In all non-gaming and real estate fields.
Lena Dunham, America Ferrera Say Donald Trump Considers Them ‘a 2’ and ‘a Rapist,’ Respectively
–– Trump: 'A 2 combined, and how else would they get any?'
Report: Athletes at Rio Olympics 'will literally be swimming in human crap'
–– Prepare by binge watching RNC and DNC.
FBI Director Says Decision to Forgo Charges Against Hillary Clinton 'Wasn't That Hard' to Make
–– ‘Except the part where I had to justify it.’
Sheriff David Clarke: My message for America’s black community – It’s time to leave the Democratic Party
–– Or I’ll stop, frisk and shoot.
Donald Trump’s Big Lie About the Law That ‘Threatens’ Christians
–– Although it's good to hear him defend religion not his own.
What do ordinary citizens in the Arab world really think about the Islamic State?
–– Approval ratings on par with that of Congress in US.
Clinton nomination puts 'biggest crack' in glass ceiling
–– Trump in ass.
‘Little doubt' Russia behind DNC hack, US official says
–– They supported Debbie Wasserman Schultz?
This is where the tallest people live
–– Apartments with high ceilings.
HIV-positive man who gets paid to have sex with kids arrested
–– Got job on monster.com.
Bill Clinton's love letter to his wife
–– That begins “Sorry…”
Inside Tesla's huge Gigafactory
–– Giga bites.
Reagan shooter to be released
–– Jody Foster careful what she says about Trump.
Psychic network pitchwoman dies
–– Did not see that coming.
The GOP convention prompted this Utah state senator to exit the Republican Party
–– Stormin' Mormon.
Kids stripped, assaulted, tear-gassed
–– On Gordon Ramsay’s MasterChef Junior.
An Insanely Rich Formula 1 Executive's Mother-In-Law Is Being Held For A $36.5 Million Ransom In Rio
–– Would’ve paid that to get rid of her.
Hillary Clinton: 'Criticizing me' is the only thing unifying Republicans
–– She has to admit: it is fun.
Why Putin hates Hillary
–– Bigger balls.
Ship hits wall of Panama Canal renewing design concerns
–– Shit hits fan.
Man Loses Leg After Croc Attack in Costa Rica
–– Misplaced it in room the next day.
Islamic State group claims attack that killed priest
–– After slaying 86-year-old priest, brave jihadis to target paraplegics and fetuses.
When gay Sailor was outed, he found his Navy buddies had his back
–– Um, can we rephrase that?
Billionaire could lose his knighthood after putting 11,000 jobs at risk
–– Sir Axe-a-Lot.
Sarah Silverman: 'Bernie-or-bust people, you're being ridiculous'
–– Busted them.
What moved Jennifer Aniston to tears
–– Toxic eyeliner.
DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz resigns amid email leaks revealing plot against Bernie Sanders
–– By gang that couldn't root straight.
Chris Sale scratched from start after destroying throwback uniforms
–– Fire Sale!
Peyton Manning Cleared of PED Use After NFL Investigation
–– Always wore full-length socks.
Sigourney Weaver hoping to reprise 'Alien' heroine Ripley
–– Believe it or not.
Iggy Azalea's fans claim her bottom is 'fake' after posting a raunchy Instagram photo
–– Although she clearly prefers being top.
Say what you will about the F-35, but America's most expensive war machine has a gorgeous helmet
–– And creates a beautiful corpse.
Mom Leaves Infant Daughter in Car in 96 Degree Heat to Eat Pizza
–– At least she left food.
Tigers kill one, injure one in China wildlife park
–– Detroit still loses game.
Ariana Grande Apparently Lost A White House Gig Thanks To That Donut Licking Scandal
–– The hole shebang.
Air Conditioning Repairman Nearly Beats Woman to Death During House Call: Cops
–– Asked to cool it.
Assange’s revenge? DNC WikiLeaks lights up social media, steps on Kaine VP nod
–– Assange was ready to light up hair for attention.
FBI investigating whether Russians hacked Democratic Party's emails to help Donald Trump
–– Or to make Putin feel half inch taller.
Clinton And Kaine Insist On '60 Minutes' That They Won't Roll Around In The Mud With Trump
–– Will only do with pigs on Wall Street.
Hillary Clinton Introduces Tim Kaine As 'Everything Donald Trump And Mike Pence Are Not'
–– 'And Joe Biden is.'
Dismayed by Donald Trump, Michael Bloomberg Will Endorse Hillary Clinton
–– Dismay a synonym for horrify?
Marni Nixon, the Singing Voice Behind the Screen, Dies at 86
–– Lips sink.
John Oliver Calls RNC a "Mismanaged S—tshow" That Emphasized Feelings Over Facts
–– Or a perfect reflection of their candidate.
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer: "I'm Planning to Stay"
–– Home.
McDonald’s forced to halt Big Mac sales in Venezuela
–– First bit of good news for country in weeks.
Max Landis is writing a Pepe Le Pew movie, even though that sounds awful
–– Or, y’know, kinda, well…stinks.
Tinder expands into group matches for wild nights out
–– New slogan: I'm love-in it.
Pokemon Go got Brooklyn man going, he says he got 'em all
–– Finally has epitaph.
Clinton’s campaign manager: Russia helping Trump
–– And fucking that up, too.
Rio Olympics: Athletes welcomed with condoms, air conditioning
–– Don't expect hot sex.
Benghazi victim's mother asks Trump to stop talking about son's death
–– Appeals to his better angels: they were fired in 1982.
Donald Trump on Roger Ailes’ Fox News Exit: ‘Very Sad’
–– A fair summation of career.
George Harrison estate offended that RNC used his music
–– Here Comes the Scum seemed appropriate.
You can now ride your luggage around the airport
–– As long as you’re in it.
COMICAL CON
Week of 07/22/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Mike Pence Appears To Contradict Trump's Stance On NATO
–– This week's?
The world's last VCR will be manufactured this month
–– Ahh, porn yesterday!
Tim Kaine selected as Hillary Clinton's running mate
–– Raises Kaine.
Is Tim Kaine Boring? The Dems Should Hope So.
––
Not to worry.
Jeff Bezos passes Warren Buffett to become third richest person in the world
–– Aboard drone.
Secret Service Investigating Trump Adviser Al Baldasaro, Who Said Hillary Clinton Should Be 'Shot for Treason'
–– Vetting him for WH assignment.
Peter Thiel prompts wild applause at GOP convention: 'I am proud to be gay. I am proud to be Republican'
–– Senior crowd thought he meant carefree and lighthearted.
Laura Ingraham calls Hillary Clinton the ‘man buns’ of politics
–– Trump 'flabby buttocks' of politics.
Crystal Hefner shows off body after having breast implants removed
–– Still trying to remove gnarled growth
from side.
How Donald Trump Keeps Changing His Mind on Abortion, Torture and Banning Muslims
–– With adult diapers.
The Drama of Ted Cruz: A Little Bit of Marc Antony in That Speech?
–– Or J-Lo when you’ve got that big an ass?
Gay Republicans at the Convention: Scarce, Except in D.C. Delegation
–– And AC/DC delegation.
Trump Pledges Order and Says: ‘I Am Your Voice’
–– ‘That insanely angry one in your head.’
With an Air-Kiss, Donald Trump Shows His Softer Side
–– And by leaning head towards cameras.
Jerry Falwell Jr. endorses Donald Trump with 'yo mamma' joke
–– Jr. a 'yo papa' joke.
Gretchen Carlson Declares Victory Over Roger Ailes: "Courage Caused a Seismic Shift"
–– So does each step he takes.
Anti-LGBT Bathroom Law Just Cost North Carolina the All-Star Game
–– NBA will dribble elsewhere.
Colorado town warns of THC in the water
–– Swim team takes 24 hours to complete 100 metres freestyle.
This magazine won't Photoshop models
–– National Geographic.
Ailes, Trump counseling each other
–– Ailes: give Cruz primetime slot, Trump: double down on feeling up.
Medicine is failing obese people
–– Refuse to take unless wrapped in hot dog.
40% of adults who have downloaded Pokémon Go are 25 or older
–– And should be seeking a life instead.
Peter Thiel to tell RNC he's proudly gay
–– Founder of PocketPal.
’Hillary’s America’ Director Dinesh D’Souza is Backing Donald Trump: ‘Insensitive is not Racist’
— But stupid is stupid.
Whale Lunges Out of Water, Surprising Flute-Playing Paddleboarder
–– Who was trying to raise sea snake.
What is Trump's biggest general election hurdle?
–– Self.
Ann Coulter: Pence a ‘stupid choice’ for VP
–– From a ‘moronic source’ for opinion.
Trash piles up where Nice killer died
–– Should’ve driven garbage truck.
Trump supporters feel worse off than Clinton fans
–– Especially after RNC.
Brazilian police arrest 10 suspected of planning terrorist acts during Olympics
–– Claim to be Syria’s shooting team.
Oscar-Winning Donald Duck Short About Nazi Germany Taken Off Russia's List of Extremist Material
–– Recent Goofy short Pitch and Putin still on it.
What does arresting 9,000 officers do to Turkey's military readiness?
–– In staging another coup.
Alligator attack: Family won't sue
–– For defamation of reptile son’s character.
Miami shooting: Man shot by cops was lying down with hands up, lawyer says
–– Police: ‘Well, since he was black
Ted Cruz Stirs Convention Fury in Pointed Snub of Donald Trump
–– Cries of 'Et tu, Cruz?'
Cruz: 'Vote your conscience'
–– ‘Whatever that is.’
Trump Blasts Ted Cruz for 'Not Honoring the Pledge' After Convention Speech
–– ‘Y’know, the one I did, then didn’t, then might’ve said I’d honor.’
Fatwa issued for Pokemon Go in Saudi Arabia
–– Female characters ordered to wear burqas.
Fox News Chaos as Possible Roger Ailes Replacements Identified
–– Murdoch rattled when he hears Goebbels' unavailable.
Ivanka Trump Defends Donald Trump Ahead of GOP Convention Day 3: "I Know Who He Is As a Human Being"
–– ‘And possible sex offender.’
Appeals court: Texas voter ID law violates Voting Rights Act
–– Law's proponents
Updated Brain Map Identifies Nearly 100 New Regions
–– None in Deep South.
Meet Mike Pence's chief adviser: Karen Pence
–– When she’s not selling towel charms.
Kerry poker-faced as press takes Johnson to task for 'outright lies'
–– Other player had all jokers.
Trump aide offers resignation in Melania Trump plagiarism incident
–– Campaign finally finds female flunky to take fall.
Newt Gingrich: 'Who cares' if Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama
–– ‘I’ve been ripping off Mein Kampf for years.’
Pakistani man dismembered, killed for having affair, police say
–– Who says fanatics are sexist?
Twitter Permanently Suspends Breitbart Editor Milo Yiannopoulos After Leslie Jones Harassment
–– Dodo’s tweets silenced.
Johnny Depp doubles price of French estate to $55 million
–– Just got dealer’s bill.
Whale carcass keeps washing up
–– At least it’s clean.
Ben Carson defends connecting Hillary Clinton to Lucifer
–– ‘Her nickname’s Hill, which sorta sounds like Hell and she’s given Republicans a devil of a time.’
Unilever to buy Dollar Shave Club for $1 billion
–– Apparently misread name.
John McCain claims President Obama 'allowed' Nice terror attack
–– 'Likely issued fatwa.'
Pakistan Bars Family From 'Forgiving' Son For Honor Killing Of Qandeel Baloch
–– But they can still 'high five' him in court room.
Who is David Clarke Jr.? And why are so many Republicans excited about this Democrat?
–– Sheriff Uncle Tom? Who can blame them.
Former U.S. Military Official Says George W. Bush Created ISIS
–– But still pronounces it ‘is is’.
George W. Bush is reportedly worried he'll be America's last Republican president
–– Well, they went out on a high note.
Garry Marshall, 'Happy Days' Creator and Director of 'Pretty Woman,' Dies at 81
–– Jumps shark.
Giuliani on His Speech: ‘Fear Is a Legitimate Feeling’
–– ‘The only feeling!’
Paul Ryan at Republican Convention: ‘What Do You Say That We Unify This Party?’
–– ‘I got some Gorilla Glue.’
Some RNC Attendees Have Explosive Vomiting and Diarrhea, Because of Norovirus
–– One can imagine other causes.
Jeff Bezos plays an alien in the new Star Trek movie
–– Fears typecasting.
Top Volkswagen executives charged with fraud in emission scandal
–– CEO: ‘Aww, fahrvergnügen!’
Yahoo 'screws it up,' writes down $482 million of Tumblr
–– Stocks tumbl.
Jeb Bush trashes Trump on eve of GOP convention
–– At make-believe RNC Poppy hosted in Kennebunkport.
Melania Trump’s speech appears to have cribbed from Michelle Obama’s in 2008
–– Or they shared family credo because they’re secret sisters.
Lewandowski: Staffer behind speech should resign
–– Sensible advice: another reason he was fired as campaign manager.
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus: It’d Be ‘Reasonable’ to Fire Melania Trump’s Speechwriter
–– Then realizes how “Reasonable’ and ‘Trump’ sound in same sentence.
Chris Christie, Paul Manafort Dismiss Melania Trump Plagiarism Accusations
–– 'No way, she thinks plagiarism is a skin disease.'
Donald Trump Jr. Blames Writers for Melania Trump Speech
–– 'I warned her reading was dangerous.'
Giuliani hammers Clinton
–– In your dreams, Rudy.
I was black before I was a cop
–– And you were let go?
Elon Musk says Autopilot upgrade could be coming
–– After we complete body count.
Former Fox staffers have Ailes stories -- here's why they're afraid to speak
–– PTSD in wake of his advances.
Mood at Fox is tense as Murdochs consider removing Ailes
–– Consulting proctological surgeons.
Megyn Kelly May Have Been Sexually Harassed by Roger Ailes
–– No other plausible scenarios of why he hired her.
Roger Ailes' Lawyer on His Exit Negotiations, Possible Fox News Future and If He Feels Betrayed by Megyn Kelly (Q&A)
–– Of course, bitch turned him down.
Garth Brooks on Trisha Yearwood: I Love Breathing the Same Air She's Breathing
–– ‘Cause mine stinks of booze.
Turkey’s President Erdogan refuses to rule out death penalty
–– Unable to hide ‘full salute’ as he discusses.
Turkey Fires Nearly 9,000 Officers After Failed Coup Attempt
–– Erdogan wants troops that will kill citizens in street when ordered.
Grateful Syrian refugees back Turkey's president
–– Highest praise: He ain’t Assad.
‘Ghostbusters’ Is No. 2, Behind ‘Secret Life of Pets,’ but Sony’s Giddy
–– Manhola Dargis maybe, but not company which dropped a quarter bil making and marketing it.
‘I Feel a Deep Sense of Remorse,’ Donald Trump’s Ghostwriter Says
–– The art of the dele.
‘Slow-witted’ man wows mathematicians
–– As they calculate his odds of winning in November.
Brother of Pakistan's Qandeel Baloch: I'm 'proud' of strangling my sister
–– Rob Kardashian: ‘I can relate.’
GOP Convention, Night One: Scott Baio, Antonio Sabato Jr. and Melania Trump
–– The Mutt Squad.
Can Trump give disaffected Americans more than anger and fear?
–– Only if they have profound sense of irony.
Angry mob pelts South Korean prime minister with eggs
–– Security scrambles.
NFL to put computer chips in balls
–– Tom Brady’s pair first.
Nice: Attacker 'wasn't very intelligent'
–– Whoa, harsh.
Kasich: I Can't Ban Open Carry at RNC
–– ‘I’m a sucker for suspense.’
GOP lawmaker regrets calling for Clinton to be hanged
–– “After all, she ain’t colored.”
’Star Trek’ cast unsure of how the mission continues on without Anton Yelchin
–– Because no actor under 30 can do bad Russian accent.
Drunken off-duty NYPD cop plows SUV onto Brooklyn sidewalk, killing a pedestrian and seriously injuring three others
–– ISIS claims credit.
Why France Has Become the Number One Target for Terror
–– A fatwa on hauteur.
Disney Worker Fired—Then Rehired—After Tweet About Alligators at the Park
–– At scale.
Bangladesh stops open defecation in just over a decade
–– Except on human rights.
Stress May Be Turning Drug Kingpin El Chapo Bald
–– Should stimulate scalp by massaging with crack.
Can Mike Pence's vow not to sling mud survive a Trump campaign?
–– After own running mate hits him in back of head with clump.
12-Year-Old Arrested in Plot to Shoot Baton Rouge Police
–– As part of summer school project.
Ivanka Trump's Rabbi Pulls Out of Speaking Engagement at Republican National Convention
–– Rabbi pulled out of hate.
10 things to know about Mike Pence
–– 10. Last name is plural form of penny, exact value of his thoughts.
Selena Gomez and Kevin Hart's Instragram Post Are 100% Authentic: "People Can Tell"
–– "You can’t fake dumb."
Men fall from cliff playing Pokémon Go
–– Discover Pikachu hiding in ER.
Are cats the ultimate weapon in public health?
–– But couldn't care less?
Driver Was known as Moody Oddball
–– In screwball comedy version of Nice attack.
MAKING NUMBER 2
Week of 07/15/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Trump Formally Names Mike Pence as VP Running Mate
–– After vetting his Pence.
Woman finds 8-foot snake under SUV
–– Realizes it’s tail pipe.
Erdogan resorts to iPhone's FaceTime after coup attempt
–– Siri informs him coup is soft murmuring sound made by dove or pigeon.
Twitter claims 'intentional slowing' of service during Turkey's coup
–– Creating dangerous disruption of misinformation.
EU source says Turkey coup bid looks substantial, 'not just a few colonels'
–– Get general idea.
Nice terror attacker Mohamed Lahouaiej Bouhlel told police 'I'm delivering ice cream' when questioned just hours before massacre
–– Rocky road?
Driver in Nice was convicted for road rage
–– Authorities didn't take away license to kill.
Chris Christie Lost Out on the Job He Wanted. And His Bad Year Got Worse.
–– And all's we can do is smile.
Stephen Colbert Serves Bill Maher a ‘Bowl of Trump’ for Being Wrong
–– Served with and for crackers.
David Samson, Ally of Christie, Admits to Bribery Over Airline Route
–– Got Samson, how about da liar?
El Chapo going 'crazy' in jail: lawyer
–– What was he before?
Jagger, 72, becoming a dad again
–– Yes, we know: Papa was a Rolling Stone.
Pokemon Go Players Rescue Dozens Of Abandoned Animals
–– After trampling hundreds of babies.
IKEA recalls 80,000 baby gates
–– That can't contain Pokemon Go players.
Trump family brain trust on display
–– Looks like mushroom patch.
Gingrich: Test every Muslim in U.S.
–– Trump chose Pence, Newt, you can calm down now.
Darryl Strawberry Says He Had Sex in MLB Clubhouse During Games
— With ball girl.
Victoria Beckham's kiss with daughter: Is it wrong?
–– That anyone’s even discussing it?
Colleagues Mad That Megyn Kelly Isn’t Speaking Up for Roger Ailes
–– Instead hanging on to last shred of diginity.
Francois Hollande's hairdresser bill shocks the world
–– How'd he coiffe up dough?
Prince Harry gets tested to fight HIV
–– STD scan more useful.
STD could get a lot harder to treat
––
Especially if you can't get lot harder.
Roger Ailes allegedly sexually harassed former Fox News star jumping on trampoline at company barbecue
–– While singing: 'I see Paris, I see France…'
‘Ghostbusters’ Denied Release in China
–– Party accused of sexism by Manohla Dargis.
A UFO Is Closing in on Earth and NASA Is Covering It Up, According to YouTubers
–– Who are closely monitoring Jeff Goldblum's movements.
Gingrich is a vice-presidential finalist, but his last campaign is still millions in debt
–– Makes him ideal heir to King of Debt.
Fearsome Argentine dinosaur had pitifully puny arms
–– But would tear you to shreds with clawed feet if you told him so.
Mass Overdose of K2 Synthetic Marijuana Eyed as Cause of 'Zombieland' in Brooklyn
–– Or mass Hipsteria.
D.B. Cooper got away with it
–– His shattered bones gloating in trackless waste.
Tesla reveals 'cheaper' Model X SUV
–– With ‘hinkier’ autopilot.
Beverly Hills bakery accused of human trafficking
–– 'Cupcakes' off menu.
TMZ Moves to Dismiss Penis Cutting Defamation Lawsuit
–– Want it removed from briefs.
‘God’s Not Dead 2' Billboard Nixed at GOP Convention After Being Called "Incendiary"
–– But he’ll wish he was after Cleveland.
Liam Neeson Concerned About North Korean Threats Against MacArthur War Movie
–– Would it make good plot for Taken 4?
Selena Gomez: How I Became Instagram's Most Followed Person (Without Really Trying)
–– For people not really thinking.
‘Star Trek Beyond' Cast Throws Weight Behind Gay Sulu
–– In latest slang for gang bang.
Pokemon Go: 6 Real-World Hazards of the Catch 'Em All Craze
–– 2. Someone you know might see you playing.
Obama Tells Mourning Dallas, ‘We Are Not as Divided as We Seem’
–– Statement needs to be translated into several idioms.
Ashley Madison wants you to find 'your moment,' not 'have an affair'
–– In lamest new slang for quickie.
Trump declines invite to NAACP convention
–– With noose doodled on it.
Fox News suspending ties with Gingrich
–– Cut blimp free.
UK PM Cameron: I was the future
–– Yes, Britain in ruins.
Polygamist leader flees after slipping out ankle bracelet using oil, FBI says
–– Was well-versed in use of lubricants.
Canadian Singers Apologize For "All Lives Matter" Lyrics During All-Star Game National Anthem
–– "We're from not so Great White North."
Paul Ryan tries to get GOP to coalesce round Trump
–– Like metastasizing cancer cells.
‘They Were the Best Among Us': Bush Remembers Fallen Dallas Officers
–– Especially with him in mix.
Message from Mars? Morse code dunes found on red planet
–– Mars code?
The boy kept as a 'singing slave'
–– By Simon Cowell.
Austria seizing Hitler's birthplace to prevent Nazi pilgrimage site
–– Mecca for morons.
Think dinosaurs roared like in ‘Jurassic Park’?
–– Yes, and were actually cloned from fossilized DNA.
‘Is that a pig?’ Indiana girl, 9, finds sunburned newborn baby abandoned in back yard, police say
–– Tots do tend to be sloppy.
Freedom Caucus agitator who pushed out Boehner pleads for Ryan's help
–– Aww, throw him a Lifesaver. Lemon.
The Giancarlo Show: Stanton slams 61 to become Home Run Derby legend
–– And it took Roger Maris whole season.
Debt to top World War II peak within 20 years
–– Finally: a relatable statistic.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Trump: 'He is a faker,' should share tax returns
–– RBG unloads rhetorical RBG.
Donald Trump Calls Ruth Bader Ginsburg, His Critic, a ‘Disgrace’
–– Her measured response: 'Takes one to know one, nah nah.'
Bill Cosby's New Lawyer Goes on Offensive Against "Imbalanced Media Coverage"
–– "Where are fair attacks on unbalanced, delusional bimbos who threw themselves at Mr. Cosby, were spurned, and sued for revenge?"
Quentin Tarantino Says to Expect Just Two More Films
–– Phew!
Who Would Run Fox News if Roger Ailes Was Forced to Step Down?
–– How sick is Berlusconi?
Can We Ignore the Alarm Bells the Bond Market Is Ringing?
–– Oh, thought that noise in ears was from all other bullshit economic predictions.
How Square Watermelons Get Their Shape, and Other G.M.O. Misconceptions
–– They’re grown by unhip cats.åå
Dwarf planet found beyond Pluto
–– After he squats in far reaches of Galaxy.
Elon Musk teases new Tesla master plan
–– Mocks autopilot, sneers 'it's headed in wrong direction.'
GOP platform draft declares pornography 'public health crisis'
–– Male committe members unable to raise sore arms for show of hands.
Lawyer: Officer Thought Castile Resembled Robbery Suspect
–– 'And a little like OJ, come to think of it.'
HS Friend Recalls Dallas Gunman as ‘Really Funny’ Member of Tight-Knit Group
–– Always a 'blast.'
GOP committee blasts the Justice Department over big bank case
–– For NOT prosecuting!!!
Rare Noah's Ark Mosaic Uncovered in Ancient Synagogue in Israel
–– Advertising two-for-one sale.
Why Huge Amounts Of Garbage Are Washing Up On Hong Kong's Shores
–– Because huge numbers of people deposited it there.
Snoop Fails on Marijuana-Related ‘Family Feud’ Question, Steve Harvey Loses His Mind
–– From contact high with Dogg.
Missing Python Found After Escaping From Atlanta Zoo
–– Michael Palin tracked down on Peachtree Ave.
Who’s Theresa May, next British PM?
–– Yes.
Javier Bardem in Talks to Join Universal's Monsters Universe as Frankenstein
–– Go ahead, horror nerd, say it again: Frankenstein's the Doctor NOT the freakin' Monster!
More Female Fox News Anchors Come Forward to Defend Roger Ailes
–– And wonder why he didn’t hit on them.
10-time Grammy winner enters rehab
–– Chaka Khan ingested too many grammys.
Son isn't embarrassed of his exotic lap dancing mum who he 'shared a boyfriend' with
–– Shame! Come back!
Andrea Leadsom attacked by Tory MPs over ‘vile’ and ‘insulting’ comments on Theresa May’s childlessness
–– Besides, she just adopted special needs government.
Surprising New Evidence Shows Bias in Police Use of Force but Not in Shootings
–– Now both sides can finally have a reasoned sensible debate based on fact…NOT!
Polar bear put on display in mall enclosure so shoppers can take selfies
–– Want more shots with idiots' heads in mouth.
California ill-prepared for the Big One, experts say
–– Recommend Wet® Uranus™.
The diet industry is dying as a new mentality takes hold in America
–– ‘Fuck self-control.'
Family of killed U.S. journalist Marie Colvin sues Syria
–– Assad: ‘We take these charges very seriously and intend to give her family their day in…NOT!’
Johnny Manziel had this response to his Browns jerseys selling for $1.99
–– ‘Can you lend me 2 bucks?’
Carter announces 560 more US troops to Iraq
–– Drip, drip, drip.
Osama bin Laden's son vows to avenge his father's death
–– Like father, like scum.
Dallas police chief: Shooter scrawled 'RB' on wall in blood
–– Wanted Roast Beef Classic.
Germany’s Merkel takes tough line on Brexit: 'The decision has been made'
–– Blighty: 'Keep talking, luv, it'll make it easier to leave.'
Hillary Clinton Rejects F.B.I. Claim That She Was ‘Careless’ With Emails
–– Insists ‘my server was tremendous, huge –– the best in cyberspace. Everyone knows I’m Queen of email.’
Thumb Suckers and Nail Biters May Develop Fewer Allergies
–– And need fewer pedicures.
Is this Goliath's burial site? First-ever Philistine cemetery discovered
–– With extra-long plots.
Theresa May set to be Britain's PM as contender drops out
–– Couldn’t find minority, had to settle on woman to clean up mess.
Nintendo shares soar as new Pokemon mobile game captures hearts
–– And tiny tiny minds.
Giuliani: Blacks must say "what they're doing among themselves about the crime problem”
–– “They owe me an explanation.”
Rudy Giuliani’s Shameful MSNBC Appearance On Dallas Shooting
–– #liesaboutblacksmatter.
Gov. Greg Abbott in severe pain from burns as he traveled to Dallas in shooting aftermath
–– If any good came out of this tragedy.
Draft GOP platform calls for 'America first' trade policy, drops call for marriage amendment
–– Committee 'not wedded to it.'
Bahamas tells its citizens traveling to U.S.: Be careful
–– So do Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan.
‘No way' Mexico will pay for wall, its leader says
–– Even to keep Trump out.
Spanish bullfighter gored to death on live TV
–– Stuck landing.
CNN Invited Joe Walsh To Defend His Tweet Declaring War On Obama and Black Lives Matter
–– But erroneously contacted Eagles guitarist.
How Mental Illness Has Been Depicted on TV
–– See 'Republican Presidential Debates.'
Eric Trump: My dad's VP should make for a great COO
–– Or COOCOO.
Sarah Palin: Black Lives Matter is a 'farce'
–– Says buffoon.
Charlie Kaufman: "It Has Gotten Considerably Harder for Me" to Get Projects Made
–– “I can’t even get funding for Synecdoche, New York II!”
Trevor Noah: We Should All Be "Pro-Cop and Pro-Black"
–– And anti-him.
Roger Ailes Claims Gretchen Carlson Evading Contract, Confidentiality Obligations
–– ‘I told her to keep her mouth shut…well, not always.’
6 More Women Accuse Roger Ailes of Sexual Harassment
–– Ailes: 'Half a dozen chicks? I used to call that crackin' open a six-pack.'
N. Korea fires missile from sub
–– In Kim’s tub.
Wendy's credit card hack hit 1,000 restaurants
–– Thieves craved minimum credit lines.
FOR WHATEVER AILES YOU
Week of 07/08/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Gretchen Carlson Files Sexual-Harassment Suit Against Fox News Chief Roger Ailes
–– Wanted her for Fux & Friends.
Sexiest male vegan celeb is ...
–– Secretly eating a steak.
U.S. home to nearly a third of world's mass shootings
–– We are No. 1!
Fox Sets ‘Internal Review’ of Roger Ailes Harassment Allegations
–– Will need hazmat suit to ‘internally’ review Ailes.
Baton Rouge police work in a city divided by race
–– Or Anytown, USA.
Dallas shooting kills five police officers; suspected attacker was Army veteran
–– If only good guys had guns!
Police group: Minn. governor ‘exploited what was already a horrible and tragic situation’
–– Oh, so he convinced the madman to kill cops.
Philando Castile Minnesota police shooting: girlfriend captures aftermath on Facebook video
–– Can we click Unsee?
State Department reopens probe into Clinton emails
–– Just to shut Paul Ryan up.
Hate crime reports surge in Britain in weeks around 'Brexit'
–– Culminating in major hate crime.
U.S. has highest car crash death rate, despite progress, CDC says
–– And most texters.
Jogging strollers recalled after 215 injuries reported
–– People instructed to jog or stroll.
Man emerges from suitcase at train station after sneaking across Swiss border
–– The lug.
Ranger videotaped kicking defenseless pangolin, sparking outrage
–– Insists victim was armored.
‘Star Trek Beyond’: John Cho’s Character Sulu Is Openly Gay
–– Takeidar could’ve told you that.
The new 'Iron Man' is a black woman
–– And isn’t pressing clothes.
Donald Trump meets with Ted Cruz, Reince Priebus
–– At annual coven.
Ted Cruz to speak at RNC following Trump meeting
–– Will provide invocation to Dark Lord.
Brian Cox Turned Down ‘Game of Thrones’ Role Because It Didn’t Pay Enough
–– Was offered Miser Pennypinche.
Naked Emily Ratajkowski Spanks Piers Morgan in Latest Twitter Spat
–– He did pay for it.
Milwaukee’s Bernie Brewer Is Based on a Real-Life Super Fan
–– With hydrocephalus.
Astronomers capture supermassive black hole as it eats passing star
–– In week’s dirtiest stellar dispatch…
Giant space probe nails Jupiter mission
–– …Until this one.
Ryan formally asks DNI to block Clinton's access to classified info
–– And requests they lend him some National Intelligence.
The White House and Congress are rushing to stop the opioid epidemic. There’s one problem.
–– They’re all on oxies and moving very slow.
China warns the Philippines it will not recognise The Hague court ruling on South China Sea
–– They pirated it and renamed Haque cort ruling.
61-year-old man punches 300-pound bear twice and walks away
–– Doesn’t quite make it to corner.
Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton Campaigns in Talks for Possible Endorsement Next Week
–– But only if she lets hair go grey, uncombed.
‘They ordered everything!’ Obama and Clinton stop for barbecue, shock restaurant owner
–– Later found hungover in limo, mouths smeared with BBQ sauce.
ISIS reportedly boils its fleeing fighters alive in Fallujah
–– They’re really in the soup.
A Former Porn Addict Now Teaches Restraint
–– Moved on to S&M?
Trump on six-pointed star tweet: 'Should have left it up'
–– Should have shoved it up.
N. Korean leader's U.S. assets frozen
–– May never be able to use warehoused hair gel.
What was behind Mary Todd Lincoln's bizarre behavior?
–– An enAbeler.
Rose McGowan Pens Response to Critic of Renee Zellweger's Face: "Vile, Damaging, Stupid and Cruel"
–– Which is worse than what he said about it.
Corker takes himself out of Trump VP consideration
–– Puts cork in it.
Trump praises Saddam Hussein's efficient killing of 'terrorists,' calls today's Iraq 'Harvard for terrorism'
–– Vows to make America 'Trump U for anti-terrorism!'
Some Ashley Madison women were actually computer 'fembots'
–– Should’ve suspected when they bragged bras were ‘loaded.’
KKK wins 'Adopt-A-Highway' ruling in Georgia high court
–– But won’t touch blacktop.
Jackie Chan Joins ‘The Nut Job 2’
–– Concerns testicular surgery after fence-jumping stunt gone wrong.
Christie Brinkley Slams Trespasser Who Peed in Her Yard During 4th of July Weekend
–– For faulty sprinkler system.
Florida wages war on lionfish that is its harming underwater ecosystem
–– Over the bounding mane.
The Latest: Iraq Executes 5 a Day After Bombing
–– Including ‘fruits and vegetables.’
Paul Ryan: FBI's decision not to recommend charges against Hillary Clinton 'defies explanation'
–– Like his endorsement of Trump.
Being murdered is no reason to forgive student loan, New Jersey agency says
–– Won't let dead bury debt.
Russia will likely exhaust its Reserve Fund by next year to pay its budget deficit
–– May need to annex Switzerland to access more cash.
Scientists have found a way to repel great white sharks
–– Show them Jaws: The Revenge.
Brian Williams Sparks Outcry After Saying Obama Used ‘Richard Pryor Delivery’ in Speech
–– That nagger’s crazy.
Trump Praises Elie Wiesel After Using Neo-Nazi Image To Attack Hillary
–– 'I respect survivors. I'm a survivor, too. I survived 'those people' criticizing that damned six-pointed star.'
Reporter Calls Out Publisher (Donald Trump’s Son-in-Law) Over Anti-Semitism
–– Kushner: 'There isn't a bigoted bone in my Führer-in-…uh, father-in-law's body.'
Ghostly fish seen alive for first time ever
–– In Casper’s aquarium.
F.B.I. Recommends No Charges Against Hillary Clinton for Use of Personal Email
–– GOP accepts judgment with equanimity, praising Comey's wise…NOT!
Paul Ryan: House GOP will ask Comey to testify over FBI's Clinton email probe
–– After Benghazi, need new dead horse to beat.
Senate GOP fumes over FBI decision on Clinton probe
–– Party running on fumes.
Giuliani: Shocked at Comey's conclusion for 2 reasons
–– Rudy's Republican, assmonkey.
‘Goonies 2’: Corey Feldman Explains Why It’ll Probably Never Happen
–– Coke ain’t what it used to be.
Proud to Live in a Town Called Dildo
–– Enjoy being stuck with it.
The Lab Results Are In: Genes Might Be to Blame for Retrievers’ Obesity
–– New nickname: flabs.
‘Super bacteria' discovered in Rio's waters as Olympics near
–– Leading in early heat.
The unlikely godfather of the Islamic State
–– Zarqawi: high school dropout, gang leader, pimp –– and we were expecting Gandhi.
Who lived, who died in cafe attack
–– An interview with God.
New stealth bomber's cost is under the radar
–– And over the moon.
Amnesty documents 'chilling' abuses by armed groups in Syria
–– Freezer burns.
‘Depressed’ Argentina polar bear Arturo dies at 30
–– Returned home in freezer bag.
Donald Trump Isn’t Ronald Reagan—He’s Barry Goldwater
–– No, Rufus T. Firefly.
Severed head found on Fiji beach linked to missing Russians
–– They shared one?
Virginia bans child marriages: How common are they in the US?
–– As coomon as Barbie wedding cakes.
Bethenny Frankel Barbecues Burgers in an Itty Bitty Blue String Bikini
–– Enough to make your patty melt.
Berlusconi leaves hospital weak, hopes to still help Italy
–– Lifts nation’s spirits hoping he’ll soon be dead.
UAE tells citizens to watch what they wear while traveling after tourist arrested in Ohio
–– No white robes even after Memorial Day.
Phil Robertson Of 'Duck Dynasty' Offers Weird 'Proof' Of Jesus During Latest Public Freak-Out Session
–– Blind faith.
This Supercut Tallies Up Everyone Batman Brutally Murdered In 'Batman V Superman'
–– And gave bad hair styles.
Koch brothers’ plight likened to that of civil rights workers in the 1950s
–– By KKK.
Police: Mom Used Infant to Beat up Man in Daytona Beach
–– Baby's butt.
Student Drug Informant found With a Bullet in His Head and Rocks in His Backpack
–– Or vice versa?
Teresa Giudice on 'Hard' Time With Husband Joe in Prison
–– In latest slang for conjugal visit.
How Rolling Stone's Rape Story Became Its 'Worst Nightmare'
–– Including Bieber cover story?
Rotting Whale Carcass Washes Ashore on Martha's Vineyard
–– Yet stinks less than Black Dog gear.
Suspect’s Hand Cut off With Machete During Home Invasion
–– Thief stumped.
Drug lord's pet hippos roam Colombian village
–– Served as drug mules on '80s flights to LA.
Christoph Waltz Calls Brexit "Abysmal Stupidity"
–– With menacing insouciance.
Delhi residents give up cars to stop toxic air pollution
–– Curry-laced methane still problem.
Tesla is struggling to get its cars to customers
–– Autopilot keeps driving them into ditches.
Renters: You're paying more for less space
–– The landlord's credo.
Noel Neill, Actress Who Played First Lois Lane, Dies at 95
–– Laid to rest in crypton.
‘The gun didn't kill my boy. I did': Father grieves son he accidentally shot
–– Gun cleared of charges.
Joey Chestnut Wolfs Down Record 70 Hot Dogs to Reclaim Nathan’s Famous Championship
–– On a roll.
Anna Kendrick Says She Wants to Play Marvel's Squirrel Girl
–– But says no to nuts in mouth.
Aide to former Chinese president Hu Jintao jailed for life
–– Hu boy!
Justin Trudeau makes historic Pride march in Toronto
–– Excited participants salute below waist.
Stop saying Islam is a religion of peace: Taslima Nasreen
–– No, you: everyone else too scared.
July 4 message from Putin to Obama: Let's have better ties
–– And fireworks up your wazoo.
Michael Cimino, Director of ‘The Deer Hunter’ and ‘Heaven’s Gate,’ Dies at 77
–– St. Peter denies entry due to damage film caused reputation.
Jack Taylor, Founder of Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Dies at 94
–– Returned with empty tank.
Brexit Britain: Scotland's smallest distillery fears for the future
–– Until it gets blotto on single malt.
Giant spacecraft nears Jupiter
–– Controlled by polite, unhinged computer.
Nigel Farage resigns as Ukip leader: 'I have done my bit. Now I want my life back'
–– Speaking for all Brits he screwed over.
Angela Merkel 'to oust Jean-Claude Juncker' as Europe splits deepen over Brexit response
–– Got Juncker in the trunk.
New Zealand police find £7.5m ($10m) of cocaine inside diamante horse head flown in from Mexico
–– Was plain wood before stash.
A sexually transmitted disease the world thought it eradicated is coming back at an alarming rate
–– Clap trap.
Pope Says Mind of Predecessor Benedict Is Still 'Perfect'
–– Belongs in jar.
North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un 'binge eating and drinking' to cope with assassination fears
–– Oprah hoping he’ll do Weight Watchers testimonial.
Donald Trump: Republican National Convention Speaking Slots ‘Totally Filled’
–– ‘Like baby’s diaper.’
Rihanna Cancels Lollapalooza Date Over Zika Virus Worries
–– Colombian mosquitoes heart-broken.
This Tiny House in Los Angeles Lists for Almost as Much as Neighboring Mansions
–– So-called McMunchkin Mansion.
Officers reassigned over Bay Area police sex scandal
–– Preferred being meter maids.
Can we trust driverless cars?
–– To pay own tickets?
Katy Perry breaks a big record
–– A 78 across knee.
Fog fills plane cabin during flight
–– Typical British Air.
Brain eating amoeba found at unusually high levels at water park
–– On Naegleria Fowleri Flume.
Garrison Keillor Says Goodbye to ‘A Prairie Home Companion’ at the Hollywood Bowl
–– Senile and deaf, can’t hear him.
Trump looks to unlikely speakers for convention help
–– African Bushmen to click endorsement.
Thousands say 'No' to Brexit in colorful protest
–– Upthrust buttocks painted with Union Jack.
LYNCH PINNED
Week of 07/01/16
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Bill Clinton’s Lynch meeting causing waves
–– Mostly with middle fingers extended.
NASA will reach Jupiter on July 4
–– And plant sparkler on surface.
'Eat, Pray, Love' author announces separation from husband
–– Sent him note: 'Eat shit, love.'
Trump: 'I’m just flabbergasted’ by Clinton-Lynch meet
–– Trump brimming with flabbergas.
7 Years Of U.S. Drone And Airstrikes: White House Tallies Civilian Deaths
–– 64 to 116 in 'Oops" column.
ISIS Claims Responsibility for Dhaka Attack and Hostage Standoff
–– In signed Happy Ramadan card.
Here's how Varys really gets around so quickly on 'Game of Thrones'
–– Uber.
Can Hillary Clinton emojis win over the Snapchat generation?
–– Defs.
Man loses 140 pounds during freshman year of college
–– On FTSE 100.
Puerto Rico makes historic default
–– Embracing Trumponomics.
EXCLUSIVE: Teresa Giudice Says Husband Joe Is Getting Six-Pack Abs in Prison, Sends Her X-Rated Emails
–– And wide-mouthed sphincter.
Adnan Syed of 'Serial' Granted New Trial
–– But wants to stop being referred to as ‘Serial’ killer.
Man who died in fatal crash with Model S on Autopilot was allegedly watching a movie
–– Drive, He Said.
Mississippi law allowing denial of services to LGBT people is blocked by federal judge
–– Mississippi burning.
Workers strike at Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City
–– 'Trump' : labor union :: 'Mississippi' : gay marriage
Which GOP pols will actually show up at the convention?
–– Ones Trump can afford.
Port Authority officials applaud their transparency
–– Can see right through lies.
Trump lets 'heeby-jobbies' comment slide
–– Didn't get hijab connection, thought it meant careers for Jews.
Will the next British PM have the job from hell?
–– And really, really deserve it.
Bernie Sanders: 'No, I do not hate Secretary Clinton'
–– 'I prefer loathe.'
Hunt is on for bear that killed cyclist
–– Contact authorities if you see bear riding bike.
Conservative MPs in uproar as Boris Johnson 'rips party apart' by withdrawing from leadership contest after ambush by Michael Gove
–– Comment: 'Gove, fuck yourself.'
Is your hand sanitizer safe? The FDA wants to know
–– So does wino shoplifting at RiteAid.
Make your towels smell better by adding this 1 thing to your laundry load
–– A freshly-bathed baby.
The Most Uncomfortable Part of Your Gynecological Exam Might Not Be Super Necessary
–– Your doctor humming Working in a Coal Mine.
Lawyer Who Sued Led Zeppelin Suspended From Practicing Law
–– Buying stairway to hell.
Alligator spotted scaling a barbed wire fence at Florida golf course
–– In effort to recover ball.
Apple Sued For $10 Billion By Man Who Claims He Invented iPhone in 1992
–– Also sues ghost of Alexander Graham Bell.
NL East: Phillies prospect loses right eye after freak accident
–– Caught looking.
A Dagestan wrestler is on trial in Russia for allegedly urinating on Buddha statue
–– Before rubbing belly.
Florida governor declares state of emergency over 'guacamole-thick' algae
–– Leaking from his mouth.
Missing From 'Bridgegate' Investigation: Chris Christie's Personal Email Account
–– He ate server.
Blinded coyote that gave birth to pups is euthanized
–– Didn't see that coming.
Giant hammerhead shark visits swimmers in Bahamas
–– Cracked open a few cold ones.
Large Snake Eats Beaver, Swims Across River Where Kids Play
–– Felt sudden need to ‘keep busy.’
Report: Trump listened-in on calls at resort
–– Just the dirty ones.
Woman Crowned ‘Miss Hitler 2016’ at Disturbing Neo-Nazi Pageant
–– Winner: ‘Glad I decided not to shave.’
China may prefer Trump to Clinton, says China Beige Book president
–– First need to see him in light grayish-brown suit.
Trump’s VP finalists include Christie, Gingrich
–– Winner to be decided at hot dog-eating contest.
Barn fire kills 7,000 young turkeys
–– Locals prepare 2 tons of stuffing.
Jessica Williams’ Departure Points to Bigger Problems at ‘The Daily Show’
–– All of them named Trevor Noah.
Stop driving these Hondas right now, says regulator
–– ‘You’re better than that.’
QB’s record deal: 'God isn't worth that'
–– His arm sucks.
Nancy Grace leaving HLN
–– HLN disGraced.
Mike Ditka Declines Invitation to Speak at Donald Trump Convention
–– Coach: ''85 Bears couldn't defend him."
Alvin Toffler, Author of ‘Future Shock,’ Dies at 87
–– Passed shock.
Donald Trump on waterboarding: 'Fight fire with fire'
–– ‘Wet fire, maybe, but you get it.’
Lindsey Vonn wants a family, but can't get a date
–– Love life all downhill from here.
Message in a bottle alleges abuse
–– By guy stranded on island in New Yorker cartoon.
Rio’s week of horror: Body parts wash up near Olympics beach volleyball site
–– One mistaken for human head turns out to be Wilson.
Asteroids could threaten Earth, scientists say
–– Let them, we’re not listening.
Rupert Murdoch Backs Brexit, Says It's "Wonderful"
–– "Finally free of the lager-slurpers 'n' the frites-floggers, mate.'
Swimsuits out of Miss Teen USA pageant
–– Sex tapes in.
James Cameron Slams ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’: It Lacked ‘Visual Imagination’
–– J.J. Abrams: 'Avatar was just Smurfs on steroids.'
German Sausage Commercial Appears to Mock Celebrity Rape Victim
–– It’s the wurst.
Caitlyn Jenner Says Donald Trump "Seems to Be Very Much for Women"
–– “If they’re dumb as me.”
Russian Culture Minister Says U.S. Uses Netflix for "Mind Control"
–– Adam Sandler may cause seizures, but that's stretching it.
Why this Latina campaigns for Donald Trump on the border
–– Trump: ‘Hey, look there’s my Mexican-American!’
Hollywood’s New Thing: $199,000 a Year for “Resting Rich Face”
–– $25,00 for each additional expression.
71% of Americans believe economy is 'rigged'
–– 29% not paying attention.
Why male athletes are pulling out of the Olympics
–– If infected with Zika, will be pulling out of partners.
EU chief to Brexiter Nigel Farage: 'Why are you here?'
–– Referring to planet Earth.
Researchers find game-changing helium reserve in Tanzania
–– Relay news in high, squeaky voices.
Tony Hawk can still do THIS at 48
–– Cash checks from video games.
Chelsea Handler: 2 abortions, 1 year
–– Did both Netflix series premiere in 2016?
Stephen Hawking Reveals What Mystifies Him In New Larry King Interview
–– Why he can't sound like Siri.
Princess Diana's Butler Reveals The Heartbreaking Last Words She Said To Him Before She Died
–– “I said cream, you imbecile!’
Queen Elizabeth's Response To Brexit Is The Most Spendidly British Reaction
–– ‘Shove it, fucktards!’
Woman Dies After She's Shot Through Chest With Crossbow Arrow Fired by Husband: Cops
–– Went medieval on her.
British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn loses no-confidence vote as political turmoil deepens
–– Labour's love lost.
Samantha Bee unloads on Brexit and ‘brain-damaged baboon’ Donald Trump
–– Insulted idiot baboon challenges Trump to debate.
This Genius Created a DIY Pool Filled With Coca Cola and Mentos
–– With insulin filter.
Trump slams Warren as a 'fraud,' 'racist' for claiming Native American heritage
–– While listing things they have in common.
Expect A-listers and Australians at Giuliana Rancic’s new restaurant
–– Diners will love her favorite lunch: air pockets.
N. Korea leader Kim Jong-Un gets new ‘top post’
–– As Hair Apprent.
North Koreans irked at orders to donate to construction project
–– To build 50,000 sq. ft. twig storage facility in case of worsening famine.
Hulk Hogan Wants to Assess Whether Gawker's Nick Denton Is Really Indispensable
–– After dispensing with him.
Julie Chen and Hollywood Power Spouses Speak Out: "Being a Trophy Wife Is an Antiquated Trope"
–– “See, a trophy wife wouldn’t even know what that means!”
Rio de Janeiro's acting governor: Olympics could be a 'big failure'
–– 'Like Brazil wax using Krazy Glue.'
Benghazi panel caps 2-year probe: No bombshell, faults administration
–– Cap reads Make America Great Again and has plastic turd on brim.
Euro 2016: Iceland shocks England in historic upset to reach quarterfinals
–– Adding insult to self-inflcted injury.
Mike Huckabee paying $25,000 for playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
–– $26,000 for Chinese 'Nut of Tiger' verility powder.
Farmer’s wife, 49, is sentenced to 25 years in prison for killing her husband of 30 years with a pitchfork and burying him in manure
–– Her name, appropriately: Charlene Mess.
Breaking into homes, assassinating dogs, and even DEFECATING on carpets: The increasingly criminal and bizarre measures Russian agents are taking to intimidate US diplomats in Europe
–– FSB blames Charlene Mess.
Nike in flap at skimpy Wimbledon kit as sportswear giant recalls tennis dresses
–– Outfit exposes mixed doubles.
Michael Jackson Said He Was Afraid Prince Would Die Early
–– Prince apparently hoped Jax would.
Len Dykstra book spills beans on manager’s drinking, Jefferies’ whining, Mookie’s breath
–– Nicknamed it Dookie.
This Intimate Photo of The Last Northern White Male Rhino Will Inspire You to Act for All Species
–– And buy them briefs.
Newt Gingrich Struggles To Defend Donald Trump
–– Like defending flesh-eating virus on grounds of weight-loss.
Gingrich on VP speculation: 'Nobody's called me'
–– Awaiting Newt Signal in night sky.
When Justices Thomas and Sotomayor dissent together
–– Dissent into madness.
Trump’s failed Baja condo resort left buyers feeling betrayed, angry
–– While he gloated: ‘Baa-ja-ja-ja-ja!’
10 Fun Facts About ‘World's Ugliest Dog’ Winner Sweepee Rambo
–– 8. Sylvester Stallone might be father.
Donald Trump Is Struggling to Find Anyone to Speak at His Convention
–– Who won’t address him as 'shithead.'
Politicon: Sarah Palin, James Carville Engage in a Debate About Guns
–– Draw blank stares.
Best and worst states to raise children
–– Soild, plasma.
Brexit: Petition calling for second EU vote was created by Leave backer
–– How about worst two out of three?
‘Star Trek' Oral History: When Captain Kirk Fought Jesus
–– And Spock kicked Buddha's ass.
Las Vegas Magic Show Duo ‘Siegfried and Roy’ to Get Biopic Treatment
–– Oh, that Siegfried and Roy.
Is Trump hurting himself?
–– With self-abuse?
Pope says Christians should apologize to gay people
–– Starting with parish priest.
50 Cent Arrested for Cursing in the Caribbean
–– Fined … um, 50 cents.
Maine’s first lady waits tables at harbor seafood joint
–– Has lobster clause in contract.
Rising GOP star Love skipping party convention
–– Dedicated to Hate.
Trump: 'A lot of people' asking to be my VP
–– Mostly in state correctional facilities.
Conservative columnist George Will says he's leaving GOP over Trump
–– Where there's a Will, there's away.