HOO-HAH! FOR THE RED WHITE AND BLUE

Tout le monde is merrily gearing up for the celebration of the US of A’s 232nd Birthday on July 4th. As the GNP sinks and the GPA’s shrink the rest of the world is finding it harder to stay mad at the weakened bully––the once greatest superpower that is slipping into late middle-age like a punch-drunk Muhammad Ali. Some foreign citizens do still resent the bellicosity of America (most don’t even get too riled if you say America anymore, like there is no other North or South) and prefer to mark the Grand 198th this 4th, counting down the days left in George W. Bush’s presidency. Here's a rundown of some choice commemorations by and for Lady Liberty's allies –– willing and unwilling –– and foes:
• In Baghdad, US troops will throw a jamboree for the imams of the Sunni and Shi'a sects hoping to unite the fundamentalist factions with a concert by Amy Winehouse and a BBQ featuring suckling pig, baby back ribs, pulled pork and all the Bud you can drink.
• Russia's Vladimir Putin will honor the heroes of the American Revolution by reenacting the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Colonial Army's first defeat, against rebels in Chechnya.
• China will lend the US $4 billion, at an annual interest rate of 17.76%, to purchase red, white, and blue paper products from China.
• North Korea will sponsor the First Annual Pyonyang Hot Dog Eating Contest, in the sporting and toy groups.
• Hugo Chavez will distribute festive variations on the Molotov Cocktail to Venezuelan citizens for an all-night firelight vigil –– the Jefferson Cocktail will consist of a lit, oil-soaked US flag stuffed into an empty Coke bottle. Thousands of them will illuminate the huge DIck Cheney Piñata that will hang in Caracas' Plaza Bolivar.
• India has volunteered tech support operators to answer emergency calls relating to fireworks injuries so that their unemployed US counterparts who had their jobs outsourced need not worry that a cheap M-80 might permanently disfigure their child. The operators in Bangalore, however, will only have one phone number to refer patients too –– a private clinic in Cheyenne, Wyoming. The US caller will likely be without health insurance anyhow, so that the chief benefit will be a barely comprehensible expression of sympathy.
• Tiny Monaco, the nation with the world's oldest population, will mark In Depends Day with a special bingo afternoon at the Grand Casino with all the sparkling apple cider and pureed lo-fat caviar you can gum.
• Zimbabwe's freshly-reelected President Mugabe will offer a tip of the hat to his harsh critic by allowing jailed opponents to choose waterboarding or a Roman candle enema for their punishment.
• An exultant Saudi Arabia will set off skyrocketing oil prices.
• And staunch friend Israel remains mum, but is rumored to be preparing a surprise fireworks display somewhere in the Persian Gulf.

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