As newspapers seek to avoid extinction in a brutal economic environment they must strive to survive by catering to increasingly specialized readerships. A natural audience for an endangered industry is the growing gaggle of Chicken Littles who prophesy the sky's collapse in a mere matter of years, all according to the calculations of the mystical Maya. So here's the first edition of a journal of jeremiads, a record of ruination, a paper for the Post-Apocalypse –– so sit back, relax and enjoy The End Times in the latest Deadlines.
Headliners: PARTING IS SUCH SHIITE SORROW
The withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from its major cities was widely heralded throughout Iraq –– jubilant citizens took to the streets in celebration, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki trumpeted “a great victory” against the interlopers, and President Jalal Talabani replaced his pre-Operation Desert Storm girdle. The government promised “feasts and festivals” and rather ungraciously hinted that U.S. commander Gen. Ray Odierno would not be on the guest lists. More Headliners
What Not: CORPSE CÉLÈBRE
Heaven gained two sparkling new stars when Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson were both booked for a date at the Palace by that great talent agent in the sky. One can only imagine the recently-deceased Vegas impressionist Danny Gans moonwalking to meet Michael at the Pearly Gates while warbling Thriller. And the good-natured joshing between he and dead Fred Travalena as they trade breathy Jackoisms to the nervous cherubs while David Carradine hangs around and quips to Michael, "I'm still in the closet, too." More What Not
Gertrude's Follies: GERTRUDE AL FRESCO
Read the latest chapter in the saga of Gertrude Stein, Alice B. Toklas, Pabs Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Bucket the Poodle, and all the dizzy denizens of the Parisian demimonde inGertrude's Follies #35. In this installment Gert hits the ceiling when Alice tells her to come to Il Papa. Their peculiar and tender relationship spans the centuries and turns sweet Sistine.
The Bush Century: AFTERMATH FINALS
The Dark Ages. The Black Death. The Hundred Years' War. The Great Famine. Disco. There are periods in history that feel like they will never end and now, tragically, the final curtain has fallen on eight years of the Presidency of George W. Bush. We are memorializing the passing of an era that has left its indeliable stamp on a new millenium, a proud nation, a trusting people, and the soft skin of many a detainee with a multi-part series that draws to its close with this concluding Election '08 installment which includes a 2009 Postscript on the Bush Transition. Relive Obama's drama, Hillary's guff, Edwards' coiffe, McCain's pains, Huckabee's whacks, Rudy's rout, Palin's railings, Biden's ill tidings and the absolutely, positively final day of the The Bush Century 2008.
Petty Arcade: SECRETARY OF MISSTATE
George W. Bush knew how it felt to have the name of his most willing ally at the tip of his tongue and not be able to spit it out. So he trained himself to use clever visualization techniques to remember the trickiest names of his friends and foes. Now Madame Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is facing a Scrabble-board's-worth of jumbled consonants and too few vowels as she embarks on her missions around the globe. Her predecessor, Condolleezza (talk about too many consonants) Rice, bequeathed her the Rebush playbook so that she might avoid the awkward stares and embarrassed silences that often greeted the Bushites as they ventured abroad. Wrap your lips around the first Hillarebus in our new Petty Arcade game.
Igor Trips: TROOP MOVEMENTS
March on over to the third installment of the animated strip based on the singular visions of renowned cartoonist and illustrator, Igor Kopelnitsky. In this war-torn episode, we learn the fortune of soldiers gone missing in action. Pack an extra pair of socks in your backpack and cinch up your helmet to protect the old gray matter when you embark on sortie number three of Igor Trips.
Kozmic Pictures: DIRTY TRICK OR TREAT
Just in time for Halloween comes the release –– more of a greasy discharge, really –– of four spine-tingling presidential classics together again for the first time in a Collector's Edition DVD set. Relive the chills provided by these monsters of politics who made our national nightmare a reality –– a creature guilty of widespread mourning in America, a fiend who forced us to read his slavering lips, a lustful beast who went bump in the Oval Office, and a mindless maniac who slashed a government to shreds. So face these undead apparitions arisen from the buried ballot box –– if you dare –– in Kozmic Pictures Proudly Presents.
Feggorama: CHECK YOUR GAG REFLEX
Remove the tongue depressor and have a healthy laugh at Felipe Galindo's Feggorama.
CINEMA New This Week Public Enemies —America's Least Wanted. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs —The Cretinaceous Period.
I Hate Valentine's Day —Heart-ons. Beaches of Agnes —Mal de merde. Tony Manero —Chile willy. More Cinema Reviews
TELEVISION
Hung (HBO)— Like a gnat. NYC Prep (BRV)— H. The Philanthropist (NBC)— Give me a break. Merlin (NBC)— Casts a smell. Wedding Day (TNT)— You'll want to tie the knot…around your neck. More TV Reviews
THEATRE
Next to Normal — Mood swing music. Mary Stuart — Queen of snots. 9 to 5 — Drudge report. Waiting for Godot — Kicks the Beckett. The Norman Conquests — Three dog nights. Joe Turner Has Come and Gone —Black out. Rock of Ages — Gyps some. More Theatre Reviews
MUSIC The E.N.D. / Black Eyed Peas – Of the l.i.n.e. Big Whiskey and the GrooGruz King / The Dave Matthews Band — Sour mash. Chickenfoot / Chickenfoot — Scratch tracks. Ecstatic / Mos Def — Sheer blitz. Lines, Vines and Trying Times / The Jonas Brothers — Sibling abuse. More Music Reviews
LITERATURE Fiction
Gone Tomorrow byLee Child — Jeer today. Seducing an Angel byMary Balogh — Heav'nly petting. Pygmy byChuck Palahniuk — Teeny plopper. Cemetery Dance byDouglas Preston — Corpse de ballet. First Family byDavid Baldacci — Prez release. Non-Fiction
ResiliencebyElizabeth Edwards — John pryin'. Always Looking Up byMichael J. Fox — Because you're flat on your back. My Remarkable Journey byLarry King — Requires suspenders of disbelief. Losing Mum and Pup byChristopher Buckley — Should've kept mum. Unfinished Business: What the Dead Can Teach Us About Life byJames Van Praagh — Souls train. More Literature Reviews
CINEMA
New This Week
