OSCAR: THE GROUCH 2005
The Aviator – Like a 12-hour non-stop to Vegas for the Celebrity Impersonators Convention.
Finding Neverland – A sexually frustrated Johnny Depp suffers Peter Pain.
Million Dollar Baby – Controversial melodrama that has brain-dead commentators terrified that someone might pull the plug on them.
Ray – The bland leading the bland.
Sideways – An amusing little film with a slightly nutty texture and an unsubtle hint of nebbish.
War of the Worlds – A bizarre alien life form terrorizes the people of Earth on television. And then stars in this clinker.
Bewitched – Like spending two hours perched on an awkwardly positioned broomstick.
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead – Redread.
Batman Begins – To get on my nerves.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – The Pitt and the Pendulums.
The Honeymooners – The most pointless makeover since Star Jones' tummy tuck.
Howl's Moving Castle – Like watching Astroboy hitting on Snow White over sushi and schnitzel.
Herbie: Fully Loaded – He must have been pretty high.
Layer Cake – Lemon icing.
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D – Eww! Lava Girl just erupted on the front row!
High Tension – Vendredi le Treizieme: Chapitre XII. Jason should sue.
Cinderella Man – Crowe-magnon.
Lords of Dogtown – Skate bored.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – Jean therapy for tweens.
The Longest Yard – The distance between Sandler's set up of a joke and the punchline. Punt.
Madagascar – Aminals make doody.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – Same old Sith.
Monster-in-Law – Annoy Jane.
Kicking & Screaming – Snoooooore!
Mindhunters – They came back empty-headed.
Unleashed – Bad boy! Look what you did on the screen.
Kingdom of Heaven – Ridley Scott diddly-squat.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – Zero-thumb gain.
XXX: State of the Union – Ice Cube : Action Hero :: Ice-T : Rocket Scientist.
House of Wax – Drip, drip, drip.
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room – When Dubya came to call.
A Lot Like Love – Canal.
The Interpreter – Rough translation: Hitchcock and bull.
Kung Fu Hustle – Martial arse.
The Amityville Horror – So bad it makes one reconsider James Brolin's entire oeuvre.
Palindromes – Poop.
The House of D – As in Duh.
Sahara – S'horror.
Sin City – Beaten to a Pulp Fiction.
Fever Pitch – There's something about Barrymore. But it's not acting ability. Farrelly foul.
Beauty Shop – You go, girl! And don't come back.
Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous – Bullocks!
Robots – Oy, Robot.
Guess Who – Amos and Ashton.
The RIng Two – Crap circles.
Melinda and Melinda – Woody and Willy equal Directile Dysfunction.
Hostage – Could not be more grueling if it had been co-produced by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
The Passion Recut – Like a sadistic Mohel, Mel Gibson takes another whack at His Lord.
The Upside of Anger – Insincere imbeciles! Pretentious jerkoffs! Sanctimonious scumbags! Hey, this does feel good.
Be Cool – Too late, Travolta's career is already rotten.
Constantine – Not the One.
The Pacifier – For suckers.
Because of Winn-Dixie – Why go to Publix?
The Jacket – Breaks wind.
Hitch – Hike.
Are We There Yet? – Yes, here's the off-ramp to the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Inside Deep Throat – Spit.
Hide and Seek – And Destroy.
Alexander – Glam Bull.
Meet the Fockers – Socks.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events – Ace Ventura's A Series of Infelicitous Ad-libs.
The Phantom of the Opera – You'll be rooting for the chandelier.
Spanglish – Por el director Brooks, As Malo As It Gets.
The Polar Express – As scrumdiddlyumptious as a wax candied apple.
Pooh's Heffalump Movie – Don't be modest, Pooh's squeezed out a whole lump here.
Christmas With the Kranks – Tim Allen exercises the Santa Clause in his contract with Satan.
National Treasure – Bury it.
Kinsey – Masters his Johnson.
Alfie – Jude 'sexiest man alive' Law proves he can open his zipper, but not a movie.
I Heart Huckabees – I Stomach Idiocies.
Team America: World Police – The South Park geniuses screw Viacom out of $20 million to film puppets screwing.
Shark Tale – Fish bait, chum.
The Machinist – The new Batman loses 63 lbs. Porn for anorectics.
The Grudge – Horror Japanese remake film unintelligible.
Shrek 2 – Mike Myers’ other Fat Bastard makes number two.
The Stepford Wives – Screenwriter Paul Rudnick can’t decide if he wants to bitch slap the ladies who lunch or dish with them as Libby Gelman-Waxner.
The Manchurian Candidate – Actors so hammy Hannibal Lecter couldn’t stomach them.
Exorcist: The Beginning – You’d rather be your mother doing what she likes to do when she’s in Hell.
Around the World in 80 Days – You’ll feel like you’ve crossed the International Date Line. Twice.
The Passion of the Christ – Jesus whipped.