CINEMA 2010

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Blue Valentine –– Eros in judgment.
Another Year –– Feels like two.
The Way Back –– One trek pony.
Biutiful –– Unsiutable.
The Red Chapel –– Kim Jong-Ill.
The Strange Case of Angelica –– She has auteur immune deficiency.


True Grit –– Grit and bear it.
Little Fockers –– Mugger Fockers.
Gulliver's Travels –– Staler Swift.
Somewhere –– Locale anaesthetic.
Country Strong –– Like the smell of cow flop.
The Illusionist –– Hot Tati.
Hadewijch –– Blue nun.
Nénette –– Orang crush.
Secret Sunshine –– Secrete where it does not shine.


Yogi Bear –– Ursa minor.
Tron Legacy –– Gamey.
How Do You Know –– By smell.
Rabbit Hole –– Mourning sickness.
Casino Jack –– Lobby card.
Alien Girl –– Borscht to death.

.The Fighter –– Jabber wonky.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader –– Narnia business.
The Tempest –– In a pee pot.
The Company Men –– Lay off.
And Everything is Going Fine –– Scalding Gray.
Hemingway's Garden of Eden –– The scum also rises.
Saint Misbehavin': The Wavy Gravy Movie –– Lumpy Gravy.

Black Swan –– Swan flake.
I Love You Phillip Morris –– The penile system.
The Warrior's Way –– Spar for the course.
All Good Things –– Were left out of this.
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale –– Saint nicked.
Bhutto –– Rat Pak.
Barney's Version –– Barney rubble.
Dead Awake –– But not me.
Come Undone –– Amor or less.
Night Catches Us –– Black panters.
The Assistants –– Filmdumb.

Tangled –– Locks and load.
Burlesque –– Cher wear.
Love and Other Drugs –– All of them depressants.
Faster –– A fleet enema.
The King's Speech –– Stutter steps.
Nutcracker in 3D –– Sugarplum loco.
The Legend of Pale Male –– Pall maul.
Break Ke Baad –– Really baad.
Undertow –– Tide died.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 –– At wiz end.
The Next Three Days –– You'll regret that you bought a ticket.
Made in Dagenham –– Logy strike.
White Material –– Agony and ivory.
Heartless –– And brainless.
Nothing Personal –– Or special.
Today's Special –– A poori excuse.
Queen of the Lot –– A study in starlet.
Total Badass –– Austin sours.
Victim –– Sado sack.

Skyline –– ET-bitty.
Unstoppable –– Or Who'll Stop the Train.
Morning Glory –– Morning becomes a lecture.
Tiny Furniture –– A dollish pain.
You Won't Miss Me –– Sad, but true.
Helena From the Wedding –– Marry, marry, quite contrary.
Looking at Animals –– In the mirror.
Con Artist –– Kostabi damned.
Cool It –– Global worming.

Megamind –– Nevamind.
Due Date –– Past due.
For Colored Girls –– Who have considered suicide when leaving the theatre is enuf.
127 Hours –– Disarming.
Fair Game –– Plame-ass.
Four Lions –– Terror plotz.
Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer –– Erectioneering.
Red Hill –– Antsy.
Guy and Madeline on a Park Bench –– With a pint of Thunderbird.
Making the Boys –– Mate men.
William S. Borroughs: A Man Within –– Knackered lunch.
Outside the Law –– Loi-de-da.

Saw 3D –– Buzz off.
Welcome to the Rileys –– Blah blah o' Riley.
Wild Target –– Aimless.
Monsters –– Oink.
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest –– Raised a sting.
Shake Hands with the Devil –– Bring Purell.
Eichmann –– Fried Reich.
Inspector Bellamy –– Depardieu diligence.
Jolene –– Orphan running.
Amer –– Giallo shots.
Nora’s Will –– Or Swill.
Waste Land –– Brazilian wacks.
Last Play at Shea –– The New York Mess.

Paranormal Activity 2 — Haunt dog.
Inhale — Sucks wind.
Rising Stars — Along with my gorge.
Punching the Clown — Thwack job.
Boxing Gym — Spar for the course.
Kalamity — Katastrophe.
Knucklehead — KOtic.
11/4/08 — Fauxbama.
Ticked-off Trannies With Knives — A tranny wreck

Red — Dwarf.
Hereafter — The dead poo.
Jackass 3-D — -Bags.
Conviction — Free dumb.
I Want Your Money — O balmy.
Carlos — You don't know Jackal.
N-Secure — N-sipid.
Gerrymandering — Caught mapping.
Vision: From the Life of Hildegard von Bligen — Nun-factor.
Samson and Delilah — Aboriginal sin.
Pure Country 2: The Gift — Of gag.

Secretariat — Colt and flew.
Life as We Know It — In a petri dish.
My Soul to Take — Cheese splatter.
Nowhere Boy — Jack Lennon.
It's Kind of a Funny Story — But not really.
Stone — Soup.
Tamara Drewe — A short straw.
I Spit On Your Grave — Great expectorations.
Inside Job — Loot behavior.
As Good As Dead — A fair description.
Down TerraceTerrace bull, bah.

The Social Network — ROFL ticket.
Let Me In — No, out!
Case 39Case hard-on.
Hatchet II — Moldy Hatchet.
Freakonomics — Subspecie.
Ip Man — Ip? Switch.
Leaving — Partir pooper.
Barry Munday — Blew Munday.
Douchebag — Know thyself.
Atlantis Down — Can you blame it?
Brutal Beauty: Tales of the Rose City Rollers — Skate stiff.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps — Nor does rust.
You Again — Totaled recall.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole — Hoolarious.
Buried — Trasher.
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger — Seer sucker.
Howl — Illin' Ginsberg.
Waiting for Superman — Craptonite.
Enter the Void — Where prohibited.
Like Dandelion Dust — Sneezebags.
I'm Here — We're pretending you're not.

Easy A — Hole.
The Town — Shitty city bang bang.
Devil — May not care.
Alpha and OmegaAlpha bites.
Never Let Me Go — See this.
Jack Goes Boating — Row vs. wade.
Catfish — Throw it back.
The Freebie — Gratuitous.
Picture Me: A Model's Diary — Snap draggin'.
The Happy Poet — Can't get much verse.

I'm Still Here — Joaquin' off.
Resident Evil: Afterlife — More like afterbirth.
The Romantics — Rom punch.
Bran Nue Dae — Sam Ole Chit.
The Virginity Hit — Virgin on the ridiculous.
Legendary — Mutt wrestling.
Heartbreaker — French kitsch.
Hideaway — In a cool, dark place.
Race to Nowhere — Wins that contest.
Lovely, Still — Old spites.
Genius Within: The Inner Life of Glenn Gould — Gould till the last drop.
Who is Harry Nilsson (And Why is Everybody Talkin' About Him)? — Nilsson ratings.

Machete — Mex pain.
The American — Idle.
Going the Distance — From bad to worse.
Mesrine: L'ennemi Public No 1 — French dip.
Last Train Home — Fu Man Choo Choo.
The Winning Season — The trouble with dribbles.
White Wedding — Mixed reception.
My Dog Tulip — Ruff trade.
The Big Uneasy — Shearer idiocy.
Our Beloved Month of August — Hazy, hot and stupid.
A Woman, a Gun and a Noodle Shop — Chow funk.

The Last Exorcism — Devil washup.
Takers — Leavers.
Centurion — RomeCom.
Mesrine: L'Instinct de Mort — Killer 'n' stinked.
Flipped — Nostalgia drip.
Louis — Satchmoronic.
The Milk of Sorrow — Sour.
Change of Plans — I'll watch paint dry instead.
The Switch — Sperm wail.
Piranha 3-D — Piscine contest.
Nanny McPhee Returns — Ugly biddy.
Lottery Ticket — Numb bore runners.
The Tillman Story — Pat.
Mao's Last Dancer — Red rhythm valley.
The Scenesters — Hip hip hoo-hah.
Calvin Marshall — Minor leaker.
Vampires Suck — Toothless.

The Expendables — Ol' gore.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World — Dork fight.
Eat, Pray, Love — Sneer.
Animal Kingdom — Cops and rotters.
Tales from Earthsea — Looney toons.
The People I've Slept With — In the theater showing this.
They Came to Play — Pianist envy.
The Butcher's Son — Scraps.
Trust Us, This Is All Made Up — Trust me, I don't care.

The Other Guys — N.Y.P.U.
Step Up 3-D — Twerpsichorean.
Middle Men — Porn brokers.
The Disappearance of Alice Creed — Appall-o Creed.
Flipped — Flopped.
Twelve — Out of 100.
The Oxford Murders — The shoes are killing them.
Cairo Time — 'E gypped.
Patrik Age 1.5 — Patrik hates two daddies.
The Sicilian Girl — Hi, Mob!
The Wildest Dream — Ascent of desperation.

Dinner for Schmucks — Jerky.
Charlie St. Cloud — His brother's cryptkeeper.
Get Low — This already is.
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore — Insanity claws.
The Extra Man — Superfluous.
The Concert — Encore what?
Helen — Haze.
I Killed My Mother — Mommy deadest.
Who Killed Nancy? — Vicious rumors.
The Dry Land — Beyond the shadow of a drought.
Once Upon a Time in Mumbai — India stink.
Smash His Camera — Hope they mean the director's.
What's the Matter With Kansas? — Could be a miniseries.

Salt — And battery.
Ramona and Beezus — Skid sister.
Life During Wartime — It ain't no party.
Farewell — Adieu doo.
Countdown to Zero — All-nuke revue.
Mugabe and the White African — Hits despot.
Jean-Michel Basquiat — A Basquiat case.
Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel — Hef cocked.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice — Cheese wiz.
Inception — Dream weeper.
Standing Ovation — A hand job.
Valhalla Rising — You might feel Norse-ish.
Alamar — Sea, sea, señor.
Operation: EndgameAy! spy.
Kisses — My ass.
Spoken Word — Vocal yokel.

Despicable Me — Disposable you.
Predators — Let us prey.
The Kids Are All Right — Mommy queerest.
The Girl Who Played With Fire — Burning bush.
Winnebago Man — RV wallbanger.
Grease Sing-a-Long — You're the one that I won't.
[REC]2 — A nervous [REC].


The Twilight Saga: Eclipse — Moon drivel.
The Last Airbender — He can really flex his sphincter.
Love Ranch — Dud Ranch.
Great Directors — Didn't direct this.
Only When I Dance — Pas de douche.
Beautiful Islands — Isle be damned.
The Agony and the Ecstasy of Phil Spector — Spectorscope.

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E. Basil St. Blaise

OSCAR de la OY-UHH 2010

Best Picture Nominees:

Avatar –– Army vs. Na'vi.
The Blind Side –– The Joy of Sacks.
District 9 –– Interned for the worst.
An Education –– Crème de la cram.
The Hurt Locker –– Bomb squat.
Inglourious Basterds –– Nutzi hunters.
Precious –– Little.
A Serious Man –– A mazel tov cocktail.
Up –– Yours.
Up in the Air –– Flight dreck.


Knight and Day — You are the wan.
Grown Ups — Thrown ups.
Restrepo — Gaffehanistan.
Dogtooth — Gnashville.
Air Doll — Deflating.
Kings of the Evening — Ghetto bluster.
Out in the Silence — A twink and a nod.
South of the Border — Bolívar of broken dreams.
Wild Grass — Now you know what the director was smoking.


Toy Story 3 — Play-doo.
Jonah HexHex marks the splotch.
Cyrus — Mealy Cyrus.
The Killer Inside Me — Curled up in the fatal position.
Lovers of Hate — Will love this.
Let It Rain — Soppy.
Stonewall Uprising — Preaching to the queer.
The Nature of Existence — Don't take it at faith value.
Wah Do Dem — Jamaica pain.
I Am Love — Amore ill.
8: The Mormon Proposition — Annul a gay.


Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work — Yenta laughing.
The A-Team — A-holes.
The Karate Kid — Blech belt.
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky — The Riot of Spring.
The Lottery — A whole lotto nothing.
Reel Injun — Indian tripe.
Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage — Rush limbo.
Winter's Bone — Osteopathetic.


Get Him to the Greek — Brand Ecchs.
Splice — Girls.
Killers — Slayed low.
Marmaduke — Cur-plop.
Ondine — Nymph skulls.
Double Take — Hitch hype.
Finding Bliss — Owed to joy.
Cropsey — Crapsey.
Convention — Dems the breaks.
Living in Emergency: Stories of Doctors Without Borders — Trek or treat.
Whiz Kids — Smarty paeans.


Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time — Dune buggy.
Sex & the City 2 — Carrie on and on.
Agora — A bare market.
Micmacs — Muckmix.
Survival of the Dead — They overcame burybury.
Picasso and Braque Go to the Movies — The Cubist little things.
Mademoiselle Chambon — Or is it Hambone?


Shrek Forever After — Shrek and ruin.
MacGruber — Lower Forte.
180 Degrees South — Semicircle jerk.
After the Cup — For the athletic supporter.
Solitary Man — Lone shark.
Two in the Wave — Nouvelle extremely vague.
Racing Dreams — NASCAR tissue.
Holy Rollers — Drug mohel.
Perrier's Bounty — Irish sprung.
John Rabe — Neato Nazi.


Robin Hood — Bow diddly.
Letters to Juliet — Where fart thou, Romeo?
Just Wright — Utterly rong.
Princess Kaiulani — Hawaii? Not so good.
Looking for Eric — Eric crapped on.
The Living Wake — The audience doesn't.
Here and There — And nowhere.
Barking Water — Sooner or lamer.
Daddy Longlegs — Below Pa.
Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo — Bugzilla.


Ironman 2 — Rusty nil.
Babies — Doo-doo, dada.
Casino Jack and the United States of Money — Abramoff the record.
Happiness Runs — Down your leg.
The Oath — Swear off it.
Welcome — Kurds and wade.
Trash Humpers — Boy, you're gonna carry that waste.
Floored — Bored.
Mother and Child — Mummy's curse.
Multiple Sarcasms — Scoff flaws.
OSS 117: Lost in Rio — Dumbbell agent.


Furry Vengence — Borscht Pelt.
A Nightmare on Elm Street — Freddy offender.
Harry Brown — With a whacking Caine.
Anton Chekhov's The Duel — Pistol wimped.
The Good Heart — Beat.
Please Give — Me a break.
Phish 3D — Doobie, doobie, doobie.
TiMER — Set to endless.
Touching Home — After the tag.
The Human Centipede — Crappy-crawly.


The Back-up Plan — Plan Z.
The Losers — Or The Audience.
Oceans — Sea whirled.
Accidents Happen — On your rug.
Best Worst MovieBest, bye.
Boogie Woogie — Boogie nits.
Kenny Chesney: Summer in 3D — Kenny? Geez.
My Boyfriend's Girlfriend — Ardor nonsense.
The Good, the Bad, the Weird — Kinks of Leone.
Behind the Burly Q — Bum and grind.
Paper Man — Novel-gazing.
A Shine of Rainbows — Prism break.


Kick-Ass — Kiss-ass.
Death at a Funeral — Bury, bury bad.
The Joneses — Don't keep up with them.
The City of Your Final Destination — Ivory sop.
In My Sleep — I directed this.
Exit Through the Gift Shop — Banksy driver.
No One Knows About Persian Cats — Except Persian pussies.
NoBody's Perfect — Further proof.
The Perfect Game — Pitching and moaning.


Date Night — Date on arrival.
After.Life — Decease and desist.
Letters to God — Grail mail.
Black Waters of Echo's Pond — Waste Waters.
Everyone Else — Will hate this.
Fresh — Rotten.
The Misfortunates — A dog of Flanders.
When You're Strange: A Film About the Doors — Open and shit.
Who Do You Love — Chess-thumping.
The Square — Rut.
La Mission — Bratt worst.


Clash of the Titans — Perseus wears spots, the Kraken, stripes.
The Last Song — Refrain yourself.
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too — Too who?
Don McKay — McKay mouse.
The Greatest — Compared to what?
Leaves of Grass — Slim Whitman.
City of Life and Death — Nanking doubts.
Warlords — Taiping errors.
The Sun Behind the Clouds — Dalai lamer.
Breaking Upwards — Stock split.


Hot Tub Time Machine — Ladies and germs.
How to Train Your Dragon — Broken lizard.
Bluebeard — Choke mate.
Chloe — Schmoe.
Ca$h — For clunkers.
The Eclipse — The ghost whimperer.
Godspeed — Crappy trails.
Dream Boy — Gay's anatomy.
Calvin Marshall — Whiff of desperation.
Lbs. — Gut check.


The Bounty Hunter — Dog: The Bounty Hunter.
Repo Men — Whatever repossessed them?
Diary of a Wimpy Kid — Spaz cadet.
Greenberg — Schlemiel plan.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo — Tat for tit.
The Runaways — Jett blew.
Vincere — Il Ducebag.
The Red Baron — Meet the fokkers.
Mid-August Lunch — Meal borne.
The Killing Jar — Jar? Jar stinks.
The Lightkeepers — A shipwreck.
IMAX Hubble 3D — Cinema scope.
Neil Young Trunk Show — Way, way after the gold rush.
City Island — Bronx jeer.


Green Zone — Natural Bourne killers.
Remember Me — Starring What's-his-face.
Our Family Wedding — Panic groom.
She's Out of My League — Pee-wee vermin.
The Cry of the Owl — Hoo-boy!
The Exploding Girl — Boom box.
Stolen — From other bad movies.
Mother — Mamarama dingdong.
Tales from the Script — Screen text.


Alice in Wonderland — Alice in chintz.
Brooklyn's Finest — Poor Brooklyn.
Harlem Aria — Ham solo.
Harlan: In the Shadow of Jew Süss — Nazi Fagin.
Iron Cross — I'm pissed, too.
White Stripes: Under Great White Northern Lights — Caution: White load.


Cop Out — Dick jokes.
The Crazies — The teabaggers have their own movie?
The Art of the Steal — Barnes burner.
Defendor — Offendor.
The Yellow Handkerchief — Full of snots.
Formosa Betrayed — Taiwan on.
Toe to Toe — Lacrosse off your list.
A Prophet — And loss.
Prodigal Sons — Simp'ring rivalry.
Easier With Practice — Phony sex.


Shutter Island — Shutter theater.
The Ghost Writer — Bio degradable.
Celine: Through the Eyes of the World — And through its colon.
Blood Done Sign My Name — With an X.
The Good Guy — Finishes last.
Happy Tears — Blue bawls.
The Last New Yorker — Got ham?
Lourdes — A minor miracle.


The Wolfman — An ass howl.
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief — Up a Greek.
Valentine's Day — Germs of endearment.
American Radical: The Trials of Norman Finkelstein — Firebland.
My Name is Khan— I'm con, too.
October Country — Family poor traits.
Videocracy — Skeevy-o Berlusconi.
Barefoot to Timbuktu — Mali hatchet.


From Paris With Love — And scabies.
Dear John — The wimping post.
District 13: Ultimatum — Parkour posey.
Ajami — Acidic Jews.
Terribly Happy — Happily terrible.
Frozen — Chill lout.
Red Riding — Hoods.
Eyes Wide Open — In disbelief.


Edge of Darkness — It's just your eyelids closing.
When in Rome — Do as the romcoms do.
Saint John of Las Vegas — The Craptist.
North Face — Mountain. Pass.
Still Bill — Right, shut him up.
Off and Running — On empty.
For My Father — He must hate the old man.
Bass Ackwards — Yuck fou.


Extraordinary Measures — May be required to revive you.
The Tooth Fairy — Yank it.
Legion — Angel feud keck.
A Room and a Half — W/No Vu.
Creation — Unnatural selection.
The Girl on the Train — A commute point.
Pop Star on Ice — Whore frost.
The Paranoids — They have reason to be.
Soundtrack for a Revolution — Unchained melodies.
To Save a Life — Save a sawbuck.


The Book of Eli — Eli-Eli-Ohhh.
The Spy Next Door — Jerky Chan.
44 Inch Chest — Tremendous boobs.
Fish Tank — Surface scum.
Waiting for Armageddon — Rapture head around this.
In Search of Memory — Fuhgeddaboudit.


Daybreakers — Dawn of the dud.
Leap Year — Off a bridge.
Youth in Revolt — Rebel yelp.
Wonderful World — The globe and male.
Bitch SlapSlap shot.
Crazy On the Outside — Tedious on the inside.
Sweetgrass — You'll need a doobie.
Garbage Dreams — Of this movie.
Mine — Shaft.