CINEMA 2009

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Sherlock Holmes — Holmes wrecker.
It's Complicated — If you're simple.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel — More a suckquel.
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus — Bomb of Gilliam.
The White Ribbon — Haneke panicker.
The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond — How precious!
The Chaser — Like a flat beer.


Avatar — Army vs. Na'vi.
Nine — Out of auteur.
Did You Hear About the Morgans? — No, and you won't.
Crazy Heart — Strum und drang.
Ricky — Crib-tickler.
NoBody's Perfect — Short arm inspection.
A Town Called Panic — Toon buggy.
Young Victoria — We are not amused.
Police, Adjective — Crap, noun.


Invictus — Nelson man duller.
The Lovely Bones — Spineless.
A Single Man — Who's on Firth.
Tenderness — In the groin area.
The Slammin' Salmon — Change the lox.
My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done? — Werner herds hog.
Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year — Sikh and destroy.
Sincerely Yours — Sign off.


Everybody's Fine — Once they exit the theatre.
Up In the Air — Flight dreck.
Brothers — Sib code.
Armored — Robber barren.
The Last Station — Tolstoy Story.
Transylmania — Veinier.
Across the Hall — In the loo.
Before Tomorrow — Inuituition.
Breaking Point — I reached it at the fifteen minute mark.
Big River Man — Swim meat.
Gigante — Minúscula.
Serious Moonlight — Clair de loon.
The Strip — Maul.


Old Dogs — Barker loungers.
The Road — Not takin'.
Ninja Assassin — Happily sever after.
Me and Orson Welles — Welles: forgo.
The Princess and the Frog — Unhip hop.
Home — Run!
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee — Chilly Pippa.
Staten Island, New York — Ferry 'cross from Jersey.


The Blind Side — The Joy of Sacks.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon — Rapidly wanes.
Planet 51 — Out of 50.
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans — Rabid Cage.
Broken EmbracesHuggh!
Defamation — Slander means.
Mammoth — Wooly.
Red Cliff — John whew!
The Sun — Of a bitch.
The Missing Person — Who had the script.
My Dear Enemy — Would spare me from this.


2012 — Mayan shaft.
Fantastic Mr. Fox — A Dahl headache.
Pirate Radio — Ham fisted.
Dare — There's no dare there.
The Messenger — Casualty assurance.
Women in Trouble — Blank chicks.
Uncertainty — No, it definitely bites.
Oh My God — Divine and cheese.
William Kunstler: Disturbing the Universe — Radical sheik.
Love Hurts — And so does my cranium.
The Good Soldier — Serving sighs.
The End of Poverty? — Preprosperous!


The Men Who Stare at Goats — Nanny 911.
Disney's A Christmas Carol — Scrooge the pooch.
The Box — Square.
The Fourth Kind — Silly Fourth.
Precious — Little.
Collapse — Slump dog.
Endgame — Dull finish.
La Danse: The Paris Opera — Plié bargain.
Splinterheads — With plank stares.
That Evening Sun — Dusk mites.


Michael Jackson's This Is It — Beat It…with a stick.
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day — Sin shitty.
The House of the Devil — Split-evil.
The Fall — Can't get up.
Gentlemen Broncos — Dork and pony show.
Turning Green — And not from envy.
Storm — Drain.
Skin — Rash.
Jump — In a lake.
How to Seduce Difficult Women — Flash player.
Labor Day — Hard labor.


Astro Boy — Hate manga.
Amelia — Err hard.
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant — Fangboy.
Saw VI — Cut and died.
(untitled) — (unseen).
Act of God — Your insurance doesn't cover watching this.
AntichristAnti tanks.
The Canyon — Not Grand.
Motherhood — Breeder's digest.
Ong Bak 2 — I'm gonna ong way bak.
Stan Helsing — Drac and drop.
Rembrandt's J'accuse — Van Rijn's express.


Where the Wild Things Are — Maurice, send Ack!
Law Abiding Citizen — Brute farce.
The Stepfather — Pop's off.
The Maid — Domestic disturbance.
The Ministers — Gang blusters.
New York, I Love You — But not in a cinematic way.
The Little Traitor — Creative finking.
Black Dynamite — Crank Shaft.
Food Beware: The French Organic Revolution — Fruits at last!
Creating Karma — Of the bad variety.
Adela —The hon.
One Fast Move or I'm Gone: Kerouac's Big Sur —The dharma's bum.


Couples Retreat — Borer borer.
The Damned United — Brit kickers.
Bronson — Balonious assault.
Ball Don't Lie — Technically foul.
Adventures of Power — Business weak.
Disengagement — The butt end of the affair.
An Education — Crème de la cram.
Trucker — A looong haul.
St. Trinian's — Miss behavior.
Free Style — Track and ruin.
Stark Raving Black — Chary Lewis.
Good Hair — Fro rugs.
Peter and Vandy — Romcalm.
Yes Men Fix the World — Yuppies.


Zombieland — Undead-developed.
The Invention of Lying — Fibulous.
Whip It — Roller twerpy.
A Serious Man — A mazel tov cocktail.
Toy Story 3D — Cold play.
Toy Story 2 3D — Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.
A Beautiful Life — An ugly film.
Afterschool — Tutor loo.
After the Storm — Flood lite.
As Seen Through These Eyes — Mayaopic Angelou.
An American Journey — Robert Frank and earnest.
More Than a Game — LeBron's casting.
Chelsea on the Rocks — With a twist of slime.


Surrogates — Proxymorons.
Pandorum — Fanboy slim.
Fame — Nerdy dancing.
The Boys Are Back — Male pattern ball-less.
Capitalism: A Love Story — Marxist research.
Blind Date — Dumb found.
The Blue Tooth Virgin — Heads-free.
Brief Interviews With Hideous Men — Where's the Limbaugh clip?
Coco Before Chanel — And before 'nuts'.
Paradise — Lost.
In Search of Beethoven — It's sonata for me.
Paranormal Activity — The phantom minus.
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell — Where they're showing this film.


Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs — Meatierology.
Informant! — The inside dope.
Jennifer's Body — Gross anatomy.
Love Happens — As does shit.
The Burning Plain — Crash.
Bright Star — Ode, the pain!
35 Shots of Rum — Should get you through this.
Disgrace — You said it.
Devil Girl — Diablo cootie.
Paris — City of lite.
If One Thing Matters — It ain't this.
Fuel — Gas pains.
Falling Awake— Rise and slime.
Jordan Saffron: Taste This! — Bite me!
The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers — The Namburglar.
Marina of the Zabbaleen — Sub-Marina.


9 — Out of 100.
Sorority Row — Cherry Pi.
Whiteout — Must've covered the screenplay.
Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself — And here's proof.
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt — I'm convinced it blows.
The Other Man — Cuckold doodle doo.
Blind Pig Who Wants to Fly — Should see this.
Broken Hill — And wind.
Crude — Foul 'er up.
Ink — Blot.
Give Me Your Hand — And I'll pull your finger.
Walt and El Grupo — A Disney spell.
Rashevski's Tango — Dance schleps.
Gogol Bordello Non-Stop — Punk crock.


Extract — Remove with tweezers.
All About Steve — Sandra bollix.
Gamer — Gamey.
No Impact Man — Agreed, man.
Liverpool — 'Orrid.
Amreeka — Am reeker.
Carriers —It taint me, babe.
Unmade Beds — Sad sacks.
Tickling Leo — Full sour pickle.
Orgies and the Meaning of Life — Aww, geez.
Play the Game — Randy Griffith.
Still Walking — Limp.


Taking Woodstock — And making it dull.
Halloween II — Boogey loogey.
The Final Destination — Eff stop.
The September Issue — Vogue elephant.
At the Edge of the World — And over it.
The Horse Boy — Colt case.
Big Fan — Rah, rah, sick goombah.
Mystery Team — Krazy clue.
This Beautiful City — Ham burg.
We Live in Public — Flash in the plan.


Inglourious Basterds — Nutzi hunters.
Shorts — Shrift.
World's Greatest Dad — And dud.
X Games 3D: The Movie — Smashing.
American Casino — Crap shoot.
The Baader-Meinhof Complex — Baader boom.
Art & Copy — Plug-ugly.
Passing Strange — So long as it's passing.
My One and Only — Singularly unpleasant.
Five Minutes of Heaven — 90 minutes of hell.
The Headless Woman — The brainless director.
Fifty Dead Men Walking — Irish sprung.
Post Grad — BS.
Confessionsofa Ex-Doofus-ItchyFooted Mutha — Oh, brotha!


The Goods — The bads and the uglies.
District 9 — Interned for the worst.
The Time Traveler's Wife — Hour lady of perpetual torment.
Bandslam — Glandslam.
Ponyo — Anime wang.
Cloud Nine — Cumulonumbus.
Earth Days — Terra infirmer.
Spread — Cheese whiz.
It Might Get Loud — Git bent.
Grace — Slick.
Taxidermia — Stuff it.
My Fuhrer — Sick heil.


Julie & Julia — Child abuse.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — Toy soldiers.
A Perfect Getaway — Escape hybrid.
Cold Souls — Spirit kvetcher.
Paper Heart — Nerdy dancing.
I Sell the Dead — Insurance.
Bliss — If you love misery.
Beeswax — And wane.


Funny People — Hardly har har.
The Collector — Of lint.
Aliens in the Attic — Loft in space.
Adam — Shame.
Flame & Citron — Grate Danes.
Ghosted — No one would take credit.
Fragments — Blows chunks.
Thirst — Sip code.
You, the Living — We, the leaving.
Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! — Crass mates.


G-Force — Giddy pigs.
Orphan — The urchin of menace.
The Ugly TruthTruth decay.
The Answer Man — Highly questionable.
In the Loop — Circle jerks.
Import/Export — Ship Annoy!
Shrink — In embarrassment.
Paraiso Travel — Booby Paraiso.
Surviving Crooked Lake — Current events.
The English Surgeon — Doc doc joke.
Loren Cass — Who Cass?


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince — And the half-ass script.
The Cove — Bayside the point.
Somers Town — London fog.
(500) Days of Summer — Sweat large.
The Way We Get ByEkes!
Off Jackson Avenue — Off the director.
Death in Love — With taxes.
A Woman in Berlin — Frau line.
Homecoming — The welcome mutt.


Brüno — Homo erratic.
I Love You, Beth Cooper — Hatin' Panetierre.
Humpday — Buggers off.
As Seen Through These Eyes — Pointless of view.
Blood: The Last Vampire — O, negative!
Weather Girl — Hail Mary.
Lake Tahoe — Bottomless.
Soul Power — Funky punch.
Vanished Empire — Gone area.
Yoo-Hoo, Mrs. Goldberg — Blah Chaim!


Public Enemies — America's Least Wanted.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs — The Cretinaceous Period.
I Hate Valentine's Day — Heart-ons.
Beaches of Agnes — Mal de merde.
Tony Manero — Chile willy.
Kambakkht ishq — It ishq not.
Lion's Den — Lacks pride.

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E. Basil St. Blaise

SHRIMP OSCAR 2009

Best Picture Nominees:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button ––
Ass backwards.
Frost/Nixon –– Shitchat.
Milk –– Toast.
The Reader –– From left to Reich.
Slum Dog Millionaire–– Makin' rupee.

Best Actor
Nominees:

Mickey Rourke
Sean Penn
Frank Langella
Richard Jenkins
Brad Pitt


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen — Bot lickers.
The Hurt Locker — Bomb squat.
My Sister's Keeper — Not a keeper.
Surveillance — Nothing much to see.
Cheri — Vanilla.
Afghan Star — Kabul TV.
The Exploding Girl — She blows.
The Girl from Monaco — Femme and fortune.
Life is Hot in Cracktown — Coke zero.
Quiet Chaos — Leave it to griever.


Year One — Audience zero.
The Proposal — Engagement wrung.
Whatever Works — Leery David.
The Windmill Movie — Spins its wheels.
Under Our Skin — A pore excuse.
Irene in Time — I ran in time.
The End of the Line — Period cramps.
Dead Snow — Slush pile.


The Taking of Pelham 123 — Local yokels.
Imagine That — Eddie Murphy still gets starring roles!
Food Inc. — Alimentary education.
Blast! — Projectile vomit.
Flicker — Not my friend.
Dim Sum Funeral — Buried in a tiny Chinese take-out box.
Tetro — Retro.
Moon — The screen.
Street Dreams — While sleeping in the gutter.


Land of the Lost — Primordial oohs.
The Hangover — The bachelor retch.
My Life in Ruins — Tour down.
The Art of Being Straight — The thin gay line.
Autumn Ball — That's the left one.
Away We Go — But not far enough.
Downloading Nancy — Megabitch.
Séraphine — Unpaletteable.
Unmistaken Child — Lama drama ding dong.
Youssou Ndour: I Bring What I Love — Hard to Ndour.


Up — Yours.
Drag Me to HellD'oh Raimi.
Daytime Drinking — Soy sauced.
Departures — Leave and let die.
Pressure Cooker — Crock plot.
Pontypool — Canuckleheads.
Maiden Heist — Brainless steal.
What Goes Up — Ass sent.
Munyurangabo — Rwanda psychs.
Offshore — Outsores.


Terminator Salvation — Savior money.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian — Admission impossible.
Dance Flick — Hit me with your rhythm shtick.
Easy Virtue — Not to sit through.
Burma VJ — Myanmartyrdom.
The Girlfriend Experience — Heave ho.
Kabei: Our Mother — Tea-jerker.
Milton Glaser: To Inform & Delight — Glaser beams.


Angels & Demons — The papal chase.
Management — Motel Sex.
Brothers Bloom — And wither.
Revue — Quit Stalin.
Big Man Japan — Clodzilla.
The Big-Shot Caller — Sorry, wrong number.
Not Forgotten — Wanna bet?
Jerichow — Pronounced Jerko.
O'Horten — Hears an ewww!


Star Trek — W.U.S.S. enterprise.
Next Day Air — It's stale.
Adoration — Odor ration.
Audience of One — If they're lucky.
Baby on Board — Tot rods.
Julia — Drinky poo.
Rudo y Cursi — Twee amigos.
Window — Shut it.
Summer Hours — L'été gaga.
Powder Blue — L.A. oops.
Little Ashes — Hollow Dali.
Lorna's Silence — Dumb's the word.
Outrage — Homo electus.
Love 'N' Dancing — N' things.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine — Claws and effect.
Battle for Terra — Terra bull.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past — Dates of yore.
Eldorado — Steer clear.
Ice People — Chilly powder.
Home — From pad to worse.
Limits of Control — My bladder gave out.
The Merry Gentleman — God arrest you.
Naked Ambition: An R-Rated Look at an X-Rated Industry — Smut and chaff.
I Can See You — Giggling in the back row.
Revanche — Of the nerds.
Plague Town — Pits burg.
The Skeptic — That's me!


The Soloist — So low.
Earth — Orb bits.
Obsessed — Nad philanders.
Fighting — Back a yawn.
The Garden — Patch work.
The Informer — Leaker license.
Il Divo — Assholey Roman Emperor.
Mutant Chronicles — Freakdom of expression.
Nursery University — GooGooU.
Tyson — Boom Mike.
Throw Down Your Heart — And stomp on it.
Treeless Mountain — A neater hill.


State of Play — Press to Play.
Crank: High Voltage — Guilty as charged.
17 Again — Rerunt.
Oblivion — Nowhere, man.
Every Little Step — Chorus Light.
American Violet — The weakest clink.
Desert Dream — Dry heaves.
Is Anybody There? — Just the projectionist.
The Golden Boys — Seamen stains.
Lemon Tree — Very petty.
Sleep Dealer — Hot winks.


Hannah Montana: The Movie — Tweener roast.
Observe and Report –– OK. It's a car wreck.
Dragonball: Evolution –– Lizardnuts.
Anvil! The Story of Anvil –– Hammered.
In a Dream — Nap sack.
Lymelife –– Slymelike.
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh –– Pitt bull.
The Pope's Toilet –– Il Poopa.
The Sky Turns –– Along with the stomach.
An Unlikely Weapon –– Head shot.


Adventureland — Skeeve ball.
Fast & Furious –– Skid flick.
Paris 36 –– Cinema very fey.
Bart Got a Room –– Prom dunce.
Alien Trespass — Shit Came From Outer Space.
Enlighten Up! –– Yogi bore.
The Escapist –– Getaway and stay away.
Gigantic –– Miniscule.
Forbidden Lie$ –– Chewing the fatwah.
The Song of Sparrows –– Corn chirrup.
Sugar –– Beat.
Tulpan –– Nomad's land.


Monsters vs. Aliens — Monsters, Ick.
The Haunting in Connecticut –– Rickety-boo.
12 Rounds –– A technical nod out.
American Swing –– Orgy whiz!
Country Teacher — Latvia was a student.
Goodbye Solo –– Hello dully.
The Education of Charley Banks –– Learner and low.
Guest of Cindy Sherman –– Beau woe woe.
Shall We Kiss? –– Let me adjust my dental dam.
Spinning Into Butter –– Churn, baby, churn.


I Love You, Man — Mal bonding.
Duplicity –– Asspionage.
Knowing –– No win.
The Great Buck Howard –– Beefing John Malkovich.
Máncora — Just Lima alone!
Sin Nombre –– Sin shitty.
Super Capers –– Extra-large, pickled in a jar.
Skills Like This –– Belong on YouTube.
Valentino: the Last Emperor –– With no clothes.
New Twenty –– Twenty-nothings.
The Feature –– Not distinguishing.


Race to Witch Mountain — Rock slide.
Miss March –– Miss every month.
The Last House on the Left –– Where Rachel Maddow lives.
Alexander the Last –– At least, no sequels.
The Cake Eaters — Let's just say the frosting ain't chocolate.
The Edge of Love –– Dullin' Thomas.
The Perfect Sleep –– I did wake up once to use the rest room.
Severed Ways –– Erik the Rediculous.
Sunshine Cleaning –– Scrub it.
Three Monkeys –– Writer, producer, director.
Sex Positive –– Condom minimum.
Tokyo Sonata –– Thought that was a Hyundai.
Waiting for Dublin –– Irish missed.


Watchmen — Comic con.
12 –– Jury-rigged.
Everlasting Moments –– Eon, eon, ohh!
Explicit Ills –– Plain sick.
Fados — Not fado way.
Horsemen –– Apocalypse no.
Phoebe in Wonderland –– Phoebe jeebies.
Sherman's Way –– Route awakenings.
Shuttle –– Van hailin'.
Tennessee –– Doo step.
Tokyo! –– Hai and low.


Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience — Hey, hey we're the Honkees.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li –– Junk-Ki.
An American Affair –– JEffedK.
Bob Funk –– Funk dat.
Birdsong — Not for my peeps.
Crossing Over –– Traffick jam.
Echelon Conspiracy –– Tech wreck.
Examined Life –– Philosophomoric.
Garrison Keillor: The Man on the Radio in the Red Shoes –– A dreary home companion.
Robert Blecker Wants Me Dead –– So we have something in common.
The Trouble with Romance –– We try ardor.


Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail — Gramma slammer.
Fired Up! –– A rah deal.
Chain Link –– Offense.
In the Electric Mist — Fizzle drizzle.
Eleven Minutes –– And then you start retching.
Katyn –– Better Red than dead.
Must Read After My Death –– RIP torn.
Delhi-6 –– Indian slummer.
Two Lovers –– Bicupids.
Under the Sea 3D –– Deep focus.


The International — House of fruitcakes.
Friday the 13th –– Jason beastly.
Confessions of a Shopaholic –– Consumer fraught.
The Caller — Disconnect.
Gomorrah –– Sod 'em.
Great Speeches From a Dying World –– Poorators.
Nerdcore Rising –– Read 'em and dweeb.
Polanski –– Roman scandal.


Pink Panther 2 — Clouseau, but no cigar.
Coraline –– The sorrow and the kiddie.
He's Just Not That Into You –– Makes two of us.
Push — Over.
Absurdistan –– Assininia.
Chocolate –– Trifle.
Fanboys –– The dork side.
Life. Support. Music. –– Period piece.
The Objective –– Is to induce self-defenestration.
Our City Dreams –– This put it to sleep.


New in Town — Blows in.
Taken –– No prisoners.
Uninvited –– Guest of horror.
Blessed is the Match: The Life and Death of Hannah Senesh — Strike that.
Medicine for Melancholy –– Sadvil.
Sam's Lake –– The water psycho.
Shadows –– Murky-jerky.
Toe Tactic –– Digit redo.
The Color of Magic –– Takes a wiz.
Luck by Chance –– No chance.


Inkheart — Prints of darkness.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans –– Werewolf blitzer.
California Dreamin' –– Yugo your way, I'll go mine.
Crips and Bloods: Made in America — The gangs, all here.
Dealing and Wheeling in Small Arms –– On the piece plan.
Dog Eat Dog –– Purebred Cali.
Donkey Punch –– Like a kink in the head.
Growing Out –– Gross out.
Killshot –– A shot in the dork.
Outlander –– Outlanderish.
The Lodger –– Renter wreck.
Of Time and the City –– Liverpool of sweat.


Paul Blart: Mall Cop — Exactly as funny as his name.
Hotel For Dogs –– Red Ruff Inn.
My Bloody Valentine 3D –– Heart-chopping.
Notorious — B.I.G. deal.
Ballerina –– Toe jam.
Chandni Chowk to China –– Delhi meet.
Cherry Blossoms –– Dead wood.
The Pervert's Guide to Cinema –– Not a dry seat in the house.
Defiance –– Of logic.
Serbis –– Service with a slime.


Bride Wars — Something borrowed, something blew.
Not Easily Broken –– Knot!
The Unborn –– Belly whopper.
Just Another Love Story — Dane crook.
Silent Light –– Dim sum.
Yonkers Joe –– Gambling with rambling.
Good –– Grief!
Cargo 200 –– Russian bare.