CINEMA 2007

The Bucket List — Grim weeper.
Honeydripper — Slow as molasses.
The Orphanage — Wraith relations.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem — For a heavy date.
Water Horse: Legend of the Deep — Out of loch.
Persepolis — Iranimated.
The Great Debaters — Denzell in distress.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story — Trip bad.
National Treasure: The Book of Secrets— Tome raider.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street — Screen shaver.


P.S. I Love You — Pee pee, yes.
Charlie Wilson's War — Plugged Nichols.
Steep — Decline.
I Am Legend — Smithbusters.
Alvin and the Chipmunks — His voice is the least annoying part.
Revolver — Fires blanks.
The Perfect Holiday — Yule be sorry.
The Kite Runner — Tails off.
Youth Without Youth — Or clue.
The Golden Compass — Points towards the exit.
Grace is Gone — Graceless.


The Walker — American, giggle low.
Man in the Chair — Throw the switch.
The Savages — Family Freud.
Awake — The kind you grieve at.
The Diving Bell & the Butterfly — On the blink.
He Was A Quiet Man — The worm turns…my stomach.
Oswald's Ghost — Assassinine.
Starting Out in the Evening — Langella's ashes.
I'm Not There — Me either.
Enchanted — Crappily ever after.


Hitman — Croak monsieur.
The Mist — Damp Yankees.
August Rush — Plucks on your heartstrings with a club.
This Christmas — Home for the horror days.
Beowulf — 3-D… dumb dank din.
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium — Junk shop.
Love in the Time of Cholera — Dear Diarrhea.
Redacted — IEDePalma.
Margot at the Wedding — Squawking down the aisle.
Southland Tales — LA bomber.


Elegy — Just sad.
Fred Claus — Unelfinbelievable.
Lions for Lambs — Lines for hams.
P2 — Noisy parker.
American Gangster — Dealer no deal.
Bee Movie — Beelabored.
Martian Child — Nyah-nyah, your dad's from Uranus!
Saw IV — The jig is up.
Dan in Real Life — A comedy-drama or coma.
The Comebacks — They return like genital herpes.


Before the Devil Knows You're Dead — Or just sleeping very, very heavily through this.
Slipstream — Hot air.
Rails and Ties — A train wreck.
Jimmy Carter Man from Plains — Carter blanche.
Wristcutters: A Love Story — Slice of life.
Rendition — Passing the torture.
Gone Baby Gone — Toodle-ooze.
Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour — Which feels like 12 normal hours.
Weirdsville — Smoked turkey.
Things We Lost in the Fire — Starting with our sense of humor.


30 Days of Night — The living dud.
We Own the Night — We got it wholesale!
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? — When I like dressing up like Granny?
Elizabeth: The Golden Age — Thin Lizzy.
The Heartbreak Kid — Stiller and jeerer.
The Seeker — Finders weepers.
Feel the Noise — Make your skin crawl.
The Good Night — Bring your sleep mask.
The Kingdom — Saudi doody.
The Darjeeling Limited — Training bros.


Feast of Love — Whore d'oeuvres.
Lust, Caution — Wang Lee.
Game Plan — Gamy.
Resident Evil: Extinction — Compost-apocalyptic.
Good Luck Chuck — Alba trosh.
Into the Wild — Blah yonder.
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford — Shot Pitt.
Sydney White — Syd viscous.
In the Valley of Elah — Elah-di-da.
Dragon Wars — Lunge lizards.


Eastern Promises — Blintzkrieg.
Across the Universe — Beatles barely.
Mr. Woodcock — Dulldo.
December Boys — Orphan overlooked.
Ira and Abby — Tired and flabby.
Silk — Worms.
3:10 to Yuma — Yumaless.
Shoot 'Em Up — Rat-tat-tatters.
The Hunting Party — Gere grinding.
The Brave One — Vagilante.


Romance and Cigarettes — Ciggy stardust.
Fierce People — Lifestyles of the rich and lamish.
The Brothers Solomon — Sibhumans.
Death Sentence — Bacon and yeggs.
The Nanny Diaries — Ninny 911.
Mr. Bean's Holiday — Junk it.
War — Is Hell.
Resurrecting The Champ — A Technical Knock Off.
Balls of Fury — Paddle of the bulge.
Halloween — Slash and earn.


Dedication — Amouronic.
The Hottest State — An extremely dense gas.
Right at Your Door — In a paper bag set on fire by vandals.
September Dawn — Stormin' Mormon.
Illegal Tender — Chumps change.
Superbad — Horny toads.
The Last Legion — Legionnaires' decease.
Death at a Funeral — And a boxoffice.
The Invasion — ETotic.
The 11th Hour — Apocalypse, nu?


Stardust — The ashes of DeNiro's career.
Rush Hour 3 — Tacky Chan.
Daddy Day Camp — Pup tense.
2 Days in Paris — Stupe de jour.
The Bourne Ultimatum — Stillbourne.
Underdog — When he rises from squatting.
No End in Sight — Except the horse's ass on view in the Oval Office.
Hot Rod — Stunt chump.
Bratz — The absolute wurst.
The Ten — Sins of the farters.


Becoming Jane — Austen taxes.
El Cantante — JLo shot.
The Simpsons Movie — Springfield trifle.
No Reservations — The kitchen stink.
Molière — Moldière.
I Know Who Killed Me — And her initials are Lindsay Lohan.
Who's You're Caddy? — A puttz.
Hairspray — Up doo.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry — Wedding balls.
Sunshine — Not too bright.
Interview — Miscue&A.

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E. Basil St. Blaise

OSCAR MILD 2007

Letters from Iwo Jima — Post mortem.
Babel — Me no speakee auteur.
The Departed — So long.
The Queen — Liz and dick.
Little Miss Sunshine — Even John Mark Karr isn't interested.


La Vie en Rose — Edith pee off.
Talk to Me — Jock kitsch.
Captivity — La cage awful.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — Hogworst.
Rescue Dawn — Christian bails.
Introducing the Dwights — Aussie and harried.
License to Wed — Ties the knot in my stomach.
Transformers — Bot ugly.
Ratatouille — Rat, ptui!
Evening — Deathbed time story.


Vitus — Bitus.
Live Free Or Die Hard — Bruise Willis.
Evan Almighty — Evansgate.
Sicko — Care bare.
1408 — King-sized bad.
You Kill Me — Wasted.
Lady Chatterley — D.U.H. Lawrence.
A Mighty Heart — Pearl jam.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer — Galactus-intolerant.
Nancy Drew — A blank.


Fido — Plays dead.
Strike — Three.
Eagle vs. Shark — Quirky-jerky.
Ocean's Thirteen — A banker's dozen.
Surf's Up — Hang ten executives who greenlit this.
Hostel Part II — Bunk.
Mr. Brooks — On the schiz.
Gracie — Goodnight.
Bug — A boo.
Knocked Up — What you'd expect.


Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End — Buried pleasure.
Shrek the Third — Ogre and out.
Fay Grim — Fey, grim.
Even Money — Won't get me to see this.
The Last Time — Promise?
The Wendell Baker Story — Pudhead Wilson.
The Valet — Of the dulls.
Once — Is too much.
28 Weeks Later — Brit ecch land.
The Ex — Crement.


Georgia Rule — Rule of dumb.
Delta Farce — Noncomedy.
Spider-Man 3 — Parker peters.
Lucky You — Hasn't the Vegas idea.
Waitress — The tipping point.
The Flying Scotsman — Junk pedaler.
Civic Duty — Report this to the EPA.
Away From Her — Forget-me-a-lot.
Paris Je T'aime — Aimeless.
Amercanizing Shelley — Hindie cinema.


Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror — Tales from the Crip.
Black Book — Resistance is futile.
The Condemned — Sentenced to 113 minutes of this.
Jindabyne — Downer Under.
Next — To nothing.
Kickin' It Old Skool — So long as you kick it.
The Invisible — I wish.
Vacancy — You can see it in their eyes.
Hot Fuzz — Shaved nuts.
Fracture — My funny bone.


In the Land of Women — His chick bounced.
Disturbia — Absurdia.
Pathfinder — Norse snore.
Perfect Stranger — Razz Berry jam.
Redline — Race riot.
Slow Burn — Like a book of wet matches.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters — Colon, for short.
Grindhouse — Chopped chuck.
The Hoax — Fraud Explorer.
The Reaping — Pass over.


Are We Done Yet? — To a crisp.
Firehouse Dog — Get hosed.
Blades of Glory — Rink amateurs.
Meet the Robinsons — Waste of time travel.
The Lookout — Can he see me creeping towards the exit?
Reign Over Me — And on my parade.
Shooter — Half-cocked.
TMNT — Turtle whacks.
The Hills Have Eyes 2 — And brains 0.
Pride — Stroke victims.


The Last Mimzy — Flimzy.
First Snow — And it's yellow.
Color Me Kubrick — Full mental racket.
Premonition — I'm seeing a 99¢ DVD bin.
The Wind That Shakes the Barley — The blarney is shaking, too.
I Think I Love My Wife — I know I hate this film.
Dead Silence — Sliced tongue.
300 — Bloody Hellas.
The Host — Tortured Seoul.
Full of It — A piece of 'it.


The Ultimate Gift — Where there's a will, there's a wait.
Beyond the Gates — Genocideshow.
Zodiac — Tsuris the bull.
Wild Hogs — More accurately, bores.
Black Snake Moan — Ho down.
Two Weeks — Interminable illness.
The Number 23 — 23-Skidoody.
Starter for 10 — BM on Campus.
The Astronaut Farmer — Abort.
Reno 911!: Miami — Cop-rophagic.


Amazing Grace — Save a retch, like me.
Gray Matters — Gray's Inanity.
Bridge to Terabithia — Terribathetic.
Ghost Rider — Boo hooey.
Breach — Mole yeller.
Breaking and Entering — Exceptionally petty larceny.
Avenue Montaigne — Amour phooey.
Music and Lyrics — Hum job.
Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls — Does he mean his sisters?
Norbit — Torpid obesity.


Hannibal Rising — Along with dinner.
The Lives of Others — Ein spy, dry.
The Messengers — Shoot 'em.
Because I Said So — Smothering heights.
Smokin's Aces — Hit kickers.
Factory Girl — Burnt Sienna.
The Situation — In bedded journalist.
Epic Movie — A sagger.
Blood and Chocolate — Candy barf.
Catch and Release — Hook, line and stinker.


Seraphim Falls — How the West was wan.
Arthur and the Invisibles — But I can still smell them.
The Hitcher — Mr. Goodwretch.
Primeval — A croc.
Alpha Dog — Arful.
Stomp the Yard — Misstep.
Happily N'Ever After — Badtime story.
Code Name: The Cleaner — aka The Ty-D-Bol Man.
Freedom Writers — Def Poets Society.