OSCAR MIRE 2006
Crash – And bore.
Brokeback Mountain — Ho mo on the range.
Capote — In cold dud.
Good Night, and Good Luck — Black and white and reds all over.
Munich — An oy for an oy.
Monster House — Not even a rental.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend — Lacks a sense of Uma.
Clerks II — As eagerly awaited as a follow-up colonoscopy.
You, Me and Dupree — Ménage a twat.
Little Man — Pygmy pen.
Wordplay — Puzzling.
The Oh in Ohio — And Oh, shit!
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest — Depp charge.
A Scanner Darkly — Roto-Rooterscoped.
Superman Returns — AC/DC Superhero.
Click — Doesn't.
Waist Deep — And sinking fast.
The Devil Wears Prada — Harpy's Bazaar.
Nacho Libre — Spandex-Mex.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift — Pimp my rice.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties — Pussy's close shave.
The Lake House — In a Keanu without a paddle.
Cars — Napper auto parts.
A Prairie Home Companion — Like, woebegone.
The Omen — Sucks Sucks Sucks.
The Break-Up — What a dump!
District B13 — Chop-Sucky.
Cavite — Like having one filled.
X-Men: The Last Stand — X-lax.
An Inconvenient Truth — Gorey details.
The Da Vinci Code — Mrs. Jesus H. Christ!
See No Evil — So shut your eyes after the credits.
Over the Hedge — Warm and fuzzy, like a raccoon passing a tennis ball.
Poseidon — Poisoned.
Just My Luck — The projector was working.
Art School Confidential — Clowes-minded.
Hoot — What not to give.
An American Haunting — What possessed them?
United 93 — Tragitainment.
RV — Hell on wheels.
Stick It — Where the sun don't shine.
Akeelah and the Bee — Poor spellers.
Brick — Pinhead noir.
American Dreamz — The Clay Aiken of parodies.
The Sentinel — Lameassassination.
Silent Hill — JV-Horror.
Scary Movie 4 — Satired.
The Wild — S'poor.
Kinky Boots — TV sitcom.
The Notorious Bettie Page — Bound to disappoint.
Hard Candy — R. Kelly's worst nightmare.
Lucky Number Slevin — Craps.
The Benchwarmers — Methane-fueled.
Take the Lead — And waltz this dog off the floor.
Friends With Money — Regrettably, with enough to cover the budget.
Phat Girlz — Phatal.
Basic Instinct 2 — Stone aged.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown — Extinks.
ATL — BFD.
Slither — As witty as plastic puke.
Inside Man — Dork Day Afternoon.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector — Git-R-Dumb.
Stay Alive — Drop Dead.
The Libertine — The lecher circuit.
V for Vendetta — Reeking havoc.
Thank You for Smoking — Butt ugliness.
Find Me Guilty — Of mugging.
She's the Man — Balls out.
Don't Come Knocking — An unpleasant oater.
The Shaggy Dog — Two legs up.
Failure to Launch — Cialis wouldn't help.
Ask the Dust — El lay.
Game 6 — Curse of the DeLillo.
The Hills Have Eyes — And they're bloodshot.
Ultraviolet — But unfortunately part of the visible spectrum.
Aquamarine — Merdemaid.
16 Blocks — Bummer-to-bummer.
Dave Chapelle's Block Party — Block ain't beautiful.
Running Scared — Just keep telling yourself it's only a retread.
Doogal — Boondooggle.
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion — Cross-housedressing.
Tsotsi — Not so hotsi.
Date Movie — The date: 2000 BC.
Freedomland — Color by numbers.
Eight Below — Ice pups.
The Pink Panther — Sellers is spinning in his grave after tripping on a minkey.
Firewall — Hack work.
Curious George — Pap art.
Final Destination 3 — Terminal boredom.
When a Stranger Calls — Terrifying as 90 minutes with a telemarketer.
Something New — If you've been in a coma since 1967.
A Good Woman — Girls Gone Wilde.
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada — In turd.
Big Momma's House 2 — A big, fat drag.
Nanny McPhee — A brat's nest.
Annapolis — Naval-gazing.
End of the Spear — The short end.
Dogville — Dogmatic.
Glory Road — *SPOILER ALERT* The scrappy underdogs actually win the big game!
Tristan and Isolde — Tragic micks.
Last Holiday — Rote trip.
Hoodwinked— Grandma, what big, poorly-drawn, awkwardly-animated eyes you have.
Underworld: Evolution — Disproving Intelligent Design.