CINEMA 2006

Pan's Labyrinth — Woolly maze.
Miss Potter — I have every intention to.
Children of Men — Mamma MIA.
Venus — Half shelled.
The Painted Veil — To no avail.
Notes on a Scandal — Quiff notes.
Perfume — Eau de toilet.
Night at the Museum — Duhorama.
Rocky Balboa — Sly as a lox.
The Good Shepherd — CIA-holes.


We Are Marshall — Cloys "R" Us.
Dreamgirls — Schmotown.
The Good GermanIck! liebe dich.
Charlotte's Web — In a pig's eye.
Eragon — Errorgon.
The Secret Life of Words — Mouth trap.
The Pursuit of Happyness — The achievement of sappyness.
Apocalypto — Mayan kampf.
The Holiday — Ex-mas.
Blood Diamond — Paste.

Unaccompanied Minors — Kid schlock.
Inland Empire — Lynch bag.
3 Needles — Several pricks.
10 Items or Less — Don't check out.
The Nativity Story — Virgin records.
National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj — Bolly wood.
Turistas — Vacate the premise.
Bobby — RF KO.
Deja Vu — Asinine. Asinine.
Casino Royale — Junk Bond.

Happy Feet — Mosh of the penguins.
The Fountain — Of doof.
Deck the Halls — Foul-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
For Your Consideration — Unwelcome Guest.
Fast Food Nation — A junior whopper.
Who the $#%& Is Jackson Pollock? — Who the $#%& wouldn't know?
Shut Up and Sing — Ditzy chicks.
Come Early Morning — Homily grits.
Let's Go to Prison — Do not pass go.
Stranger Than Fiction — Duller than dirt.

A Good Year — French, bore, dough.
Fur — A touch of stink.
Fuck — Ditto.
The Return — Of an undigested lunch.
Harsh Times — 120 mins. of this.
Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny — A twist of fat.
Borat — World's longest Wild and Crazy Guy skit.
Flushed Away — A sinker.
Volver— Pronounced vulva?
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause — Santa feh!

Death of a President — Bush whacked.
Saw IIISaw loser.
Catch a Fire — Curbs your apartheid.
Flags of Our Fathers — Flags.
The Prestrige — Hokum Pocus.
Running With Scissors — Cut it out!
Infamous — Truman kaput.
Marie Antoinette — Let them eat scenery.
Shortbus — Tard and fettered.
Jesus Camp — Our Lord lip syncs Cher?

Man of the Year — A flea erection.
The Grudge 2 — A nip on one's shoulder.
One Night with the King— Bible stumper.
The Marine — Sub.
Employee of the Month — Work load.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning — You've got the cutest little leatherface.
Little Children — Sucker moms.
The Guardian — Ass, O, Ass.
Open Season — Shot.
School for Scoundrels — PU.

The Last King of Scotland — Idi gourmet.
All the King's Men — Penn pol.
Jackass: Number Two — Stunted.
The Science of Sleep — Snoozology.
Flyboys — Just plane silly.
Jet Li's Fearless — Gassed Li.
The Black Dahlia — Like the victim, opinion is split.
Gridiron Gang — Juvy or not juvy.
Everyone's Hero — Babe Ruthless.
The Last Kiss — Buss stop.

Hollywoodland — Supercide.
The Protector — Thai pinned.
The Covenant — Coven stuffer.
Crank — Bum rush.
Crossover — A dribbler.
Lassie — Bitched up.
The Wicker Man — Wiccan do without.
Invincible — Unintelligible receiver downfield.
Beerfest — Low brau.
IdlewildUnder a Cherry Moon II.

How to Eat Fried Worms — Gross incompetence.
The Quiet — Shhhhhit.
Snakes on a Plane — A crashing boa.
Accepted — Flunkheads.
The Illusionist — Schmuck and mirrors.
Material Girls — The material: a cheap synthetic.
Factotum — Dipso facto.
Pulse — Try Repulse.
Zoom — Zip.
Step Up — Flushdance.

World Trade Center — Rubble-rouser.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby— Lap dunce.
Barnyard: The Original Party Animals— Cow maneuver.
The Night Listener — Can you hear me snoring?
The Descent— How low you can go.
Miami Vice — A bust.
The Ant Bully — Drones on.
John Tucker Must Die — Of boredom.
Scoop — The poop.
Lady in the Water — Near myth.

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Television
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E. Basil St. Blaise

OSCAR MIRE 2006

Crash – And bore.
Brokeback Mountain — Ho mo on the range.
Capote — In cold dud.
Good Night, and Good Luck — Black and white and reds all over.
Munich — An oy for an oy.


Monster House — Not even a rental.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend — Lacks a sense of Uma.
Clerks II — As eagerly awaited as a follow-up colonoscopy.
You, Me and Dupree — Ménage a twat.
Little Man — Pygmy pen.
Wordplay — Puzzling.
The Oh in Ohio — And Oh, shit!
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest — Depp charge.
A Scanner Darkly — Roto-Rooterscoped.
Superman Returns — AC/DC Superhero.

Click — Doesn't.
Waist Deep — And sinking fast.
The Devil Wears Prada — Harpy's Bazaar.
Nacho Libre — Spandex-Mex.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift — Pimp my rice.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties — Pussy's close shave.
The Lake House — In a Keanu without a paddle.
Cars — Napper auto parts.
A Prairie Home Companion — Like, woebegone.
The Omen — Sucks Sucks Sucks.

The Break-Up — What a dump!
District B13 — Chop-Sucky.
Cavite — Like having one filled.
X-Men: The Last Stand — X-lax.
An Inconvenient Truth — Gorey details.
The Da Vinci Code — Mrs. Jesus H. Christ!
See No Evil — So shut your eyes after the credits.
Over the Hedge — Warm and fuzzy, like a raccoon passing a tennis ball.
Poseidon — Poisoned.
Just My Luck — The projector was working.

Art School Confidential — Clowes-minded.
Hoot — What not to give.
An American Haunting — What possessed them?
United 93 — Tragitainment.
RV — Hell on wheels.
Stick It — Where the sun don't shine.
Akeelah and the Bee — Poor spellers.
Brick — Pinhead noir.
American Dreamz — The Clay Aiken of parodies.
The Sentinel — Lameassassination.

Silent Hill — JV-Horror.
Scary Movie 4 — Satired.
The Wild — S'poor.
Kinky Boots — TV sitcom.
The Notorious Bettie Page — Bound to disappoint.
Hard Candy — R. Kelly's worst nightmare.
Lucky Number Slevin — Craps.
The Benchwarmers — Methane-fueled.
Take the Lead — And waltz this dog off the floor.
Friends With Money — Regrettably, with enough to cover the budget.

Phat Girlz — Phatal.
Basic Instinct 2 — Stone aged.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown — Extinks.
ATL — BFD.
Slither — As witty as plastic puke.
Inside Man — Dork Day Afternoon.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector — Git-R-Dumb.
Stay Alive — Drop Dead.
The Libertine — The lecher circuit.
V for Vendetta — Reeking havoc.

Thank You for Smoking — Butt ugliness.
Find Me Guilty — Of mugging.
She's the Man — Balls out.
Don't Come Knocking — An unpleasant oater.
The Shaggy Dog — Two legs up.
Failure to Launch — Cialis wouldn't help.
Ask the Dust — El lay.
Game 6 — Curse of the DeLillo.
The Hills Have Eyes — And they're bloodshot.
Ultraviolet — But unfortunately part of the visible spectrum.

Aquamarine — Merdemaid.
16 Blocks — Bummer-to-bummer.
Dave Chapelle's Block Party Block ain't beautiful.
Running Scared — Just keep telling yourself it's only a retread.
Doogal — Boondooggle.
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion — Cross-housedressing.
Tsotsi — Not so hotsi.
Date Movie — The date: 2000 BC.
Freedomland — Color by numbers.
Eight Below — Ice pups.

The Pink Panther — Sellers is spinning in his grave after tripping on a minkey.
Firewall — Hack work.
Curious George — Pap art.
Final Destination 3 — Terminal boredom.
When a Stranger Calls — Terrifying as 90 minutes with a telemarketer.
Something New — If you've been in a coma since 1967.
A Good Woman — Girls Gone Wilde.
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada — In turd.
Big Momma's House 2 — A big, fat drag.
Nanny McPhee — A brat's nest.

Annapolis — Naval-gazing.
End of the Spear — The short end.
Dogville — Dogmatic.
Glory Road — *SPOILER ALERT* The scrappy underdogs actually win the big game!
Tristan and Isolde — Tragic micks.
Last Holiday — Rote trip.
Hoodwinked— Grandma, what big, poorly-drawn, awkwardly-animated eyes you have.
Underworld: Evolution — Disproving Intelligent Design.